That Was Then 5.6.06: A Smattering Of Funny
Posted by Stuart Carapola on 05.06.2006
Due to popular demand, the Clique Chronicles makes its return this week in episodes 4 and 5, with a special bonus: A Day In The Life Of Kane!
Much to my surprise, I got some pretty good feedback for episodes 1-3 of the Clique Chronicles. I guess everybody likes a nostalgia kick with some derogatory humor thrown in every now and then, huh? Well, to give you a break before the next big multi-part feature (that will carry through several weeks), I figured I'd throw you a little more of my old fiction.
Actually, this is more a sort of look at the stuff that's never going to be on this site in complete form because...well, they're absolutely stupid. They're horrible stories that don't warrant their own column, but I think what I'll do here is basically recap the stories and then give you some of the most amusing dialogue.
Clique Chronicles Episode 4: The Clique Goes Crime Fighting
In episode 4, the story opens with the Clique walking down the street enjoying some ice cream, when a ringing alarm draws their attention to a convenience store, operated by Tiger Ali Singh, that had just been robbed. Singh offers them a free truckful of beer if they can find the people who robbed the store and bring them to justice. Hall, on behalf of the team, accepts the mission. Their only clue is a matchbook that one of the evildoers dropped on their way out, and the matchbook has the name and address for a place called Joey's Comedy Club on it, and the inscription "ask for the Iceman."
So they head down to Joey's in a cab that Repo Man had repossessed and was running to pick up a little cash on the side and, after sitting through some crappy stand-up comedy acts by Bob Backlund, the Undertaker, and Ken Shamrock, Hall goes and asks the bartender (played here by the Godfather) to set up a meeting with the Iceman. The Godfather complies, and leads the Clique to the Iceman, who turns out to be none other than Dean Malenko. In exchange for a cut of the truckful of beer (which Malenko will use to get sluts drunk), Malenko tells them where they can find the villain.
They head over to the address Malenko gives them (in a Repo Man-less cab), and are shocked to find that the evil mastermind behind the heist was Bret Hart, who is still pissed about what happened to him at the party in episode 3, and devised this little plan to draw the Clique into a position where he would be able to extract his revenge. Unfortunately for Bret, he doesn't get the chance to get his revenge because the Big Boss Man makes another appearance to beat the crap out of Bret and arrest him again.
As Bret is hauled away by the long arm of the law, a grateful Tiger Ali Singh appears and gives them their reward...a truckful of non-alcoholic beer. It turns out that, after sending the Clique off on their mission, all his real beer got cleaned out and that was all he had left. Despite Hall's dismay over this unfortunate twist of fate, they were able to fulfill their own bargain with Malenko by passing the entire take off on him.
Pretty bad, huh? That doesn't mean there weren't some great mean-spirited jokes hidden in there. Here's the best stuff from episode 4:
(Hall again pretending he's really Cuban)
Hunter Hearst Helmsley-But you're not hispanic, dude.
Hall-Yes I am!
Helmsley-No you're not, you're from Minnesota.
Hall-Hey Hunter, you want me to take that chocolate cone and stick it in your hershey highway?
Nash-Don't bother, Chyna would find it.
Helmsley-Hey!
(while trying to find out what happened in Singh's store) Michaels-What happened, Tiger?
Singh-I don't know! First I got pushed to the Kuwaiti Championship, then got a short run with an Indian version of Ted DiBiase's old gimmick. Next thing I knew, I was working the developmental territories!
(while on their way to Joey's) Waltman-Joey's Comedy Club, and step on it!
(the driver turns around)
Repo Man-Okay, buddy. Here we go!
Waltman-Repo Man! I haven't heard from you in years! What's going on?
Repo-Could you believe that this taxi company was two days late on their payments on this cab? I had to take back what didn't belong to them!
Nash-So why are you giving rides, then?
Repo-Well, I figured that while I had it, I might as well make some money on the side.
(at Joey's, the Undertaker tries his hand at stand up comedy) Undertaker-So did you hear that I'm starting a basketball team? It's for guys six feet and under!
(silence)
Undertaker-What's the matter, somebody kill this microphone? Oh wait, I guess it was me. But seriously, folks...
(didn't like that? Let's see what Bob Backlund has to say) Bob Backlund-So I said, "If you are succimbing to an inability to comprehend this aspect of my verbosity, I suggest you endeavor to scrutinize your lexicon!"
(still no dice? Maybe Ken Shamrock has some better material) (The crowd applauds as Shamrock makes his way out on stage, in his ring attire)
Shamrock-I'M IN THE ZONE!!!
(wild applause)
Shamrock-So why did the chicken cross the road? Give up? HE WAS IN THE ZONE!!!
(crowd explodes in laughter)
Shamrock-So this guy walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "What'll you have?" And the guy says, "Nothing, I'm IN THE ZONE!!!"
Waltman-These guys suck.
(Well put, Sean. Let's see how Scott's doing over at the bar) Helmsley-Scott?
Hall-(totally blitzed) So then IRS stole my gold chains, and I said, "Hey man, give those back!" And he said, "No way, you're a tax cheat!" So then I...
Helmsley-Scott, what are you doing?
Hall-(blearily) Oh, just telling my buddy here a story.
(he points to an empty stool)
Godfather-Man, your friend is one crazy brotha.
(but despite Scott Hall being one crazy brotha, Godfather sends them in to talk to Dean Malenko. Let's hear their negotiation process) Nash-You know these guys?
Malenko-Depends. What can you offer me in return for this information?
Helmsley-Do you like men?
(Malenko looks at him incredulously)
Waltman-Hunter, don't offer him Chyna.
Helmsley-(sheepishly) Just a thought.
(sensing a pattern here? The WWF's biggest diva of the Attitude Era isn't exactly held in high regard in these stories) Helmsley-This place is scary.
Nash-What do you, wish Chyna was here to protect you?
(Helmsley starts sulking)
(but finally they arrive at the villain's hideout, and as he reveals his identity...) Michaels-You!
Bret Hart-After that incident at your little party, I spent years in my cell, thinking, plotting out what I would do to you when I got out, counting the days!
Waltman-The party was last week.
Hart-Shut up!
Davey Boy Smith-You tell him, Bret!
Jim Neidhart-Yeah!
Hart-(turning to his goons) Shut up, you fools!
(Smith and Neidhart go silent)
Hart-(turning back to the Clique) Anyway, I devised this little plan to draw you out of hiding. Out into the open, if you will, so I could have my revenge!
Waltman-It's not like we were hiding in the sewers or anything.
Michaels-Yeah, we were walking down the street eating ice cream, for crissake.
Hart-Shut up! Jim, Davey, get them!
Yes folks, this is the "A" material.
Clique Chronicles Episode 5: The Clique Goes To The Mall
We move on to episode 5, in which the Clique makes a trip to the local mall so Hunter can pick up a self help book to save his relationship with Chyna. So while Hunter is off book shopping, Michaels and Hall head over to the t-shirt store and find various snappy t-shirts for fellow wrestlers while Nash and Waltman scan the shelves at the game store next door. They reconvene in the common area and, after narrowly avoiding seeing Sherri Martel in her underwear, Hall walks into what he thinks is a bar, but actually turns out to be a coffeeshop, where he is accosted by a bongo playing Perry Saturn. Following this little misadventure, Hall and Nash head into Sam Goody so Hall can find some of his "native" Latin music, but instead is embarrassed by the significantly more Latin Eddy Guerrero. After another poorly written scene in a comic shop, they head over to the bookstore to find Hunter, and of course mock him incessantly because of his choice of literature.
This really is among the stupidest things I've ever written...
(as the Clique enters the mall) Waltman-What are we doing here again?
Helmsley-I wanted to go to the bookstore. I need a book on relationships. For some reason, things just don't feel right between Chyna and I.
Nash-Yeah, if my girlfriend had a schlong, I'd probably feel the same way.
(as Nash and Waltman peruse the selection in the video game store) Waltman-Hey, you ever play this game?
(he picks up a copy of Fighting Force)
Nash-No, what's it about?
Waltman-You play a heavily muscled vigilante who snaps one day and walks the streets beating up everybody in sight.
Nash-So it's a game about Scott Steiner?
(still in the video game store, Nash and Waltman check out Parappa the Rapper) Parappa-Kick, punch, it's all in the mind. If you wanna test me, I'm sure you'll find-the skills I'll teach ya are sure to beat-cha, nevertheless you'll get a lesson from teacha now...
Nash-Well, it's better than anything Konnan's ever written.
(as they're about to go into Victoria's Secret) Hall-Hey, let's check this Victoria's Secret out.
Michaels-What a great store. Only store I know of where the clerks get paid to show you their underwear.
(They start walking towards the store, when all of a sudden Sherri Martel walks in, freezing them all in their tracks. They all start shivering. Nash gets dry heaves. Waltman starts clutching his eyes)
Waltman-I'm blind! I'm blind! I can't see anything!
Michaels-But why are you blind now? Most people don't go blind until she's already in her underwear.
Nash-You would know.
(to make up for this horrifying incident, Scott Hall goes to Starbucks looking for a beer) Clerk-This isn't a bar, it's a coffeeshop.
Hall-(in sudden panic) Not a bar? NOT A BAR!?!?!?!
(Hall begins to sweat profusely, when all of a sudden, a calming hand is placed upon his shoulder)
Perry Saturn-(wearing a beret, sunglasses and holding a latte) Hey, man. Be coooool. Don't let the bad vibes bring you down.
(he plays a short beat on his bongos)
Hall-Hey, Perry. What are you doing here?
Saturn-(making bizarre motions with his hands) Soaking in the wellness, man. Can you feel the good vibes here?
(he plays another short beat)
Hall-Um...
Saturn-What's the matter, man? Bad karma getting you down?
Hall-Actually, the lack of a good alcoholic beverage is more like it.
Saturn-Ah, looking for liquid nirvana? (more bongo playing) I may have the answer you seek.
Hall-You have a drink?
Saturn-Here, try some of this. (he produces a flask from inside his vest) This stuff will have you floating on cloud nine, man.
Hall-(Snatching the flask) Gimme that!
(he swallows the entire contents of the flask. He begins floating in midair)
Saturn-(removing his sunglasses to reveal eyes wide with astonishment) Wow! I only meant that figuratively!
Hall-Hey, Perry, I think I'd better go out for some fresh air. Thanks for the drink.
Saturn-Yeah, man, be cool. And remember, be good to your fellow man.
(later on, Hall tries to find some good Latin tunes at Sam Goody) Hall-(to a music store employee) Hey, chico. Which way's the latino section?
Eddy Guerrero-Over there, man. And don't call me chico.
(Guerrero studies Hall for a moment)
Guerrero-And why are you looking for the latino section, man? You're not a latino!
(Nash snickers)
Hall-I am too!
Guerrero-Oh yeah? Where are you from?
Hall-I'm a Cuban refugee, amigo.
Guerrero-Yeah, right!
Hall-I am!
Guerrero Then what's the capital of Cuba?
Hall-Uh...uhhh...San Juan?
Guerrero-What was that? It sounded like San Juan.
Hall-Yeah, that's what I said, man.
Guerrero-That's the capital of Puerto Rico.
Hall-Uh...well, they didn't tell us anything in Cuba. You know those Communists.
Guerrero-Okay, then here's an easy one. Who's the dictator of Cuba?
Hall-Uh...
Guerrero-Where is Cuba? How do you SPELL Cuba?
Hall-Uh...K...Y...
Guerrero-Get out of here! Why don't you go over to the Easy Listening section where you belong?
(Guerrero walks away, leaving Hall alone with a grinning Kevin Nash)
Hall-(flustered) Screw you, man! Screw you! And you- (pointing at Nash) What the hell are you laughing at?
(and of course, a little self-depracating humor is always welcome) Waltman-Hey, look at this. (handing Michaels a comic) "The Clique Chronicles."
Michaels-(flipping through the comic) Ha ha! What a bunch of losers!
Waltman-Yeah, I bet the guy who wrote this is some loser who hasn't gotten laid in years!
Michaels-Yeah, what a dork. C'mon, let's go.
(finally, they get sick of wandering aimlessly and decide to go to the bookstore to look for Hunter. That's not all they find, though) Waltman-Hey, look! It's Terry Funk's new book.
Michaels-I didn't know he wrote a book. What's it called?
Waltman-It's called "I'm A Pirate and I Can See Through Walls." (he shrugs and puts the book back) I guess he's getting a little senile.
(at last, they find Hunter and check out what he ended up buying) Michaels-Now let's see...(examining the book) "Relationships With 200 LB Leather, Bazooka Toting Shemales With Breast Implants And The Impotence It Causes."
(they all stare at Helmsley)
Helmsley-Uh...uh...(breaking into tears) I hate you guys!
(he runs away with his hands over his face)
I'm sure you're beginning to realize why this stuff's only getting published in highlight form. And as if this stuff wasn't bad enough, how would you feel about...
A Day In The Life Of Kane
Written at about the same time as the Clique Chronicles, this chronicled what I imagined Kane's daily routine to be like. This, of course, came before the shaved head and no mask. We're talking masked Kane in all his glory, with hair and everything. This dates back to the period when he had to talk with the voice box because he had emphysema or something. Don't ask me about that, I didn't create the character, I just lampooned it.
So anyway, we follow Kane through a leisurely day in a nice, middle class town in Suburbia, USA. We follow Kane to the laundromat, taking his dog on a walk, grocery shopping, and finally sitting down to an evening of watching TV.
Come on folks, it doesn't get any better than this!
(in a joke stolen directly from Leslie Nielson at Summerslam 94) On the way back home, Sparky begins moving toward a fire hydrant, and starts sniffing at it. He looks at Kane expectantly.
"WELL, OKAY BOY, JUST MAKE IT QUICK." They walk over toward the fire hydrant. As Sparky relieves himself, a police cruiser pulls up. Two cops jump out, and approach Kane.
"Excuse me sir," says the first, "but that is defacing public property. I'm afraid I'm going to have to issue you a summons."
"Hey, wait!" says the second, "I know you...you're...."
"I know who you are!" says the first. "You're Chewbacca, aren't you?"
"No," says the second, "that's not Chewbacca, you idiot. It's the Predator!"
"Oh..." says the first cop thoughtfully. "But you play Chewbacca! Never mind, sir! You have a pleasant day!"
(Kane attempts to pick a chick up at the supermarket) So what's your name, sexy?"
"KANE."
"Oh....that's a....nice name. So what do you do for a living?"
"I'M A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER. I HID IN THE BASEMENT FOR TWENTY YEARS AFTER SUFFERING HORRIBLE BURNS IN A FIRE CAUSED BY MY HALF BROTHER, THEN CAME TO THE WWF TO TORMENT HIM FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. EVERYTHING WAS GOING FINE UNTIL MY FORMER FRIEND X-PAC TOLD THE WORLD THAT I'M IMPOTENT BECAUSE OF BURNS CAUSED IN THE FIRE. SO WHAT'S YOUR NAME, BABY?"
(another stolen joke, this time a combination of Simpsons and Leisure Suit Larry) Fifteen minutes later, Kane pulls back into his driveway, and carries his groceries inside, and puts everything in the fridge. He grabs a beer, and plops down on the couch.
"TIME TO WATCH TV." He flips around until he finds what he's looking for. "ALL RIGHT! MARRIED WITH CHILDREN." On the screen, a trashy redhead is sitting next to a middle aged man on the couch.
"Aaaaaal!" screeches the redhead. "Let's have sex!"
"No, Peg." replies the man. The laugh track runs for about 45 seconds, following which the man reaches over to a toilet situated next to the couch and flushes it. The laugh track runs for another minute and a half.
"THIS EPISODE SUCKS, LET ME FIND SOMETHING ELSE." He flips the channels again, and comes to a cartoon, where four heavily armed reptiles are having a standoff with a punk warthog, a rhinoceros in army fatigues, and a masked man covered in blades presumably used for grating cheese.
"I'll get you next time, you wretched reptiles!" shouts the man, and he and his companions hop into an overgrown drill, which goes underground.
"NEXT!" Kane flips channels again, until he comes to a screen with three men sitting behind a desk.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the greatest night in the history of our sport!" says the bloated man in the middle.
"NO, NO! ANYTHING BUT THAT!"
Okay, I think you guys have had enough of this. I promise that if I write any more of these stupid stories, they'll be a lot better than this. And please, don't email me asking to see these stories printed in full, because they never will be. I did write a Clique Chronicles Episode 6, where their car breaks down in the South Bronx and they have to make their way, with the help of Savio Vega, Bad News Brown, and Booker T, to Madison Square Garden for a house show. You know, back when they ran those there. Only problem is I have no idea where it is. But if I find it, I'll print it next week, otherwise stay tuned for more great stuff as usual, leading up to our big Memorial Day Extravaganza.
