Truth B Told 4.14.06: The “Juice” is Loose
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 04.14.2006
Now that all the WWE “Superstars” and Baseball Players have kicked the ‘roids, it just means more for us regular folks at rock bottom prices, everybody wins!!
Major League Baseball has just began testing for steroids recently in an attempt to make sure that the playing field is truly even. Following in their steps have been the WWE. This may be due to constant criticism by the public and media that steroid use is the blame for several deathes of ex-wrestlers in recent years, most notably after Eddie Guerrero passed away. Vince McMahon's name will forever be linked with steroids even years after that fateful trial. TBT is going to be one of the first to make the controversial statement, "Who cares??" Yep, TBT is starting to question the legitimacy AND the necessity for Steroid testing. For one thing, no one really knows what those "illegal substances" are. Further more, wrestling is scripted, there is no way that steroids could provide an advantage for any athelete over another…or is there? you know, come to think of it, maybe this whole "Wellness Program" will have some decidedly unintended results after all.
Now let me start off by saying that anything to keeps our beloved wrestlers clean and healthy is always a good thing. Making sure that Batista, Benoit, Regal, and Carlito can one day play with their grand children is important, even more so than Wrestlemania wins or losses…just ask Booker T. However, a lot of people criticize the legitimacy of the testing since no one truly knows what the policy is, as well as who may or may not be ‘exempt' from such tests. One would assume that Triple H would probably receive a free pass, but judging from his physique the last few months, that may not be the case. Am I the only one who thinks HHH is starting to look more like Greg "The SledgeHammer" Valentine more and more these days? Its hard to tell who may or may not be subject to testing, even Vince himself is in question as we've all seen him in all his orange-y oiled up glory for the past few weeks.
I think a few of us have noticed that the "Masterpiece" has been looking a little less defined as of late. Sure it could be his traveling schedule of lack of access to really healthy foods on the road that has kept him away from the gyms and inside White Castle, but perhaps its something more. Angle has also deteriorated as of late, even though he actually has looked quicker and healthier than in the past. Tomko looked like shit before he asked for his release. Mid-card guys like Cade, Striker, and Snitsky also seem to have lost a bit of their bulk and/or tone. Then there are guys like Cena, Lashley, Benoit, and Booker T who hasn't seemed to have lost their physique at all. For the first time in a long time we got to see the "Con Man" sans the black mesh panties…I mean tights. Did anyone notice that he wasn't as sculpted as he was last time we saw him? I haven't seen Sylvan or Dupree in a while either so I wonder how that is going to turn out.
Well I have this theory about the unintended effects of the "wellness program". The theory is that due a lot of the wrestlers going off the "juice" a lot of them will appear smaller. This will do one of two things, it will either make Vince have to find wrestlers who are naturally bigger and with nothing in their systems. OR it will cause the Vince to get over his boner for big men and start focusing on the actual wrestling. I'm hoping that the latter is the case. But only time will tell as it is obvious that for now Vince is trying to hire back all of the hosses he's released the past few years. I'm not sure what more Jindrak, Palumbo, or …Henry O. Godwin can bring to the WWE, but Test and Sean O'Haire have long been fan favorites or rather, cult favorites. Sure Vince might just be trying to shore up the tag division, but more likely than not he's trying to bring some size back into the "e" knowing that a lot of his guys are going to shrink in the face of the new Wellness Program.
When you really think about it, size really does matter in the case of a lot of wrestlers. Sure when we see "monsters" like Batista, Lashley, Lesner, or Giant Singh (or is he Giant Khali??) you can't help but be impressed. Even Masters had an aura about him when he first debuted…too bad that aura died the same moment that he broke Stevie Richard's face with a poorly timed polish hammer. There is no denying that a guy with an impressive physique is more likely to get a push in the WWE as well as become a more legitimate main eventer in the eyes of the fans. When you look at Edge compared to Cena you can't help but notice that the guy looks like a tall cruiserweight. It seems like Edge gets hurt, comes back looking a little more ‘jacked' and then over the course of a couple of months looks like Jack Skellington again. Edge actually makes Randy Orton look HUGE by comparison. Christian had the same knock on him in the "e". Even Carlito has begun to lose some of his spare tire recently and has started to look more like a contender. JBL was probably the most out of shape Champ in years, but then again, it wasn't his physique as much as his mic skills and his ability garner heel heat. Big guys just sell in the WWE.
Then again… the "smarts" and "smarks" are starting to outnumber the "marks" these days. Look at some of the most popular guys on each brand according to the IWC: Mr. Kennedy, Benoit, Angle, Rey, Fit Finlay, Flair, RVD, Carlito. Not exactly "Big Bad Booty Daddy" status but still all very popular guys. In-ring and charisma can often times do more for a guy than a needle or pill could. Even in the "Attitude Era" you had Undertaker, Foley, The Rock, and Stone Cold. With the exception of Foley these guys were in good, not INCREDIBLE, shape that could have easily been the result of hard work, I don't think anyone accused any of those guys of ‘juicing'. Maybe that's what we'll get back to now. Enough of the hosses and muscle bound freaks who come up too quickly and work too dangerously. Its time the "e" starts working on what a guy looks like IN the ring, and not during his entrance. Unless you're a cruiserweight…then you're still fucked.
The Truth
The "Wellness Program" is nothing but good news in my book. Ensuring that guys can live a longer and healthier life after their careers are over in the ring is the most important factor. I also think this may send the message that while its important to keep in good shape, guys are going to have to learn to do it naturally and the guys who aren't as naturally big won't be facing such a daunting task to keep up to the guys who have been getting a little "help". What I really see here are two ways this could go. Either Vince starts hiring and firing guys based on their physique and letting them go just for them to spend 6 months on the Indy circuit and juicing up again before rehiring them, OR he could take this opportunity to start looking at the ability and not just the appearance of his workers. But, we all know Vince, and we know that will never happen. Oh but one can dream can't they? The only real downside to all this is how accountable is the WWE and what is the true policy. No one really knows, no one is going to know how serious this all is and whether this truly is a policy that EVERYONE has to follow until someone gets caught and released or suspended because of the test results. So that leaves us with ample time to sit here, speculate…and watch guys like Snitsky slowly turn into Trevor Murdoch…but I'll be damned if his back won't be silky smooth.
Coming Up Short
Let me explain something to the WWE. When one uses a submission move as his main finisher, that person usually falls under the category of "Badass". Every brand has one. Samoa Joe in TNA, Brent Albright/CM Punk in OVW, American Dragon in RoH, Benoit and Regal on Smackdown, even Ric Flair on RAW. Lets not even mention the "Masterlock" or the Umaga "thumb of doom". I refuse to accept Cena as a hardcore submission specialist now. I don't even think the crowd is buying it. I mean, does he even know what part of the body that is supposed to work? The Neck…the NECK. Sure it works the back and leg, but it's the NECK that it mainly works when he applies a cross face. The FU works the back, some might argue the victim is also hitting his head on the move. But seriously, how often does he work the neck during a match? Is the 5-Knuckle Shuffle a miracle fist drop that penetrates through the forehead to the neck? Is it that swank "proto-back drop"??
The only other explanation I can figure is if it actually is meant to work the ears. Like Cena is squeezing the guys ears between his forearms so hard they have to tap. Yeah, the first ever submission hold centered around the ear lobe. Well, except for when I apply the ol' "ear nibble of doom", yes, when properly applied you know that some manner of tapping is guaran-damn teed. But I digress. The STFU is perhaps the weakest submission since Andy Clark's last entry in "Rant Wars 2" last year. *ZING* Yeeeesh. Look. You want me to buy the STFU as a legitimate move? Learn some friggin' psychology and incorporate it into the match, until then don't try to sell me on Cena as the submission artist. Cuz' without the psychology and a move convincing application of the move, Cena, the STFU, and any legitimate submission specialist is just coming up short.
6 Degrees of…
You know what? I still don't get it… the fascination with this man. I understand he's hardcore and he's willing to take any bump, any manner of violent implement of destruction, and basically works for peanuts while mangling his own body. But… wait, never mind I guess that's it then. Necro Butcher is an Indy legend because he will endure, and dish out, more pain than any man should have to. I know I wouldn't allow myself to have my tongue stapled to a turnbuckle, then again, I also won't watch Lindsay Lohan films, so really what is more extreme? Well in honor of him debuting in PWG last weekend I figured I'd give the Necro Butcher his just due. You know what the easy link to the Butchermeister would be? Abdullah. Or perhaps Rosie O'Donnell, since who's butch-er than her? Well no, no, no my friends, it won't be that easy. Your task this week is to link Necro Butcher in EXACTLY 6 degrees (i.e. people) to this right here…..
That's right…The Muthafunkin' NECRONOMICON!! If you have no clue what this is, then you have not bared witness to at least 1 the trilogy of cheesy horror films that rocked all face-dom in the 80's. Well…what are you waiting for? Oh, that's right…finish the column, then get to work.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
TBT got a letter from the "Dark Knight"… wait a sec, why does that sound like a gimmick they'd give Elijah Burke when he debuts this year from OVW? God help us all if they send in a Black Knight to battle the English Pirate… now if they only brought back the "Juniors" they could have a remake of "Time Bandit". Wait, what were we talking about now?
How about bring back the crazy Victoria and have her stalk Mickie. Or have Victoria fight Mickie over Trish. 3 way lesbian triangle would equal ratings. Hell have Howard Stern guest ref it. WW23 Main event.
Thank you,
The Bartman
Well to be fair this came in before Trish decided to stalk Mickie on Monday but this is an interesting idea. A never ending cycle of stalking. Leading to a "G-TV" gimmick that ultimately leads to nothing and is cancelled within a month. Only THIS time the "G" stands for G-spot. I think 1 lesbian is enough on RAW besides, who would buy a PPV that was headlined by "RAW Lesbian 3-Way"?? Especially when I haven't gotten my copy of that back from Byers yet. Hurry up and review the damn DVD already Byers!!
Well Good on ya, we got a little e-mail from the other land down under…where women glow and men chunder…can you hear, can you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover.
Hey buddy from Brisbane Australia. My name's Brian.
I have a little problem with everyone's dissing of the way things are working out for Cena. I agree that his in-ring work is not the best, and his finisher is lame (not that you need a high impact finisher to be successful - Peoples Elbow, Clothesline from Hell and Hogan's leg drop were hardly devastating), but I think that is something they could work on with a change in this 'ground and pound' attitude. All of which you mentioned in your column. So here's my problem. Why does every wrestler have to be so cut and dried in relation to their heel/face position? I think it is a good thing that they have a competitor who is kind of half and half. I actually kind of find it refreshing to have someone who is booed and cheered. It gets away from the main. I think Cena needs a heel turn and maybe a total change of persona to get him back on track, maybe he could adopt the American Badass persona, seeing as how Taker isn't using it anymore - lol, but I think they could let this 1/2 & 1/2 thing run it's course. It kind of makes it like a real sporting event. Some fans follow one team and some support the other.
Would like to hear your thoughts.
Cheers from down under
Brian
So I already shot off this long diatribe about what I think Cena needs to do and what he needs to accomplish to get back into the crowd's good graces back to Brian so I'll spare you all the re-hash. I think right now Cena is in a unique position because there hasn't been a case in recent memory where a face has gotten such a huge amount of Heel heat and face pops at the same time. I think back in the "Attitude Era" it was common for the Heels to be cheered as faces, even back when The Rock was "Rocky Maivia the Blue Chipper" he was getting almost exclusive heel heat and no face pop. The WWE would be wise to take this opportunity to use this to their advantage and start building either Edge or Triple H as a face now based solely on Cena being such a heat magnet. You could see how HHH was becoming more of a heal as RAW went on. If Cena goes heel its easy to turn him after he loses the belt because he can just blame the fans, then go back to the cocky heel he was before and there you go. I think the "e" will probably milk this until "The Marine" comes out though because in order for it to do well the star has to be a face. Traditionally it makes more sense since the markish fans are more willing to see a face champ than a heel contender on the big screen. In Kane's case it doesn't matter as much because he plays a psycho killer and not a marine hero. At this point John Cena's whole schtick is tired and at some point they need to let him get his edge back. He's about as Edgy right now as a pair of kindergarten scissors.
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
Honorable Mention:
Surprisingly this spot had more actual contenders than the Top 3. What made it stand out? You be the judge:
At Wrestlemania XXII, Mickie James lived out the American dream by copping a
feel of Trish Stratus' vagina!
Trish Stratus' vagina was the objective of a bet that Chris Jericho made
with Christian. (One dollar Canadian. Awesome!)
Chris Jericho has appeared on such pop culture countdowns as I Love the 90's
along with humorist Mo Rocca.
Mo Rocca was a panelist on this week's episode of NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't
Tell Me which featured a guest appearance by Sarah Silverman.
Sarah Silverman was a cast member on SNL the same year as Michael McKean.
Micheal McKean guest starred on an episode of Laverne and Shirley entitled
"Chorus Line" that was choreographed by Toni Basil.
Now where's my mad props for using the genitals of a specific person as one of my degrees? I decided to do one more, in case you were hoping that someone went the David Arquette route. If I'm only allowed to submit one, though, use the first one.
Mickie James knocked out Torrie Wilson with the Mick Kick last week on Raw.
Torrie Wilson rolled around naked with Sable in the pages of Playboy.
For some strange reason, Sable defeated Marc Mero during the Attitude Era.
Marc Mero (Johnny B. Badd) defeated DDP in 1995 for the WCW TV title.
DDP dropped the WCW title to David Arquette in 2000 marking the single,
saddest moment in the history of professional wrestling.
David Arquette appeared as Dr. Tucker in Muppets from space which was
choreographed by, you guessed it, Toni Basil.
One more thing, while I was doing this I realized that going into two out of
the last three Wrestlemanias, Trish Stratus had the longest running/best
developed storyline (Jericho/Christian then Mickey). Just an observation.
Later.
Nick "Ishbu" Perez
Ishbu? I don't think I even wanna know. Mo Rocca AND Trish's vagina in the same 6 degrees? Impressive. Yeah, its kind of weird how Trish seems to always have something interesting going for her when WM rolls around. Then again I'm one of those guys who cares more about who might be pinning Trish down than Cena. Oh, I figured that if I didn't include "Ishbu"s second submission that Marc Mero's name might never grace the pages of 411 again. Until of course I do the column about the gayest looking wrestlers in history… and don't doubt it, it's been a slow month in April my friends.
#3
I like it when people make my job easier and citing your work gets you extra points. That or somehow working in Kristen Kreuk or Journey.
This one actually came together pretty quickly. I'm also going to give
credit to my sources so you can find out what I looked up.
-Mickie James, known as Alexis Laree, was a member of The Gathering in
TNA. Upon her signing with the WWE, she was replaced by CM Punk
(credit to the Mickie James wiki)
-CM Punk was one of the gangsters at Wrestlemania XXII during John
Cena's entrance. (common knowledge by this point).
-John Cena held an open challenge for Wrestlemania XIX, which there was
no answer. So, before Wrestlemania began, he brought out two cardboard
cut outs of Fabolous and Jay-Z and battle rapped against them.
(Wrestlemania XIX Wiki)
-Jay-Z won the Grammy for Best Rap Solo Performance, an honor shared by
Coolio (both Jay-Z & Coolio's wikis)
-Coolio is known for the song "Gangsta's Paradise" (which won that
grammy for him). That song was parodied into "Amish Paradise" by Weird Al
Yankovic. (knew this by heart...but can be found in many places)
-Weird Al Yankovic wrote a song called "Ricky", which is a parody on
the song "Mickey" sang by Toni Basil. (found this on Toni Basil's IMDB
site under her bio).
Ok, now that the 6 Degrees thing is out of the way. I wanted to say that I liked your opinions on Wrestlemania XXII. I also wanted to say that in terms of Shelton Benjamin, I have a feeling one of his last hopes are to get drafted to Smackdown and face people like Mysterio and Angle in upper midcard/main event feuds. We were all itching for the Angle feud (Team Angle history) and Mysterio and Shelton should, in theory, have tons of chemistry. If Shelton comes out on top or at least makes a very strong showing against these two, then that may just be what he needs to get up ward motion.
Matt Moses
Oh Matty Mo, your diligence paid off this week as you cracked the top 3. I am a serious Weird Al mark so you had that working in your favor for sure. Right now Shelton is kind of in limbo. He's an athletic guy with great in-ring charisma, but can't cut a promo to save his life. See people, THIS is what managers are for. The Team Angle feud has been long talked about and I'm sure having Shelton move to Smackdown would instantly give him more credibility for a title shot than on RAW. Especially with a lack of real legit main eventers. I think a move to Smackdown and a possible reunion with Charlie Haas is just what he needs to shake him off this treadmill. I'm actually hoping he teams with Lashley and Haas to form an updated "Varsity Club" type gimmick. Then again what is the chance that he'd just end up being the Meat in an OJ/Trinity Bi-sexual sammich? *shutter*
#2
Ross Williams put in a strong effort and garnered the 2nd spot this week after referencing the finest male model movie of the modern era:
1/ Toni Basil choreographed David Bowie's 1974 tour
2/ David Bowie makes a brief cameo in Ben Stiller's 2001 film Zoolander
3/ The Ben Stiller show featured Gary Coleman of Diff'rent Strokes fame in 1992
4/ Gary Coleman appears in John Cena's feeble rap video from last year, "Bad Bad Man"
5/ One of John Cena's "gangsters" during his pre-entance at 'Mania this year was CM Punk (looking like a right twonk).
6/ CM Punk and Alexis Laree were hooked up together for their disastrous first shot with WWE.
Apparently Alexis
At #1 this week we have a submission from Rich C who got my attention with the subject: All Lesbian Edition of 6 degress of Seperation (Mickey to Mickie)
Well now that I got you attention with that e-mail subject, lets see if this will work for you:
1. Old School hottie Tony Basil was once on Baywatch as a guest star, which stared a sizzling hot blonde Erika Eleniak. (Basil to Eleniak)
2. Said sizzling blonde Erika Eleniak stared on Baywatch as did Uber hot blonde Pam Anderson. (Elaniak to Anderson)
3. Uber hot blonde Pam Anderson accompanied WWE Champion Diesel at Wrestlemania XI. Diesel's opponent for that match was Shawn Michaels, who was accompanied to the ring by Damn hot Blonde Jenny McCarthy. (Anderson to McCarthy)
4. Damn hot blonde Jenny McCarthy was in Playboy countless times (thank god) as was WWE diva and incredibly hot Candice Michelle. (McCarthy to Michelle).
5. Incredibly hot WWE diva (and godaddy.com girl) Candice Michelle has faced and lost to super hot blonde (and WWE diva) Trish Stratus on Raw. (Michelle to Stratus)
6. Super hot blonde Trish Stratus not only lost to Mickie James at Wrestlemania 22, but also provided the ultimate lesbian finisher with the finger lick. (Stratus to Mickey James).
Now if you excuse me, I think I need a cigarette. HA!
- Rich -
Well Rich, you take the cake this week for turning in the only all female submission. Although I question your taste in women as Candice Michelle is about the 9th hottest Diva in the WWE just after Lillian Garcia and right before Michael Cole.
(Dis)Honorable Mention
This week's "winning" entry comes from Nathan King who…um…I got no idea here…I'll just assume he may have been hangin' with Mr. Money-In-he-Bank before he submitted this:
This one was simple. Toni Basil appeared on VH1's I love the 80's with Chris Jericho. And Jericho was of course the Greatest Undisputed Champion.......ever.
Thanks
Nate
Alright Nate!! One degree that lead to…nothing. Wow, this submission lacked any real payoff. Kind of like sex with Steve Cook.
Greg Prior, Jerry Chandler, Capitol Police, Mark Satrang,T-Bone, and cubfan75 (Pete in Virginia) all get a mention for attempting managing to get from the woman who sang the song that you can't get out of your head, to the woman who's ass you just can't get off your mind. Then again, I could get off with her ass on my head. Or something like that…
Left Overs…
WWE offers to sue youtube.com, TNA is attempting to make their relationship official. I guess this means that since GOD is appearing at the WWE's next PPV, TNA is trying to sign Shiva for their next PPV. Sure God is omnipotent and he rolls with his posse (the son and the Holy Spirit), but Shiva has FOUR arms… think what kinda Kobashi chopping action he could unleash.
New boobies for Trinity? Anything to take away focus from her face I guess. I don't know though, to me it seems that one can only go so far with a good body, humungous fake rack and a hatchet face. And besides, Bentley already has his valet.
Congrats to Davey Richards who along with his co-holding the PWG Tag Titles also added Super 8 winner to his resume. Davey also just signed with RoH as a full-time member of the roster. For those not in the know go ahead and check out his website. He works an "American Strong Style" type of match and reminds me of a mix between Low Ki and The Dynamite Kid. Mostly because if you mix an Englishman and a Cambodian/Puerto Rican/Mongrol together, you end up with a stocky white guy from Washington. Its true…it's DAMN true.
The Mods rule with an iron fist in the Forums here at 411. if you're not on your best behavior you might just get banned. I learned this the hard way as I accidentally posted naked pictures of Mickie James on the board. It wasn't the nudity that got me banned, it was the fact that I mislabeled it Kip James instead. I guess people don't like disappointment.
Terry Funk, RVD, Benoit, Dean Malenko, Tajiri, and Sandman are rumored for ECW: Fuck Buddy. I think WWE should really use this name because a 2nd one night stand is just an oxymoron.
Does anyone remember the last time we saw Trish's bare ass bouncing around in a thong under a skirt before? Yeah, neither can I, but I will tell you that no matter when the next time someone asks me that same question is, I'll have an answer.
The Arm Wrestling Match is back on…and in a CAGE no less. I think having every day events in a cage makes it more dangerous and unpredictable. Sure playing SD vs RAW is fun, but have you tried it in a CAGE? I think the only thing that could save that segment is if the table they use to arm wrestle is set on fire. Along with both participants.
RVD > Rey Miserio Jr. Cuz' at least RVD knows not to give up a title shot for free. Then again, I think if Shelton wins that match it would be funny as hell for him to open it up and have like 3 bongs and a brick of weed fall out.
RoH gets some PWG infusion as Samoa Joe/BJ Whitmer/Adam Pierce go against the CZW team of Chris Hero/Necro Butcher/Super Dragon, Davey Richards also debuts against Delirious. Now I'm not a huge Super Dragon mark, but I respect his work, his ability to get heat, and his work in becoming the pitch man for bringing in great Indy talent into PWG. The only thing is that the man's gimmick centers around a Japanese masked gimmick while he is CLEARLY a white guy. I guess the next step is for him to then become a redneck, team up with Nidia, and eventually win the RoH championship… only to tag team with Kid Kash later on. Awww…Poor Dragon.
Well It looks like Samoa Joe was supposed to win that Ultimate X match after all. Otherwise why give Daniels an Edge-like title reign? Sabu has a chance to win the X-title which should shut up those people who complain that only little flippy guys and Joe get a shot at the title and it's truly about no limits and an extreme style of wrestling. what I'm really looking forward to is the promos leading up to this match at Lockdown.
John Cena is now in the business of making people tap out. Because every bad ass has a bad ass finisher. And THAT is exactly what the STFU is… very bad and very ASS.
Lashley vs Batista would be what Goldberg vs Lesner was supposed to be. I'm really hoping this happens after Big Dave gets better. Then again I'm afraid this will turn into a race thing and Lashley will be backed by Booker T and OJ, while Batista will be backed by…um… well at least after the beat down I'm sure one of the nurses who attends to him will be Filipino.
WWE trademarks "Umaga" so that no one else could use this name in the future. Good thinking Vince. I'd hate for you to be hoodwinked by the people planning to market the "Umaga brand" Home Liposuction Kit.
"Umaga Brand Home Liposuction…when you think of sucking ass, think Umaga".
So Hulk Hogan is training his son about wrestling fundamentals on "Hogan Knows Best"?? So far Hogan has gone through running the ropes, a few basic bumps, and how to lay on your back for only 2 seconds at a time.
Anyone else think that Randy Orton's suspension coinciding with the RAW Diva Search 3 starting up is a BIT too coincidental? I guess they assume that by keeping him away from the WWE in general they can stem the possibility of him taking a dump in any of the finalists' bags. Then again, much like the RKO, a Randy Orton ‘steamer' can hit at any given time.
HHH totally played face on Monday. Awesome promo, then the old "face falls for heel valet's antics" ploy. There was speculation about what Triple H was saying to Lita while she was on the ring apron. I read lips a little bit and I think the conversation went something like this:
Triple H: Hmm….nice tits.
Lita: Ditto.
Why can't Konnan beat "Bullet" Bob cleanly in an arm wrestling match? Are they keeping him strong so he can challenge for the X-Division title? Konnan is totally getting cornholed over by the eldest Armstrong in this feud. Then again, I could see why so many guys want to join LAX. Wouldn't YOU want to team with a man who would take a ‘bullet in the ass' for you?
So apparently this has made its way around the internet recently but Mickie James was rumored to have posed for pornographic pictures before she got signed to a WWE developmental deal. If you aren't at work and there is no one around…and you're 18 years of age you can check out one picture by clicking HERE. I wasn't sure if this was her or not or if this had been doctored, but it took a team of experts, a travel sized box of Kleenex, and 1 bottle of baby oil to conclude that… I didn't care.
Stacy to appear on MTV's "Punk'd" next Monday. Apparently she is having dinner with her agent discussing all the opportunities she has after her WWE contract expires and she signs for the check. Then Vince McMahon pops out from the back and says she actually just re-upped for 3 more year with the WWE and pulls his pants down and has "See ya Monday, XX" on his butt cheeks.
Kane's big secret about May 19th has been revealed recently. It was the day he tried a perm and it went horribly… horribly wrong. Don't worry buddy, we've all been there. He then apparently killed a very tall and evil dentist.
Necro Butcher in PWG?? Briscoe's no show. To be honest I was most disappointed the Briscoe Brothers didn't show up than Necro Butcher making a surprise appearance. I blame the eldest brother, Gerald, for fucking up their travel itineraries. I have to say that, that I am surprised that the creative staff at Smackdown have stolen Necro Butcher's gimmick yet. I can see it now. After a short hiatus, Orlando Jordan reappears on Smackdown looking like a homeless man with a new hardcore, violent, gory attitude as… Negro Butcher. He already has the hair for it.
If anyone went to PWG last weekend my girlfriend was the one screaming, "I love you Jimmy" to Jimmy Yang. Man, if I could just get in the gym and put in a good … 5 or 6 mins in there 2 or 3 times a week I could live up to that "sculpted" physique. The coolest thing though about Yang? He brought Taimak aka ‘Bruce LeRoy' to the ring with him. For a split second I thought I almost saw Yang begin to glow yellow, then the guy next to me said it was just Jaundice. Get well soon Yang.
So I don't watch this show cuz' I don't have cable but…there is a gay gangster on The Soprano's? What? Is Vince booking HBO too? Oh man, that would be ridiculous…I mean, could you image being an Italian Mobster and then later on people find out that you're gay? HA HA HA…man, that kind of shit would never really happen in the WWE
411 is hiring writers for re-caps and columns. So if you ever thought to yourself, "man, I could write circles around that hack who writes TBT…even though he is no doubt sexiest mutha fucka at 411" well now is your chance to put up or shut up. You could be the next Sforcina, Clark, or Sullivan. Or you could, you know… try to be good.
Pimpin' In High Places
Every once in a while you gotta give your fellow writer's the "rub". No, not in a JP/JT kinda way, but in a way that allows you to tout your fellow writers…while still keeping your pants on. Seriously…those guys are pervs:
Byers has gone Chikara crazy. What's a Chikara you ask? Probably a New Beatle convertible.
F or F features an epic battle between JP and Byers. What I think makes this such a fair and intriguing match up is that both of these guys were on the WCW roster at one point and didn't even realize it.
JP has part 27 in a 84 part series in his defense of Terry Bolea. Yeah…I break Kayfabe…I also go swimming 25 mins after eating. Take THAT conventional wisdom.
Meehan calls Bret Hart a "Diamond in the Rough". Which is so out of character for the "Prince of Positivity" to call the Excellence of Execution a TNA jobber. You've changed Meehan…you've changed.
Csonka thinks Magnum TA could have been a world champ. By that logic, TL Hopper could have been successful with a crooner gimmick…that man did have a great set of pipes.
Cook has the news for you and also gives some tips to those aspiring 411 Writers/Columnists/Sforcina stalkers out there. He forgot the final and most important tip for becoming a 411 writer, win the ‘Rant War' battle royal and forever post jokes about Traci Brooks being a tranny. Remember guys, they aren't ‘chicks with dicks' they're ‘dudes with tits'.
Don't forget about the Weekend Warriors: Ari still doesn't believe that Aaron Aguilera ever existed in the WWE but that's between him and his God , JT/JP brings you all the little stuff you never notice…like when your girlfriend's Birthday is for instance, and Boman wonders why everyone likes to add the ‘W' in his name. Well not me… if Batista somehow lost the "u" between OVW and WWE then I don't see why Ryan should get an extra "w". And don't forget about Clark who will be in Sunday. He promised he was going to hide eggs around the 411 break room. But he forgot to tell us he hid them in February. Damn it Andy.
Short column this week. Its been a real bitch to find 7 or 8 hours in which to find the beauty sleep I'm accustomed to. I think this is more or less wishful thinking that the "Wellness Program" will be the start of the de-emphasis of size and the re-emphasis on talent in the WWE. Then again you never know. Only time will tell whether this is legit or not and whether we see the gradual shrinkage of certain individuals on the roster. I just can't wait for 6 months from now when the "Masterlock" is finally broken…by Mikey. So seriously, go send your submissions to the 411 "Holy Trinity". Aka Ashish/Csonka/Randle. Who knows...maybe one day YOU TOO will be mercilessly ribbed by yours truly. I mean, who wouldn't love to know that each Friday there is a 25% chance they'll be a gay joke on the internet with YOUR name on it? Put your hand down Meehan.
