Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 05.11.06: Sam Goody is DYING
Posted by Ryan Byers on 05.11.2006
Everybody's favorite music store is in dire straights . . . and, so am I, because I decided to jump on the bandwagon and talk a little ECW.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. As always, I am Ryan Byers, and this week we're going to be talking about a rather sensitive subject: Death. Fortunately it's the death of a chain of stores and not anything that was ever actually alive, so it's a little bit easier to discuss. Thank god it's not the death of a puppy. Puppies dying makes me sad. :-(
Before we get to that, though, a reader wanted to share a little bit of information about the product I reviewed in last week's column Take it away, Steve:
Hey...regular reader of your column, I read your most recent one and had a few answers for you on somethings about music.
Ktel was a record company that as I recall was really big in the 70's. They advertised on TV with various collections of hits and the like. They were one of the first companies I remember as a child using As seen on TV type things and had it on their record covers and such. I think they even manufactured a few gadgets to sell.
But back then it was original artists that they used on thier compilations. I had a few of thier
compilations and it was mostly disco music and the like.
Couple songs I noticed that you didnt mention as cover tunes and I wasnt sure you knew so I figured I would mention it.
Stranglehold, if its the same song, was an old Ted Nugent song that Kevin Von Erich used to come out to.
Anti Social is an old Anthrax tune and Im not sure if anyone ever used that as entrance music.
Cowboys from hell is an old pantera song, but again I dont know who, if anyone, ever came out to that song.
And thats all I had. Great column man, hope Im right on some of this and hope this might explain some of the choices for songs they made on that album.
And that's that. I was pretty cramped for time last week and couldn't do research to find out anything that I didn't know off the top of my head, so Steve filling in a few gaps is definitely appreciated. However, now that he's done, it's time for me to take this show back over.
Cheap Wrestling Tip #38: Funeral for a Friend
For reasons that I don't fully understand, numerous Sam Goody stores across the country have been closing their doors over the last several months. Though I don't fully understand these reasons, my guess would be that it has something to do with the chain's ridiculous practice of charging $5 - $10 more for any given product than their next closest competitor does. Granted, my grasp on economics isn't that great, but I don't think that people would actually enjoy throwing away hard-earned cash like that.
Anyway, Sam Goody is dying, so go ahead and call your local store to see if they are, in fact, closing down. If they are, chances are good that a massive "going out of business sale" is in the works. Over the last several months, I've been in four different Sam Goodys in two different states, and all of them were shutting down for one reason or another. The best part of this, of course, is that Sam Goody generally carries a large selection of wrestling DVDs from our pals at WWE and TNA as well as picking up larger indy releases from time to time.
The going out of business sales are all structured in the same basic way. When the sale is first announced, the discounts will all be relatively small, perhaps 10% - 20% off. However, as weeks go on, I've seen prices get as low as 80% off of the originally marked price. So, if there is a store closing in your area, the best bet is to not go and buy up its entire stock right away. What you should do is perhaps pop in to the store, browse around for a bit, and strike up a casual conversation with an employee or two. Find out exactly when the store's last date of operation will be and come back about two weeks before that date. This is when prices are bound to be their cheapest. Even if you can't wait that full amount of time, I wouldn't suggest buying anything until prices are at least 50% of. Because Sam Goody's normal prices are outrageously high, you're not going to be getting any sort of deal with a 20% or even 30% discount. You'll just be paying the average cost of a DVD coming from Amazon or Highspots.com. It's when you go below that half off mark that the savings actually start to appear.
This week, instead of just reviewing one DVD, I decided that I'd do something a little bit different. Since the last Sam Goody sale I went to allowed me to pick up numerous wrestling titles, I thought I'd look at a few matches from each one so that the reader could get a full idea of the scope of what's available at one of these places. Let's begin that process right now, shall we?
DVD #1: Survivor Series 2003 Price: $6
As I've stated in previous columns, I love tag team matches in which the teams consist of three or more men. I don't know why, but there's something about the unique pairings of wrestlers and faster paced action that you see in these bouts that really makes me enjoy them. Because of this, the Survivor Series has always been one of my favorite WWF pay per views, even if the number of actual elimination matches has dwindled in the past several years. I've still got to pick up SS tapes and DVDs whenever I see them, and 2003 was missing from my collection. Let's take a look at one of the traditional Survivor Series bouts from that evening.
Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, John Cena, Hardcore Holly, and Bradshaw vs. Brock Lesnar, The Big Show, A-Train, Matt Morgan, and Nathan Jones in a Survivor Series Elimination Match
The face team is rather odd here, given that Cena had just turned and couldn't really be trusted, while Angle and Benoit obviously have history with one another. Holly, meanwhile, just wants revenge on Lesnar for breaking his neck, and Bradshaw . . . umm . . . well, Bradshaw is wearing some spiffy boots this evening. If you hadn't figured it out already, the heels were put together almost solely for their combined weight, which makes them the "largest team in Survivor Series history." That still doesn't make me care about Nathan Jones. Hell, the only thing that did was my learning that he used to have the ability to lactate.
The match starts as soon as Lesnar gets on the ring apron, as Holly jumps him and whips him to the steel steps. Hardcore shoves Brian Hebner in the process, earning him an immediate disqualification. When the bell rings, Bradshaw and Albert are in the ring, with the Train hitting an avalanche but jumping down on to a boot when he goes for the Vader Bomb. A second avalanche misses, and Bradhsaw gets the Clothesline from Hell for his the elimination. Show replaces Albert . . . and there's an immediate chokeslam and ANOTHER elimination. Cena is in and tries to get Show up for the FU, but he can't make it work.
Show tags Lesnar in to the ring, and Cena just can't take him down with shoulderblocks. A chop block does work, however, and Johnny boy follows up with a school boy for two. Lesnar cuts off his momentum with a lariat, however, and here comes Matt Morgan. Morgan gets a kneelift and a headbutt to set up a bodyslam. He misses a legdrop, allowing Cena to fire back with punches, only to be caught by a Morgan side slam. Having exhausted his moveset, Morgan tags in Jones, who gets a corner lariat and a kneelift on Vanilla Ice. There's another slam, and here comes Brock again. The WWE Champ tries to ram Cena in to the buckles, but John slips out and gets the throwback for two before tagging in Benoit, who gets a damn good reaction. The Wolverine chops away and hits his snap suplex before being hotshotted over the top rope. Lesnar brings in Show after that, and Mr. Wight gets a press slam, as though that should impress anybody by this point. The chokeslam is reversed in to the Crossface, however, but Lesnar makes the save. Show busts out some submission wrestling of his own, applying an abdominal stretch and getting the illegal assist from Nathan Jones. Way to make yourself useful, Nate! Show then lets go of the hold and hits his "hog log," but it only gets two. Benoit gets tossed out of the ring, and all of the heels maul him but the good guys make the save as we break down to our pier six brawl. The way this match was going early on, I'm surprised they all didn't get counted out right there.
When things regroup, Morgan comes in and stands on Benoit. Chris then ducks a big boot and gets a pair of low dropkicks on Matt . . . and here's Angle! Morgan eats the three German, and the heels tag turns running in on Kurt. Angle eats a German as well, and here's pier sixer number two. Once everybody's cleared out, there's an Angle Slam in store for Morgan, and that eliminates him. There's then a malfunction at the junction between Jones and the Big Show, leading up to the Aussie tapping to the ankle lock. Then, almost immediately, Lesnar runs in and hits the F5 to eliminate Angle from the match.
So we're down to two on two, with Show and Lesnar against Benoit and Cena. Benoit and Lesnar are paired off in the ring, and the Crippler is stomping the hell out of his man. He runs in to a back elbow, but Benoit then turns an F5 in to the crossface . . . but Brock gets in to the ropes. The hold is quickly reapplied, however, and the WWE Champ surprisingly taps cleanly in the middle of the ring. Show comes in to take care of Benoit with some open-hand chops, but he runs in to a low dropkick and gets taken off his feet by a top rope shoulderblock. Benoit then goes for the Crossface again, but the Show stands up and chokeslams Benoit. He turns around after the move, which proves to be a mistake, as Cena clonks him with a chain and hits the FU for the final elimination of the match. Benoit and Cena survive, which was a nice way to set up what was to come for them in early 2004.
Match Thoughts: If you didn't pick up on it from reading the play-by-play, this match was entirely too rushed for a ten man tag. I've always thought that bouts like these are the bread and butter of the Survivor Series, so why would you bother doing whipping through them like this? Would it have been too much to ask to cut one of the other matches and give this one some more time? I'm not just saying this because I like to watch long matches, either. The lack of time seriously handicapped the flow of the match in my opinion. When you have to get through so many pinfalls in such a short period of time, things come off as awkward because guys who normally couldn't be pinned in five or ten minutes are falling by the wayside in thirty seconds. On the good side of things, though, the wrestlers did make most of the limited time that they were given, making sure that there was almost no dead air in between the action. Plus inexperienced newcomers Jones and Morgan were well-protected, mainly staying out a match that they had the potential to stink up royally. I'll go with **3/4, as it was a good match but one that could have been a lot better with a few simple booking changes.
DVD #2: JAPW Revolution Price: $4
Normally Sam Goody only carries WWE or TNA DVDs, but you'll occasionally find something available from an independent group who has managed to get a national distribution deal. I was surprised to see this event available from Jersey All Pro Wrestling sitting on the shelf when I walked in to the going out of business sale, but it was something different and it was something cheap, so it was definitely going home with me. It even featured a match from two of my favorite flippy floppy indy guys in the country, which made the deal even sweeter. We'll be taking a look at that one, as well as a match from Balls Mahoney because he always surprises me with just how good he can be.
Roderick Strong vs. Sonjay Dutt
A pre-match promo convinces me that Strong should never be allowed within twenty feet of a microphone ever again. Armbarerry is the order of the day to start, and then Dutt busts out a standing moonsault when Strong drops down while coming off of the ropes. Rod comes back with a headlock . . . talk about contrasting styles. They do a weird looking counter sequence out of that, which culminates in Dutt sending his opponent out of the ring with a rana. Sonjay looks to follow up with the Asai moonsault, but Strong catches him over his shoulder and drops him throat first on the safety rail. For some reason, that doesn't accomplish much, as Dutt quickly recovers and sends his opponent in to the rail. That leads to Roderick being brought back in to the ring, where he's hit with a missile dropkick and the Tiger Mask backflip kick. Dutt doesn't stay dominant for long, though, as Strong catches him on the ring apron and hits a double underhook backbreaker the likes of which I've never seen before. He continues to work the back after that, going to the rear chinlock and posting his knee in to the Indian's lumbar area. Sonjay slips out after a while, but he doesn't escape a HYOOOOGE running kick to his back. He does come back with a wacky satellite submission hold, though, which leads in to a rana and a lionsault. That hits nothing but knee, and Strong moves in for a two count. Roderick gets in his fireman's carry gutbuster after that, and he moves in to a version of Jinsei Shinzaki's Heavenly Lock. The two guys reverse that a few times, with Strong coming out on top.
Strong tries to maintain his advantage by whipping Dutt off of the ropes, but Sonjay counters and hits a couple of big kicks to send Strong out of the ring. They fight on the floor a bit more, where Sonjay hits a unique variant on the 619. (He did the twist between the apron and the bottom rope instead of between the ropes.) That knocks Strong in to the audience, and Dutt follows him with a plancha from the top. A couple of knees to the head maintain Sonjay's advantage in the ring, and they lead in to a sambo suplex. A Macho Man elbow follows up, but it only gets a two count. Dutt makes a mistake at this point, going for a cross body block and getting hit with a couple of uncharacteristically mundane backbreakers from Rod. Fortunately, he hits an impressive over-the-shoulder version to complete the sequence. Rod goes for a series of German suplexes after that, but Dutt manages to slip out and gets a rana as the announcers use some lame hyperbole about how this is the greatest match ever. Meanwhile, Dutt goes for a Yakuza kick but gets caught in yet another impressive backbreaker. He can't capitalize, though, and Dutt comes off of the top rope with a beautiful font flip in to a huricanrana, which gets him the victory.
Match Thoughts: This was pure, non-stop, innovative action, which is always a great way to open up a wrestling show. It gets the crowd in to things and sets a good pace for the rest of the evening without having to use name wrestlers or a big money feud in your opener. I will admit that this particular match was a little bit spotty, with both guys (particularly Dutt) coming back way too quickly from big moves. However, that's one of the great things about Strong – the fact that so much of his regular offense centers on the back adds some psychology to the bout even when he's in there with the world's spottiest workers. On pure workrate, flashiness, and speed, I've got to give this one **3/4 even in the absence of a prevalent inter-match storyline.
Match Numero Cuatro: The Solution (Papadon & Havoc) vs. Balls Mahoney in a Handicap Match
The Solution run in immediately after the preceding match, punking out Fear and Margera with some good looking power moves. They demand a match, and Balls obliges to a damn good pop from the crowd. Surprisingly, there's mat wrestling to start between Balls and Havoc, including a Mahoney ankle lock. Havoc doesn't want to take any more of that and brings in Papadon. Papa also gets taken down, but he rallies and hits some hiptosses. Balls responds with the same, and then Havoc runs in. They do the old "crowd chants 'balls' while Mahoney punches" spot, but Havoc silences them by sneaking in a powerbomb on the ECW alum. Papadon follows up with a leg lariat and slaps on the chinlock before trading off to Havoc. A powerslam from the big man sets up a Papadon slingshot senton, and then the Solution team up for a Yakuza kick/Russian leg sweep combo. Another chinlock from Papa follows, and the play-by-play guy makes the stupidest joke ever: "Balls might go limp!" It's like he doesn't even know how a penis works. Mahoney tries to stage a comeback, but Papadon cuts him off with a bulldog and hits a double sledge from the second rope. A back suplex sets up a Havoc senton at this point, but Balls blocks a subsequent superplex attempt and punches Havoc off of the ropes. That leads to a frog splash from the chair swinging freak, and he gives Papadon a spinebuster for two. Havoc has recovered at this point, but he's taken right back down with a superkick. The Nutcracker Suite spikes Papadon, and Mahoney attempts to suplex Papa on a chair. Havoc spears him to cut that off, though, and the Solution pull a table out from under the ring. Havoc heads up to the top rope, but Rush Margera and Corvis Fear get a measure of revenge by crotching him. The youngsters also keep Papadon busy, allowing Mahoney to give Havoc the Nutcracker Suite off of the second rope and through the table. Needless to say, he wins the match off of that one.
He then joins the crowd in singing a heartwarming rendition of "Big Balls."
Match Thoughts: I always find watching Balls Mahoney oddly entertaining just because he's stereotyped as this big hardcore brawler with no wrestling talent. However, every time he wrestles, he busts out some pretty decent looking moves that you wouldn't expect from that sort of competitor. No matter how many times I see him wrestle, I just get suckered right back in to thinking he won't be worth a damn . . . and I always walk away pleasantly surprised. He did well here, landing some flashy offense in the beginning and selling well for the tag team when it was their turn to take over. Plus, though I'm generally not a fan of run-ins, it made sense here, particularly if the company wanted Mahoney to get the duke. This wasn't the best match ever, but it was very effective in accomplishing what it set out to do. *3/4
DVD #3: Mick Foley's Greatest Hits & Misses Price: $8
I held off on buying this DVD set when it first came out for two reasons. The first of those is that I absolutely detest Mick Foley's in-ring work from ECW, which comprises a large chunk of the two discs. It goes way over the top with far too many weapons shots and other shortcuts. It's a perfect example of getting way too hardcore for your own good. The second reason is that, of the WWF stuff shown here, the best of it was already present on Mick's earlier DVD release, Hard Knocks and Cheap Pops. However, with a price tag of only $8, I was willing to make the purchase to see some of the great WCW matches that were being included, as well as the unexpected SMW match against Chris Candido that somehow made the cut. In this column, we'll be taking a look at a couple of those WCW matches.
Cactus Jack vs. WCW World Heavyweight Champion Vader w/ Harley Race (WCW Saturday Night, 4/17/1993)
This is the first time that this match has aired in its entirety, as Foley provided his own personal footage to replace parts that WCW edited out due to excessive bleeding. Believe it or not, Foley apparently requested that Vader draw that blood. Yes, he ASKED Big freakin' Van Vader to bust him open. Three minutes in and we've already established that the star of our DVD is insane.
Right out of the gate, Vader makes Mick his you-know-what with multiple punches and forearms. I don't think I can convey how loud the sound of fist on face is here. . . some of those forearms were at Flair/Steamboat chop levels. Vader gets an avalanche in the corner and punches away again. . . and I believe that's the point where Foley's nose breaks. Mr. White goes for a second avalanche, but Foley grabs and slams him! Cactus then comes off of the top with a clothesline to take his opponent down, and a shoulderblock takes Vader to the outside. Jack then clotheslines him in to the rail, which collapses under the weight of both men. . . and, hey, let's clothesline Harley Race for good measure. After a commercial break, Cactus is headbutting Vader on the apron before going back in to the ring. The champion's head is bounced off of the turnbuckle for a bit, followed up by a sleeper. . . and Vader falls backwards. Splat. Vader goes back to bludgeoning Jack's face, and we've got our first shot of the blood. Mick is pounded down in the corner, and Harley Race chokes him for good measure. For some reason, that draws massive heel heat, but BREAKING THE MAN'S NOSE didn't. A Samoan drop sets up the Vader Bomb, but he won't go for the cover. Instead, the champ tosses Foley out for some more cheap shots from Race before heading outside himself. Harley holds Mick for a clothesline but, of course, Cactus avoids it, causing the heels to collide. Then, in the bump of the match, Vader takes a flying leap at Mick and bounces GUT FIRST off of the safety rail. That allows Foley to hit his somersault bodyblock from the apron and roll back inside for the count out victory.
Match Thoughts: In terms of a wrestling match, there wasn't too much here. Foley timed his comebacks well, and, generally speaking, the crowd got behind him. The real attraction, however, was the pummeling that Vader gave to Cactus' face. It was definitely a good way to set up a future rivalry and build Foley as a contender to the championship, but it's not a classic when watched in isolation from the rest of the storyline. ***
Cactus Jack vs. WCW World Heavyweight Champion Sting in a Falls Count Anywhere match (WCW Beach Blast, 6/20/1992)
This match features alternate commentary from Foley and Jonathan Coachman, which actually isn't too bad but does not come close to reaching the god-like status of Dave Meltzer and Jim Cornette on the Wrestling Gold series. Oh well, at least they don't lie nearly as much as Shawn Michaels did on HIS video compilation from a few years back.
We start with both men meeting on the entrance ramp, which is of the sort that directly connects with the ring. Punches are traded, and Cactus teases hiptossing Sting off of the apron, but it gets reversed in to a backslide for two. They run the ropes (yes, on the outside of the ring), and Sting ends it with a back body drop and a bulldog for two. After that, Jack backs in to the ropes, and the Stinger looks to splash him, but he misses and gets hung out to dry. The champ collapses out to the floor, allowing Jack to hit his elbow, which also gets two. A swinging neckbreaker leads to another nearfall, and Foley follows up with a sunset flip off of the apron for the same results. He then goes to send Sting's head in to the rail, but that gets blocked and reversed to nobody's surprise. Foley comes back and whips Sting in to the rail, but he charges and gets tossed in to the crowd, setting up a vertical suplex amongst the fans for two. Up next is our only blown spot of the match, as Mick is allegedly whipped in to and over the rail, but he's pretty clearly jumping. We head back in to the ring, where Jack gets a clothesline and a Harley Race headbutt drop prior to stomping away. A kneelift in the corner follows for the bad guy, and he then slaps on a bodyscissors so he can more effectively gouge at Sting's face. There's one that you don't see all too often.
Sting quasi-Hulks out of that, but he eats a Cactus clothesline for his trouble, and the fight is back on the floor. The champ hits the rail, but Jack runs in to his boot a couple of times to set up a lariat. Foley responds with a chair, which he then cuddles with as a means of showing thanks. It would cheat on him later, setting up a classic un-aired promo that's detailed in his second book. All product placement aside, Sting takes back the offense with a backdrop on the floor, and the two men trade pinning combinations. Yet again one of the competitors in this match takes an ill-advised charge, as Sting careens in to the guardrail. Jack takes the opportunity to hit him with a piledriver on the floor, which sets up an elbowdrop from the second rope. (Why wasn't it from the top? The answer is addressed in our IN DEPTH ALTERNATE COMMENTARY!) It doesn't hit as well as the Micker intended, though, and Sting takes him to task on the ramp with a bodyslam. Mr. Borden now has a chair, and he uses it much as you would expect, before whacking Cactus in the knee with it. He then goes for the Scorpion Deathlock but winds up accidentally rolling both men off of the ramp in a cool spot. Jack then tosses his man back up and hits a DDT for two, and Sting responds with a lariat. He then leaps off of the top rope with another clothesline, which nets the win in this non-title match.
Match Thoughts: I really enjoyed this one, but the pacing was a bit weird, as there was just ACTION ACTION ACTION in the beginning, followed up by a bizarre middle period in which the men just sat around for a while, which was then followed up at the end with more ACTION ACTION ACTION. Spreading things out more evenly would have been a more natural route to take, but this was at least better than matches in which two men just go out and do stuff to each other without even stopping to think about how it might affect their bodies or the later portions of the match. The best quality this match had going for it was that big moves were actually treated as BIG MOVES, as opposed to the ECW paradigm, in which you just pop up after everything and continue on as though completely unharmed. (Something that we'll see far too much of later in this very column.) Though it's not quite the classic that some people make it out to be, I'd still call this one a solid wrestling match that shows just how the hardcore style should be done. ***1/2
DVD #3: ECW One Night Stand Price: $6
Much like the Foley DVD, this is something that I wouldn't normally buy without a massive sale going on. I had no interest in seeing the pay per view when it actually aired last year, primarily because I hate ECDub and everything that it stands for. However, with so many glowing reviews on the net and such a low price tag, I conned myself in to believing that things might not actually be that bad. Oh, I was wrong. Here we'll be taking a look at the main event, as well as the match that most 'net fans seem to think stole the show.
Mike Awesome vs. Masato Tanaka
Shoving to start, and then we go immediately in to a belly-to-belly from Awesome. He follows up with a slingshot shoulderblock and a huge tope over the top rope. Masato is whipped in to the rail after that, but he's able to respond by tossing his opponent in to the crowd. A big jumping chairshot from the Japanese native follows, but he runs in to a boot and gets lariated on the floor. All of this in the first ninety seconds, ladies and gentlemen. Who needs pacing? Now Awesome sets up a table at ringside, and he maintains control with another clothesline. A running powerbomb off of the ring apron puts Tanaka through the table. The frog splash follows, but Tanaka is out of the pinfall attempt at two. Masato is then powerbombed, and here comes a chair. Tanaka's got one as well, but he is unsuccessful in his attempts at using them. Three big chairshots from Awesome still don't put Tanaka down, and he gets the Diamond Dust out of nowhere. He follows up with a tornado DDT on to the chairs, though it can't put Awesome away. Now Masato's up top with a chair, and he drives it in to a prone Awesome's skull. That doesn't end the match, and a German suplex/spear one-two gives the advantage back to That 70's Guy. He also hits a top rope chairshot, and another table is pulled out from under the ring. It's broken, so Awesome throws it aside and gets a different piece of furniture in. Tanaka then gets put placed up on the top rope, though he reverses a superplex in to a tornado DDT through the table. Now the Zero-ONE mainstay is on the top strand again . . . but he's cut off and given a sit out powerbomb down on to the remains of the broken table. Yeah, there's another freaking kickout. Table NUMBER FOUR gets introduced in to the match by the Career Killer, and it's set up at ringside. Naturally, that's the setup for the Awesomebomb from the table down to the floor. Horace Boulder's cousin follows it up with some kind of wacky dive/elbowdrop/god knows what, and that ends the match at 9:51.
There's also an Awesomebomb for the referee after the bell, as if this wasn't already overbooked enough.
Match Thoughts: I can now officially label this match as OVERRATED~! I can understand why it got all of the good press that it did after One Night Stand ended, because it was the most action-packed bout of the evening and the closest thing to a ridiculous ECW hardcore spotfest that the vampire fans got. As somebody who has never dug the ECW style, though, this did not do a lot to impress me. I prefer seeing men going out there and working smart as opposed to using every weapon under the sun to get a cheap reaction out of the fans. It's like the difference between building a good promo that actually plays off people's emotions, advances storylines, and draws money and walking out to grab the stick so that you can insult the local sports team. It's the in-ring equivalent of "cheap heat," and it leaves me shaking my head every time that I see it. I've seen these two men do much better, and they usually don't even have to bust out a table in order to accomplish it. 3/4*
Paul Heyman's out for a promo. He fakes crying for a little while but then blames it on consuming some illegal substances with Rob Van Dam. He thanks Tod Gordon, the fans, the academy, Elvis, Jesus, his momma, etc., and then yells at the WWE wrestlers for a while. This leads to the two lines that got the whole internet up in arms, namely "Matt freakin' Hardy!" and "You were WWE Champion for a year is because Triple H didn't want to work Tuesdays." That ends it. Much like the last match, this one got a ton of attention the next day, but I honestly don't see the big deal. Granted, Heyman said a couple of things that were funny, but that doesn't make it one of the top interviews of all time. It just makes it an interview with a couple of funny lines.
The Dudley Boys (Bubba Ray & D-Von) vs. Tommy Dreamer and The Sandman
I just want to say that the generic rock music that WWE used to replace on "Enter Sandman" on this DVD may be the single worst song in the history of mankind. It's literally one riff with no vocals that I'm forced to listen to on a loop for five straight minutes as fans get beer poured on them. Of course, before the match proper can start, the bWo invades, though sadly 7-11 and Thomas "Inchworm" Rodman are not present. They brawl with everybody in the match, and then Kid Kash runs in for no apparent reason. He's followed by Balls Mahoney andAxl Rotten, and the knockoff of "Big Balls" that WWE got is actually a decent sound-alike. The chair swinging freaks kill Nova dead with their chairs, but the Dudleys take them out. With everybody on the outside of the ring, Kash does an insane tope con hilo off the back of the referee. I'm trying to figure out what the hell is going on.
Eventually all of the extraneous guys fight to the back, and we're down to the four men who are supposed to be in the match. Bubba opens it up with a backdrop suplex on Dreamer, and there's a shot with the ever-present road sign. Tommy gets the cheese grater as well, and we have blood one minute in. Dreamer did a good job with it two, but it's in the completely wrong place in the match. Bubba misses his senton to cue Dreamer's comeback, but it's Tommy so he winds up a big loser and gets caught in a Dudley double team. Sandman saves and sets up Dreamer doing the Terry Funk ladder spot on Team 3-D, which he follows up by giving Bubba the grater. Sandman and D-Von are in the ring now, with Sandy swiping Raven's hardcore drop toe hold spot for a nearfall. The ladder is then set on top of D-Von, and Sandman does a swanton down on to the whole pile. He's chairshotted by Bubba seconds later, and then he eats a frog splash from the larger man while laying on top of the ladder. D-Von's found a Singaporean cane now, but he accidentally hits his own partner and gets caught in a White Russian legsweep. Dreamer and Sandman bust out double figure fours at this point, which sets up an Impact Players run in. Credible's got a barbed wire sphere, and he piledrives Sandman on it. Cue Francie, who kicks Tommy low, only to be taken down by Beulah seocnds later. It's a catfight until the Players yank Beulah away. Heel miscommunication results in both of them being dispatched seconds later. Tommy and Beulah team up for stereo DDTs on the Dudleys seconds later, but they can only get two. Poor D-Von winds up with a chair slammed in to his nether regions, but Bubba responds by caning everybody and yanking a table out from under the ring. Sandman is powerbombed through it, but of course that's not the finish. Dreamer's back in with the cane, but he walks in to a 3D, which is the prelude to table number two. Little Spike Dudley waddles down to ringside, providing his brothers with the necessary implements to light the table on fire. That happens, Tommy gets powerbombed through it, and the Dudleys win at 10:12. Next stop, NWA-TNA.
Match Thoughts: I once reviewed a show the main event of which was Abdullah the Butcher, Kevin Sullivan, Dusty Rhodes, and Terry Funk walking aimlessly around an old rodeo arena and periodically hitting each other with whatever weapons they could find. It was boring, it was pointless, and it was one of the single worst matches that I've ever seen in my life. I gave it -**. The fact that the men here were younger and the fact that the match was crammed with twenty different run-ins doesn't save this lame duck from suffering the same fate. -**
BUT THAT'S NOT ALL! Sandman clears the ring of Dudleys after the bell and starts yelling that somebody needs to give him a beer. Steve Austin appears to oblige him, and the same "ECW crowd" who booed Rey Misterio for doing the 619 goes apeshit for the biggest WWF draw in history, even doing the "What?" chant for him. Hypocrites. Austin calls out everybody from the ECW locker room, and he does get just about everybody. That leads in to the big challenge to the WWE heels, which of course was the real main event of the evening. Just as the fight is about to start, Taz (one "z") makes his presence known, and he looks about eight months pregnant compared to the footage we saw of him earlier on the show. The fight is on, and Taz chokes out Kurt Angle almost immediately. Sadly, no evidence of the infamous JBL/Blue Meanie "encounter" made the tape, though you can see Tracy Smothers and several other ECW alums suddenly rush Brdsaw at one point, which is alleged them saving the Meanie from whatever punishment he was getting. Odd how he decided to go after the obese comedy worker and not other guys in the ring that he had heat with like a much healthier Lance Storm, who could probably take care of himself.
Everything culminates with color commentator Mick Foley dragging Eric Bischoff in to the ring. He gets the 3D, Benoit's swandive headbutt, the 619, and the Stone Cold Stunner. Everybody's happy and drinking beer as we close the show.
Overall
Well, that does it for my look at the death of Sam Goody. Overall, I'd say that I got a pretty good little haul out of the closing of this store. Survivor Series 2003 rebounds from the problems that plagued the opening match, as it goes on to deliver a main event that probably closes in on the **** mark, with Shawn Michaels putting on a hell of a performance and doing a great job to put over a young Randy Orton. The JAPW DVD, though not awesome, winds up delivering some pretty good matches as well. Teddy Hart takes on Homicide in a match that, though not competitive, is interesting to watch in a perverse way because 'Cide absolutely murders the kid for about ten to fifteen solid minutes. Follow that up with a pretty technically sound contest between Christopher Daniels and Jerry Lynn and you've got yourself a show that earns an easy recommendation. The Foley set is great if you don't already have the matches on it, but I certainly wouldn't seek it out if you've already got the WWF bouts elsewhere. Those were essentially Cactus' greatest work, so I see no reason to buy a two disc set to get a bunch of matches that won't actually live up to them. As far as One Night Stand is concerned, take a pass unless you plan on listening to the hilarious alternate commentary track on which JBL buries the entire promotion about twenty feet under the ground. I may not have liked what he did after the main event, but he was certainly spot on with his assessment of that promotion, even if it was being done in character.
