News From Cook's Corner 04.06.06
Posted by Steve Cook on 04.06.2006
Who needs to talk about WM 22 when I can tell you what will be on WM 23? Oh, and some guy named Orton got suspended...
I wasn't really looking forward to Backlash when I heard it was coming to Lexington. I figured it'd just be your usual WM rematch card where they try to squeeze another buyrate out of the interest created by WrestleMania. I was wrong. This Monday, WWE booked a match that I've been waiting all my life to see.
GOD?
That kicks so much ass. I can not wait for the Lord to come to Lexington and lay the smacketh down on Vinnie Mac and the product of his semen. This is going to rule!
Opening Thoughts
It's a beautiful day here in Louisville. The sun's shining bright…it's just over 60 degrees…the kind of weather that makes you glad to be alive. I've definitely decided that in my next life I'm going to pay more attention to the majesty of Mother Nature and spend more time out in it instead of watching TV all day and sitting in front of a computer when not doing that.
In my next life I also plan on being about fifty pounds lighter, ripped as hell, and smooth with da ladeez. It's going to be fun.
I didn't see WrestleMania. I did see the HOF show, which I talked a little bit about over in the blog. Sherri ruled it, that's for sure.
I saw Impact on replay, but apparently not many other people did. It looks like TNA is running into a little bit of a problem…people are starting to realize that all the good stuff happens on PPV. Their PPV buys are going up, but the TV ratings are staying the same, even dropping by significant numbers some weeks. The shows have actually been better recently, but the impression has already been made to a portion of the audience that nothing that happens on Impact really matters. It's kinda like how WWE has convinced their audience that nothing that happens on Smackdown really matters. It's good for TNA that their PPV buys are going up, but as long as their ratings remain the same or trend downward, Spike will be in no hurry to put them on in a better time slot.
The first Thursday show will feature Daniels vs. Joe, so that should be a step in the right direction, at least as far as quality goes.
Baseball season has started, and the Reds are at 1-1 after a two game set with the Cubs. I'll live with that. My Bengals have improved their atrocious run defense by signing Sam Adams, who is pretty much the size of a defensive line by himself. The Bengals will need better play from their defense to keep things moving the right direction and make it two straight years in the playoffs, and Adams will definitely help them with that. Teams with poor run defenses usually won't fare well against the Steelers, who will be the Bengals' main competition once again.
WWE news
Randy Orton has been suspended for 60 days! This was an interesting story because right after it came out he still wrestled on the Smackdown tapings. Apparently this suspension will start on April 12, which gives them another SD show to explain his upcoming disappearance.
Why was Stephen Randle's favorite wrestler suspended? Rumor has it that Orton has been having issues since January, when Kurt Angle was brought to Smackdown. Since then, Orton has had a few problems that have been kept inside the company, and everything came to a breaking point on WrestleMania weekend. One could surmise that Orton was unhappy about not getting a chance to be the World Champion, which was originally planned for him at WrestleMania, or even earlier than that. Angle being brought over to be champ because WWE had no confidence in anybody on SD to be champ probably got to him a little bit, and Rey Mysterio getting the title because of Eddie Guerrero probably would piss most people off who thought they were more deserving. I'm certainly not saying Orton is more deserving than Mysterio or anybody else to be World Champ, but I wouldn't blame him for thinking that he is.
Regardless, Orton should have been able to keep his emotions in check and do his job like everybody else. It's like the kid who pisses and moans until he gets what he wants…WWE actually did a smart thing here and sent him the message that he's not going to get what he wants by whining and doing things to get attention. It's a shame he couldn't have gotten that message a little earlier in life.
Everybody wants to know exactly what Orton did that is considered "unprofessional conduct". What could it be? From the Second Home Office in Louisville, Kentucky…
Top 10 things Randy Orton might have done to get suspended
10. Learned another resthold besides the chinlock
9. Broke the dress code…by wearing TNA's new Samoa Joe t-shirt
8. Shit in Kurt Angle's gym bag
7. Told Dave Meltzer that he was getting suspended
6. Banged all the Divas, giving CM Punk nothing to stand out for other than being the most overrated wrestler in the history of the Internet
5. Shit in Rey Mysterio's gym bag
4. Refused to put over Triple H & Steph's unborn child
3. Shit in Eddie Guerrero's old gym bag
2. Told Shane McMahon "My dad can beat up your dad!"
1. Nothing…Orton's suspension is just part of God's agreement to work Backlash
I'm sure at least Randle would agree that last one might be true.
It is official…Backlash will feature a main event pitting WWE Champion John Cena against Triple H & Edge in a Triple Threat match. I'm not a big Edge fan, but I like him being added to this match because it adds a little bit more intrigue to it. Usually Backlash just has a rematch of whatever the WrestleMania main event was. It's likely that somebody in WWE realized that was kinda boring and decided to switch things up. Good for them.
Val Venis will be out for 8-10 weeks to undergo shoulder surgery. Apparently he's still around.
Tyson Tomko, however, is not. He has left WWE, and will apparently be wrestling in Japan. I can't wait for the puro marks to blabber on and on about how much Tomko has improved since he came over to Japan, just like Chuck Palumbo, Jamal…er, Umaga, and all the other retreads we send over there every once in awhile.
TNA news
TNA was hoping that Impact would be moved up an hour after "The Ultimate Fighter" season ended, but that isn't going to happen. Spike TV has announced that two comedies, "Raising The Roofs" and "The Dudesons" will air in "The Ultimate Fighter" timeslot after that show ends. "Raising the Roofs" is about a back country family while "The Dudesons" is like "Jackass." I wouldn't get too worried about that though, because the likelihood of either of those shows lasting a full season isn't very good. TNA's bigger concern should be that they will have practically no lead-in after TUF goes off the air.
Boston Legal, another one of my favorite shows, has a similar problem…they have no lead-in and ABC rarely advertises for it. It still does ok though, mostly because of Denny Crane and Alan Shore. Maybe TNA should consider bringing in William Shatner. I know me and Csonka would mark out.
Plans for a Team UK in the World X Cup have been scrapped, as TNA has decided to go with just 4 teams: USA, Canada, Mexico and Japan. I think this is a big mistake on TNA's part, as the proposed Team UK was better than all the other teams they had. Do we really need a Team Mexico, anyway? I thought the big thing in this country now was getting the illegal aliens from south of the border out, not bringing even more of them in.
I kid! I love the Mexicans, especially the ones reading this column…as long as they're in the country legally. If they're not, they need to head on back south until they apply for citizenship just like millions of other people do each year. It's only fair, right?
The NASCAR pre-game show appearance for TNA was pretty disappointing. It lasted about 15 seconds, as they showed Jeff Hammond getting hit with a guitar and Chris Myers asserting that it was all fake. Luckily, Chris Myers has about as much credibility as anybody on the Fox News Channel these days. I probably should have used a better analogy there, because a lot of NASCAR fans probably believe what's on Fox News Channel. Whoops. Also not helping matters was Hermie Sadler not making the race, which really wasn't that big of a surprise. It wasn't all a loss though, since I get to use this picture of Traci with Kyle Petty.
Kyle Petty: Proving the stereotype that NASCAR drivers have no teeth wrong.
Machete is still expected to be used by TNA down the line despite being removed from LAX. I hear TNA needs a new janitor.
Other wrestling news
The Ultimate Warrior gave a speech at DePaul University about diversity. This sounds completely ridiculous on the surface, but it's quite common for colleges to book controversial speakers and claim they're "diversity lectures". My school had Sister Soulljah here once to speak on diversity, and there was much complaining about her racist remarks directed towards anybody that wasn't black. It doesn't make a lick of sense, but DePaul isn't the only place that does it.
ECWA's 10th annual Super 8 Tournament is this weekend. Competitors this year include Charlie Haas, Milano Collection AT, and six other guys I couldn't tell apart in a police lineup.
Who Owned Last Week?
There was some wrestling last week. Wasn't there?
John Cena - The Champ is still here! Oh, and how everybody hates it. Well, not everybody. I think it's tremendous because people actually care whether he wins or loses, which is more than you can say for a lot of people in wrestling right now. That being said, I fully expect H to take the title back in Lexington. Why wouldn't he?
You know who really loves Cena's title reign? Kent…he's gotta be a sociology major or something, because I swear he talks more about the crowd in his recaps than the actual show he's recapping. But this is great shit for him.
Mickie James - You gotta feel bad for Trish Stratus. Some crazy lesbo takes the Women's Title from her, and everybody cheers for said crazy lesbo. Not that this should come as much of a surprise to anybody…wrestling fans love crazy lesbos, and crazy girls in general. Its part of our chemical makeup, we can't help it. This is why crazy Mickie James is the most over woman in wrestling at the moment.
I'm begging these people saying that the WM match was one of the best women's matches ever to watch some Joshi or at least some Shimmer. Come on now.
Rey Mysterio - The match might have been short and unfulfilling, but Mysterio is still your new World Heavyweight Champion. The downside is that the World Title belt is bigger than his entire upper torso.
Shawn Michaels - Stolen from the Wrestlers of the Week, because I can:
HBK had the toughest job out of anybody this week. Edge had Mick Foley, Bryan Danielson had Lance Storm, but Michaels had a tougher assignment than either of them...carrying 60 year old jacked up freak Vince McMahon to a watchable match. The fact that he succeeded makes his week even more impressive than a man winning a championship or a man defying all odds and retaining a championship.
It will get easier for young Michaels though, he has God on his side at Backlash.
Don West - You weren't expecting this one, were you? West's commentary certainly isn't everybody's cup of tea, and I couldn't stand him when he first started out, but he's grown to the point where he can really get a heel over with his disgust towards their actions. Example: last week's Impact where James Mitchell gloated over Abyss's destruction of Christian Cage. West was so disgusted by Abyss and Mitchell that he took his headset off and walked away from the broadcast table, saying he was washing his hands of the whole situation. Little stuff like that makes the heel's disgusting actions even more hateable, and West deserves credit because he does that better than just about anybody out there right now. I guess that's how being a home shopping salesman prepares you to be a wrestling announcer, you'll put anything over.
This Week in Wrestling History
April 7, 1995 – Dan Severn wins the UFC V tournament in Charlotte, NC. Severn had come up short at the last UFC, losing in the finals to the legendary Royce Gracie. He did not have to worry about Gracie this time (Gracie was not in the tournament portion of the show, instead he faced Ken Shamrock in a Superfight that ended in a draw after thirty six minutes), and he also had a slightly unknown wrestler named Al Snow training him for the event.
UFC in the early days was pretty much nothing like it is now. There were pretty much no rules, there were no weight classes, and some fighters were only there because they represented a certain style of fighting, not because they were great at it. These conditions led to most fights being short and violent. Severn won his three fights that night in a total time of nine minutes. Not bad for a day's work.
Severn would eventually be inducted into the UFC Hall of Fame alongside Gracie and Shamrock. His MMA career was certainly more memorable than his wrestling career…despite looking like Tom Selleck and wearing a suit while beating people up, Severn never got over when he was in WWF. He did hold the NWA title for four years, but that was before TNA came along and put the NWA title back on television.
Now, UFC is on the same TV channel that the NWA title is defended on. Unfortunately, Severn seems to have no plan to return to either UFC or pro wrestling on a major level anytime soon.
Hidden Highlights is doing Hogan Knows Best now, so they can kiss their plugs goodbye! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Meehan will be ensured the Positive Spot in the Plug Parade until he pisses me off somehow.
Gamble informed me that Michael Moore does not buy his clothes at WalMart because they're evil. Evil or not, I still think it's a good place for poor college kids like me to shop. So there.
So WrestleMania 22 is in the books. People either thought it was the greatest thing they'd ever seen or it wasn't really all that good. That happens every year, and it's usually the same people on each side. Funny how that happens, isn't it?
Anywho, WrestleMania 23 is less than a year away! It will be held in Ford Field in Detroit, and JT is already trying to get me to go. Unless, of course, he can get Csonka to go…it works the same way for his radio show. Damn bastard. Most people probably have no idea what's going to be on this show…but I do.
That's right, I'm going to go ahead and spill the beans…this is the OFFICIAL WrestleMania 23 card. (subject to change)
Main Event:
Hulk Hogan vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
Yeah, I was the one guy sure that it wasn't going to happen at WM 22, but I'm thinking it will happen at WM 23. Why? Money talks, and I don't think Austin was cracking on Hogan at the HOF induction for no good reason. Though if he was, that would be tremendous.
WWE Title Match:
Triple H (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
We've seen this before, indeed. But, it seems like HBK is on his last run, and with his performances in WrestleManias past, why not give him one last title shot at a WrestleMania? If they can keep these guys apart long enough, a lot of people will have forgotten that they wrestled each other every week in early 2004.
World Title Match:
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Batista
I was tempted to put Randy Orton in the champion slot, but there's no way of telling what the rest of this year will be like for him. He'll either rebound from this suspension and become better than ever, or he'll be like Jeff Hardy and endure a career tailspin the likes of which we've never seen. Angle v. Batista is a fresh PPV match that has two guys people care about, so I figure if it doesn't happen here, it'll happen sometime in 2006.
Undertaker vs. Edge
Battle of the undefeated at WrestleMania. This doesn't require too much explanation.
Carlito vs. John Cena
This could be a championship match. By WrestleMania 23, I predict Carlito will be one of the most over faces in WWE, and John Cena will be one of the most over heels. This one will have the crowd pumped.
Money in the Bank
Yes, Money in the Bank will be back. You want me to guess who'll be in it? Damn, you people are harsh. OK…Shelton Benjamin, Matt Hardy, Chris Benoit, Rey Mysterio, Kerwin White, and Brent Albright under whatever name they give him on Smackdown.
Women's Title Match:
Mickie James (c) vs. 2006 Diva Search winner
*shrugs*
Dalip (Giant Singh) vs. Boogeyman
I just wanted to list this one to scare the shit out of you. Actually, I'd be surprised if either of these goofs made it that far.
JBL vs. Ric Flair
That's right…it's the battle of whose man boobs are more disgusting.
Some sort of Diva thing with pillows, beds, or chocolate syrup
You know that'll be on there.
World Tag Team title match:
Spirit Squad (c) vs. Second City Saints (CM Punk & Colt Cabana)
OK, now I'm really being ridiculous. The Tag Team titles being defended on PPV? Damn, I'm insane.
Harry Smith vs. Randy Orton
Sons of wrestlers collide!
WWE Tag Team title match:
MNM (c) vs. Rob Van Dam & Sabu
Yeah, Sabu was the only other guy from Michigan I could think of for MNM to job to.
There you have it, WrestleMania 23! 13 matches in all, and I doubt more than one or two of them will be accurate. But if they are…you heard it here first!
Besides, who else besides me has the balls to predict a show one year in advance? That's what I thought.
