The Wrestling News Experience: 04.10.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 04.10.2006
It's not what you say, it's what you do.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle, and this right here, this is what I do. It's a new year in wrestling, a new year for WWE, and that means a new year's worth of news reports. Last week was all about WrestleMania, this week we'll start looking ahead. 411 set traffic records last week, so now we've got new records to break, new faces are debuting all over the place, and one more time, I get to say that I told you so.
New year, same me. Let's do this.
Around The Horn
As proof once and for all that God amuses Himself by breaking big important news the day after my report, last Tuesday there was breaking news that Randy "Dorkboy" Orton has been suspended for a minimum of 60 days, a suspension which will begin April 12th. Orton was suspended for quote-unquote "unprofessional conduct", and the rumours floating around are that this has been building for some time. Apparently all these years of WWE pushing Orton as their golden goose despite him showing little ability to carry that load have gone to his head, and he's something of a backstage prima donna. So, for those of you applauding his ability to play a cocky, arrogant jerk on Smackdown, apparently we've discovered the secret to his success: he's a cocky, arrogant jerk. And so, Orton once again goes from the man who is guaranteed the title victory at WrestleMania to jobbing cleanly, not only at the big show, but to Rey Mysterio on Smackdown last week, and Kurt Angle this week, after which he'll be gone from TV for a period no shorter than two months. I'd love to say that this was the greatest news I've ever received in my life, but that would be petty and mean-spirited, and my psychiatrist has been after me to cut back a bit.
Moving on, buried in that announcement was the news that Smackdown is reviving the King of the Ring tournament, which continues the trend of WWE trying to recreate things that worked in the past, but that they got rid of on a whim that's never really been properly explained. Also, it gives them another match for Judgement Day. The brackets have been announced, and they are:
Kurt Angle vs Randy Orton
Matt Hardy vs Booker T
Chris Benoit vs Finlay
Lashley vs Mark Henry
Because when you think of King of the Ring, you think of an overweight black guy who doesn't deserve the push he's getting.
But the obvious winner of the King of the Ring tournament is none other than Bobby Lashley. Why? Well, it's simple, really. Orton's suspended, which means Angle will probably get the title match at Judgement Day. Booker T still has the Boogeyman hanging around, Chris Benoit is beyond King of the Ring, Finlay's too old, and Mark Henry's a fat tub of goo. There you have it, Bobby Lashley is the only possible choice for King of the Ring.
Oh right, Matt Hardy's in the tournament too. I guess I just forgot about him. Like the creative team tends to do.
Next item, TNA Impact moves to Thursday nights this week, throwing the continuation of The Great Impact Experiment into doubt, since by Monday it'll be old news. Readers, cast your votes, should I continue recapping Impact, or is it just another section that you skip through while trying to find the Injury List so you can write me and point out the errors I've made this week? The voters will decide! Well, not really, naturally I will read your e-mail, or at least get someone to give me the gist of it, but in the end I'll decide if I keep doing it. That's right, democracy fails again!
The Backlash main event has been confirmed as Edge vs Triple H vs John Cena for the WWE Title. This was announced on WWE's new wireless service, and then two hours later on WWE.com, so there's no need to watch Raw tonight, because you won't learn anything that you couldn't already have found out beforehand.
It's been announced that Survivor Series 2006 will take place in Philadelphia, because Vince just can't resist putting his major PPV's in front of the largest percentage of smart fans possible. And then doing everything the opposite of what they like. It gives him tingly feelings.
And speaking of WWE's wireless service, they've offered a fan poll (remember what I said about democracy, kids) for next year's Hall of Fame, with the choices of "Macho Man" Randy Savage, Owen Hart, Bruno Sammartino, and Ultimate "Warrior Warrior" Warrior. I'd be breathlessly awaiting Warrior's response to the nomination, but I hear he's too busy to post on his website right now. Yes, he's out on his university tour again, dispensing wisdom and making normal, run-of-the-mill homophobes look open and accepting by comparison.
I've been handed this bulletin from the good people out at Lance Storm's Wrestling Academy in Calgary. On Sun. April 9, Tue. April 11, and Thurs. April. 13, a 2 min. report will air in the Calgary area (Shaw, Channel 70) about Lance Storm and his new wrestling school in Calgary. The report was done by the University of Calgary's NUTV station. So, all my Calgary readers, feel free to check it out.
And before I leave this segment, WWE will release a new CD of entrance themes on May 23rd. Which means that four or five current Superstars will be changing their entrance themes in May. Which means that by June 1st, the forums will be alive with discussion about which new themes suck compared to the old ones. Which means that by June 2nd, we'll already be tired of the arguing and get used to the new music.
The Great Impact Experiment
I'll admit it, I forgot to tape Impact and it was fifteen minutes in when I started watching. I can be big like that. Apparently I missed Christian's first live appearance in the Impact Zone in a few weeks. Darn. Well, at least Sting will be live in the Impact Zone! Again!
You know, when he does it every week, it becomes less of an important event. Although I guess Don West yells about everything anyway.
For the record, Oh Canada blows the Pledge of Allegiance out of the water. I might give an edge to the Star Spangled Banner, but only slightly.
Arm-wrestling! It's like that Stallone movie, only with Konnan! And it ends with interference, because nobody saw that coming. How do you overbook an arm-wrestling contest?
This weird ref irritates me. Make him go away.
As Steiner and AMW interfere and beat down Shark Boy and Smiley. I assume there'll be some wrestling on this wrestling program eventually.
Ah, here we go, X Division qualifier. Both Shelley and Strong have lost in qualifying matches before, but we'll continue to ignore that.
Shelley ended up the most impressive in the match, and nobody really thought Stevens had a chance. Which is why I was expecting him to win, but since he's never been in the X Division before, that would make zero sense.
Sting comes to the ring, and I still can't reconcile the voice with the makeup. Good speech anyway, and we get the standoff to end things.
Really not an outstanding show, although I guess I did miss the best match of the night. But it ended with a run-in too, so take it for what it's worth. Next week, Impact moves to Thursday, which is not a great move, because now you're competing with My Name Is Earl for my TV time.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 04.03.06
WWE
- Ashley, RAW, out two months as of February 20 (broken leg)
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Gregory Helms, SD!, out four to six weeks as of March 15th (nasal surgery)
- Hardcore Holly, SD!, out indefinitely (arm)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- The Boogeyman, SD!, day-to-day as of April 2 (torn biceps)
TNA
- Andy Douglas, TNA, out indefinitely (kayfabe, Steiner-related injury)
- Austin Aries, TNA, out two months as of February (suspension)
- Jeff Hardy, TNA, out indefinitely (informal suspension)
- Monty Brown, TNA, day-to-day as of March 18th (knee surgery)
- Raven, TNA, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Roderick Strong, TNA, out two months as of February (suspension)
Transactions
- Armando Alejandro Estrada, RAW, debuted April 3rd on Raw
I wonder if he's from Cuba? Also, isn't having an obvious ethnic stereotype manager whose client is a monstrous freak on both shows a little bit overkill? Don't know what I mean? Well...
- Dalip Singh, SD!, debuted April 7th on Smackdown
He's really, really tall. And he can rip off a cage door faster than Mark Henry, so he's already ahead of the game.
- Gunner Scott, SD!, debuted April 7th on Smackdown
Also known as Brent Albright, product of OVW, and let me be the first to say, why change his name from one normal blandish one to a different normal blandish one?
- Hotstuff Hernandez, TNA, debuted April 8th on Impact
And the LAX gains another new third member. Will they ever just admit that Konnan can't wrestle?
- Harry Smith, signed to a WWE contract
Yes, the son of the British Bulldog, the third generation of the Hart family of wrestlers, will debut shortly. Yes, you're old.
- Roderick Strong, TNA, returned to action on April 8th
Finally, I'll get a chance to see why people think this guy is so great. Oh, he came from ROH, I see now.
- Tyson Tomko, RAW, released from his contract
Goatboy's legacy will never die. Other than the beard (which has since been surpassed by his former partner Snitsky) and being co-winner of Worst Match of the Year for 2004, has he really accomplished anything worth missing anyway?
- Umaga, RAW, debuted April 3rd on Raw
Better known (I guess) as Jamal from Three Minute Warning. Shame that's going to end up having been the high point of his WWE career. Oh, but I'm sure being Kamala for the new millenium will take him far.
- Val Venis, RAW, out 6-8 weeks as of April 3rd (shoulder surgery)
Well, you know something, after the Big Valbowski gets worked on, he'll come back bigger, stronger, and harder than ever before.
I couldn't resist, it's been too long since the opportunity's come up.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 04.11.05, and I was celebrating Randy Orton falling to the Undertaker at WrestleMania. Maybe my psychiatrist is on to something.
Anyway, Mania 21 was in the books, and a year later, John Cena is still champion, and Batista only vacated the belt due to serious injury, which means we're pretty much officially done with the era of the one-month title range. Excluding Edge, who got screwed over.
Meanwhile, WWE was on a tour of Australia, so I filled space by writing up the last four months of WWE history in easy-to-read paragraphs. Except it wasn't funny or really interesting, so I stopped doing it. Ahem.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Small has the Sunday news, and if he's not careful, I'll just fire both him and Slimmer. I don't need the headaches.
Boman deals with Saturday news, and demands the return of Melchor.
Ask and ye shall receive, my good chum. That's right, it's the triumphant semi-return of the Rock to my Cena, Double M with a new edition of Double Impact.
Over in TV recaps, there's Small with Heat, The Truth with Impact, and Dunn and Marsico with Smackdown.
JP and JT continue to argue an awful lot for a positive column in Hidden Highlights, and I side with JP since he watches Veronica Mars. Smallville sucks!
Andy Clark says good things about Mania and John Cena. So it isn't just me.
Ari has Column of Honor including bonus thoughts on WWE.
And Sullivan keeps an eye on OVW in WWE at Mania and beyond.
The Gab Bag
Bill Gates, like many, is amused by the concept of Vince McMahon putting God in a wrestling match, and the many jokes that ensue. I'd relate some, but there's threatening thunderclouds developing around me on a daily basis already.
BT is quite all right with keeping the title on Cena, but wonders if Triple H was hurt since he didn't participate in the match on Raw. Plus, and I have to agree, Edge is in a little trouble since both Cena and Trip pretty much ignored his offence during the match. I suppose you could argue that he was weaker due to his Hardcore match injuries. I mean, really, the guy went through a flaming table.
And yes, O'Haire remains a missed opportunity, no matter what they do now. Although actually hiring him would be a good start. Get on it.
Speaking of which, Ryan Woolley joins in the O'Haire love, and why not? He was so damned cool. He made me want to wear a suit and go around telling people to do things they wouldn't normally do. Which is like what I normally do, but in a suit.
Chris Pineo theorizes that during the X Division four-way match, a person might tag out in order to take a break and rest. I can see that in theory, but it also means you're not legal to make a pin in a match where first pin wins, which is really my problem.
Cyrus Krapf-Altomare applauds my statement about the reactions to Cena being a good thing, because at least people are reacting. I think the time has finally come where we can all agree that I am always right. I knew this day would come, but it's still emotional.
Jose and Jeannie Torres (well, one of them anyway) offered some fantasy booking post-WrestleMania, involving the roster draft. I dislike having the champions switch brands again this year, because even though we know the draft is fixed, even having that happen last year kind of blatantly exposed it in a bad way, and doing it in consecutive years stretches the bounds of "reality" way too far. And while Flair didn't win the title shot, I'd bet he's got another shot coming sometime this year anyway, so never fear.
We're back into the e-mail I missed last week, so Rick Funcannon knows by now that his picks were pretty close, outside of the title matches, which a lot of people screwed up anyway, so he shouldn't feel bad. Hell, even I picked Dorkboy.
Kevin Stitt wondered when Dan Puder tried to injure Kurt Angle, and that would be during the $1,000,000 Tough Enough, when Angle challenged any of the contestants to a wrestling match. Puder went in as if it were a real shoot-fight and applied a keylock, which is a legitimate MMA finishing move, and the ref quickly counted a pin when Angle rolled Puder onto his back to break it up. Puder's problem, as I see it, is that he's a dick who's just trying to get whatever publicity he can. I'm shocked, really.
Manu Bomb had many things to say, I'm just going to touch on a couple. First, as deserved as mocking the arm-wrestling match was, I throttled back when they said it would be on Impact instead. Now, the match is back on Lockdown, so let the mockery of this inanity continue!
Secondly, Petey Williams was the member of Team Canada who I refer to when I mean "the one who wins occasionally", as he has actually won TNA matches before, while I'm unsure if Young or Roode have any time in even far-reaching memory.
And Elijah Whitehouse wrote in about Batista's ethnicity, even though I said the issue is dead to me. One last time, Batista is half Filipino, half Greek. And all cool.
And One To Go On
Hey, remember when I started here and I was all down on Randy Orton? How much he sucked and should be hated? You people should trust my judgement more. Especially you females.
411 will have live Raw coverage tonight starting at 9 pm EDT. Larry is in tomorrow, I'll be back next week.
