The Sunday Small-For-All News Report: 05.07.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 05.07.2006
Two Words: Finlay’s Midget. What Else Do You Need to Know?
Man, Slimmer's all buddy-buddy with me, Larry believes I am a homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that), and Cook wants to feud with me, too. Either I am the most loved/hated Veteran Sensation here at 411 or we have entered the bizzaro world. At least, it still beats the WWE's attempt at creating 1998 all over again.
So welcome back to the staple of Sundays: the Sunday Small-for-All News Report. In today's edition, we take a look back at a rather uneventful week of wrestling. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind a slow week every once in a while; rather, it's just tough to get motivated when your top story is Finlay's midget.
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately for some of you), there are no surprises or fun activities today. This bad boy's been completed probably before Boman's Flip Side News Report was even written. So if there is any breaking news that I am missing, my apologizes in advance. However, since I have taken reigns of the Sunday slot (that would be January), I have never recalled there being any major Saturday news. All the good stuff seems to go to Randle and Csonka, but I won't complain.
With all that out of the way, let's get onto the show…
The 316 Words or Less Weak In Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
The fallout from Backlash (a horrible PPV in my book) was felt on Raw. The Spirit Squad, who helped McMahonism run wild, were all over the program as Kenny received a WWE Title shot against John Cena (and lost) and the rest of the crew took out the Freak Squad (Snitsky, Eugene, Goldust, and Incredibly Obese Black Man). Shawn Michaels used his May 19th T-shirt to help keep Rob Conway's body warm. Too bad, Kane had to sacrifice Conway to the WWE Film Gods. In much more important news (since the wrestling was pretty shitty throughout), Michaels and Triple H continued to hint at a DX return while Joey Styles quit and shot on the entire promotion to kick off the ECW revival.
Unlike Raw, Smackdown was much more wrestling heavy this week. Like Raw, most of the matches sucked. In the main event, Mark Henry (yes Mark Henry) defeated Rey Mysterio in a non-title match. I wonder if the WWE will even try to make Rey look good before he loses the belt to JBL. Finlay defeated Chris Benoit to advance in the KotR tournament. Too bad for Finlay he has to go through Lashley next. In other news, Booker T squashed Gunner Scott, the Gymini squashed Scotty 2 Hotty and Funaki, and a three-way dance for #1 Contendership in the Cruiserweight Division was halted by the Great Khali.
Impact this week was heavily on the rasslin' as Christian Cage defeated Alex Shelley for the NWA Title in a good match. In addition, AMW had quite a dandy with Chris Daniels and AJ Styles. AMW won, by the way, but the feud shall be continuing to Sacrifice. In other news, Team Mexico caught up to Team USA in the World Cup. Oh and I can't forget the latest in TNA Game Shows as the world witnessed the return of The Dogface Gremlin, Rick Steiner.
Looking over the results from the three shows, it looks like TNA Impact was your best choice this week. However, considering I did not watch any of them, I could definitely be wrong.
WWE NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODS
Let's Party Like it's 1998!!! Part Uno
The big news this week is that the WWE's revival of ECW is continuing to take shape. According to PWInsider, here's a list of the potential roster:
The names below are guys who have either signed or are expected to sign for WWE's ECW.
Full-time guys:
Rob Van Dam
Tommy Dreamer
The Sandman
Sabu
Al Snow
Axl Rotten
Balls Mahoney
Francine
Jazz
C. W. Anderson
Danny Doring
The FBI (Little Guido and Tony Mamaluke)
Part-time guys:
Terry Funk
Masato Tanaka
Yoshihiro Tajiri
Mikey Whipwreck
Joel Gertner
Other guys already under WWE contract or WWE has access to who could be used:
Roadkill
Kid Kash
Super Crazy
Justin Credible
Lance Storm
Stevie Richards
Johnny Swinger
Nova/Simon Dean
Announcers:
Joey Styles
Ring Announcers:
Steven DeAngelis
Bookers:
Paul Heyman
Tommy Dreamer
Other Notes:
WWE developmental talent CM Punk is expected to have a major role in the new ECW.
Did Psicosis get fired or something? His name is auspiciously missing from the above list and for the last two weeks, Super Crazy has performed in singles action. Of course, Psicosis might have been ringside the last two weeks, but I do not have the opportunity to watch Smackdown until Saturday nights.
Anyway, I must say that the roster is pretty pretty good. Outside of a couple of missing names, most notably Raven, Rhino, and Jerry Lynn (damn you TNA), the ECW roster is intact. Just as long as Justin Credible does not become into a full-time superstar then I would be happy.
Furthermore, CM Punk's involvement with ECW would be nothing but a good thing. Punk has a ready made character ("straight edge") AND he's been known to bleed gushers from time to time. Plus, if we are all lucky, the WWE would move Maria to ECW to work on her catfighting skills.
Also, in the world of ECW, according to PWInsider, " WWE is still trying to land a timeslot for ECW on the USA Network. No deal has been reached yet but most within WWE are confident that a deal will be reached. The general feeling is that ECW really needs a TV timeslot and cannot be an internet-only promotion. "
Well, no shit. An internet-only promotion has just as much chance of surviving as does Stephen Colbert if he went hunting with Dick Cheney. Sorry, I was really trying to use a wrestling joke but everything came back to Lita's vagina. Nothing survives there. Television is a necessity: if not for Spike TV, I have no idea what the state of TNA would be today. Plus, you know about half of the ECW mutants still live in their parents' basements and might still be stuck with 56K.
Let's Party Like it's 1998!!! Part Deux
The other "news" this week deals with the return of DeGeneration X. Personally, I do not care if DX came back. Why? Very simple: I have no interest in ever seeing X-Pac back in the WWE. Because you know he would come back to the WWE even if they only paid him in pennies. (Editor's note: It is possible to buy crack with pennies.) The only thing good with X-Pac's last run with the WWE was the X-factor theme song. For those of you who have blocked that out of your memory, here are the lyrics:
Yo, you dealin with the X-Factor...
I got everything I ever wanted
And I'll never give that back
Oh I know you hate X-Factor
But you ain't gotta look at me like that
I said you ain't gotta look at me like that
Now that shit is classic. Anyway…
So 411Mania reported that the plans for DX to return are "set" for June's Vengeance PPV. We know this because of Viewer's Choice in Canada's PPV description. In fact, the subtitle for the Vengeance PPV is "Are You Ready?"
In addition, on the Charolette Bobcats Arena's website (go find the link yourself), it states that DX will be returning alongside your favorite superstars including Matt Striker and Snitsky!!!
First off, I hate subtitles. It reminds me of the In Your House days, which for the most part were not that good. Then again with the quality of WWE PPVs being damn near unwatchable at times (New Year's Revolution and Backlash, I'm talking to you), maybe it's appropriate to bring back the subtitles.
As long as the video art is not Triple H's crotch in my face, I think I'll survive.
Secondly, I love how Snitsky is one of the featured superstars for the PPV. If he's lucky, he will be involved in a tag team championship match against the Spirit Squad. If he's not lucky, then we will all be thankful.
FINLAY's MOTHAFUCKIN' MIDGET!!!
According to 411, " NWA Wisconsin midget worker Shortstack has signed a deal with WWE and is expected to be brought in as Finlay's leprechaun. "
Man o man o man. Now this is the news that I need to know. Considering how Finlay's character is a no-nonsense fighter, it definitely makes sense that he needs a leprechaun companion. Either let the midget be Bad Santa-esque or have him rap in rhymes like the Leprechaun from the horror movies. Hell, I would love to see a plotline of the leprechaun trying to find goal in Teddy Long's office. Might as well have him tag up with the Boogeyman when he returns in September.
Hulk Hogan Energy Drink
According to its press release, "Pop culture icon Hulk Hogan has announced the release of his new energy drink "Hulk Energy Powered by Socko." Developed and produced by Bliss Beverage, "Hulk Energy" will be made available to retailers throughout Socko Energy's existing and expanding distribution network in the U.S. and abroad. The traditional Socko can has been redesigned and re-branded with a specially designed Hulk Hogan image. "
As long as the drink dyes my skin orange and allows me to grow a Fu Manchu, I would be down to drink it.
TNA NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODETTES
How TV Effects Morale
According to the Wrestling Observer, " The decision to change the TV format to less matches and focusing on the main guys has hurt the morale of the undercard guys. A lot of full-timers were told they weren't needed for television and that Dixie Carter was under orders to cut the budget, and while people were unhappy, some understood the reasoning, but that changed when they saw the likes of Christy Hemme, Lex Luger, et al brought in, and morale sank. Things were made worse when the fans made it clear they didn't really care for the old guys, because if they had, the people unhappy would at least seen it was a decision that made some sort of sense.
Man, when the introduction of Christy Hemme sinks morale, something is definitely wrong. Heck, normally most things would go up after being introduced to Christy Hemme. Heh.
Anyway, I must say that I am a fan of the three-match lineup. Sure the undercard guys might bitch about not being on television; yet, when they were, they were only there to be squashed by the larger names. Fans do not really want to see squashes and trust me, a squash does not give any exposure to the jobber. Taking an asskicking is not a gimmick. Even the Brooklyn Brawler had a character.
Speaking of morale and unique characters…
Kevin Nash Update
According to the Observer, " A series of taped interviews with Kevin Nash will air in the coming weeks. A few months ago, Nash told friends of an idea he had about the X-Division where he'd come in, rip on the division, destroy a bunch of them, but put AJ Styles over in the end. The first promo was, apparently, going to be something along the lines of Nash of saying that nobody pays to see you guys flip around the ring and that his living room cost more than these guys make. "You guys can fly. Fly all you want. People pay to see 7-footers". The word is the interview is incredibly arrogant, and indirectly buries everyone. "
My friends, Kevin Nash is a genius. Considering he pulled out of the company's main PPV due to an injury (while 90% of the roster probably would have worked through the pain) and his shelf life as a wrestler is getting smaller each day, Nash still finds a way to be put over. Hell, Nash did this same storyline in WCW and the end saw him squashing Rey Mysterio. TNA would be stupid not to invest time for a retired has-been to come back and pick apart their most noticeable trademark. It's bad enough that the WWE has the cruiserweight division buried underneath the remains of Lucy the dog. Furthermore, AJ Styles does not even need a push. The guy has been champion before and is one of the few true Faces of TNA. It would be more beneficial to have a Chris Sabin or a Austin Aries or a Chris Benoit to stick up for the little men.
Then again, the undercard will just be happy that a fourth match will return to TNA's lineup. Can't see a Nash squash go longer than 90 seconds.
Homicide Not Happy
According to the Wrestling Observer, " Homicide hasn't been happy over a lot of things, such as not being booked for TV and getting whipped on the PPV and not getting any comeback. He's also not happy about not getting a good singles opponent which, combined with being given no indication of what TNA are going to do with him next, make him think TNA don't know what to do with him."
You know Homicide should be mad but at least he gets TV time. Has Jaime Noble even appeared on Smackdown since his return last November? Sure Homicide gets bitched out against the James Gang, but it could be worse. He could be stuck in the feud with the Dudleyz and get stiffed the entire match.
The First Offspring of WWE and TNA is…
According to wwe.com, WWE's Charlie Haas and TNA's Jackie Gayda are expecting their first child together.
This just in, Jackie Gayda has been released from her TNA contract.
Ryan Byers is a fan of cheap wrestling. Read all about his recent additions to his vast library here
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Well kids, this marks the end of another edition of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. Tune in next week when there's better news. At least, I hope there will be.
Randle's in tomorrow.
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
