The Wrestling News Experience: 04.17.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 04.17.2006
This had better be more important than my chocolate bunny...
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle, and between Easter weekend, Vince cutting an insane promo against him, and the Da Vinci Code hype getting into full swing, it's been a pretty interesting week to be in a religious family.
The Leafs were officially eliminated from the very slim chance they had at the playoffs on Saturday night, but at least they got to dominate the Sens on the way out. I don't make playoff predictions anyway, because now it's really officially baseball season, so we're moving on.
Maybe I'm just in a bad mood because my new job has caused me to miss poker for over a week, and I'm seriously jonesing for some. But then again, at least I'm making money again, which is better than the alternative.
Here we go.
Important Information That I Had To Write Or Ashish Will Beat Me
411 has been hiring for about a week now, and it's still not too late to apply. Though it is really, really late. But anyway, as you all know…probably…I'm one of the three people who will be deciding whether or not you'll get to write for us. So, quickly, one more time, here's my personal tips for what I'm looking for. If you don't get the word this time, check this list and see where you may have fallen short.
- Length. I really can't stress this one enough. Two paragraphs is not a column. Well, technically, it is, but it's not a particularly good one. Brevity may be the soul of wit, but God is in the details. What I'm trying to say in between all the cliches is that you need to write more.
- Originality. At this point, I have heard every single possible argument that can be made about John Cena. Don't send me any more. Seriously. This segues into…
- Gimmick. The best columns on 411 have a main gimmick or theme that they can repeat every single week for months on end. Evolution Schematic, Hidden Highlights, 3 R's, Fact or Fiction, these are forms that can be done every single week. Like I just said, everyone has an opinion on John Cena. Present yours in an interesting way that can be used next week, when you need material that isn't about John Cena.
- Spelling and Grammar. This goes without saying, but I keep finding it needs to be said. Every popular word processing program has a spell-checker. Use it. If you can, have a friend proof-read it. I'm not saying we expect absolute perfect grammar, but at least make a serious attempt at it.
- Just a final thing, we are not hiring news reporters. That means that you don't have to write about current events. Expand your field. Stuff happened in the past that makes for great columns. And look at areas of 411 that aren't quite as full. Just as an example, how many TNA-only columns do we have vs WWE-only ones? If you can, play the odds.
- Never give up. It took me seven tries to get hired. We've only got so many spaces to fill, maybe next time will be your time.
Around The Horn
WWE Raw will be on a slight tape delay in Canada tonight, due to…actually, I don't know, but I assume it's sports-related. Consider yourself warned.
Stacy Kiebler is not expected to appear on WWE TV again until her contract expires, and she will presumably move on to play the role of Dead Stripper on an episode of CSI. According to fictional sources, WWE had planned to milk every bit of publicity Stacy garnered on Dancing With The Stars, but then she didn't win because the wrestling fanbase isn't large enough to rock the vote. That's right, she's being let go because she exposed the relatively small size of the wrestling fanbase to the public, thus shattering Vince's powers of illusion and misdirection. Before, he was like a giant orange David Copperfield, but now, he's like the Copperfield from that Dickens novel that everyone pretends they've read but really haven't.
ECW One Night Stand II tickets sold out in under two hours. That's right, ECW sold out. There's a really brutally amazing joke there somewhere, I just can't find the right words.
WWE has apparently ended the Tim White suicide videos, as this week's episode featured him celebrating life and shooting Josh Matthews. I would have put up spoiler tags, but I'm fairly certain nobody was watching anyway. Although I may have spiked traffic just now by alerting all those people who hate Josh Matthews. You know who you are.
The Diva Search is returning this summer! Who will be the next moderately attractive and minimally talented female to get harassed by Randy Orton before doing a Playboy spread and getting fired? Your vote may decide!*
* - depending on whether or not WWE rigs the vote like they usually do.
Chris Jericho will be writing an autobiography about his early years. Great, Chris Jericho has lived long enough to be able to write a book about only the first part of his life. And here I was just starting to shrug off the feeling that I was old.
The No Way Out buyrate has been finalized at 225,000 buys, which at least is more in line with the average crappy Smackdown PPV as opposed to the sinkhole it was initially.
And finally, WWE spoiled the results of last week's episode of Smackdown on WWE.com, detailing Randy Orton's "downward spiral". Which leads me to my next, newest segment…
RNN – Randy News Network – UPDATE!!!
That's right, Randy Orton's suspension started following the Smackdown tapings on April 12th, and from then until whenever he makes his return to the ring, this network will be covering his every move during the suspension, providing you, the viewer, with summaries of what Randy Orton does when he's not throwing fits backstage, making slurs against Canada, or urinating on Rey Mysterio*.
* - dramatization, may not have happened.
Following the April 12th Smackdown tapings, where Randy Orton did a punishment job to Kurt Angle and had his ankle "broken" to put him off TV (though one might question why they bothered, since WWE.com has already run stories about his suspension), and our coverage team caught up with him as he left the arena. Orton refused to speak with us, but it is entirely possible that he may have muttered an ethnic slur at our cameraman as he drove away. We cannot confirm this fact, so like every other responsible news organization, we're going to report it anyway, and make it really sensationalized, with cool expensive graphics and everything.
…
Okay, apparently there's no money in the budget for any cool expensive graphics, so scratch that. However, you heard it here first: during the first week of his suspension, Randy Orton committed a hate crime against an innocent bystander.
Tune in next week for any new developments, as RNN continues its 24 hour a week coverage of Randy Orton: Fallen Superstar.
The Great Impact Experiment
Has been ended due to the fact that TNA has move to Thursday nights, so by Monday, it's no longer really relevant to keep talking about it. Also, nobody seemed to care whether it stayed or went, and as we all know, I'm lazy. I do still watch it, though, so a couple random thoughts:
Christian still hasn't really been on live TV other than a quick run-in. It's like when Benoit, World Champion was feuding with Kane in a match that developed because Kane won a battle royal, while Triple H and Shawn had a Hell in the Cell match to main event the PPV. And not just because it's a small Canadian champion against a big scary monster gimmick.
Speaking of which, JP and JT theorized that the Dudley Boyz must be huge heels in Canada right now. Not really. We're still too busy continuing to attempt to burn Shawn Michaels effigies. Okay, smart guy, YOU try to burn something when in snows ten months a year.
No, it really doesn't. I wish that joke would stop working.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 04.10.06
WWE
- Ashley, RAW, out two months as of February 20 (broken leg)
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Gregory Helms, SD!, out four to six weeks as of March 15th (nasal surgery)
- Hardcore Holly, SD!, out indefinitely (arm)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- The Boogeyman, SD!, day-to-day as of April 2 (torn biceps)
- Val Venis, RAW, out 6-8 weeks as of April 3 (shoulder surgery)
TNA
- Andy Douglas, TNA, out indefinitely (kayfabe, Steiner-related injury)
- Austin Aries, TNA, out two months as of February (suspension)
- Jeff Hardy, TNA, out indefinitely (informal suspension)
- Monty Brown, TNA, day-to-day as of March 18th (knee surgery)
- Raven, TNA, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
Transactions
- Brother Runt, TNA, debuted on TNA April 13th
Tell me that's not the name they're planning to use. No, really. Tell me. Now.
Okay, we give WWE Creative crap when they do stuff like that, TNA is not going to be immune. That's the stupidest name I've ever heard. And I've heard stupid names. Like "JT".
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 04.18.05, and not a lot was happening. Oh, a bunch of people got released, but that happens at this time every year anyway.
Cue my trademark ominous music, and play it for Rob Conway.
Also, I dealt with all sorts of mail, including someone who met Randy Orton and said he was a decent person. It's not too late to apologize for doubting me, you know. I also accept cash in lieu of apologies.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Small did Sunday news, and still believes he has the power to get people fired. He's so cute when he's deluded.
Congrats to Boman, who had a baby and still managed to write a news report. Well, actually his wife did all the real work. In both cases.
Last week in wrestling TV, we have Slimmer and Small doing Heat, Fried doing Velocity, Larry doing Hogan Knows Best, Marsico doing Smackdown, and Larry and Dunn with the new Thursday Night Impact.
And Boman also has the Pin is Mightier. It's been a full week for him.
The Gab Bag
After sorting through all the applications, let's see what I can find.
What the…
You are an idiot? I am done reading your shit
Let this be a lesson to all of you: never tell your mother that the Easter ham was "a little dry".
Brandon had similar reactions as I did to Umaga, and requests that I get out of his head. Sorry, once I'm in, I'm in for good. Like a tapeworm.
Bill Gates, who still hasn't sent me that million dollars I asked for, suggests that Orton would be a good pickup for TNA if WWE ever got totally fed up and released him. I agree, which is why WWE will never release him, they'll just suspend him for a while, then make him a highly paid jobber until he has no value left. I hope.
Bill also finished Ric Flair's autobiography, and felt it was too much like an old grandfather complaining about everything and everyone he didn't like in his life. I have to agree, Flair's book was probably the least impressive WWE autobiography I've read, much of it felt like "hey, I have a public forum, I can air all my grievances with people I don't like". That's not to say Foley didn't, but his were a lot less mean-spirited and he made sure, for example, to give Flair his due as a wrestler. Flair was more "Foley sucks, Bret Hart sucks, Vince Russo sucks, you all suck because I said so", and I have little patience for that.
Matt Leach points out that the renaming of Brent Albright is so that Vince owns his ring name in case he bombs out and ends up in TNA. It makes sense, but I would point out that if he does bomb out horribly, he'd probably welcome the use of a different name.
Ted Guglielmo stands up for Angle and says he would destroy Puder in a shoot-fight anyway. While usually I don't get into this kind of stuff, I have to say, if Angle were aware that it was a shoot fight going in, with time to prepare and all that, I'd have to give him the edge based on experience. Although Angle's neck injury would be a target, and it's been a while since he trained for competitive wrestling. But if we're saying this is set up like a PPV match, Angle has some time to get ready beforehand, there's no way Puder takes him. I welcome everyone's opinion, because why not, there's always room for healthy fantasy debate that we'll never know the real answer to.
And One To Go On
We're a little short this week, due to me being home for Easter and having to write on a laptop keyboard as I do when I visit the folks. My hands are way too big for this tiny keyboard. And you know what they say about guys with big hands, ladies.
Anyway, that's all from me, Happy Easter and all that stuff. I have chocolate to attend to.
411 will have live Raw coverage starting at 9 pm EDT, and 9:30 in Canada, as I reminded you all earlier. See? Pay attention to me more often and you'll learn things. Anyway, Larry's in tomorrow, and I'll be back next week.
