The Wrestling News Experience: 05.29.06
Posted by Stephen Randle on 05.29.2006
I like to think that I have the same fanbase as the Sci-Fi Channel, too.
Good morning, everyone, and welcome to the Experience. I'm Stephen Randle, and tomorrow it's my mother's birthday. She doesn't read 411 because we curse far too much (I blamed Larry), but at least she's quietly resigned to the fact that I still love wrestling, and that's really all I can ask. Happy Birthday, Mom.
Anyway, the temperature here in Waterloo...Ontario, Canada (thumbs up) is rising to uncomfortable levels, and yet there's still hockey going on. Well, at least there's a Canadian team in the finals. And it's not Ottawa, either, so it's all good. Meanwhile, the Jays took two of three in both series last week to keep pace with the rest of the division, and Barry Bonds broke Babe Ruth's record. Except it's not really a record, since Aaron has many more. I actually hope Bonds breaks the record. And then spits on a picture of Aaron as he rounds the bases. Why the hell not? Lawton got caught with steroids too, you don't see that guy hitting 700 homers. In an era where a guy makes $25 million dollars a season and still gets pulled for a defensive replacement, and the second-highest paid guy can hide behind the phrase "Manny being Manny", why does Bonds get to be the scapegoat for everything that's wrong with the sport? Hey, Ty Cobb started a riot in Detroit at least once, and he's in Cooperstown.
That went on a while, didn't it? This is why Landsberg fears me. Okay, I'm off of the baseball soapbox, and on to the wrestling one. Proceed.
Around The Horn
ECW: One Night Stand II: The Search for More Money (screw Sloppy Seconds, how come nobody's picked up on this much better slogan yet?) is taking shape, and the real big news is the official announcement that the Sci Fi Channel will indeed begin airing ECW in June. Early word is that the Sci Fi Channel's forum immediately became overloaded by millions of posts decrying the decision to air wrestling. Not since the infamous "Kirk vs Picard" debates have such a large number of nerds become so inflamed with angry passion, cuddling their "Firefly" DVD's to their undeveloped chests as they shake their tiny ineffectual fists in the air in an impotent gesture of rage.
The Sci Fi Channel could not be reached for comment on the outcry, but insiders predict that they plan to ignore it and air ECW anyway. Hey, these are the people who cancelled Farscape, you think they care what you think?
Vince did an interview on WWE.com about ECW and its future. I'd recap, but Vince lies half the time and you can never tell which half is the lies and which half is just his own opinion, so your best chance is just to assume he said something vaguely disturbing about his sexual prowess.
See No Evil has, as of this posting, broken even on production costs for the film, passing the 8 million dollar mark this past weekend. It's actually kind of disturbing that we live in an era where a movie that cost 8 million dollars is considered low-budget. It seems like just a few years ago Kevin Smith was making Clerks using his credit card. And don't get me started on Clerks 2 being in colour.
Tonight, on Raw, a new General Manager will be announced, to serve as the ultimate authority figure. Unless Vince is on TV. Or Stephanie. And Linda's still really in charge because she leads the Board of Directors or something. Anyway, it was apparently originally supposed to be Dusty Rhodes, back when people still remembered that Vince was going to appoint a new GM back in January (like me), but now it could be Jonathan Coachman. Because why choose the lesser of two evils?
Speaking of Raw, once again in Canada it will air on tape delay tonight, at 12:30 am, due to...I think it's hockey again, I didn't check. But be warned, Canada!
Geez, 24's done and Hell's Kitchen doesn't start until the 12th. What am I supposed to watch tonight?
Also speaking of TSN and wrestling, they will be airing the WWE vs ECW special on June 7th at 9 pm. I don't know when it's on in America, and frankly, I don't care. Canada rocks.
Nearly lost in the shuffle, but sure to create the usual outcry, WWE is raising the prices of their monthly PPV's from $34.95 to $39.99, mostly because they can. And you're not allowed to complain, either, because we know you bought Armageddon 2005 and contributed to the buyrate on it. Shame on you, you gave them the hope of increased buys.
And the news about the annual draft lottery is that...there will be no draft lottery. Apparently WWE is quite happy with the brands in their current state, especially Smackdown's main event scene of Mark Henry, the Great Khali, Randy Orton, and Rey Mysterio, superjobber.
Wait a second, did I just say Randy Orton? That's right, the Boy Blunder, the Shawn Michaels for the new millenium (and not in the good, broomstick-carrying way), will be returning to action in mid-June, fresh, rested, and ready for his...what is it now, fifth or sixth chance to screw up his unending push? Is there any chance we can somehow get him in a match with Henry? I know they're both heels, figure it out.
And before I leave this segment, The Rock was in attendance at the UFC PPV last night. Please come back, Rock, we miss you.
The Injury Bug Bites
Inactive List as of 05.22.06
WWE
- Ashley, RAW, out indefinitely as of February 20 (broken leg)
- Batista, SD!, out indefinitely as of January 13 (triceps injury)
- Chris Jericho, out indefinitely (kayfabe, fired)
- Eric Bischoff, RAW, out indefinitely as of December 5, 2005 (kayfabe, fired)
- Hardcore Holly, SD!, out indefinitely (staph infection)
- Joey Styles, RAW, out indefinitely as of May 1 (kayfabe, resigned)
- Ken Kennedy, SD!, out six months as of December 5, 2005 (torn lat muscle)
- Randy Orton, SD!, out a minimum of 60 days as of April 12, 2006 (suspension)
- Rene Dupree, RAW, out indefinitely as of September 20 (hernia)
- The Boogeyman, SD!, out four months as of April 2 (torn biceps)
- Trish Stratus, RAW, out six weeks as of April 30 (dislocated shoulder)
- Val Venis, RAW, out 6-8 weeks as of April 3 (shoulder surgery)
TNA
- Austin Aries, TNA, out two months as of February (suspension)
- Jeff Hardy, TNA, out indefinitely (informal suspension)
Transactions
- Chris Benoit, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 26 (general injury)
After having an early Match of the Year contender with Finlay at Judgement Day (though it ultimately was a throwaway match that meant nothing, which will hurt the vote), Benoit has been taken off the road to heal some nagging injuries, mostly related to his surgically repaired spine. One would probably expect Benoit to return in some form at One Night Stand, or in the future of ECW. Unless WWE comes to its senses and realizes they need some actual credible talent on Smackdown.
- JBL, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 26 (kayfabe, quit)
JBL lost a match against Rey on Smackdown where he promised to quit Smackdown to earn this, if you missed it. There are a couple theories, first is that JBL just needed some time off to rest injuries, second is that he'll be the new Raw GM. On WWE.com, there is video of JBL "filing an injunction" against Teddy Long, because apparently verbal contracts are not valid and binding agreements. As anyone who goes on dates already knew.
- Joey Mercury, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 22 (rehab)
The immediate theory is that Mercury is the first casualty of the Wellness program, with a second potential victim on the way. Can you guess who? Come on, I bet you can guess. It's really not that hard. Okay, the rumour is Chris Masters. Surprised, aren't you? Keep in mind, this is totally and completely a RUMOUR. I have nothing to back this up. But really, would it shock anyone?
- Melina, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 22 (kayfabe, fired)
- Johnny Nitro, SD!, out indefinitely as of May 22 (kayfabe, fired)
These are retroactive to Judgement Day, as I totally forgot to put it in last week's column. Surprisingly, nobody actually bothered me about the error. I guess you're all just so used to me being right all the time.
- Orlando Jordan, SD!, released from his contract
A tragic end for 411's Worst Wrestler of 2005, bringing an end to the downward spiral that began when he lost the US title in 30 seconds because WWE finally realized he was completely useless. But they kept him around because there were apparently plans to make him a bisexual character. And they wonder why the Sci Fi nerds are upset.
One Year Ago This Experience
Originally posted 05.30.05, and it was Memorial Day weekend. Oh right, it IS Memorial Day weekend. Shows how much I remember. But then, Canada had their long weekend last weekend, when it was all rainy and cold, so nobody had any fun at all. Actually, we just stayed inside and got drunk on real beer. Weather is kind of irrelevant to us.
And since we were still two weeks away from ECW: One Night Stand, my columns were actively getting shorter by the week. I can literally see the downgrade in quality happening as I go back. Why didn't anyone tell me? Okay, I'm being needlessly harsh, but being critical of your past work is necessary if you want to be a really good writer.
Yeah, yeah, get your shots in now. One day I'll be the next IWC legend to write a book that nobody buys.
Links For Fun And Nonprofit
Larry has been at 411 for two years, so here's his anniversary edition of the 3R's. If he could only get rid of me, he'd be the longest-serving contributing wrestling writer. I await his assassins.
Speaking of old comrades, the Funk to my Foley returned for one week only with the Saturday news report.
And Small had Sunday news, and renewed an old Lance Storm joke that only about five people (including me) probably still remember the origin of.
The Triple Threat debate the stories of the week, while JP and JT debate the minutia and how many columns they've written. Theoretically, wouldn't each Highlights column only count for ½ for each of them?
Sullivan finalizes his ECW roster, plus he has a poll! Everyone loves polls!
Carapola looks back ten years ago last week, to the formation of the nWo, an acronym which would terrorize automatic spell-checkers for years.
And Ziegler scored an interview with Bobby Lashley! That's right, we rock.
The Gab Bag
BT returns from his exile of not actually watching Smackdown or Raw regularly due to having a real life, and gives his props to Foley for his always interesting semi-shoot promos. I know, Mick ripped parts of them off from previous work, but they were damned good then, too. Plus, I never thought Mick could manage to turn heel at this point in his career, but he has this crazy ability to have his finger directly on the pulse of what will get fans riled up against you. And of course, the best part of it all is that Mick always, ALWAYS justifies his reasons for his actions, maintaining that his perception is the correct one, even if it isn't. Of such things are really, really good heels made. Perhaps some other wrestlers and WWE Creative should take note. For the hundredth time.
BT's other perspective is about DX, and how it won't be anywhere near as good as it used to, especially since it's just Trip and Shawn. My only problem, because I will admit that it's damned fun to mark out for the DX foreshadowing, is that there are no real strong heels for a reformed DX to deal with. DX against Vince and the Spirit Squad doesn't exactly send shivers down my spine like the old days of DX against the Hart Foundation and the Nation, you know?
Rick Funcannon thinks Rey should drop the title to Benoit, which is a crazy idea because it would result in good matches that the fans would love to see and actually has a pretty good backstory to make a feud over. WWE Creative spits on your idea! Watch your well-planned plot wither and die in the face of Mark Henry vs Rey vs Great Khali triple threat matches! Bwahahahaha!
I'm sorry, that was mean.
tony bayliff wonders what the beef is between Vince McMahon and Randy Savage. I suggest you ask one of them. But since Vince is a liar and Savage can't string two coherent sentences together, I suggest you not hold your breath for a real answer.
And One To Go On
Picked up WWE Wreckless Intent, it's not bad, about 8-10 of the tracks will see replay, though the rest are pretty crappy. However, in an intriguing fact, a grand total of three songs have a variation on the line "I'm going to put you in the ground". Apparently we have officially run out of original lyrics for music.
Tell me which three tracks they are and win an Official Non-Prize! Because I like mail!
411 will have live coverage of Raw starting tonight at 9pm EDT. Canada, you're on at 12:30 with the usual 3 am and Tuesday replays. Larry's in tomorrow, I'm back next week.
