Double M’s Rasslin’ Report 07.29.06

Posted by Michael Melchor on 07.29.2006

Rasslers are dropping like flies and a Fortunate Son gets slighted.

And self-control is something I've learned, but don't think I won't do it. Don't you EVER forget. Hey there and welcome back to the weekend. I'm glad to be back, because I could use the break. Yeah, you read right – between computer issues, seeing a legal case damn near turn into an episode of the "X Files", and confirming that I'll be making 411History in about a month or so, it's been some fascinating times.

Anyway, enough of the vague clues and hints of shit I can't even talk about. Let's get to the business at hand.


Okay, This Is Boring – What Else Is There To Read?

The Alex Shelly to my Kevin Nash squares off against Fezzik in the latest Fact or Fiction.

My Favorite Writer™ borrows a photoshop from one of my favorite sites. Love that combo there.

In all honesty, this sucks. It's rare that I venture over to the Movies and TV Zone – not because our crew there is horrible or anything. Rather the contrary; the talent is there, it's just that I simply have so little interest in either one (ditto with our Sports Zone, but that's neither here nor there).

However, I would go to the Movies/TV Zone every Thursday, without fail, to read one of the few guys who could make me enjoy an article about something I had very little interest in – Cris Murphy. And what's he do? The sumbitch goes and leaves~! Damn him!

In all honesty, Murphy is moving on to bigger and brighter challenges that involve – OMG – real life. Refreshing to see someone who can let go of this kooky Internet Writer gig and not look back. The man already had my respect for being a hell of a writer; now he has it for knowing when to bow out and take care of his own.

Although, come on, I know damned well I'm not the only one that'll miss the Babe Photo News Brief.


It Ain't 1998, But It's All We Got

Apparently, there's a rumor that TNA may take advantage of the Raw's pre-emption on USA due to some Tennis thing they do every year by putting on a prime-time special or two in Raw's slot (albeit on Spite TV) when Raw normally airs. That'd be cool and all, but I remember this same rumor rearing its head during the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show – and both Spite TV and TNA didn't do a damned thing with it. They seem to be rather good at missing opportunities lately (see: Joe, Samoa). I'd actually be surprised if they took this chance to really show the alternative they have to offer.


The Rest Of The News That's Fit To Post

It figures that all the good stuff happens once my report is in the can and posted. Some of this is way late, but what the hell else happened, right?

Man, SmackDown has taken a shitkicking lately. If I actually watched the show, I'm sure I would notice, but it's got all the kids talking. Off the roster (temporarily, at least) are:

– Bobby Lashley, high liver count. Possibly due to Hepatitis C or supplement/steroid use. Taking a good look at Ahmed Johnson 2000, I'm hedging my votes on option "B".
Although – breaking news flash~! – now he's been cleared to return. Good for him, but I still wouldn't be surprised a bit if he gets tested again reeaaall soon.
– The Great Khali, high liver count – although not as bad as the other guys. He may be back on the roster real soon, which would have put him out just long enough to confuse the shit out of the general PPV-buying public that may have been wondering why he wasn't in the Poonanny Prison Match.
– Super Crazy, same as the above two. Steroids? HIM?! I'd bet on the Hepatitis C angle there.
– Kid Kash, unspecified blood-test issues. Although it doesn't help that he's been running his mouth about how he's been used. Fucking moron. You'd figure doing that in TNA and being released – let alone WWE – would have taught him a lesson, but nnoooo. This guy still thinks he's a lot better than he actually is. Rube. See you on the Indies.
– Matt Hardy, dormant traces of an old staph infection in blood test. A few weeks of antibiotics and he should be good to go, putting a whole new spin on the term "Wellness Policy". This is how it should be.
– Tatanka, unspecified "Wellness Program" issues. As of press time, there was no details on why. They didn't have time to tell us, didn't care, didn't ask.

And there you have it – six guys down and one back in one week. As if I had no reason to watch SmackDown already.

Kinda odd how no one from Raw has been sidelined with any of this. Sorry, just thinking out loud. Although, while I'm at it, anyone for doing away with the Brand Extension yet? At least one roster would be spared having to carry a show that seems plagued by all sorts of bad luck and lack of attention, either by the viewing audience or the company's upper management. And besides, you have to admit that a unified WWE hating on ECW would make more sense than two "competing brands" doing the same...

It fucking figures that one of the last Divas left that can actually wrestle had to go and injure her knee. Is God just aiding and abetting Vince in torturing his audience with chicks in useless, boring pseudo-titillating Diva Search crap or what?

In legal news (aside from mine), the Warriah succeeded in having his Breach of Contract suit moved out of the Federal jurisdiction and into Arizona State Court, where he thinks he has some sort of weird "home field advantage". Whether this is due to the continuing delusion that he's still back in Toronto participating in the "Ultimate Challenge" or a strong dose of peyote handed to him by the Native American tribes that still inhabit the state is still unclear.

And finally, Aurora Rose Levesque was born this past Monday. I'll spare the "OMGDemonSeedEndOfTheWorldLOLDamien2006~!!" jokes and, instead, ask an obvious but overlooked question.

First, it helps to view the press release from WWE:

WWE Superstars Triple H(R) & Stephanie McMahon Birth Announcement

STAMFORD, Conn.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--July 25, 2006--Weighing in at 8 lbs. and 7 oz., baby Aurora Rose Levesque was welcomed into the ring on Monday evening July 24, 2006 in Greenwich, Ct. by proud parents WWE Superstars Triple H® and Stephanie McMahon.

On screen, this couple, a force to be reckoned with, called it quits with a bitter divorce after two years of marriage. Off screen, they couldn't be happier and more excited to be the new parents to the future heir to the throne.

...

*raises hand*

Yes, Mr. Melchor?

Umm, excuse me, but doesn't Shane McMahon already have two kids? And don't they at least carry the "McMahon" name?

Not only that, but Steph's kid is born during – AND ANNOUNCED ON – the company's flagship show. No mention of Shane's kids have EVER been made. Okay, there was the one pose with Vince, Shane, and one of Shane's offspring during the opening of WrestleMania XX (go back and watch the DVD), but that's been IT. No hoopla, no celebration, certainly no press release...not a damned thing else.

I'm sorry, but if I were Shane in all this, I'd be feeling a little slighted. When's the last time Stephanie took a crazy bump? When's the last time she wrestled? She can head up all the creative teams she wants, but Shane, arguably, is heading up the new media division – one that has more potential company-wide than just coming up with the on-screen stories. Besides, we've seen how good those have been since she took over that job.

It's just a little fucked that a couple kids named "McMahon" sired by someone not as spoiled and favored have to take a backseat to a cousin with a different name who's poised to inherit it all because grandpa likes their auntie better than their dad.

Fuck Triple H – Aurora has the real stroke around that company.


Happy Trails

And that'll do it for another week. Wonder if the next seven days are going to be as busy as this one was.

In case it is, keep it here to keep it up with it all. You know you want to.

L8. Thanks again for reading.


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