Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 07.27.06: Don't Be Trendy
Posted by Ryan Byers on 07.27.2006
Reviewing a ton of Hulk Hogan matches somehow helps to prove what Brutus Beefcake knew all along - it's hip to be square.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. I'm Ryan Byers, and I've been all over the site for the last couple of days, which is going to lead to the return of an incredibly egocentric segment of our column. Yes, it's . . .
When I Think About You, I Pimp Myself
SUNDAY - I subbed for Jeff Small, writing his weekly news report. Some of you are probably thinking, "Ryan, why do I want to read news that's several days old by now?" Well, the report contains more than just news, folks. I also threw in a preview of PWG's upcoming Battle of Los Angeles tournament and a mini-reviews of SHIMMER: Volume 1 and NECW Internet TV, which features the female version of Mark Briscoe. It's indy-tastic!
TUESDAY - As always, I cast my vote in 411's Wrestlers of the Week. I'm amazed that LAX didn't get more attention after their excellent beat-down of AJ Styles and Christopher Daniels on Impact.
THURSDAY - You're reading my contribution for Thursday right now.
FRIDAY - It's not up yet, but be sure to check out Larry Csonka's Wrestling's 3 R's tomorrow. The boss man has had some computer problems, so Triple Threat member Sean Garner and I will be providing the R's for ECW and Raw respectively.
That's enough of the self-aggrandization. Let's move on to this week's cheap wrestling tip!
Cheap Wrestling Tip #46: Outdated? Pshhh . . .
Well, it's finally gotten to that point. The WWE Home Video department has run out of fresh ideas for releases and has had to do a little bit of recycling. Later this summer, a four disc Hulk Hogan DVD set will be unleashed upon an unsuspecting marketplace, combining footage from the AWA, WWF, WCW, and even the XWF of all places. There's already a lot of talk about the DVD on wrestling message boards across the internet, with some thinking that it will be a great addition to their collection and some thinking that it's not worth buying because so much of the footage is already available on past home video releases, most notably the 2002 two-disc set "Hulk Still Rules." (To say nothing of the sundry of Hulk-related Coliseum Videos that were produced in the 1980's and are still available in the dark corners of eBay.)
Regardless of what you think about it, the release of the new Hogan set does create a fortunate side effect for those of us who enjoy cheap wrestling. It means that people who already bought the first set will be attempting to unload their copies, and I can't imagine a three year old DVD grabbing all that much in the free market. In fact, if you look around eBay or other, similar auction sites long enough, you're already bound to find a copy for an astonishingly low price. This phenomenon will likely grow as we get closer and closer to the release date for the new set. If the trend of WWE Home Video releasing somewhat redundant DVD sets continues, this could result in low-priced copies of many titles appearing throughout the internet. The only thing that you have to do in order to get ahold of them is swallow your pride and admit that you're buying something that isn't the latest and greatest. You're buying something that's outdated, but there's no shame in that so long as you save money while still picking up a quality product.
Of course, there's still the question of what the product's quality is, and that will get answered in our review.
Title: Hulk Still Rules Released By: WWE Release Year: 2002 Run Time: 240 minutes Found At:eBay Price: $6
Hulk Hogan. There, I said the guy's name. I really don't think that I need to pile on any superlatives about who the man is or what he's done for the wrestling industry. If you're reading this, then you know the score. He was the WWF's top draw in what was arguably its hottest period, and he then jumped to WCW and became the focal point around which that company centered as it finally surpassed the WWF and became the number one wrestling promotion in America. Oh yeah, and he also used his undue political influence to hold a bunch of people down and keep himself on top despite the fact that it was clear nobody wanted to see his act anymore. Yes, this happened in both companies. Anyway, now that I've regurgitated a bunch of information that probably didn't need to be covered, let's move along to the DVD itself. WWE put this bad boy out at the height of Hulk-a-nostalgia in 2002, alongside Hogan's rather self-serving autobiography and a line of tear away t-shirts for a whole new generation of little Hulksters. Much like several WWE DVD releases of the era, we've got two parts . . . the first being a rather useless hour long fluff piece on the personality being profiled, and the second part being what people REALLY came to see, namely a bunch of bonus matches. Let's dig in.
The Main Feature
Much like the introduction I did to this review, there's not a whole heck of a lot here that wrestling fans wouldn't already know. There's a bunch of sit down interview footage with Hogan, as he guides us through a VERY condensed version of his career. As you can imagine from a feature that's only an hour long, the thing jumps around a good deal. I don't have much of a problem with that given the limited time, but the things that it jumps around to are just bizarre. For example, Wrestlemania I is obviously covered, but Wrestlemania VI against the Ultimate Warrior? Not mentioned once, despite the fact that it was one of the biggest and hottest crowds that Hogan ever drew. However, Wrestlemania II, one of the most forgettable incarnations of the event, gets a pretty good sized chunk of time. Yes, Hogan/Warrior gets nothing, but Hogan/BUNDY manages to grab just about as much airtime as any other single match in the feature. Bizarre. Similar oversights include the Hulkster going on for a bit about Randy Savage but never actually mentioning the angles that they worked together, most notably WMV with the Megapowers exploding. And, of course, since Hogan is in WWE at this point and doesn't need Randy to potentially draw any money, he just lambasts the Macho Man and makes him look like one of the biggest ingrates in the history of the planet. Hogan MADE Savage, dammit! At least that's what this interpretation of WWF history would have you believe.
And that segues very well in to point number two, which deals with the manner in which Hogan chooses to spin things during his interview segments. It's always very interesting to hear Mr. Bollea talk about anything, because you know he's just going to take the current situation and put it in whatever light is best for him at the time. He's a master of verbal manipulation in that regard, and it's very interesting to note here. For example, in responding to several of the criticisms about his political power backstage, Hogan does finally admit that maybe he held on for too long and couldn't take no for an answer when he was still hanging around in the early 90's WWF. Yet, when it comes to WCW and all of the problems that plagued that company, Hulk washes his hands of any responsibility whatsoever and points the finger squarely at Vince Russo. Yeah, I wouldn't disagree that Russo was part of the problem, but Hogan portraying himself as the innocent who tried to save the company from Vince II's evil grasp and then had nobody listen to him is a little nuts. Okay, a lot nuts. If I had more time on my hands and more of a desire to do so, I'd go through both this feature and the Hulk Hogan book to see how many glaring inconsistencies there are in his points of view.
Overall, the main feature is a throwaway, but it's not as though anybody who buys WWE DVDs doesn't already know that. Again, if you want a history of Hogan's career from his own perspective, the autobiography goes in to things in much more detail, though you don't get the same pretty moving pictures. Thumbs down to the first hour, but here come the bonus features to save us all. Or will they?
DVD Bonus Material
Bonus Match Numero Uno: Hulk Hogan w/ Freddie Blassie vs. Ted DiBiase (12/17/1979)
This is listed as Hulk Hogan's debut with the WWF, though I'm rather suspicious of that claim given that it's pretty convenient that he just happened to debut at Madison Square Garden and just happened to debut against somebody who would go on to become big enough of a name in wrestling to still be recognized by today's fans. The two future rivals hook it up, and Hogan shoves his man away. Lockup number two results in a DiBiase full nelson, but the Hulkster powers out of it and bats DiBiase away again when the smaller man goes for a top wristlock. They tie up again, and, believe it or not, it's Hogan that takes his man down and rides him for a bit, but DiBiase manages to pop up to his feet in short order and land a couple of arm drags on Hulk. Hogan bails as a result of this, and he gives the referee a wedgie on his way back in to indicate that Ted was pulling the tights. It's at this point that I notice our referee appears to be some sort of bizarre midget, as the top rope is literally even with his eyes. Well, if you want to make sure that your wrestlers look like giants, I suppose that's one way to do it. That's probably also why Blassie is wearing his pants pulled up to his armpits. (For the record, I don't know how that makes Hogan look taller, but I just wanted to point out the fashion faux pax.)
The action starts up again as Ted grabs a headlock, but he runs in to a shoulderblock from the Venice Beach native . . . AND DIBIASE STAYS UP! NO SELL THAT SHIT, TED! YOU GO! Teddy boy then erases all of my faith in him as he charges directly at Hogan and gets thrown to the outside in a rather violent manner. The Incredible Hulk swats his man off of the apron a couple of times in order to assert his dominance, and then he eventually suplexes him back in to the ring. The legdrop, not yet established as a deadly finisher, nets two for Hogan, as does a slam/elbowdrop combo. A back elbow then takes DiBiase off his feet, and the chinlock is applied. In one of the little things that made older wrestling look a lot less choreographed than modern wrestling, Ted actually tries to fight out of the hold as opposed to just sitting there and letting Hogan whisper in to his ear. Then, in a bizarre miscue, the bell rings as thought somebody thought that was the finish despite there being absolutely no indication of it from the wrestlers or the referee. Maybe Vince was practicing for Montreal in eighteen years. The ref waves it off, however, and DiBiase makes the babyface comeback, charging Hogan directly in to the turnbuckle. Hogan then misses an elbowdrop, and a pair of dropkicks from the future Million Dollar Man rock the Hulkster. A running shoulder in the corner follows, but a second attempt misses, and when flesh meets steel, flesh wins. Wait . . . that's not right. Dammit. A backbreaker and a bearhug finish of Ted not long after.
Match Thoughts: One of the better Hogan matches that I've seen, and I don't think that I have to mention that DiBiase is a huge part of the reason why. It's sort of bizarre to watch this one, as Ted played the exact same smaller, pluckier babyface role that Hogan would whip out against people like Andre, King Kong Bundy, and Earthquake . . . aside from the eventual no selling of everything and the big comeback to finish. However, giving credit where credit is due, Hogan also played his part in the match very well, probably moving faster than I've seen him do since. Yeah, you can say that's not impressive since he was younger, but he was also much bigger. **
Bonus Match Numero Dos: Bob Backlund vs. Samoan #3 w/ Afa, Sika, & Lou Albano (12/1983)
One of these days WWE should do a Backlund DVD just to see how badly it tanks. This was originally supposed to be a tag team match between the Samoans, Backlund, and a mystery partner, but Albano refused to agree to it unless he could know who the mystery partner was. Thus, the match morphs in to a one-on-one bout before morphing in to something that doesn't resemble a wrestling match in the least. Backlund plays around with the Samoan and tosses him around a bit before realizing he's outnumbered, running to the back and getting his would be mystery partner, a post-AWA Hulk Hogan. Backlund continues the match, locking up with the Samoan and getting hit with a headbutt for his trouble. However, the Samoan is then sent in to the buckle and Backlund locks on the crossface chicken wing, setting up a run-in from all the bad guys. Naturally, Hogan hits the ring and the faces dominate, including a double noggin knocker from Hulk to Afa and Sika. Wait, that shouldn't have worked! INCONSISTENCY! This was barely a match, so I'm not going to bother rating it.
Pat Patterson is providing color commentary on this one and, for those of you who have never had the privilege of hearing Pat engage in that task before, think back to Juventud Guerrera's short lived and ill-fated run as an announcer for WCW Thunder and you'll get the idea. This is in fact THE match, for anybody who had doubts. Hogan ambushes the Sheik while the champion's robe is still on, blasting him with the corner back elbow. A clothesline takes Sheiky down, and Hulk chokes him with the aforementioned robe before the referee gets it away from him. The champ is spat on leading up to the big boot, which only manages to get a two count. A really bad elbow to the head follows, and an elbowdrop gets Hogan's second nearfall. Hulk then goes to the well with the corner back elbow for a second time, but it misses by a mile. As a result, the Sheik boots away and hits a backbreaker for two before loading the boot and stomping some more. The man from Terrahn then slaps on his version of the Boston crab as I struggle to come up with an Arab word beginning with "B" that could replace Boston. Hulk does a pushup out of that one but falls victim to a GUT WRENCH SUPLEX! SUPLEX HIM, PUT HIM IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH, BREAK HIS BACK, AND THEN . . . well, you know the rest. Hogan is not humbled and powers out to a standing position and backs in to the corner at high speed to splat the Sheik. The legdrop hits, and we've got ourselves a new era in professional wrestling.
Match Thoughts: I don't think that I've ever seen a major world champion get squashed so badly in a non-fingerpoke related match. *
A variety of post-match promos with the new champion follow, the first one being notable for the big loogie that Hulk unintentionally hocks on to Gene Okerlund. Before that can continue, the bizarre trio of Andre, Ivan Putski, and Rocky Johnson run in and douse both men with champagne. Promo number two sees Hulk's parents Ruth "Hogan" and Pete "Hogan" brought in. Mom rules on the mic, but dad doesn't do so well. I call that one Judy Bagwell syndrome, as the wrestler's mother always seems to get herself over far better than the wrestler's father.
Bonus Segment Numero Uno: Training Gene Okerlund (Tuesday Night Titans, 8/21/84)
This starts out in the Titans studio with Vince McMahon interviewing Hulk Hogan about his devotion to physical fitness. Hogan works out, you see. In fact, the Hulkster even "turned on" (What is it with him and that phrase?) Gene Okerlund to how cool it is to be fit, and we go to footage proving just that fact. This is a clip that's lived on in infamy thanks to the internet, as it was used to set up a match in Minnesota that paired Hogan up with Gene as a tag team against George Steele and Mr. Fuji. The idea was that Hulk wanted both heels on his own but Jack Tunney or whoever the figurehead president was at the time wouldn't allow it, so Hogan simply picked the most worthless partner he could find. For once, that didn't equate to Ed Leslie.
With that said, we go to the training video, as Hogan busts in to Gene's VERY 80's house at 5 AM while Gene-o is having his traditional cigar and pancake breakfast. Naturally, that doesn't work for Hogan, who immediately puts Okerlund to task by having him chug raw eggs. Apparently the massive cholesterol overdose Hogan is giving him won't kill him nearly as quickly as the cigar-induced cancer. Then they run . . . and run and run and run. While wearing weight belts, which is something that I don't get at all. Then, oddly, things transform from farcical to serious for approximately five seconds as incredibly inspirational music plays in the background of more running footage. It was like transitioning from the Keystone Cops to Tuesdays with Maury. Then we go right back in to slapstick mode, as Hogan forces his partner to carry him up the stairs of an arena piggyback style. It's here that the skit really gains its claim to fame, as the grunts and "Oh, HULK!"-s that Okerlund lets out during this exercise sound like the byproduct of really rough, gay sex. And this is coming from a guy who knows what rough, gay sex sounds like firsthand. I mean . . . umm . . . boy, that Pamela Anderson is hot, isn't she? I'd do her.
This is coming off the heel turn heard around the world, natch. Orndorff ambushes Hogan as the referee is checking our hero for foreign objects and pummels the blond bombshell, only to have the Hulkster reverse it. Hogan gets a little too aggressive, however, and the referee pulls him off by the hair as, in a rare occurrence, our face announcer starts complaining about biased officiating. A big punch from Hogan sends Mr. Wonderful to the outside, as does a back elbow. If Orndorff can't get back in to the ring then he decides to pull Hulk to the outside, where the champion's head is sent to the apron. Hogan blocks a second attempt and retaliates with the same move before reentering the ring, where a lariat and an elbowdrop are the order of the day for Paula. Hogan follows up with a headbutt and a corner lariat, but Orndorff goes a bit low to reverse the momentum, and Bobby the Brain offers up a bitch slap from the outside for good measure. Orndorff's attempt to capitalize is cut off, however, and the champion heads to the outside to chase Heenan, who eventually runs in to the squared circle where Wonderful ambushes his opponent. Heenan takes an insane flip over the top rope and down to the floor for no apparent reason, thus highlighting one of the reasons why he RULES.
Meanwhile, Paul takes over with some rope-assisted kneedrops, sending Hogan out to the arena floor where he receives a vertical suplex. Paul goes back in to the ring and repeatedly prevents Hulk from reentering via use of the knee, and he delivers a few elbows to the throat as Hogan is laid out across the ring apron. The final one features Mr. #1derful jumping off of the apron and down on to the immortal one's neck, and the bad guy then rubs a foreign object in to Hulk's eyes just for good measure. Back in the ring, Orndorff continues to work over the neck with a punch to the throat and a kneedrop that gets two. A slam and an elbowdrop get the same, and then Paul mounts the top rope and comes off with a big punch. Orndorff then attempts a piledriver, only to have it reversed in to a back body drop, but he goes to Hogan's eyes in order to prevent the comeback from happening just yet. The referee gets in Paul's face and audibly yells at him to "GO HOME!" which sort of telegraphs things, doesn't it? Orndorff bites Hogan's head and takes him down with a backdrop suplex for two, but Hogan rallies with a kneelift that knocks the challenger in to the referee.
With the ref down, Hogan raises up Orndorff's arm and then clotheslines him, reenacting the double cross that set up the match. Hogan looks to complete the recreation with a piledriver, but Heenan runs in and blasts him with a stool for the save. Orndorff gets a lengthy visionary pinfall off of that one, and the ref calls for the bell when he comes to. Orndorff and Heenan think it's because the ref saw Paul counting and awarded him the match via pinfall, but it's actually a disqualification, presumably because the official caught Heenan's actions.
Orndorff uses his boots to vent his frustration on Hogan's head, but the champ Hulks up, blocks a shot from his title belt, and gets Orndorff a big boot that sends him from the ring. Well, if you're going to book a non-finish to continue a feud, that's a smart one to book, because the fans still get to see the heels humiliated as they were dumb enough to believe that the title changed hands when it obviously didn't.
Match Thoughts: Maybe I'm a sadistic bastard, but I've always been a sucker for the "heel focuses in on the throat" strategy, mainly because it seems so brutal, looks fairly realistic when done properly, and isn't something that gets used all too often. In this case it was applied to perfection by Orndorff, and Hogan obliged him in the selling department. Not a lot of flash or even psychology in this one, but it actually looked like it could have been a real fight between two guys who hated each other. **1/4
Yes, another match that I get to preface by saying, "Yes, this match." As the two stare each other down, Gorilla Monsoon claims that Hogan is 6'8" while Andre is 7'5", and anybody who can't accept the fact that they kayfabed Andre's height needs to look no further than this footage, as the top of Hulk's head is clearly even with the Giant's forehead. So, unless Andre has a nine inch tall forehead, somebody's lying . . . and I think the only nine inch forehead I ever saw was on the short-lived MTV animated series The Head. Beat that for obscure pop culture references.
Whoops, look at me. One of the biggest matches in pro wrestling history is going on and I'm flapping my gums about third string sci fi/fantasy shows. The Hulkster goes for a bodyslam right off the bat, and Andre falls directly on top of him for a two count. Incredibly slow boots and forearms to the back follow from the Giant, and he completes the sequence with a knee "lift" that sees his foot get about two inches off of the ground. That's less than a fourth of the size of his forehead. A pair of slams look to kill Hulkamania, and the big man steps on his opponent for laughs. Hulk is then pulled back up by his tights and Irish whipped in to the buckle twice. Andre buries his shoulders and ass in to Hogan's stomach in the corner and then chokes away. The Hulkster slips out of that hold but fails to knock the big man down through various punches, chops, and elbows. He does succeed in ramming the challenger's head in to the turnbuckle ten times but then runs directly in to a boot before the Giant slaps on a bearhug. That lasts entirely too long before Terry punches his way out and fails to get anywhere with a pair of shoulderblocks. Strategically speaking, Hogan is wrestling the stupidest match ever, but he can't wrestle in a way that would make sense (e.g. shooting for the legs) due to Andre's physical limitations at this point. He continues to prove this point by running directly in to a chop, and Andre's boot sends Hogan to the floor.
On the outside, the Giant gets in more chops but headbutts the ringpost as Hogan moves out of the way. The champion then pulls away the ringside mats and attempts to piledrive his opponent on the exposed floor, but it gets reversed in the usual fashion. Hogan didn't even wind up taking a decent looking bump off of that one because the ring got in the way and broke his fall. (Whether what was intentional or not, I have no idea.) Back on the inside, boot number two from Andre misses, and Hogan finally knocks the big man off of his feet. That sets up a powerslam, a leg drop, and we've got ourselves a winner. I almost wanted to say "new champion" instead of "winner" given that a more modern version of this angle would've seen Hogan chasing the belt instead of defending.
Match Thoughts: Much like the Sheik match, it's something that wrestling fans are force fed clips of time and time again in relation to Hogan's career, but, when you watch the full thing, there's really not that much there. Again, they couldn't do much given where Andre was physically at this stage of the game, but the whole thing was just terribly slow and meandering as Hogan laid around on the mat for thirty seconds at a time between forearm shots. 3/4*
Bonus Match Numero Seis: Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake w/ Miss Elizabeth vs. Randy Savage & Zeus w/ Sensational Sherri (WWF Summerslam, 8/28/1989)
I'm just amazed that the DVD gives us nothing from the Hogan/Savage or Hogan/Warrior feuds yet brings out something from the lousy ZEUS era. We're treated to a Hogan/Beefcake promo prior to the match, which doesn't establish a whole heck of a lot other than the fact that the Barber appears to be hopped up on some serious goofballs tonight. What else would prompt a man to talk about a pair of hedge clippers as though they were his long lost brother? In a rarity for the DVD, we're treated to the entrances of all four men, which is mainly just because it all helps set up the big angle where Elizabeth was supposed to be in the faces' corner yet she doesn't come out with them. Hogan eventually tells the Fink to give her a separate introduction and, surprise surprise, she's out to counter Sherri.
Other important pre-match notes: Tony Schiavone is on commentary as part of his brief WWF run, and during the introductions he makes reference to an interview conducted by Sean Mooney earlier in the night. Yes, Tony Schiavone referencing an interview by Sean Mooney during a match featuring Zeus and Ed Leslie. I think if you could freeze frame that moment, it'd be the greatest collection of suck ever captured in the world of professional wrestling (to use some Tony-esque hyperbole). There's also a kid who has dressed EXACTLY like the Barber out in the crowd. One of these days I want to get a group of people together, buy a row of seats at a wrestling event, and have everybody dress up as an Ed Leslie gimmick . . . preferably sitting in chronological order. The row behind us could do Barry Darsow, and the row behind us could do Randy Culley . . . who really isn't made fun of nearly as much as he should be for having 5,000 different gimmicks.
Yes, it's match time. A quick four-way brawl breaks out, and Beefcake tosses Savage to the outside as Hogan eye gouges Zeus but fails to slam him. Tiny chokes away, which is about the only thing he can do, and Brutus tries to save by jumping off of the top rope, but the big man catches him in a bear hug, which is about the only OTHER thing he can do. He then no-sells some offense from Hogan and slaps the bear hug on him, setting up Savage coming off of the top rope with a double sledge to the Hulkster. Savage switches in to the match off of that shot and gets a kneelift to Hogan's back as well as a lariat for two, and we hit the sleeper. The usual gets Hogan out of it, and he gets in a shoulderblock but runs the ropes again and Zeus gets a knee up. I refuse to believe that he actually knew how execute that move, so I'm chalking it up to an involuntary leg spasm. The Macho Man, for some reason, takes this offense as a sign that Zeus should be let back in to the ring, so he tags out. The duo assists each other in throwing Hogan in to the buckle, and Mr. Lister (ooo . . . rhyming) slaps on his favorite hold yet again. This time Hogan eventually crumples to the mat, and his shoulders go down three separate times for two counts.
Fortunately Savage comes back in after this, and they do the whole double buckle whip thing again. Randy then busts out his sweet over the top rope neck snap and lands a backdrop suplex for two. Hulk is laid out on the ropes and the Macho Man attempts to jump on him, but that wily World Champion moves out of the way and gets a hot tag to Beefcake, who was feuding with Savage at the time for those unaware. Bruti hits a lariat and a high knee (his WCW finisher) for two and locks on the sleeper. Randy shoves off and sends him in to the buckle, however, and tags in Zeus by slapping his pec. The Barber goes to the big man's eyes and puts the sleeper on him as well, and it's surprisingly effective. So is the shot that Savage deals out to Beefcake with Sherri's loaded purse, and Brutus is straight up KO'ed. Savage tags himself back in and gets two off of that, but Hogan saves. They do the same thing again, and this time Hogan chases Savage out of the ring, where he attempts to go after Liz again. Hulk saves her, allowing the Macho Man to roll back in to the ring and get a third two count on Leslie, but there's another save from the Huckster.
Sadly, Zeus is then tagged back in and works the Barber over with the world's worst rope choke, placing his leg across Beefcake's shoulder blades and somehow pretending that this will put pressure on his throat. Regular hand choking follows, and the referee isn't even bothering to do a five count. Zeus then completes displaying his vast knowledge of various choking strategies by picking up Beefy with a two-handed choke before choking him in the corner and dropping him over the top rope with a stun gun. He then brings Savage back and Randy is made to look like a fool, as his first offensive move is the simultaneous lariat spot with Beefcake. That gets our hot tag to Hogan, and he smashes Randy with the corner back elbow. A big boot sends the heel out of the ring, and Hogan goes to vertical suplex him back in, but Sherri grabs the leg from outside, causing Savage to fall on top for two. Savage clotheslines his man down and makes sure to tag Zeus before going up top and hitting the big elbow. In one of the most ridiculous displays ever, Hogan STANDS DIRECTLY UP AFTER BEING HIT BY SAVAGE'S FINISHER and sends him out of the ring again with an atomic drop. Oh boy.
But Zeus was tagged in, so he's legal and goes after Hogan. The Hulkster tries to take him down via various means and fails each time. Eventually he gets Z-Gangsta down to one knee. Sherri gets up on the bottom rope to distract Hogan, but Liz interjects by shoving her in to the ring. Meanwhile things really start to break down as Savage goes up with the purse but is cut off by Beefcake. Hogan recovers the handbag and blasts Zeus with it to set up the slam/legdrop combo for a three count. Post-match, Sherri eats an atomic drop, and Liz smacks her with the loaded purse. Hogan then runs off Randy and Zeus with his own pair of Brutus Beefcake hedge clippers while Dizzy Boulder clips the end off of Sherri's pony tail. Hogan then places the chad on to his own head toupee style. How witty.
Match Thoughts: Kudos to the WWF for at least having the good sense to realize that Hogan/Zeus as a singles match wouldn't work out and making this in to a tag . . . but DAMN was it still not good. I'm not knocking Zeus here because I know he wasn't trained adequately, but he was kept in the ring far too long and completely exposed as not being a wrestler, and that killed over half of the match for me. If they still wanted to book him as a monster it would've made a lot more sense to have him in and nailing one killer move, then having Hogan or Beefcake sell it like he was dead. Then Savage could play the cowardly heel role by tagging himself in and working over the downed man. Of course, they'd still need Zeus in again to be involved in the pinfall, but that'd keep him out of the ring while still portraying him as a monster. To his credit, though, Savage seemed to be putting in a lot of extra effort tonight to hold things together. Too little, too late, though. 3/4*
And that does it for the matches on disc one, leaving us with what's basically a bunch of crap, though at least it's historically significant crap. (And, really, for Hogan matches the bouts with DiBiase and Orndorff aren't all that bad.) But that's not all left on our spinny metal friend, however. We've still got the . . .
SPECIAL HYPER BONUS EASTER EGG FEATURE: "Real American" Music Video
To access this one, you've got to go to the chapters menu, or, more specifically, the chapters menu with all of the stuff from Hogan's WCW career. You can highlight the "Hulk Still Rules" logo on that one and hit enter. This is a true masterpiece of 1980's video making. I have seen plenty of bizarre things in my years watching professional wrestling, but the fact that anybody watched this and green lighted it as something that would actually get Hogan over just astounds me. I know that's cliche to say about anything that's weird in wrestling, but it holds true here. At least with the whole Zeus deal you could try to rationalize it on the grounds that he looked scary and it was a good chance to promote the movie. Anyway, I think you'll see what I mean as I begin to describe this little masterpiece.
Things start off innocently enough with Hogan standing in front of an American flag and strumming away on a guitar . . . except that the guitar is ridiculously small, making the Hulkster look like he's a five year old that grabbed an instrument marketed by Fisher-Price. Well, a five year old with a giant moustache and jowls you could land an aircraft on, but you get the point. After that a bunch of pictures of former presidents flash across the screen, notably Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln . . . I'm guessing they're somehow supposed to be linked to Hogan as "Real Americans," but come on. They were the single most powerful human beings in a nation of thousands while Hulk just toured the country pretending to hit Sherri Martel in the face for the better part of a decade. Hey, maybe Hogan should've pulled this out when HE was running for pre . . . oh, nevermind. Then they slap Martin Luther King in there too, because when I think about Terry Bollea I tend to rank him up there with the greatest activists of all time. Yup, MLK, Gandhi, and the Hulkster.
After that, we get shots of Hulk inserted to various US landmarks via the use of a blue screen, and he's still strumming that goddamned midget guitar. I don't think anybody needed to see Hulk's head blown up to the same size as Teddy Roosevelt's while in Mount Rushmore. Again, keep in mind "Real American" is still blaring in the background of this, and the editing department is making absolutely no effort to match up anything that's going on in the shots to anything that is going on musically. Yeah, they got some token shot of Andre being punched when the "if you hurt my friends" line is reeled off, but there's nothing matching the rhythm or flow of the music, which is just shocking after seeing some WWF/WWE productions throughout the late 90's and in to the 21st century.
But oh, don't think we're done yet. Now Hulk is riding his motorcycle, and for some reason they splice in footage of a cowboy riding his horse. Again, the horse's pace is completely off of the music's beat, which just looks really jarring and . . . not good. Eventually the Hulkster winds up standing around in a wrestling ring and soaking up the adoration of his fans. The only problem is that the "arena" is clearly a TV studio somewhere, meaning the overall number of fans looks minuscule compared to the number that would be at a live event. I mean, really, the company did enough TV tapings . . . would it kill them to just tell the lemmings to dance around for a little bit while Hulk posed for a scene in his new music video? Everything caps off with a shot of Hogan giving a tiny American flag to a little boy in the front row. I'd personally like to take a look in to that boy's life and see what he's up to now. I'm guessing that he made decent money at a factor job for a few years before the factory shut down and moved to Mexico.
And that wraps up my look at the first disc of Hulk Still Rules. This is where I would normally give my overall opinion of a product, but, hey, there's a whole second disc left to go! Look for my overall comments there. I can see you shiver with antici . . .
