Truth B Told 8.03.06: Day Trader
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 08.03.2006
My home team got Ben Broussand…maybe we can do a little better than that in this week’s column.
Alfonso Soriano went no where. Barry Zito and Dontrelle Willis are still pitching for their home teams. Even Scott Linebrink stayed put. What the hell is going on in baseball? Sure we had a few deals, Greg Maddux went from the lowly cubs to the lowly Dodgers (HA take that stupid Dodger fans), Carlos Lee found himself deep in the heart of Texas, and surrounded by some of the worst pitching this side of the Seattle Mariners (HA take that stupid…wait a second…*sob*). As a fan of baseball I was disappointed, but as a wrestling fan I wasn't the least surprised. I mean where was the WWE Draft Lottery this year? No where, that's where. But you know, just because all those rumored deals didn't happen in baseball, doesn't mean that the IWC can't have a little fictitious fun of our own.
This week on TBT I'm going to talk about some "Trades" throughout the industry that I think could be made. While "The Industry" is really just two companies (TNA and the "e") lets just imagine that each "Brand" is autonomous. Sorry Ari, no RoH this week. RoH has their own transactional deals going, basically picking up minor league talent and relative unknowns hoping to make a name for themselves and cast off from the bigger companies hoping to put the stigma of being the bald Italian dude in the dress and thong behind them. But enough about Steve Corino. Hey YO!! Take a look at a few of the trades that your buddy B thinks could happen in a perfect world. A world where naked Divas run free and every match has a clean finish.
TNA
Trades: Matt Bentley, Frankie Kazarian, Elix Skipper, A-1
Smackdown
Trades: Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Jamie Noble, Matt Hardy
Why TNA Would Do this
Bentley and Kazarian have both fallen out of favor with TNA management recently and while they are a very serviceable tag team, they aren't as ground and pound intimidating as other teams and not as high risk as the other X-Division tag teams. The only thing that used to stand out for them was taken away by the Phenomenal Angels when they got their own Tranny to valet. Elix Skipper should have been a STAR after almost killing himself on that top of the cage-rana, but alas his lack of mic skills and sometimes painfully slow moveset hasn't translated into success and being a "Diamond in the Rough" is about as noteworthy as being the first guy to catch Traci Brooks peeing standing up. A-1 isn't the sizzle and definitely ain't the steak. A bland big man, he seems perfect for the WWE as McMahonagement has a boner for big hoss's. Worse comes to worse they could tag him with Vito as a cross dressing duo. "Hey buddy, how about letting me rub some A-1 all over that hunk of meat?".
Why Smackdown Would Do this
Too bad Smackdown doesn't have a real tag division now. Trading The Hooligans for Sha-zarian would better fit their more mat based offense plus Bentley has some "ties" with another "Show Stopper" on the "A" show. Jamie Noble may find himself alone now that Kid Kash has been taken off the road and trading him for Elix would be rather negligible for the "E" because while Gibson wouldn't live up to his potential on SD, Elix may well be at his plateau. Plus, can't have enough black dudes on SD. You just KNOW at some point the Nation of Domination is making a comeback. *Side note: is it just me of was it PAINFULLY obvious that ‘Panthro' from the Thundercats was supposed to be black. I mean, the due talked jive and was voiced by Cliff Huxtable's dad. Plus…c'mon…Black…Panthro….Black Panthro. Damn… just sayin', been looking for a place to type that, ok, carry on*
If nothing else they could try to pull a Black Basham's thing with him and Elijah Burke. Man, has anyone ever tried to pull the twin thing with Black guys? Or do you think people would say it was racist and profiling since all black dudes look alike? At this point Matt Hardy is fodder, they missed the boat on drawing any kind of real money with him and now he's been taken off the road for "personal reasons". Time to go ahead and cut bait. TNA would not be able to use Matt Hardy's prior heat but they could use him to bring back Jeff into the fold. A Hardy Boyz vs AMW or Team 3D feud would probably draw. Also if done properly a Hardyz vs PhenomAngels match would probably be pretty damn good. Eventually the Hardyz could split after Jeff goes Heel and knocks out Matt Hardy with a chair and shout, "You're off my Top 8, BITCH!!".
Smackdown
Gets: Johnny/Mikey/Mitch
ECW
Gets: Joey Mercury, Kid Kash
RAW
Gets: Doug and Danny Basham
Why this Trade makes sense
With the Spirit Squad set to split, you have to move someone right? Johnny and Mikey seem to have some of the most personality of the Squad and also are decent in the ring. Mitch seems to be a better mouth piece for the group. All three guys could get over as a goofy face tag team if given a chance and a change of gimmick that wouldn't be as retarded as male cheerleaders. WWE still owns the "3 Count" gimmick right? The Bashams were service able and would give Kenny and Nicky something to do for a while as well as feud with the Highlanders. Maybe keep the "security" gimmick they used on ECW and become HS or "Homeland Security". Think of all the great backstage skits as they constantly frisk and harass Umaga, AAE, and Carlito. ECW is going to be a land for misfits, might as well make it feel more authentic by putting the nut cases and druggies on the show. Kash and Mercury wouldn't actually be a bad team either.
TNA
Trades: Lance Hoyt, Simon Diamond, David Young
TO
ECW
For: CM Punk
WTF Indeed… I mean, Trade Analysis
To be honest, CM Punk should have been in TNA all along. He'll never be able to go all out like the CM Punk of RoH lore. Sorry to break it to you kids. He still has a possible feud or partnership in Raven in TNA and would get much better competition working with guys he's familiar with. A Shelley/Punk pairing would be good once the Nash angle (sadly) will have to come to an end. Plus, who in ECW would really make a good opponent for him? Match wise that is. Plus…DX hates him so…u know. While it would seem that ECW was getting a load of rejects for one potential star. Kind of like the Shaq trade of a few years ago, ECW needs reinforcements. They need some bodies and they need some talent who can work in the ring and talk on the mic. Knox is not the answer. Unless the question is: What wrestler makes baby Jesus cry when he's in the ring? Now, Test and Test 2.0 in the ring together with Kelly Kelly would make sense. They could be Test Test and Kelly Kelly. Brilliant!! David Young kinda looks like CW Anderson. So…u know, tag them or something. Simon Diamond is an old ECW hand and bringing him back with Johnny Swinger would give them another tag team, he's also a decent guy on the mic as well. Which no one else in ECW is. I haven't seen worse mic skills in one place since the Tourette Syndrome Association hosted their annual spelling bee. "Suzy, your word is ‘Pheromone' ". "Pheramone….P…H…fuck shit….E…R…faggot shit bag fuck…..O…Woof Woof…your ass smells like finger….M…".
RAW
Trades: Mickie James, Victoria, Rights to Dudley Boyz Name
TO
TNA
James Gang (New Age Outlaws), and the plate of Mahi Mahi to replace what The Truth stole in Orlando.
The Hell are you talking about B??
Trading two useless bitches for two useful ones? Sounds like a good deal for TNA. Plus, Mickie James looks better in pigtails and a mid drift than Kip James does. But not if you ask Pat Patterson. The James Gang is over. I don't mean "Over" as in popular, I mean "Over" as in it still being cool to wear your polo collar up. They are heels and they don't even realize it. They've officially lost the Impact Zone crowd. "Nobody Moves, Nobody gives a flying fuck". Its time to send them back to McMahonland where they'll back up Triple H once HBK goes off into semi-retirement. Plus they'll be able to pull all their own pranks again without pulling any born again punches. Plus… my guess is that Mahi Mahi wasn't cheap. Maybe TNA should throw in some of Traci's cookies too. But not her strudel. The Dudleyz could use their name, no sense in WWE keeping it. It would more than even out the Mahi Mahi. Victoria is hurt and its clear she's a thread away from her release anyways. Mickie James just seems plain unstable. But hot damn, me likes that thickity thick rump. I just wonder she could looks so different from those nude pics circulating around….or so I heard. What? JT had them and I just looked at…nevermind. With Mickie James, Victoria, Gail, Sirelda Warrior Tranny, Christy Hemme, and Traci Brooks you actually have a women's division to rival the "e's". Sad isn't it? with a new Diva or two coming on board, someone was bound to get cut so for WWE its no big deal. I just hope that fishy smell is coming from the Mahi Mahi and not the Mickie Mickie. Cross your legs bitch.
RAW
Trades: Chris Masters
TO
Smackdown
For: Gunner Scott, Jillian Hall
A trade that's like the sound of one hand clapping
This is pretty simple. RAW could use another Diva who could wrestle. Jillian Hall would take Mickie's place or and the newest Diva would take Victoria's. Gunner Scott would form a good technical tag team with Chuck Nor-Haas. Basically an all steak no sizzle type team. Man, keep those guys away from A-1. They could call themselves the "Delta Force" and fight the Highlanders for the titles in a Beard vs Beard match. I haven't seen one of those since Justin Timberlake took on Tom Cruise. What? You really think the Justin/Britney break up was over a choreographer? The Masterpiece should be getting back for his treatment for naturally high levels of testosterone soon and he could use a fresh start. The Carlito/Nitro/Shelton feud has potential as all three guys are quick and athletic. Masters is…uh…not. Maybe it's time to go about that Lashley/Masters feud over on SD or let the Animal go over the supposed 23 year old ‘work of art'. Funny, but at 23 the guy is thinner up top than a topless 12 year old girl. One thing is for sure, the man needs a change of scenery and he needs it fast. I just hope he doesn't catch that "liver thing" that is going around.
RAW
Gets: Cassidy Riley
AND
TNA
Gets: Snitsky
Why I'm not on crack…yet
So Cassidy Riley is pretty damn useless in TNA, however he could fit in as an odd third member with Cade/Murdoch. he's a serviceable jobber and I'm sure him and the STFU would go great together. Because just like no one buys that move as legit, no one buys Riley as legit either. Plus, its clear he's one guy who won't be affected by the "wellness program". Snitsky is in limbo. Clearly he's a great comedy face/heel/tweener. I'm fairly sure the wellness will get to him at some point so why not get some value while you can. Or…Cassidy Riley. Sometimes tells me that he might be the perfect guy to team with another charismatic loner known as "Showtime". I could just imagine the crazy mad cap adventures of Snitsky and Eric Young. They'd be a formidable team although Young might have to carry them in the ring. Clearly Young could ride on Snitsky's back…he'd get pus and Clearasil all over him back there.
The Truth
If only wrestling was more like the real world. Moving assets from here to there, trying to improve your team. This could be a real win-win situation in wrestling. I'm not sure how the "salary cap" or the "veteran's trade veto" would play out in this scenario, but it's fun to just kinda fantasy book and for the most part it's harmless. Unless you're Rossi and Clarke…those poor guys were torn apart by the fantasy booking community. R.I.P. "Fink's Payload". Somewhere out there Chris Clarke is kneeling in the rain holding Rossi's dead body, lifting one fist to the heavens and yelling, "VINCE!!!!!!" Or not. Well like I said before, fantasy booking is fun, and we all know that there are more than a few square pegs in the "E" trying to fit into round holes and visa versa in TNA. Sometimes it takes just a bit of ingenuity and some shrewd bargaining to get the deal done. Hear that Mariners?? Ben Broussard my fabulously sculpted ass!!
Coming Up Short
Wait, so let me get this straight. Paul Heyman is being the "Good Company Man" by making the unpopular decisions he feels he has to make in order to keep ECW alive and the rest of the roster is calling him a sell out. ECW brings in The Big Show, Test, and Debuts CM Punk and Mike Knox. More than likely Punk will be a heel and we'll ended up with all the heels ruling ECW. What about Angle? What about him. I'm not even sure what side of the fence he's on. Is he supposed to be one of Heyman's Generals or is he going to be a dissenting face? How could he call Heyman a sell out when he's never been an original ECW guy? But if he's a heel, then it means that basically every WWE and OVW guy coming out is a heel and that's way too lopsided. Its seems a shame right now not to give Angle at least some kind of personality or peak into his reasoning for sticking around ECW. Being "extreme" and wanting a "challenge" is one thing, but so far it's just not good enough for me. The writers need to decide which side of the fence Angle is going to be on, because right now, it looks like he may be one of the only credible guys on the roster who could stand up to the Big Show, and if not, well then don't book a guy as an attraction if all he's going to do is headbutt people and make the Brooklyn Brawler tap out. Unless they decide how to use Kurt Angle better in ECW, they will still end up coming up short.
6 Degrees of…
Since it looks like Greg Pryor wanted nothing to do with 6 degrees this week and he did win last week, I got left to my own devices. So this week I went international. I remember someone telling me that had I opened up 6 degrees a bit more to the international crowd that more of my British readership would participate. Well here ya go Gents. This week we have RoH Pure Wrestling Champ Nigel McGuiness. Pretty damn English I would think. While this limey bastard is linked to someone who should have had maybe a Pint or two less. The anti-semetic man who brought you "The Passion of Christ" and "Air America"….
Mel Gibson. So good luck this week as the New Yorker, turned Kiwi, turned Californian tries to navigate this PR minefield, so will you have to navigate from Mel to Nigel in 6 degrees. Oh and if you don't win…don't blame the Jews. Well…go ahead and blame Ari.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Zack Macomber enjoyed last week's column. And why wouldn't he?
This week's column was hilarious. Simple as that. You had me laughing out loud with Jewmaga and El Jobby. Thanks for making me laugh.
Shit, now there are expectations for me to be funny every week. Well sorry to disappoint you this week Tenacious Z, but I had to kinda phone in this week's column seeing as how I've got vacation to prepare for, a ton of work, and *fingers crossed* potential new opportunities on the horizon. None of which, sadly, involve my foray into the porn industry. So you'll just have to wait for the debut of the finest foot fetish film in years, "Truth B Toed".
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
B-
Short on time again this week. Here's an entry I thought of just off the top of my head.
Michael Richards to Steven Richards
Michael Richards was in "Trial by Jury" with Jeff Daniels...
Daniels kicked about seven different types of ass in his portrayal of Harry Dunn in "Dumb & Dumber" alongside Jim Carrey...
Carrey was the man Andy Kaufman in "Man on the Moon," and rumored to get into a legit fight on the set with co-star Jerry "the King" Lawler...
Lawler and Terry Funk had many battles throughout their careers, most notably the first ever empty arena match, held in Memphis sometime in theearly '80s...
Funk beat Raven for the ECW Heavyweight Title at ECW's first PPV Barely Legal in April '97...
Raven used Stevie Richards as his flunkie for years...
Mark Satrang
6 Degrees Michael Richards to Stevie Richards
I could do this in less so I will do it in 6 and less than 6. First less than 6:
1. Michael RIchards was on Fridays in which he got into a fight with Andy Kaufman.
2. Andy Kaufman had the infamous angle with Jerry Lawler.
3. Lawler feuded with Stevie when Stevie was in the the Right To Censor.
Now in 6:
1. Michael RIchards was on Fridays in which he got into a fight with Andy Kaufman.
2. Andy Kaufman had the infamous angle with Jerry Lawler
3. Lawler feuded with Bret hart
4. Bret hart faced Undertaker at Summer Slam 97
5. Taker(with Kane) feuded with Kronic during the Invasion angle
6. Kronic was in the Alliance and teamed with Stevie.
from Dan S or Stonec2893
bmcleod
This week I'll try not to be so vague.
1)Christine Taylor, a guest star on Seinfeld, which starred Michael Richards, is married to Ben Stiller
2)Ben Stiller starred in Zoolander, with Will Ferrell
3)Will Ferrell was a regular on Saturday Night Live
4)Mick Foley did a guest spot on SNL, specifically Season 25, Episode 15, with HHH and Vince McMahon (Will Ferrell was also in that episode)
5)Mick Foley (as Cactus Jack) and Raven were defeated by Tommy Dreamer and
Terry Funk at ECW's November to Remember 1995
6) Tommy Dreamer beat Stevie Richards in ECW's HeatWave 1994
Once again, I could have done it in 3. Next time, I won't even use Saturday Night Live. Someone has to make it hard.
Honorable Mention
#3
Captain Amazo wants to save ECW. Don't worry Cap'n so long as they keep pulling in a 2.0 plus rating they're not going anywhere. Sure beats whatever they were pulling in from the show they replaced, "Buckaroo Bonzai, The Series".
Here's an idea to spice up ECW that I've helpfully named "License to Motherfucking Print Money, Motherfucker": First, bring back the Zombie. Then while he's our groaning along, Sandman comes out to beat the shit out of him. But then Sandman gets jumped by Test and Knox, and they destroy him. Then Paul Heyman comes out and tells us that the only way to save ECW was to add zombies. Test and Knox are now zombies, as is Kelly. To prove this, someone should tear her arm off or something, just to protect kayfabe. Anyway, long story short, they're takin' overrrrr, and each week, a new extremist is zombified. Just when all seems lost, however, Sandman makes his triumphant return with his new tag team partner: Ash, from housewares. The payoff would be the first ever Evil Dead Match, with the goal being to throw your opponent into a pit of amorous vines and branches.
And here's my half-assed six degrees entry:
1-On Seinfeld, Michael Richards picketed a bagel shop with a sign reading, "FESTIVUS YES, bagels no".
2-The late, great, Mitch Hedberg said, "I'm against picketing . . . but I don't know how to show it".
3-"Hedberg" is a possible contraction for the phrase, "head of iceberg lettuce".
4-In December 2005, Saturday Night Live ran a video honoring lettuce.
5- Saturday Night's Main Event was once so popular that it pre-empted SNL.
6- It's now so unpopular that it scored a mere 2.7.
7- Also having this rating at one point was The Real World: Paris, a fact I just learned by googling the phrase, "scored 2.7."
8- I then looked up "Google" on wikipedia, searching for a way to link it. I then gave up and looked up "The Superfriends".
9- The Superfriends were superheroes, just like Nova.
10- Nova was in the b.W.o with Stevie Richards.
Hail to the King BABY!! The only problem with this idea is that inevitably you're going to accidentally kill a few "zombies" especially because a mistimed lariat from Ash would end in decapitation. You know, cuz' his hand is now a chain saw and all. I'm thinkin' takin' Kelly Kelly's arm off would be no problem, considering that ECW has clearly decided that none of her appendages should be the focus of her character. However, take a nipple off and we got a problem. This entry was actually less than half assed…maybe like a 1/3 assed. Yeah, I'll give it 1/3 ass. However my GF was judging this week and she…like me, are big Mitch Hedberg fans. What can I say? I used to do a lot of drugs…I still do…but I also used to.
#2.
Travis Homewood lucked out this week and got a 2 spot boost from my lovely assistant. Originally I had him slated for an "Honorable Mention" spot, aka consolation prize and a box of Rice-A-Roni (The San Fransisco treat…other than anal sex with other men). But it looks like he got a reprieve.
Dude, when Rob Conway gets the ex-con gimmick he needs to get a decent win and as soon as he does hop up on the mike and yell out "I WON!!!! GROUP HUG IN THE SHOWER TONIGHT!!!!" to quote Rob Schneider. Now for 6 degrees.
Kramer was on Seinfeld with Jason Alexander.
Jason Alexander made a one time appearance on Star Trek Voyager. The Rock also made a 1 time appearance and both of their episodes involved Seven of Nine heavy plots. Side note. Damn Jeri Ryan looked HOT in that tight, oh so tight, uniform. *personal time break* ok back to subject at hand..........oops, unintended pun.
The Rock has held the tag team titles with Chris Jericho.
Jericho has wrestled against Raven.
Raven was in ECW and TNA at different points along with Sabu.
At SNME Sabu just beat the crap out of Steven Richards.
Seriously, tell me that there isn't at LEAST 12 months worth of Homosexual/Prison jokes to be made out of that gimmick? And you just KNOW that he'll have some kind of pumphandle move as his finisher…that he'll leave his opponent in just a little too long at the set up. The Raven/Sabu link could have been stronger same with Jericho/Raven, but you know, you got a point, 7 of 9 was an easy 9 out of 10 in that skin tight outfit. I know her character was supposed to be part Borg or android or something…I just hope that the "Fuse Box" wasn't rewired. I'd have get heavy voltage through that.
#1.
Daniel Wilcox takes the cake this week, and also points out a little Snafu on my part:
. Firstly, Maria interviewed John Cena on RAW so unfortunately McMahonagement doesn't use your column to book Maria (all the time)
My first attempt at 6 Degrees!
Michael Richards to Steven Richards
1) Michael Richards was slated to be the title character in the USA series Munk, but pulled out of the project. The role later went to Tony Shalhoub.
2) Shalhoub played the sleazy pawn shop owner in the Men In Black films that starred Will Smith
3) Smith is a big fan of, and season ticket holder of LA Lakers, who have had some of the best centres in the world, including Shaquille O' Neal.
4) When O' Neal wanted to leave the Lakers in 2004, The Dallas Mavericks and owner Mark Cuban were interested in trade, but the Lakers wanted Dirk Nowitzki in return, and the trade never happened.
5) At the 2003 Survivor Series, Mark Cuban was in a verbal debate with Eric Bischoff when he was attacked and RKO'ed by Randy Orton
6) Randy Orton came runner-up in an ECW vs. WWE Battle Royal on July 7th 2006. The Battle Royal also featured Steven Richards.
I realized my error after you pointed this out, I believe I was droppin' a deuce at the time so that explains why. I do want to point out that maybe the WWE does pay a little too much attention to TBT as you'll see in the left over section. You lucked out cuz' my girl likes "Monk" and "MIB" so clearly this was the deciding factor. This also means next week you take us on a journey called "6 degrees" the first leg is up to you the second leg is… I dunno…Ouija Board or something?
Left Overs…
Nothing makes up for losing star talent like replacing them with 7 dozen rookies. KC James, Aaron "The Idol" Stevens, Elijah Burke, Sylvester Turkay, and MVP all debut on Smackdown this week. Except Burke/Turkay who showed up last week. I guess they are both doing a kind of MMA type gimmick. But they're wearing Chris Sabin's old coat…which he kinda stole from CM Punk. Funny thing about Burke, he looks like the dude from the 7 up commercial. Especially back in OVW when he had that mini fro. If they don't capitalize on that somehow and have him come out in a green sweater vest next week. Well….they can just make 7- up Yours!!
The hell was up with RAW this week? Someone in the production truck is going to hang this week. Its like the entire production crew pulled a ….*checks wrist band* Miz this week.
Does anyone know where I can purchase a shirt that simply says, "I'm Robbie!!"
Was it just me or was Ric Flair channeling the spirit of Mel Gibson on RAW this week? I was just waiting for him to start saying, "Bruiser Brody…where are you Brody. Stan Hansen, is he calling you imaginary? And Bill Goldberg…you bastard motzah ball eating bastard…YOU are the reason why WCW folded…you penny pinching bagel and lox suckin'…."
Samoa Joe vs Monty Brown vs Rhyno looks intriguing. All big guys who can work a decent match. You know what I wanna see more than anything during that match? A head scissors take down. That's all. Just…I dunno…because. The funniest thing about the match is that it's a "Falls Count Anywhere" match. What they really mean is a "Falls Count Anywhere a Camera can show up" match. Cuz' if they did the finish say in the ladies room, how are they going to show it? Unless Cornette is one kinda son of a bitch…and I think he is.
The best thing about Shannon Moore being on that subway in NYC for his little video spot on ECW was that on any normal day he's not the freakiest looking guy there. however chances are they probably moved the guy who wears tin foil in the shape of a pirate hat so the government can't read his thoughts and keeps trying to bite his own face on another subway car. You know….so they won't spoil his debut on Sci Fi next week.
Persoanl reasons Hardy was taken off the road? I'm not sure what it is but something tells me it has to do with arguing over changing his music to "Dashboard Confessionals". I wonder if he ran out of the arena, slammed, the door and blogged all night about how Alex Greenfield doesn't understand him.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
You know, men are like dogs. We're attracted to shiny….round….objects. With nipples.
The "Notorious 187" Homicide is now sporting a 5150 shirt with LAX. Funny, but something tells me that there is a Sudoku puzzle just waiting to happen there.
Rey an Eddie whore? You knew it was just a matter of time before Chavo turned on Rey and he'd blame Rey for stealing all the spotlight after Eddie's death. It's gonna get real awkward on Smackdown if Chavo says he caught Rey wearing Eddie's old t-shirt and Rey says, "I just want to smell him one last time…is that so wrong??"
Okay, this hsit is fucked up. I've been saying Melina looks like Cha Cha DeGregorio for months now and then Foley comes in and steals that joke. Well I can fight fire with fire, I'm going to start stealing from HIM. Yep, flannel vest…name dropping… childrens books. You just prepare for a fight Mick because I'm going to take it to you…right here…on 411mania *Thumbs Up*
Kevin Thorne? Awesome name for a Vampire. "Beware for I am….KEVIN!!" Damn, that's like being afraid of a werewolf named, I dunno…Harvey? Maybe he should just go with the last name exclusively, makes for better backstage promos. "Hey, stay away from Thorne." "Why?". "Cuz' he's a prick".
Rene Dupree on ECW? Well apparently he had a dark match this week. Nothing says "Extreme" like an evil French guy…with a robe…and a funny mustache. And if you're a CARTOON!!
So let me get this straight. Davey Richards/Jerrelle Clark/Irish Airborne beat Generation Next?? Man, that shit makes less sense than Delirious' only appearance on the $10,000 pyramid. "Things that sound like a car engine….things that Gary Busey would say after he was arrested….things that sound like a Lil' John record played backwards….I DON"T FUCKIN' KNOW!!"
The thing about Hot Japanese girls or even really Cute Ones is that they're a lot like Japanese wrestlers. I'm buying, but they're just not "selling".
Maria is back!! This week she takes on the biggest thing on RAW since Mickie James' ass. DX.
Maria: Today I have not 1, not 3, not 5, not 18, but 2 very special guests, DX!!
HHH: Thank you Maria, it's always a pleasure…or so I've been told.
HBK: Maria, great to see you again… *stares at cleavage for 5 seconds transfixed*…*Shakes head*… just spectacular…. To see you.
Maria: Well guys, I remember watching DX along time ago and how you guys were a little bit….welll…
HHH: Controversial? Perverted? Edgy?
HBK: Heretical? Lewd? Offensive?
Maria: Taller! *HBK and HHH look at each other* Well now that you guys are a little bit older and HBK has found God, which is great, because when I can't find something I usually Google it.
HHH: Really? I thought you might swallow, but I'll be damned if you google too.
HBK: Uh…Gargle. You're thinking of gargle, not google.
HHH: Oh …actually come to think of it, maybe I was thinking of ‘felching'.
Maria: Well Shawn. Now that you're all born again, how do you manage not to use any profanity or point at your…you know….your… *whispers* "Yoohoo".
HHH: Well Maria, DX isn't just about crotch chopping and dirty jokes, and if you wanna know what the Heartbreak Kid does to avoid using profanity, well he only has two words for ya!!
HBK: DUCK IT!!
Maria: Oh, ok. Well in your match against Mr. McMahon and Shane, you might have a lot of interference like last week. What are you going to do to stop that?
HHH: Well if Vince and little Silver Spoon Shane want to bring their back up to the ring, then I think me and old ‘Sledgy' are just fine with that. In fact HBK has a little "secret weapon" of his own, and if you aren't down with HBK whoopin' your ass with a ‘secret weapon' of his own, I only got two words for ya!!
HBK: NUNCHUCKU IT!!
Maria: Okaaaay. Is DX going to start advertising for Y2 Stinger now that you're back together?
HHH: You know Maria, Y2 Stinger is a thing of the past, ever since John Cena brought his poser ass over to shill for it. DX has a power drink of it's own now. Its Snapple White Tea. Its lighter and more refreshing than any other Ice Tea. And if you're not down with baby tea leaves, we only got two words for YA!!
HBK: PLUCK IT!!
Maria: Um… well do you have any thoughts on Joe Maurer's amazing season with the Minnesota Twins this year?
HHH: Make no mistake about it Maria, Joe Maurer is good. But he's not great. People are talkin' about him like he's the best hitter the Twins have ever had. But they forget about a far greater man…a legend, a Hall of Famer. And if you still think Maurer is the greatest hitter the Twins have ever had, I only got two words for YA!!
HBK: PUCKETT!! *HHH holds up 1 finger and looks at HBK who just shrugs*
Maria: Well… do you have any predictions as to who will win the Diva Search this year? You know, I was on it.
HHH: I've heard you've been on a lot of "Things". But to be honest, I could give a crap about who wins. Those useless beer cozys are here for one thing and one thing only. In fact, the only ‘Diva' I want to see on RAW is Traci Brooks. So I can tell that steel jawed skank a thing or two, that is if she has the balls to come over here.
HBK: And I think she does. *Wink*
HHH: And if you think that dried out skank doesn't have a little "Secret Weapon" of her own hidden away *Wink*, well then she only has two words for YA!!
HBK: TUCK IT!!
Maria: Okay, guys that's all the time we have thanks for…
HHH: Oh hold your horses there Maria… we're not quite done. You know Maria…with the new Diva coming in soon, RAW might have to make some room for her by…downsizing. But since I have some pull around here I might just be able to help you out. *looks at Maria…looks down to his…looks at Maria ….Looks down*
Maria: Uh, well…I guess that..*Puts down Microphone and disappears below camera shot*
HBK: And once again, if you're down with saving your own jobs, HHH only has TWO WORDS FOR YA!!
Maria: Suck…*Garbled mumbling*
HHH: No no Maria, don't talk with your mouth full.
Pimpin' In High Places
Man, my eye hurts. I think something is in my contact lens and either I can leave it there till I go home or I can shell out $5 for some solution I probably wont' use again. Ok, while I ponder that….check out these columns. There only truly crime however…is no hot Asian bitches:
Ask 411. Chances are at least one person at some point has to ask Johnny Nitro and Tommy RAW are gonna feud.
GUILTY. JP tries to explain why the WWE would give Chyna the IC title. Now a days she can't even be trusted with her own shoe laces and belt.
Csonka says he retires. I think it's all a clever rouse however to turn on Sting. I mean, isn't it always?
Gamble is the only guy around here who can get away with talkin' about even less wrestling in his column than I do. Touche'.
Sully. Sure he doesn't believe in plugs, but the man just had like 6 of his OVW guys plucked from his bossom. Empty nest syndrome is a bitch Sully.
Meehan is 411's own Rookie Monster. No wait…I meant Cookie Monster…cuz' I can't understand a gawd damn thing that boy is saying most of the time. Plus… he likes cookies. I mean…really likes them.
Evo Scheme hypes the GAB for the 4th straight week, which is 3 weeks longer than WWE usually does. Seriously Sforcina, when are we gettin' the first Evo Scheme of Nathan Jones. Damn traitor. I'll settle for the Bushwhackers though.
Jules has the top 10 Greatest segments. No mention of Foley stealing my Cha Cha DeGregorio/Melina joke however. Maybe next week it should be a "Top 11" list.
Arnold Furious was in Asian….but sounded happy to be there. which is kind of an oxymoron of sorts. I just hope he stayed away from the pretty "Girls" in Thailand. There's a reason she's only $20 Arnie.
The Golden Girls…I mean Guys talk about wellness and King Booker. Nothing yet about the chances of success for Condoleezza Rice's trip to the Middle East without a Cease fire…but…u know… they talk about Monty Brown. Plus JT weasels his way into the mix. Dang it…when do I get MY guest spot??
HH from last week. Although this week's should be good as one of the hidden highlights was that Tommy Dreamer clearly doesn't know how to spank an ass. It's ‘cup and rub' Tommy…'cup and rub'.
This Weyeer kid is kinda growing on me. I can't wait till he shines a spot light on Trish Stratus' chest though. Not for the article…just for a better look.
Hold on tight TBT fans because I may or may not be able to sneak in a quick column as I will be away on vacation. Yep, the first well deserved vacation of the year back to sunny…or rainy…or…overcast Seattle. Not sure which yet as the weather changes faster than Melina's hair color. The Drapes, not the carpet. So we'll see, as with any luck TBT will still be back next week in abbreviated form. I just hope nothing funny happens till I come back. Like Andy Clark's column…nothing funny about that.
