MeeThinks 3.14.06: March Madness, WWE-style
Posted by John Meehan on 03.14.2006
Bah Gawd! The Big Dance is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!
" Gentles, methinks you frown:
And wherefore gaze this goodly company,
As if they saw some wondrous monument…"
- Petruchio, The Taming of the Shrew
Act III, scene ii
Greetings readers, new and old – and welcome back to The Most Positive Column in the IWC! Thanks for joining Mee over here as we move away from the "bigger picture" that was last week's column and jump right back into the thick of things that is the current state of affairs for the wrestling world today.
And what's that, you ask?
Well that's an easy one.
If it's March, and it's wrestling – than we must be talking about…
Yup. It's WrestleMania time again, folks – and while we've already spent a column or two reflecting on the road to the Big Night – this time around I'd like to take a closer look at just how this year's card is shaping up now that most of the matches have already been made.
Sound like a plan?
Rock & roll.
Glossary entries and reader feedback was a bit light this week, but I've included what I received (and some good old fashioned "MeeThinks" feedback) just the same – so check out this week's debate and make sure to scroll on down to the rest of the good stuff at the bottom!)
Ahh – the sweet stuff's at the bottom… kinda like the slimy underside of a frozen cup of Italian Ice, no?
(drools)
Enough tangents for one day – let's get to it!
MeeThinks: March Madness, WWE-style "Bah Gawd! The Big Dance is BUSTED WIDE OPEN!"
For those of y'all who are not aspiring Shakespeare scholars like myself (nerd alert), allow Mee to break down that quote you see at the top of this column…
" Gentles, methinks you frown:
And wherefore gaze this goodly company,
As if they saw some wondrous monument…"
In plain speak –
With such a monumental event on the horizon – what are we all getting upset for? As the Natcha' Boy might even say…
"What's CAUZIN all this!?!?"
Shouldn't WrestleMania be the highlight of every WWE fans' year?! Shouldn't this yearly supershow of supershows be universally lauded and greeted with exhilaration and anticipation?
MeeThinks the answer to each of the above questions is a clear and obvious "yes," but we'll get there in a second. First, let's look at why folks are hedging their bets on this bad boy to begin with…
Our Story So Far…
A few columns ago we got to talking about how this year's "Road to WrestleMania" was shaping up to make for one of the worst in recent history. Many are saying that the show lacks that "Big Time" feel of ‘Manias past, and some are even saying it's on target to wind up being as bad of a show as (gasp) WrestleMania IX…
We've covered how we got to this point before, so for the sake of timeliness (and lack of redundancy) – this column will just be sinking its teeth into the actual meat and potatoes of the main criticisms (and MeeThinks) on the actual matches that are likely for the card to date.
Starting from the "bottom," then – let's break down the criticism match by match, yes?
We're looking at…
Playboy Cover Girl Candice Michelle vs. Former Two-Time Playboy Cover Girl Torrie Wilson (Rumored)
In our obligatory "T&A" matchup of the evening, "no-talent" Torrie Wilson takes on "the girl who spins in a circle." It honestly boggles my mind why wrestling fans continue to get worked up over just how lousy the in-ring quality of matches like these are likely to be, because it's painfully obvious that the company doesn't even want fans to buy the thing for it's technical merit. Still, we're left with two VERY limited wrestler-ettes in the ring "taking away precious space on the card" from more talented performers (read: Chavo, Super Crazy, Hardcore Holly, etc.) just for the sake of (puns intended) getting a rise out of the 18-24 year-old male demographic to pop a few extra buys for the event.
Boogeyman vs. Booger T (Rumored)
"God it's the Boogeyman, yet again" come the criticisms. "Which former champion is gonna' be jobbing to this freakshow this time?" And why is Booker T being "wasted" in a program against Boogey when he could easily be challenging for the Money in the Bank title shot? Hold your horses, kids – a) this might not even make the show, and b) we'll get back to this one in a second.
The Undertaker vs. "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry (w/ Daivari) Casket Match
"Ug – it's Mark Henry!" Some fans still haven't forgiven Big Mark for his escapades with Mae Young and Sammi the transvestite – and there are plenty of critics out there who are down on the Big Man for making it to the Big Dance against a bona-fide "legend" the likes of the Dead Man. On the flipside, there are others out there who'd like to see ‘Taker's WrestleMania streak be put in more believable jeopardy as he squares off against a more credible up-and-coming star who's just chomping at the bit to best the Dead Man on the night that he's never tasted defeat.
"The Hardcore Legend" Mick Foley vs. "The Rated R Superstar" Edge Hardcore Match
Not too much flack for this match in and of itself, minus a few fans still hung up over the fact that Mr. Copeland isn't in the main event. Small point though that is, it's drawn many critics to dismiss this match as a far cry from the level of competition a guy like Edge should be facing at such a major PPV considering the year that he's had. More on this in a bit…
World Wrestling Entertainment C.E.O. Vince McMahon vs. "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels
Hardly a technical classic in the making, this feud is probably the second-longest program (to Mickie/Trish) that is scheduled to come to a boiling point at the Big Dance. Many fans are up in arms about the fact that such a talented wrestler like Michaels is being "wasted" in a program against a non-regular wrestler (and some might even say a "non-wrestler") like Vinny Mac. Others are crapping all over the program for it being "dull" and "uninspired" – while others still are writing the thing off because it could easily have been changed to Shawn vs. Shane, Shawn vs. Marty or some combination thereof. Well, not exactly… but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Ric Flair vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. three Smackdown superstars Money in the Bank Ladder Match – winner earns a title shot at his respective brand's championship
While having his way with a nameless jobber, Carlito took the opportunity to throw out the suggestion for a repeat of last year's wildly successful "Money in the Bank" ladder match. Unfortunately for Senor Caribbean Cool – his loss in the first round of the qualifying matches (to Ric Flair, no less) locked him out of this year's title shot challenge. Ironically, there were more than a number of fans who were actually upset that Flair went over Carlito (?!), and so they've been down on this match as being "derivative," and "slapped together" ever since. Others are down on the thing for being "meaningless" – but then again, seeing what Edge did with his Money in the Bank win from last year – this point could well be debatable. Regardless of what the criticism, though – there's a fair number of haters waiting in the wings for this one to fail.
Women's Title Match
Trish Stratus (c) vs. Mickie James (Rumored)
Though this match hasn't "officially" been announced yet, all signs are pointing to a Mickie / Trish showdown at this year's ‘Mania (if not sooner!). Now sure, they've been "slow burning" the program for the better part of a good SIX MONTHS (!) – but there are still skeptics who are hedging their bets on this one simply because they feel that the ‘E missed striking while the iron was hot on this feud a good two months back. Couple that with the fact that Mickie is still relatively inexperienced in a WWE ring (and on a "Big Time" ppv stage) – and there are those who would have you believe that this match has "disaster" written all over it.
World Tag Team Titles Match
Kane & The Big Show (c) vs. Carlito & Chris Masters
Yes, there are still tag team titles in World Wrestling Entertainment – and while the ‘E put the straps on their two resident "big men" to help hide the fact that the tag ranks are so thin (a feat they attempted to accomplish by simply having Show & Kane absolutely squash any and all challengers for the past five months), fans are wary of a tag titles showdown at ‘Mania simply because there seems little reason to get excited about a title match for the belts of an all but dead division. Further compounding the problem is the fact that it means that Carlito is just spinning his wheels in the tag ranks while missing out on the Money in the Bank title shot. Oh yeah, and the fact that we're all supposed to agree that "Chris Masters sucks…"
WWE United States Title Match
Chris Benoit (c) vs. JBL
Benoit broke JBL's hand, and thus a title match was born. Now it should be noted that ‘web fans in particular have always been hesitant to write off Benoit matches before they come to pass – but there's still a small but vocal sentiment out there who are none to happy to see two former world champions squaring off in a match over a "secondary" title like the U.S. gold. These same critics will kindly ignore the fact that Orlando Jordan was "making a mockery" of this same belt less than one year ago today, of course, and the fact that having Benoit and JBL treat the thing like it means something might actually be helping re-establish the belt's credibility – but they'll hammer home the fact that Bradshaw is a limited worker and that Benoit should be main eventing until the day he joins Eddie in that great PPV in the sky. So yeah – "boo hiss" to this one…
WWE Title Match
John Cena vs. Triple H
Perhaps the most volatile WrestleMania program since Lesnar / Goldberg, this one has all the makings of a train wreck as fans turn on both men on a near weekly basis, refusing to accept one man's credible claim as number one contender while at the same time refusing to acknowledge that the other is a fitting champion. While their promos and altercations thus far have been perversely entertaining (much like watching two hobos fight to the death), many are writing this program off as "the title match that nobody wants to see" – and so despite the fact that these same critics enthralled to see the sociological reaction the Chi Town crowd will give to this encounter, they'll tell you that they "couldn't care less" about the outcome and they're "sure as hell not willing to plunk down $40 to see it."
World Title Match
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio
And thus we reach the Smackdown title match, technically the "main event" since its challenger was (rather convolutedly) determined by the winner of the 2006 Royal Rumble. Rey Rey and Orton have been going at it (in what some have called a "classless" and "distasteful" fashion) since January – but OUR Olympic Hero just seems to be sitting on the sidelines without a real interest in either of these man's "destinies" or their challenge to his still newly-won World Title. Again, critics of this bout will conveniently forget to mention the fact that Angle has been out there busting his ass against the Undertaker to make himself look like a credible champion (because, let's remember, he definitely needed some "oomph" as champ after having come into his reign under less than ideal or "credible" circumstances), but they'll be happy to highlight the fact that the guy seems like an afterthought to the longstanding Mysterio/Orton beef.
So –
Rather than dwelling on how much each of these matches will "suck" – let Mee check that negativity at the door and break these suckers down one at a time in a little column I likes ta' call…
MeeThinks?
On the surface, I'll be more than willing to grant you that this year's WrestleMania seems to be lacking a bit of that extra special "x" factor (and no, not Waltman and Justin Credible…) to really sell the show as a "Big Time" ppv. But that said, let's look at the positives here:
1) Most (if not all) of the matches are fresh. They feature never-before-seen showdowns (or rarely-before-seen showdowns) between a healthy mix of "old timers" and "up and comers."
2) This year's card features plenty of new faces (to the WWE middle-to-main-event picture, at least). Love them or hate them, guys like Lashley, Finlay, Boogeyman, Carlito, MNM and Chris Masters have never been given the chance to shine in the "Big Time" spotlight that is WrestleMania (note: As of press time, Finlay, Lashley and MNM had yet to be named to the ‘Mania card – but I fully expect two or all of them to do so by the time the final card is announced). Fresh showdowns + fresh faces = long-term investment and winners all around.
3) Virtually none of the contests are easily predictable. Sure, ‘Taker will win – but will Triple H feed his ego with another title win or will Vinny Mac "stick it" to the fans for the sake of moving more merchandise with a prolonged Cena reign?
4) Of the matches that have actually been announced, "Big Time" spectacle feel or no – the actual quality of the in-ring product of most of these encounters should actually be quite good. Of all the women on the roster, Mickie is probably the most competent to face Trish outside of Victoria (and she's certainly no worse than Christie Hemme from last year!). ‘Taker and Henry have the casket ‘stip to help hide the Big Man's limited moveset. Edge and Foley are tight in real life, so there's little reason for either man not to try and make the other look good here. And while Michaels/McMahon might be lacking in terms of "technical masterpiece" – it easily makes up for it with a boatload of mark-out run-in possibilities (Marty?! Shane?! Sid?! BRET?!)
5) No non-wrestler-centric "special main event" matchups. While some might dissent on this issue and note that Bam Bam / LT was actually quite passable for a ‘Mania showdown, I'll kindly remind you that such ventures as Big Show and Akebono going at it in a thong-laden-slap-fest and Kane tombstoning Pete Rose were not. Sure, those other bouts have their place among the "spectacle" and crossover-like appeal of a major PPV such as WrestleMania – but the long and short of it is that those matches simply detract from the weekly product that is WWE's bread and butter. In other words, while non-wrestling personalities definitely have their place at WrestleMania – I'd argue that (for the most part) they're better left out of any and all in-ring altercations. I think it's fair to say that the ‘E can leave the "non-wrestling" wrestling matches to the divas – at least they're on the regular payroll!
So yeah -
With each of these facts and more, I think the naysayers and the doomsdayers are way off the mark on writing this year's ‘Mania off before it even starts. But let's get into the nuts and bolts of each of these matches individually just to really help hammer this point home:
Playboy Cover Girl Candice Michelle vs. Former Two-Time Playboy Cover Girl Torrie Wilson (Rumored)
Sure, the match will be a disaster – but to quote Ryan Reynolds from Waiting, "I've made peace with that." The purpose of this little encounter is to help put the spotlight on the ‘E's latests aspiring media darling (read: tramp ;-) Candice "Go Daddy" Michelle and to help sucker in a few gentlemen buyers hoping for the off-chance that one of these two "fine young ladies" might accidentally suffer some sort of wardrobe malfunction in the process. Any press is good press, and while I'm not a particular fan of either of the ladies involved (I likes ta' callz ‘em "Sandpaper Face" and "Spinner Chick," respectively) – you've got to hand it to the ‘E for knowing how to sell what people are willing to buy. A rag-tag six man of undercard jobbers? Not gonna' convince people to lay out $40 large – but a tease of some softcore T&A? Ding ding – we have a buyer. Plenty of fans loves them their divas – and since their a much more marketable commodity than a meaningless undercard bout pitting a guy like Lance Cade against somebody like Orlando Jordan (no disrespect intended to either man, of course) it makes perfect sense to give the fans what they want *and* what they're willing to pay to see.
Boogeyman vs. Booger T (Rumored)
There is talk that this one might actually wind up going down at Saturday Night's Main Event instead, but considering the amount of hype and effort that the company has put into this program thus far – I wouldn't be surprised in the least if the ‘E made a last-minute decision to push the blowoff of Boogey v. Booker to the Big Dance. And when you look at how entertaining the angle between these two men has been over the past two months – I wouldn't fault the company in the least if they decided to put these two on the ‘Mania card to reward them for all of their hard work up to this point.
I said it from the get-go – Boogeyman is an AWESOME performer and a guy who absolutely gives his heart and worm-filled soul to the ‘wrasslin' business. Unlike some other fly-by-nights like Goldberg (and even Brock, to a lesser extent) – you can easily see that Marty Wright just lives for the wrestling business and that he's willing to do any and everything to make sure that he succeeds in sending the fans home happy. So rather than the WrestleMania XX debacle that was "I'm to big for this business" Bill vs. "Me play foozeball good!" Brock – the Boogeyman vs. Booker T could easily be a prime example of a showdown between two men who not only are consistently among the most entertaining (if not underappreciated) performers in the entire industry, but also between two superstars who are performing at the top of their games as of late.
In other words – so what if the match won't be a technical classic? These two guys are totally busting their ass to make the program work, they obviously love the business, and they easily deserve a major payday for their troubles.
The Undertaker vs. "The World's Strongest Man" Mark Henry (w/ Daivari) Casket Match
Those of you who think that this year's ‘Taker opponent isn't "up to par" with his past ‘Mania foes, I'll kindly remind you of some of the other "big names" he's faced at WrestleManias past…
A Train (with the Big Show)
Giant Gonzales
The Big Bossman
Now sure, he's bested Flair, Triple H, Jake Roberts, Kane (twice), Nash, Snuka and King Kong Bundy at the Big Dance as well – but the bottom line here is that each of the matches in Dead Man's "unbeaten streak" at WrestleMania haven't always been "epic" in their scope.
This year, he's got Mark Henry – a pretty forgone conclusion that we're just a month away from hearing that The Phenom is 14-0. But then again, the Casket Match stip – while hardly hiding the fact that UT is the clear favorite to win again – does help add some much needed intrigue to this bout. For two reasons, actually…
1) Having a prop like a casket at ringside will undoubtedly help mask the fact that both of these guys are prone to a "slow, methodical" style. The inherent drama of "can he push him in or can't he?!" and the added bonus of "just who is gonna run down to ringside to help?!?" will easily help make this match much more enjoyable than it would have been if it were simply "big guy vs. big guy" in your standard one-on-one affair.
2) Everyone is so quick to forget that ‘Taker is just as prone to LOSE his "specialty" matches as he is to win them. Now sure, Henry is almost guaranteed to do the j.o.b. in this contest – but let's remember that ‘Taker has LOST more "specialty" casket and buried alive matches than he has won!
So yeah, while the ending of this one is pretty well telegraphed – fans of positivity can take heart in three points here.
1) Sure, ‘Taker will win – but the Casket Match stip will make things much more entertaining and easier to watch. And while this particular encounter is hardly as "epic" as, say, ‘Taker vs. Trips at ‘Mania from some years back – it's certainly going to be easier to watch (thanks to the casket at ringside) than past ‘Mania outings like ‘Taker and no-show-Nathan-Jones vs. Big Show and A-Train.
2) Even though ‘Taker is the odds on favored to win, here's still an outside chance that old UT might fall victim to a "specialty match" loss. Let's not forget here, folks – he's lost casket matches to guys like Yokozuna, Cowboy Bob & Randy Orton, and Goldust. In other words – sure it's a long shot, but stranger things have happened.
3) When ‘Taker does inevitably win, his streak stays intact for yet another year. ‘Taker fans can stay happy, and Mark Henry can finally hang up those oversized boots once and for all and enjoy his well-earned (and long overdue) retirement from professional wrestling.
"The Hardcore Legend" Mick Foley vs. "The Rated R Superstar" Edge Hardcore Match
Fans of "garbage wrestling" should be all about this one. Foley can take a bump like no one else (well, except maybe Mikey Whipwreck ;-) – and Edge is in desperate need of an opponent who he can absolutely pummel within an inch of his life in order to help him maintain that "mean streak" heel momentum that's served him so well ever since he stole Lita from Matt Hardy. We should expect plenty of plunder, boatloads of brawling, and a sure-fire blade job from Mick here to really hammer home the point that Edge has staying power as a legitimately pissed off baddie and not just some guy who screams a lot and makes Ralph Wiggum "grr – this is my angry face" pantomimes in a desperate attempt to convince fans that he's a badass.
Sure, it might have been fun to see Edge have a longer run with the belt – but we've got to remember that outside of that Summerslam mess with Matt Hardy, the guy has yet to prove that he's got any real "ruthlessness" behind his ability to outguess his opponents and cheat the system. For as much crap as Triple H gets for being the "politician" (onscreen and off) and the "Cerebral Assassin" who relies more on ploys and traps than on pure aggression – there is no doubt in fans' minds that Trips can still get down and dirty with the best of them inside of the squared circle.
In other words –
If Edge hopes to be taken seriously as a main-event heel with staying power – he's going to need more than his wits and the ability to think on his feet in order to convince fans that he's for real and that he's around for the long haul. Beating up on a beloved legend like Mick Foley will do wonders to help convince the casual fan of the guy's ass-kickin' "street cred" – something that a guy like Cena is really hurting for now that the main event spotlight is exposing his lack of depth, and something that can really go a long way in establishing a credible top-level threat for years to come.
So yeah, it sucks that Edge isn't main-eventing this year's ‘Mania – but if Foley does his best to sell for the guy and make him look like an all-out badass at this year's show (as I fully suspect he will) – then I think it's a safe bet that the ‘E is setting the wheels in motion for The Rated R Superstar to main-event plenty of WrestleManias in the future.
(And let's not forget, folks – Edge, like Undertaker, is also unbeaten at WrestleMania. And if there ever was an heir apparent to the Dead Man's ‘Mania legacy – we might very well be looking at the man who will one day be stealing the torch from The Phenom's cold, dead hands.)
World Wrestling Entertainment C.E.O. Vince McMahon vs. "The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels
Again, we all know that this one has absolutely "No Chance in Hell" of comparing to the mat classic that was Michaels/Angle from last year's show – but there should be little doubt that it could well be the most exciting match of the night just the same. Vince always pulls out all the stops at ‘Mania (vs. Shane, vs. Hogan, etc.) – so there is little reason to believe that he won't be stepping up his game here. Couple that with the specter of run-ins from every avenue of Shawn's past hanging heavy over this showdown – and this bout is rife with potential mark-out moments and true "Only At WrestleMania"-type memories in the making.
Sid?! Recent rumors have indicated that he's been talking to WWE officials about the possibility of a return. Sure, he's way past his prime and should not be allowed anywhere NEAR a microphone – but what if the former Sexy Boy bodyguard decides to hit the ring, drop Shawn on his neck and suddenly align himself with the McMahons? True, it's not as "mark-out" as some of the other prospects – but it'd make for a great little swerve with the potential for a few solid post-‘Mania in-ring showdowns to boot.
Shane? Almost a given at this point – but the Boy Wonder has made it his mission in life to take whatever sick bump the ‘E's opponent-of-the-month has been willing to dish out, so I see no reason why a Shane-O-Mac "OHMYGOD" spot at WrestleMania 22 is in any way out of the question. Can you say top rope elbow drop through the Spanish announce table? Si senor…
Marty!? If the former Rocker can get his act together in time for a ‘Mania return – there are a number of possibilities for the ‘E with a Jannetty return. The obvious option would be to see him hit the ring in HBK's defense to even the odds as Vinny Mac and Shane-O do their obligatory double-team, but a second (and perhaps even more intriguing) option would have Marty run in only to level Shawn and side with the McMahons – perhaps "in return for a contract" or something to that effect.
BRET?! If this came to pass, it'd be nothing short of incredible. Obviously the longest shot of the bunch, but if there ever were the chance for a logical Bret WrestleMania cameo, you're looking at it, folks.
In other words –
Sure, the match will lack technical prowess, but it should be hella-exciting just the same. I for one will surely be watching that entrance ramp just as intently as I'll be watching the match itself on the off chance that one of these guys makes his presence known. And if we're all waiting anxiously to see what the ‘E has up their sleeve, then we're just as well looking at a solid WrestleMania encounter in the making.
Ric Flair vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. three Smackdown superstars Money in the Bank Ladder Match – winner earns a title shot at his respective brand's championship
From the RAW side of things, bravo to WWE for mixing it up and bucking convention with this one. Everybody expected Carlito and RVD to be locks, which pretty well meant that the third spot would go to a guy like Chris Masters whilst Shelton and Flair feuded over the IC strap.
But instead?
Switcheroo, and we get RVD, Shelton, and FLAIR (!) – which is an awesome collection of ladder-match-ready competitors. Just two months ago, Flair proved that he can deliver an outstanding ladder match (vs. Edge), and I see no reason why the Nature Boy wont do the same here. With unfinished business against Shelton to boot – that gives him all the more reason to target the Intercontinental Champion throughout the course of this bout, forcing Mr. Benjamin to step up his game all the more if he hopes to elude the Nature Boy and duplicate his stellar performance from last year's $itB outing.
And if, by some chance, Flair pulls off the miracle upset and wins the title shot – who's to say that the 16-time World Champion won't just decide to cash the thing in by the end of the night? Not to fantasy book too much here – but say, if Triple H beats Cena for the WWE title in the main event, old ‘Naitch suddenly comes strolling down to ringside just as the confetti is about to drop to close out the show, looks Trips in the eye and says "as far as I'm concerned, we're 1 and 1 apiece. Let's finish this once and for all, fat boy."
Sure it's a stretch – but to see Ric Flair holding a world title to close out the biggest pay per view of the WWE's calendar year? You'd mark so hard and you know it. Which is exactly why his involvement in the Money in the Bank title shot picture makes the match all the more compelling.
RVD, meanwhile, is white hot and as close to the WWE main event picture as he's ever been. A win in the Money in the Bank match would guarantee him a world title shot, and if the fans stay behind him as strongly as they have since his return – there's a good chance we'll be seeing "Mr. Monday Night" wearing championship gold by this time next year.
Who will the Smackdown competitors be? Smart money says "Matt Hardy" – a seasoned ladder match veteran himself, and the two remaining spots could easily be filled by a number of qualified midcard candidates ranging from "rookie" sensations like Bobby Lashley, The Boogeyman (though doubtful) and the re-born Fit Finlay all the way to old pros like Booker T and the rest. Unlike RAW, Smackdown is just brimming with a midcard of believable challengers for a world title – so the blue brand will most definitely serve up a solid offering no matter who they decide to put forth!
And with the potential for "mystery" brand-switch entrants still in the cards – this match could easily be the hottest of the night. "Chavo Guererro," anyone? Don't say I didn't tell you so.
Women's Title Match
Trish Stratus (c) vs. Mickie James (Rumored)
If you're not looking forward to see these two settle the score at ‘Mania, then you simply haven't been watching enough WWE programming over the past year. Mickie and Trish is the best (and longest running) angle in the business right now, and the potential for turns and double-turns at the Big Dance should be more than enough to keep viewers' interest throughout the contest.
Will Mickie win the fans over despite her psychosis (for really now, who could blame her for falling for a babe like Trish)?
Will Trish lose the fans' favor by denying fans the chance to see her cave to Mickie's "HLA" advances?
Will Trish find out that perhaps she too has a bit of "Brokeback" in her as she unexpectedly finds herself giving in to Mickie's Sapphic wishes?
Regardless – the match should be quality (easily better than last year's women's title bout) and the storyline has a number of possibilities, so there's absolutely no reason to be down on it. Heck, with any luck it could even break the *** mark – a true feat for any divas' contest in this day and age.
World Tag Team Titles Match
Kane & The Big Show (c) vs. Carlito & Chris Masters
In all honesty, this match will probably do more to further this feud than it will to resolve it – but given the lack of credible challengers in the tag ranks for the time being, it probably makes just as much sense to keep these four men occupied in tag contests until the ‘E figures out just what they're looking to do with the division in the long run. Logically speaking, a tag showdown here will probably do more for every man involved than any singles bouts could have – so fans might want to look at the bigger picture of this contest before they dismiss it outright.
Remember just about a year ago when the ‘E was teasing a Masters vs. Show feud? Well here's the seeds to revisiting that feud, and your chance to see somebody finally break the Masterlock and put the rookie sensation in his place. Show is a solid upper-card face for the RAW roster, so there's every reason to keep him occupied with Masters to help establish the new guy as more than just an overpushed and overrated wannabe.
Masters, despite all the hate, is still a natural heel and a hot prospect. Yes, he's remarkably green and yes, he's incredibly awkward both in the ring and on the mic – but pairing him with a stick-man like Carlito and letting the duo have themselves a nice little run with the tag straps will certainly help to mask the young guy's flaws while he takes a lesson or two from Senor Caribbean Cool while he hones his skills. A mini-feud against TBS will only help put the guy over as the "dumb jock heel who everybody wants to see get beaten," and you've got a natural program against a freshly-turned Carlito when the duo inevitably goes their separate ways.
Kane is Kane – and he will always be right about where he is on the card no matter what the ‘E tries to do with him. He's an upper-mid-carder (or a lower-main-eventer, depending on the situation), and he does quite a bit of losing while still keeping his credibility intact. For this reason, it makes all the more sense to mix him up with guys like Carlito, Masters and – to a lesser extent – Show; each of whom are solid upper-midcard (to lower main-event) performers, and all of whom could benefit from a long-running feud to really help add some much-needed "shine" to their stars on the rise (see: Kane vs. Edge). The Kane/Show feud is a natural progression some time down the line – but in the mean time, I think the ‘E is wise keeping the Big Red Machine paired up with the Seven Foot Giant to help mask the lack of depth in the tag ranks and to help put over the new talent like Carlito and Masters along the way.
WWE United States Title Match
Chris Benoit (c) vs. JBL
This match has "sleeper" written all over it, and given these two men's real-life friendship (both were incredibly close with Eddie, remember) – I suspect that many fans might be well surprised to see just how hard both of these guys are going to pull out the stops to make sure that their ‘Mania match is a good one.
The U.S. belt spent most of 2005 as somewhat of a joke. Orlando Jordan's craptastic title reign certainly didn't help matters, and the fact that guys like Ken Kennedy (…Kennedy!) and Booker T went down with an injury just as the title scene was heating up definitely didn't do much do fix things.
And thus, two former world champions found themselves squabbling over this "secondary" belt. Benoit – a former World Champion, and Bradshaw – a former WWE Champ – have each seen their fair share of accolades over the past two years, and now with the main event picture being crowded by new faces (and a bit of reshuffling of the old) – both men found themselves without a meaningful match on tap for WrestleMania.
"But John," come the critics – "Benoit could have easily been put into the Money in the Bank ladder match!"
True, says I – but given the fact that he'd likely walk out of that match on the losing end of things, what would be the real point of putting him into the bout in the first place except for to have him be nothing more than a "warm body" filling a space that could have easily gone to another superstar?
Simply put – there's little reason to put a performer of Benoit's caliber into a match where his involvement will be nothing more than an afterthought. But in the U.S. title match, Benoit and JBL are instrumental halves to a spotlight that will be shining directly on them and them alone. And with such a bright spotlight pointed directly on two former world champions facing off over a "secondary" belt , chances are that the belt itself might just be able to regain some much needed "shine" of its own in the process. Much like Flair did in winning the IC strap – the fact that a former world champion the likes of a "Wrestling Gawd" like JBL or a "Wrestling God" like Chris Benoit even take the time to put their hearts into a program over a "secondary" belt can only help to increase the prestige of the belt itself over the long run.
And no matter how you look at it, a match that helps to establish a prestigious belt is a very good thing.
Speaking of "good things" – let's wrap this up with a look at the double main event:
WWE Title Match
John Cena vs. Triple H
For train-wreck fan reaction factor alone, this match should be incredible. There's one of four outcomes to be had here, the way I see it:
1) Fans come around on Cena and cheer him while booing Trips like we're expected to. If this is the case (which I don't think it will be) – then I give you every right to tune this match out, as it will probably be a pretty dull and pedestrian affair. But since it's not gonna happen like this – I'll encourage you to keep hope alive and consider the following options…
2) Fans take to Trips and boo for Cena (as they did a few weeks' back in Washington DC). Both guys try to "go with it" – unlike they did in DC (more like Rock turning "quasi-heel" for his matchup against Hogan in Toronto) – and we're looking at a HEEL Cena and a FACE Triple H by match's end (kinda like the Trips/Steiner contests, come to think of it…). This doesn't mean that either man will make a full-fledged turn, mind you – it just means that they'll be willing to "go with the flow" of the crowd sentiment as they hear it on that particular night, and that fans can easily expect a much better match as a result.
3) Fans take to Trips and boo for Cena (as they did a few weeks' back in Washington DC). Rather than "going with it," both guys try to force themselves down the fans throats while staying in their respective heel/face roles. This will lead to an all out fan revolt on the match (ala Lesnar / Goldberg at ‘Mania XX) – and the crowd will absolutely tear both guys to shreds over the course of their contest.
4) Fans will do what they will toward Cena and Trips, and boo or cheer (or fans divided, as I suspect the case will be) – both guys will try and go out there to deliver the best performance possible. But since the fans will be so sharply (and bitterly) divided on the thing, the finish to the match could very well see one of them earning the fans' respect in spite of themselves, only to (inevitably) "swerve" us once again to see said "hey, he's not that bad after all" performer suddenly do a full-fledged face or heel turn (respectively), thus completely rendering any and all pre-existing fan dynamic useless as these performers make the long-term commitment to reshape their characters so as to embrace the fan sentiment.
Regardless of which of the latter three courses of action the match just so happens to take – I for one am incredibly excited to see how we, the fans, will play a vital (perhaps even a "main event") role in determining the outcome of one of the biggest matches of the year. Will we boo Cena? Will we embrace Hunter? Will we just turn on the entire match altogether!? And no matter what we do – what will the ‘E do in return?!
In short –
There's more than a number of reasonable possibilities here, so I can't wait to see how this one unfolds.
Finally –
World Title Match
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio
There are those who will tell you that Kurt Angle has been treated as an "afterthought" in this program whilst Orton and Mysterio fight over who can do the better job of sullying the memory of Eddie Guerrero. To these people, I'll kindly say…
"Get over yourselves and look at the bigger picture, folks."
Fact numero uno) Angle's still pretty fresh to Smackdown, and he's working his ass off (against ‘Taker, specifically) to prove his worth as a champion with staying power rather than one who just so happened to inherit a vacated belt thanks to an untimely injury to the "true" champion, Batista. The Angle/'Taker bouts did a tremendous job of convincing fans that Angle was a worthy heir to a belt that he never beat the champion to win, and the fact that he's been out proving his worth as champion night after night leading up to the Big Dance should prove that he's a competent and well-seasoned title holder going into the triple threat.
Fact numero dos) With each of Angle's title defenses coming with their share of "tainting" (as he cheated to beat Henry, and ‘Taker clearly "had his number") – the champ looks both credible and vulnerable going into a match against not one but TWO challengers. His wits and his luck have worked in his favor and saved his belt thrice before – but will two foes prove just too much for the Olympic Gold Medalist to outguess? And with the "one fall to a finish" stipulation of the Triple Threat (as opposed to the elimination style of the Three-Way-Dance), a "credible but vulnerable" champion could well be in the hottest water of his young title reign – as he doesn't even need to be involved in the pinfall in order to lose the strap. See how being both "credible" and "vulnerable" plays to his strength here?
Fact numero tres) It's Kurt Angle, people. He doesn't need to say a word, cut a promo or throw a punch in order to convince fans that he belongs in this particular championship program (or many others, for that matter). The guy is perpetually over, and any further involvement on his part in the long-simmering Orton/Mysterio feud would only serve to detract for these two men's beef. Angle's position is simple – "I'm the champ, and I don't really give a damn who the challenger is. I'll take on all comers, and I'll beat them all." And THAT, my friends, is exactly how an effective champion should be booked.
But since Orton and Rey Rey have a feud going into the match…
The program gets all the more exciting right off the bat. Will Mysterio allow his blind desire for revenge on Orton cloud his judgment in the big match, or will Rey Rey try to maintain focus at the cost of humiliating the same man who's tried to make his life (and Eddie's memory) the laughing stock of Smackdown for the past three months? Likewise – will Orton be able to keep his ego in check long enough to focus on beating Angle instead of humiliating Rey, or will his cockiness get the best of him and cost him to underestimate the Champ as he remains preoccupied with torturing Eddie's best friend?
Regardless –
The match itself should be quite an awesome affair just the same. Angle and Rey Rey have proven that they can really go when given the chance, and Orton himself has shown to be no slouch when playing the "dick" heel and given the proper opponents (Foley, Benoit, etc.). As far as I'm concerned – the storyline that feeds into this program is just icing on the cake, and it will do wonders in adding a compelling layer of intrigue to the title program.
So, to conclude –
If you're still second guessing the card – let Mee summarize it thusly:
The matches are fresh, the feuds are hot, the faces are a great mix of new and old… and…
It's WRESTLEMANIA, people.
I think that's reason enough to stay positive, don't you?
Agree? Disagree?
"Methinks it sounds a parley to provocation!"
- Iago, Othello
Act II, scene iii
Shoot me YourThinks and I'll post your thoughts next week!
In the meantime…
The Unofficial Glossary of Professional Wrestling: Volume XVI
We're compiling a massive Wrestling Glossary of fan observations of the clichés, trends, and standbys of the wrestling world that might as well serve as the unofficial "rulebook" for this sport we all love so well. Each week, I'll post one an entry of my own as well as a few submitted by you, my faithful (and hopefully articulate) readers.
It's simple, really. You submit an entry, I add it to the Glossary, and you get the credit.
This week's entries…
The No-Service Zone
Despite having regular access to cellular phones in order to stay in touch with one's family and loved ones, and despite the fact that said loved ones usually watch professional wrestling broadcasts from home so as to cheer on their absent family members – it is a well known fact that the backstage areas of wrestling arenas are, in fact, "no service zones" for all incoming family cellular telephone calls. As such, even if family members watching from home are made aware that a heel has set a backstage or in-ring trap for their loved ones, warning phone calls from said family members to the superstars in peril will ultimately prove fruitless, and said superstars are doomed to fall victim to said traps despite the fact that fans in attendance and those watching at home clearly knew it was coming (see: Michaels, Shawn and Roofies, Stephanie McMahon) -Meehan
The Rule of Free Nights and Weekends
While an increasing number of backstage segments feature wrestlers on cell phones, no cameraman in history has actually ever been in position to catch the beginning of a phone conversation – as such an occurrence would clearly give it away to the audience as to who was on the other end of said "mysterious" phone call. As a result, there is strong evidence to suggest that wrestlers' telephones are specially programmed to only allow incoming and outgoing calls to be made while out of the range of cameras. -Meehan
The Law of The Necessary Hand Pantomime
When two faces fend off a load of heels and there's some miscommunication which leads to one of said faces taking a whack in the back, the obvious and logical course of action to follow is for the faces to question one another as soon as their foes disperse. However, as the crowd noise affects their ability to hear one another despite the fact that they stand toe-to-toe in the center of the ring, faces must make the extra effort to flail their arms around in a sort of pantomime of the actions that transpired in order to get their point across that it was, in fact the heels who attacked. - Eileen Prior
The Top-of-the-Cage Conundrum
Should a wrestler attempt to perform a top-rope move from a position higher than said ropes (generally the top of a cage) their opponent will almost always evade the move at the last second. This usually results in the commentator to decry "THAT'S why they call it High Risk". It should, however, be noted that Ricky Steamboat seemed immune to this effect throughout his career. Recent evidence would indicate that those with the last name of "Hardy" also seem immune to this phenomenon as well. - Brett
Dudley's Law
Despite the fact that tables clearly break one's fall and should, in fact, soften one's landing upon their destruction, it is still far more devastating for any wrestler or valet to plummet through a table than it is to receive the same maneuver should it not result in the destruction of a table. This is because wrestlers' sweat mixes with wood varnish to form a tranquilizer powerful enough to instantly knock anyone unconscious from mere contact. In "hardcore" contests or those promoted under the ECW banner, however – it should be noted that wrestlers simply do not generate the appropriate sweat required to create such a tranquilizer and thus they are not rendered unconscious upon their collision with or destruction of said tables. - Carp
The "Look Before You Locker Room" Law
It is a well-known fact that wrestlers shown entering a locker room with a fellow competitor's name on the door are not likely to come upon said competitors whose name adorns said door (see: The "Guess Who" Private Locker Room Law). However, it is also a well-known fact that f a wrestler is shown entering a locker room with his or her own name on it, said wrestler is most certainly about to be blindsided. - Colin Roscoe
YouThinks Reader Mail
For the second week in a row, feedback fromlast week's column was, sadly, a bit lighter than usual. Just two this week, but no worries though – we're rolling right along at full speed with YourThinks all the same!
If you'd like to share YourThinks with Mee and the rest next time, shoot Mee YourThinks on this week's debate and we'll post it here next time!
First up? Lev who's showin' some "love" for last week's column (sorry, couldn't resist) and posing a question to the ‘E:
Just read your column about fans and their waning attention spans and how the monthly PPV and the information age have changed wrestling forever. Good stuff. But there is something I've been wondering about for a while now, and this might be naive of me, but I want to know why all wrestling companies insist on wrestling week in week out, year in year out?
It's overkill. It breeds familiarity and familiarity breeds contempt. Not matter how over a wrestler is, if you keep seeing that wrestler every single week for years and years you're gonna get sick of that wrestler. Or that move. Or that catchphrase and so on and so forth. Sometimes it seems that a long-term injury is the best thing that can happen to a wrestler and that's sad. Sad, and inevitable too, for with that endless schedule injuries are bound to occur.
I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. I'm Australian, and maybe it's just the American way to make everything as demanding as possible. From what I understand, during a baseball season there is a game every single day wait, let me look this up ................ 166 games in a freaking season! The NBA and NHL ain't much better, and from what I can gather, the only games that matter are the playoffs. So, in essence, most of these games are meaningless and the fans now it. Lose one day, oh well, we'll win tomorrow. But then we get to the NFL. 16 games in a season, I believe. And every single game matters. And therefore football is America's number one sport.
Basically what am saying is less is more. With this in mind, would it be unfeasible for wrestling promotions to have seasons of their own? And by promotions I basically mean the WWE, because they are the only one who could realistically do something like this. I just don't understand why they can't give everyone a vacation for a couple of months or more each year. Every sport has an off season, and so does every TV show, so why not wrestling? Why not the WWE? I'm sure the wrestlers would appreciate it.
Okay, this might be the craziest idea you ever heard. I don't know. What do you think?
Cheers.
- Lev.
Thanks for writing, Lev. I think you've got a good point, but I only half agree. Allow Mee to explain -
In pro baseball – you've got 166 games a year. That means that teams can lose just about half of those games and STILL make the playoff. Heck, they can even win the World Series with a record like that – which, in wrestling terms, would be like Eugene winning a World Title.
Pro football, on the other hand – features a regular season of only 16 games for each team (17 weeks, 16 games). Those teams with the best records qualify for the playoffs, and you must win EVERY playoff game in order to qualify for a shot at the sport's highest prize in the Superbowl. As such, teams that go just about .500 in the regular season are at a HUGE disadvantage come post-season, and they're (usually) quickly weeded out come playoff time.
In WRESTLING, then –
You're right in pointing out that the "pseudo sport" is a lot more like pro baseball in that there are simply several hundred televised (and non-televised) performances for each superstar each year, so a loss (or twenty) here or there simply doesn't affect them as badly as a loss here AND there when you're only competing, say, six months out of the year (as is the case with pro football, for example).
This is where your proposal hits a bit of a wall -
If the ‘E (or TNA, or ROH, etc.) were only to provide a half a year's worth of television each year, not only would they lose out on their revenue for the remaining half of the year – they'd also be forced to shove certain performers down our throats even more strongly than they do now, as they only would have six months to get us to buy that a guy was credible before giving him a few months off and letting the product "go cold" once again.
Baseball can afford 166 games because it's such a team sport. Even though the games are held so frequently, professional MLB pitchers only pitch one to two games a week – meaning that they can rely on their teammates (and bullpens) to keep the franchise winning (and popular) whilst they're resting up. Professional wrestling, on the other hand – simply doesn't have that sort of luxury.
Instead of relying on "teams" of wrestlers – each of whom is as successful and as popular as the next – professional wrestling is much more dependent on the relative success or failure of individual performers. Sure, we've got factions and stables from time to time – but nobody in their right mind is paying the same amount of money to watch The Godfather headline a PPV as they would for his former Nation buddy The Rock. In short – the success of the business hinges on the relative popularity of *individual performers*, and thus it's simply "bad business" to let those guys have a few weeks or months off from time to time "to keep them from getting stale" because it risks the prospect of them "going cold," and if that happens – then the draw is lost and everybody comes out worse for wear.
So yes –
While the year-round-grind does force characters to perform the same gimmicks, catchphrases and shticks night after night ad nasuem - a wrestling "off season" would be just as great a detriment (if not moreso) because these same acts would be soon forgotten and subject to an artificial series of "hot and cold" cycles (not to mention revenue losses) that the company simply couldn't afford. So yeah, while I agree that the nightly (or weekly, or monthly) repetition of the "same old same old" can grow tiresome in time – given the "individual success = company success" format of the biz, you've also got to accept that its probably just as much a necessary evil as fans (and performers) simply couldn't be asked to wait patiently for the next ‘go round whilst their favorites took an "off season."
Finally –
We'll close with first time contributor Tyler M., who really made my week with his letter:
Hey man,
I usually don't write feedback, but I just wanted to let you know that I sincerely enjoy your column. You obviously put a lot of effort into being positive, and keeping your articles unique and wholehearted, when some writers just phone it in half the time. Keep up the good work. Cheers.
- Tyler M.
Thanks for writing, Tyler – and thank you again for taking the time to read my weekly ramblings here on 411. Not gonna lie – hammering out some 20 pages of single-spaced text a week is certainly no easy task, but I try my best to keep the "good" stuff coming to help combat the deluge of negativity that has so long dominated the IWC. A tough task (and often a thankless one), but a worthwhile and enjoyable one just the same – so much thanks to you and to all of my readers who take the time to read and drop a line my way each week.
We're not getting paid for this, ya' know – so it really "pays" to hear that there are readers and fellow fans out there who appreciate the kind of hard work and effort we all put into our columns, news reports and television recaps week in and week out.
So again, my thanks to you – and I'll keep doing my best for as long as I can!
And With That, I'm Outta' Here…
Thank you all for reading this week's column, and be sure to check the site TOMORROW afternoon for "The Great Positivity Debate" – where MeeThinks goes head-to-head with the Hidden Highlights to prove once and for all who's THE most positive column in the IWC today (And you get to vote, too – so check that out!). I'm going two-on-one in there, so I could use everyone's support, if you're feeling so inclined!
Till then, thanks again for reading and have a good one. If you're the hoops type, enjoy the "other" March Madness, and – no matter who you are – enjoy the last leg of the "Road to WrestleMania" and always stay positive!
