The Sunday Small-For-All News Report 02.05.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 02.05.2006
The Only Thing XL Here is Vince’s Grapefruits.
Well hello again and welcome to the non-stop peep show I like to call the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. On today's edition, we shall recap the fallout from the Royal Rumble, all the latest burning news in the world of wrestling (or at least WWE and TNA) and finally I have a nice XL surprise for you. It's really not that great, but hey, I can always strive to be better next week.
Since I'm under pressure to churn this bad boy out, Let's Get Going!!!
The 316 Words or Less Weak in Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
The Royal Rumble fallout began on Raw as Edge used his contractual rematch clause (which is the laziest way possible) to try to win back his championship. Personally, I would sneak attack my opponent with a chair and then beat him down until he accepts (like Triple H does). That or make fun of Eddie Guerrero's death. Anyway, Edge's attempt at winning the title was foiled when Lita "accidentally" hit him in the head with the Spinner Belt. Look for the feud to continue for three more weeks until Triple H wins #1 contender tournament. In other news, RVD defeated Snitsky, Triple H buried Chavo Guerrero, there was a masturbatory dueling promo between Vince and HBK, Shelton and Momma Benjamin sights are set on the IC title, and the divas staged an intervention for Mickie James.
On Smackdown, Kurt Angle and the Undertaker verbally hyped their No Way Out match. Unfortunately, the SFX guys were on vacation so the ring (and Josh Matthews) stayed intact the entire night. Randy Orton goaded Rey Mysterio into putting his #1 contender slot on the line at the PPV by making fun of Eddie Guerrero. The juniors are back as Chris Benoit defeated Fit Finlay by DQ. In addition, the Boogeyman's next victim will be Booker T, JBL decided to get over his loss at the Royal Rumble by delivering a hate crime on Lashley, and MNM were victorious over the Mexi-Cools. Oh and Burchill is a pirate.
On Impact, the fans have spoken as they would rather not see Team 3D win the gold at Against All Odds. Rather, they would like to see them beat up a couple of Canadians. Because of the fixed online voting, a 4 team tournament was set up to determine the #1 contenders to AMW. In addition, the usual Jarrett/Gayda nonsense continued and there was enough squash to remind me of Thanksgiving. BITCHES!!!
WWE NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOOD
I'm In Love with a Man Nearly Twice as Tan
The big news of the week is the accused groping of a female worker at a Boca Raton, FL tanning salon by none other than Vincent Kennedy McMahon. According to the The Sun-Senteniel Newspaper , " On Sunday, the 22-year-old Tanzabar employee told police that she led McMahon to tanning room No.3 and that McMahon asked if she could use his camera phone to take his picture.
She obliged and then gave the camera phone back to McMahon, who then showed her nude and semi-nude photos of himself on the camera phone, the police report shows.
According to the report, the woman asked McMahon to stop.
Once the 20-minute session was over, McMahon talked to her again, she told police. She walked over to the tanning suite and McMahon followed, closed the door and tried kissing her, she told police. She pushed McMahon away as he tried to lift up her shirt, she said.
Kelly McMahon, a Tanzabar customer who is not related to the wrestler, said McMahon was quite different with her on Saturday. Boca Raton police have to get McMahon's side of the story before prosecutors determine whether there is enough evidence to file charges. "
Well, it looks like we might actually have some interesting news to report on for the next week or so. Personally, I think that this lady is full of shit and is trying to make a quick buck off our favorite billionaire. However, McMahon is sleazy enough to actually try to do something like this as I've heard enough stories about him, Lesnar, and Sable to make me go blind.
What we do know is that two new divas will be debuting shortly. One will have a bad tan gimmick where she will try to wrestle but her fake sunburn will be too painful. And the other will help screw over Shawn Michaels in some way before revealing herself to be Mr. McMahon's long lost daughter, Kelly. I'm dead serious this will happen. Speaking of all things dead…
If Eddie's in Hell, I'm Sure Tim White will Join Him Soon
Word is that many backstage are upset regarding WWE's continued use of the Eddie Guerrero name
Now I know many are appalled and disgusted with many of Randy Orton's comments from last night, but look, he's trying to be a heel. Sure there are many other more PC ways to get heel heat, but the way this business is, anything goes. I mean, we were all disgusted at Tim White's suicide attempts, Kurt Angle: Bestiality Sex Endorser, Kenzo Suzuki's wrestling ability, Katie Vick, the whole Dawn Marie/Al Wilson spiel, Mark Henry and Mae Young, Mark Henry and Sammy, etc. etc. The WWE likes to push the envelope as far as beyond good taste in order to stir up shit. They know these types of remarks/storylines create a buzz that will have people semi-interested in the product (for all the wrong reasons). Why else did people watch WWE or the Jerry Springer Show during the late 90s? For all the wrong reasons (in WWE's case, it certainly was not the wrestling). Then again, I just watched The Aristocrats last night so I'm quite desensitized to most shock humor now.
I'm Still Waiting for the Best of Crush Set
WWE.com has announced a list of upcoming DVDs for 2006:
Austin vs. McMahon: The Definitive Collection
Brian Pillman: Loose Cannon
Hulk Hogan: The Ultimate Anthology
Born to Controversy: The Roddy Piper Story
The Spectacular Legacy of the AWA
John Cena: The Time is Now
The World's Greatest Wrestling Managers
The American Dream: The Dusty Rhodes Story
ECW Blood Sport: The Most Violent Matches- Volumes 1 and 2
WWE Divas Do New York
That's quite an excellent list for 2006. Austin vs. McMahon should be quite the DVD as the VHS release was very interesting and it did not even have full matches. Unfortunately, blurmania will be running wild all over this disc. Speaking of running wild, the Hulk Hogan set should hopefully be an improvement over 2002's "Hulk Rules" DVD. Considering the "Hulk Rules" DVD has been out of print for a long time (due to the WWE/WWF blurring), this set should more than make up for it. I believe that this will be the November release for the company as it will continue the tradition of bestselling DVDs including Ric Flair, ECW, and Bret Hart. Speaking of ECW, depending on the match-list, each volume might be worth it. Hell, I think Vol 1 comes out this Tuesday. Finally, the Divas DVD looks interesting on my list (I'm far too young to care about the AWA), just because in addition to some thongs, there's normally 10-15 matches and Diva segments that make the disc worthwhile.
It's Time to Play the Game!!!
A 8-Man Tournament will begin on Raw this Monday in order to determine John Cena's opponent at Wrestlemania 22. The brackets are:
RVD vs. Carlito
Chris Masters vs. Kane
HHH vs. Ric Flair
The Big Show vs. HBK
So logic dictates that RVD, Masters, HHH, and The Big Show will advance to next week. Of course, the WWE has always thrown a curve in there but I know HHH would love to squash the Big Show one more time. At least, RVD will make it to the Finals before losing to the almighty Hunter.
Weekly Dancing with the Stars News
Stacy Keibler advanced to the next round with a perfect score of 30!!! In better news, her newest layout of Stuff has recently appeared on newsstands and it's quite good.
Tazz and Cole Radio Show
Tazz and Cole (he will apparently be going by Cole now, not Michael Cole) have gotten their own radio show on Howard Stern's Channel 101 on Sirius Radio.
Unfortunately, I do not have Sirius Radio but congrats to the two of them. I personally like the Smackdown announcers as they have good chemistry and Michael Cole can be quite interesting when he's not hyping certain storylines. I remember when he used to do Velocity announcing for a while and he was not afraid to speak his mind.
TNA NEWZ OF THE WEAK Doodettes
TV That's Changing Thursday Nights
According to the WrestlingObserver, " TNA wrestlers have been told there will be an 8 a.m. Monday morning conference call with Kevin Day (the head of TNA). The expectation is that will be the first announcement of the new TV time. The belief is it will be a Thursday slot, which makes 8 p.m. most likely. 60 minutes is more likely than the 90 minutes the company was pushing for due to the nature of UFC programming scheduled for that night."
Congratulations to TNA. Regardless of the competition, Thursday night television is still much better than Saturday late-night. However, what bothers me about this news is that TNA might only be having a 60 minute slot. In order for TNA to truly establish itself as an alternative and have the opportunity to build up superstars and use effective storytelling, the company needs more than one hour of television. Hell, I guess Impact can be kept as a B-show like Smackdown, which gives them another 4 hours to build PPV matches. As long as jobber squashes are infrequent on Thursday, I shall tune in.
Sting To Return in a Cage
According to PWInsider, " The plan is for Sting to return to TNA TV in time for the April Lockdown show. That PPV is slated to feature the blowing off of a number of key TNA storylines."
Well considering that the plan is for each match at Lockdown to take place in a cage (like last year's), there better be some blowoffs that night. The biggest problem with Lockdown was that meaningless matches were fought in a gimmick match usually reversed for big heated feuds. Lockdown can be quite special if big matches are blown off and Sting has a meaningful return. Hell, no need to hype his return if the matches can deliver.
TNA DVD News
Genesis – February 21
Best of the Bloodiest Brawls – March 14
Sacrifice, Unbreakable, Turning Point – March
The Best of Samoa Joe, Christian Cage, TNA Knockouts – Spring/Summer
Glad to see TNA pumping out some good releases. While I think that it is too early to put out Samoa Joe and Christian Cage compilations, they will both be much better than any Jeff Hardy release. Speaking of Jeff Hardy…
Jeff Hardy will be returning to TNA shortly.
Why TNA Why?
Nash to return, too?
According to PWInsider, NOPE!!!
FUN WITH YOUTUBE
Since YouTube's been the #1 place to go for entertainment, each week I will link you to two matches that you might or might not have seen. This week's entry:
So tonight's the Super Bowl and quite frankly, I'm pumped. Regardless of if you like football or not, people flock together to get drunk, watch commercials, and chill with friend and family. And for some of us, we win money in Super Bowl pools. Well, for today's surprise, I'm busting out the Madden simulator to predict ourselves a winner.
Note: Quarters are only 5 minutes.
1st Quarter
Sea kicks off to Pitt.
Pitt (OWN 25): 3 and out on three rushing attempts. Punt.
Sea (OWN 20): After two rushing attempts, Hasselback throws an IP to force a punt.
Pitt (SEA 49): On 2nd down, Roethlisberger finds Ward for 11 yards.
Pitt (SEA 38): Bettis runs for 5 yards before Big Ben finds Mays for 7 yards.
Pitt (SEA 26): Bettis runs for 4 yards before Big Ben finds Randle El for 12.
Pitt (SEA 9): After two unsuccessful rushes and one incomplete pass, the Steelers kick a 27 yard FG to take the lead. PITT 3 SEA 0
Sea (OWN 21): On 2nd down, sacked to end the quarter.
2nd Quarter
Sea(OWN 21): On 3rd down, Hasselback throws for 9 yards. Punt.
Pitt(OWN 32): Go three and out.
Sea(OWN 23): Go three and out.
Pitt(OWN 36): Go three and out.
Sea(OWN 29): Hasselback completes a 26 yard pass to Jackson.
Sea(PITT 45): Hasselback throws a INT.
Pitt(OWN 35): Go three and out.
Sea(OWN 26). On 1st down, Hasselback is sacked to end the half.
3rd Quarter
Nothing happens for first 4 minutes as both teams trade 3 and outs.
Sea(PITT 48): After a 9 yard run by Alexander, Hasselback finds Jackson open for 9 yards.
4th Quarter
Sea(PITT 30): The Seahawks kick a 53 yard FG to open the 4th. SEA 3 PITT 3
Pitt(OWN 28): Go three and out.
Sea(OWN 29): Alexander runs for 12 yards.
Sea(OWN 41): Alexander rushes for 13 yards.
Sea(PITT 46): On 2nd down, Hasselback throws another INT.
Pitt(OWN 39): Go three and out.
Sea(OWN 15): Hasselback finds Howry for 11 yards.
Sea(OWN 26): After three incomplete passes, they punt.
Pitt(OWN 32): On second down, Big Ben throws a INT.
Sea(PITT 24): Alexander runs for 13 yards.
Sea(PITT 11): On 3rd down, Alexander finds the end zone for a TD. SEA 10 Pitt 3
Here's where it gets good.
Big Ben finds Randle El for 39 yards to set up shop on SEA 40.
On 3rd down and 10, a pass interference call brings the Steelers to Seattle's endzone with 11 seconds left.
1st and Goal: Incomplete Pass. 2 seconds left.
2nd and Goal: Incomplete Pass. The SEAHAWKS WIN!!!!
Ryan Byers spends too much money on cheap wrestling. Read about his latest addition to his bookcase here
Oh and there's a Top 50 countdown to the #1 Tag Team of all time. Read all about it starting here
Stay Tuned
Well kids, we are out of time for this evening. Next week should be quite interesting as we shall reflect on any updates in the Vince groping case, TNA's new timeslot, the end of the Brock Lesnar deal, and finally, what nasty thing will be said about Eddie Guerrero. I know I can't wait. But until that time enjoy the Super Bowl and whatever else you do.
Randle's in tomorrow.
For the Sunday Small-For-All-News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
