MeeThinks 7.11.06: The Impact Zone Adventure!!!
Posted by John Meehan on 07.11.2006
EXLUSIVE photos and a SPOILER-ific report from inside the Impact Zone!
Long time no see!
Welcome back to your weekly dose of IWC optimism with a brand new installment of MeeThinks!
Sorry I missed y'all for the 4th of July, but as you might recall from last time — I spent the past week livin' it up in sunny Orlando for the Meehan Family Vacation to Walt Disney World and Universal Studios! And, being the die-hard wrestling fan that I am, I was absolutely *thrilled* to discover that my vacation week just so happened to coincide with a back-to-back taping of not one but TWO episodes of our "sixty minute adrenaline rush" — TNA iMPACT!!!
So…
While the rest of the IWC was gasping in collective shock and awe when Rob Van Dam was busted for drug use (what?! NO!), Mee and the family were cheering our lungs out in the Impact Zone. And lemme' tell you…
"THAT WAS AWESOME!!! (clap, clap, clapclapclap)"
As you've probably guessed, then, this week's column will be a bit of a departure from our normal "look on the bright side of controversial issue X" approach to things. After all, part of being an optimistic and positive-minded wrestling fan simply demands that we check our fanboy swagger at the door from time to time and appreciate the product for what it is… both good and bad. That said, while I had a phenomenal time at the show and I've got plenty of fun and exciting stories to tell about the talent of TNA and the quality of its programming, I'll warn you in advance this column might well catch some folks by surprise as it may (from time to time) be forced to share a few "sad but true" remarks about some of TNA's "finest."
All that said, though — an OUTSTANDING show! A boatload of EXCLUSIVE photos and tons of stories to tell, so let's quit stalling and get right to it!
(note: Since this column is loaded with live show thoughts and photos galore, it will be a bit of a break from our normal format, and so there won't be any glossary entries or reader mail to be had this time around as a result. We'll be back to our regularly-scheduled format next week, though — so keep those e-mails coming!)
Rock and roll.
Our Story So Far…
On July 1, I joined the rest of the Meehan clan for a family vacation to Orlando, Florida. After two days of Disney-filled magic, we boarded a (non-licensed?) taxi and made our way to Universal Studios — home of two full-size amusement parks (Islands of Adventure is like Six Flags on steroids!) and, of course, the bi-weekly tapings of TNA iMPACT (at Studio 27… the very same place that used to house all of those Nickelodeon shows like Guts and the like). The tapings are free to the general public, and (to cut down on overhead) are taped with two week's worth of episodes filmed immediately back-to-back of one another.
So —
THIS COLUMN WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS AS TO THE OUTCOMES OF THE JULY 13 EPISODE OF TNA iMPACT!!!
You've been warned.
Alright, let's get to this week's…
MeeThinks?
Rather than go for a point-by-point breakdown of the show, I figured it'd be much easier to recap things in a chronological fashion. Along the way, I'll be sharing photos taken at the even and I'll highlight some of the evening's standout performers and most memorable events. And trust Mee… there's plenty of stories to share!
For starters…
The taping doesn't actually begin until 7pm, but fans are allowed to enter the arena at 6pm. When we got to the studio in the middle of the afternoon (just after 2pm, I think) a good 30 or so of the uber-hardcore fans had already begun to line up (and camp out) in the covered cueing area just outside of the arena doors (a smart idea, considering the mid-afternoon downpour that was to follow). Kinda' looked like the opening night of a Star Wars movie, really… except you can just substitute pro wrestling t-shirts for Darth Vader costumes.
But anyway…
One of the security guards told the crowd (read: Mee) that we were more than welcome to stay, but that they wouldn't be opening doors before 6pm. This meant that anybody in line would be chilling there for a solid three-plus hours. A fine idea, I thought, but the rest of the themepark (and a late post-lunch snack) was calling my name… so I decided to return just around the security-personnel-recommended-time of 5pm.
When I rejoined the line at 5pm, there was probably a good 100 more people or so in front of Mee than there'd been last time. No matter, though — as I was informed well in advance that the Impact Zone was a relatively *small* venue (little did I know) — and so there was really no harm in falling a few hundred people further back down the line. So anyhow — 5:15(ish) and we're at a pretty good spot in line, maybe 150 people from the front of the line, and then it was just time for the infamous pre-show waiting game. Not surprisingly, those few scattered chants of "let us in! let us in!" and the like quickly fell on deaf ears.
At 6pm (or just thereabouts), security personnel drops the rope and opens the gates to the right-hand-side of the studio back lot; a clear indication that it's "bumrush the doors" time for all of the fans (which, by now, numbered in the mid-to-upper hundreds) who'd been so patient for the past few hours. Unfortunately for arena personnel (and some of the younger, smaller and weaker fans of the bunch…) — the whole "open the gates" trick really just served as a free-for-all for fans to break from their tidy little cueing area as they each hit a dead sprint for the arena doors.
It was like a busload of sorority chicks let loose at the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale.
Wisely, the kind folks at TNA/Universal Studios thought it'd be in everyone's best interest to have this "sprint to the doors" trick lead to yet ANOTHER cueing area much like the first. Unfortunately for them, however, all semblance of the neatly-ordered line from the earlier waiting area was completely shot to shit as the herd stampeded (and ducked a few retaining rope-lines) to push as close to the actual studio entrance as possible. You can see what that all looked like right here…
Nutty, eh?
After another 15 minute wait (and a healthy round of Ric Flair-esque "Whoo!" choruses started by none other than my father… fully decked in his Hulk Hogan-inspired red, white and blue feather boa and all) the studio doors finally opened and the entire crowd was permitted entry to the Impact Zone. Thanks to our primo spot in line, we were able to get insanely close to the ringside area in the "standing room only" section right along the guardrail.
Two quick photos to show y'all just how close we really were:
But — discretion being the better part of valor, and all — we ultimately opted to grab our bleacher seats in the set of risers directly in line with the camera. The Impact Zone is TINY (we're talking probably less than 2000 people tiny!), and there's really only one "camera side" to speak of. Sure, they scatter a few fans along the guardrails and behind the announce table and whatnot… but for the most part what you're seeing on television is nothing more than your standard "trick photography 101." The side of the arena where the cameras are placed really don't offer *any* seating whatsoever, save the little bit in the front row and then two pie-slice-like sections behind the announce table and near the face's entrance ramp (all told, *maybe* 500 people can sit on that side, tops!).
So yeah, we decided to sit on the opposite side. Sure, it meant that the wrestlers' backs would be facing us as they played to the camera… but again, seating on the other side was slim pickin's at best, and I'd much rather sit closer and be noisy than be stuck underneath a camera and never have any of my ridiculous, over-the-top antics make the broadcast, ya' know?
Exactly.
Since the Meehan fam was all traveling in our neatly coordinated bright yellow mass of Hot Dog Johnny's t-shirts (the pride of Buttzville, New Jersey… and no, I'm not kidding) — we figured that sitting right in line with the camera with our big yellow blob of color would be a surefire way to score some TV time (and if you go back and watch the tape again, you'll soon discover that our wager paid off!).
Here's us, proudly representing our Hot Dog Johnny's pride:
So now, with our shirts in full view and our seats firmly secured right at eye's level with the camera… we counted down the seconds until the first iMPACT taping began!
Funny (and TRUE) little anecdote (SPOILERS INCLUDED):
Unlike RAW and Smackdown!, who tend to tape their "B-shows" (like HeAt and Velocity) *before* their regularly-scheduled television programs, TNA opts to tape their Global Impact and TNA Global Impact "B-show" broadcasts immediately *after* the second of their two regularly-scheduled iMPACT tapings! But before they let you sit on the camera side, the arena coordinator comes over to the section and makes you promise that you're going to stay through the ENTIRE TAPING, warning that if we weren't willing to stick around till the very last match that our absence would "leave a really big hole on television" and that she'd be none too pleased to try and fill it mid-show.
So if you wanna' sit camera-side, be prepared to stay through TWO iMPACTs before capping your evening off with at least two undercard "main event" matches for Global Impact.
Fair enough, I suppose.
This meant that rather than having our night end with the main event of the second hour iMPACT main event (Team Canada vs. Team 3D, Rhino and Jay Lethal)… our night actually ended with a "semi-main" match of Homicide versus Shark Boy (two guesses as to who won THAT one…) and a "featured contest" of Chris Sabin & Sonjay Dutt taking on the Diamonds in the Rough, Elix Skipper & David Young (again… you'll NEVER guess who won ;-).
All told, I can't help but think that this taping order is a pretty silly idea. I mean yeah, you want to make sure that your crowd still has plenty of energy left to cheer for the main event of your second hour's iMPACT show (and so the argument could be made that the crowd is more likely to cheer if it comes at the 2:00 mark rather than the 2:30 one) — but then again, there's also something to be said for "ending the night on a high note," and for many fans in attendance… watching Jay Lethal score the shocking upset win (to secure a title shot, no less!) was probably a bit more dramatic than watching Simon Diamond and the Diamonds in the Rough tease a whacky heel miscommunication breakup to close out the evening.
But free tapings are free tapings, I suppose… and beggars can't be choosers, right?
Ok, back to the show…
TNA iMPACT! (aired July 6, 2006)
Things kicked off right around 7pm with the pyro, lights and cameras. Our ring announcer, David Penzer, informed us that the TNA camera would sweep the entire audience and that everybody should cheer their lungs out when the cameras started rolling — as the cameras would catch *every single person* in the arena. They also promised free t-shirts to whoever screamed the loudest (SPOILER: the prizes ALWAYS go to a ten-year-old kid). I called bullshit, but no matter. Watching that video back again, I deduced that *regardless* of who was cheering the loudest, TNA was absolutely telling the truth about the fact that just about *every single person* in attendance did, in fact, make the camera at one time or another during the broadcast.
But anyhow…
Show numero uno kicked off with a pre-taped Christian Cage interview with Jeremy Borash. Interestingly (and perhaps inexplicably) — the fans in the arena were also shown this same video, but all of our crowd audio was cut out when the thing aired for television. As my esteemed colleagues noted, Captain Charisma was, in fact, sporting a pretty sizable cross around his neck during the interview, but careful viewers will note that Christian's attire had little to do with his born-again tag team partner, as he's been rocking some variation of the "Hey look! I'm Bono!" neck Rosary for some time now.
This leads Mee to interesting TNA fact number 303981: TNA will screw with the show's audio — be forewarned!
Save your vocal chords and don't bother cheering or booing through pre-taped video interviews, as (unlike WWE broadcasts) they are all aired fresh (without crowd audio) once the show goes live. While you're at it, you can play the same "screw with the audio, eh?" game with TNA production and STILL get on TV as if you were the most rabid fan in attendance. How's that? Just save your vocal chords for the fun cheers and simply lip-sync right along with the rest of the crowd on those "obligatory" crowd cheers (like the "and entering the ring at a combined weight of 570 pounds…" (CHEER!) sorts of things). The cameras *LOVE* panning to fans that look like their screaming their heads off for even the least important performers on the roster (sorry, Kenny King) — and since the post-production announcer-talk and commentary will assuredly overlap the crowd audio, the cameras *won't* ever catch on if all you're doing is pantomiming a cheer at the "top of your lungs" (wink wink).
Oh right, there's a show going on…
Our first match of the night featured DC's own Sonjay Dutt squaring off against the Latin American eXchange's favorite Puerto Rican, Homicide. (Konnan and Hernandez were also at ringside, and if you go back and watch the tape again you can totally make out Mee waving a yellow flip-flop at K-Dawg in a vain attempt to get him to throw his shoe).
But back to Homicide and Sonjay — both of these guys can GO in the ring, and it was definitely a smart move on the part of TNA management to start a 2.5-hour-long show off with such high-energy performers as these two. By the looks of things just ten feet or so away from the ring, Homicide is one STIFF m'effer, for sure… but his offense really worked the crowd into a nice little opening match frenzy to help set the pace for the rest of the evening. His arsenal was *so* engaging, in fact, that yours truly and the fans just behind Mee were more than happy to parody the traditional "TWO!" chant and let out a long, vowel-heavy "DOHHHSSS!!!" every time our boy Homicide scored a two-count.
Sonjay, meanwhile, showed some tremendous crowd-savvy for a guy who's just six months my senior (he's only 24, ya' know). Homicide was scoring near-falls left and right, and the crowd was totally loving the guy as a result (as the ethnically-sensitive "DOS!" cheers indicated). But Sonjay was not to be forgotten. After earning a two count for his efforts following one of his very few pin attempts (just after nailing the second-rope-moonsault), I shouted "HEY SONJAY! HOW DO YOU SAY ‘TWO' IN HINDI?!"
Without missing a beat, Dutt actually answered Mee as he slung Homicide into the ropes, stared right up at our section and quickly shot up his right hand with two fingers in the universal "two fingers means two count" sign. If you go back to the tape and watch the sequence just after the Lionsault, you'll even see that our little exchange made it to the broadcast!
Awesome.
Following the match, Ron Killings hit the ring to a mixed reaction that could probably best be summed up as "surreal." For the most part, his save of poor Sonjay was well-received… but when he started in with the chants of "WHAT'S UP!?" he was soon met with a pretty solid return chorus of "WHAT'S UP!?" and "YOU SUCK!" Interestingly, the two chants are virtually indistinguishable when uttered simultaneously, and so a lot of what sounds like the pro-Killings heat that comes across on TV might well, in fact, be a pretty fair mix of bad with the good.
Ahh, the wonders of post-production television, eh?
Speaking of post-production, by the way —
The Christy Hemme bumper-videos, for those of y'all who are wondering, are *NOT* filmed as the show "goes to commercial." The disbanding of Team Canada video didn't play for the live crowd either, and the audio from the Slick Johnson/Zybysko confrontation also was unintelligible while in live attendance. So while fans at home got a neat little snippet to tease Slick's later appearance in the show (and a "slick" little video montage to hype the Team Canada match that we'd ultimately see taped later in the evening), for the live fans it was a strange little "wow, nothing's happening" lull for the next five minutes or so.
Well it *would* have been a lull, that is… if it weren't for:
So Cal Val.So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!
At each intermission, So Cal Val would rile up the crowd with the promise of a free TNA t-shirt to whoever screamed the loudest. As you can see in the photo above, she was *totally* sizing Mee up… but that good for nothin' production guy was all about the cockt-shirtblock, and he made sure that each of Val's giveaway t-shirts — without fail — went to a prepubescent iMPACT fan who couldn't even make Space Mountain's 40" or more height requirement.
But don't let the results of the giveaways fool ya… she *totally* wanted a piece of Mee.
Oh yeah.
Back to the show…
Eric Young made his way out next, and the guy is CRAZY over with the TNA crowd. Almost immediately, the "don't fire Eric!" chants started up at full volume, and the fans totally ate it up when he joined in Slick Johnson's shenanigans to help distribute the Photoshopped Larry Zybysko pictures to the crowd. Slick was likewise over with the TNA crowd in his own right, and he played his part to perfection as the night rolled on. His hand signals for each "two" count became so dramatic at one point that my dad actually started shouting "come on, Slick! What was the count!?!" after every near-fall just so that Johnson would ham it up with another over-the-top method of putting his hands up for the "two." It was subtle at first, with a slight "Wolfpac" looking hand sign to distinguish the count… but from there, Slick just had a ball with it as he would alternately roll his hands in a circle, zig-zag them back and forth, and make like he was pantomiming the head of a shadow puppet gazelle to let us know that yes, the count was still "TWO!!!"
Though I know some folks (like Boss Larry) will disagree, I can't say enough good things about Slick Johnson and his respectable little mini-push. The guy is a naturally charismatic worm-of-a-referee, and his presence makes even the most insufferably slow or one-sided of matches thoroughly entertaining for the live fans in attendance. When Sen Si was squashing the crap out of Jerelle Clark, for example, the audience still had the chance to cheer throughout the contest even though we all knew what the outcome would be. You can thank Slick Johnson for that one… so here's a photo of the man as my sign of appreciation for all of his charismatic goodness.
See that snicker? He *SO* knows he's over.
Next up was Monty Brown versus Kenny King. Though we all knew this one would be a squash, it was sure nice to see both men putting on a show for us along the way. Once Monty was announced, Kenny King began to puff his chest out and shrug up his shoulders to himself look more muscular. Dunno of the camera caught it, but a nice little "Hidden Highlight" for the live crowd nonetheless.
Monty Brown, meanwhile, was as impressive a physical specimen as I've ever seen in a wrestling ring… and I've been in spitting distance from Brock, ‘Taker, Goldberg and The Big Show! This guy just *looks* the part of a professional wrestler, and the sheer impact of his offense is definitely enough to cement the guy as a bona fide ass-kicker. Having seen countless Pedigrees, Superkicks, Stone-Cold-Stunners, Spears and Batista Bombs both on television and at live events, I can honestly say that I've never seen (or heard) a move look (and sound) as sick as the Pounce. I was skeptical when I saw the thing on TV, but damn… there is simply no give when you've got live visual confirmation that yes, a 300-pounder really is launching his shoulder at you at full force. That sickening "thuck" sound when the move connected will definitely help me remember that one for years to come.
Monty's promo skills, on the other hand, leave A LOT to be desired. Too mechanical, too forced, and too stilted. His in-ring style is just no-nonsense that his obviously pre-programmed promos simply don't connect. In the ring, Monty looks like he could kick your ass FOR REAL… but on the mic, he's reduced to nothing but a cheaply-constructed "look, I'm a pro wrestler!" cartoon. "Hypofit?" Who the hell in a real fight would EVER call somebody a name like that? "Big game like YOU Rhino?" Are you kiddin' Mee?
Monty's got a tremendous look and a remarkable amount of talent to boot, but he *really* needs to step up his promo game if he's ever to be taken seriously as the main-event level threat he should, by all rights, already be.
Moving on…
The Paparazzi Productions vignette ("that old chestnut!") was priceless and made for a perfect setup for the in-ring antics that we saw on Thursday night. Unfortunately for those fans in live attendance, we were not shown the pre-taped video of the trio's backstage meeting, and so what unfolded in the ring was a bit abrupt to say the least. We were also surprised (as many viewers at home were, I'd wager) to learn that Johnny Devine had inexplicably been added to the Nash entourage. More than a few "Who are you!? Who are you!?" chants were directed at the former Team Canada star as a result.
When Nash hit the ring with a body bag at the ready, my family (and many the folks behind us) took it upon themselves to shout out your usual stuff like "Hey Nash! What's in the bag? Is it your quad!?" "Is it Scott Hall?!" and the like. The one that actually got Big Sexy laughing, though, is when somebody (perhaps it was even Mee, come to think of it) yelled out "Is it your CAREER!?" That made Nash crack a smile, which my brother Jeremy (the one in the lucha mask) took as a perfect sign of Big Sexy's weakness and all the more reason to keep ribbing on him with shouts of "Ahh! Is that a SMILE I see?! Are ya' gonna' lose it!?" Kinda' like watching Jimmy Fallon break character during an SNL sketch, really. Good times.
Meehans = 1, Old Timers = 0.
Big Kev regained his composure almost immediately, but it was nice to see that the Meehan family still had what it took to make even an old pro like Nash crack, if only for an instant. Made us feel, I dunno… "influential," even. Some might go as far as to say "brazen."
This would come in handy later.
Following the match and the Lethal run-in, we were all treated to that pre-taped Samoa Joe interview (which, again, would later air sans crowd cheers). Too bad TNA opted to kill the crowd audio for the television broadcast of this segment, too… because we'd TOTALLY popped like crazy when Joe appeared on the arena screens, and hearing something like that on your home television is a great way to let fans at home know just how over a certain performer really is.
But alas, no crowd audio for the television airing of the Samoa Joe interview.
Which is too bad, too… because I *totally* had my section rolling with a huge cheer of "SAMOA JOE IS MY MYSPACE FRIEND!!!"
Le sigh…
Ok, main event numero uno… "The Biggest Main Event in TNA iMPACT History!!!"… Scott Steiner and Jeff Jarrett versus Christian Cage and Sting.
Steiner hit the ring first, so I'll share a photo of him with y'all now…
If you thought he was built when you saw him on TV, let Mee assure you that he's twice as freakishly large in person.
So, of course, the crowd decided to rile him up.
A ballsy young lad in the front row got Steiner started on his way down to ringside. The kid had to be like 18, tops, and here he was getting all up in Steiner's face and talking shit on "the man with the largest arms and shortest fuse in professional wrestling." Mad props from Mee for that one, as it really got the guy's goat and totally made him easy pickens for the remainder of the night. You can see that their little shouting match actually made it to TV, too… though the cameras quickly cut away for when Steiner told the kid (and I quote) to "shut the fuck up and suck my mother fucking dick, bitch."
(Somewhere, Bayani is undoubtedly booking the next flight to Orlando to take Steiner up on that offer…)
But anyhow… Steiner hit the ring in all his steroid-fueled glory, and then made the mistake of jaw-jacking at our section.
Bad idea.
Building from my brother's earlier success at making Nash crack a smile, I decided to see if I couldn't get a rise out of Big Poppa Pump. Of course, the "steroids" crack was a no-brainer… and I totally started in on the guy with just about every needle/Barry Bonds/drug policy/etc. joke I could come up with. And — since I'd been saving my voice for precisely this sort of moment — I was LOUD, too… and MAN did that make Steiner mad. As soon as his eyes caught mine, I proceeded to mimic the universal "Oooh lookat mee! I'm shooting up drugs into my wimpy little muscles" hand motion. And, true to his roid-ragin' form, Steiner was PISSED.
"YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, YOU LITTLE BITCH!" he shouted. "YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING PUSSY I EVER MET IN MY LIFE!!!"
Ah Scotty, Scotty, Scotty… you should know better than to mess with an IWC loudmouth! After all, whereas your brawn has long been your sole source of income, people like Mee — having mastered the art of verbal sparring through years of "hiding behind my computer and living in my parent's basement" — are TOTALLY going to own you when it comes to any and all non-physical confrontations. The shouting match continued, with Mee and those around Mee having an absolute ball at Steroid Steiner's expense. The more angry he got, the sloppier he became and the more fun we all had laughing at him and piling on the boos. Not to mention those distinctly audible chants of "Stehhhh-roids!!!" "Stehhhh-roids!!!" (to the cadence of Strawberry's infamous cheer of "Darrrrr-uhhhllll!" "Darrrrr-uhhhllll!") that you can even make out on the television broadcast in spite of the commentators' best efforts to drown them out.
All match long, our section was just ALL OVER Steiner for every one of his flubbed moves (his trademark ugly belly-to-belly suplexes abounded), pulled punches (the belt-shots post match missed both Sting and Christian's heads by a good six inches apiece), and blown spots (he totally botched the Stinger Splash sequence by falling out of the corner before Sting could land the move, thus forcing Sting to rack both heels up in the opposite corner and try again). In the end, Steiner had blown the Stinger Splash sequence so badly that when Sting and Christian embraced post-match, from where we were sitting my dad was even able to make out that Sting twice told Christian "That wasn't right… he messed up the Splash!" when all was said and done.
Meehans = 2, Old Timers = 0.
We were off to a fine start!
< / first hour taping>.
Now, onto start the second hour…
TNA iMPACT! (to air July 13, 2006)
***(WARNING: PLENTY OF SPOILERS AHEAD!!!)***
After the first show had wound down with the Samoa Joe run-in and the Christian Cage "what should I do with this here championship belt?" cliffhanger (we all chanted "Put it on! Put it on!" but, alas, all he did was hold it aloft before respectfully leaving it in the middle of the ring), Penzer informed us that the TNA tapes would be up and running for the second hour's worth of iMPACT tapings in a show that would be headlined by an "All or Nothing Eight Man Tag" pitting Team Canada against Team 3D, Rhino and Jay Lethal.
(See, the backstage vignette y'all saw hyping this match for "next week's iMPACT" was not yet available at the time of the taping. So Penzer had to explain to us that the show would culminate in a "winner-take-all" style eight man, where Team Canada would be forced to disband if they lost while *whoever* scored the pinfall would earn a guaranteed title shot down the line. Perhaps it was the mark in Mee talking, but I was *totally* sure I'd be seeing Eric Young score the fluke victory).
Anyhow…
Penzer told us to cheer Rhino's name to start this next hour's worth of television, as "the person cheering the loudest will receive a free t-shirt!!!" (SPOILER: It went to another 10-year-old). Penzer informed us that at the count of three, we were to cheer Rhino's name as loud as we could, and that the cameras would start rolling as soon as we had the cheer in full swing.
The trick, however, was that the cameras were rolling throughout the whole thing, alright… (I should know, I sat facing them and saw the red "on" light throughout the segment), but thanks to the magic of post-production, the fans at home would never get to see or hear the killer segment we were all about to take part in.
Rhino hit the ring to a deafening chorus of loudest-gets-a-prize-induced-cheers, and he came carrying a red sack with what I (foolishly) thought might have been thumbtacks. From here, I'll just let Rhino do the talking since his promo was pretty freakin' awesome. Allow Mee to paraphrase as best as I can, from memory:
"Two weeks ago, I got a call from Vince McMahon offering me a job in ECW. Vince McMahon wanted me to be a part of the new ECW and he wanted me to bring my titles with me since I was the last person EVER to hold the Television Champion and the ECW Titles… AT THE SAME TIME!!!
Well I talked to Vince McMahon, and I told him that I'm NOT joining the new ECW, and I'm staying RIGHT HERE in TNA!!! (cheers, followed by the obligatory "T-N-A" chants) As far as I'm concerned (holds up the bag) that title's MINE and I'm keeping it right here with me at ringside from now on! (cheers) I'd take it out and show it to you all right now if it weren't for the fact that Vince McMahon would sick his lawyers on me for showing it on TNA television (booos)…
But I'll tell you what I told Vince. I told him that he's more than welcome to have his titles back, all he has to do is come down here to ORLANDO FLORIDA (***) to THE IMPACT ZONE (***) and take it from me!!! (crazy cheers)
But Vince McMahon is NOT gonna' show up here tonight in the Impact Zone (boos), and you wanna' know WHY? Because Vince McMahon IS A PUSSY!!! (crazy cheering) Vince McMahon (climbs turnbuckle and stares right into camera) is a LITTLE BITCH!!! (even louder cheering than before) And Vince McMahon doesn't have the BALLS to show up in TNA to take this belt from me!
So you know what? (Looks at his belt-in-a-bag) I'm gonna' take this belt and do something I shoulda' done a LONG time ago!!!" (throws down mic, storms out of the ring to crazy ass cheering)
Sure it was "cheap" heat in a "trade on Vince's WWE-infamy to get over" sort of way, but no harm no foul since there's absolutely *no* way most of the promo will make the July 13 television broadcast. And an awesome, AWESOME way to start a wrestling show if I do say so myself.
End segment, cue insane crowd heat, lights, cameras and action and we're ready to go for hour two of TNA iMPACT!!!
We start our second our of iMPACT with former WCW Hardcore Champion turned TNA's jobberific Norman Smiley taking on this man…
Needless to say, my shouting of "SPOILER: ABYSS WINS!!!" was well received by the Impact Zone crowd.
Smiley took the beating like a champ, though… and in what was easily the funniest (intentional) spot of the night, good old Screamin' Norman actually stopped Abyss from charging while the Monster was in a dead sprint simply by holding up one finger in an "Unh uhh, no you didn't!" fashion before breaking into a modified Big Wiggle to lighten the mood. Abyss paused and watched for about a half second, and then (no surprise) completely proceeded to dismantle poor Norman with a swank Black Hole Slam a mere five seconds later.
Here's MeeThinks on Abyss…
Say what you will about him being a "Poor Man's Mankind" or a "Copycat Kane," but the simple fact of the matter is that Abyss is easily one of the biggest stars in TNA with good reason. Not only does he appeal to that "Sportz Entertainment"-conditioned WWE fan in so many of us, but he also makes a pretty impressive showing for a man his size as his high octane offense tears up the six-sided TNA ring. And don't let the critics fool you into believing that Abyss is "only big because he's in the ring against a bunch of small guys"… the man is one thick, mean-looking son of a bitch… and his biceps are easily look to be about the width of one of those yellow legal pads when you get up close.
And that's pretty big.
Post match may well have been the single greatest part of the night for Mee and the family, as Abyss was joined in the ring by the Middle Aged Outlaws James Gang. Since ragging on WWE old timers had become our theme du-jour (and since Billy GunnThe Outlaw Kip James INSISTS on tying the bottom of his t-shirt in a "look at my tummy" knot while wearing his painfully receded hairplugs in girly little braids), we simply HAD to bust these guys balls.
With a quick clear of the throat and a bit of crowd-friendly frenzy on my side, I quickly cued up my section of the arena for a rousing chorus of "D-X REJECTS! (clap, clap, clapclapclap). To my utter delight, the thing caught on like wildfire and pretty soon the entire arena was jeering the hell out of the James Gang right alongside of Mee. And we're talking LOUDLY, too… probably the loudest crowd-wide chant of the night (save that one "loudest wins a t-shirt" cheer for Rhino, of course). The hate-on for Kip and B.G. went on for quite some time, too… and while the erstwhile Road Dogg manned the microphone to try to get a straight answer from James Mitchell and Abyss, the artist formerly known as Billy Gunn became real-life irate at the ever-growing "X-Pac Heat" and turned his attention to the cause of it all…
Mee.
The best part about this, of course, was the fact that I was sitting in the side of the audience that directly faces the camera. So while this meant that the camera lens would catch my face and everything in front of it, performers for 99% of the evening made sure to play up their promos and facial expressions in a manner that faced them towards the camera (and thus directly with their backs turned to us in the process). But my "D-X REJECTS!" cheer really must have rattled the usedtabe "Mr. Ass" and "Road Dogg," because they both began glaring at my section with a clear sign of frustration as they attempted to cut their promo in spite of the ever-growing anti-James Gang heat, which by this point had grown to an unavoidable arena-wide frenzy.
B.G. James worked the stick as best as he could in spite of the chants, but Kip was PISSED and he made no qualms about letting Mee know as much. Turning directly to face Mee (and violating the NUMBER ONE rule of stage and television by turning his back directly to the camera in the process), he shouted…
"SHUT YOUR FUCKIN' MOUTH YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!"
To which I of course, responded with the universal crotch-chop sign to, well… to do as Steiner had asked some minutes earlier…
Billy, err, Kip, err… Monty… grew indignant at the gesture as the crowd noise continued to mount against him (thus COMPLETELY ruining their promo), and he responded to my "suck it" gesture by saying something along the lines of…
"I bet you'd LIKE that, wouldn't you? You fucking faggot!"
Unfettered (for after all, it's only BILLY GUNN we're talking about here…), I didn't miss a beat as I went right into full Goldust mode, totally "gaying it up" by impersonating Kip's current ring attire by prancing around in place, rubbing the nipples and and wrapping the bottom of my shirt up through the neck hole of the thing in that retro MTv-Grind-shake-yo'-boody-style. By this point, the entire crowd section behind Mee was all joining in on the fun, with some of those around Mee jeering at Billy Boy with comments of "look how YOU'RE dressed, ya' fairy!" "nice braids, Nancy!" and — my personal favorite — "YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT CHUCK PALUMBO!!!"
In the end, Billy was pissed and just about everybody in the ring (including B.G.) knew that the segment was pretty well shot thanks to Kip's breaking of character and the deafening chorus of "D-X REJECTS" that was still echoing throughout the arena by the segment's end. As Kip moved to join B.G. in the center of the ring for their latest (laughable) "catchphrase," I put the nail in the coffin by shouting out in my loudest voice…
"NOBODY MOVES… NOBODY FREAKIN' CARES!!!"
To the shock of absolutely no one, The James Gang left without so much as a word.
Meehans = 3, Old Timers = 0, and I hope to GOD that this trainwreck of a segment makes it to the Thursday night broadcast.
In the next match, as mentioned earlier — we saw Slick Johnson ham it up as Sen Shi defeated Jerrelle Clark with a beautiful top-rope double-foot-stomp ("The Way"). The fun for our section, however, came in the form of the Meehan clan and three distinct folks in the crowd. As you might have seen in the teaser graphic at the outset of this column, they were…
The Hottie Crowd Plant — a local Latina dancer/model/stripper/Hooters girl/etc. (tramp-stamp bullseye tribal tattoo and all) that was brought into the arena to keep the crowd excited throughout the taping. She sat in the V.I.P. reserved section just in front of the second-level guardrail, and she kept cheering (often awkwardly) throughout *every* match for *every* face performer on the roster. Easy on the eyes, for sure… but *awkward* on the chants. Some of her gems included "HailSabin, HailSabin, HailSabin!" and "Fat guy in a little coe-oat" (at Scott D'Amore). Gotta' give her points for trying, but there's no denying that her plant-ness (and, perhaps her "im-plant-ness") were as transparent as they were obvious. She was totally digging us for our enthusiasm, at one point even shooting Mee a wink while I was ragging on Kip James and saying (totally not making this up) "You're dirty and I *LIKE* it!" That right there was a dead giveaway that she was, in fact, getting paid to flirt with the crowd... as there's very little evidence to suggest that a women of her buxom-level of hottness would willingly talk to a guy like Mee were she *not* being paid to do so.
Three-Tooth Charlie — Ok, so I don't *really* know that the guy's name was "Charlie," but he appears to be a TNA regular and an Orlando native with a soft spot in his heart for the Impact Zone, as I've seen him on TNA television a few times before. Anyhow, after the Meehan clan had booed the James Gang out of the arena, old three-tooth turned to us and shouted "You have yellow shirts!" (true, we did…). Then, inexplicably, my brother Jeremy quickly responded with a shout of "Yeah? And YOU HAVE THREE TEETH!"
Stunned silence.
Eventually, the guy laughed it off and played a good sport with the whole thing, but not before leaving Mee with a valuable TNA lesson number 92874: redneck jokes don't fare well in Orlando.
My personal favorite fellow crowds-man, however, definitely had to be…
The Volcom Emo Kid — See chubby up there in the front row on your television set? He was jealous that the Hottie Crowd Plant was showing the Meehan men some love, and so he attempted to woo her away with the admonition that she "shouldn't bother talking to Devils fans" (by this point, my brother Jeremy had donned his trusty New Jersey Devils hat). To silence his food-filled mouth, Jeremy quickly shot back "you're wearing a VOLCOM hat, chief!" to which I, of course, added "Yeah, what are you… like, twelve!?"
Fatty, err... "Emo," was quick to defend his beloved "Youth Against Establishment" clothing line, and so he shouted back "Do you even KNOW what it is?!" (No, dumbass… we obviously just recognized a logo, blindly associated it to an arbitrary company name, and still had *NO* idea what products the company made. Moron). Opting to showcase Captain Emotron's blatant uselessness, I shouted "OOOh! You're anti-authority! So Edgy! Get a load of THIS guy! So cool! I bet you're in a BACKYARD FED, eh champ?!" (that one caught the eye of his Emo sidekick who, inexplicably, was wearing what appeared to be white pleather JNCo cargo pants…)
To cap things off, I avoided any further attempts at high-minded intellectual sparring and opted to go all Hulkamania on his ass. Finger pointing, flexing, and even teasing a shirt tear in comic fashion. Emo up in front there actually thought I was being serious and that I couldn't tear the shirt. Then he went down town in a looleelurah and yanked it to some shirtless photos of Fall Out Boy.
Dumbass.
Back to the show!
The next match was one plenty of Impact Zone fans were waiting for, as we FINALLY got to see some homegrown TNA talent in a non-squash match worth watching! Who was involved, you ask? Well here's a clue…
AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels versus @lx Shelley & Johnny Devine, baby!
I'll start here by saying that the Impact Zone LOVES them their AJ Styles and their Christopher Daniels, though I totally stand by my dad's statement that the "Fall-uhhn Ain-juhhl" (clap, clap, clapclapclap) cheer has to be among the most mind-numbingly BORING in all of professional wrestling (Dad also pointed out, quite rightly, that the "Fallen Angel" chants never make it more than six or seven times in a row before even the Impact Zone fans realize how dumb it sounds and get tired of the thing). Oh yeah, and (though I've gotten heat for saying this before, I'll stand by my statement that) Daniels TOTALLY needs new ring attire… by the way, as those high-hiked spandex shorts are NOT helping him.
AJ is a true home-grown star, perhaps the biggest in the company's history. Why TNA hasn't permanently stapled him to their main-event picture is simply beyond Mee at this point. Sure, there's the "RVD/ Original ECW Complex" that says not to put your biggest title on your biggest star (as he's over enough and a big draw *without* the belt)… but there's also something to be said for recognizing talent for what it is and doing right by them. AJ Styles is the Chris Benoit of TNA wrestling, and while both men have had a fleeting title run or two to their credit during their tenures with their current employers… there is simply *no* justification for rewarding their skill, loyalty and workrate with a "hey thanks, here's an upper mid-card fued" bone of a reward.
Memo to TNA management: PUSH AJ STYLES!!!
Shelley, incidentally, is GOLD. Killer moveset, unique look, and a natural charisma with a willingness to play to the crowd along the way. My brother "Rock Star Josh" (I've taken to calling him that ever since he scored a record deal and a recording session at the legendary Stone Pony — birthplace of the one and only Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band — in Asbury Park, New Jersey) had a field day ragging on Shelley for looking like a *total* flame-thrower with his highlighted hair and his one stripe of eye-black, but unlike my little repartee with Steiner and Billy Gunn… Shelley's exchange with Josh was actually quite respectful in an "I hate you because you're a heel" sort of way, rather than a "no, seriously… go crawl under a rock and die" kind of vein.
Mark my words, readers… Shelley is gonna' be HUGE one day.
In the end, the fans got their money's worth (waittaseccond, the taping was FREE!) when Styles pinned Devine after hitting the Styles Clash. Post-match saw a run-in beatdown by America's Most Wanted, but that monster of a valet also came down to lend a hand.
Ooh, which reminds Mee…
Memo to TNA management: Putting a guy of Christopher Daniels' height alongside a giant like Jamie D is not helping to make the guy look any more imposing. Handcuffing him and laying him out like a prison bitch likewise does little to help the man's credibility.
And, of course, those shorts… (shudders).
Anyhow…
This all leads to our FEATURED CONTEST of the evening (notice how TNA doesn't call them "main events" over the live announce microphone? Perhaps that's because they're afraid that calling the first hour's "featured contest" a "Main Event" might accidentally cause folks to leave after the thing is over, ya know?)…
Team 3D, Rhino and Jay Lethal versus Team Canada in an "All or Nothing Eight Man Tag" Match. Again, if Team Canada won, they could stick together. If they lost, they had to disband. And whoever scores the pinfall for the match earns a title shot "sometime in the future."
Looking at each of the participants involved, I figured the odds of who'd be scoring the pinfall went down something like this…
Jay Lethal — 4:1 odds. He's a singles performer and he's been on a tear as of late, but he might be a bit too small to stand toe-to-toe with the current crop of TNA mainstays.
Team 3D —10:1 odds. Strictly tag team wrestlers and *way* too involved in a slew of angles to busy themselves with a pursuit for singles gold. Beating Team Canada is a great way to tie up at least one of those loose ends, though.
Rhino — 2:1 odds. With the show having started with an arena-wide chorus of "Rhino! Rhino! Rhino!", I thought for SURE that the manbeast would be walking out of the night with his hand held high as the company's latest "it" guy to push to the moon.
Team Canada — 3:1 odds (provided Eric Young was the one to get the pinfall). Since D'Amore is one the booking committee, I was second-guessing his decision to break up his stable. With Eric Young being white hot with the TNA fans right now, I figured it'd be a sweet twist of fate to see Team Canada get a second lease on life thanks to the dumb luck of their smallest member. Could make for some fun backstage vignettes in the weeks to follow, at least…
In the end, however — Team Canada came up short and JAY LETHAL, the pride of Elizabeth, New Jersey (Whoo!) walked away with the pinfall and a guaranteed title shot for down the road. All things considered, a bold and ballsy decision by TNA management to give the deuce and its resultant push to such a yet-untested (well, in TNA anyway) newcomer — but a move that left the fans thoroughly happy with the result nonetheless.
Faces beat the heels to close out the night? Check.
No more Team Canada? Check.
New blood in the main event? CHECK!
Bravo to Jay Lethal, and kudos to TNA Management for pulling the trigger on what could well have the makings to be one hell of a fan-driven push to the gold, the likes of which the company hasn't seen since Ron Killings first spit "The Truth" way back in 2002.
Color Mee curiously optimistic!
As we closed out the "featured contest" of the night, Brother Ray fired up the crowd in a classic round of "The Goodbye Song" (Nananana, nananana, hey hey hey, goodbye!). Though I'm personally more a fan of the Dudleyz when they're playing the heel role, you've got to give Ray and Devon credit for still knowing how to work a crowd right into the palm of their hands no matter *what* allegiance their fighting under, because as you can see in the photo below… they most definitely "sent the fans home happy" with their post-match shenanigans.
Still got it.
To summarize…
I think my brother Jeremy put it best when he said "tell all of your readers to hop on a plane and get their asses to Orlando," as a live TNA taping is among some of the most fun you will ever experience as a fan of professional wrestling. Though the arena is small, it allows for (and encourages) tremendous fan interaction with the product, and as I hope y'all have seen through some of the stories I've shared above, it really enables those fans in attendance to feel as if they've helped to shape the events that unfold in the six-sided ring before them.
Lights? Not nearly as many as WWE, and nowhere *near* the caliber of pyrotechnics or laser stunts you'd see at even your average HeAt taping. But there's definitely a healthy splash of sights and sounds to liven up what is, at heart, quite a solid *wrestling*-based product overall. Much like the original ECW that didn't have crazy lights and pyro, there's a LOT of mileage to be had from a company that's willing to accentuate the positives at the cost of ignoring the glitz and glamour of a bigger budget.
Cameras? Just three (maybe four) that I could see. One steady cam (the one that I sat in front of), one crane camera, and one floor camera man (who caught the rest of the ringside action) — but just enough to catch "every single person in the arena" and make them feel as if they were playing an integral role in the program. The t-shirt giveaways (and So Cal Val) helped, but the intimate atmosphere was pretty electric regardless of who walked out with a double XL 50% cotton souvenir.
Action? No doubt. The kind of moves guys like Sonjay Dutt, Alex Shelley, AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Abyss, Jay Lethal and Petey Williams were busting out for "just another week's worth of television" were enough to put the WWE-washouts like the James Gang, Steiner and the Dudleyz and pretty much every other undercard match of a modern-day WWE pay-per-view to shame.
In the end…
MeeThinks it was one hell of an adventure, and definitely one that every serious wrestling fan should consider being a part of at one point or another should they have the time and the money to make the trip.
Because after all, you can't spell "adventure" without…
