Truth B Told 7.27.06: Copyright THIS!!
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 07.27.2006
Some days I think, maybe I could do something to make the wrestling world JUST a little more retarded. Oh wait, I already do, and you're reading it.
So I've been thinking…Smackdown is fucked. Yep…right fucked. Right now their roster is skinnier than Torrie Wilson on the Atkin's diet…in Somalia. So far they've lost The Great Khali, Mark Henry, Bobby Lashley, Super Crazy, Kid Kash, and Matt Hardy. Not to mention the fact that Randy Orton was recently moved to RAW, The Boogeyman, Benoit, and JBL are all still injured. Yikes. Smackdown needs some reinforcements. In fact, come to think of it, doesn't everyone? ECW is running out of gimmicky jobbers for Sandman to smack around, and the OG's are being jobbed out to every new debuting WWE reject they can find. TNA is actually doing ok, as is RAW, but how long till more injuries or possible defections take place? Even RoH must find ways to keep their roster fresh as they keep losing guys to the other big two companies. So what's the answer??
Well TBT is taking a week off from it's usual smarky goodness to give you something… positive. Yeah, don't go tellin' JT or JP or Meehan, you know how territorial those guys get. Especially about their porn. I keep telling them, if I wanted to see a midget clown gang bang I'd just join that group on myspace. You know the one….'Midget Clown Gang Bang", I'm fairly sure Cook has it on his top 8. Along with Tom….and no one else. Well we're calling in the reinforcement and trying to help Smackdown, WWECW, and anyone else who might need a fresh new gimmick to freshen up their ranks. Yep, this week, we Fabreeze wrestling…TBT style.
Greatest Gimmicks Never Seen
Ex-Con: You know what has been missing from Rob Conway's gimmick? Something that doesn't smack of Ravishing Buff Rudewell? Perhaps. But I'm thinking that Robby could capitalize on the success of such prison shows as "Oz" and "Prison Break" to debut a new gimmick, Rob the Ex-Con Man. Rob would be a rough Ex-con adjusting to life on the outside as he is seen making toilet bowl moonshine, trying to pay off his opponents with cartons of cigarettes, and spurning the curvy Divas for the slightly less bodacious curves of the cruiserweights. Nothing says "Main Event" like a little implied anal rape.
Legal Tender: So I've been watching a lot of porn. That's all. I'm not going anywhere with this. I'm just saying. But anyways I've come to realize how popular these "Barely Legal" and "College Girls Gone Wild" DVD's are and I got to spanking… I mean thinking that maybe the WWE could capitalize on this. Enter the two newest Divas Penny and Kimmy Kash (Kid Kash's sister) who are high school drop outs and just happen to be celebrating their 18th birthdays on WWE TV. These young and supple lasses are here to show the rest of the divas that age ain't nothing but a number. Unless that age is under 18…then that number is 5 to 10.
Pro-Zack and Roy Drage: Wellness schmellness. It's time to see this fiery and mellow tag team tearing up Smackdown. They are kicking ass and…crying in the corner rolled up in the fetal position. Zack and Roy have a fever and there is only one cure!! No, not more cowbell. The Tag Team Titles.
Tom: Matt Hardy hasn't been the same since he lost Jeff and its clear he needs a tag partner, perhaps even a mentor, someone to look up to and worship. Enter….TOM. The "Emo Messiah" will show Matt the true way to success and if he's lucky….the way to his Top 8. Oh LOL. The ring might have been the Undertaker's "Yard" but someone better put him on notice that Tom will make it "Myspace".
The Animal....BARISTA: This metro monster is slamming his foes and serving up Joe. Don't let his green apron and pink polo shirt fool you. Barista is one venti order of chaos. This guy slings a mean cafe' Mocha, but is one cool customer. But don't get this guy steamed because he's fashionable, relentless, and over caffinated.
TNA Problem solver: it wasn't the gimmick that failed, it was the wrestler. Bringing this back to life in TNA with the proper wrestler could resurrect this gimmick and turn a certain young Canadian into a star. Yep, you guessed it… A1. If you need back up, there is only one man to call. "Got Beef??", get A1.
Wholesale Dragon: Hailing from Chikara this is Retail Dragon's evil half brother. The son of a Costco employee is a force to be reckoned with. Mess with him and you'll pay the price, just not the suggested retail price. Wholesale Dragon won't hesitate to open a super-sized can of Whoop Ass on you...in BULK.
Jewmaga: The Kosher Bulldozer is cutting through the competition like a hot knife through Gefilte Fish. Along with his manager: Abraham Isaaaaaaac….Gooooooldman. Fear the Hassidic Spike. Watch out, cuz' there's a trouble a (he)brewin'.
Fraternal Twins: I don't know that this has ever been done, but I'd love to see two guys who claim to be twins and look absolutely nothing alike… I mean even less alike than the Bashams did in real life…and put them in tag matches where they constantly try to pull the Basham's gimmick of switching places, but so clearly don't look alike that the ref can't even bring himself to count the 1, 2, 3. I'm talkin' like Billy Kidman and Mark Jindrak. Just two guys who are clearly nothing alike trying to get over on a simple Bait and Switch.
Alan Non: I think if Scott Hall ever wants a shot at redemption he should pick up this little gem as a gimmick. Alan Non is now sober, he's got his 60 day chip to prove it, Alan is a recovering alcoholic looking to win redemption in the WWECW, but not without hilarious results as he tries tag teaming with some of the biggest "extremists" known to man. Sure CM Punk is "straight edge" but no body is straight edgier than "The man with the plan, the man without a can, the jet blasting full throttle, the man who kicked the bottle, chain smokin', virgin pokin' son of a gun….Alan Non". That's right baby, it's All or Non.
Jim Jong Ill: Jimmy Yang needs to own his Korean roots and fast. So far he's been a Chinese Jung Dragon in WCW, and a wanna be Yakuza in the WWE, and rumor has it he worked a dark match in a Southern Confederate outfit. I think I may have found the PERFECT gimmick for him in ECW. Jim Jong Ill, the son of a North Korean dictator who just happens to want to be a…wait for it….wait for it…RAPPER!! It's perfect, I mean, look how much Cena got over and that boy has about as much street cred as Paris Hilton. Street Cred…not street walking cred. Just give it some thought, because when Jim Jong Ill is racking up wins with his high flying finisher the "License to Ill" you will definitely know who just…got…served!! A 20 year prison sentence without a trial that is.
Mr. RoHbot-o: Domo arigato for this little jewel of a gimmick that has YET to be snapped up by some enterprising young RoH student hoping to make a name for himself. I believe some of you may be familiar with Mokujin Ken? The wooden wrestling warrior…well meet Mr. RoHbot-o who will defend his beloved RoH to the death. Or rather, till he runs out of batteries. Which happens to be a problem quite often during his matches. Its takes two things that RoH fans love (RoH self love and anything Japanese) and melds them into one big hunk of Dark Matchery Goodness.
The Dynamite KID…Toucher: Oh wait… did Rob Feinstein already copyright this?
The Truth
Yo, this week's column was just straight retarded. Eh, sue me, I've been busy this week with some personal stuff. No, it's not what you think, I'm still taking antibiotics and using that cream and in *looks at tube* 1 to 2 weeks everything should be hunky dory. But I digress, "persona stuff", let's just leave it at that. I think the whole point of this week's column is that there is nothing so ridiculous that the IWC can't come up with something more so. It just goes to show you that no matter how badly you think Vince has fucked up one of your favorite wrestlers …or Test…there is always a much worse gimmick out there for the taking. Anyone else wanna take a whack?
Coming Up Short
Big Show is on a ROLL lately. I mean, he's just taking it to the rest of the ECW roster as he defends the belt against any ECW "extremist" who…oh wait a second that's right…he's wrestling every WWE big man and veteran that they can throw at him. for the love of GOD if they don't push CM Punk to the moon upon his debut then something is wrong. Right now it's clear that Vince has no confidence in any of the ECW loyalists on the roster. Clearly Sabu is just a lamb to the slaughter and who knows how RVD is going to be used upon his return. Sandman and Dreamer are about to be fodder for TestKnox and the fact that Vince is actually giving a guy named "Balls" a push is a serious indictment on his better judgment…and his love of "Balls". Right now ECW needs to figure out if they have at least another title contender or two on the roster because if they don't I will not be tuning in next Tuesday night as Big Show takes on Eugene. I think my Tuesday night TV schedule might just be coming up short.
6 Degrees of…
Dan McGinnis leaves us with a rather questionable choice this week. Oddly enough he foretold his own success by e-mailing me last Weds. Why that cocky sonuvabitch…
im going to be away for awhile but in case I win, I want Michael
Richards AKA Cosmo Kramer
Wow, so where does one go from here? I guess there are some mighty loose threads to tie to someone in the wrestling world. But I'll go with the cowards way out and link Michael Richards aka Kramer to another manic man with the same Surname.
So Kramer had Newman and Stevie had Ivory…and Jazz….and Victoria. Trust me, in a street fight…Newman is toast. Well get to work people. and for God's sake, put some sass into these entries.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
No feedback this week, which must mean I'm doing a bang up job and no complaints. Sweeeeet. In the absence of facts I always rely on delusions.
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
Honorable Mention
Bmcleod had a decent little entry, if a bit vague.
Okay, Lo Pan was actually James Hong, in "Big Trouble in Little China"
So, let's go from there.
1)Lo Pan (James Hong) with Michael Madsen (True Crime: Streets of LA)
2)Michael Madsen with Uma Thurman (Kill Bill)
3)Uma Thurman with Arnold Schwarzenegger (Batman and Robin)
4)Arnie's stunt double was Peter Kent
5)Peter Kent to Hulk Hogan (Mr. Nanny)
6)Hogan feuded with the Warlord
I could have done it in less than 6. Make it hard for me!
Trust me bucko, 6 degrees is going to start getting a little more challenging starting next week. I'm going to start using more midgets and Villanos. But only the prime number Villanos.
#3 Mark Satrang is back yet again. but managed to miss out on a PRIME opportunity to link Jake Roberts to a plane. Huh…? Sorry for the late entry this week. Here goes...
James Hong, who played Lo Pan, also played "Black Dragon Warlord" in a 1992 episode of "Raven," a series starring Lee Majors...Lee Majors played Col. Steve Austin in the "Six Million Dollar Man"..."Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase managed "The Ringmaster" Steve Austin in 1996...Steve Austin beat Jake "the Snake" Roberts to win the 1996 King of the Ring and kick off the Austin 3:16 era...Jake "the Snake" Roberts had a fued with Andre the Giant in 1989, culminating in a match at WrestleMania V...Andre the Giant eliminated Warlord from the 1990 Royal Rumble match...
I tell ya it really says something about the economy these days when 20 years ago $6 million would get you Lee Majors the Bionic man. Now a days, you get Vin Baker and some change.
#2.
William Darby 1st time 6Der, and a fine first try at that.
Lo Pan to The Warlord? That's not exactly easy for my first time, but that doesn't matter.
1. Lo Pan (James Hong) played the voice of "Professor Chang" in the Teen Titans cartoon, in the episode named "X".
2. Ron Pearlman is the voice of "Slade" in the Teen Titans cartoon.
3. Ron Pearlman was in Blade 2 with Wesley Snipes.
4. Wesley Snipes co-starred in Blade Trinity with our ever-so-incomparable Triple H.
5. Triple H was squashed all nice and neat by everyone's favorite psychopath, The Ultimate Warrior.
6. Survivor Series, 1990. Warlord, Paul Roma, Ted Dibiase, Rick Martel, and Hercules all lost to Ultimate Warrior, Hogan, and Tito Santana.
I'm actually convinced that Ron Pearlman is one of the 5 people you meet in heaven. Why wouldn't he be? You can't watch a movie on cable TV without him showing up. I'm fairly sure he was actually in "Mean Girls" too. Or Andy Clark tells me.
#1.
Greg Pryor took a chance and it paid off big…he also tells us that pizza can kill, well, almost.
As always all answers have been heavily researched...I'd like to see how many people
use the pizza truck incident as a degree....I did want to put a degree in involving carrying a wand around but ya know time n all!!
James Hong provided a voice for the game True Crime Streets of LA
Also providing a voice was actor Christopher Walken
Christopher Walken starred alongside Dennis Hopper in True Romance
Dennis Hopper starred in knockaround guys alongside Vin Diesel
Vin Diesel starred in the fast and the furious directed by Rob Cohen
Rob Cohen had a cameo as a pizza truck driver
A pizza truck driver hit a wrestler in a crash in 1996 forcing him to "retire" the wrestler…the warlord.
Little known fact, that pizza truck was actually driven by Koko B Ware. No, it wasn't as part of an angle…hey, Koko gotta make a buck too.
Left Overs…
Its taken me this long but has anyone ever realized that "Eugene" is really a pot shot at all of us wrestling fans? I mean the guy is a hardcore wrestling fan who imitates all of his favorite old wrestler's moves. My God, all he has to do is have a vignette back stage sending Shannon Moore a friend request and the jig is up!!
Big Show and ‘Taker Punjabi in a Punjabi prison match is like having Lita participate in a Bra and Panty match.
Lashley/Khali/Henry/Super Crazy/Kid Kash…and now Matt Hardy?? Someone needs to get Scott Hall on the phone, no chance they'd find something in his liver. Actually, no chance they'd even find a liver.
Finlay to become a face and feud with William Regal? You know, come to think of it, that makes sense. I may not know my history but I know my U2 songs and I think this whole Irish/British war may have something to it.
Great, Victoria hurt on heat against Torrie Wilson. Leaving us with 2 whole real female wrestlers on the roster. Of course if the RAW writers wanted us to take the women's division legit they probably wouldn't have required Mickie James to have to resort to cheating to beat that useless ‘nut rag' Candice Michelle. Funny, Mickie had to pull Candice's shorts up to pin here, where as every other wrestler back stage usually pulls them down before they pin her.
Shannon Moore will be known as "The Reject" in ECW…and that's a SHOOT brother!!
Eric Young/ Papparazzi productions. Okay, tell me again how the X-Division was lacking any kind of personality? I just ran across this little gem today on youtube. Apparently there is a director's cut of last week's
Nash/PP vignette. I'm telling you right now, if Big Sexy could only find a way to lower gas prices, it might be Nash/Shelley in 2008.
My favorite Spam of the month e-mail title: Pokemon in hardcore action job.
My goodness. Something tells me this is where "Squirttle" really shines.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Now be a good Christian and turn that other cheek…
Billy Kidman under a mask? Hmm, perhaps a luchador gimmick? Billano III? Silver Kidman? El Jobby?
Gen Next's last match is vs Davey Richards, Jerrelle Clark, David/Jack Crist. What makes me think that Gen Next may decide to go ahead and do the job to help build up the next generation of stars? The power of Crist compels thee, the power of Crist compels theee.
Newborn Aurora Rose Levesque has a mighty legacy ahead of her. One has to wonder how long until HHH tries to convince his daughter to start making passes at Dixie Carter's son.
In an interview Paul Heyman said he's a big fan of Dragon's Gate and is looking for more cruiserweights from all over the world to sign with ECW. Sweeeeet. I always wondered what CIMA would look like dressed like a samurai vampire.
How the hell did Fertig the Vampire manage to beat Little Guido?? I mean, that guy's part of the FBI right? He should have been REEKING of garlic.
Test and Mike Knox, the unstoppable unit that is taking over ECW. Watch them as they debut next week against Tommy Dreamer and Sandman as…"The Wellness Plan". Seriously…who would be more unstoppable in the WWE than them?
Unrelated topic of the week: The Miss Universe Contest.
Who the hell forget to tell me about this shit? I mean, the Runner-up was an Asian Bitch who was lookin' good:
Not to mention the rest of the Southeast Asian Contingent
Now if I can only get Ashish to pony up some money for the "Quarter of a Hundred Dollars, TBT Hot Asian Bitch Diva Search".
Maria will really for reals really real be back next week. Although, does anyone find it odd that she didn't have an interview this week on RAW after she was absent from TBT? Creepy isn't it? Now let's just see if we happen upon a Hip Hop Jimmy Yang next week. *Editor's Note: There was a standard Cena interview after all, I believe I was droppin' a deuce during it however so I must have missed it. I haven't liked that guy ever since they let Cena slobber all over Maria before their tag team bout together... like men needed another reason to hate Cena... alright, carry on*
Pimpin' In High Places
So um… yeah, I guess man can't live on TBT alone so here something else to pass the time with. Instead of porn. For once.:
F or F features two guys…that aren't me. oh well, give it a read anyways as it features literary giant Stephen Randle and real life giant Matt Sforcina. Seriously, Sforcina is the only guy at 411 cleared to use a chokeslam as a finisher. Which beats Byer's thumb to the eye and school boy.
Speaking of Byers, that son of a Bischoff tried scooping me on my own home turf. He breaks down PWG's Battle of LA's match ups. I however, will give you a more in depth look at the tournament next month as I get down to the nitty griffy and give you my picks. I think in order to get back at that claim jumper I ought to start directing you to the cheapest wrestling DVD's I can. Which usually involves your friend faking a heart attack at a swap meet and you making out with bootleg copies of "Lockdown".
Clarke answers stuff. Funny, I don't remember asking anything. That's mighty presumptuous of you Clarke.
Gamble. I love how its not just a name, it's also an addiction.
Jules is missing out considering he doesn't have JBL or Randy Orton anywhere on his list. Wait…oooooh. SKITS. I get it…funny how a "K" looks an awful lot like an "H".
O'Dog remembers a match features some of the greatest American "Juniors" of our time….and X-Pac too.
Andy Clark. Look, if he's not gonna be funny in his column, why should I be in his link?
Huey, Duey, and Louie talk about lots of stuff. Mostly wrestling, but you never know cuz' that one time you don't read them and one of them confesses their secret crush on another one…you're gonna wish you'd have watched it.
The Colon of Honor has a lot RoH shit. Ari was kind enough to remind me that Dragon beat James Gibson for the belt and not CM Punk. If I'm ever in New York I ought to hit him up to thank him. I mean, how hard could it be to find a Jewish guy in NY?
Yo, I got no clue what next week's column is going to be about. Something tells me that I've been ignoring TNA and RoH a bit. Then again, maybe I'll just post an ass load of hot Asian bitches and save myself a couple hours of writing. Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't you. Bastards. For that I'm naming my Top 10 Jeff Hardy promos of all time. Hey, you brought it on yourselves.
