The Sunday Small-For-All News Report: 04.30.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 04.30.2006
The Most Hardcore Edition Yet!!!
Well hello again and welcome to another satisfying edition of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. In today's edition, I will no-sell all the recent ECW talk to focus on more important news like Michael Cole's new position. In addition, we shall have some fun with Hardcore Holly plus the return of the Smackdown vs. Raw simulator which will predict tonight's Backlash PPV.
Anyway, we got a decent amount of news to talk about, so let's continue on our journey.
The 225 Words or Less Weak In Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
Raw this week emanated from London, England and in the main event, the Spirit Squad went to a no contest with Triple H, Edge, and John Cena. In other news, the team of Carlito, Rob Van Dam, and Charlie Haas defeated Shelton Benjamin, Chris Masters, and Matt Stryker. Mickie James went back to her normal persona but Trish did not. Finally, Ric Flair returned to get some retribution on Umaga.
Smackdown revolved around a Rey Mysterio/Kurt Angle World Title match. The result saw "The Main Event Killer" Mark Henry interfere and cost Kurt Angle the match. After the match, Henry splashed Angle through a table to allow Angle to nurse his injuries. Elsewhere, Bobby Lashley advanced in the King of the Ring tournament, JBL took out William Regal in a dandy, and the team of London, Kendrick, and Super Crazy defeated MNM and Gregory Helms.
Impact had quite the game show theme this week with Christy Hemme hosting "Let's Make a Deal." Behind door number one was Buff Bagwell and behind door number two was Lex Luger. Thankfully, Jeff Jarrett refused to pick either as his partner. I'm not sure what the purpose of the whole segment was but whatever. In other news, Abyss defeated Rhino, Samoa Joe choked out Jay Lethal, and Team USA took the advantage in the World Cup tournament.
WWE NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODS!!!
Sure Let's Talk ECW
Personally, I was never a big fan of ECW. Don't get me wrong, ECW did revolutionize wrestling to an extent with their raunchy storylines and their type of "wrestling." It's just that I am not a huge fan of spotfests and garbage brawls. At times, I love those types of matches; however, I only enjoy them sporadically. So when the news broke this week about the return of ECW, I was pretty non-plussed. Now about a week later, I'm quite sick of the news. For those of you who are not all caught up in it, here's what you missed:
From the PWTorch, " Vince McMahon made the decision to relaunch ECW as a brand about two weeks ago, began having former ECW wrestlers called and offered contracts last week, and began concerning himself this week with an actual business plan to make it work. One step he has taken is giving ECW its own TV show. Velocity, which had been taped before Smackdown each week, will be replaced by an ECW taping and air on WWE's website starting in June. The goal is for the show to eventually air on cable, and that's being worked on, but whether it's close to happening isn't known.
USA Network will be airing a WWE vs. ECW special on Wednesday night, June 7 which will be a two hour special taped in Dayton, Ohio at the Nutter Center. "
I'm very thankful that the Torch summarized the whole she-bang so well. Now the puzzling thing about this is why is Velocity being cancelled and not Heat? And no I am not saying that because I watch Heat. Think about it: RVD is on Raw and he's obviously the face of ECW. So shouldn't RVD be leading the revolution on the Raw brand?
As of last week's Wrestling Observer, the plans were still in place for a John Cena or Triple H or Edge vs. Rob Van Dam main event for ECW One Night Stand 2. While most of us, at least in the 411 staff, want to see Cena get crucified by the ECW mutants, it's almost counterproductive considering Raw has another PPV (Vengeance) only a couple of weeks later. So, it's not surprising, to see the next news…
SPOILER ALERT!!! POSSIBLE ECW MAIN EVENT
According to the Torch, WWE's latest plan for the ECW ONS main event is John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Rob Van Dam for the World Heavyweight Title.
I'll be honest, the more I think about this, the more it makes sense. A couple of days ago when I originally read about the matchup, I debunked it on the 411 Forums. I stated how it makes no sense for Rey to lose the title after a one-month reign and that JBL's storyline basically concluded last year when he got punked out. Plus in the last six months, JBL has gotten increasingly fat (he really needs a bra), jobbed out to the Boogeyman in two minutes, AND made Palmer Cannon quit. I really can't see how a PPV main event job is punishment. Hell, Batista is close to returning on Smackdown and his return would overshadow RVD's win.
However, since then, it kind of makes sense. As mentioned before, Velocity is canceled and Vengeance is only two weeks later. Unless, the Vengeance main event is a rematch of the ECW main event, a one-week build to a Raw only PPV is weak. Of course, they could book a John Cena/HHH Hell in the Cell and not care about the WWE title (like when Benoit's title match was overshadowed by the end of the 15 year HBK/HHH feud).
Furthermore, I would not be surprised if the WWE threw a curveball and had a Rey Mysterio vs. Rob Van Dam main event. Considering that Rey was an integral part of the ECW roster, it would definitely be the most pure ECW matchup possible.
SPOILERS OVER!!! Judgment Day Main Event Announced
It's on WWE.com so it's not a spoiler. According to WWE.com, the main event at Judgment Day will see Rey Mysterio defend his title against JBL.
I must say that the Rey/JBL match at No Mercy went well and I am always fond of the little man/big man matchup. Plus, with Angle and Orton gone, it sure beats Mark Henry. Question is: will JBL lose his US title before the PPV?
With this match announced, the Judgment Day card looks as follows:
World Heavyweight Title: Rey Mysterio vs. JBL King of the Ring Finals: Booker T vs. Bobby Lashley WWE Tag Titles: MNM vs. The Hooligans (London and Kendrick)
The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali
I must say there is nothing special about this card so far. Of course, the WWE could throw a changeup with the King of the Ring finals but I seriously doubt it. Why?
Kurt Angle Injury News
According to WWE.com, " Kurt Angle has suffered a cracked rib. As a result of the injury, the Wrestling Machine will now be out of action for an undetermined amount of time. "
I could reprint the entire WWE article but it is pretty much kayfabe from there. Mark Henry is not the only cause of Angle's injury. Angle's been pretty much beaten down for the last couple of months and really needs some time off. Sure I would have salivated at a potential Mysterio/Angle Judgment Day match; however, it seems as if Angle's injury is serious enough. Considering Angle won an Olympic Gold Medal with a broken neck and has fought throw continuous injuries, he really must be injured if he could perform any longer. Smackdown's quite hurting right now with injuries, so here's hoping that some new blood gets pushed.
The Best of Hardcore Holly DVD News!!!
According to 411, " Bob Holly is still suffering from health problems due to an infection he developed that never healed completely. The condition was thought to be life threatening and even if he does beat it, he could still lose his arm. He is currently on strong IV antibiotics for the next three weeks and his condition is considered very, very serious. "
Poor news for Bob. Luckily, the WWE has plans to release a Best of DVD of him in the upcoming months. And luckily for you fans, I found the match-listing through some detective work.
The Early Years: Thurman "Sparky" Plugg
January 11, 1994: Thurman Plugg vs. Barry Horowitz in his TV debut
Royal Rumble 1995: Bob Holly and 1-2-3 Kid vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka for the WWF Tag Team Titles
The next night on Raw: Bob Holly and 1-2-3 Kid vs. the Smoking Gunns
The New Midnight Express
March 30, 1998: The New Midnight Express vs. the Headbangers for the NWA Tag Team Title
Unforgiven 1998: The NME vs. The Rock N Roll Express
Brawl 4 All: Bob Holly vs. Bart Gunn
The Birth of Hardcore Holly
St. Valentine's Day Massacre: Al Snow vs. Bob Holly
Backlash 1999: Hardcore Holly vs. Al Snow
Fully Loaded: Kane vs. The Big Show with "The Big Shot" Hardcore Holly as the special guest ref
Survivor Series 1999: The Hollys and Too Cool vs. Edge and Christian and the Hardy Boyz
Hardcore Holly: Always Injured, Never Duplicated
May 2000: Triple H vs. Hardcore Holly on Heat
June 2000: Hardcore Holly vs. Kurt Angle (broken arm match)
September 2002: Hardcore Holly vs. Brock Lesnar (broken neck match)
Royal Rumble 2004: Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly
October 2004 Smackdown: Hardcore Holly vs. JBL in a Hardcore match
June 2005 Smackdown: MNM vs. Hardcore Holly and Charlie Hass in a 15:00 Iron Man Match
Retrospective on Hardcore Holly injuring others including countless jobbers, Rene Dupree, Matt Cappotelli and Carlito
Hey, it should sell better than a Best of Steve Blackman DVD!!!
Michael Cole's New Job
Michael Cole has been named Managing Editor at WWE.com.
I must say that I have been happy with the recent improvement of WWE.com. In fact, there pre-match interviews with Rey Mysterio and Kurt Angle have been a very nice touch. I am not sure if you realize this but most of the news from this week originated from WWE.com and not any of the dirt-sheets.
Well except for this news…
UUUUMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAGGGGGGGGAAAAAA
According to 411, " YouTube.com has a clip up of Umaga, John Cena, Armando Alejandro Estrada, and Carlito doing an initiation of sorts on Johnny of the Spirit Squad in what appears to be a hotel lounge. The clip features Cena, Estrada, and Carlito holding Johnny back while Umaga chops him. A lot of laughing is going on and at the end, Cena says to Johnny that he's been "f***in baptized."
I must say that I love, love this clip. If only Umaga showed this sort of personality in the ring. That and John Cena is quite a pottymouth.
For those of you who still not have seen the clip, here it is
TNA NEWS OF THE WEAK DOODETTES!!!
Great More Hardcore News
According to TNA's press release, " TNA Wrestling will invade Philadelphia for the first time ever Saturday, June 9th! The TNA signature six-sided-ring will invade the New Alhambra Arena for a one night engagement featuring the top stars of Spike TV's TNA iMPACT!
So far these matches have been announced:
Main Event: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles vs. Chris Daniels for the X-Division Title
Jeff Jarrett vs. Rhino
Abyss vs. Brother Runt
Christy Hemme news!!!
I must say I've got quite the hard-on for Christy Hemme so her news will always be in my report.
According to PWInsider, " Hemme's profile has been added to TNAwrestling.com. It is expected that she will be used as a backstage hostess for Impact and one of the hosts for TNA's new web show, Global Impact. "
Congrats for Christy Hemme!!! I always felt that the WWE was unwise to cut her as she showed a willingness to learn and was sure damn spunky. Plus, she could eat a pie with her ass!!! Now that's a talent. Here's hoping that she is more than just a Game Show host at TNA.
WWE BACKLASH PREVIEW AND SIMULATION
So tonight's Backlash and I must say the card looks pretty decent. Now, if I had the opportunity to actually watch the PPV, I would be even happier. Oh well, it looks like I will miss the in-ring debut of God.
Here's the card for those not in the know:
WWE Title Match
John Cena (champ) vs. Triple H vs. Edge
Handicap Match
Vince and Shane McMahon vs. HBK and "God"
Winner Takes All: IC vs. MITB
Shelton Benjamin (champ) vs. Rob Van Dam
WWE Women's Title Match
Mickie James (champ) vs. Trish Stratus
Former Friends, Bitter Enemies Part 1
Kane vs. the Big Show
Former Friends, Bitter Enemies Part 2
Carlito vs. Chris Masters
Restroom Break
Ric Flair vs. Umaga
Outside of the Flair/Umaga match, I expect most matches to be in the decent-> good range while both the IC and WWE championship matches have the possibility to be something special. Sure, this won't be as good as either the 2000 or 2004 editions, but it should have more meaning than last year's edition.
To help predict what will happen at tonight's PPV, I shall be using the Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 video game to simulate the results. To prevent bias, I am not taking control of any of the characters. I will just be giving Play-By-Play/Running Commentary of what is happening in the ring. I do this not only because I get a kick out of it but also in order to provide a non-human prediction of what may happen. And considering I would not be surprised if some members of the writing staff were alien, any of these predictions might in fact happen.
For all the characters that are not in the SvR 2006 video game, I created them using by far the best walkthrough guide I can find at caws.ws. You know it must be the best site as they have six different ways to create God.
So Far…
The simulator has predicted 14 out of 26 matches from the last four PPVs (.530)
I have predicted 18 out of 29 matches correctly (.620)
Match 1: Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam
The two men lockup to start and Benjamin pushes RVD down. We have a nice exchange of strikes before Shelton gets a takedown. Shelton works the arm with a knee drop. He then bails to taunt the crowd. In the ring, RVD bulldogs Shelton. RVD backbreaker. Shelton gets a desperation hip toss before removing a turnbuckle pad. They slug it out again and Shelton gets an EXPLODER after catching a RVD pick. That gets 2. Shelton whips RVD into the exposed turnbuckle. A Stinger splash misses and RVD comes back with a somersault off the top rope!!! Hip toss by RVD and he unleashes the kicks. Eye poke by Shelton to turn the tide but RVD counters out of a second Exploder attempt.
Shelton bails. RVD follows with a dropkick on the outside. RVD enters the ring but misses a running somersault plancha. In the ring, Shelton applies a neck vice. RVD fights out of it but is clipped back down. RVD gets a sunset flip for 2 ¾ out of nowhere. RVD gets a desperation bulldog and rolling thunder. RVD whips Shelton into the exposed turnbuckle and hurricaranas him from the top rope. RVD gets shoulder thrust in the corner but whiffs on a spin kick. Shelton rolls up RVD with the tights for 2 ¾. RVD fights back with a crossbody and the 5 Star Frogsplash ends the match @ 8:15 ***
SvR Prediction: Rob Van Dam
My Prediction: Rob Van Dam
Match 2: Carlito vs. Chris Masters
Test of strength to start which is won by Masters. The two slug it out until Carlito hits a DDT. Masters reverses a whip and knocks Carlito down with the polish hammer. Masters tries to take Carlito down but the Cool one punches out of it. Carlito mounts and punches him. Carlito works the knee for a bit. Masters shoulderblocks out of a whip. Hammerlock by Masters. Chinlock by Masters. Carlito jawbreakers out of it. Masters applies a sleeper. On the second hand drop, Carlito fights out of it but whiffs on a dropkick.
On the outside, Masters slingshots Carlito into the steel post. At least, that's what I think he was trying to do since the game has poor hit detection at times. In the ring, Masters back suplexes Carlito. He whips Carlito into the corner and follows with a clothesline. Masterlock. Masters breaks the hold before Carlito submits. Carlito gets a desperation DDT and starts to fight back. Scoop slam and bulldog follow as Carlito heats up. Back elbow by Carlito. Overdrive but Carlito can't cover. Masters clotheslines Carlito before hitting a gutbuster. A second Masterlock but Carlito does not submit. Knee to the gut sets up another attempt at the Masterlock but Carlito reverses out of it. Masters Russian leg sweeps him. A third Masterlock gets the ropes.
Carlito comes back with a clothesline and a swinging neckbreaker. Masters pulls Carlito down by his hair (twice) and tries another Masterlock to no success. The ref is bumped and Masters removes the top turnbuckle. Carlito low blows Masters and sets him up on the top rope (of the exposed turnbuckle). Superplex. No cover. Masters gets another polish hammer and bails. Masters grabs a chair but the ref stops him from using it. Low blow by Carlito. Reverse swinging neckbreaker ends the match @ 16:13. It picked up drastically at the end but the middle section was awful. ** Carlito spits an apple on Masters.
SvR Prediction: Carlito
My Prediction: Chris Masters
Match Three: Ric Flair vs. Umaga
Stare down to start and Flair coldcocks him. Umaga gets a hammerlock and they brawl to the floor. On the floor, Flair tries a suplex but it does not work. Umaga chops him down. In the ring, Flair fights back with chops and knees him in the gut. Armbar by Flair. Umaga chops out of it and gets 2 clotheslines. Butt drop by Umaga. Flair tries to fight back but is hit with the Overhead Spinning Neckbreaker.
Umaga lets Flair up. It's not a smart idea as Flair chop blocks Umaga. He works the knee with a couple of stomps. Flair chops away and low blows him. A running knee knocks down Umaga. Flair tries a neckbreaker but it is blocked. Umaga throat thrusts Flair. A second Spinning Neckbreaker downs both men. The ref starts to count to 10 but Umaga is up at 6. A face crusher ends the match @ 7:31. *
SvR Prediction: Umaga
My Prediction: Umaga
Match Four: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus
Back and forth to start. Trish slaps Mickie but is dumped over the top rope. In the ring, they slug it out. Mickie knocks down Trish and applies a crossface. Corner clothesline by Mickie. Mickie whips Trish who comes off the ropes with a Hart Attack. Trish bulldogs Mickie (not her finisher). Arm drag by Trish. Chick kick connects but Mickie rolls into the ropes. Mickie gets a rollup for 1. Mickie gets a dropkick and reapplies the crossface.
Trish fights out of the hold and gets two more bulldogs. Mickie takes advantage again with a hair pull. Samoan drop and Mickie slaps the hell out of Trish. Mickie misses a clothesline and Trish gets a neckbreaker. Trish now applies a crossface. Trish lets Mickie up only to Chick Kick her for the title @ 7:19. ** 1/2
SvR Prediction: Trish Stratus
My Prediction: Mickie James
Match 5: The McMahons vs. HBK and "God"
Considering there's no way that God's a wrestler, I simulated this as a handicap match.
Shane and HBK starts and HBK opens with a DDT. Shane comes back with a rollup for nothing. Back elbow by HBK and he continues to be on the offensive. Another DDT by Shawn and he immediately Sweet Chin Music's Shane's head off. Vince saves the match at 2. Vince distracts Shawn long enough for Shane to clothesline him. Shane rakes the eyes. Shane tries to tag in his father but HBK stops it with a dropkick. Shane gets a desperation hit to the midsection and tags in Vince.
Shawn slugs Vince down. Gourdbuster to Vince. Sweet Chin Music to Vince and HBK lets him up. Vince gets some weak offense until HBK single arm DDTs him. Vince tags in Shane. The two McMahons try a double team but HBK reverses to a double clothesline. Shane gets a rollup for 1. Vince tags back in and the two double team HBK. HBK fights off Vince's attacks so Vince tags back in Shane. Teardrop suplex to Shane. HBK stomps Shane's leg and gets a dropkick. HBK climbs to the top but whiffs on a moonsault. Shane tags in Vince.
HBK rolls up Vince but Vince gets the ropes. Vince clotheslines HBK. HBK fights back with 10 punches in the corner. HBK climbs the turnbuckle but Shane knocks him off. Stunner to HBK for 1!!! Shane tags in. Shane runs at HBK and neckdrops him. He snaps HBK's neck across the top rope and taunts out of the ring. HBK planchas out of the ring onto no-one!!! The two McMahons double team HBK outside of the ring. HBK makes it in at 8.
Vince tags in but is reversed DDT'd. HBK gets a Russian leg sweep. HBK picks up Vince just to knock him back down. Sweet Chin Music busts Vince open. HBK is too tired to capitalize. Sleeper to Vince but Shane breaks it up. HBK kicks Vince in the midsection. Vince tags in Shane who is promptly SCM. Shane is now also bleeding. Clothesline to Shane. Shane fights back with some punches. Tear drop suplex to Shane but Shawn is having stamina problems. Fisherman suplex to HBK gets 2 ¾. Shane's Tornado DDT ends @ 14:36. * ½.
SvR Prediction: The McMahons
My Prediction: HBK and God
Match 6: Kane vs. Big Show
Lockup to start which Kane wins. Kane unloads to start with right hands. Big Show fights back with a clubbering forearm. Kane reverses a Show suplex attempt and reverse DDTs him. 2 full nelson slams by Kane follow. Sideslam by Kane. Kick to midsection and Kane's chokeslam connects for 2 ½. Kane misses a clothesline but follows up with a kneebreaker. Kane dumps Show and removes a turnbuckle cover. On the outside, Show atomic drop Kane and they fight back into the ring. Kane's big boot attempt is blocked. Show tries one of his own which Kane ducks under. A second chokeslam is no-sold. Kane suplexes Show. He chokes Show on the mat. Show tries to fight back and gets a cobra clutch. Kane fights out of the hold and big boots him. Show gets a pumphandle slam. He picks up Kane who rakes him in the eyes. A third chokeslam ends the match for Kane @ 8:22. ** Just a long squash for Kane.
SvR Prediction: Kane
My Prediction: Kane
Match 7: John Cena vs. Edge vs. Triple H
Edge bails to start allowing Triple H to jump Cena. Cena fights back and the two heels attack Cena. HHH bails allowing Cena to clothesline Edge. The two stop fighting and go after HHH on the outside. Edge spears HHH while Cena goes back to the ring. HHH slams Edge on the barricade. HHH works on Edge's leg with an Indian Deathlock. The three men brawl outside. Cena leaves to let HHH crossface Edge. Cena returns as the three keep fighting outside. Single arm DDT by Edge to Cena. We are about 5 minutes into the match and there's been only about 30 seconds in the ring.
Finally, all three enter the ring. HHH and Cena slug it out and Cena protoplexes HHH. Cena locks in a crossface which Edge breaks up. DDT from Edge to Cena. Cena is whipped into the corner and Edge follows with a shoulder. HHH whips Cena into a different corner and throws him over the top rope. Edge puts HHH in a surfboard. Edge mounts and punches HHH. SPEAR to HHH but Cena attacks Edge. Bulldog to HHH from Cena. 5 Knuckle Shuffle. HHH DDTs Edge. Cena covers for 2. Cena with a surfboard to Edge.
Thesz press to HHH from Cena. Edge whips HHH in the corner and spears him. FU to HHH gets 2 for Edge. Spear to Cena from Edge. Cena DDTs Edge. HHH brings in the ring bell but the ref stops him from using it. Edge-o-matic to Cena. HHH low blows Edge. HHH cheap shots Cena in the corner. Edge neck snaps HHH. Bulldog to HHH. Rollup from HHH to Cena gets 3 @ 10:45. ** ½
Ryan Byers is a fan of cheap wrestling. Read all about his recent additions to his vast library here
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Well kids, this marks the end of another edition of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. Tune in next week, when I shall be struggling to come up with original material. Hey, maybe if we are lucky, we will get some juicy drama and more ECW news!!! Until next week, enjoy the new material on the site and my Final Fantasy Heat double report coming sometime this evening. I promise.
Enjoy Backlash.
Randle's in tomorrow.
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
