News From Cook's Corner 05.04.06
Posted by Steve Cook on 05.04.2006
Backlash, ROH in Dayton, and Molly Holly! You can't go wrong with this one...
Hi everybody! I hope you've had as good a week as I have, and I hope you enjoy this column because there's a lot of me in it. That makes no sense, but…it's accurate.
Opening Thoughts
How come the Heat recappers never try to take shots at me? I only get Domingo making fun of my taste in women and Prag trying to get me to bow down because of a questionable case result.
Hogan was GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY damn it.
You ever get so drunk that you start hiccupping, say things like "Why am I sooooo drunk?" in a high pitched voice to nobody in particular, and sing along with music on the jukebox? Yeah, me neither.
And how come I always get cut off when I'm just about to mack on a chick? It's just my luck, I guess.
The bosses don't like it when I talk about other websites, but somebody has to mention this…what the hell happened to Inside Pulse? They used to be a somewhat mediocre website, but now they run fake newsbites about Lance Storm molesting students in his wrestling school (since when was molestation funny anyway?) and fake columns making fun of guys who don't work for them anymore. Don't get me wrong, I'm no big fan of Chris Hyatte, but who was the rocket scientist over there that thought that making a column imitating him was a good idea? Probably the same guy who thought that "Oklahoma" was going to draw a lot of ratings, or that Kevin Nash doing a bad Vince McMahon impersonation would put butts in the seats.
See, I have to go to sites like that when I can't get anything here to load. These banner ads can kiss my *Expletive deleted by management to keep sponsors buying space here*
We're combining all wrestling news into one section this week, so I can stroke my ego and talk about my experiences at wrestling shows. Anybody got a problem with that?
You do?
Ah, piss off.
Wrestling news
There are two major stories this week, and both of them were the talk of the town in 1997. First, we have the expected reunification of Degeneration X. WWE sources are indicating that there will be a DX reunion at Vengeance, as did an ad for the PPV on the Viewer's Choice Canada website that was later pulled. WWE didn't expect anybody to pick up on it, but they should have known better because every single Canadian wrestling fan has a computer. It's true!
Plenty of people will tell you why bringing back DX is a terrible idea, but I will not be one of them. The fans seem to want it, so why not give them something they want? Like the old saying goes, the customer is always right…except for when they like the Spirit Squad.
Luckily you won't see much of that outside message boards.
The other big story is the impending return of ECW, which was hinted at by Joey Styles "quitting" Raw on Monday night. Jim Ross will replace him on Raw, to the surprise of hopefully nobody. ECW is still expected to take Velocity's old place of taping before Smackdown, which I consider to be a pretty bad idea. ECW in a Smackdown arena? It just doesn't sound right.
In related news, PWInsider reports that there is talk of bringing in talent from ROH & CZW for the new ECW. Well, they'd be stupid not to consider it. ROH has talent that can fill the Benoit/Malenko/Guerrero/Scorpio slot in ECW, while CZW has talent that will butcher themselves much like the Rotten brothers, the Dudleys, and about anybody else you can name from the good ol' days in ECW. Why not bring in guys like that, especially since the old ECW talent isn't getting any younger.
WWE has acquired the OVW tape library. I'm surprised they didn't do this sooner, quite honestly. It makes sense to have the tapes of your developmental promotion at your disposal, right? It sucks for the people who buy it off of ROH or OVW, but what can ya do. Some are already speculating that this could be the end of OVW…I don't see that happening yet though. The show does well in Louisville, and the talent coming out of there has been mostly good. Besides, the Deep South Wrestling territory is considered by many within the company to be a complete disaster, and moving all their developmental talent there probably wouldn't be a good idea.
If you want John Cena to do an autograph session at your venue, it'll set you back $10,000. That's the highest in WWE…it's just a shame that he isn't over and nobody wants his autograph.
Call your mama, Mikey Batts is on Smackdown this week! Wooooooooooohooooooo! In other talent news, developmental diva Tranisha has been released. It's an outrage, I know.
Randy Orton has problems with women! I have problems with them too, but his seem to be a lot different than mine…a site crediting the Wrestling Observer newsletter says that he wants women to treat him like he's God's gift to women, and doesn't take it well when they don't. Not taking it well means using abusive language. The article I read doesn't say if that has something to do with his suspension, but I assume that it probably doesn't help matters. You gotta treat women with respect, even if they treat you like shit.
Not that I have any personal experience with something like that.
You might have noticed Jonathan Coachman's absence from the announce booth on Backlash and Raw this week. The rumor is that Coach will be making the transition to a managerial role, potentially working with Shelton Benjamin. That would be a good fit because Shelton can't talk his way out of a paper bag and Coach is probably a better fit as an annoying heel manager than as a co-host with JR & Jerry Lawler right now.
Tickets for TNA's Hardcore War at the ECW Arena are selling very well, as the $125 and $35 seats are already gone. WWE will be running an ECW show at the Arena on June 24th. Does this mean it's officially the ECW Arena again? I hated it when they renamed the joint for no good reason.
Homicide is not happy with the way he has been used recently in TNA. Or the way he hasn't been used, I guess you could say. He has expressed this to TNA management much to the consternation of Konnan, who would like Homicide to remain employed. I would too, but you're not going to keep Homicide from pissing on people that piss him off, or just pissing on people in general. It happens sometimes.
Dawn Marie is interested in TNA, but not until she drops about 16 additional pounds. How did she come up with the number 16? It seems like a random amount of weight to lose to me.
There are no plans for TNA to use Buff Bagwell & Lex Luger as wrestlers, they were just brought in to do the angle with Sting. I was prepared to hate the whole shebang, but I actually enjoyed it because Luger came out looking like the captain of the Love Boat. I need a suit like that.
Austin Aries & Roderick Strong will be working in the Dragon's Gate promotion in Japan in the near future. No return date has been set for Aries' return to TNA, which is a damn shame because the ridiculous character he was using there was getting over and he doesn't use it anywhere else.
For those of you who were wondering whatever happened to Molly Holly, she will be appearing at the SHIMMER DVD taping on May 21st in Berywn, Illinois. She will not be wrestling, but you can still meet her and get her autograph or something.
She looks to be in better shape than most retired wrestlers.
ROH Weekend of Champions Night 1
The Dayton crowd looked a little thinner than usual. There are probably some good reasons for that, but somehow I doubt it had anything to do with two circuses being in town like some message board posters suggested. Pretty good show though, so the people who weren't there missed out.
We missed the first dark match, but got there in time to see Chad Collyer finish off some ROH student. I have no idea who it was. Second row seats still rule, by the way. I was in my Nigel shirt that I purchased at the last show and my black Reds hat. It's nice to represent for a winning team.
Match 1: Colt Cabana defeats Jimmy Jacobs (w/Lacey)
Whoever started the thing where you hold up your cell phone and wave it to the song during Jacobs' entrance is a genius, because it was really fun to do. This was exactly what I was hoping it would be, a good fun comedy match with some nice spots. It was the MOTN for a good portion of the night.
Jim Cornette & Ace Steel came out to set up the 6-man later on in the night. Cabana agreed to be in the fight. Ace is a good promo when he keeps it short. "SOMEBODY'S GONNA DIE!" Hilarious.
Match 2: The Irish Airborne defeated Jay Fury & Spud
The IA had a good following in Dayton since they're pretty much from there. The match….not so good. There were some cool aerial spots, but the IA guys flew over their opponents most of the time they tried to hit something. Weird.
Match 3: Delirious & Jimmy Rave go to a draw
There have been conflicting reports about this match. There should be no conflict because this match sucked ass. Furthermore, it was not Delirious' fault. He wasn't the one who wasted 5 minutes walking around the ring like a jackass, or the one who spent another 5 minutes trying to rip tape off of Delirious' hand. You know a match is bad when it goes to a draw and a "5 more minutes" chant is tepid at best. On the bright side, Delirious is still one of my favorite wrestlers even though he can't carry Jimmy Rave, and Daizee Haze is sooooooooo hawt.
Hell, she should have been the one wrestling Delirious. The match would have been so much better…
BJ Whitmer cut a promo and then Claudio Castagnoli beat him up right in front of me. I took care of the fans around me by yelling "Get out of his way!" while Claudio ran by. See, if I had been in Toronto Chris Hero wouldn't have had to break a fan's nose by punching him.
Match 4: Nigel McGuinness retained his Pure Title over Christopher Daniels…by countout?
The match started out slow, and the fans were slow to get into it, but it was going along pretty well until Nigel decided to throw a photographer into Daniels and sneak into the ring, getting a victory by countout. It was an inventive finish, but not one that the crowd appreciated at all.
Intermission time! I met up with 411's own Ron Gamble just before he went on hiatus from this site. I wonder if that's just a coincidence. I saw Jim Cornette signing autographs for 10 bucks, but I didn't get one because of The Stone Cold Principle. If I can get an Austin autograph for 5 bucks at a car show, I shouldn't pay any more than that for anybody's autograph. I did purchase this t-shirt though. It looks fucking awesome.
Match 5: Flash Flanagan defeated Apocalypse in the "Who the Fuck are these Guys" match
The crowd shit on this one, and I couldn't blame them. Didn't Flash used to be good?
Match 6: Bryan Danielson retained his ROH World Title against Jimmy Yang
This match lived up to my expectations for it, which were higher than most people's. I figured that Danielson could get the awesomeness out of Yang and do his usual thing that owns the earth, and he did just that. Danielson is just so awesome that you forget he's under 200 pounds and not that big. And unlike Rey Mysterio, he doesn't look significantly shorter than everybody else. The only downside of this match was the jackasses that yelled "Let's Go Wang". Fucking ridiculous.
Match 7: ROH Tag Team Champions Austin Aries & Roderick Strong defend against Samoa Joe & Matt Sydal
Sometimes you wonder why the Tag Team title match is going on after the World title match. But then you watch the Tag Team title match and you say "Ah…I understand." Aries & Strong make one hell of a team, and Joe is always over with the people. It made for a pretty damn good match that might be my MOTN if I was pressed to name one. Sydal took some sick moves too.
Afterwards, Joe said he wanted to whoop somebody's ass. If anybody knows about getting their ass whooped by Samoa Joe, it's Necro Butcher. So he ran out and exchanged punches with Joe to the delight of the crowd. After much shenanigans, the main event result was like this:
Match 8: Claudio Catsagnoli, Necro Butcher, Super Dragon & Nate Webb (CZW) beat BJ Whitmer, Adam Pearce, Ace Steel, Colt Cabana & Samoa Joe (ROH)
Talk about a hardcore war, this brawl had stuff happening all over the arena. That was definitely part of what made it work well, because every section of the crowd had something to watch. Some matches here before have gone into the crowd, but only that portion of the crowd could watch and the rest of us couldn't see shit. This match had something for everybody, and I'm not sure my words can do it justice. Highlights included me almost getting taken out by a flying Castagnoli until my friend told me to get out of the way, us handing Whitmer chairs to hit Claudio with, Cabana doing a Nestea Plunge through a table in a damn sick spot, Super Dragon looking like he threw up in his costume, Necro Butcher getting suplexed off the top of the bleachers, and all sorts of crazy shit.
Very good show, as usual from the ROH crew. After catching my breath at home for a day, I went down to Lexington.
WWE Backlash
The consensus opinion on Backlash is that it wasn't a very good show. I think it might have been better from where I was. Heat was especially enjoyable…being behind Maria is a good place to be, especially when her underwear is showing. I was next to some kid that was a John Cena fan…he said he wanted Maria to kiss him. I asked why he didn't ask her. Then he said "Why don't you?"
It's not often that I get punked out by a kid, but…
Anyway, I was representing for HBK & HHH with my Bad Blood 2004 t-shirt. I purchased a Backlash t-shirt. I like getting event t-shirts because they're unique. And they help me remember shows that I've been to long after they happen. My memory kinda sucks like that. But, Heat was fun. We made our way to our seats in time for the Heat match…
Heat Match: Goldust defeats Rob Conway
Conway's entrance music has actually grown on me after many months. And now that he's on the Wellness Program, he looks more like the solid wrestler he was in OVW than the Buff Bagwell ripoff he was turning into. He was also bringing some potatoes with him, as some of those punches he threw looked and sounded a little too good. One of the best efforts I've seen out of Conway in a long time, though the match was short and Goldust was just kinda there to do his spots. The crowd was digging it, so the match did its job.
Match 1: Carlito beats Chris Masters
After seeing Masters in person, I'm even more convinced that he has no business being in his spot. The guy blew a near-fall, for crying out loud! Carlito did his best to make the match watchable, and though it wasn't one of the greatest openers of all time, the Rupp Arena fans enjoyed it. Carlito is going to be a big star.
Maria says Chris Masters won the match. Wow. Why does Lita cut promos? If nothing else, it was a good excuse to imitate Hacksaw Jim Duggan.
Match 2: Umaga destroys Ric Flair
I expected Umaga to get the win, but not in three minutes. "Wooooo" is still the most heard phrase before WWE shows. There's not much else I can say about this other than it was really weird to see a wrestling legend lose to Jamal in less time than it takes me to go to the bathroom. Thumb to the throat, and….that's it? Lame.
The Vince stuff was really bad. Some people were laughing at it, but all I could do was sit in my seat and wonder what the hell I was watching. That being said, Shane's bottle of water suddenly becoming wine was pretty cool.
Match 3: Trish Stratus over Mickie James by DQ
We had our hopes up after seeing Trish's outfit, but the match ended abruptly when Trish got injured and they had the weird as hell finish. I hope that wasn't the originally planned finish, because I would have been even more pissed off if that was the finish of a 10 minute or so match. There was some confusion as to what happened, but I did call the Trish injury and the spot in which it occurred. Yay me!
HBK cuts a promo and we yell "Suck It" at the end. Ah, good times.
Match 4: Rob Van Dam wins the Intercontinental Title from Shelton Benjamin
Now this was the good shit. Shelton might be a bad talker, but there's still no better pure athlete in WWE than him. RVD was impressive in his role and the crowd was solidly behind him. Good piece of business, though the result was never really in question. I was surprised to see quite a few people make their beer run during this match, and said "I sure hope the people who got their beer during this match enjoy Kane vs. Big Show".
Match 5: Kane & Big Show have the worst match of the weekend
I thought for sure that Delirious vs. Rave would keep that honor, but somehow these guys managed to outdo that atrocity thanks to terrible wrestling and an absolute bullshit finish with goofy "special effects". This was another moment where I was just sitting in my seat with my hand over my face thinking "What the fuck is this?" Big Show had a similar reaction on his face as he walked up the ramp.
I didn't know Vince was one of those faith healers. I could have lived without that knowledge, though some people did find it amusing. It neared the "so bad it's funny" designation, but didn't quite make it there.
Match 6: The Father, Son & Holy Spirit Squad beat Shawn Michaels & God
I gotta admit, the God entrance was pretty funny. Some people didn't think too much of this match, but I got exactly what I expected and then some. HBK took three crazy bumps, the craziest of which probably being jumping off the top of the ladder onto the Spirit Squad, who were standing on the floor. That was pretty unexpected. Not a great wrestling match, but as far as sports entertainment goes, it was very effective. I could have lived without seeing the Squad, though. The crotch chops got a great reaction.
Vince got the double bird from us as he exited. It was really exhilarating to do…you don't know how long I've wanted to do that to him in person.
John Cena cuts a promo. The crowd is divided. I think it's hilarious.
Matt Striker on PPV. With Eugene. What did I do to deserve this? Frankly, it got a good reaction from the crowd, but I couldn't wait for the atrocity to be over. Another "What the fuck?" moment.
Match 7: John Cena retains the WWE Title against Triple H & Edge in the Match of the Night
Edge gets boos. Triple H gets cheers. Cena gets a mixture. I was laughing while looking around at the crowd, and Cena seemed to be too. The match worked really well because everybody in the arena had a rooting interest. Most of us were rooting on Triple H, but Cena had his fans out there too. A lot of them were women…hell, if I was Cena that's how I would want it. I would have marked out if Cena had hit that double F-U, as it was him getting H & Edge up on his shoulders was pretty impressive and even the "haters" seemed to notice that. Triple H tried to bleed to death, and he was a big part of making this match work. Edge's DDT on the Spanish table that refused to break looked really painful. Hell, I'll give Edge some credit because he did a good job in this match. Cena got the win, and that isn't such a bad thing even though most of the crowd (and myself) thought H had the thing won at the end. Triple H did get his revenge though, and we got to listen to Motorhead.
I love the new gimmick where he has the fans bow down to him. Classic. And it's fun to do, especially when he poses for our section after the show ends.
Was it the best PPV of all time? Probably not. But I had fun at the show, and at the end of the day that's all that really matters. Isn't it?
Plugs
As promised last week, this week we're plugging Wrestling Zone newbies! Well, not all of them, because people ripping off my gimmicks will not be mentioned in this column.
O'Dog is a born-again newbie, finally returning to the site with some Forgotten Goodness. Old school stuff is cool, so go check it out and learn something.
3 people? Yup, The Triple Threat features three different people with three different perspectives on the wrestling. It appears to be fair and balanced, so I approve.
Haven't We Seen This Before? Ryan Frank presents a column talking about the clichés of wrestling. If he's lucky, it'll last longer than that Video Clichés show MTV did for about a month. There should be plenty for him to write about.
High Road, Low Road from Rajah & Sal was pretty good. For the record, Rajah is right because the Spirit Squad sucks ass. I like the column though because they present two sides of an issue…it's something we could use more of on this site, quite frankly.
Shining A Spotlight is Michael Weyer's attempt to shine a spotlight on something. Wow, that description sucks ass. Anyway, Weyer talks about how putting the X Division title back on Samoa Joe was a mistake. I actually agree with that, so go read and join us in agreeance.
We also have new tape reviewers! Zach Barnett reviews matches on the WWE 24/7 Online service. It's a pretty good idea. Apparently he was a section over from me at the show, so I probably saw him getting a beer during the RVD/Shelton match.
And there's Ryan Mancuso, who doesn't have anything up yet, but is apparently going to review some of that Japanese stuff. Larry hired him because he needs a new stooge. Ever since JT grew a backbone, Larry's been missing that third stooge (Small & Slimmer are the other two, for those of you scoring at home…or even if you're alone) I'm joking, of course. JT hasn't grown a backbone.
Finally, we have The Butterfly Effect, named after an Ashton Kutcher movie that I didn't see because I don't watch Ashton Kutcher movies. I want to like this Grayson Hamill kid, but anybody related to Randle is bad people in my book.
Check out all of our new columnists! Unlike me, they still have the desire to do this stuff instead of getting drunk all the time.
Final Thought
Yeah, getting drunk all the time. That's why this column is in an hour or so late and I gotta close this one up without a true final thought. I'll leave you with this…Tuesday was my very last undergraduate class. As of May 13th, I will officially be a graduate of the University of Louisville.
If you ask me, that's pretty fucking sweet. The good thing for you is that now that I don't have that pesky schoolwork to do, I should have more time to devote to my column writing…until I find something else to do like maybe get drunk…or get a crappy job.
Let's hope that job thing isn't for a while though. I like doing this.
