The Worldalo According to Rongalo 07.26.06
Posted by Ron Gamble on 07.26.2006
Because everything's classy when you say it in Juggalo!
I'm watching "50 Greatest Game Shows of All Time" on GSN, formerly (and properly) known as Game Show Network, and just a couple complaints. But first, here's the list so far, as of July 25:
50. 3's a Crowd
49. The New Treasure Hunt
48. Blockbusters
47. Studs
46. Hollywood Showdown
45. Shop 'til You Drop
44. Truth or Consequences
43. Tattletales
42. Queen for a Day
41. The $1.98 Beauty Show
40. Twenty-One
39. G.E. College Bowl
38. Whammy! The All-New Press Your Luck
First, "Studs?" "Studs" was simply "Love Connection" with people admitting they were sleeping together. It was a lousy show that Rupert Murdoch ordered off Fox stations because of its content. What does that tell you about it?
Next, Bill Cullen hosted many game shows, including the nighttime version of "The $25,000 Pyramid," "Three on a Match," and "Hot Potato." But "Blockbusters" is the only one that got him an Emmy nomination. This was his best game, and it got ranked behind "Studs." Brilliant.
Third, another game that belonged nowhere near this list, "The $1.98 Beauty Show." This was considered the trashiest Chuck Barris game show ever, even worse than "3's a Crowd" and "The Gong Show." Six women would humiliate themselves on television in hopes of winning $1.98. My daughter watched the episode with me, and couldn't believe it was a real show.
Finally, of all the Chuck Barris shows, the best show, that offered the biggest prizes, was "The New Treasure Hunt." Back in the mid-1970's, the grand prize of $25,000 was big money. Geoff Edwards tortured the contestants (always women) by going back and forth between making them think they won a new car or a klunk. It was brilliant, it was classy, and apparently, that wasn't enough to put it higher than number 49.
Four years ago, someone who used to populate this site made up a list of the fifteen greatest game shows of all time. For the most part, I agree with his list, and I wonder what he thinks of the list currently counting down on GSN. Maybe he'll write to me; maybe I'll write to him.
On with the show!
GATHER ROUND, YOU NINJAS...
You've heard of "My Dinner with Andre," a movie where Wallace Shawn and Andre Gregory talk to each other over dinner. You've also heard of "My Breakfast with Blassie," where Andy Kaufman and Fred Blassie talk over breakfast. Now comes the third part of this thrilling trilogy, not in movie form, but rather, written out in an online column. May I present, for your reading enjoyment, "My Late Night Snack with Pondo."
I went to a Mad Pro Wrestling show in Chillicothe, OH, over the weekend. I was looking forward to a few matches on the card, including the main event, Freak Show (Brian Fury and Shigroth) vs. Murder Death Kill (Chance Prophet and Juggulator) in a cage match, a rematch from the debut 3WA (I know, I know...) show last year in Circleville, OH. There was also the matchup of legends between Chillicothe resident Bobby Fulton and Ricky Morton. One matchup I wasn't too sure about was a JCW title match between Billy Black and the Juggalo champion, Madman Pondo. I only knew of Pondo by reputation, having heard of him and seen one or two of his matches on YouTube. Something about him made me a little uneasy. After all, he sliced people up for money and enjoyed it!
Billy Black got off to a quick start, managing to staple a dollar bill to Pondo's head (It's on the other side of Pondo's head in this picture, but this is the best shot). Pondo came back, though, by using a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire, a bowling ball, a stop sign, a cinder block a sledge hammer to the cahones, and stapling a dollar to a part of Black's body that I couldn't watch, but still makes me cringe. I won't type it here, but the body part rhymes with "lung."
Then, the match went outside, where it got really sick.
Pondo grabbed a fluorescent light tube and, as Black got a running start, swung for the fences. Billy Black began bleeding all over the place. After some more bloodletting, Pondo grabbed Black and drug him around the ring, chasing her. The end came mercifully enough, with Pondo doing a somersault from the top rope through a chair, set up over a stop sign, placed on Black's face. Three seconds later, Madman Pondo retained his title, and he can have it.
After the show, Dave Lanning and I went with many of the wrestlers to a local restaurant, where we sat at a table for eleven. Chance Prophet pulled up a chair on my left, on the end of the table. Dave sat on my right. And across the table from Dave, straight ahead, was Madman Pondo.
"Oh, geeze," I thought. "This is gonna be miserable."
When I was a kid, I had a nightmare that I walked into a room, and after I shut the door, The Sheik and Abdullah the Butcher were in the room. I turned around to leave, but the door was locked. They walked toward me, pencils and knives out, ready to cut my little body to ribbons. I woke up screaming.
I was now ready for Madman Pondo to join them in the room.
We ordered our meals, and Pondo and Dave started talking about another wrestler (sorry, no names here). Pondo said, "You know, there are some guys who would have to spend a few months in prison before they turned gay. But he's about one speeding ticket from there." Everyone at the table laughed, and I thought, "Okay, this may not be as horrible as I thought. Just stay quiet, and they'll talk about others." What's the old saying about rookies in the dressing room for the first time? Keep your ears open and your mouth shut; you learn more that way. I can do that.
Soon, Bobby Fulton, who was eating at another table with his family, was leaving, but he stopped by to say he enjoyed the show. After he left, Pondo talked about how great it was that he and Ricky Morton are so willing to help out others in the business. We talked about watching when we were younger (I'm still a few years older than him). "I remember when Global was on ESPN, and it was on at some weird time, like 4:15 or something like that. When it was first on, they had guys like Cactus Jack, Eddie Gilbert, Terry Gordy, Jerry Lynn, Lightning Kid... I would run home from school to watch it, because it was so cool. Then, after awhile, I started walking home and would just catch the end of the show."
"Hey," I thought, "this Pondo guy's not bad."
He talked about growing up in the part of the country where he did. "An hour-and-a-half one way, we had St. Louis, where they had classic NWA. You go an hour-and-a-half another way, and there's Memphis, with the USWA; but before that, it was the CWF. About four hours this way, you get to Dallas and World Class. You go north a couple hours to Chicago, and they had everything there. And there was this guy who would take me to all those for free, but only if I was good. If I was bad, I couldn't go with him. You better believe I was a good kid."
I was won over by his wily charms.
There was some other talk about the future of Mad Pro Wrestling, and then he talked about his time in TNA. If you don't remember him, don't worry; he wasn't there long. He was part of a six-man tag against 3 Live Kru, and forgot to get back in the ring for the finish. "Ron Killings said to me, 'Man, why didn't you get in there? We were supposed to tussle.' And I thought, 'We weren't gonna 'tussle,' you were gonna beat me up.'"
He then talked about his own wrestling. He does the hardcore stuff because "no one will pay me to have a regular wrestling match. I had to go hardcore to make any money." (This was not a recent development; check out this interview from October 1999)
By now, it was time to go, and Dave and I stood to go. I shook everyone's hand, and as I got to Pondo, I told him, "I want you to know, I was dreading this. I thought, 'Man, he's gonna hate me.'"
Pondo was confused. "What do you mean? Why would I hate you?"
"I don't mean me, in particular. I meant, I knew you by reputation only, and thought you were going to be a miserable so-and-so. I am very happy to find I was wrong, and I want to apologize to you."
"Well, tell you what. If you ever get on any of those internet wrestling websites, will you tell everyone, please? I really am a nice guy!"
Mission accomplished, Mr. Pondo.
BUILD LIKE AN EGYPTIAN
A couple weeks ago, I told you about the fun I had at Origins. This week, I review a game that debuted there.
WHAT?
Cleopatra and the Society of Architects was created by Bruno Cathala (Boomtown, Atlas & Zeus) and Ludovic Maublanc (Kill Dog, Ca$h 'n' Gun$). It is published in English-speaking countries by Days of Wonder (Memoir '44, Shadows Over Camelot, and 2004 Spiel des Jahres winner Ticket to Ride).
HOW?
Cleopatra and the Society of Architects takes place, as one might imagine, during the reign in Egypt of Cleopatra. You are an architect (no big shock there), and all architects are competing to build a great temple in honor of the great queen. Players use resources like stone, marble, wood, and lapis lazuli, as well as artisans, to build column walls, sphinxes, a throne and pedestal, obelisks, door frames, and tiles which make up the Mosaics of the Gods.
Each piece of the temple requires a certain number of resource cards; for example, to build a door frame, a player would need two artisans, one wood, one marble, and one lapis. For each piece built, players receive a certain amount of money. Fairly simple, right?
There are also some double resource cards. For a door frame, for example, a player may play a double artisan card instead of two single artisan cards. However, for each double resource card played, players are "rewarded" with a corruption token. This is not good; at the end of the game, the player who is most corrupt is "fed to the crocodiles."
There are other special cards players can use, known as Worshippers of Sobek. A Beggar will allow you to either get one untainted resource card or two talents (money) from each player. These will give you more materials to build more temple parts, but you will also get two corruption tokens.
After a player builds a temple piece, he rolls up to five dice. Five sides of each die are blank, while the sixth side has an ankh. If an ankh is rolled, the die is put aside, and the next player to build will roll four dice (or, however many came up blank on the last roll). When all five dice have rolled ankhs, players must make an offering to the gods. The player who is most generous loses three corruption tokens, the second-most generous gains one, third-most gains two, and so on.
After an element of the temple is completely built (for example, both obelisks, or all six sphinxes), Cleopatra moves one step closer to the entry to her temple. When five of the six elements have been completed, Cleopatra will be at the door, and the game is over. As I mentioned earlier, the player with the most corruption is fed to the crocodiles. Of the players left, the one with the most talents (still money) is the winner.
WELL?
It's not bad. It is a three-dimensional design, with the building pieces being real plastic that stand instead of cardboard tokens, so it is nice to look at the game, even if you're not playing. Game play is also not bad, and the idea of corruption as a way to lose will balance the game, forcing players to try to get single resource cards, instead of relying on double cards and Worshipper of Sobek cards.
But, each time I've played it, it's felt, well, okay. Not great, not horrible, just okay. For a game that made its big debut at one of the biggest board game conventions in the world, I expected more. Kids will love it for the same reason they love Mouse Trap: the 3-D concept. Other than that, it's no different from any number of Eurogames on the market today, and much simpler.
If you like building games, get it. If you like Cleopatra- or Egyptian-themed games, get it. Otherwise, wait until someone you know gets it, then play their copy.
PLAYERS – 3-5 (works best with 5)
COMPLEXITY OF RULES (1.0 = Jump right in; 10.0 = Set aside a day or so to read) – 5.5
COMPLEXITY OF STRATEGY (1.0 = No strategy needed; 10.0 = Look before you touch anything) – 4.0
PLAYABILITY (1.0 = If you've played it once, you've played it all; 10.0 = Never the same game twice) – 7.5
OVERALL GRADE (1.0 = Buy it as a gift for your little sister; 10.0 = All-time classic) – 6.0
FEELING BETTER?
Yes, I am. And not one mention of the new ECW at... damn!
