The Butterfly Effect 05.03.06: Whatever Happened At Backlash
Posted by Grayson Hamill on 05.03.2006
OK Csonka, your car is clean, your kids are fed, and I've washed your *shudder* wrestling tights. Can I post my next column now?
Good afternoon, children, and welcome to "The Butterfly Effect," the only clothing-optional column in the IWC. I am your host, Stephen Randle's bastard son, Grayson Hamill. This week, the topic that's on everybody's mind is how John Cena keeps a hold on the title despite the fact that half the audience would rather cheer for foot fungus over Cena. The internet is bustling with ideas, and theories, and whining all about John Cena.
Wouldn't it be great to examine how his title retention affected everyone else?
Yeah, that's the column I probably should've written. Instead, I'm going a little off the beaten path to talk about everyone's favourite Wellness Program risk, Rob Van Dam, and his title victory over everyone's favourite midcarder-for-life risk, Shelton Benjamin, this Sunday at Backlash. And that, my friends, is how you do a swerve.
But first…
Wait for it…
First, for new people, heroin addicts, people who roll their own poo into little balls and play with it, and anyone else who doesn't remember last week's column, a quick rundown of how this works. For my loyal readers (both of you), feel free to skip down to the big bold underlined part. This is all rerurns.
Anywho, every week (except when I'm too hung over or just don't feel like it), I'm going to take an angle, a match, a backstage segment, an entire episode of a show, or even a brief moment in time, and discuss how it affects the rest of the wrestling world. I may take something from the past and talk about its ripple affects up to the present or near future (like last week). I may also take something from the present and explain its current and possible future significance for the affected parties. Some weeks, when I've spent too much time drinking and can't think of a damn thing to write, I may also track a ripple effect from a possible future. I don't plan on doing a lot of this though, because you people adore me and I prefer "great column! Wanna make out with my girlfriend while I watch?" emails to "You fuckin' suck, you fuckin' fuck suck motherfucker. I hope you die," emails. So we'll try to stay in the past and present for starting points.
The parties affected by these moments can be anyone: other wrestlers, managers, valets, authority figures, production people, other columnists on the internet, inanimate objects, fry cooks, nuns, etc. Anybody or anything I can link is fair game. Some effects may be obvious, others will be farther-flung across a web of abstract connections. I think that covers it.
And now, ladies, gentlemen, and subhuman dwellers of internet message boards, I bring to you…
The Butterfly Effect: Rob Van Dam defeats Shelton Benjamin for the Intercontinental Title and the right to challenge for a cute spinner title at Backlash
Our story so far…
April 2, 2006. A day I still remember like it was only a month ago. Rob Van Dam wins a ladder match against two old guys whose doctors told them to avoid heavy climbing, a mat bruiser, a guy who only still exists for us to hate Edge more, and a guy who needs his Mom to win matches for him. Surprisingly, this was a career highlight according to his WWE.com profile.
After that towering achievement, he went on to feud with the aforementioned Momma's Boy who had a pretty belt that, from what my grandparents tell me, used to mean something. In the course of this feud, Mr. Whatever-night-my-show-is-on here-in-fabulous-your-city wound up putting up his airbrushed man-purse against the Momma's Boy's trinket belt.
That leads us to Backlash, which happened several weeks later in April (and people say WWE has too many PPVs). The Smoker and The Suckler put on a match that tore the house down, with RVD winning with a frog splash after what people who have $40 to shell out on this stuff tell me was an intense twenty minute clinic.
Effect 1 – Oh damn, I can't believe he fell for that one: Charlie Haas
Imagine you're Charlie Haas. You were part of the greatest tag team of all time, then it got broken up so your partner could have a singles career and you could have an odd-couple title run with Rico. After that, you got to languish on the midcard, mostly known as the lucky bastard that's banging Miss Jackie, until they fire you on the day you return from your honeymoon.
Flash forward a little bit, and you're back in the WWE (because coming back worked out so well for Matt Hardy), getting the buildup for the hot feud against the Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin. As Shelton finishes up his business with RVD, you ready, and then… the morons in charge take Shelton's title off of him and give it to the most over guy to never win a world championship who already has a guaranteed shot at the title. This move takes what could have been a hot title feud and a great opportunity for Haas and shits all over it. Haas and Benjamin is a nice undercard feud, sure, but you add a title into the mix and you wind up with a subtext of good ol' Charlie being just a little bit jealous at his former friend's success. Instead, Haas and Benjamin are looking to be put into a generic "former partners battling because one's a jerk now" angle. You can't fault WWE creative, I mean, it worked so well for Paul London and Billy Kidman.
Effect 2 – We're both faces? That's not cool: Carlito Caribbean Cool
It wasn't that long ago that we were being teased to an RVD/Carlito confrontation. When RVD was first drafted over to RAW, Carlito gave him a welcome by reinjuring his bad knee. Of course, Carlito had only been on RAW for about 15 minutes himself at that point, so maybe somebody could have sent a more prepared welcoming committee. I'm just say. Anyway, over the past few months, we were privy to the occasional mention of this "welcoming" by the announcers and even a couple replays by production. RVD and Carlito had a barnburner during the Wrestlemania #1 contender's match, and the fans clearly wanted more. We were teased that we'd get to see Carlito and RVD in a ladder match for Money-In-The-Bank, but were swerved. All of this led to us wanting Carlito vs. RVD.
Now they're tag team partners congratulating each other on their victories. Here's where Backlash comes in. RVD and Carlito are not going to have the grudge match feud we all want (meaning the one I want and to hell with you guys) because they're both babyfaces at the moment. However, even in the good vs. evil world of McMahonism, there is still one time when two faces can do battle: when there's a title involved. Even if they just shit in Charlie Haas' mouth and pull his feud to make this one a triple threat with Shelton Benjamin (whom both RVD and Carlito have issues with), these two could easily start the much-hyped feud anyway, all because of RVD's new belt. From one title transfer, hope is brought back to one of the better slow burns in some time.
Effect 3 – Back to the toilet, you: The Intercontinental Title
Even assuming RVD's hold of the IC title can lead to a sweet feud with Carlito, the title itself continues to be devalued. It has been passed from guy-who-doesn't-really-need-it-anymore to guy-who-probably-doesn't-need-it-either for a while now, and seldom defended in between. WrestleMania came and went, and while SmackDown!'s US title was defended in a match between two former champions that may have stolen the show on an HBK-less card, the IC Title was merely part of Shelton's ring attire.
Now Mr. Money-in-the-Bank has it. Which is great, RVD wins a midcard title and looks strong, but here's the problem: RVD has to stay strong (i.e. he can't be beaten by a midcarder) in order to remain a credible challenger to the WWE Title. If Shelton Benjamin or Chris Masters or whoever were to beat him clean for the title, he would look like a chump who doesn't belong in the same building as HHH or Edge or even Kane. This means the only way the title is leaving Rob is through some Dusty Rhodes-style shenanigans, or a triple threat where the guy who wins pins the other guy while RVD is off paying for his next Wellness Program random sample. RVD then doesn't give a shit about the title after losing it, and there's yet another asterisk on every title reign to follow (*This bitch only retained because RVD (and Ric Flair (and Randy Orton (and Edge (and Chris Jericho (ad absurdum))))) couldn't be bothered with his little pissant ass).
Effect 4 – The Buddy System – Rey Misterio (This section may include possible spoilers. I have no idea what I'm about to write but it will likely include a rumour that's been going around that may or may not be true. I'm serious, if any of you starts bitching about spoilers, I will send you naked photos of Mae Young. You've been warned.)
For those that don't remember, Misterio and RVD won the belts in late 2004 from the "One World, One People"-approved team of Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree (remember them?), only to quickly lose them to the Bic Razor-sponsored team of the Basham Brothers (remember them?). Now here's a little statistic: Since the beginning of the two-title era, no former WWF/WWE tag team champions have ever held both titles at the same time. This, added to the fact that RVD's win continues to add credibility to the rumoured JBL vs. RVD main event at ECW: You Better Make Me Breakfast This Time, starts to spell doom for the length of L'il Rey Rey's fightin'est little title run.
Effect 5 – E is for "Excrement": The new ECW
RVD is getting a huge push. I know it, you know it, even RVD's tights know it. He is a major player on what still qualifies as WWE's flagship show. It's pretty safe to say that when the ECW brand debuts, RVD will be watching the show from a safe distance on RAW. This goes a little way to show the level of the "former ECW talent" they'll be bringing in. With ECW guys who can make it on their main roster (RVD, Benoit) still getting pushes, ECW may well be seen as nothing more than the guys who couldn't hack it in a WWE ring.
On a side note (and yes, it's the second issue and I'm going off on wild tangents, deal with it), I have to say I enjoyed Joey Styles' promo on RAW Monday night, setting off this ECW thing. The only problem is, I hate supposed "off-the-cuff, live TV" speeches that are obviously scripted. I was watching it hoping for one little line that would instantly add legitimacy to his speech: "If anyone from TNA or Ring of Honor is watching and has a job opening, call me." That, or any variation of it, would have totally sold the "I don't care" ECW attitude. Both to the marks as it solidified that Joey was actually quitting, not JR quitting, but also to the smart fans out the who know that mentioning the upstart brands is a no-no in Vinceworld. The roof would have come off the arena and the entire internet would crash with activity if Joey broke the cardinal sin in order to put over ECW. Alas, it never came to be.
Effect 6 – Big Momma's House: Mrs. Benjamin
What happens when a Momma's Boy's Momma comes to visit? He goes on a hot win streak and looks unstoppable. When she leaves, he hits a slump, gets punked out by his former sidekick, and loses his pretty belt. This all spells big things for the Benjamin clan when she returns. They can build it into an angle where Shelton starts winning again as soon as his mommy returns, only to push her away in order to prove that he doesn't need her. This could lead to Momma bringing in a new guy (a kayfabe little brother for Shelton?) for Shelton to go over, allowing him to finally be his own man. Even if that doesn't happen, the losing streak that Benjamin has occurred capped off by his losses at Backlash and the next night on RAW certainly provides a use for the Momma character when Thea Vidale is ready to return.
Effect 7 – The Little Things The Big Show – Big Show just got out a tag team, ready to tear up the singles scene! However, RVD's victory kept him a main event player. HBK is HBK and by default the #2 face on RAW. And either HHH or John Cena, depending on the week, has to be considered face #1. Show has been blocked out of the main event shuffle entirely for the time being. Apparently, they have a quota on manboobs that HHH is already filling.
JBL – A lot has been made about how Carlito reinjured RVD's knee when he came to RAW, but anyone remember who injured it in the first place? For those that could give a shit about SmackDown! and anyone who just boycotts UPN out of principle, the answer is The Basham Brothers, JBL's then-secretaries of defense. This is definitely something they should play up should the meeting between the initialed ones ever come to be.
If you ain't the one doin' the pimpin', you the one getting' fucked
That pretty much wraps up the Butterfly Effect for this week. Now I have business to attend to. Last week, I forgot to pimp the hell out of my favourite other writers here and was severely punished. After the anal bleeding stopped, I decided to get right on it.
First of all, Ari is already developing a man crush on me.
Meehan and I are going to be booked in a Positivity squash match to keep him strong before he reinvokicizes his rematch clause against JP and JT for what will apparently be the Third Positivity Debate, likely hosted again by Positivity Debate II (coming sooner than a virgin on prom night) contestant Andy Clark just before Larry and Randle fire all of us and replace us with a Slimmer vs. Small debate article, which in all honesty would be a money draw.
Damn, my pimphand is tired after that one.
Finally, we have the new people solidarity block, since we all sit at the same table during lunchtime (until such time as I start banging a popular girl and the cool kids accept me as one of their own):
Sat and Rajah go high and low on male cheerleaders…. Wait, that came out wrong. Michael Weyer is spreading the spotlight around until such time as it's so diffuse that he changes the column name to "Ambient Lighting" Julian Williams has the top ten events in a cage that didn't involve a donkey. Yeah, I know he has a second column up, but I worked so hard on that donkey joke. Double pimpin' action!
Remember O'Dog? He wrote The Smackdown Goodness, which underwent the Snitsky treatment and became just The Goodness, and now he's back, with The Forgotten Goodness (again, kind of like Snitsky). Ryan Frank asks "Haven't we seen this before?" His first column is about John Cena, and I'm trying so hard to avoid a "You can't see me!" joke right now. It would truly demean us all.
Finally, Alex, Sean and David sit around and argue about wrestling… you know, just like you do with your friends, only its on the internet.
I poke fun because that's my gig, but in all seriousness, you should check out all of the new guys. Before I decided that writing 10 pages a week about wrestling would be a fun idea (drugs are bad, kids), I was a long time reader of this site, and honestly, I can't remember a stronger crop of wrestling columnists debuting at one time. OK, Public Service Announcement over, on to the hate mail:
Send ‘er home, Grayson
You guys really disappoint me, you know that? As I was writing last week's column, I was thinking to myself, "Self, everyone's going to hate this," so I worked up a lot of witty comebacks to "you suck" emails. And what happens? You guys send me 100% positive feedback (bastards). Oh well, I guess I'll have to live with the pain of being adored and admired.
First up is Jobez (cool name, by the way), who hated my column.
Great start to your column. I've been into this whole IWC thing since about 2001 and I must say, your column was probably the strongest debut column I can remember reading. And I can appreciate the fact that you've managed to be witty and humorous without appearing to try too hard (forced humor is never funny). So keep up the good work and knock 'em dead next week.
Thanks for the kind words. I agree with you that far too often, internet writers try to force the humour. Here's a little advice for you aspiring slaves of Larry Csonka: Figure out what you want to say first, and then figure out the funniest way to say it. If you can't make it funny, relax. There'll be room for a joke in the next paragraph.
Veej thinly veils a shot at Cena as backup for my point:
I think Kurt Angle leaving RAW is the best thing that ever happened to Edge, and Cena for that matter. He's getting legit heel heat, not the "You're not Cena so we're rooting for you" heat. And that's not an easy thing to do. I was watching this year's Elimination Chamber the other day, and while John Cena and Chris Masters were fighting, the fans (who totally shat all over Cena that night) were chanting "Let's Go Masters". PEOPLE WOULD RATHER ROOT FOR CHRIS FREAKING MASTERS THAN FOR CENA.
I completely forgot about that moment until I read your email, Veej. Thanks for the backup.
Robert writes in with an… odd question:
I am a regular reader of 411mania. However, I have never read Edge's book and have no idea what "soap rape" is. Can you help me out here what exactly does JBL allegedly do to cruiserweights in the shower? JBL being a good conservative I doubt he does anything homosexual to the other talent, but I really dislike him anyway so I wouldn't be surprised if he chooses to forcibly sodomize the WWE.
I honestly have never looked into this one, bro. I'm a little afraid to. I know he plays pranks and has allegedly at one point put a soapy finger in someone's ass, but I was happy to leave it at that. Luckily for us (yay), this is the internet and 17 of my loyal fans (yeah, like 17 people even read this column. That was a good one, Grayson) are writing to me as you read this to give me gory details about "Brokeback Locker Room". I just can't quit you, Vader.
Moving quickly away from that disturbing visual, Serge cleanses our palates with a suggestion for a future.
Great theme for a column. Looking back to things its good to see what one circumstance can affect so many things. I would suggest you to do the same with the Lita/Matt/Edge innuendo that ended up affecting them as well as others.
I put this up not only to get the image of Vader's naked nutsack out of my head, but also to make a point. Readers, please feel free to offer suggestions of columns you'd like to see. I tend to only write what I feel like, so I can't guarantee I'll listen to you, but like gifts of cash and breast implants for my girlfriend, suggestions are always appreciated. I hadn't thought about the Lita/Hardy/Edge thing for a column, but I'll probably wind up doing it in the near future. Thanks go out also to Matt and Oscar for your suggestions.
Next, we have Frank, who's wondering about all those "Welcome to Grayson County" signs I have on my lawn:
Good column. Have you ever been to Grayson County, Texas? It's very backwoods on the border with Oklahoma.
Never been. Yep, got nothing to say. You know my favourite thing about Texans? How you all get to call all males "son" and all females "little lady" regardless of your respective ages.
(See, that was that forced humour that Jobez was talking about. Let's quietly move on.)
Finally, since I'm sick of writing, I end with Dan, who writes to me all the way from England, where they battle dragons and all think they're pirates, to point out some things I missed:
Hi, I really like your new column, but I think there are a couple of people you may have missed out on that are effected by Kurt Angle's move to Smackdown.
1) Rey Mysterio
If Angle hadn't come to SD, Rey would probably have gone to face Orton one-on-one at WrestleMania 22 for the title, but that's not the main effect. Because both Angle and Rey are faces, and they have the whole respect thing going on, Rey (to me anyway) looks like a charity case (not saying he is, but its what it looks like) because Angle always sticks up for Mysterio (see Celebration, JBL's Great American) and it seems Rey can't stick up for himself, which may diminish his title reign.
2) Batista
When he comes back, he will become the 3rd real title threat (no way am I counting Mark Henry as a threat, or JBL while he is US Champ) and also become the 3rd face in the title picture. This will most probably mean he will be turning heel because Angle has only just become face and Rey a heel? I don't even need to explain why not.
Again, good column, can't wait to read next week's.
Dan, from England!
First of all, good grab on the Rey Misterio thing. I never even thought about how Angle's presence has served to diminish Rey's title reign. An excellent addition to last week's effect. As for Batista, I thought about him, but frankly, he's been out since Angle made the jump and there were too many different ways his return could go so he didn't make the cut for the issue. Still, good call on Misterio. That's what "The Butterfly Effect" is all about!
OK kids, I'm starting to feel the stinging pains of sobriety, so it's time for me to go. Join me next week when I steal my topic from one of the other new columnists and then claim my column is better than theirs. Until then, just sit there and try not to think too much about Vader.
