The Butterfly Effect 04.26.06: Kurt Angle Moves to SmackDown!

Posted by Grayson Hamill on 04.26.2006

Look, kids! It's a brand new column, chock full of Vitamin C! Beg your parents for some today!

Greetings, children, and welcome to the premiere edition of "The Butterfly Effect", the 15th most positive column in the IWC. This is the only column on the internet that not only serves as a form of self-gratification for its author but also it's… hmmm…. Well, I guess this really is just an exercise in self-gratification. I guess I learned something about myself. Weird.

Moving on….

Welcome to the Butterfly Effect. I am your host, Grayson Hamill. And since (with the exception of the prick who hacked my hard drive) you're all first-time readers, here's a quick rundown of how this column is going to work. I'm going to take an angle, a match, a backstage segment, an entire episode of a show, or even a brief moment in time, and discuss how it affects the rest of the wrestling world. I may take something from the past and talk about its ripple affects up to the present or near future. I may also take something from the present and explain its current and possible future significance for the affected parties. Some weeks, when I've spent too much time drinking and can't think of a damn thing to write, I may also track a ripple effect from a possible future. I don't plan on doing a lot of this though, because I know how quickly I glaze over and start searching for some heroin to OD on whenever somebody spends 15,000 words explaining how great their fantasy booking ideas would be.

The parties affected by these moments can be anyone: other wrestlers, managers, valets, authority figures, production people, other columnists on the internet, inanimate objects, fry cooks, nuns, etc. Anybody or anything I can link is fair game. Some effects may be obvious, causing you to call me a retard and send nasty emails, but others will be farther-flung across a web of abstract connections, occasionally far-fetched enough for you to… call me a retard and send nasty emails. Dammit.

Now that the introductions are out of the way, I feel I need to address the title. Some of you may be wondering what the hell it means. The rest of you are laughing at me for naming my column after an Ashton Kutcher movie. And yet a few others are thinking, "Jurassic Park rules." To correct all of you, the famous Butterfly Effect theory has to do with the idea of entropy, which is to say that when things are left to themselves, disorder tends to increase. The Butterfly Effect is, in essence, the increase in changes across a system caused by one change at a single point. The difference when tracked among particles is said to resemble the wings of a butterfly. I've never really looked into it. Later, a similar theory was proposed in weather patterns and they stole the name and that butterfly flapped its little wings and set of a chain of events that lead to you sitting there in your boxers reading this column.

OK, science class is over. Go read a book. Now it's time to talk about steroid users beating on each other.

The Butterfly Effect: Kurt Angle jumps to SmackDown!

Our story so far…
On January 13, 2006, World champion Dave Bautista was forced to give up his title due to an improper assumption that chokeslams into cars and feuding with a 300 lb. tub of walking injury were both healthy endeavors that would aid in healing an injured back. SmackDown! GM Teddy Long decided that the best way to go was to give everyone on the roster (except former champions Booker T, Chris Benoit, or Randy Orton, because it would be silly to include them) would compete in a big ass battle royal for the title.

The battle royale came and the last entrant announced was the baddest mofo on RAW, Kurt Angle. In a shocking twist that nobody saw coming, Angle became the first surprise entrant to ever win a battle royale. It was later explained for the mark audience that Angle's RAW contract expired and he was moving over to SmackDown! and taking his now-former little buddy and manager Shawn "Khosrow" Daivari with him.

All of which leads us to… The Butterfly Effect! (see what I did there? ‘Cause that's the name of… oh never mind.)

Effect 1: Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey Hey – Randy Orton
Let's take care of the one that even those of you who have to wear helmets for your own protection could figure out first.

Young Mr. Orton, as many of you know, has recently been suspended for at least 60 days and possibly indefinitely. There's still the off-chance that this whole thing is a work, but assuming it's not, his suspension allegedly stems from a history of problem behaviour, including but not limited to sulking, whining like a four-year-old, and shitting in gym bags. Luckily, soapy fingers and showers were not involved.

These problems worsened when Angle was brought over to SmackDown!, as Dorkboy (tm Stephen Randle) supposedly took this as McMahonagement saying that there was nobody on the SmackDown! roster worthy of holding the strap. A few short months later and Orton's sitting on the couch with his dad bitching about how nobody gets them.

Effect 2: Hey, aren't you the guy that shaved my head? – Edge
When Angle jumped to SmackDown!, Edge was the newly-crowned WWE champ, a heel champ. Angle was the #1 heel on RAW at that point. HHH was also rebuilding his status. By jumping shows, Angle left a power void on RAW. Edge was given room to grow and be accepted as a main event heel. Had Angle stayed, Edge would have been fighting for heel time with Angle as well as Vinnie Mac and HHH. As the fourth biggest heel heading into Wrestlemania, he probably would have been overshadowed and wouldn't have the build and credibility to hold his main event status post-Wrestlemania. By leaving, Angle gave Edge the chance to put over both his program with Mick Foley and, by extension, himself.

Effect 3: Dissention in the Ranks – Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin
With the return of Charlie Haas to national TV last week, the seeds of a Haas/Benjamin feud have been laid. While a lot has been said about their former tag team accomplishments, not a word has been mentioned about the fact that, in kayfabe terms, Kurt Angle trained both of them. Had Angle been on RAW, WWE creative might have tempted to interject him into their feud on one side or another, considering they were put together initially just to protect Kurt's title from Chris Benoit. Instead, these two men are likely going to be allowed to duke it out for themselves without their former teacher taking sides. Think about: if face Kurt took Haas' side and he won, Charlie would still look like a bitch who can't win a match by himself. Likewise if heel Kurt helped Shelton. No matter how sweet the "Angle is Shelton's New Momma" sign in the audience may be, it would serve to weaken Shelton by implying that he needs his mom or coach cheating for him in order to win. The way it is, these guys will be granted the right to rise or fall on their own merits.

Effect 4: The World's Strongest Braids – Mark Henry and Daivari
I know, I know, Daivari was directly involved in Angle's jump and anything that happens to him isn't really a side effect. However, thanks to the jump, he's getting the chance to help the company in the best way he's able: By being a mouthpiece to catch heat for big heels who can't work a mic to save their lives. The biggest recipient thusfar of Daivari's new role is Big Drippy himself, Mark Henry. Henry hasn't been this entertaining since he was making out with Mae Young. With Daivari doing most speaking for him, he's been allowed to play the big, lumbering mammoth to perfection. While he will never be a true main event player in his life, his almost-silent killer routine has built him from being a midcard joke to being a credible threat for nearly anyone. While nobody with more than four active brain cells expected ‘Taker to lose at WrestleMania, Daivari almost made you believe his guy could do it. In a matter of a few months, Mark went from clearly being sent to retirement this summer to "maybe they'll re-sign him. TNA could do something with a monster like that" all thanks to adding a mouthpiece.

Effect 5: Worlds which may never be - Triple H
If you will all recall, years ago HHH and Kurt Angle were involved in a heated feud over who got to impregnate Stephanie McMahon. Last summer, after keeping the two of them separated by the brand split for three years, Kurt Angle was drafted over to HHH's Playhouse and on his first night there, they teased a rehash of this feud. As two of the best workers in the business, the prospect of their rematch feud caused half of the IWC to embarrassingly cream in their pants. However, it was not to be. Kurt turns from bestiality-sex funny heel to anti-American ultra-heel just to get John Cena over as a face (more on this below) and The King of Son-in-Laws takes a vacation before getting to beat up an old man.

During this period, the prospect of their feud loomed over all of it. These guys hated each other and haven't seen each other for years. It was natural. All we needed was a face turn. Unfortunately, the requisite face turn was accompanied by a show jump. Kurt Angle's probably going to be on SmackDown! for a while now and their feud will have to wait.

Effect 6: This town a'in' big enough - Chris Benoit
Chris Benoit is a hardcore intense badass mat technician submission specialist loved by the IWC. Kurt Angle is also a hardcore intense badass mat technician submission specialist loved by the IWC. Holy shit, déjà vu! For any helmet wearers out there: THEY PLAY THE SAME FUCKIN' CHARACTER! This isn't a bad thing. Their similarities made their 2002-2003 feud one of the most memorable feuds in the brand extension era. The problem is that they're both faces right now.

I've been clamoring for a Benoit heel turn for a long time. What can I say, he's gotten stale. With Kurt holding his spot at the top and the booking indicating they're preparing him for another main event push, there are two likely outcomes for Benoit. One is the heel turn I've been mentioning, but with his happy good-feelings mentoring of Brent Albright and soon-to-be IWC-darling-in-training Davey Boy Hart, cutthroat heel Benoit probably won't be returning anytime soon.

The other option, more likely in my drunken opinion, is to send Benoit back to RAW. Draft time is coming quicker than a fat guy with a porn star and one of these guys is going. SmackDown! still needs Angle to legitimize their championship picture (face it, besides the Undertaker's visitation rights on alternating weekends, the SmackDown! roster is hurting for solidified main eventers), so Benoit is the more likely one to go. It wouldn't surprise me if we finally got closure for Benoit/Edge at Summerslam this August.

Effect 7: the little things
John Cena – The champ is… a face? The people love Angle. When the crowd started to shit all over John Cena, Angle's involvement as his adversary made it so much easily to fling a heaping pile of Cleveland at him. When Angle moved to SD!, Cena was left to play with Edge, jackass extraordinaire. The crowd disliked Cena, but they hated Edge. This caused the shit-fest to stop and half of the crowd to say, "Well… Cena isn't as bad as that guy." Which lead directly into the love/hate relationship we see today.

Undertaker – I almost wanted to give the Undertaker his own section, but really his great matches with Kurt Angle were more of a direct consequence and did nothing for him afterward. The real effect on ‘Taker is his Hogan vs. Heenan-style feud he's starting to have with Daivari. Undertaker can't possibly be put over any more than he is, so why not let him give the rub to a few young guys in the course of a natural feud with said young guys' common manager? It's simplistic booking at its best.



Send ‘er Home, Grayson
Well, that about wraps it up for this edition of the Butterfly Effect. Here is where I would normally put in reader feedback, but since this is my first column, none of you have written me (bastards). Have no fear, though. Anticipating the fact that you people didn't think you had to send feedback to a column you've never read, I sent an advance copy of this column to my friends and family. Let's see what they have to say:

First we have someone who only wanted to be identified as Bitter Girlfriend:

To whom it may concern:
I think that wrestling is wrong! All's that it is, is one creature humping another whether it be female or male! My boyfriend is SO.... wrapped into all of this, I have to close to dance in front of the TV naked to get his attention and then he gets mad because he doesn't want to mix those two feelings (sex and the need to violence) then after he's all done ignoring me then he wants me to service him! I'm going to put an end to this grotesque sport once and for all. All of us girlfriends who are sick of being ignored are going to march in Washington, You haven't heard the last of me yet, you hear me? I'm not even close to done! Good day sir!

I think the real question at hand is why you're not doing your womanly duties and servicing him when he demands it. And who told you that you could leave the kitchen?

Thanks for writing! Next is Brother-of-Retard:

Seriously, bro. A column… about wrestling? Grow up, the rest of us stopped watching wrestling in middle school. You are never allowed to make fun of how much I play Everquest again!

I don't make fun of you playing Everquest. I make fun of you not bathing for days at a time because you're too busy playing Everquest.

Glad you like the column!

A person who wishes to be called StoneColdRules! asked for my expert opinion:

Seriously, this is the most retarded thing you've ever done, and that includes the time you tried to talk those two fat chicks into trying for the world's record for heaviest three-way. Anyway, here, for your column… who would win in a match: Rocky Johnson or Peter Maivia?

I still think that record would have been a great idea. Anyway, Johnson already got to bang Maivia's daughter so I think Peter needs his win back.

Finally, one of my professors who didn't get a copy of the column but still wrote in:

Please disregard my last email. Your term projects are safe. The bitch I share an office with hid them in my filing cabinet and then told me she never saw them. I hate her. I think I may poison her tea.

OK, so I changed a few words. Or made the whole thing up. Who knows anymore?

That's about it for, all that's left in my inbox are credit card applications, chain letters, financial opportunities from African royalty, penis enhancement secrets, breast enlargement offers (the internet always has been so supportive of the transsexual community), contest announcements, and mortgage rates. So here's the deal: if you don't want to see me answer my spam next week, write to me. I love feedback, it's the easiest way to make my column look long. Otherwise, I'll have to reveal the results of my credit card application, and they ain't pretty.

O.K. kids, daddy's sick of looking at you. Join me next Wednesday when I discuss... oh, I don't know. Probably whatever happens at Backlash. Until then, have fun.