That Was Then 4.15.06: Clique Chronicles Episode 3 - The Clique Throws A Party

Posted by Sam Caplan on 04.15.2006

Pat Patterson and Sgt Slaughter get it on in a dark bedroom and an unwelcome visitor crashes the Clique's little beer bash.

And we finish up our little vacation in Fictionland with Episode 3 of the Clique Chronicles, as the Clique throws a party at Sean Waltman's house. As with Episodes 1 and 2, the disclaimers are that some jokes might be dated, some wrestlers might be dead, and other stuff may just no longer apply. But if you can see past that, I think you'll enjoy this. So let's see what happens in...

Clique Chronicles Episode 3: The Clique Throws A Party

(Two men approach the front door of 123 Syxxth Street and ring the doorbell. A moment later, the door is answered by a seven foot tall man)

Kevin Nash-Hey guys, come on in.

(Hardcore and Crash Holly walk into a dimly lit room, filled with various wrestlers and other personalities)

Crash Holly-Oh, my buddy Viscera's over by the snack table. I think I'll go keep him company.

(Crash walks over to the snack table and begins a conversation with Viscera, giving everybody else a chance to get to the snack table. A very inebriated young lady approaches Hardcore)

Terri Runnels-Hey, Hardcore!

(she begins stroking his chest seductively)

Hardcore-Um...Hi, Terri. How are you?

Terri-Well, I've had a bit too much to drink, and I was wondering if you could help me find my way to a bed where I can lay down.

Hardcore-Uh...uh...sure.

(Harcore puts his arm around Terri and guides her into a bedroom. Across the room, Sean Waltman is having a conversation with the Big Show)

Waltman-...so then we decided that we'd throw this party. What do you think?

Big Show-asgduovcnalkntfdlkjdlgjdslkghl.

Waltman-I'm.....glad you like it. By the way, have you seen Hunter?

Big Show-sldfyvpoisudfgnsdlsdufiu.

Waltman-Never mind, I'll find him myself.

(Waltman walks down the hall, glancing in every room he passes. When he gets to the guest bedroom, he hears voices from inside. Thinking it must be Hunter, he goes inside)

Waltman-Hunter?

Pat Patterson-C'mon, Sarge. You know you want to.

Sgt Slaughter-I don't know, Pat. I just don't feel comfortable.....

Patterson-Don't you love me?

(Patterson begins stroking Slaughter's leg)

Slaughter-(trying to push Patterson's hand away) No, Pat! This just isn't romantic!

Waltman-What the hell is going on in here?

(Patterson and Slaughter look up in alarm, noticing Waltman for the first time)

Patterson-We weren't doing anything, I swear! Brisco said something very nasty to Sarge, and he got all upset about it, and I was just trying to make him feel better!

Waltman-I can see that. By the way, have you guys seen Hunter?

Slaughter-Yeah, he went in there a little while ago. (pointing to the guest bathroom)

Waltman-Thanks. Now get out of here.

(Patterson and Slaughter stand up and walk back outside. Waltman approaches the bathroom door, which is closed, and is about to knock, when he hears...)

Chyna-Oh, yeah, Hunter. I love it when you do that!

Helmsley-Oh, Chyna! It's so big!

Chyna-Maybe you should get a towel before we go any-oh, wait! Slow down! (a moment of silence) AHHHHHHHHH!

(Waltman begins to feel nauseous, and decides to go back out to the living room. He is approached by Kevin Nash)

Nash-Hey, Sean. Did you find Hunter?

Waltman-Yeah, sorta. I think now isn't a good time to talk to him.

(Hardcore Holly and Terri Runnels walk down the stairs from the upstairs bedroom. Both are smiling broadly)

Nash-What were you guys doing up there?

Hardcore-I was just showing Terri that wrestling isn't the only thing I do hardcore.

(Dustin Rhodes walks up to them)

Rhodes-Terri, what are you doing?

Terri-How many times do I have to say it, Dustin? It's over! I don't love you anymore! Besides, I found a real man now! (She puts her arms around Hardcore)

Hardcore-Uh.......

Rhodes-Some gratitude for you! I get you a job with the WWF, I didn't talk to my father for years because of you, and now you leave me and go with this guy? (Hardcore begins sweating profusely) That's it, I'm going to kick your ass, Hardcore!

Hardcore-Wait a minute, Dustin! I swear I didn't...

Rhodes-Shut up, you homewrecker!

(Rhodes begins pulling up his sleeves and is about to give Hardcore a facial reconstruction, when everybody's attention is diverted by a drunk man with a lampshade on his head jumping up on a table. He raises a 40 ounce bottle of Isopropyl Rubbing Alcohol over his head)

Scott Hall-Come on baby, let's do the twist!

(Hall begins dancing on the table, with everybody in the room staring at him)

Hall-Wait, maybe I can show you some of my impressions. Okay, tell me who I am. (He grabs a pair of sunglassess off of Jeff Jarrett and puts them on. He begins waving his finger over his head)

Hall-Oooooh, yeah, dig it!

(Kevin Nash begins making his way across the room)

Hall-Give up? That was the Macho Man! What, you didn't like it? Okay, let me try this. (He begins slapping his belly) Mwaaaaaaaaa!

(He is met by silence and blank stares)

Hall-I bet nobody can guess that one. Kamala! Okay, let me try another. (He begins swiveling his hips) This is for all the girls who want to be me, and the men who come to see me!

(Nash finally gets to the table Hall is dancing on)

Nash-C'mon, Scott, you better get down from there.

Hall-Are you boys ready for the GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIND?

Nash-C'mon, Scott. I think you should relax for a while.

Hall-Wait, Kev, just one more, one more.

Val Venis-You're doing a pretty good impression of Jake Roberts!

(The room breaks out laughing)

Hall-And you do a good impression of Rick Rude. Okay, let me try this. This goes out to Hollywood SCUM Hogan. I'm going to kick your SCUM ass! And to you, Scott SCUM Steiner, I'm going to kick your SCUM ass for hitting on my SCUM wife. I'm going to make you SCUM feel the......BANG!

Nash-(pulling Hall off the table) Let's go, Scott. It's the toilet for you.

Hall-(with sudden panic) No, Kev! Not the toilet! NO!

(Nash drags him away. Across the room, Shawn Michaels is sitting on the couch, relating stories from his wrestling career to two blonds)

Michaels-So then after winning the Royal Rumble for the second year in a row, I went on to defeat the, *ahem*, legendary Bret Hart for the WWF Title at Wrestlemania 12. It was this grueling 60 minute match.

Tori-Wow! That's so great!

Michaels-Yeah, but wait until you hear this! After nobody scored a decision after the 60 minute regulation time, Gorilla Monsoon ordered a sudden death overtime, where the first person to score a decision would win. Bret had no idea this was going to happen, and I was able to beat him!

Hulk Hogan-You know, brother, that reminds me of what I did in 1991. I just won the Royal Rumble for the second year in a row, then I went on to one of my toughest matches ever when I beat Sgt Slaughter for the title at Wrestlemania 7.

Michaels-Yeah, but look at what I did. To win the Royal Rumble, I had to eliminate the British Bulldog and Diesel. To win the Royal Rumble, you had to eliminate Brian Knobbs and Earthquake. To win the WWF Title, I had to beat Bret Hart. To win the WWF Title, you had to beat Sgt Slaughter.

Hogan-So what are you trying to say, brother?

Michaels-I had much tougher competition when I was competing for the title than you did when you were.

Hogan-What are you talking about, brother? I had to beat the Iron Sheik for my first title!

Michaels-(in mock awe) Oooooh! How did you ever beat him?

Hogan-Well, of course I used my patented leg drop, brother. The Sheik couldn't stand up to the largest arms in the world!

(a terribly out of shape slob approaches them)

Brutus Beefcake-Hey Hulk, why don't you tell them about the time you beat Yokozuna for the title?

Hogan-Yeah! See, Yokozuna was the world champion, nobody could beat him. So I had a match signed to wrestle him for the title AND I also won the tag team title the same day!

Beefcake-You mean we won it.

Hogan-Sure, whatever.

Michaels-No, you didn't. Yokozuna just beat Bret Hart, and you challenged him out of the blue. And you didn't win the tag team title, either. You lost that match.

Hogan-By disqualification.

Michaels-You still lost.

Hogan-Well....you just don't have the in ring repertoire I have!

Michaels-Are you kidding? I have done moonsaults, flying elbowdrops, out of the ring planchas, and other stuff you couldn't dream of doing!

Hogan-Hah! Where'd you learn stuff like that?

Michaels-My trainer, Jose Lothario.

Hogan-Jose Lothario? (Hogan breaks out laughing) Don't make me laugh!

Michaels-Where'd you learn your moves, from Lex Luger?

(All of a sudden, a crashing comes from the door, which breaks down after the third crash. Through the smoke and flying debris walks Bret Hart, Jim Neidhart, and the British Bulldog)

Nash-Hey, what are you guys doing here?

Bret Hart-We came here to do what we do best-party Harty!

(Neidhart and Bulldog start laughing)

Jim Neidhart-That was a good one, Bret!

Hart-(turning to his followers in annoyance) Shut up, you fools!

(Neidhart and Bulldog go silent)

Hart-Where is he?

Waltman-Who?

Hart-You know who, Kid! I'm looking for the "Heartbreak Punk!"

(Hart scans across the now silent room, and finds Michaels on the couch, still talking to Tori, and completely oblivious to the fact that Bret Hart is about to assault him)

Michaels-Yeah, I acted like I didn't want the match to end that way, and everybody actually bought it! (starts laughing) Boy, you should have seen the look on "Shitman's" face after that! (starts laughing uncontrollably) But it gets better! See, after he left for WCW, we got this midget to....

Hart-MICHAELS!

(Michaels' head snaps up, suddenly aware of Hart's presence)

Michaels-Bret! Hey! I was just....uh..... (puts his arm around Tori) telling Tori here about how badly you got screwed at the Survivor Series in 1997! Isn't that right, Tori?

Tori-Huh?

Michaels-See? She's so upset, she's speechless! By the way, you know I had nothing to do with that, right? (Bret begins cracking his knuckles) I swear, the midget thing was Vince's idea! (Bret begins walking menacingly toward Michaels) Oh, shi....

(A limo pulls up outside, and from out of the limo, Vince McMahon emerges. "No Chance In Hell" begins playing as he makes his way up the walkway. Bret turns around to face Vince)

Vince McMahon-Bret, you've got no chance in hell of ruining this party!

Hart-(in a hateful whisper) You!

McMahon-Now Bret, you talk about how badly you got screwed. But let's face facts. You were leaving for WCW. You were our Champion. Madusa threw the Women's Title belt in the garbage on Nitro. And besides, you really weren't worth the money I was going to pay you.

Hart-But....

McMahon-And what's this crap about refusing to lose the title in Canada? Does that mean that no American wrestlers can lose the title in America, either?

Hart-But Vince, I worked for you longer than anybody else in the WWF! When you stuck me in a tag team with this buffoon (pointing at Neidhart) I stayed with you. When you had us job to the NASTY BOYS, I stayed with you! When you had me job the Intercontinental Title to the MOUNTIE, I stayed with you. After you had me feud with a demented Presidential Candidate, a Ninja- wannabe, a 50 year old from Memphis, a Dentist, and a Pirate all inside of one year, I stayed with you! After you had me drop the title to Mr No-Job here (indicating Michaels) I stayed with you! After you made me an American hating jerk, I stayed with you! And you know why?

Neidhart-Because you were lonely?

Hart-(smacking Neidhart in the head) SHUT UP!

(Neidhart puts his head on Bulldog's shoulder and begins weeping)

Bulldog-(patting Neidhart on the back) It's ok, it's ok.....

Hart-(turning back to McMahon) You screwed me and ruined my career!

McMahon-No, Bret. You screwed yourself. You could have made it easy-just job to Michaels, and go on with your life, and I would have gone on with mine. But no, you had to have your sense of pride. "No, Vince, I won't lose the title in Canada!" You sounded like a moron!

Hart-(seemingly unsure where to go from here)-Uh...uh...AND YOU KILLED MY BROTHER, TOO!

McMahon-No, Bret. That was an accident.

Hart-NO IT WASN'T! YOU CUT HIS ROPE, YOU SON OF A-

(Bret lunges at McMahon, and begins strangling him. A big commotion breaks out, with people shouting at McMahon and Hart, and attacking each other)

Waltman-Man, why did this have to happen?

(All of a sudden, a wailing siren begins drawing closer to the house, and three patrol cars pull up. The Big Boss Man and several other officers jump out of the cars wearing riot gear, and rush into the fray)

Big Boss Man-Okay, THIS PARTY IS OVER! Everybody out, NOW!

Hart-(with McMahon in the Sharpshooter) No way! I'm gonna make McMahon pay for destroying my life!

(Boss Man whips out his nightstick and cracks Hart in the head with it. Hart crumples to the ground, holding his now severely bleeding head)

Boss Man-Okay, Bret! You're UNDER ARREST!

Hart-But....he.....screwed me......

(Boss Man hits Bret in the head so hard he breaks the nightstick)

Boss Man-That's it, Bret! You're coming down to the precinct with me! YOU'RE GONNA SERVE HARD TIME, PUNK!

(Hart jumps up and begins running)

Boss Man-Damn! Let's get him, boys!

(Boss Man and two cops begin chasing Hart. Unfortunately, they seem to have lost him)

Boss Man-O'Hara! You go that way. Jenkins, you go that way. I'll go this way!

(The three split up,and Boss Man starts running in pursuit of Hart. He finds him trying to hide behind a birdbath)

Boss Man-Ah HA! Got you now!

(Bret runs, throwing away a bag with a powdery white substance in it as he does, and climbs over the fence into the next yard. Boss Man takes chase, doing a flip over the fence, and landing on his feet in the next yard. He scans the area for Hart, but can't find him)

Boss Man-Hmmmm, where could he have gone?

(Boss Man notices a noise from behind him. He turns, but only sees a kiddie pool turned upside down. He walks up and kicks the kiddie pool over, and finds Hart hiding underneath)

Boss Man-That's it, Bret! Time to go!

(Hart tries to run, but Boss Man slams him face first against the fence, and cuffs him)

Boss Man-Let's go, PUNK!

(Boss Man drags Bret, kicking and screaming, back to the squad car. He opens the door and throws Hart in)

Hart-You can't do this to me! I was WWF Champion, dammit!

Boss Man-You tell that to your cellmate!

(Tori comes walking out, with her face bruised and crying)

Tori-He was beating me!

Hart-What? But I didn't-

Boss Man-Is that right? (turning to Hart) Looks like you get the Ken Patera suite tonight!

(Shawn Michaels comes walking out and notices Tori's condition)

Michaels-Tori! What happened?

Tori-Bret beat me up!

Michaels-(turning to Hart with unbridled hatred in his eyes) You bastard! I'm going to KILL YOU!

(Michaels tries to attack Bret, but is restrained by Waltman and Nash)

Boss Man-Don't worry, Shawn. We'll take care of him down at the station.

Hart-But I didn't do anything! I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the.....

(Boss Man slams the door shut before Bret can finish. As Bret starts slamming his head against the window of the car, Boss Man jumps in the front seat, and the cops pull away. Tori takes a wet rag, and wipes the fake bruises off her face)

Tori-How was that, Shawn?

Michaels-Couldn't have faked an injury better myself!

McMahon-It's like I always say, I've got the brass to nuke somebody's ass!

(McMahon and Michaels start giggling to each other)

And so ends the third episode of the Clique Chronicles. Maybe I'll post the rest of the episodes at some point down the line, but for right now, tune in next week as we go back to 1991 and check out the beginnings of the fabled Global Wrestling Federation. Until then, live long and prosper.