News From Cook’s Corner 07.20.06
Posted by Steve Cook on 07.20.2006
This column is cooler than the other side of the pillow…which is good because it’s freaking hot outside.
Hey Hey! Big ups to everybody who turned me on to the proxy server thing, as that is now what I am using to access this website. One of these days I should be able to log in and actually post this column on my own. A little later on I'll tell y'all what kinds of websites I like to access when 411 is unavailable…and not all of them are risqué, so stay tuned for that.
The Penguin is back with his take on John Cena. Whether he comes back or not may be up to you folks…unless Ashish decides to ban him from the site completely for some of his posts at the forum. I kid…like Ashish reads the forum. Get real!
And we've got some stuff worth talking about this week. I think. Let's find out together!
This column is brought to you by XM Radio and Bud Light. XM Radio & Bud Light: The Perfect Writing Combination! Have some fun and guess how drunk I was when each portion of this column was typed up. The winner gets a No-Prize.
XM Radio Channel for this column: Big Tracks (XM 49)
The Spirit Squad breaking up?
So there is a God, and he listens to me. For many nights I have been praying for the Spirit Squad to be taken off of my television. You might ask why I would be praying for such a thing when there's war in the Middle East, a heat wave all across the U.S., tropical storms in the oceans, and all sorts of other fun stuff.
Answer: I am a very spiteful person who just doesn't care about anybody but myself. Hey, at least I'm honest about it.
Dave Meltzer reports that the group is being broken up. So this makes me a very happy camper. The Spirit Squad brought absolutely nothing to the table except bad cheers and ridiculous spots using a trampoline. Some people like that sort of thing, but people like all sorts of weird shit that doesn't make any sense. American Idol, for example. Who the hell wants to watch a talent show with a bunch of no-names that aren't really that good, a host that redefines the word "metrosexual", and a group of judges that wouldn't know talent if it slapped them across the face? Apparently a lot of people.
It wouldn't bother me so much if it wasn't for those damn Ford commercials playing on every channel with that gray haired idiot that won the thing this year. Who the hell can honestly say that guy has talent? I've heard better singing in my shower, and trust me, I'm no Frank Sinatra. Or even a Frank Sinatra Jr.
Back to the point…it should be interesting to see what they do with these guys when they get broken up. Kenny is the guy everybody says is the future world champion, but I never saw anything too impressive out of him in OVW. Johnny's done some good stuff in OVW, but he's not really anything special…he probably won't end up doing much more than the Bashams did. Mikey is like Crash Holly Lite, he's entertaining but he's not a main eventer. Nicky & Mitch are basically useless.
I'm just grateful this stupid gimmick will be off TV soon and maybe DX will get some real competition. Come on, did anybody really see these guys as threats to Shawn Michaels & Triple H? That was ridiculous.
Mark Henry out 8 months
If I really was the heartless bastard that I say I am, I would say that it would be 8 months until Smackdown is unwatchable again. Mark Henry got injured during the 6-man tag team match on Saturday's Night Main Event. He tore his patella tendon completely off the bone and split his kneecap in two. Nope, no jokes because knee injuries are very painful. I managed to mess up my knee while bowling last night…luckily it was only temporary and it feels almost 100% now.
Yes, I am so unathletic that I hurt myself while bowling. And you wonder why I write about wrestling instead of actually wrestle. Good luck to Mark Henry and we'll see ya in eight months.
Raw moves to The Score
That means nothing if you don't live in Canada. But I just want to rub it in their faces because now Raw will be starting for them at 10 PM. Some people actually care about these things, so I will laugh and laugh and laugh at them.
Suck it, Randle!
They are getting a new Canada-only program on Sunday nights, but to be quite honest I watch way too much WWE as it is, so it doesn't break my heart to miss out on that.
TNA Bound For Glory in Detroit!
Detroit? What a stupid place to hold a show. But hey, it's worlds better than the Impact Zone so this is a very good thing for TNA.
Unfortunately this is the only TNA news bite I have this week. When you're the number two promotion in the country you need to be making bigger news. You need to be getting attention somehow, know what I mean?
Hey, Alex Shelley! Go complain some more about your shitty t-shirt!
Hey, Naturals! Refuse to get your haircut again!
Hey, James Gang! Get caught with some illicit drugs!
Hey, Kevin Nash! Refuse to put somebody over!
Guys, we need something to talk about here. It's not enough to put on good wrestling matches anymore, we need some good old fashioned drama to get all wrapped up in. Like this next story!
Brock refuses to give up IWGP Title belt
So Brock Lesnar decided he didn't want to work for New Japan Pro Wrestling anymore. Fair enough. They had a tournament to determine a new IWGP Champion, which was won by Tanahashi. The excitement comes in when Brock decided that he wasn't going to give them back their title belt. To be fair, it is a really, really nice title belt and I wouldn't want to give it up either. Lesnar is considering defending the belt at a New Korea Pro Wrestling show after receiving a very good offer from them.
See, now that's just the kind of drama we need in the States. Guys refusing to give up title belts is a good thing. Remember when Stan Hansen took the AWA title to Japan and then ran it over with his truck? Good times. Brock Lesnar is just following in the footsteps of all whiny champions that didn't want to job before him. Good for him.
Kelly Kelly has found her niche!
Maybe I've been a little hard on Kelly the past few weeks. So she's a piss poor stripper and can't talk. This week's show was her highlight thus far in ECW, and we've finally found something that she can do pretty well. That something?
Taking Singapore cane shots to the head.
Hey, it's something! And I actually felt sorry for her while they were loading her up on the stretcher. So she can get the sympathy vibe by taking punishment from the ECW Extremists.
Yes, this was the only positive thing I could say about this week's ECW show. The rest was absolute shit and I'm amazed they can top themselves every week in putting out garbage.
Proof that somebody at WWE has a brain
Johnny Fairplay's offer to come to WWE to manage The Miz has been turned down. Thank goodness. I saw enough of Fairplay wasting TV time in TNA, he doesn't need to be back on televised wrestling shows anytime soon.
The reason seems a bit suspicious though. Apparently the reason Fairplay's idea was turned down was because "The Miz has to be a babyface". This convinces me that WWE has no idea what kind of people their fans will cheer for, because Miz seems like one of the most unlikable turds to ever grace television. Then again, these are the same people who have been pushing John Cena as the top babyface despite a year of a lot of their fans saying that they don't like John Cena the way he's being used.
Some people do like it though. Here's Penguin!
I hate John Cena.
Seriously I do. I think he is bland, I think he is pointless, he does nothing that entertains me.
And I think he is the best wrestler in the industry.
He goes above and beyond his job description.
See I came to a realization the other night. I have seen every RAW pay per view for the last nine or so months. Since before New Year's Revolution. I think since last year's Summerslam. Granted, usually I go to my local blast area joint, Buffalo Wild Wings, but the point is, I am watching the product and actively spending money to do so.
To see Cena lose.
So actually, I care about the world title about as much as I ever have. The Ultimate Warrior win at Wrestlemania six really captivated me, but I was pretty young and that's how big of a Hulkamaniac I was.
I hated Edge. I hated him to the point I almost hated him as much as Brock Lesnar and Bret Hart. Like I feel now about Samoa Joe. They all have one theme in common: overrated in my opinion.
I hated Edge. Then he turned heel and I found him at least entertaining. He was better, but he still sucked. Until New Year's revolution.
I was so fucking happy that John Cena lost, I ended up liking Edge. Still like him to his day. One of my favorites currently.
John Cena creates love in his fans, but he also makes his detractors identify with his challenger. That's money right there ladies and gentlemen.
I spent forty dollars on One Night Stand 2. Granted I justified it to myself that it was to support the ECW brand that I used to love all those years ago.
But I really just knew Cena would lose. He had to.
And I call it the best pay per view I've seen in years. I'm still watching it over and over again.
Because Cena lost.
That's a captivating character ladies and gentlemen. That is a profit making son of a gun. He is getting himself over, he is getting his opponents over, and he is getting fan interaction over, something the WWE desperately needs.
All hail John Cena. The champ is here.
But it's still an ugly ass belt.
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That belt is ugly. I think I'll bring the penguin back next week to talk about the Big Show being the greatest ECW Champion of all time so I can disagree with him.
Hey, I can do some plugging this week!
JT & JP manage to argue even though they agree on everything imaginable. How bizarre.
JT is stepping up the pressure on me going up north for that WWE show, and I still have no money. Maybe I should start a telethon or something. The 5 bucks I could get might be able to buy me a gallon of gas.
In other news that nobody cares about, did you know that both JT & Larry have my number and neither has ever called me? They are obviously too busy having phone sex with each other…to be fair, Larry thought that he was calling the JT from the Diva Search at first. JT thought he was calling the ex-Miami Dolphin. It's weird how things work out sometimes, isn't it?
OK, Larry gets a plug so he won't fire me for that last comment.
Ari celebrates his one year anniversary by doing a chant for a traitor. How he can support that dastardly cad Bryan Danielson, I will never know. His theme music does rule the universe though.
Well, actually I support Danielson, but I am not a Gabe loyalist. I have higher standards for Ari than myself.
Meehan talks about my least favorite wrestler. I will say this…if Randy Orton can kill Hulkamania, he will forever have my respect. My hatred for Hogan far exceeds my hatred for Orton…if Randy can finally get rid of this guy, good for him.
I just noticed that we have like 10 columns on Thursday now. At least, we did last week. This means one of two things…either I rule and everybody wants to be on my day, or I suck and Ashish is loading the lineup so people will actually visit the site. It could go either way.
Domingo still sucks.
What does Steve Cook do on the Internet when he can't get on 411?
Two words: YouTube.
Or is that just one? Anyway, if you haven't jumped on the YouTube bandwagon you're really missing out on some good shit. It's pretty much the number one site I visit these days, where I can check out stuff like this:
Chikara Podcast-A-Go-Go - Chikara is quite possibly the most fun North American wrestling promotion currently, and you get a small taste of it in the weekly Podcast-A-Go-Go. You can also get it on iTunes, but I don't get iTunes so I check it out on YouTube. Good stuff, even though Wiggly's humor can be a bit questionable at times. He makes the show happen, so I can't hate on him too much.
Traci! - If Impact won't give me my fix, YouTube will. And thank God for that.
When I'm not doing that, I'm usually e-fedding over at Twisted Experience. Twisted Championship Wrestling is the original e-fed for 411 Forumers, anything else is just a pale imitation. Especially that shit at the forum now. Plus, they have this awesome group called Infinity that kicks ass. If you want to really e-fed, this is the place to go.
For my wrestling news fix I go to Wrestling Observer and the DVDVR. The DVDVR forums are very sketchy, but at least they talk about some wrestling that isn't WWE. Most message boards can't make that claim.
OK, everything else I visit involves porn. Can you blame me?
Ashish's recaps rule
I'm sick of people who were in diapers when Ashish started this website on his own back in 1996 pissing and moaning about his recaps. You know what I like about Ashish? The guy gets to the point. No bullshit. He tells you how it went down without any spin or overexcited capital letters for high spots that we've seen 250 times before.
He's like that off the site too…he doesn't bother with small talk. Ashish doesn't talk to me (or most other people) very much, but he'll get in touch with you over something important, like when I couldn't access the site at all the past couple of weeks. Considering he probably doesn't read this column very often, I thought it was nice of him to ask what was going on with that.
Some people might say "hey, I could do what Ashish does, it's not that hard". And maybe they could, but Ashish has something that all these other people bitching and moaning don't…credibility outside his little circle of friends. If you go and get a site like this running for ten years with the same kind of popularity behind it, you can bitch and complain about the guy all you want. Till then, put a sock in it.
The ironic thing is that when I did recaps I included all sorts of bullshit and dumb capital letters. But different people have different styles, y'know?
By the way, that isn't the end. Due to no format I can throw plugs wherever the hell I want. Woohoo!
WWE sucks? Watch something good instead!
I have avoided talking about Saturday Night's Main Event in this column because it was pretty sucky. I think Larry actually gave it too much credit, which is saying something. The show got a piss poor rating, which is good because that's what it deserved.
There is a solution to this problem though…since WWE is not really doing it for me these days, I tend to check out more wrestling that isn't WWE. Here are a couple of promotions that I've been seeing a bit more of lately that you might like too. TNA is not mentioned because I've been putting them over since I started here yet I don't think they really do enough to make themselves different as far as their shows go.
HUSTLE - I got to watch a HUSTLE show before SNME, and I think that really spoiled me. It is the only HUSTLE show that I have seen, but it was completely awesome. HUSTLE is the Japanese take on "Sports Entertainment" from the fine people that bring you PRIDE Fighting Championships. Unless you're a puro diehard you probably won't recognize most of the wrestlers, but Yoshihiro Tajiri is there as one of the top babyfaces and doing that thing that he does so well. There are some guest appearances from Americans, as Team 3D was on the show that I watched, and Mick Foley & Bill Goldberg have previously made appearances for the promotion. The Monster Army is probably the coolest heel faction in the wrestling business today. But the best thing about HUSTLE is that they take the ridiculousness of "sports entertainment" and make it ACTUALLY ENTERTAINING. I didn't think it could be done in this day and age, but HUSTLE has done it. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of it available unless you find some good tape traders that sell the Japanese stuff, but if you can access it I would highly recommend that you do so.
Ring Of Honor - I really do love going to their shows, even though their message board fans completely disagree with everything that is logical. ROH brings the wrestling that I love, and recently they've been mixing in the hardcore brawling with guys like Necro Butcher. In a little more than a week I get to see the Butcher in a barbed wire match with BJ Whitmer, Bryan Danielson vs. Austin Aries vs. Homicide vs. Delirious, Nigel McGuinness vs. Colt Cabana, Christopher Daniels vs. Matt Sydal…what's not to love?
Well, Jimmy Rave. But for some reason they keep booking him.
I mentioned Chikara earlier as another alternative. Pro Wrestling Guerilla sounds like a lot of fun. The choices are out there…if you're bitching and moaning about how much WWE sucks, you have no excuse not to try and watch something else.
See, I can bitch and moan because I watch wayyyyyyyyyyyy too much wrestling.
Song of the Week: "I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.
Now, every morning, just before breakfast,
I don't want no coffee or tea.
Just me and my good buddy Weiser.
That's all I ever need.
Cause I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.
Now, the other night I lay sleeping,
And I woke from a terrible dream.
So I called up my pal, Jack Daniels,
And his partner Jimmy Beam.
And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.
Well, the other night I got invited to a party,
But I stayed home instead.
Just me and my pal Johnny Walker,
And his brothers Black and Red.
And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.
Well, my whole family done give up on me,
And it makes me feel so bad.
The only one who'll hang out with me
Is my dear old Granddad.
And we drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.
That's all for this week, folks. Tune in next week…when EVERYBODY DIES!
