The Wrestling News Experience: 02.06.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 02.06.2006
Vince in trouble with the law, Tatanka, Goldust, and Doom. It's 1993 all over again!
The good news is, that means the Blue Jays are winning the World Series.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle. The Steelers won, as everyone outside of Seattle expected, so there truly is nothing new under the sun.
And yet, I'll still manage to write a column. I am a writing...Go-
No, I can't steal from JD's schtick. I need to steal different schtick.
Hmm...well, Marsico's the R-Rated Superstar...Larry's some long intro that I couldn't reproduce if I tried...JT's a bitter lowcarder with delusions of grandeur...
Oh, I know.
I am the best writer there is, the best writer there was, and the best writer there ever will be on 411.
When in doubt, steal from a Canadian. Now read more stuff I stole.
Oh, and after typing this part, I find out somebody's shot themselves with a replica of a bazooka and now has an unexploded shell in his chest on Gray's Anatomy. I guess occasionally there is new stuff out there, even if it's just "how much drama can we pack into one hour?"
Around The Horn
The big news this week is that Vince McMahon was accused of groping a woman. I'll pause for everyone to gasp in disbelief.
Okay, I'm back. Anyway, the claim is largely unsubstantiated, but it got picked up by the AP, because hey, it's Vince McMahon, big public personality and known sleazebag. Want my opinion? I know you do. We're going to go with my trademarked Kobe Bryant opinion here, which, in case you forgot, is that he probably did it, but he'll get away with it because he's Vince McMahon, big public personality.
Although McDevitt's track record lately isn't great, maybe Vince should be worried.
WWE is planning to release a second ECW Bloodsport DVD following the first one being released this month. I'm beginning to suspect that ECW had many violent matches.
But seriously, WWE also released a list of DVD's they'll be releasing this year, including my recommendation (if done right): the complete Austin vs McMahon feud. And it had better run right up to Austin and Angle singing songs for Vince's affection, including the "tiny cowboy hat" sketch. Hell, I just want the tiny cowboy hat sketch.
Lots of heat backstage on Randy Orton and WWE Creative for continuing to use Eddie Guerrero for storyline purposes, especially the whole "burning in hell" comment. I suppose that could be taken out of context, but really, it wasn't that smart in context either. It's not so much the use of Eddie in storylines that bugs me, it's that they're using it to get the bad guy over by beating the good guy who's been inspired by Eddie to win the Royal Rumble. I reiterate for the slow people in WWE: when the bad guy wins, it's depressing. That's not a good thing. When the bad guy wins over the good guy who was representing the spirit of one of wrestling's most loved and respected performers, it's beyond depressing.
Stacy Kiebler scored a perfect 30 out of 30 this week on Dancing with the Stars, and remains in the contest, and is a favourite to win the damned thing. Of course, she's already said she'll never pose for Playboy, so expect Vince to fire her shortly after WrestleMania.
Tazz and Michael Cole will have their own show on Sirius Radio. Because you already pay for TV, Internet, and the newspaper, why should the radio stay free? Despite the show not yet airing, it already has better ratings than WWE AM Raw.
WWE has trademarked the name "La Lola", which will likely be used for a debuting wrestler, who, and I don't want to get into profiling here, but I'll bet he's set to play a Latino or Caribbean lover gimmick. Just throwing it out there, I know it's a leap of faith.
It's been confirmed that the NBC Saturday Night's Main Event special airing in March will be a dual-brand show. That's not really that interesting, but it's news.
Surfing around the Net as I am wont to do, found this little bit in IGN's DVD review of Doom, and they agree with me that it's an enjoyable action movie with a bad storyline. But more importantly:
The Rock does his best to hold together what can only be described as the weakest story thus far told in his fledgling career. Offering plenty of profanity, military authority, and all-around screen presence, Dwayne Johnson has turned out to be one of modern movies' most indelible presences.
The Rock...needs no obstacles to intrude upon his deserved, meteoric rise to the top of Hollywood's power players
That's right, buy Doom to hear The Rock curse like a drunken Denis Leary. It seems so natural, and yet so wrong.
And before I leave this segment, the Spirit Squad is still gay, with little sign of changing in the near future.
The Great Impact Experiment
- I'm all for slow builds and stuff, so I guess it makes sense to have Team Canada face Team 3-D before AMW, but I think if you're going to do that, you don't leave it up to a fan vote. I'm fairly sure no one buys that the fans voted for Team Canada over AMW. They already cost 3-D the tag titles, have them swear revenge, there's your match. Don't add needless fluff.
- Zybysko might want to consider actually dressing like an authority figure. Or at least in a not-crappy shirt.
- Ooh, tournament. Larry said the magic word. And tag team, too. I'm fairly sure WWE hasn't been able to do a legitimate tag team tournament in years. And the one for the Smackdown titles doesn't count, because it included such teams as Ron Simmons and Reverend D'von, and Rikishi and Mark Henry.
- Hey look, it's Gail Kim walking around in basically lingerie. I always thought WWE would be the first to just decide that women's wrestlers didn't need any more than that for ring attire.
- Okay, so it's a mini-tournament, but really, three other teams (Team 3D, AMW, and the other half of Team Canada) are already wrestling. But what about the Diamonds in the Rough? Sure, they're jobbers, but why not?
- I do think that TNA's audience has gotten a little too obsessed with the "dueling chant".
- Sabin's pretty cool, I wish I could have seen him back when he and Kazarian were feuding over the X title. Ha! You thought I wasn't paying attention all those years!
- Hey, Christian's taller than Jarrett.
- I like the whole "D'Amore comes out to get Shelley" thing, because while it makes no sense initially, it gets paid off later.
- Oh my God, that is the cleverest counter I have ever seen to the whole "grab the ropes and flip out of the armbar". Why didn't anyone ever think of just letting go of the arm before?
- Okay, WWE takes crap for this, so TNA can't be exempt, as the heels detail their nefarious plan, not only in front of a camera, but with a TNA interviewer holding a mic in their face. No wonder James Bond always gets away.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 02.07.05, and the WWE rosters were in Japan. Then they fired Tajiri, so they don't have to go back. I kid, I kid, they're going back this week. But there were other storm clouds on the horizon, as Spike TV was "going in a new direction", and there were rumours that Raw, despite being their only high-rated show, was not a part of that. I dismissed the rumour for that "high-rated" reason, but it turns out that Spike was serious, and so Raw went back to USA later in the year. And Spike replaced Raw with...reruns of CSI. I'd applaud their convictions, but there's no point.
I tried another new feature that I later dropped because it wasn't funny and required me to remember everything WWE had done over the last year and cram it into one long paragraph, WWE in Five Minutes. I'd do it again, but only if bribed.
And I was even doing Shakespeare quotes back then. Thus proving once and for all that I know my Elizabethan era playwrights. Eat it, Meehan.
I mean that in the nicest possible way.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 01.30.06
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
Transactions
None that I saw, other than WWE finally answering my dual questions of where Palmer Cannon and the juniors have been hiding themselves.
Oh wait, I guess I didn't mention this last week, though it was essentially a given.
- Gregory Helms, RAW, moved to Smackdown by virtue of being Cruiserweight champion
I never really understood why they kept moving cruisers off Smackdown and onto Raw. Helms, Tajiri, Chavo...what is up with that?
Wait a second, someone'll get it.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
The 411's are here, as the 411 Staff tells you who was the best and worst of 2005. Sure, it's late, but that's because I worked so damned hard on it. Eat it, Cook.
I mean that in the worst possible way.
411's Top 50 Tag Teams enters the Top 10, where I finally got to make informed comments because I'd actually heard of the tag teams before.
Small had Sunday news, and picked Steelers 20-10. Sorry, one point off, no good. At 411, we expect perfection.
Sarnecky wraps up an epic series of columns looking back at Vince McMahon's journey to the dominant wrestling empire in the world. It's been a huge labour of love, and he's finally done, so give it the look it's due.
Fried with Velocity, Small with Heat, both retrospectives of the brand's respective champions. Dunn rips off Colbert but also covers Impact, and there is no Canadian conspiracy. So far as you pig-dog Americans know.
Larry also covers Impact, and keeps calling me a ripoff, but his team won so we'll cut him a break this week.
JP and JT threw down the gauntlet, and I smacked them upside the head with it, as I guest-star on Hidden Highlights, mostly to annoy JT. Mission accomplished, and may I add, eat it, JT.
I'm enjoying my new catchphrase. Can you tell?
Andy Clark looks at the WrestleMania 200 pre-game show, and I heartily agree.
And JT's Byte This report. See, in this one he bought me a drink. Boy's gotta be bipolar or something.
The Gab Bag
411 Old Guy and Staff Rumble Champion Ron Gamble is likely the happiest man on Earth at this point, but also pointed out that the wall Rhino put Abyss through was the back of the interview set. I did not know this. Now I do. I was more bemused at the earlier part where Rhyno went slightly off-camera and cleared away all the stuff in front of the wall, because that just screamed to me "someone's going through that". But at least we agree that the camera angle was...convenient.
Ken Childs points out that I was incorrect, and it was my math that was wrong in terms of Rumble entries, as they were 90 second intervals. I plead insanity. Also, an over-reliance on "well, it used to be 2 minutes". Of course, it used to be the final match of the evening, too, so what can you do. Besides complain.
Mprattc wants me to remove Jericho from the inactive list because he's no longer under contract. I say it's my column and I'll do as I please. But perhaps you'd like more of an explanation. Jericho is not under contract, but until he actually wrestles for someone that isn't WWE, or announces that he's officially retired, I'll leave him where he is. Nobody write in and mention The Rock. The Rock plays by his own rules.
Toddv runs by a booking idea which results in Orton-Angle and Rey-Trip at Mania, but then confuses it by making Orton turn face for a couple weeks for no real particular reason other than to fake a tribute for Eddie and turn on Rey. Well, WWE listened to Todd, but forewent the face turn and just had Orton say Eddie is burning in hell. At least it was more efficient.
And I will always agree that Orton should not be a face. He's just so much easier to hate. And I won't deny the mixed reaction, but only if I can use the same explanation people who hate Cena use. "It's just women and kids who don't know that he sucks cheering for him".
Allan Mills suggests that Tatanka will head to Smackdown, team with Animal, and fight MNM. I'll vote that for officially the weirdest mix-and-match tag team of all time, for so many reasons.
And here we go, as I have time this week, with my examination of Sam Everett's most excellently booked WrestleMania. By the way, though he expected Orton would win the Rumble, he said that Rey had to for his booking to work.
Note: I edited some, because it's a lonnnng email. His booking in italics, my comments...not.
BIG SHOW & KANE v. CHRIS MASTERS & CARLITO (C) for the World Tag Team Titles. At some point on RAW, CM & CCC will have basically stolen the titles from Show & Kane. This is the rematch. Show & Kane win to fire up the crowd.
I disagree in principle, but not to the match itself. I see Masters and Carlito winning the belts here somehow. Too bad they seem to, for no particular reason, be setting up for Carlito vs Masters: The face turn that nobody asked for!
Next match, MATT HARDY v. BOOKER T (C) for the U.S. Title. Booker T wins, but I guess Matt Hardy would rather NOT win the U.S. Title at WM than win the NWA Title at Genesis?
I do the jokes around here.
TRISH STRATUS v. MICKIE JAMES (C) for the Women's Title. At this point, Mickie has completely turned, and has also taken the belt off Trish. Thus, she no longer wants to be like Trish--she's come full-circle and is thoroughly convinced she's BETTER than Trish. But tonight, in Chicago, Trish whips her ass and gets her belt back.
You really have some thing for faces getting the titles back, don't you? I know, it's WrestleMania, but not all the faces have to win. Obviously, this match is happening, but either Mickie already wins the title (unlikely, no Raw PPV before Mania), or Mickie takes it here.
Then we have the FEAR FACTOR CHALLENGE. What the hell is THIS happy-crappy, you ask? Well, you know there's going to BE happy-crappy on the card (remember the Miller Lite Girls? Big Show/Akebono? Legends Battle Royal?). But I promise, this could be tolerable! You take the existing relationship between WWE and NBC to do a little sweet cross-promotion. You then mix hot babes with minimal mainstream recognition and you team them with pretty popular guys like Coach and The Boogeyman, respectively, for a little inter-brand fun based on a somewhat popular television show.
Fear Factor jumped the shark a couple years ago, but he's right that WWE puts on at least one "crap" thing every year, possibly on purpose, and this would satisfy, plus require Coach to eat bugs. What I didn't like was that he booked three segments worth. That's too much crap. And I take issue with Coach being called "pretty popular".
After this, it's RANDY ORTON (flirting with face-dom) v. THE UNDERTAKER (flirting with heelosity!) 2 - THE SEQUEL! Based on what? Well, at the Rumble, Booker tries to screw Orton out of his returned favor. So Orton dumps Booker and then...BONG! 'Taker dashes Orton's "destiny" and Orton is not pleased. 'Taker snaps, and not only is Orton caught in the Dead Man's wrath, but so are innocent bystanders. Orton feels genuine guilt at her fate, but also knows 'Taker went too far. 'Taker isn't nearly as remorseful, so Orton makes the challenge for WM. I realize both guys will be going in to the match as "'tweeners" at best, no matter how you try to spin it, but mixed crowd reaction will only make the match all the more interesting. Oh, Orton loses again. Cuz 'Taker's nuts now. Shouldn't hurt Orton much. Just reinforce that 'Taker's got his number, plus both men are in the middle of a turn, which trumps the match's result.
First of all, this ain't the sequel, it's match 6 in their best of (apparently) 3000. Anyway, that aside, I'd rather have this match because it takes Orton out of a title picture for which he is not ready. Orton with remorse? I don't see it working, because then he'll be back to the pirouetting wussy face that got him into trouble last year. At times, you've just got to accept that someone's going to split the crowd, then run with it (see Cena, Angle), because at least they're reacting. And an Undertaker heel turn works for me, but the marks all cheer the entrance, so it'd be hard to do, and nearly impossible against Orton. Just my opinion.
Moving on, it's RVD v. SHELTON BENJAMIN (C) for the IC Title. This is after Shelton's winning ways of late take him through Ric Flair and a full-on heel turn. These guys are perfectly matched up for a great outing, and we're just getting things started here before the inevitable ladder match at Backlash. Benjamin wins, cuz RVD doesn't need the title.
Only if it makes for a longer feud, so have Benjamin win cheap.
Which leads to SHAWN MICHAELS v....SHANE-O-MAC, No Holds Barred, Falls Count Anywhere, whatever. Why Simba? Cuz they ain't getting The Rock, and almost anyone else would be very underwhelming. Shawn wins. Shane falls from something high, or into something large and hard. Whatever you fancy.
Well, it'd be better than Shawn-Vince will be, but I don't think Shane's up to pulling off the bumps of his carefree youth. Remember, if not for hair dye, Shane'd be fairly grey.
RIC FLAIR v. TRIPLE H, with special guest referee Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat. Cuz Flair & Steamboat had that awesome encounter in Chicago, so it's appropriate. With Hall of Fame inductees still standing by, Triple H beats Flair once and for all. But the sage, mindful eyes of the legends prevent Triple H from gloating or getting on with the beatdown. (This could also make up for the RAW Homecoming when a bunch of old-timers looked on as Flair bled like a newly-deflowered virgin on the rag). Under their gaze, the King of Kings is compelled to lift Flair to his feet, and the two old friends shake hands before Steamboat raises both their arms, and Triple H sets off on a path toward his face turn.
Be a good match, but Trip's face turn would seem really, really contrived. Again, I'd like it because it wouldn't be Trip-Cena for the title.
Crowd gets a rest with LASHLEY v. JBL, which we're calling The Streak v. The Guarantee. JBL cheats to win. Or not. Doesn't really matter. I guess we can gauge crowd reaction to either guy leading up to the event, then base the winner on that.
Too high on the card, I'd put the women's match here, but sure, it's an inoffensive match. I suspect Lashley won't even be on the Mania card this year, though.
Then, if it IS going to happen, you do HOGAN v. AUSTIN (???). It won't happen, probably. Fine. But if you MUST give Hogan a match, you put it here. Unless you can sucker Randy Savage into a match, or MAYBE Rock/Hogan III, I wouldn't even bother. What else would even draw at this point? So, yeah, Hogan does something here, which ends in the Octagenarian Leg Drop and five minutes of Hogan's usual "I'll leave the ring when I damn well ready" routine. Probably an American flag involved somewhere, too, I suppose.
It won't happen, and in my heart I'd want Austin to win, for the same reason it was right for Rock to beat Hogan at X8. Do it face-face, have your post-match respect, but give a little credit to the guy who drew more money than anyone in the history of the business.
JOHN CENA v. EDGE (C) for the WWE Championship. Theoretically the final showdown between these two. Given JUST the personalities, it's probably not the biggest marquee match-up they could do (Cena/Triple H might be the way to go on that front). But, lately, "Edge = Ratings", and shouldn't lose the title before WM. And we don't want Triple H (or anyone else) in the RAW main event because of the 3-way we have planned for SmackDown!'s. And, mostly, the crowd is eating up Cena v. Edge. As long as the creative team doesn't make (m)any wrong moves (right...), this could be a really hot story going into March. Edge wins, cuz there's more ground to cover with him as champ than with Cena.
Edge's title loss at the Rumble will be going on the list of things I will never let WWE forget that they screwed up completely. Unless they change their minds suddenly. They won't.
Finally, the best part of the night, it's REY MYSTERIO v. CHRIS BENOIT v. KURT ANGLE (C) in an honest-to-God Eddie Guerrero Tribute Match for the World Heavyweight Title, with Rey Mysterio (whose story would be probably the MOST touching...but really, does it matter?) winning cleanly, and everyone celebrating in the ring after the match as Eddie's signature music plays.
I had to delete a bunch of story with how Benoit gets in the match, and involving interference by MNM, Mark Henry, Davari, Melina, Batista, and Chavo Guerrero (a little excessive, I'd say), but the bottom line is...Match of the Year.
See, I post long e-mails, as long as they're interesting. I challenge you to do the same as Sam. Maybe not in terms of content, but in terms of interest.
And One To Go On
Tonight on Raw, it's the start of an eight-man tournament to determine who faces John Cena at WrestleMania, and Edge isn't even one of them. I just said I love tournaments, but when you know Triple H is going to win, it kind of ruins it for me.
Anyway, 411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight, Larry is in tomorrow, and I will be back next week.
