The Wrestling News Experience: 05.08.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 05.08.2006
DX can't return, Trip just got a new Motorhead theme that we haven't gotten tired of yet.
Hey, I used to like "The Game", until it became a five minute intro segment every week.
Good morning everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle, and boy...am I tired right about now. Seriously, the only thing keeping me upright is my impending midnight column deadline. And even then, I'm having long pauses of staring into space, thinking about nothing. I had forgotten having a real job was hard work.
Decent week for the Blue Jays, the second round of hockey's started and I haven't watched a full game yet, plus, Grey's Anatomy was quite depressing tonight. How could a man possibly be humourous after that? Simple, it's what I do. Also, I'm at that stage where I'm so tired that everything seems funny. It's a good place.
Onward we go, then.
Around The Horn
Well, which big news shall we deal with first? The ECW stuff, or the obvious set-up for the return of DX? Wait, I have a great idea...Mad Libs! Grab a pen and play along, won't you?
No really big news this week on the return of _____. Lots of rumours out there, though, some involving the upcoming PPV, ________. Apparently some advertisements have come out promoting _____________ for the PPV, but they were quickly changed, removed, or shown to be false. However, that hasn't stopped wrestling fans on newsboards across the Internet to speculate about all the possibilities that come from the return of _______. Many ideas are, of course, ridiculous and poorly thought-out fantasy booking, but a consensus seems to be that this could be the _______ idea in the history of wrestling, or at least in the last while. This reporter is still cautiously optimistic, remembering that WWE has screwed up nearly exactly the same situation back in ____, with poor booking decisions done to appease the wrong people, but with _____ in charge of booking the angle, it has the potential to be ________. The real question is, where does this leave WWE Champion John Cena, who will likely be dropping his title as part of this angle. Well, at least it's my only question. Your questions are irrelevant. But, concerns aside, it looks like one way or the other, it's the return of hardcore action, sexual overtones, and juvenile delinquents running around. I hope you're all happy.
How did you do? Was it as much fun for you as it was for me? Actually, who cares, it was fun for me.
Eric Bischoff is writing a book, tentatively titled "How To Lose 80 Million Dollars a Year Without Really Trying". Okay, I know the 80 million dollar losses weren't technically his fault, but bear with me. No word on how much editorial control Vince will have over the book, but it's Vince, so I assume total.
WWE has signed a midget wrestler who will be brought in as Finlay's leprechaun sidekick. Because he's Irish, get it? Ye gods...it's like WWE Creative isn't satisfied with creating crappy gimmicks, they have to make good gimmicks that have been working crappy in order to justify their paycheques.
Morale is dropping in the TNA locker room, as TNA's decision to stop showing quite so many squash matches on Impact in favour of fewer, longer matches involving top talent has left much of the lower card unused for a few weeks. Now, I feel for those guys who need this for a paycheque, but reports are that TNA is still hemorrhaging money at nearly every pore, and one of those things that contribute to massive expenses is their fairly large roster. Consider that TNA has almost as many wrestlers under contract as WWE does, without the massive cash reserves. So TNA is making an effort to promote all their high-card talent on Impact, a show which exists to set up things for the PPVs, which is where the money is. It really makes correct financial and promotional sense. But on the other hand, won't somebody think of the poor jobbers?
Meanwhile, Smackdown ratings are dropping like rocks...well...slowly falling rocks of some kind. Maybe moon rocks. This is cause for concern among people who know anything about ratings. I am not one of those people. Moving on.
And before I leave this segment, as my usual PSA for Canadians, due to the hockey playoffs, Raw tonight will air on tape delay on TSN at 10 pm, or whenever the game finishes, with the usual midnight replay. Now you know.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 05.01.06
WWE
- Ashley, RAW, out two months as of February 20 (broken leg)
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Hardcore Holly, SD!, out indefinitely (staph infection)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Kurt Angle, SD!, out indefinitely as of April 29 (cracked ribs)
- Randy Orton, SD!, out a minimum of 60 days as of April 12, 2006 (suspension)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- The Boogeyman, SD!, out four months as of April 2 (torn biceps)
- Trish Stratus, RAW, out six weeks as of April 30 (dislocated shoulder)
- Val Venis, RAW, out 6-8 weeks as of April 3 (shoulder surgery)
TNA
- Andy Douglas, TNA, out indefinitely (kayfabe, Steiner-related injury)
- Austin Aries, TNA, out two months as of February (suspension)
- Jeff Hardy, TNA, out indefinitely (informal suspension)
- Monty Brown, TNA, day-to-day as of March 18th (knee surgery)
Transactions
- Jim Cornette, TNA, signed to a contract as of May 7th
A coup for the promotion, as Cornette is one of the premiere wrestling minds and promo men in the business. Also, his Southern-style wrestling roots will fit in perfectly with TNA. The downside is, it's another segment of Impact taken up not by a match, but by a former WWE guy trashing his former promotion. Won't somebody PLEASE think of the jobbers?
- Jimmy "Akio" Yang, signed to a WWE contract
Speaking of jobbers, looks like another one has run to where the money is. So, when IS the next round of WWE roster cuts coming, anyway?
- Shelley, SD!, debuted on May 5th Velocity
And you may be saying "Who?", but for those loyal enough to watch Velocity (well, watch Paul Birchall, anyway), she's his new valet, who also, coincidentally, dresses as a pirate. No idea who she used to be, anyone want to fill me in? Oh, and before I forget, great idea having Birchall debut a new valet, after a couple prominent weeks on Smackdown, and then job cleanly to the Road Warrior and a sloppy powerslam. Simply amazing, sometimes.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 05.09.05, and apparently Family Guy had returned to the air, as I was liberally quoting the episode I'd seen that night.
Also, much like now, everyone was getting cautiously hyped up for ECW One Night Stand. It's actually hard to say which year was more cautiously hyped. Last year, they had the DVD, and all the wondering what would happening, and if Vince would let Paul Heyman do the show without restrictions, and even if the location would sell out due to overpriced tickets (I alone was unworried, and was proven correct. That's right, once again, Stephen Called It. Eat it, Colbert.). This year, we've got the whole "ECW revival" and the third brand and all that, so everyone's worried about how that's going to turn out. Maybe we just like to worry. No wonder all Internet columnists cite "stress" as reasons for quitting.
Actually, reading this old column, it reminds me of something. Now that we can't speculate on Bret Hart's return or ECW's return, there is actually still something left to talk about on slow news days: WWE eventually pushing the cruiserweight division in a meaningful way! Sure, it'll never happen, but just think of the opinions we could have! And it works for the tag division, too.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Whoa, I'm short on time again. No witty plugs this week, their presence is all that matters to get you to read them anyway, right?
Small and Boman had Sunday and Saturday news reports.
And in deference to Larry's animal need for plugs, here's this week's edition Fact or Fiction, where I completely dominated him in every sense of the word. Yes, even that.
The Gab Bag
Bill Gates, a longtime reader and close, personal friend who won't forget me when the new Windows takes over the planet, wonders if Steph is currently away from the creative team due to her pregnancy, citing some improvement in the quality of Raw storylines. While I'm sure there'll be a short period in there when she does have to stay away, I'm going to have to say no, remembering that Trip and Steph did buy themselves a tour bus for the express purpose of having it around to take the baby on the road. So, I doubt pregnancy would stop her from travelling. Also, can you see a McMahon admitting weakness like that? She'd never live it down.
And RC requests that I use spoiler tags, specifically in reference to JBL facing Rey at Judgement Day and possibly beating him for the belt in order to face RVD at One Night Stand. Whups, I did it again. See, in the past, I have used spoiler tags for news that I consider particularly spoilerish. By which I mean, it's real, confirmed news that it 100% true and will absolutely happen in the future. Well, 100% true in wrestling, which is roughly 35% true for the rest of the world, give or take. Anyway, since JBL beating Rey and facing RVD at One Night Stand (oops) is nearly 100% rumour and conjecture (which, ironically, is 2000% rumour and conjecture everywhere else), I felt no need for anything like spoiler tags.
Also, you're reading a wrestling site for behind-the-scenes news. Expect to see spoilers. Embrace them. Love them like your own children. If you don't have children, then love them like your Boba Fett action figure.
What? Fett rocks.
And One To Go On
Life is a balancing act between the need for a paying job, and the need to not exhaust yourself so much that you can't do anything when you're not working. Some day, I'll figure out how. How about you?
411 will have live coverage of Raw tonight starting at 9 pm EDT, and as mentioned, it will be on tape delay in Canada, starting at 10 pm (later if the hockey game goes long), and replaying at midnight. This means Canadians no longer have to choose between 24 and Raw, but can watch both. That's right, envy us.
Larry's in tomorrow, barring working myself to death I'll be back next week.
