Truth B Told 7.13.06: Cut The Chord
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 07.13.2006
Is it time to ween ECW off of WWE’s proverbial teat? Or is this just a good opportunity to use the word “teat” in a wrestling column? As if there was a bad time.
There is a growing contingent of wrestling fans who believe that the WWE should allow ECW to be its own free and autonomous entity. The thinking is that with Paul Heyman behind the helm and Vince's finger off the button things will take off and ECW will thrive in becoming a true rival to RAW's rating superiority. With ECW free to work the true ECW style matches and push whom they see fit and draft from a vast talent pool in OVW and perhaps even RoH or CZW (as I so brilliantly suggested in a past column) the 13 week trial period would blossom into a full time contract with Sci-Fi. The question is: is that more ‘Fi' than truth? What would Heyman really do with the button now that Vince's finger is no longer on it? I think first he'd have to wash it to get the scent of Candace Michelle's bung hole off of it, but afterwards what would he do? This week we examine what might happen if ECW went solo.
Historically when someone "leaves the nest" they are met with either some measure of success or some measure of crushing failure. Hence why JT has never written his own column. Look at The Rock, after he left The Nation he became a mega star. But then again what happened to Evan Karagias once he left 3-Count? Or what about when Frasier left the cozy confines of "Cheers"? Then again I seem to remember Billy Gunn tryin' to make it big without DX. I guess there are good and bad examples in every solo project. Going solo can be a very frustrating thing…but enough about Meehan's sex life. I'm here to present an argument that ECW being totally autonomous from WWE will never happen, and if it did, it still wouldn't be enough to save ECW.
Lets start off the Asian way…with MATH!! Yeah, that's right, "TBT: Validating racial stereotypes since 2005". Anyone ever heard of the "Law of Diminishing Returns"? Okay, well this is more economics than math, but same basic principles here. Basically the more wrestling you have and the more wrestlers you have on WWE programming the lesser the quality of the wrestling will be. The "Fixed and Variable Inputs" in this case are the WWE style of wrestling/sports entertainment. The more of the same product you show, the less effective it will be and the chances are that you are actually employing more wrestlers than can actually put on a decent wrestling show. Case in point, ECW's roster:
Sabu, Sandman, RVD, Big Show, Kurt Angle, Tommy Dreamer, Balls Mahoney, CW Anderson, Lil' Guido, Big Guido, Tony Mamaluke, Stevie Richards, Justin Credible, Shannon Moore, Danny Doring, Roadkill, Al Snow, Test, CM Punk, Mike Knox, Kevin Fertig, Gangrel, The Zombie, Macho Libre, Fat Stripper, Father DeVito
Now what about this roster screams to you sustainable talent? You have basically 4 main event guys: RVD, Sabu, Big Show, and Kurt Angle. Only problem is that RVD is suspended for 30 days, Kurt Angle is either taking time off or suspended, depending on who you ask, and Sabu is still being featured on TV, but I highly doubt that Vince will run the risk of blowing the whole show by relying on him to carry the belt or send the message that breaking the "wellness program" rules will be rewarded with a big push. Right now he's an "attraction" but will not be the "main event". So that basically leads The Big Show to carry the company. That's a rather scary thought isn't it? it's like relying on Scott Peterson to fill in for you at your wife's lamaze class. Or it's like drinking too much while you're a wingman and you're tryin' to dull the pain from having to let a 250 lbs Mexican chick tell you why she likes corn tortillas more than flour ones. Oh sure it seemed like a good way to pass the time until the pain was finally over, but when you wake up under a pile of flesh and smelling like carnitas you know you probably should have just quit while you were already behind.
Right now there is no one to really challenge Big Show for the belt and not enough true main event ready players to be able to sell a program. This is evident by the "E" making the most random match ever by pitting Ric Flair against Big Show in an Extreme rules match. That was a bigger cry for help than the time Jeff Hardy was caught doing a line of Fun Dip off the ass of a 16 year old girl in the bathroom of the Impact! Zone. Bringing the occasional RAW mid-carder or even main eventer over to ECW may seem like it's helping ECW, but rather its just making ECW feel like a RAW's bastard step child begging for child support. Right now Tommy Dream, Test, and Mike Knox are the only ones getting any real air time. Do any of those guys seem like viable options to you as main eventers? For those of you who are screaming about CM Punk, we'll get to you in a minute. Right now ECW has a serious lack of talent, it seems like the plan is to add The Vampire, Shannon Moore, and CM Punk to the active roster soon, but that's just not enough. RAW or Smackdown probably needs to send at least one more viable commodity each to ECW or Vince needs to bring in a big hitter in order to make ECW even a viable product at this point.
There has been talk that ECW will be getting at least 2 PPV's in the coming year, possibly 3. right now I don't see how that is possible with the current roster. PPV's have to have at least a good handful of different storylines scattered in there to spike interest in plunking down your $35…I mean $40 to see the show. Right now it seems like an hour of TV isn't hardly enough time to do that, especially when you take up half the show with third rate strip teases, Sandman caning random characters, and one off main event matches to lead to no where. So far none of the main events have lead to any kind of feud that has been addressed on subsequent shows. TNA looks pretty damn good now for being able to set up like 4 different angles in the course of one show now don't they? Without a lot of help on WWE's part by showing clips of ECW and advertising on Smackdown and RAW for ECW they might not even be pulling in the slowly declining ratings they are now. How do you build a PPV when you're clearly the company's Double A farm team.
One thing about PPV's is that mostly they feature at least 2 or 3 title matches. Right now ECW has one title. They used to have the TV Title and Tag Team titles. Now in a perfect world, that seems like the perfect amount of titles for a company that small. Problem is, there aren't any tag teams currently in ECW. Sure you have the FBI, but then who? Just a bunch of make shift teams really. As far as the TV title goes who would you give it to? Test? Mike Knox? CM Punk? CW Anderson? The Zombie?? You either have a bunch of OG ECW workers that really may not be up to performing at the level they need to while holding a title, or a bunch of WWE plants who have no real ECW street cred. One would think that a secondary title right now would probably provide more intrigue than the ECW Heavyweight Title since it would have more believable competition behind it. While that is true, the heavyweight title is in much more dire need of attention at the moment. Random thought, but since The Zombie is technically dead… would it be appropriate to say that he's ‘a stiff' worker in the ring? Just thought about that, yeah, it ain't got shit to do with this topic, but so what?
Now we get to C…M…Punk. The savior of ECW in the minds of many internet smarks and Indy wrestling aficionados. The funny thing is that as soon as CM Punk was confirmed as being able to keep his Straight Edge gimmick people thought that it was going to be the same Punk that went 60 minutes with Samoa Joe in RoH, the same Punk that took the Indy circuit by storm and cultivated a near cult like following in the process. Hell, you remember how excited people were when Paul London and Spanky came on board, or what about Jamie Noble and Kid Kash? Their styles will change, limitations will be set, and any hope of seeing the same CM Punk you are used to is gone. Clearly his in-ring style will change, his promos will be more scripted, and the talent he has to work with will not be of the same caliber. I think right now Punk has a chance to be the main figure in the mid-card along with Test and…um….the fat stripper guy? Eventually Punk should be the first TV Title holder, but that's of course assuming that Sci-Fi renews the contract in another 2 and a half months right? We shall see. Cuz' right now, I don't see a single feud that CM Punk could enter into that would light the world on fire. Sure a feud with the chronically drunk Sandman or the chronically Chronic-ed RVD would make sense, but he has to wait another month for RVD and I can't imagine that the Sandman could go more than 5 mins in a ring without hacking up a lung, and that includes 3 mins of cane shots and lying on the mat. Sorry people but until CM Punk gets some decent competition, I'm not sure that he will be any better off than any of the other RoH alums. Meaning you gotta give him another few months before he's in a tag team. Can't trust those damn RoH kids as singles wrestlers. Dagnabbit!!
Sci-Fi doesn't equal wrestling fans. You can't advertise during "Dr. Who" or "Stargate SG" or…I dunno, some kinda show where humans fight aliens or androids or… um… chickens for control over the planet. Maybe mutant wallabies or something. You have to advertise on Wrestling Shows!! If WWE tried to pretend ECW was separate they'd be losing out on a lot of the momentum and synergy they get from utilizing RAW and Smackdown for their weekly rewinds, or extreme winds, whatever it is. the same criticisms of ECW are really what's keeping it alive. The WWE has to keep a short leash on ECW right now, at least until the cavalry arrives. The sad thing is that if the "e" and Vince didn't royally cock up ECW for the first few episodes, then they might have been able to let it leave the nest after all.
The Truth
There are four groups of people who are watching ECW now. One group is the ECW die hard fans that are hoping and wishing that ECW will be a shred of what it once was. Too bad that group has now dwindled to about 17 people. The second group are RAW fans who keep hearing so much about ECW, but never got to see it before, they are tuning in because their favorite wrestlers are making sporadic appearances or because they are huge Kurt Angle fans. What about the Big Show fans you ask? What about them, I'm sure they both split a pizza and watched a show this week. The 3rd group are wrestling fans, fans who will watch any thing wrestling related, especially if it's free. Mainly this is the group that would rather watch free bad wrestling than free good…well anything else. The last group are the handful of Sci-Fi nerds who just happen to be killing time till "Andromeda" is on. I think this is probably the 2nd smallest group and makes up maybe .2 of those rating points.
Right now ECW only really panders to the 2nd and 3rd group. They realize that die hard ECW fans have long put a foot through their TV and are probably boycotting their product. They also realize that Sci-Fi geeks get enough flack for dressing up like Commander Worf at homecoming to not need another swirly for wearing a "This is a TEST" shirt to school on Tuesdays. If you were to severe ties to the WWE at least in a kayfabe sense, you'd lose a key demographic as it pertains to that 2nd group. Sure the 3rd group is also dwindling but I highly doubt anyone that is condemning ECW for being the Kevin Federline to Vince's Brittney is going to immediately start watching if all RAW and Smackdown Superstars stop showing up on ECW and visa versa. I think the dye has already been cast and I think for better or worse ECW is just going to have to like having Vince's hand up their ass for the rest of their time on TV. Hey, if Candice Michelle can get used to it…..right?
Coming Up Short
Let me explain how you use "Legends" and Old-timers. Go watch Impact from last week and watch the segment with Kevin Nash revealing his plan with the body bag to Alex Shelley and Johnny Devine. That was pure comedy gold. Nash has made Shelley a star in TNA faster than I thought it would have happened, now let's see if he can do the same for Devine. Also look at how Steiner has been able to put over Samoa Joe. Joe made his foray into the Heavyweight division and so far he's looked good, the interaction and promos between the two have bee intense and on point thus far. You gotta give props to the ‘Pops' for actually helping to put Samoa Joe over even more. Now flip the channel to WWE. Is that Hacksaw Jim Duggans?? Giving the rub to…Eugene? Well not so much rub as much as creating the most mentally deficient team since The Bushwhackers or … Spirit Squad. But wait a second, didn't we see Kamala a short time ago? Yes, he was jobbing to Umaga for no f*ckin' reason. My gosh a win over Kamala in 2006 is something to really hang your hat on. Oh wait a second, don't forget about ECW.
Right now ECW has jobbed out their original ECW roster so badly that absolutely no one could seem credible to face Big Show for a title shot. Hence why Ric Flair was brought in. First Tommy Dreamer is Big Show's bitch for 3 straight weeks, now it takes Test a roll-up with his feet on the ropes to win?? How the hell does that make sense. If you're going to job a guy, then just do it, don't expect to keep him credible with one fluke loss. Speaking of credible, Justin sure isn't, even though he now owns a win over Sabu…by DQ no less. Justin Credible was squashed by Angle and how we're supposed to take him seriously? In fact, is anyone other than Sabu and Sandman even viable? ECW needs to figure out who they want to keep …for lake of a better word, credible, and who is mainly just there for nostalgia and fodder for their hand picked WWE plants. Cuz' right now in terms of keeping making the veterans useful, ECW is coming up EXTREMEly short.
6 Degrees of…
Vaugh Danger Swift brings us a most interesting degree this week. He also proved that the more porn you stuff into ‘6 degrees' the more likely you are to win. Yes, "TBT: Rewarding Porn Addicts since 2005":
For my degree next week, as winner (woo hoo), I was gonna think long and hard about it, but then I decided just to go with my latest body adornment. I got a tattoo of Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy on my knee, and I'm intrigued to see how we can link him to wrestling. I'm quite concerned it would be a little easy just to go for the Ron Burgundy has a tasche, Lemmy has a tasche, lemmy wrote HHH's theme music kinda thing, so slap a ban on that, cos it just makes it too easy.
Well there you have it, mustaches are banned as a formal degree this week. Last week I thought I was getting the flu cuz' I had a fever…but then I realized that I was out of Robatussin so I took the only thing that could cure that fever….more cowbell. I thought of a real easy one this week to link Mr. Ferrell to wrestling so I decided to take it off the table by making it the link you have to get to. Willy Fe is going to play Ricky Bobby in "Talladega Nights" this summer. Ricky Bobby is a race car driver…which got me thinking of another famous "race car driver" someone by the name of…..
SPARKY PLUGG!! This week my faithful hive you get to link Will Ferrell to Sparky Plugg aka Bobcore Holly. I want you to go out there and do me proud. Or at the very least throw in some references to Hardcore Holly's other career which is actually the origin of the name "Hardcore". What? You never saw him star with Asia Carrere' in "Alabama Slam-her"??
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Light on the feedback this week. Good. That means less chance someone tells me my column sucks and I should vacate 411 and to never return again. You know, like I get in the staff forum all the time.
Joe Buczyna
Come on, man, you are being too harsh on these two.
Should they have been smarter and not been speeding if they got shit on them, yes!
However, WWE's booking is so terrible that Show or Angle were going to get the belt anyways. Vince doesn't care about ECW and you know this, mang!!!!!
I think Vince cares about two things: 1) Money, 2) Making his former competition look like shit. Guess what? He wins every time. I think the better thing to do in this situation would have been to use this whole drug bust as an angle. They did with Edge/Hardy, they did with Foley/Flair, why not this? Picture it: Super Big Gulp, Funions, and Chili Cheese Nachos on a pole match for the ECW championship between RVD and Big Show. I'm tellin' ya, it could be gold….GOLD!!
I got the most cryptic message from Rusty F'n Nailz this week, maybe one of you can decipher this?
bush knocked down the towers?
I could be wrong but I think he's making a political statement here about how there must have been some huge conspiracy between George W. and the Al Qaeda. Perhaps the Bush regime somehow supplied arms to the Al Qaeda inadvertently? Or is he talking about Reggie Bush somehow breaking out this season and perhaps I should move him up my Fantasy Football Cheat sheet? Or maybe he was talkin' about a different kinda "bush"? I bet you thought I was gonna show some kinda picture of an unshaved Japanese girl's vagina…well…you were RIGHT...
Kinda.
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
All I gotta say is, you people make TBT sad. I ain't got no emoticons for that, but I think it speaks for itself. Two entries this week.
#3
ME
I figured what the hell, I'll go ahead and post my own since I only got two entries so here I go:
1. Doug E. Doug was once on "Touched By an Angel", Maria dressed up as an angel for the RAW Diva Halloween costume contest.
2. CM Punk was touched by that same Angel (Maria) and continues to be on a regular basis. Lucky mutha. I guess straight edge means he's better than you and gets better tail too.
3. CM Punk was once …no twice RoH Tag Champs with Colt Cabana.
4. Colt Cabana once tango-ed with a friend of mine at a PWG show during his entrance. It is noted that the man has at least 25% more soul than your average white boy when it comes to the tango. That's just a fact.
5. My friend, has a rather unhealthy obsession with Jay Briscoe. But not Mark…just Jay. Go figure. I guess when people ask you, "so who do you think is the better looking Briscoe brother from a female perspective?" you can say, "dude…that's just gay, what the hell is wrong with you??"
6. Jay and Mark Briscoe beat The Outcast Killaz as part of the Embassy at "Generation Next" in 2004. The Embassy was run by…Prince Nana.
Damn, I rule.
#2.
When trying to get laid, my opening approach is usually along the lines of "Hi, don't you think I look like the drummer from the All American Rejects? By the way, Danger is my middle name. Fancy A Fuck?"
When I changed it, I really didn't think the name through properly. My new bank cards came through, and I now have a Credit Card with "Mr V D Swift" across it. Whoops, better luck next time.
I'm gonna go for a flimsy link theme this week.
Prince Nana is a Black man, as is Carl Weathers.
Carl Weathers has played many great roles in films such as Star Wars, Rocky and Predator. Patrick Swayze has had many film roles, including Road House, Dirty Dancing and Point Break.
Patrick Swayze sported a mullet for a large portion of his career, as did Johnny Depp throughout the TV series "21 Jump Street".
Johnny Depp provided a voice for Yogi Victor, in an episode of King of The Hill. Another actor who has provided a voice for King of The Hill is Erik Estrada, lending his voice to the Mexican Judge.
Erik Estrada is of Puerto Rican Origin, as is Raul Julia, star of The Addams Family
Raul Julia starred in The Addams Family Values in 1993, the same year as Doug E. Doug played Sanka Coffie, brakeman for the Jamaican Bobsled team in Cool Runnings.
Regards,
Vaughn Danger Swift
You know what I think the most Fancy Fuck is? That thing I saw once…where the girl is like doing a hand stand and the guy has her around the waist and then he spins her around till she's perpendicular to the trampoline…oh yeah, did I mention the trampoline?? Yeah, that was one fancy fuck. Oh, and you do look like the drummer. Man, VD Swift? That's rough, although I'm surprised you haven't already gotten sued by the WWE, that is Lita's nickname back stage after all. This is really the only week when someone can get away with "this dude is Black, as is this other guy", but hey, 2 entries… beggars can't be choosers you know?
#1.
Mark Satrang seems to be everywhere lately. I swear I can't read a column at 411 without seeing him in the "Feedback" section. Well if he ever starts sending Byers submissions for his ‘6 degrees of Cheap Wrestling', we're through.
B-
We rocked Sioux City on Monday night as the Spirit Squad. Nothing like having 8000 people boo you to get the mood feeling right.
This had to be the hardest 6 degrees yet. I spent way more time on this one than any normal functioning person should have.
Anyways, I brought you two distinctly different runs this week...
Doug E. Doug was in Operation Dumpo Drop with Denis Leary...Leary and Sean William Scott were both voices in Ice Age 2...Scott co-starred in The Rundown with The Rock...Rock's first match ever for WWF was with Brooklyn Brawler...Brawler inducted Johnny Rodz into the Hall of Fame in 1996...Rodz trained Nana...
Doug E. Doug was in Operation Dumpo Drop with Denis Leary...Leary and Jay Leno both provided voices in Ice Age 1 & 2...Leno was in the main event of Road Wild '98 with DDP, Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff...Bischoff and Jason Hervey were at Caesers Palace in Las Vegas this year when I was there for spring break, had a nice chat with them...I looked ridiculous dressed as a male cheerleader on RAW last week, much like Vito looks ridiculous wearing a dress on SmackDown...Vito wrestled Prince Nana in Nana's first match...
Man, winning by default. I hope you're happy with this win, though tainted as it may be. Winning ‘6 degrees' because basically no one else entered is a lot like gettin' pity sex from a female friend because you were crying over being dumped by your ex-girlfriend…. Fantastic!! Alright Marky Mark, well chalk another one up to persistence as you yet again get to choose a degree for next week. Unless it's Kelly Kelly…that shit's just ridiculous ridiculous.
Left Overs…
Evil Ken Doane will get no where treating fans like crap and getting a big ego. Guys like that can never hope to succeed in wrestling. Oh sure, they may get to main event PPV's and sure they may get to hold the Tag Team Titles, and sure they may get to play hide the Bologna with Mickie James' finger lickin' good badunkadunk…adunkadunk. But is he really happy? I mean, really TRULY happy? Man, I hate that guy.
I went to the AWS show in the City of Industry last weekend. To be honest, it was mediocre at best. I don't know if it was the heat, the crowd, just an off day, but I was somewhat underwhelmed by the matches. Who'd have thunk it too? I mean, Indy wrestling events taking place in a swap meet next to the Yu-Gi-Oh battling section? I wanted to pull out my "Time Wizard" just to get the fuck outta there. If you got that joke… you should probably just turn off the computer and cry yourself to sleep. Geek.
I just saw WWA on tv and Villano 3 and 5 were takin' on Psicosis and Rey Misterio Jr. sans the mask. That must have taken place sometime in 2001. it was unbelievable to watch and have Psicosis and Misterio come out on top. I mean…3…plus 5…that's 8 mutha fuckin' Villanos up in that mug. Clearly they should have gone with 4 and 6. Prime number Villanos suck.
Justin White beats Alex Koslov at the NWA/Inoki Dojo in Santa Monica for the NWA British Commonwealth Championship last week. This means nothing to like 90% of my readership, but what is noteworthy is that Alex Koslov is about 5'7" or 5'8" and like 210 lbs. pretty solid lookin' guy but short. Justin White is about 5'4" and 150 lbs. Justin White is basically Molly Holly without the big ass. What's even funnier is that he's working as a heel. How the hell can a midget be a heel? I mean without a dope ass mega goatee that is. Sorry Spike.
WSX in the Hizzle. So far it looks liked WSX has an interesting line-up including: Sean Waltman, Vampiro, Teddy Hart, Lone Star, and Kaos. I mean prison line-up.
On the heels of Sforcina getting his first match in AWF Ari decided he wanted to get in on the action and take a stab at becoming a real life Indy wrestler. Well Ari, I think I found Just the Place.
Hat on Heyman = Face, Skullet Heyman = Heel. So apparently bald men are not to be trusted, yet those balding men trying to hide their shame are a-OK. Damn it Meehan, what the hell do you have to hide??
Divas Debuted on Monday. And the crowd goes mild!! Well what ever you do, please don't call them "a bunch of useless pussy", pussy always has a use…like a head warmer…or a beer cozy. Man, I hope my GF ain't readin' this. *Note to self, pick up flowers on way home from work today*
My favorite Spam of the month e-mail title: "C D N R Q Cumswallowing German Bukkake Spermcovered Bitches". How could I not click on it??
Sandman beat the piss out of a ‘preacher' last week and people were a little offended. Why? Vince jobbed out God, why can't Sandman beat a little ‘holy man' ass? Shit. I betcha Buddha wouldn't have stood for this shit.
In response to ECW now having the most drug induced roster in the WWE kingdom, it looks like TNA is looking to bring back Jeff Hardy. He may be forming a tag team with Lex Luger, they will be accompanied to the ring by a valet called Betty Ford.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Now THIS is why Ikea doesn't use models in their catalogs, I mean, I have NO clue whether the Poomflii is going to go with my Sturvertclee or Yaschmoygenboygen
PWG is this weekend. Actually Sunday. Which makes sense since it's the Jewish Community Center. I hear it's a sin to participate in Hip Tosses on the Sabbath. Or something. Well The Briscoe Bros, Kings of Wrestling, Colt Cabana, Davey Richards, Chris Sabin, B-Boy and the rest of the PWG regulars will be on hand. Should be a swell show. So check out www.prowrestlingguerrilla.com for details. The only problem is that this is the last show at the Los Feliz JCC as it will now be an extra 10 mins out of my way from here on out at the American Legion post #308. Which is okay I guess…cuz' u know how I feel about those damn prime numbers.
Kenta Kobashi is the only man who can no-sell cancer. Good God Damn that is "fighting spirit". Let's see Edge try to no sell Herpes….
SoCal Val in Playboy?? Surprisingly they didn't ask to include Traci Brooks instead. She is the bigger name with the bigger…assets. Then again Playboy is used to airbrushing out freckles or pimples…not a hidden man log. Sorry Cook.
Austin Starr? If TNA is patient I'm sure they can get a hold of Lance Cade after he's canned and then…. What? Tag team joke too obvious?
Mike "The Miz" Mizanin is a retarded. There is no joke here. I'm just sayin'. How hard is it to remember 4 lines? Well at least he wasn't out of place lined up besides all that useless pussy. Wait… can The Miz hold my beer?
Batista is back and ready to unleash his half-breed rage upon all of Smackdown. First up is Mizzark Henry, next will probably be Booker T….then Jesse Jackson, cuz' you know he's gotta show up before he gets to Lashley.
Does anyone else think that they should use the "Kelly Song" that Woody wrote in that episode of ‘Cheers' for Kelly Kelly's theme song? Damn, looks like I just "dated myself" didn't I. Now I know what it's like to be Steve Cook on a Friday night I guess.
Click here I just ran out of conventient reasons to link pictures of hot Asian bitches. What? Are you complaining? Fine then, if you find yourself offended then here you go
Maria is finally back and has an exclusive interview with that silver tongued devil, Uuuuuummaaaagaaaaa!!
Maria: I am here to day with RAW Superstar Umala!!
Umaga: Ungatu, hoolao!!
AAE: Esperate, Esperate, Esperate...everybody listen, haha, to me! My name is …
Maria: Ooh, ooh I know what your name is, it's Arm and Hammer Lando Calrissian.
AAE: *slaps her with his hat* NO!! It's Armandooooo…Alejandrooooo…. Esssssssstrada. And THIS is my Samoan Bulldozer…
Maria: UMALA!!
AAE: No!! It is Umaaagaaaa!!
Maria: That's what I said, Umama
AAE: No, Ummaaaagaaa!!
Maria: Youlama
AAE: Umaga!!
Maria: Madonna!
AAE: UMAGA!!
Maria: Ugina?
AAE: *Smacks Maria with hat* UMAGA!!!
Maria: That's what I said. Well Orlando, what is this big news you have for us today?
AAE: *smacks Maria with hat* Well Maria, today…I have Big…BIG news..haha…that will shake the Dub-el You Dub-el You EEE to it's very….foundation…Haha. Maria, this news will knock your panties off.
Maria: Hehe…I'm not even wearing panties Armani.
AAE: Is that why I smell the….PESCADO, Maria?
Maria: Pesky what? I don't speak Samoan.
AAE: *smacks Maria with hat* Well trust me Maria, I'd be more than happy to help you with the…haha….native tongue.
Umaga: Leeky Leeky *sticks tongue out*
Maria: Uh…I think maybe he's thirsty.
AAE: Oh Jes…Jes Maria, I think Ummmaagaaa, is certainly craving for ..haha…something. How would feel about a …como se dice….Tea Bag?
Maria: Well I certainly like Tea.
AAE: And I certainly like A…haha… *high fives Umaga*
Umaga: *Smiles and nods…then quickly composes himself*…ooh kaka…tea bag.
Maria: Well Geraldo we're just about out of time…
AAE: JES Maria, it is certainly about..haha…time… oh…*drops hat*…would you mind bending over and picking up my hat for me?
Maria: Oh, okay…*bends down*
AAE: Ummaaagaaaa *takes out cigar*…Faaaah Samoaaaaa!! *Breaks Cigar in half*
Umaga: *Takes thumb….stares at it, holds it high in the air and…*
Maria: **YELP**
AAE: Haha….
Umaga: *pulls back thumb….smells it*…*looks around…goes to lick it*
AAE: Umaga!!...lemme get a hit of summa dat kid.
Pimpin' In High Places
411 writers are now 75% fat free, too bad that's only from the neck down…Hey YO!!:
JP tries to defend the blatantly guilty Jeff Jarrett, but don't take my word for it…no…do take my word for it.
Meehan talks about his trip to the Impact Zone and his constant harassment of the TNA wrestlers. Ahhh, so I guess his positivity gimmick only counts on the internet, because clearly any man with facial hair like that is a big time heel. Or gay. Pick one…or both.
Jules talks about the Bloodiest Matches, but he forgot that one where Francine and Beulah wrestled a hardcore match while they were both on the rag and outta pads. Ick… let's just say it's a good thing Gangrel wasn't around for that one.
O'Dog tries to job our memories with some forgotten goodness. I love how the Orient Express was made up of one Asian dude and a white guy in a mask. Cuz' clearly finding another Asian dude is just impossible. One of these days I'd love to see the Anglo Express made up for two Japanese wrestlers in masks. Just for the hell of it.
Clark says Rey Rey graduates Soon To Job loudly. You know, Andy's fascination with little brown boys has me a bit nervous. I am starting to rethink that request he had that I dress up like Rob Conway for this year's Halloween Party.
Csonka takes on me….take on me…taaaaaake meeeeeee on….take on me. Oh wait, that's not right. Damn that catch ass song.
The 3 Mark-eteers sit down, hold hands and sing Kum ba ya. This is there big 10th edition and they're living it up. Wow, isn't it nice to have low expectations? Read ‘em anyways.
JT and JP give you some notable events which may have gone unnoticed by the untrained eye. Or Hidden Highlights for short. Or HH for even shorter. Or for those of you that are dyslexic, HH.
Sully talks about his attempted escape from the 411 asylum. Well its good to have him on board and to show him that all is forgiven we have this nifty new ankle bracelet for him…don't worry about the beeping.
Super Mashugana talks about the goings on in RoH. Then again, what else would he do? That's his gimmick after all.
The Weyer-wolf compares HHH with JJ. JJ has "The Big Bad Booty Daddy" as back up and HHH has some "Big Bad Booty" and his Daddy backing him up. Game, set, match.
I'm feelin' like O'Dog and me are on the same page as far as the, "Why the hell is Hulk Hogan still around" thought goes. Hulk Hogan is like that one night stand that wants to shower with you and go get breakfast. Look Bitch, I left you bus fare, what more do you want?
I wish I had something funny to go out on this week but I don't. I used up all the good material in the body of the column…or the left overs…or…shit, maybe this column wasn't even that funny after all. I am kinda hocked up on "Vault" right now so who knows. I just hope that isn't in the "wellness program" here at 411, cuz' then I'd be fucked. Well, um…go submit a "6 degrees" this week, if you make it to PWG this weekend, remember to say ‘wazzup' and… I dunno, quit touching yourself so much. John. *I just threw that last part in there for fun, I mean, I'm sure someone is going to read this named John and he'll be all, "how the fuck did he know??", yeah, total mind fuck for that guy*
