Truth B Told 6.8.06: Bayani Domingo and The Great Khali present 'The Boy From Oz'
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 06.08.2006
Sometimes wrestling makes about as much sense as the titles Andy Clark gives me. But I guess obsessing over two Asian dudes at once is perfectly normal… when you’re GAY!!
It's rant time baby!! Time to talk about those things that make you go…WTF?!?!?
You know, we all love wrestling. I think I'm safe to say that because if you're reading an article on an internet wrestling website, especially one that is notorious for being the most filthy and raunchy on 411, you're probably not a "casual fan". Nor are you an English professor, I mean the slang and ungood grammar in this column would probably make your head explode faster than 13 year old boy watching a "Diva Battle Royal". But you know I understand that to enjoy wrestling there is a "suspension of belief" that takes place but sometimes…sometimes its just a bit too much. This week I want to talk about a few things that bother me in the ‘logic of wrestling'. yeah, this is going to be one of those kayfabe busting columns so strap in kids.
This weekend I went to the Pro Wrestling Guerrilla show and it turned out to be one of the least star studded shows in a while. Basically this was all local SoCal guys who pretty much work exclusively in the SoCal area with the exception of B-Boy and Frankie Kazarian. Actually there was one other guy who works pretty much all over the place, internationally and in TNA. TJ Perkins, aka Pinoy Boy, aka Puma, aka Cobra II, aka Villano 48, aka Purple Mongoose Mask 31. TJ is a talented worker who has been wrestling for like…ever, I think 20 years. He's around 22-23 years old now so… 20 years seems right, and has wrestled all over Mexico, Japan, and the US so it was puzzling to me to see a sequence in the ring I didn't quite get. He was wrestling Excalibur (one of PWG's owners) in a match and taken off his knee pad in order to inflict more damage when he hit multiple knees to Excalibur's head. Then later in the match he tied Excalibur up in the corner, put his leg up on the top rope and proceeded to work over his knee by headbutting it. He was headbutting the man's knee with his head. Think about that. Let that settle in, marinade…put some onions and garlic on that, maybe rub on some paprika. Is that good and marinated now?
It was mind boggling because hitting your head against someone's knee would seem to hurt you a lot more than them. Logically speaking. But for some reason, when you get kneed in the head, your head hurts. But when you headbutt someone's knee, their knee hurts. Hmmm. Fascinating. Its like saying that if you pay a Cambodian hooker to shit on your chest, then it's illegal, but if you pick her up at a Starbucks and she does it for free then it's all good. Which was actually Cook's legal defense last month, but none the less disturbing. But you know, this shouldn't come as any surprise, we've seen this before right? How many times has a "Big Boot" finished a match and knocked an opponent silly? Yet, how many times does someone ‘eat a boot' after charging in at an opponent in the corner and only become slightly dazed? I guess the momentum and force of an opponent coming at you is less than you walking towards an opponent with your foot in the air. Or something, I don't know, I'm not that good with physics or …geometry, or whatever it would take to explain that. I mean, I'm only HALF Korean…
I bet a good number of you are thinking.."yeah, what the fuck IS up with that shit?" Well probably not my Canadian or English readers, I doubt you guys think in expletives as much as us vulgar Americans. I would figure you'd probably say something like, "well bloody ‘ell, what kind of bullocks is that?", or for you Canadians, "Well how's a boot Celine Dion Hockey Mullet Looney Alanis Morrissette Bret Hart aye?" that's right Canada, I'm Trois'-lingual.
Also is it just me or do all "special guest referees" seem to know all of the rules of a regular wrestling match and gets knocked out far less often and for much less time than a regular ref. so why not just hire bigger referees that are the size of a wrestler. That way they aren't so weak as to constantly be getting knocked out and letting the heel win through some nefarious means? Or what about a 2nd referee on the outside so that when the one ref gets knocked out you got a spare one. I mean, what the hell are they all doing backstage anyways. There are like 4 or 5 matches per brand and like 4 or 5 matches per show. Is it really THAT grueling that they can't work a second match? Are they that out of shape that being the back up ref for another match is just too much? Man, those referees must have SOME kind of union. Unlike us at 411. in fact we've been employing child labor for years now. Want proof? You ever read one of Andy Clark's columns? Yes… an 8 year old really DID write that, and not even a smart 8 year old, like the kid who always smelled like pee and got a (-) in citizenship. The kid who slowed up reading time when it was his turn cuz' he was still sounding out the word R-U-N. That kid.
The one thing I've always been bothered by is how the referee can NEVER hear the sound of steel chair against a man's skull. Somehow the announcers and commentary guys can and explain that it is a "sickening" or "bone crunching" sound, but the referee is too busy being distracted to hear that same distinctive sound even though he is but a few feet away. But you know, I guess I can somewhat let the slide so long as they are arguing with someone on the apron, but when they are just on the ground or getting rid of another object? C'mon. yeah, well I guess I can't be too hard on the refs, after all they are a necessity in order to keep some guys strong and allow for dirty finishes to seem more believable. Then again, I could write a whole column about referees. Then that would require me doing some fact checking and research. Which totally takes away from the time I have to surf the net looking for Asian chicks.
Something else happened on RAW this week that made me remember another pet peeve of mine. Why the hell do guys come out of the crowd with their wrestling gear on? I mean, look at Randy Orton, he comes out just to RKO Angle and he's wearing his wrestling tights? Who the hell comes out of a crowd to sabotage someone wearing speedos? I mean, how inconspicuous could you be while trying to take someone out in your underwear? How is that stealthy? You ever see a ninja skulking around in their bloody skivvies? Then again, I would just assume that if you ever did see a ninja, that would probably be the last thing you're ever going to see. But you get my point. Fine, I understand that perhaps someone who hasn't tuned into Smackdown in a while might not know who Orton is if he just came into the ring in street clothes, but isn't that what the announcers are there for. And camera close-ups? C'mon, where the hell did he even change? Was he in stall 4 in the bathroom on the 2nd floor and just happened to decide that he needed to wear some tights in order to be more menacing? Odd, just odd. But you know, we've seen this before. A quick run in while a guy is in gear and that's it. does it make sense? Not really, but I guess sometimes they want us to be 100% aware that a ‘wrestler' is doing the run in, not just a fan. Cuz' you know, most fans are the same size as wrestlers anyways right? Well, only if you're a fan of the X-Division I guess.
Missing calling moves and just going with it also gets in my craw. The "Emerald Fusion" that people call Finlay's finishing move should be called the "Emerald Frosion" and in fact, isn't even that. It's a ‘Kryptonite Krunch", the difference being the set up. Samoa Joe's "Island Driver" is actually what the "Emerald Frosion" looks like, if you don't know what that is, picture Rikishi's finishing move but his opponent's head is hitting to the outside of his leg not between his legs. The "back cracker" is also annoying, it's a damn ‘Lung Blower', I don't know why people who know what this is called don't use the proper name, I'm looking at you Tazz and Joey Styles.
Something else that bothers me is the ‘selling' of the nut shot aka low blow aka kick in the cherries. It seems like different wrestlers sell it in different ways. To his credit I think Cena actually does the best and most believable selling of the move. If anything Cena's ability to sell and bump have vastly improved since his Smackdown days in my opinion. Yep, John Cena is winning me over due to his ability to correctly sell a punch to the ol' "cash n' prizes". It just seems like in real life, it wouldn't merely stun you for 4 or 5 seconds then after someone rolls you up or hits a move on you you would no longer feel the effects. Have any of you ever got a kick to the ‘baby maker'? I'm sure you didn't just walk it off after a few seconds. Unless of course you happened to have lost your ‘boys' in the war… on illiteracy. No, I'm not sure how that would happen, but I'm sure it has. Although that would be one HELL of a paper cut.
The Truth
I'm sure you're all thinking, "dude…B, it's just wrestling, why take it so seriously?" Well you'd be right, I don't take wrestling that seriously, it's a form of entertainment and I just accept that wrestling isn't going to be 100% accurate. I'm not here to dump all over wrestling and say that there isn't enough realism in wrestling to be taken seriously, because you know, it shouldn't be taken seriously anyways. There are just things we have come to accept, we know there are inherent flaws to these things, but we accept them none the less. Sure we know that the referees hired by wrestling companies are among the biggest pussies this side of Lita's, but we just accept that a inadvertent pinky to the chin is going to incapacitate them for a good 2 minutes. We hold these truths to be self evident…and stupid.
I don't know, this was mainly a ‘rant' column for me this week as there is as much "Obvious Bullshit" as there are "Hidden Highlights" in wrestling. does it take away from my enjoyment of wrestling? Sometimes, but not enough to let all the other great stuff kind of gloss it over. Its just one of those things that us full on ‘wrestling geeks' do from time to time. As much as people talk about some promotions being too ‘spotty' and not telling a story or using enough ‘psychology' we also have to take into account the little things that can detract from a match. As much as we applaud guys like Chris Benoit, William Regal, Fit Finlay, Kurt Angle, Christopher Daniels, and Samoa Joe for adding a lot of realism to their matches there are just little things that always bother us that can take away from a good match. Now are these things going to just go away one day? No. But there is no reason to ignore them. As a wrestling fan you take the good with the bad, but just because you applaud the good, doesn't mean we have to turn a blind eye to the bad. Unless of course you're a ref…then you have to turn both blind eyes to it.
Coming Up Short
Bryan Danielson has been a great champ for RoH. He's deserved this kind of impressive run with the belt and has had it for nearly 9 months. But now what? Danielson had a chance to pass along the title to 2 of the guys I think could have easily done well as RoH champs: Colt Cabana and Homicide. Well if anything I think Homicide would be the most legit champion as he is one of the guys who has been with the company since the giddyup. Having Homicide lose in such a questionable fashion over the weekend leaves open the possibility for him to demand a rematch and take back the strap, but who knows if that really will happen. Rumors are going around that Homicide is unhappy over his lack of ring time in TNA and may go to ECW. I think that would be a mistake, I'm willing to bet that most of the ECW guys they bring in won't get that much of a legit chance with WWE because they will already be labeled as Class "C" citizens.
I think RoH owes it to Homicide to give him a run with the strap, not only that, but Homicide would sell as many DVD's as a champion as Danielson would. Well, probably. The great thing about RoH is that the whole heel/face dynamic doesn't necessarily exclude wrestlers from having a world title program, this would be no exception as a feud with Danielson would merely pick up where they left off over a year ago and Colt could also make an argument for rekindling his feud with the Notorious 187. Then again if RoH fears that Homicide will be in ECW or be restricted by his commitments to TNA then maybe they are a little trigger shy. Nevertheless I think RoH should give Homicide his title run, least they find themselves coming up short.
6 Degrees of…
Yaaaarrrrr. "Pirate" Paul Birchall is the subject of this week's ‘6 degrees'. Now it is rumored that Birchall may return to smackdown sans the Pirate gimmick, which I think would be an incredible shame. Its clear that ‘Pirate' Paul is a man of the people, just ask last week's winner of "6 Degrees" Matt Moses:
…Anyways, awesome that I got first. I had a feeling that an all female asian/pacific islander themed 6 degrees might go a bit in my favor. And as for next week, I want to see Smackdown's resident pirate, Paul Burchill, as one of the degrees. As for who you can connect him to, there are tons of options. Captain Jack Sparrow, Captain Hook, Captain Morgan (yep, the rum guy), or even Captain Ron (remember that 1992 Kurt Russell movie?). But definitely Paul Burchill as one of the degrees.
Wow, I do in fact remember Captain Ron…I always had the feeling that the Cap'n made the daughter in that movie ‘walk his plank' as he plundered her treasure chest and pilfered as much booty as he could. Or…just nailed her. Either/or. I think however despite all of those great Captains to choose from, there is one and ONE captain alone who is fit to be linked to ‘Pirate' Paul a suggestion I got from my own little ‘female mark'….
He is after all our hero…I mean, who else is going to take pollution down to zero.
You know, its' been quite a few years since I watched the Cap'n, I wonder who he's been kicking it with lately now that the planeteers are all grown up, hmmmm.
Well there you have it kiddies, from "Pirate" Paul to Cap'n Vaguely Homosexual in exactly 6 degrees. Aka 6 people. PEOPLE. Now get to it, cuz' if I don't start getting more than 3 or 4 entries a week I guess I can just assume that the "6 Degrees" fad has gone the way of the mullet and parachute pants. That's right, to Idaho.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Wow, good feedback this week. I guess more than a few people care about Smackdown and think they have their own answer for what ails the "Big Fist". You like that nickname? "The Big Fist"…cuz' of that fist that comes out of the entrance way. It has nothing to do with that trick Lita can do where she can take steal your wrist watch by…uh… just read the e-mails:
Daniel Wilcox has a "new vision" for Smackdown.
Firstly, i've really come to like your column more recently, possibly because of the hot asian bitches and Maria interviews, so i've decided to start replying to your columns.
The stuff you wrote about Smackdown was all good stuff and i agree with most of it but i have a few ideas of my own to put forward. Currently, Smackdown's roster is the shits with 2 guys as you say being realistic title contenders. However, Booker will probably hang back around the upper-midcard for a while longer and continue his feud with Lashley if this weeks Smackdown is anything to go by. But with The Great American Bash not being until July 23rd, that gives Smackdown 6 weeks plus Saturday Night's Main Event to rebuild the roster and set up for a good PPV. Randy Orton will return on Jun 13th and probably get a shot at Rey Rey's World title by default because their really is no-one else to challenge. Batista returns with just 2 weeks to go before TGAB so he will face Mark Henry because it already has a story behind it with Henry injuring Batista. If Booker is to carry his feud with Lashley on, it will probably end at TGAB with Lashley winning by DQ after interference by Finlay and Regal because this match would have to be for the US title so a clean win for either wouldn't work because Booker needs to be kept strong before his main event push. Speaking of Finlay and Regal, i think they should be made into a tag team and challenge for the tag titles. Matt Hardy should team up with the returning Shannon Moore, but without the MFer gimmick. Push Tatanka and Burchill into the mid-card by letting them get wins over guys like Finlay to create more contenders for the US title. With all these changes, by TGAB, Smackdown's roster could look like this:
Main Event:
Rey Mysterio, Mark Henry, Batista, Randy Orton, Undertaker, Great Khali
Upper-midcard:
Booker T, Mr Kennedy, Lashley
Midcard:
Tatanka, Finlay, Paul Birchall, William Regal
Lower card:
Gunner Scott, Simon Dean, Sylvan, Big Vito, Road Warrior
Cruiserweights:
Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Psicosis, Super Crazy, Funaki, Scotty 2 Hotty, Gregory Helms, Kid Kash, Jamie Noble, Nunzio, Chavo Guerrero
Tag Teams:
London/Kendrik, Mexicools, Kash and Noble, FBI, Gymini, Finlay and Regal, Hardy and Moore
The Ggreat American Bash Card:
World Heavyweight Championship Match - Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton
Batista vs. Mark Henry
Great Khali vs. Undertaker
United States Championship Match - Bobby Lashley vs. King Booker T
Ken Kennedy Returns Match - Paul Birchall vs. Kennedy
Cruiserweight Championship Match - Gregory Helms vs. Chavo Guerrero
Tag Team Championship Turmoil Match - London/Kendrik vs. Gymini vs. Mexicools vs. Noble and Kash vs. Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore vs. Finlay and Regal
Nothing to really argue with here. Except for the fact that Simon Dean might end up being an announcer for SD or in ECW someway, same with the FBI, Hardy, Moore, Kid Kash, Noble, and the Mexicools. Plus, Load Warrior is gone. Otherwise, your mid-card and Main Event tiers are intact. Sad, but someone is going to get gutted in order for ECW to maintain a decent roster, and it probably ain't going to be RAW. The sad thing in all this is that they never tried to bring back the Bashams for what would be the most confusing match ever between them and the Gymini. It would be like 4 giant penis in the ring at once. Shit, Lita isn't even on Smackdown is she?
Troy talks some smack…down.
got an easy fix for SD. But first I would like to see them give Book a title run. I say let him beat Batista at SS. Make Batista chase the title for a while, perhaps well into next year. Now for the fix…Bring Kane to SD in time for Survivor Series..This should allow him enuff time to get done with the shitty Kane vs. Kane feud. Put the title on him and let him carry the belt to WrestleMania where he loses to Undertaker. UT gets to keep is undefeated streak and get his last title run. Shortly after WM Taker loses to Orton in a retirement match and Orton takes out another legend. Orton would get the shot because he will beat Batista at WM (it's about time for Dave to job a little bit). Then your looking at a main event SD scene as follows Orton-champ,Batista,Kane,Booker,Lashly(it will be time),Kennedy,Benoit,JBL (if they are both still wrestling),Rey,and someone from Raw say Chris Masters. Now you must admit that roster of main eventers looks impressive. So there you have it SD is saved. Now for one more idea take 2 guys from SD and 2 from Raw and put them in a stable and have them whoop ass on both shows. Let Bischoff be their manager. How would they be aloud to work both shows? They have a higher power that is able to make all decisions concerning the company..none other than Linda McMahon(with as many times as Vince has srewed her this would be her turn). Now for the members Orton, Kennedy, Carlito, and Shelton. With Orton as champ showing up on Raw would create a feud between the 2 champs. And maybe we could get a title unification match at WM, where the winner would then work both shows. You keep the 2 brands and the rest of the titles and have just ONE WORLD CHAMP. This would make the title mean so much more, and give the champ more exposure.
Let me know what ya think…The man,the myth, the legend that is….TROY
You know Troy, that is a mighty impressive bit of long term booking. Well except for the fact that you got my main man Batista jobbing. A no-no on TBT then you got Kane holding a title. His time to hold a title has passed. He's not the monster he once was and he's in no shape to carry the brand, plus the man is an honest to goodness movie star now. I can just see him and his brother co-starring in a classic movie next year in "Weekend at Taker's". you also have Masters in the main event. His potential and star power is receding faster than his hairline. I'm intrigued however by a stable that had the power to hop brands. I'm not sure that this wouldn't serve to effectively end the brand split however because letting guys work both shows really DOES end the brand split, even if its only a handful. I will admit however that having Bischoff come back as a manager is a great idea. I think we've seen how much a manager can add to the credible of a tag team or stable. The only problem with going back to a one belt system is you risk over exposure on the champion and you effectively cut down the main event scene to maybe 2 guys per show, so bye bye Lashley or Kennedy or Booker T or Carlito. Sad but true. Plus, I think we all know this idea would just give us John Cena two nights a week. Hoorah!
Rusty F'n Nailz is back. And guess what he wants to talk about?
Is Gail Kim really responsible for the "Asian bitches be lookin good" movement like that one dude said? Cuz personally, when I said it, I was thinkin of that bitch from ROH who got beat up in the parking lot and hasnt been seen since. But technically, Gail Kim is the FACE of the movement as she's the only Asian bitch on t.v. I can even think of. Also, I think in a few months we'll need to find something else cuz the movement's gettin outta control. Kinda like a communist takeover! The wonders of weed...not that I do any of that shit, yah mean! But seriously watchin that show MXC made me think that there is defintely some asian hoes that DONT be lookin good! Keep that in mind next time u see Gail Kim's ass on ur screen, behind JJ. Shouldnt that be the other way around? Anyway be thankful for her and remember she's the exception that proves the rule, wit her lil fine ass~
Rusty F'n Nailz
You gotta point, I believe Jade Chung was the subject of the infamous "Asian bitches be looking good most the time" movement. However Gail Kim has always been the first lady of TBT. Actually I think the original pioneer of the "Asian bitches" in wrestling movement was none other than Kevin Nash's old main squeeze: Chae. Aaahhh…Spankeriffic. Jade Chung is a PWG regular now as is her real life man B-Boy. I guess that's what happens when you get beat up in the parking lot of a gym on the East coast, you end up in LA. I think at some point we may end up moving towards the Latino side as all these Asian bitches are starting to look alike now. Yeah, I said, it, and yeah, weed is a hell of a drug. I'm actually planning to unleash something so amazing that it will shake the very foundation of your pants to your KNEES. Wait…no, that is what I wanted to say. So stay tuned for the ultimate "Asian Bitches be lookin' good most times" Challenge in the coming weeks. Just make sure to wipe off after it comes.
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
Light week this week as we got one "Honorable Mention" this week. But it does come from Captain Amazo.
In order to show my appreciation for the awesomeness that is Street Fighter II's Guile, I have prepared two Six Degrees sequences, with one specifically designed to highlight Guile and his mighty Sonic Boom.
1- Rob Van Dam calls the quaint burg of Battle Creek, Michigan his home.
2- Battle Creek is the worldwide headquarters of both Kellogg and Post Cereals.
3- Post Cereal produces Cocoa Pebbles, the breakfast treat that drove Barney Rubble to murder.
4- Also named Barney was Barney Fife, the deputy sheriff of Mayberry, North Carolina.
5- Many of the residents of Mayberry were known to wear ultra-chic bolo ties.
6- Bolo Yeung felt the blind, slow-motion replayed fury of Jean-Claude Van Damme in "Bloodsport".
And, the Guile-centric version:
1- Rob Van Dam's finishing move is called the Five Star Frog Splash.
2- 5 x 10 (when numbers equal stars) = 50 stars, the number which adorn the American flag.
3- Street Fighter II's Guile has American flag tattoos on both arms.
4- It is from these arms that he launches his best attack, the mighty Sonic Boom.
5- His best attack in the movie, however, was the exponentially lamer Flash Kick.
6- Performing that Flash Kick was coked-up Belgian superstar, Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And remember, though the Truth may not always set you free (especially if he's too busy impressing Don West with his dance moves), the mighty Sonic Boom can always be counted on to inch across the screen and lightly bonk into your opponent's shins. And if you look at the Air Force personnel in the background of Guile's stage just right, it looks like one of them's getting a handjob.
SONIC BOOM!
You think that's something, there is a scene in Tekken 4 where I'm fairly sure someone is getting' a hummer. I believe it's on the streets of Hong Kong. Wait, what am I saying? When ISN'T someone getting a hummer on the streets of Hong Kong. Surprising this was either the most brilliant set of entries I've ever seen….or I'm drunk. Or both. No, not both, one or the other. I'm going with….drunk. you know what though, I'm kind of disappointed that Cap'n A didn't mention the homosexual relationship that Barney and Fred had and the fact that the Flintstones were cancelled after Fred was found dead of erotic asphyxiation. They still haven't tracked down Barney to this day. No, that guy in the Cocoa Pebbles commercial is in fact a fraud. Sorry kids, kind of like when you learned the tooth fairy wasn't real. It was merely your Uncle Chester leaving a quarter under your pillow after he touched you in the area covered by your bathing suit.
#3
6 Degrees of...Van Damme to Van Dam. (Btw, all the people I chose have been in action movies, except for RVD. But if the whole WWE Films thing turns out working well, I can see them giving RVD a staring role in a cheesy martial arts action flick. Maybe a buddy movie with Jean Claude, they can play brothers.)
1) Jean Claude Van Damme was originally supposed to play alien in the movie "Predator", but opted not to since the suit was too hot and bulky. The star of this movie was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
2) Arnold Schwarzenegger was the villian Mr. Freeze in the movie "Batman and Robin". Another villian in the movie was Poison Ivy, played by Uma Thurman.
3) Uma Thurman played Maya in a made for TV movie called "Duke of Groove". The basis of this movie is a guy named Rich who goes to a crazy party with with his mother. The host of this crazy party was played by Kiefer Sutherland.
4) Kiefer Sutherland plays Jack Bauer in the hit TV show "24". In Season 4 of this show, the main villian was Habib Marwan, played by Arnold Vosloo.
5) Arnold Vosloo played Imhotep in the modern "Mummy" movies. In "The
Mummy Returns", the character of the Scorpion King was played by The Rock.
6) The Rock was the sole survivor of the 2001 Survivor Series where it was Team WWF vs. Team WCW/ECW in a winner takes all match. Apart of Team WCW/ECW was Rob Van Dam…
As for your look at the Smackdown roster, I am going to say what I have a said in other columns. If there was ever a time to recombine those two rosters and make a main big one, this would be it. All logic points in that direction, so knowing the WWE, we are going to see 2 new brands (besides the current three) debut within a year. They will be WCW and NWA (just to laugh at TNA).
Matt Moses
Sorry Matt, points off for bringing up the worst Batman movie ever and Uma Thurman without mention the one movie where she was topless, "Dangerous Liaisons". A Racktacular acting job by Uma. Actually you also missed out since my ‘gal pal' decided she didn't want any part of he judging this week, cuz' I think we all know a reference to "The Rock" is money in the bank with her. Yeah, I let her call me Rocky in the bedroom. Its better than being called "Adam", right? I would love to see the "e" bring back WCW, but not NWA, they should bring back GLOW. I mean, Vito could be a real star in that promotion. In fact, why not put a wig on him and team him with Traci Brooks, they could do a similar gimmick to the Bashams. "Oh my gosh, Traci just pushed Vito out of the ring …the ref can't tell the difference!!" Classic.
#2.
B--
Another solid hard-hitting interview from Maria again this week. She asks the questions that are as hard-hitting as the last time Csonka "laid hand to monkey" the last time he was thinking about her. Only three entries last week and I still can't catch a break? I'm
beginning to think that even if there are only two entries some week I'll still draw second or third out of spite.
Oh well...this week's entry is full of notable big, strong, manly tough guys, the kind that Cook likes *cough* Traci *cough* ...and Kevin Nash.
6 degrees of JCVD to RVD
Jean Claude Van Damme once got punched out famous Hell's Angel Chuck Zito in
Scores…
Zito appeared with Hulk Hogan a few times on Nitro in 1999…
Hogan appeared as "Boomer Knight" in a 2001 episode of Walker, Texas Ranger
starring Chuck Norris...
Chuck Norris made a guest appearance at the end of "Dodgeball," a movie that
also starred Joel David Moore…
Moore starred as video game prodigy JP in "Grandma's Boy," a movie that also
featured the great acting skills of Super Shredder himself, Kevin Nash…
Nash, wrestling as his money-making persona Vinnie Vegas, beat Rob Van Dam,
then called "Robbie V" in a 1993 WCW Television Title tournament…
Mark Satrang
Mark, you certainly are getting the Orlando Jordan treatment lately. But this time you almost got the go ahead except I could not for the life of me find that last match between Vinnie and Robbie referenced anywhere. Well I suppose I could have spent more than 20 minutes looking for it, but I'm a busy man. You know Maria just doesn't molest herself you know. Wait…I think we just found the Easter Egg for the next "Divas Undressed" DVD. Hopefully. Well try for next week, I'm sure once you finally become "King of the Mountain" it will only be that much sweeter. Plus, you can realize your dream of seeing Yahoo Serious in "6 Degrees".
#1.
The winning entry this week belongs to… Gillan Borum
I can't say much against your Smackdown breakdown: it's pretty spot on. I'd like to know what the \\//\\// is thinking, removing all these known personalities from SD when the ratings are hovering at or below the 2.0 mark in ratings. I don't think it's in any danger of disappearing from television, but it certainly isn't in any danger of me watching it on a regular basis. I'm a fan of the cruiserweights, don't get me wrong, but if the show mostly consists of Rey saying he doesn't care when he loses the belt, the Great Khali chopping people in the head, and Mark Henry injuring someone with his sweaty girth, I don't mind missing it. I do hope they have some plans for the cruiserweights, now that their obligatory seasonal PPV match has happened. Usually, after the PPV match they get to run Velocity for 4 months. It shouldn't be too hard to think of something. Hell, the station's name is changing to CW. CWs on CW! It's a marketing gimmick as well as a reason to put them on TV! I need to get paid for these ground breaking ideas.
Anyways, here's my Van Dam to Van Damme Six Degrees...hope you like it (and on a personal note, I think you should disqualify anyone who uses "Universal Soldier: The Return" as a degree, as that is far too easy a connection to make between JCVD and wrestling. Plus Bill Goldberg as an actor has caused me nothing but mental anguish).
1. Rob Van Dam appeared in the movie "Black Mask 2: City of Masks", along with Traci Lords (RVD:Lords)
2. Traci Lords played the part of Racquel in the movie "Blade", starring Wesley Snipes (Lords:Snipes)
3. Wesley Snipes starred alongside Woody Harrelson in "White Men Can't Jump" (Snipes:Harrelson)
4. Woody Harrelson was on the cast of Cheers, on which Christopher Lloyd had a guest role in two episodes as painter Phillip Semenko (Harrelson:Lloyd)
5. Christopher Lloyd played Uncle Fester in "The Addams Family", with Raul Julia as Gomez Addams (Lloyd:Julia)
and
6. Raul Julia was the nefarious M. Bison in "Street Fighter: The Movie", with the part of Col. Guile played by the dancin' fiend, Jean Claude Van Damme.
And regarding people in the degrees who "do the splits"--I imagine that Traci Lords has enough splits for the entire 6 degrees. I imagine a lot.
"Mark Henry injuring someone with his sweaty girth"… I think Meehan just got a semi reading that. I'm afraid that they'll move CW Anderson instead and just disband the Cruiserweights. Great idea Gillan…thanks a lot. Actually I've blamed Goldberg matches for this bout of horrible diarrhea I had back during his title reign. Somehow, I know its his fault. Funny but I always thought Mexico City was the City of Masks…luchador masks that is. Man, Traci Lords brings back a lot of memories, back when Cinemax late night was the closest thing to bare boob a guy could get. Unless you had a car in high school. Or you were a chick. Damn, if I was a chick I'd be feeling myself up all day long. You with me fellas? Huh? Who's got a high five for me? Huh? Don't leave me hangin'. Man…fuck you guys. Alright Gillan, if that is your real name. If it isn't…what the hell is up with picking Gillan as an alias? What is that? English? New Zealand? Pig Latin? Whatever, well "Gillan" shoot me off your ONE participant for next week's ‘6 Degrees' lickity split. Heh heh…Lickity split. That always comes to mind during Melina's ring entrance. Man…I need to get laid.
Left Overs…
Lance Cadeshaw beats Kane by Count Out. Amazing, just when you thought that tag team couldn't be anymore "Brokeback" they dye Lance's hair black and give him a mustache. It would actually take 2 dozen naked chicks accompanying them to the ring just to bring them up to Metrosexual status at this point.
Highlanders? Or Scottish Bushwhackers, you make the call. No wait…the creative writing staff already did.
Poor Lillian, that was a pretty bad bump she took. We may be seeing the start of a Viscera/Charlie Haas feud now….on Heat.
Amazing, so far Haas and Nitro have had a combined 5 matches on RAW and still no one knows what the hell their finishing moves are. Way to make both guys looks weak by giving Nitro a cheap win. I mean, you gotta keep Haas strong for that…I dunno…Viscera program. Shit, I got nothing here, I'm just wondering who had the better ‘beard' in that match? Charlie or Nitro?
Teddy Hart, Vampiro, Sean Waltman, Aaron Aguilera, Jack Evans, Kaos, Luke, Alkatrazz, and announcer Kris Kloss have all signed 30-day extensions with Wrestling Society X. wow, that is the makings of a great … police line-up. I think Teddy, Jack, and Luke all have some potential but I think Kris Kloss is a total douche bag. I met him once, he had the oddest page boy hair cut I'd ever seen, he looked like one of Robin Hood's fairy men. Wait…I meant Merry…no…I nevermind.
WWE has trademarked "Pitbulls" as a name and may be using it for Kid Kash and Jamie Noble. Great, I can just see the warm welcome they'll get in ECW when someone asks, weren't the Pitbulls like 6'2" or 6"3 and like 240 lbs each? I've seen James Gibson in person, the man is smaller than I am, but you don't see me trademarking the name Bam Bam Domingolow do you? Well, at least not until I figure out where you get the trademarks on line.
Am I the only one who believes that Vince gets an asscial in real life? Talk about breakin' kayfabe Vinny Mac. Then again, its nothing compared to the scrot-cial Meehan said he got for his last birthday. That guy's nuts.
Not to spoil Smackdown for you, but The Great Khali continues to kick the living crap out of the cruiserweights again this week. How lame, a big man picking on all the little guys, that shit would never get over in a real company like TN…hold up, I'm getting' a call from Jay Lethal… "mm hmm"…"yeah"…"oh…that's right, ok bye"…Uh…so….Asscial huh?
Random Asian Bitch lookin' Good Pic
She looks perplexed doesn't she…like there's something I want to get off her chest.
Jack Black on Smackdown Superstar page? Okay, either he's coming down on a Juan Deere w/ Super Crazy or he's holding Brother Devon's collection box, either way, count me in.
Hacksaw and Eugene as a tag team makes no sense. I mean, who the hell is the brains of this operation? That's why they need someone with a slightly higher IQ to manage them. My vote is for Moppy. Or better yet…evil FAKE moppy.
Batista returns in…like 30 days? Or if you're reading this late..29…or 28. Either way he's coming back and the first order of business… finding him a new Latin bitch to ream since Melina's gone…oh shit…is that Nacho's new gimmick?? Run Nacho….Ruuuuuuuuuuuuun!!
This is from the front page dark matches during the WWE/ECW show: - Jimmy Yang defeated Tatanka. Yang was dressed as a cowboy in leather chaps and a Confederate flag on his vest. I think we can officially replace Jimmy Yang on that Top 10 Asian wrestlers list now.
King vs Taz…told ya so. Man, nothing like seeing < a href= http://www.411mania.com/wrestling/columns/41566>two out of shape guys duking it out. But let's face it, in real life Taz would beat Jerry "The King" Lawler like a rented mule … that just fell on and killed the hooker in Lawler's hotel room in 1983 in Memphis. Um…shit, is this what "breaking Kaybe" means?
My Bad, I finally found the place Vince get's his asscials from. The Diva Search.
Generation Next is no more. Apparently they felt like they had accomplished their goals and were too old and accomplished to really carry on the name anymore as it doesn't apply to them anymore. Wait…is that…HBK and HHH laughing…hmmm.
Homicide going to ECW? New Jack is not? The rumors are running rampant and it looks like there are already casualties…that's right, JUSTIN CREDIBLE has jumped from WSX to ECW. Which is fine for JC but he's gonna miss out when the Cheetah Girls play WSX….I mean…play WSX TO THE EXTREME!!
PWG results from last weekend's show:
Joey Ryan retains over Frankie Kazarian **1/2
Scorpio Sky defeats Kevin Steen **1/2
Chris Bosh/Scott Lost retain over B-Boy and Human Tornado ***1/2
Alex Koslov/Ronin Defeats El Generico/Quicksilver ***
NEMESIS/Disco Machine Def. Top Gun Talwar/Bino Gambino **
TJ Perkins Defeats Excalibur **
Small attendance, maybe 150 – 175 and with 6 matches on the card it was the shortest show in recent history. I'm not sure if I can recommend this on DVD but you know, its all about seeing it live. Unless of course you're a zombie…then, I dunno… I guess just sit down, break someone's skull open, have some brains, maybe a Vault Soda..whateva.
Awesome, so RAW trades Big Show for Randy Orton, ECW gets Show, and Smackdown gets… I dunno??
King of the Mountain is set, I'm impressed with the line-up, I mean TNA knows how to push their "Homegrown Talent". Christian, K-Kwik, Sting, Jeff Jarrett, and….Abyss. Damn it, how did that guy sneak in there?
Randy Savage on The Surreal Life? Oh sweet Jesus I can not wait until this happens. What's the chances we'll get an episode where "Macho Man" elbow drops a drunken Justin Guarini from the roof? Wait, what am I saying? Justin Guarini never sold anything.
Maria takes on one of the ‘hardest hitting' Superstars on RAW this week:
Maria: Today I have a very special guest Charlie Haas!!
Haas:…
Maria: Uh…Hello?
Haas:… Oh, um, I'm sorry. Its been a while since I got to talk you know.
Maria: Well its not an interview unless you talk, then its just me asking questions and you standing there … and not talking. Well Charlie how did you think your match went tonight.
Haas: Actually you can call me Chuck. Chuck Nor-Haas. I lost, so, I think it went badly. But did you see the way I took out that Mexican chick on the way out??
Maria: Poor Lillian, she really looked like she hurt herself. Was that an accident Chuck?
Haas: Well, I spent some time tag teaming with Bob Holly and there are 3 times I learned from Bob: #1. Bicycle shorts make your ass look FANTASTIC. #2. How to knock the fuck out of a woman. And #3. How to anally molest someone and scaring them into not snitching on you.
Maria: Wow, he sounds a lot like my stepfather.
*Awkward Silence*
Haas: Mine too.
*Awkward Silence*
Maria: I like your beard and your bandana too. I think it makes you look a lot like someone, a movie star. What's the name of that guy again in those Kung Fu movies?
Haas: Good eye, actually that is exactly what I was going for…
Maria: Pat Morita. Yeah, you look just like him. Funny, I haven't seen him around in a while, it's like he's been…uh, he's been…
Haas: Missing in Action?
Maria: No, I was going to say dead. Well I guess we'll all die someday.
Haas: Yes, usually the same day you meet Chuck Nor-Haas. By the way, did you know that women don't really have orgasms while having sex with Chuck Nor-Haas?
Maria: Really?
Haas: Yes, just little fits of joy after realizing I haven't killed them yet. I came up with this great new finishing move, you wanna see it?
Maria: Sure!! What's it called?
Haas: The Delta Force. First get on your hands and knees….great, now turn around.
Maria: Okay now what…Chuck? I can't see you… are you behind... *Punch to the head*…*THUD*
Haas: *looks down at his penis* Sorry little Chucky, but this is between me and Maria's butt cheeks…and you're just going get caught in the middle. This is for YOU Bob Holly!!
Pimpin' In High Places
You know sometimes I wonder if it's worth all the pain to link up people in my column. I mean how many people actually read all the stuff on 411 instead of cherry picking your favorite columnists? What are the chances that an endorsement from me could give a "rub" to an up and coming writer? Why do I have to if Meehan doesn't? Blah, oh well, at least it gives me an excuse to make fun of some folks:
Ronny Sarnecky talks about the infamous "Screw Job". Which oddly enough when you google that phrase, its mostly Bret Hart references and not a single porno reference. Hot Damn, I got me some copyrighting to do.
My column features ‘Asian bitches who be looking good', while Meehan has picture of…preschool children. Um… to each his own I guess. *psssst…u … yeah u, the one reading this at work….yeah u, the IT guy…call the cops….NOW*
Sforcina FINALLY wraps up the Sting Evo Scheme. For a preview of what his next week's column about Nathan Jones click HERE.
O'dog talks about some Goodness that we have all seemed to forgotten about. Then Csonka talks about some favorites we also forgot about. Shit, I guess we have some serious long term memory issues. Either that or we're just suppressing this stuff alone with those memories of being molested by mall Santa Claus's, birthday parties when our dad showed up piss drunk without a shirt on, and Heidenrich matches.
Jules is a lazy bastard who refuses to pay the proper respect to the rest of the boys backstage by figuring out how to link. If I was him I'd be worried about Randle or Boman wanting to "borrow" his gym bag for a minute. That and colon cancer. You just can't be too careful with colon cancer. There's no joke here…only concern.
Clark finally finds a gimmick yep, after trying to shamelessly rip off my format for months he's finally found a new dead horse to beat. I can't wait for the ‘Boogeyman Report Card' won't that be a hoot? Then again if he manages an EL DANDY report card I would be more than happy to lend him a hand. Here's a hint Andy…*A+++*
3's Company is back only this time they replaced David with Grayson which means David becomes the default "Christy" and Grayson is that chick who replaced her…I can't remember her name for the life of me now…Cindy perhaps, I think she was her cousin or some shit. I dunno. I think this makes Csonka Mr. Furley somehow. I just want to be Larry. That guy was a fucking pimp. Tappin' all the fine bitches down at the Regal Beagle. You don't buy that? Well who the fuck are YOU to doubt Larry?? Wait.. what was I talkin' about again? I dunno, I just hope Alex doesn't blow his main event slot.
Rajah and Sat lob us a softball this week. LOW ROAD. I don't really know these guys on a personal level, nor have I ever talked to them. I can only make assumptions. So I picture one of them looking like Sonjay Dutt and the other like Tiger Ali Singh. I don't know which one got the better end of that deal.
Brad Garoon reviews the first PWG show that I ever saw and got me hooked. Its like the first time you try crack. Or Vault cola. I'm serious, I'm another case away from needing an intervention.
Cindy...I mean Grayson hits you up with another edition of BFE. He talks about the ramifications of Edge spearing Lita's stinkhole…TO THE EXTREME!! I dunno, everyone else is using that phrase I just wanted to fit in. I also hear G-Ham is a big fan of pirates… I mean…you can't spell Grayson without the "rrrrrrrrrr", cuz' you know, it spells….um…yeah.
It looks like Chris Clarke is the HBK of the Fink's Payload team. Not to say Rossi will end up drugged out and on parole but… I dunno, someone ask Sullivan, I hear he has a Crystal Ball or something.
Man something has to give because lately I'm realizing that I went from Ricky Steamboat to Amazing Red in like 3 months. Are my columns too "spotty" now? Is it too much "6 degrees", Hot asian bitches, and Maria molestation, and not enough real heart and soul?? Eh, I dunno, I'm just tryin' to keep my spot since all these new guys keep invading my space. I gotta admit though it seems like some of the newbies are trying to spice up their columns with a sort of irreverent and smarky humor that hasn't been seen since …um …you started reading this column about 10 minutes ago. Well good for them its about time we smart asses started to rise above and vanquish those who would shout us down with their talk of "ECW owning" and "Carlito needs to be in DX". Poppycock I say, pure and utter Poppycock. Or maybe it's Fiddle Faddle. I'm not really sure, I think Fiddle Faddle was the cheaper version you could get at Safeway for like half price. Anyways, join me next week as I try to come up with a topic before Tuesday. Yeah…Tuesday. Oh and now is your chance to vote for whether ‘6 Degrees' and "Maria Interviews" stays or we switch to something else that allows me to make dirty jokes at my own discretion. Which is none to speak of.
