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 411mania » Wrestling » Columns

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Truth B Told 6.15.06: Brand Name Merchandise
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 06.15.2006



Man, I really didn't want to have to talk about ECW again this week but I guess now is as good a time as any to talk about it, well at least as part of a bigger conversation. Lately the issues of "Branding" a promotion has been brought up by Paul Heyman in regards to why TNA has been a "failulre" in his opinion. You know, its hard to argue with him. I think he did kind of leave Smackdown out of that conversation for the sake of political correctness, but there is no doubt that the "Big Fist" is in serious trouble. Clearly RAW has branded itself quite well as becoming THE premiere wrestling brand on TV…in America. I'm not even getting into Mexico and Japan here, so let's just keep this state-side people. The question is, why hasn't anyone else been able to build a strong enough brand identify for themselves? Well, before you say, "What about ECW" you might want to read on a little more.

Let's look at the 3 brands that haven't done so well. Keep in mind I'm not including RoH in this, not because they're still considered a ‘Super Indy' promotion, but because they have actually done better than anyone in actually ‘branding' themselves, despite the constantly changing roster. Yeah, the RoH haters are going to roll their eyes, but face it, even if you hate RoH you know what they are and what they're about. So…you don't like it…eat a dick!!

SMACKDOWN:

The original idea for Smackdown was to create two brands that would rival each other and would create a sort of competition within the WWE that would drive it to improve and get the very best out of their wrestlers in hopes of improving the product, revitalizing the audience that may have become bored with only having one place/time to watch wrestling, and give some of the newer and younger stars a chance to break out with more room to roam and more main event slots open.

Reality Check: Smackdown is the clear "JV Squad" of the WWE brands. Constantly being ignored and having their talent stolen for RAW and yet they still manage to survive by lucking out and having their stars break out. Only problem is, for every Finlay, Booker T, Lashley, and Mr. Kennedy that makes it, it just makes it that much more likely they get a "call-up" to the "major leagues" on Monday night. Smackdown is also now being depleted by the addition of ECW and the one division that could set itself apart from RAW, the cruiserweight division, gets less attention than the Women's title. Not to mention Friday night is just not the best wrestling night if you want to reach an audience that doesn't count, "Staying home to watch wrestling on Friday night while mom makes me pizza bites and Crystal Lite" as their weekend plans.


TNA:

The "alternative to sports entertainment" was created and grown to compete with the WWE. This would be based on the wrestling aspect and not the Hollywood melodrama that the "e" provided. TNA would take the best of the Indy's and any WWE/WCW/ECW cast offs or workers lost in the shuffle and create a more athletic and high risk alternative for those who wanted an alternative to that which there had not been previously an alternative for. Alternative.

Reality Check: TNA has been an alternative…to retiring for a lot of guys who appear as WWE cast offs and over the hill WCW refried left overs. They continue to make baby steps but haven't hit their stride yet and feature too many WCW and WWE also-rans to be considered uniquely branded. While homegrown and TNA bred talents like Abyss, Monty Brown, and Chris Sabin are being overshadowed by Big Poppa Dump, Big Injury Kevin Nash, and Double J-hole, TNA is counting on old WCW fans to come back to the fold to spur them onto success. While TNA has been able to put on above average to great PPV's their weekly hour lone show has not done enough to win over the strictly WWE fans they'll need to push ratings to the 2.0 neighborhood. Another hour of TV is essential to them even being able to cut into that audience and put a dent in WWE's loyal viewership.


ECW

The old ECW was being dragged through the mud, no one had any idea what "Extreme" was all about, so out of the ashes rose a phoenix known as E-C-W. ECW is going to bring the "Extreme" back to wrestling and do away with the cancer known as "Sports Entertainment". Its going to be a mix of the in-your-FACE action, violence, and mayhem of the old ECW, mixed with more pure wrestling and up and coming stars of today. It'll be like what ECW was like in it's heyday only this time the new breed will learn from the old mainstays and create the same EXTREME product that you remember. Oh, it will be Extremely Extreme for those Extremists who are Extremely into Extreme Championship Wrestling…. ExtremeExtremeExtremeExtreme.

Reality Check: Extremely overrated. Yeah, I said, it…big whoop, wanna fight about it? ECW was great in it's time, but recreating something that is 6 years past is insane. Add to that the fact that even if ECW had survived today it would probably have changed a lot too. Trying to show what ECW would have been if it had survived just seems a little ridiculous. You have the original ECW guys there to placate the ECW faithful, only the truly faithful fans would see this as a WWE bastardization of what ECW really was and would stay away. Plus, the fact is how many ECW guys can perform like they used to? You think RVD and Sabu can wrestle the way they used to w/o ending up on the DL every other month? Then you have a handful of WWE guys trying to be ECW now after they rallied against it during the "Invasion Angle". If ECW wants to become a more extreme alternative to "sports entertainment" then fine. But don't pass yourself off as this great independent brand that can do whatever it wants and answers to no one. That's bullshit, just wait to see what happens with Vince decides that maybe an alien vampire who is from the future isn't such a bad idea after all. By the way, from a future were chinlocks are considered EXTREME!!


The Fix

Let's face it, RAW isn't exactly flawless, but they have at least branded themselves. The other 3 brands/promotions have yet to do that. I will give ECW a break though because really this is their first full fledged week so they have an opportunity to really go somewhere. Unfortunately they are already at a disadvantage. Let's see what these brands could do to carve out their own identity and brand themselves in the eyes of the wrestling fan community…or….fanummity if you will.

Smackdown

first off let's take the time to make the belt mean something. It is obvious that Rey Rey's title reign is now beyond repair. Giving the title to Booker T may be the best fix right now. Also they need to stop the hemorrhaging and the "e" needs to leave the rest of the roster where they are. Having Super Crazy, Kash/Gibson, or any of the other cruiserweights leave would kill off the cruiserweight division and the tag division. If anything Smackdown could really brand themselves by building up the Tag and Cruiserweight division and keeping their mid-card relatively strong. Right now they need to make their show the ‘work-rate' show and let RAW shine when it comes to the big name caricatures that they are used to. Don't try to make SD another RAW, just focus on its strength and develop the two divisions that actually are strong than RAW right now.

TNA

Enough with the WCW rejects already. In their proper place an experienced wrestler is great. If things go as they should then Steiner should engage with a fairly long feud with Samoa Joe before putting him over and Nash should be putting over the X-Division at some point. Even if he beats Sabin at Slammiversary I could see TNA letting someone else like Shelley, Lethal, or even Senshi be the one to topple Nash. In spots he is pure entertainment. But remember you need these guys to give other guys the rub, not want to relive their glory days. So far Sting has both paid off and been an underwhelming addition to the roster, but I think before he leave he will have served his purpose. They really shouldn't have more than maybe 4 or so ex-WWF/WCW guys in the company at once and especially if they are dominating the main events. Bottom line, guys like Abyss, AJ, Daniels, Joe, Monty Brown, Roode, and Sharkboy (just kidding), are going to be the measuring stick by how well TNA has truly broken out. The thing is, that for the cost of having The James Gang who are definitely NOT over show up, TNA could afford 4 or 5 good Indy guys from RoH or FIP show up. The true test of success is how you build stars, not how you try to revitalize them. By year's end if one of those homegrown guys aren't holding the NWA/TNA world title, then TNA will simply by the alternative to watching old WCW Thunder tapes.

ECW

you can't have it both ways guys, its either bringing back the old ECW or creating a new one. People fault TNA for having the New Age Outlaws, Nash, and DDP come back but seem to forget that Balls Mahoney and Justin Credible weren't exactly setting the world ablaze last time we saw them. Trying to make those guys wrestle like they did back in ECW's prime is asking for trouble, you can't rely on their bodies holding up anymore. Then again how much will a CM Punk, Jamie Noble, Brent Albright, or Aaron Stevens want to risk their body every week in the hopes that ECW will be able to survive again. sure with Vince's deep pockets this has a 3 times better chance of having some form of longevity than the old ECW did, but what is going to separate this from just becoming a bunch of old men blading and WWE stars trying to remake themselves as ECW stars after they are so used to NOT going high risk.

I think ECW would do good to keep a mix of 40% old ECW wrestlers, 40% new Indy talent and 20% of WWE wrestlers who weren't as heavily associated with the WWF product, for every Angle and Big Show, you could use a Jimmy Yang or Nick Dinsmore who could change their gimmicks and become ECW stars and now WWE branded stars in ECW. I think they should take the road TNA set out and start their own Indy farm system. Not RoH though, I think there is a little Indy fed in the North East who also favors a more hardcore style of wrestling. I believe they are called….CZW. I think a Necro Butcher, Nate Webb, Chris Hero, or "Blackout" would be legit enough to follow in the ECW style and since they are East Coast based they would bring in a new audience to ECW. The more RAW/Smackdown involvement and old stars you get the more it'll seem like WWECW, if you keep it to the old ECW roster and add in some OVW or CZW guys it'll give the promotion a more unique feel. You gotta build a culture and taking hand outs from the other two main rosters is not the way to go.


The Truth

There is a lot to like about wrestling these days. I'm a HUGE wrestling fan. Why else would I be writing a weekly column that takes several days to complete for absolutely nothing. Yeah a couple days, you think pictures of "Hot Asian Bitches" are just available everywhere on the internet these days… don't answer that. for me wrestling can be almost a complete overload since now we have Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday wrestling shows on, I have a bi-weekly PWG show to attend and every Sunday is a New Japan/NWA Inoki Dojo match just a 7 minute drive from my house. And I swear one of these days I'll go to one. So it pains me to have to say this, but right now wrestling is starting to all meld into one for me right now.

RAW is the only TV show I get to consistently watch. I really know what to expect with RAW and fact of the matter, even though it actually sucks more often than it rules, RAW is the most consistent show. Smackdown is all over the place and the lack of star power and misuse of underutilization of the stars remaining is mind boggling. Impact! would usually be my favorite show but there is just too much interference for a 1 hour program. I'm not sure what to expect of WWECW but I know that since the last time I saw it, it will be markedly different. Right now I have the most free time that I've had in a while but I could really only convince my gal to stay in for maybe 3 shows a week. So right now it's a battle royal. Who is going to win my viewership? I know what I can get from RAW but what about Smackdown? Smackdown is still a viable show so long as they keep focusing on the right players. Feature their tag teams and cruiserweights, stop the raping of the roster and keep their guys healthy. Now is the time to improve Lashley's mic skills, polish up Ken Kennedy's in ring performance, solidify a real tag division and quit making bald Italian guys wear dresses. Smackdown has to find an identity because right now the only ‘branding' I see is as a red headed step child.

TNA has to be a little worried about ECW taking some of their fans…or do they? Chances are only a small handful of people will stop watching Impact because ECW is around, but the better chance is that perhaps more people who didn't watch wrestling will start seeking out more of it. TNA still provides something no one else does. The X-Division and the best Indy talent around that STILL gets to work its style of wrestling. but the problem is that TNA is falling into two divisions, the X-Division and the "Legends" division. It's time to stop featuring the old guard and start letting them put over the new guard. Take a chance with an Abyss, or Samoa Joe, or Monty Brown as champion. Give Sabin, Shelley, Lethal, or Dutt a chance to hold the X-title. TNA has to be something fresh and exciting. I'm just tired of turning on the TV and saying, "Oh shit, I remember that guy".

Now for the hardest part…E..C..W. It is no secret that I haven't been a fan of bringing this promotion back. I mean its is clear that the roster is thin enough and due to the "Wellness Program" its getting even thinner as you read this. Or this. Or….this. There was nothing that really struck me as ECW in particular except for that garbage looking battle royal and some of the old wrestlers. Its obvious that without the Dudleyz, Rhyno, Raven, Shane Douglas, and a few others it just doesn't feel like the old ECW enough. So I was hoping to get a glimpse of what the ‘New ECW' was going to be like, and I definitely got a glimpse of something. Zombies, Vampires, really bad strip tease, and a hard push for Vengence with WWE stars galore. Man I guess the "New ECW" is going to be a lot like the ‘old WWF' only this time the Evil Clowns will be from Outer Space. Oh well at lest the one thing that remained constant was seeing Justin Credible take an ass whoopin'. Oh yeah, that ass whoopin' wasn't just good, that ass whoopin' wasn't just the best, that ass whoopin' was JUST INCREDIBLE.

I think what we all need to see in the next few weeks is for these promotions and brands to get a real identity for themselves. Smackdown needs to shake the perception that they are the "B" Show and basically the ‘farm system' for the Monday show. They have good talent but horrid booking, let's try to build the cruisers and tag division since RAW doesn't realize they even have one. TNA needs to focus on the future of their homegrown talent and find a way to keep them strong against the perception that TNA is merely a "rehab center" for former WCW/WWF stars. Creating NEW stars is the only way they'll do that, but so long as Spike wants the big names of the past they'll get them. Let's just hope that with that compliance towards the Network's wishes, it'll eventually lead to that second hour that will enable them to push the Abyss', Monty Brown's, and Bobby Roode's of the company. As far as ECW goes… I don't know. They started out with a *thud* and have another few weeks before everyone jumps off the band wagon as another of Vince's ‘pet projects' gone wrong. World Body Building Federation anyone? Now don't get me wrong, I'm going to watch it because its free TV and I'll take just about any wrestling I can, but the "New ECW" has to stand for something because it clearly only looks like the old ECW but doesn't walk or quack like it. So bring in a CM Punk, or Necro Butcher, Aaron Stevens, or Ace Steel, but do it quick. Cuz' the last thing I need to see is Frankenstein taking on a wood nymph for the Dungeons and Dragons ECW Title. Then again, I would definitely be interested if this brought THIS young lady in as the next ECW valet. SHE'S HARDCORE, SHE'S HARDORE!!


Coming Up Short

I think if you watched Tuesday night you know what I'm going to say here. I'll make it pretty easy for you. Extreme means something that is far beyond the norm. If you've been watching WWE television for the past 5 years then that term should hold nothing for you. ECW needs to come back strong and learn to live off it's own hype because you keep trying to market to the ol' skool ECW fans, yet you are suckling at the proverbrial teet of RAW hoping to bring those fans over. Once again, an identity crisis of epic proportions. ECW has the next few weeks to really put over there guys or call up some ring ready OVW back up or they are going to feel a serious backlash as everyone is feeling that their debut this week just came up short.


6 Degrees of…



Since I pay attention to baseball, and Jason Grimsley is the big story nowadays, I'll go with another "apparent" steroid/HGH abuser -- your hare-lipped friend and mine, Chris Masters. Maybe connect him to the great painters of history, since he is the "Masterpiece". Or maybe to that infamous guy with the crazy-ass biceps getting arrested. I don't know, I was never any good at this. Too much PRESSURE!!!!

And just so you know, Gillan is Irish. I believe it was my great-great grandmother's maiden name. My great-grandfather was named after her, and I was named after him. It's also the last name of the initial lead singer of classic rock legends Deep Purple. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

Smoke on the water, B. Smoke on the water.

Gillan Borum


Oh man, Jason Grimsley is gone this year, that TOTALLY messes up my Fantasy Baseball team now. What a waste of a 2nd round draft pick. What? I had a hunch alright?? Well the Masterpiece of …um… ‘stuff' is apparently one of the first victims of the "Wellness Program" as he has not been seen on TV since people started talking about ECW. Yeah, that long ago. So I guess since you are forcing my hand he is this first link in this week's ‘6 Degrees'. On a side note, I figured the name Gillan would be Gaelic. For those of you who may be asking, "What's a Gaelic", the answer is, "apparently Csonka's balls for a Monday ‘fanboy' column featuring old English". The only Old English you'll find at TBT is in my left hand as I'm searching for more ‘hot Asian bitches' pics. Damn skippy. Well the Chris-terpiece deserves to be linked to another Master. A Master who is larger than life, muscular, has the acting skills of a baboons left buttcheek and wrestling skills to rival CM Piece himself. I give to you the Master of the Universe….



Oh, not He-Man, Dolph Lundgren. That dashing man about town. If that town happens to have a lot of soup kitchens and rehab centers that is. Well Dolph has risen from the ashes like a proverbrial phoenix to find a home here at TBT, till next week, then he can get his cheesy Swedish ass the hell out of my column. So get to it people. Or I will break you!!


Whatchu talkin' bout readers?

I've got mail. Surprisingly none of it is regarding my views on Ann Colter and her controversial stance on the families of the victims of 911. Which is cool, cuz' I'm trying to avoid using the words fucktard and twat in the same sentence because of copyright issues. Damn that TBN!!

Marc is feeling the Pinoy Power!! Man, if I had a dime for every time I've asked a random chick in a bar to feel mine…

Hey wasup Bayani,

Are my filipino senses tingling? Are you filipino? You must be with a name like Bayani Domingo. Anyways I'm not sure if you knew, but TNA's Puma is acutally filipino. I don't know I just didn't want people to start calling him a "Mexican" wrestler because of his involvement in the World X Cup with Team Mexico. In the Triple Threat Article it discusses him as a "Mexican" wrestler. Firstly, Puma's style isn't lucha libre but more technical reflecting his work with New Japan Pro Wrestling, not only that but blood wise he's a filipino. Personally I'm excited to have someone that's like me on tv wrestling. It's sorta like Pacquiao's recent rise to the best in boxing. Its just cool. So I just get a little peeved now that people think he's just another "Mexican" wrestler. C'mon man let your fellow contributers know who Puma really is. Help give credit where credit is due and keep representing the otherwise not represented Filipinos!

-Marc


Dude, I'm about as Filipino as Barrel Men and mom's leche' flan. Actually not that Filipino, like Puma, aka TJ Perkins I'm only half. Which, I mentioned last week. Which you probably didn't read so…welcome to TBT!! Just to reiterate last week's comments, Puma has worked in Japan/Mexico/East Coat/West Coat. Considering he's in his early twenties he's extremely well versed in most wrestling styles. Puma is more of a high flyer while TJ Perkins is more of a mat technician and submission specialist with some ‘American Strong Style" mixed in. Kinda confusing right. Well yeah, with a name like TJ Perkins, how could you not realize the man is Pinoy right? Huh? Uh… nevermind. Well like I always say, for the bet in Pinoy wrestling check out PWG where Puma/TJ, Scott Lost, and B-Boy are regulars. Oh and NO, none of these guys take their shoes off before they get in the ring.

Big Nasty Bastard wants to talk about Randy Orton's undies…hey, you tell him you won't talk about them…the man is called Big Nasty Bastard.

Hi Bayani,

Thanks for another great column.

Before I get onto my main point, I just thought I'd let you know that we have our fair share of Fine Asian Bitches here in New Zealand. We also have many other tasty "International Flavours" so to speak... Good times.

Anyway, the reason I was writing is to give you my 2 cents on your rant regarding Randy Orton wearing his wrestling gear when he came through the crowd to ambush Kurt Angle.

You thought it was ridiculous that he would bother to get into his speedos just to run in and RKO Angle, but I think you are misguided in your judgement.

Randy was simply being prepared for anything.

Randy had no idea if Plan A - "Ambush Angle with an RKO" would be successful or not. What if Angle saw him coming? What if Angle had countered the RKO? This is KURT FREAKIN' ANGLE we're talking about here. If you're gonna attack him, you better come prepared!

Randy may have had to fall back on Plan B - "Fight Tooth and Nail with an Enraged Wrestling Machine". Wearing street clothes would have put Randy at a distinct disadvantage had he actually had to fight Angle.

Randy wearing his speedos wasn't stupid - it was smart!

He was simply making sure he had all the bases covered. So kudos to young Randy for actually using his brain.

Thanks for reading this (if you actually did...) and keep up the good work.

Cheers,

Big Nasty Bastard


You know, I've actually heard people say that England has a number of hot asian ass as well. Crazy, then again I hear that the ‘talent' in Canada is about 12% less hot than here in the states. You know, with the exchange rate and all. You know the thing that got me was when young Master Orton ran in to RKO Chavo on RAW a few months back he was sporting a t-shirt and warm up pants. Ala The Rock, he was there to hit his bitch ass little finisher and run out. He was pretty much there to do the same to Kurt Angle but decided to wear his nut huggers instead. Clearly he had no intention of fighting Angle and would have fled had he been engaged in fisticuffs. So really I'm going to say that for ME, if I was going to knock a guy out, I'm probably cool with the sneaks and t-shirt. It has just never struck me as being an advantage to rock a banana hammock while the other guys has the disadvantage of pants. But you know, maybe you're right. RKO should have been ready for anything, besides, it's a quicker get away when you shit in Candace's gym bag to not have to deal with unzipping your jeans.

Chad steps up for Kane. Probably not up to the ticket office though.
I just wanted to respond to a comment you made in your latest article. You said that Kane's time for holding the Heavyweight title has passed and that he is in no shape to carry the brand. I agree that he is not the guy you want to carry the brand, but he is always a threat for the Heavyweight title. He still scares the crap out of every wrestler he faces. The fans believe that he can legitimately beat any wrestler at any time. That is important. Kane can definitely step in when needed to carry the title for a short time. A roster plagued with injuries (Smackdown) or a main eventer that needs time to take care of another feud could open the door for the Big Red Machine to have another title run. Everyone knows that Kane is unstable and only focused on beating the living daylights out of his opponents. That leaves the door open for him to drop the strap at any time. Almost all of Kane's losses (except to the Undertaker) have come from interference or distractions. That's why Vince uses Kane to scare the crap out of other main eventers by feeding them to Kane at a moments notice. HHH is a good example of this. Many times he has ranted in the middle of the ring only to have Vince interrupt and send Kane out for an impromptu match. HHH looks scared shitless and sells the big mans offense like the champ he is before getting a roll-up win or DQ himself with the help of a sledgehammer. That leaves both wrestlers strong. I'm rambling now, but my bottom line is that Kane is viewed by all wrestling fans as a guy who can still beat anyone at any time. His mental instability and tendency to be easily distracted gives everyone a chance to sneak out a win and still leave Kane looking like a psychotic monster. Kane with the title is not hard to believe. Neither is him losing the title at any time for any reason. How many champs right now have that kind of believability? Kane is the perfect transitional champ and he will be Heavyweight champ again before his time with the WWE is over.
I'll admit it, Chad makes a good point. Kane is still feared and you can tell that no main event guy wants to face him. A transitional title program could work for a month or two, but the fact is that you want to limit your "transitional champs" as much as possible so you can keep the belt strong. I still think Kane can't carry a show. He could carry the belt, I mean, if Rey can do it and Booker T is a good bet to do it soon, and…hell JBL, then Kane could become a legit threat on Smackdown. But you know the problem is, Kane brings nothing to the belt, and the belt would probably do more for someone else on the roster. The only reason to make someone a monster is to get them over without a belt. Still, if Kane were to move to SD, I might…just might be able to buy a run from him. Provided Fake Kane doesn't follow him. Oh yeah, who is under that mask you ask? Isaac Yankum of course…muahahahahahaha.

Holy shit on a shingle, you're going to have to read this next e-mail to believe it…no introductions necessary:

Ladies and gentlemen, boy and girls, children of all ages; welcome to the main event! It's the moment you have all been waiting for: the return of the man who kicked Bayani's ass for eight solid weeks, only to then got cocky defend Triple H, and got molested by the fans of 411mania like I was an OVW call-up, and it was JBL's birthday.

That's right; it's me the true and rightful winner of RantWars II…EVAN YOUNG! And I'm back to take what is rightfully mine.

And where have I been for nearly nine months you ask?

Well after being unceremoniously ousted from RantWars II, and suffering from the indignity of knowing that Andy Clark received more votes than I did, I had no choice but to drink myself to the point that even Randle's column seemed funny to me.

But I am happy to report that I am indeed alive and well, eagerly anticipating my opportunity to return triumphantly to 411mania, and make it my Kingdom. I considered applying during the last round of hirings, but realized that my work rate is on par with Chris Masters', whom I predict will return as the "Masterpiece of Flubbering Jell-O", and so without Csonka feeding me topics I was up shit creek without the proverbial paddle.

To you Bayani, I will be so gracious as to say that you have done a masterful job during your time, and have represented the RantWars II competitors nobly; good on ya!

If you ever have any work, you're welcome to throw it my way, as I am still unemployed. I'm sure I could get a job with Pro Wrestling Insider, but it takes too long to wade through all the pop-ups to submit an application.

And to all those loyal Evan Young supporters, who have had to suffer in absence of my writing, have no fear, I shall return soon enough to fight the good fight (just as soon as I get myself unbanned from the forums).

Yours Truly,


Evan Young

Had I known Evan Young was going to make such a grand entrance I would have brought some toilet paper to throw into the ring. Well I was a little more than surprised to hear that Evan wanted to make his presence known again at 411. To be honest, I won't take this seriously until I get a second e-mail from him, but I'm sure that I could find a little ‘something' for Evan in the near future. I mean, who wouldn't want to know what Nikki McKibbin, Jasmine Trias, or… I dunno, someone give me another talentless bitch to mention... what do you mean Chris Masters? Anyways, stay tuned folks, and perhaps we'll see what Evan truly has been up to since he got BOOTED out of Rant Wars 2 last year. My guess is probably 8 hours of surfing the internet for fat midget porn. Oh and Evan, if I was you, I'd be pretty pissed Randy Clerk beat me in a contest too. I mean…one that actually mattered.


"6 Degrees of….", Results.

Short list of entrants this week, but alas we soldier on.

Honorable Mention

Jean Fransisco did pretty good…if Captain America was one of the links. Captain Planet…Captain America, same diff right? No not really, cuz' I'm fairly sure Captain America got laid once in a while. Think Green…Blue Balls.

Howdy. This is Jean from the D.R., again!

Before getting to my entry, I must speak my mind. I love the six degrees section of your column. It is really good, and very unique. Don't cut it.

The Maria interviews are good too, but would work best as a monthly installment or something similar, to prevent burnout. TBT always rocks the body that rocks the office party, though.

Here goes nothing:

Captain America was played by Matt Salinger in the 1991 movie adaptation of the comics. [No, I haven't seen it either, but the critics killed it] He also played a priest in the Robin Williams movie What dreams may come. (Captain America: Williams)

Robin Williams was in the exercise in crapiness called Patch Adams, which also featured a pre-stardom Phillip Seymour Hoffman. (Williams:Hoffman)

Phillip Seymour Hoffman was in the Spike Lee joint The 25th Hour. Also
on the cast was latin sexpot [?] Rosario Dawson. (Hoffman: Dawson)

Rosario Dawson was the romantic interest of one Dwayne Johnson aka The
Rock [Yes, this is a desperate attempt to recreate magic with Bayani's
woman and reach the top spot again] (Dawson: The Rock)

The Rock was in the black power stable (Nugget not withstanding) Nation of Domination with one Mark Henry. (The Rock: Mark Henry)

Mark Henry recently obliterated Smackdown's wrestling pirate extraordinaire... Paul Burchill. (Mark Henry: Paul Burchill)

P.S. Three years ago Miss Dominican Republic won Miss Universe. Nonetheless, that was just one exception in a long line of dissapointing, but undeniably good natured attempt by God Almighty to provide us with quality bitches.

So it's settled then, dominican bitches = fugly bitches most of the time.

Later for now, B, and word to your mother.


Ha HA!! The Rock can't save you now buddy, especially when you totally fumble a link. Well fear not, I have seen this Sole Hot D.R. Chick you speak of, and good God Damn that is some spank worthy tang. I actually tried to ‘rock the body that rocked the office party' once and…well, there is a reason why the Music Section won't let me anywhere near them again. The less spoken about it, the better.


#3

Greg Pryor tries the rapid fire method by submitting as many degrees as possible, kind of like asking 10 women out in hopes of one ‘yes'. Well I guess this makes me easy then.

All answers have been heavily researched, after a two week absence old Gil wants a lick of that brass ring ( I really do hope your a Simpsons fan, because that last comment would sound quite suspicious to anyone who is not)

1)The voice of Captain Planet was David Coburn
2)He also provided voices for the video game Manhunt
3)Manhunt was also the name of a TV series starring John Cena
4)John Cena whilst United States champion changed the design of the belt as did Lance Storm when he was US champion in WCW
5)Lance Storm was in the stable the Un-American with William Regal
6)William Regal has recently been feuding with Paul Birchall


1)Captain Planet was the brainchild of Ted Turner
2)Ted Turner was married to Jane Fonda
3)Jane Fonda had a daughter called Bridget Fonda
4)Bridget Fonda starred in Jackie Brown with Samuel L Jackson
5)Samuel L Jackson once appeared in an episode of Smackdown (as shaft)
6)Smackdown now features Pirate Paul Birchall as a superstar.

1)Captain Planet was the brainchild of Ted Turner
2)Ted Turner is from Cincinnati Ohio
3)Another person from Cincinnati Ohio is Brian Pillman
4)Brian Pillman was in the Hart Foundation with Bret Hitman Hart
5)Bret Hitman Hart was in a feud in 1995 with Jean Pierre Latifff
6)Jean Pierre Lattiff had a pirate gimmick as does Paul Birchall

1)Paul Birchall before wwe was in British fed FWA (Frontier Wrestling Alliance)
2)FWA is also an anachronism for the Financial Women's Association set up on Wall Street
3)Wall Street is also a film starring Charlie Sheen as a character called Bud Fox
4)Fox is the TV network that shows the TV show the Simpson's
5)The Simpson's features a character called Mr Burns who hides his toxic waste in the park…a form of pollution (Episode Marge vs. The Monorail)
6)Captain Pollution appeared as the arch nemesis of Captain Planet in the TV show of the same name.


that is so odd because Grayson Hamill keeps asking me if I want a lick of his brass ring and unbuttoning his shirt. *Shivers* I never should have told him I liked his pink Chris Kanyon shirt. I'm a huge Simpson's fan. Especially that episode where Disco Stew pays Ms. Krabappel's to take a shit on glass table she's sitting on while he's under the table whacking off…come to think of it… that was something I downloaded….in German…huh.

#2.

Paladinfinitum debuts at #2 this week. I have no clue what that names means, although I'm fairly sure if you say that backwards it releases some kind of demon or something, either that or Candace Michelle turns back into a 420 year old witch.

Paul Burchill, when entering the WWE, was taken under William Regal's wing.

William Regal, on November 10, 2001, fought the Undertaker in a house show in Cleveland, Ohio; it was described as "surprisingly a pretty good match".

The Undertaker's famous "Undertaker vs. Undertaker" match in SummerSlam 1994 was investigated by bumbling detective Leslie Nielsen.

Leslie Nielsen is currently starring in "Gameshow Marathon" on CBS as a contestant, along with Kathy Najimy.

Kathy Najimy starred in "Sister Act", "Sister Act II: Back in the Habit", and "Rat Race", all alongside Whoopi Goldberg.

Whoopi Goldberg played the voice of Gaia, the Spirit of the Earth, on the worst cartoon ever created...CAPTAIN PLANET!


I almost forgot about Leslie Nielsen, or rather…I was trying so damn hard to until you came along…damn it. Great, Kathy Najimy, Whoopi Goldberg…thanks for just totally making me picture those broads and scaring me impotent. Damn, I think I need to take something now for that little problem…



Ahhh…all better now.


#1.

It was bound to happen, the improbably, the impossible, the mind boggling triumphant entry of : Mark Satrang


Here's the link to the TV Title tournament match between Van Dam and
Nash:
http://www.prowrestlinghistory.com/supercards/usa/wcw/titletny.html#tv93

I have a feeling you found Charlie Nor-Haas new gimmick: woman beater. I think Charlie fell backwards into a PPV match at Vengeance when he knocked Lilian off that ring apron. Maybe he should follow his buddy Bob Holly and see if he can get his neck broken and then come back and get a World Title match. Ah, who am I kidding, if Charlie got his neck broken he'd get fired faster than Test did in the same situation. Maybe Maria can interview Rob Conway next, hopefully she wouldn't get him confused with Buff Bagwell. Anyways....

6 degrees of Captain Planet and Pirate Paul Birchill:

1) Captain Planet was created by a combination of earth, wind, fire, water and heart...
2) Three of those elements, Earth, Wind & Fire, created an American funk band in the late '60s and had a song called "Let's Groove..."
3) "Let's Groove" is a playable song on the Dance Dance Revolution arcade game, which was featured in the movie "Grandma's Boy," (two weeks in a row? I might have found my weekly staple...) a movie produced by Adam Sandler's Happy Madison productions...
4) Sandler co-starred in the 2005 remake of The Longest Yard featuring
such acting luminaries as Kevin Nash, Steve Austin, Bill Goldberg and Dalip Singh...
5) Singh, now known as Bayani's favorite wrestler The Great Khali beat Funaki on the April 21, 2006 SmackDown...
6) Funaki and Scotty 2 Hotty lost to William Regal and Paul Burchill on the September 1, 2005 SmackDown...


Was this entry that much better than anyone else's this week? Maybe not. Do I feel a little guilty for docking him points last week for that Van Damn/Nash match I couldn't find? Possibly. Did my love for Dance Dance Revolution sway my vote this week? Probably. Did I figure I'd have to let Mark win one of these weeks before his head literally exploded like Kevin Nash's ACL in a wrestling ring. Bingo!! Either way congrats Mark as you get to pick one individual to add to the ‘6 degrees' mix next week. Man, I still have "Butterfly" stuck in my song sometimes….um…when I'm at the gym of course. You know… bench pressing like…300 lbs and stuff. Ay, iyaiyai, I'm your little butterfly. Damn catchy stuff I tells ya.


Left Overs…

  • Tommy Dreamer would never prostitute himself like Mick Foley did. Unless of course you mean eating random shit like your own vomit out of a bucket is considered "prostitution". Or if you consider drinking toilet water or eating food off the ground as part of a gimmick, "prostitution". Perhaps if you think that having the Undertaker make you drink a plastic cup of tobacco spit is considered "prostitution". Or even if you think that having sex or engaging in sexual activities in "exchange" for "money" is prostitution. No wait…that really is prostitution. The other stuff was just "retarded".

  • Non-Wrestling tidbit of the Week: Studies show that men ages 18 – 30 without cars are 90% least likely to get some ‘tang than those who have a car. Studies also show that wrestling fans who own a car are still 90% least likely to get laid then…pretty much anyone else.

  • So my girl's lil' bro…let's call him…Brandon for anonymity sake is just as big of a ‘mark' as his sis is. He gave me his picks for Slammiversary this weekend and SWORE he knew who was going to win. I told him I'd post his picks for all the ..uh..14 people who ready my column to see so when he comes out wrong compared to my round table picks I could shove it in his …FACE!! He picked Team 3D, Sabin, FallenStyles, Christian, Rhyno, Samoa Joe, and LAX. Yeah, not sure about that last one. Then again, he's quite a ‘mark', and you know what they say, "LAX marks the spot". Which is more of a reference to Konnan's ‘golden' initiation than a pun.

  • Alright, when Justin credible is rockin' the t-shirt under a blazer w/ jeans look, its time to jump the FUCK off the fashion band wagon people. What next? Balls Mahoney wearing his pink polo shirt with the collar up? Or Sandman getting a ‘Gucci' crackpipe?

  • HBK is wearing a chicks camisole. For the second time this year. Why do I have a feeling he moved to those swank pleather pants not to hide his knee braces but to hide his granny panties?

  • What's gayer? HHH having a serious thong tan line during RAW's mooning of Vince McMahon this week? Or noticing it? Nah, I'm still going with wearing a spaghetti strap camisole.

  • I don't understand why you would hire a fairly hot, porn star-ish looking blonde for ECW and then not teach her how to take her own bra off. Well then again, my guess is now that she'll be traveling with the likes of Sandman, Justin Credible, and the like she won't have to worry about having to take it off herself, just how she'll wash the stench of cigarettes and regret off of her.

  • From the main page, "The Undertaker vs. The Great Khali & Mark Henry is being advertised as the dark main event for the June 20th Smackdown taping in Albany." Flowers and letters of condolescence can be sent in advanced to Stamford, CT c/o Smackdown Creative.

  • Trish plus Pamela Anderson = the worst two chick kiss since Rosie O'Donnell and (blank).

  • Maven is single handedly showing the WWE that he doesn't need them to get his 15 mins of fame. What with the "Surreal Life" and his new gig on BET. The question remains will be if the politicking backstage by the "106th and Park" crew will keep him in his 3 am Sunday time slot or not.

  • So that's what happens when the entire women's division is hurt huh? Lord knows that watching two women whose only talent is being able to keep silicone suspended 4 feet in the air run around a ring and douse each other with water is the kind of thing that you can only get on Monday Night RAW. Or… "Big Wet Asses 3". Seriously, that DVD will TOTALLY change your views on Big Wet Asses forever.

  • The new John Cena shirts are coming out this week. The front of the shirt features the ‘Chain Gang' symbol with the back of the shirt reading: Hustle, Loyalty, Resthold.

  • Apparently women wrestlers must take pregnancy tests in Missouri a week prior to their participating in events. This was enacted recently by the Missouri state legislature and goes for any contact sport like boxing or martial arts even hanging out with Gene Snitsky.

  • King of The Mountain match at Slammiversary looks promising. Everyone has their picks and I think the one guy nobody thinks will win might surprise some people. I think when you look at everyone, Ron Killings looks like a real darkhorse. Yeah, it was black joke. Deal with it.

  • A lot of non-finishes at the ECW PPV. Man, I guess Paul Heyman didn't have the extra $50 huh? That IS the going right for getting finished off these days right? Right? Cook….I'm talking to you.

  • Random Good Lookin' Asian Bitch Pic of the Week



    The Power of Christ COMPELS THEE, the Power of Chris COMPELS THEE…to show us your TITS!!


  • JBL cuts a Smackdown promo during the ECW PPV. Which truly was a brilliant idea. *damn I need to figure out how to use sarcasm emoticons in my column* Its kind of like giving a girl a business card for your buddy while she's giving you a hummer.

  • So they use Styles-ference to allow Taz to slap on the Tazmission on Lawler and keep him strong by not having him tap, but rather pass out? Great. I guess they have to keep him strong for when they decide he has to take on Super Crazy in the 6 sides of STEEL!! What? So creative can recycle old angles but I can't recycle old jokes? Recycle them…TO THE EXTREME??

  • Maria takes a break this week as it seems that no one really gives a shit except Jean. However she will be making sporadic appearances in the near future to ask those hard hitting questions that only she could ask. Prior to be sexually molested. No wait, I guess Todd Grisham could ask those too.


    Pimpin' In High Places

    I got nothing funny to say about these guys. Most of these guys do a damn good job, while one of these guys sucks phat donkey dick. I betcha can't guess which one:

    Sforcina finally finished off Sting. Hmm…I hope he got extra for that "happy ending". Retardless, I'm still awaiting the El Dandy scheme damn it!!

    ASK 411 is a heavy burden which has been picked up by Chris Clarke. My question is: Can El Dandy build a ring so high that even he himself can not plancha over it? I just blew your fuckin' mind didn't I?

    The Leprechaun to my Finlay talks about how if Angle had only picked Grandmaster Sexay for his team 3 years ago Angle would be like a Senator and the world would be run by giant apes or immense intelligence or something. Shit I don't know, I only skim the thing. But you should go read it. No really, go read it.

    JP somehow brain washed you people into thinking Rainbow Brite was innocent. You poor stupid diluted fools. So help me if I find that ‘impactfan27' had anything to do with this, I'm disowning you.

    Meehan shows us that everything in the world is just peachy keen and hunky dory. Oh yeah Mee-hizzle, well take a look at THIS. Yeah, still feel okaly dokaly now?

    Jules talks about the Top Ten TNA matches. My choice would be that last Wet and Wild Diva's match on Mon….oh …not that kinda T n' A. Well shit, I dunno, someone write in and suggest that Arm Wrestling contest then.

    AC talks about RVD and throws a hissy fit about ECW. Yeah, that's right Andy, you rage against the machine. I'mma go try to find naked pictures of "Kelly" on the web. Hey, it worked for Mickie James right? And Candace Michelle….and Ashley…and…

    The 1-2-3 Kids call Puma Mexican. Meaning Bush ain't doing a good enough job to fortify our borders. I wonder how Alex is enjoying the lead off position now? Well…I would KNOW if that fucker would write to say thanks. Damn Curtain Jerker.

    Ari talks about more RoH and by proxy some PWG regulars. Just wait till he watches Night 2 of BoLA. Just get a nice bottle of your favorite beer, He-Brew, and strap in.

    JT/JP talk about a whole lotta wrasslin'. Mainly some highlights that are hidden. Unless you go to the DVD menu and click on the star on Kamala's tummy. Easter Eggs RULE!!

    He's BOSSY but he rules with an iron fist. Which is cool, cuz' I used to work for a guy with an iron lung…and it was just awkward at staff meetings.

    The Vaginal Warts to my Lita brings you News from Cooks Corner. What seperate Cook from the rest of the News Guys. Simple: his nubbin.

    Before I go this week I wanted to address a little…sit-chee-at-shun that has occurred recently. It seems as though someone has possibly been messing with my IP info. I'm not going to go too much into detail but for some reason someone has the same IP address I do, which makes it look a little suspicious, except for the fact that they have an IP address originating from West Paducah, Kentucky and mine comes from some place else. So if that person would kindly quit fucking with my shit, then that would be extremely appreciated. If not, well, there is nothing I can do, except…probably trace you like I already did and administer such pain and agony on your pathetic ass that you will beg for death. Yeah, that's right…I'll make you read every entry to Rant Wars Evan Young ever wrote, I'm serious man…I'll fucking do it.

    Till then, the Truth will set you free.

    -B





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