The Sunday Small-For-All News Report: 04.16.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 04.16.2006
The fate of Heat lies in my hands!!! Actually there’s a nifty poll inside… Vote or Die!!!
Man, I love global warming. Nothing beats a nice 81 degree day… unless you are stuck indoors writing a News Report. Not that I'm complaining. Hell, even if I wasn't writing this, I doubt I would be outside basking in the sun. Regardless of my predicament, I love this weather as girls begin to awaken from their hibernation and summer is on its way. Plus, Six Flags is opening and man, do I love me some rollercoasters!!! I also like lemonade.
So welcome again to the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. I must say that this report will be much shorter than most in the past. Not because I have nothing to say, but it's been quite the slow week newswise. No more bad luck for Randall Orton. No more craziness from the Warrior. Hell, it's been years since Steve Austin beat one of his wives. It's quite sad when the biggest news of the week is the end of the Tim White suicide videos. But fear not as today we get to decide the fate of Slimmer. Now that's exciting.
But before I start…
So You Want to Be a 411 Writer?
Earlier this week, my loveable boss Ashish posted some 411 openings. Considering that I was hired in October during the last hiring spree, I must comment on this. For those of you who have ever thought of writing for an established wrestling site, I heartily recommend sending in an application to one of our open positions. I've been reading about wrestling online since 1999 but never thought of applying for a position until this past October. Hell, even when I applied, I was not sure if I really wanted it. I mean, I applied for Heat recapper. What kind of personal hell did I want to subject myself too?
Actually, I wanted the Heat position from day one. A recapping job is an excellent starting position at 411 as it allows you to hone in on your writing skills in addition to learning how to recap. My advice for those who want a recapping position (either Velocity or Smackdown) is to stay unique. Take me and Slimmer for example. I tend to focus more on Fantasy stats and other news while Slimmer is a straight-up recap type of guy. I cannot write like Slimmer does, so I never tried to. Futhermore, I believe that Slimmer will never mention Fantasy stats because he cannot comprehend numbers.
For those of you who want to apply to be a columnist, I suggest you better be quite creative as 411 is extremely picky on the writers they choose. And I am glad they are. Talent like Bayani Whatshisname and Meesomething don't come along that often. Hell, I even think the Hidden Highlight people can be talented if they choose to be. So if you write an article where you are nothing more than a jaded smark, trust me, you won't get anywhere. That's why you will never see me write a column.
Furthermore, regardless of your position, there are many perks of being a 411 writer. While I have not received any "comps", you might find yourself lucky. In addition, you might even wind up with a comfy News Report spot like me. To think, I was only a lowly Heat reporter at one time. (Actually, the odds of you receiving a news report is slim, especially since there is no way someone's prying this spot out of my hands.)
So to wrap up, if you are interested in applying and can bring a unique perspective to the table, please apply. There are plenty of positions available and trust me, it is fun working for this website. However, if you know your goal is to be the next J.D Dunn or Scott Keith, please save yourself the trouble and do not apply. The internet does not need another Keith.
For those of you who need the application website, here's the LINK
Whew, that was a lot longer than I expected. Maybe this report won't be as short as I was expecting…
The 269 Words or Less Weak In Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
Raw this week was highlighted by the return of Trish's thong. Really, did you really expect anything else from me? Considering every 411 writer has made mention of it, I would be very surprised if the thong does not win Wrestler of the Week. Of course, Larry did not let us vote for Lita's boob during the Live Sex fest. Sometimes, I guess 411 has to remain PC. Anyway, in other news, John Cena made Edge submit to the STFU in a handicap match so I'm assuming Triple H will be pinned by Edge in the main event next week. Kane turned on the Big Show after another loss to the Spirit Squad. And Carlito outsmarted Chris Masters (again). Vince went to church too.
Smackdown saw Kurt Angle advance in the King of the Ring tournament by defeating Randy Orton. Oh and he broke Orton's ankle so there will be six more months of an Orton push after he returns. Or maybe just autumn. In other news, JBL defeated Chris Benoit via escape in a cage match. By the way, Jillian also had a nice thong on but not nearly as impressive as Trish's. Matt Hardy and Paul Birchill both received squash matches and Undertaker's next squash got promo time.
Impact moved to Thursdays this week and opened with a kickass Samoa Joe/Chris Daniels match. While Joe doesn't need the X Title, I can't complain with the match. In the main event, Sting squashed Eric Young. Spike Dudley debuted in his brothers tag match and caused a No Decision in the streetfight!!! I don't get that booking either.
WWE NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODS
The End of the Tim White Videos
Yes, I'm going to spoil the ending. This is not the first time that I am writing about the Tim White videos. In my first ever Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I mentioned how I would enjoy his suicide videos much more if there was blood. And oh yes, the WWE listened to me (and Jigsaw). My personal favorite would have to be the one where he runs through a humungous fan spraying a pool of blood all over Josh Matthews. How Tim White did not die in that particular episode was beyond me?
Regardless, I enjoyed the videos overall. Some of them did suck; however, many gave me a good chuckle (like the one where he failed at crossing the road). So this past week, the Tim White videos ended with a 5 minute tribute to Life. Like all good storytelling, the final video took place at the same location as the first (Tim's Friendly Tap bar). However, instead of shooting himself, Tim was finally smart enough to kill his best friend, Josh Matthews. I applaud you Tim for finally getting smart. But why did you murder Josh on camera. I believe the cops will come for you soon; once after, Vince retires them as a repetitive storyline devise.
The Return of the Divas
While not nearly as long and painful as the Return of the King, the Diva Search returns to WWE programming- this time on Raw AND Smackdown.
According to 411, " The plan for the next Diva Search competition is to have it on RAW and Smackdown. The competition has always done well in the ratings and WWE wants to use it to help Smackdown's ratings. "
Isn't it funny that the WWE now wants to improve Smackdown's ratings? For the last two Drafts, Raw has thoroughly raped Smackdown in terms of talent (and I would not be surprised to see that continue). So instead of trying to equal the programs out in terms of name-talent, they decide to bolster Smackdown with the Diva Search.
I admit that I do not hate the Diva Search as much as others. Normally, there are a couple of hilarious moments that make me smile (for instance, the c*m sucking gutter slut promo). But really, Smackdown does not need the Diva Search. Smackdown needs the extra television time to continue to develop the cast of characters on the show. By adding the Diva Search, Smackdown will have to remove one tag match, or a Paul Birchill match, or a Ken Kennedy appearance which is not cool. Obviously, Matt Hardy's matches will be cut but that's for other reasons.
Gregory Helms Update
According to his MySpace page, " Gregory Helms continues to suffer complications from his broken nose. Helms wrote on his MySpace site on 4/6 that a blood vessel inside his nose ruptured after his surgery to reset the broken nose. The bleeding went on for over six hours and at one point, he was going to be put under for another surgery before they were finally able to cease the bleeding. "
Man, that really sucks. Helms finally got to rid himself of the stale Hurricane gimmick and received a title for all his hard work. Of course, the cruiserweight title doesn't mean shit but it's still more prestigious than the Raw tag titles. In addition, he was actually getting a bit of a push with the belt by defending the title against everyone. Here's hoping that when Helms finally recovers, he gets to continue his push and not lose his title to some new cruiserweight.
ECW: Hardcore Hangover
According to 411, " According to Ticketmaster, ECW One Night Stand II is already sold out. Tickets went on sale this morning and were gone within two hours. Prices ranged from $50 for standing room to $250 ringside. "
This is obviously not surprising. Tickets were cheaper than last year's event and no doubt last year's awesome PPV help build interest to this year's event. Of course, if Rob Van Dam wins the championship at the ECW PPV, then the WWE should have no problems selling out the PPV for years on end.
Funny how there is no mention of Judgment Day selling out today? I wonder why…
Foley vs. Triple H at Wrestlemania 23
According to Foley's blog, " I wasn't so crazy about the "King of Kings" more or less calling me a piece of crap on national television — especially since the piece of crap in question is the same guy who put him on the map as a main-event performer. "
Damn right Foley. Since Foley's return in 2003 at the Bad Blood Hell in the Cell match, there have been many little hints to another Foley/Triple H feud. Considering the two have amazing chemistry (their 2000 feud was each man's best feud), I would totally mark out for another match between the two. Even without Foley being in tip-top shape, he still put on an impressive showing at Wrestlemania and you know, Triple H will rise to the occasion to get a chance of pedigreeing Foley one more time.
And that's about all for the WWE this week…
TNA NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODETTES!!!
Impact News
According to 411, "TNA Impact's format will be a bit different starting tomorrow night. The company plans to get rid of most of the squash-type matches they were airing on Impact in favor of higher profile matches that get more airtime as well as the development of major angles "
Well I doubt that most weeks will have the match quality of this week's edition. However, this is nothing but a step in the right direction for the company. I do not know anyone who will miss the squash matches on Impact outside of a few of Samoa Joe's squashes. Those were badass at times.
In addition, I would advise TNA to stick to a 4 match blueprint. Most matches will not be as long as Joe/Daniels so a fourth match would be ideal. Considering this is their only weekly impression on a "large" audience, all storylines must be pushed forward. Even with the match quality of this past week, Christian, the world champ, seemed like an afterthought and his match against Abyss is definitely overshadowed by a couple other matches.
Kazarian's Return
According to the Wrestling Observer Newsletter, " Frankie Kazarian has made a number of attempts to break back into TNA, but the company has not yet offered a deal. While TNA feels the most natural role for Kazarian would be to resume his spot as Matt Bentley's tag partner, it does not want to link Kazarian with someone who has so much lockerroom heat. "
I wonder if Kazarian misses being in the WWE? Outside of his few appearances on Comedy Central's Distraction, the Future has been MIA. Obviously, going back to TNA is ideal; however, outside of jobbing to NASCAR Drivers, they do not have much for him. Neither did the WWE last June. However, I truly believe that Kazarian would have gotten Kid Kash's "push" last December. Where's Kid Kash now? I'm not sure.
It's Pretty Much My Favorite Animal
According to 411, " There are still plans for Jushin "Thunder" Liger to work with TNA in the future. He being pulled from Lockdown was due to a communications error as he is needed for New Japan shows the weekend of the PPV. "
Of course this miscommunication probably cost Chris Daniels his X-title. While Liger/Daniels would have been a good match, it served no purpose for the match to be held in a cage. Hell, I can't visualize a Liger match in a cage so perhaps it's a good thing that he's missing the PPV.
The Fate of Small or Slimmer Awaits Below
So originally, this was to be posted on Monday. However, I ran into a couple of snafus and low and behold, here it is. The end of the Small vs. Slimmer feud. One of us will be leaving 411 empty handed. The other one will be able to continue writing Heat reports. It's up to you to decide below:
Personally, I think Ashish should add an opening for a new Heat reporter… Heh.
FUN WITH YOUTUBE
Originally I was going to end this segment just due to the WWE's recent crackdown on the site. However, with TNA wanting to embrace YouTube, I decided to keep it going. In addition, a couple of Trish Stratus gems were added to the site this week.
Ryan Byers is a fan of cheap wrestling. Read all about his recent additions to his vast library here
COMING ATTRACTIONS
A much shorter News Report indeed. Hey, don't get angry with me… it's Easter. Happy Easter everyone!!! And for all you Jews, I hope you have been having a Happy Passover!!! And for all you non-Christians/non-Jews, Scientology is not a real religion.
Next week, I will preview TNA's Lockdown in addition to the usual shenanigans. Hell, I might even throw in the R. Kelly Trapped in the Closet Drinking Game I created!!! Until next week…
Randle's in tomorrow.
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
