Truth B Told 8.10.06: Selling Your Soul To The Devil
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 08.10.2006
And the Devil is CASH MONEY BABY!!
I'm on vacation. Yeah, I'm the first and only real vacation I've had all year. So this column is gonna be as short as an X-Division wrestler. Or Steve Cook's dick. Yeah, I said it. What the f*ck do I care? I ain't even gonna read his column this week to see if he responded. Which he won't be able to since his gets posted before mine. Am I still bitter about him firing me during the Kayfabed 'Csonka Retirement angle'? Sure, but he didn't have to text message me in the middle of my interview with Insidepulse just to let me know he was…not kidding. I totally flubbed that question about my strengths and weaknesses and answered "I'm a bit of a Kleptomaniac"… for both answers. Needless to say I'm back here at 411. I'm tellin' ya, sometimes it really is both. By the way, anyone need some pens that say ‘411' on them…or a name plate that says ‘Randle'? anyways, back to the actual wrestling. Or kinda.
Yeah, this week I've been too busy hangin' with the family and friends, eatin' all the fish n' chips, and Taco Taco I can, and taking about 300 pictures of the nieces and nephews to really pay attention to what's been on TV. I caught RAW a few days ago and one match on ECW. Sadly enough that match was seemingly Sandman vs Test and Knox. Or TOX as I like to call them. Which, is better than KNEST. Trust me, it is. So really I'm just kinda talkin' outta my ass on this week's column.
Andy Clark: What's New??
B: Hey, shut the Fuck up Clark, and go get your girlfriend all cleaned up for Papa Csonka.
JT: Hey, quit stealing our gimmick.
JP: Yeah!!
Larry: You're all fired. And Clark, make sure ‘Dani' uses those scented oils I sent her.
B: Alright, this shit is just gettin' too weird, I don't even know what I was tryin' to pull off with this ‘bit' someone put a stop to this now.
Cook: You're still fired.
B: Shit.
Yeah, well so far the only real bit of news that kinda of interested me was the new trailer up for "The Marine" starring John Cena. Let me just say that based on that trailer, this movie is Guaran-damn-teed to easily break even. Possibly even gross over $2 or 3 million after all is said and done. Basically it looks like the WWE just bought an old Jean Claude Van Damme movie that hadn't been released and recast John Cena in it. Except I'm sure Cena doesn't actually find one unnecessary time in the movie to do the splits for no fuckin' reason what so ever. Well I guess Cena as a movie star made sense. The guy is young, has some fair amount of charisma and the chicks seem to dig him. "Actor" wasn't such a bad venture for the guy. Kane on the other hand…well, he at least got one movie under his belt right? Which, lately, seems to be the last thing he's going to be able to fit under there. Seriously, the dude has let himself go. He's gone from the "Big Red Machine" to , "Heyyyyyy, Kool-Aid".
Well this week we take a look, a really brief look, at a few wrestlers that could also have a thing or two going for them in terms of ‘extracurricular ventures'.
BJ Whitmer: AFLAC- This guy has bleed for RoH and been put through more injuries than anyone I can remember in the past few years. Something tells me that an endorsement deal could be in the works soon. "Man, I'm sure glad my family is taken care of after I got put through 3 tables, 2 boards covered in barbed wire, and had my tongue staple gunned to my foreskin"…"AFLAC".
Delirious: Food Network- The rating would be through the ROOF, too bad the audiences cholesterol would be too. "Wait…did he just say….5 sticks of butter? And….bwaahahaahaaa resesefera….hamsters??"
Jimmy Rave: Charmins- Tell me that you couldn't imagine the commercial now. Jimmy Rave in the ring with seemingly dozens of rolls of TP flying at him in all direction, he starts indiscriminately picking up rolls and flinging them back at the audience until he picks up one roll…gets ready to send it flying, stops…looks at it…notices its quilted for extra softness, touches it to his check…looks down at it and nods, then places it gently inside of his robe before being pelted by another roll. With the caption reading, "Charmins, So squeezably soft, it will satisfy even the most irritated of assholes".
Ron "The Truth" Killings: Investment Banking- I'm telling you this guy in on the MONEY when he says he can find you the hottest stocks out there. Seriously, you can trust a man whose middle name is "The Truth" right? Besides, he knows that when you invest into the stock market the only thing on your mind is, "What's up….What's up….What's UP….What's UP??"
David Young: Employment Services- www.davidyoungemployment.com could be one of the hottest websites around for finding employment. I mean, when you think ‘job' you think of David Young.
Jake Roberts/Sean Waltman/Jeff Hardy: Private Investigators- Never fear about another unsolved case because Roberts, Waltman and Hardy guarantee a crack team of experts will be at your service. Or was that a team of crack experts?
Justin Credible: Mattress- Because a 3rd of your day is spent lying on your back, you need a good mattress. And why would you buy a mattress from anyone other than Justin Credible, who spends at least an extra few minutes there ever week. Cuz' lyin' down on the job isn't just great, it isn't just the best, it's…Justin Credible!!
The Miz: Stem Cell Research- Because with your help someday, maybe, just maybe, they can find a cure…for ‘asshole'.
Randy Orton: Music Video Actor- Look out for R.Kelly's newest album, "Golden Reign", with his new video coming out starring Randy Orton entitled, "Shit is Going Down".
JBL: Actor- Catch JBL's debut role in a remake of an award winning film. "The Bradshawshank Redemption". "Get busy living…or get busy bending over so I can soap your butt cheeks".
Traci Brooks: Home Safes- Too often are people afraid of housing large amounts of their values, say jewelry or art, collectibles, etc in their own home because they don't think they can afford their own oversized safe. Now they can with the Traci Brooks affordable oversized security safe. Remember, "No one knows about hiding a ‘a little extra' than Traci Brooks".
The Truth
Nothing really, just a random bunch of shit I thought up last second. This has nothing really to do with wrestling, but its just something I thought up on the plane to amuse myself. Little known fact, is that I learned on the plane ride to Seattle that Lesbians love crossword puzzles. I know this as a fact since I was sitting next to two and they had several books of the in front of them. So now the next time you have to get a gift for a Lesbian, you know what to get them. A little tip from all of us at TBT to all of you reading at home…or work. Which if that is the case….get back to work. No, just kiddin'…Screw ‘The Man'!!
Coming Up Short
I'm not sure how the hell Samoa Joe, Rhyno, and Monty Brown are all going to come out of this 3-way Falls Count Anywhere match and all have their pushes in tact. The only way that is going to happen is if this is a ***** match that just makes the actual winner almost irrelevant. Don't get me wrong, all of these guys needed to meet at some point, but it just seems that at least one guy is going to get the shaft. So who do you give it to? My sneaking suspicion is that it will be Monty. Which is sad because his opportunity to get pushed has come and gone and before Joe and Rhyno hit the scene he was the next big thing. I'm curious to see what happens here, but if this all goes down like I think it does than this does Monty Brown no favors. This either buries a much deserved push from one of these three or ends in a ridiculously overbooked dirty finish, which would just end up coming up short. Probably for Monty.
6 Degrees of…
Daniel Wilcox Is one arrogant or confident bastard. He won last week and somehow foresaw it after he wrote this at the end of his entry this week:
Similarly to last week, i'm away next week so if i win one of the degrees can be Alan Funk
So that is how we end up with Kwee Wee aka Bruce aka Miss TNA aka Angry Allen Funk. Yeah, I'm not even sure why that came to mind when D-Wil was thinking of possible wrestlers. Then again, who could possibly resist the phenomenon that IS Kwee Wee. Well this week I went to the well and pulled out some FUNK.
George Clinton. Can't get much funkier than that right? Alright, so the Black Sheep of the Funk family and the Matriarch of the P-Funk All-Stars. No, I have no freakin' clue how you guys are going to pull this off, but winner goes to whoever submits the entry with the most funk. Or whoever fits in ‘The Funky Bunch", sans Marky Mark.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Damn, the week I wanna take it easy and I seem to have sparked a bit of a feedback avalanche. Well not really, just a bit more than usual, aww hell, I guess I can stay up a little longer and read it all right?:
Here's a couple trades for you.
First- rob Conway & Eugene to TNA for Bentley & Kazarian
Why ? Because Rob and Eugene need a fresh start and gimmick change with that they could help out TNA in the tag division as well as singles.
Bentley & Kazarian would go to RAW and join DX. They could help out the tag division as well and also they could really push the chilidish pranks that DX pulls. Plus Bentleys family(HBK), so HHH and HBK would and could get them over.
Next- Umaga and Estrada to TNA for Abyss and James Mitchel
Umaga could join forces or feud with Samoa Joe. TNA has already dropped the ball with Abyss so now they would have something fresh.
Abyss would go to ECW. The guy is tailor made for that style and would make a awesome ECW champ.
Finally send Shelton and Masters to TNA for Bobby Roode and Monty Brown
Shelton could work with the X division and put on classic matches with a number of people. Masters could go strait to the main event and work programs with Scott Steiner and Samoa Joe as well as everyone else.
Monty would got to SmackDown and work with Lashly and Batista and Booker. A heel group of Book,Lashly,and Monty could be gold.
Roode would go to Raw and join forces with Edge as they are both Canadian. He could work a feud with Cena to start off.
But truth be told…..The best move would be Abyss going to WWE. The guy could be a star there. As I said TNA has dropped the ball with him(come on, a feud with spike that's a total waste of Abyss).
More truth DX needs new members whether it's one or two. My thoughts…they need two they are Kenny from SS and bring back X-Pac.
That's it I'm out TROY
Interesting, but to be honest I think Eugene is pretty tainted right now, the Impact Zone would be merciless in jeering him, I mean how bad would it be to trade Shazarian for a guy who had a retarded gimmick and another guy who had…wait, I made this joke before right? Moving on. Abyss is TNA homegrown, as is Roode and Monty so they would probably never be traded, although Monty for Shelton might be interesting, I wouldn't even trade an action figure of Monty Brown or Bobby Roode for Masters. You can't trade the greatest Canadian White Man's Jheri curl in wrestling today for that balding 24 year old hoss. But I gotta admit, Monty/Lashley/Booker would be a great stable. Call them NoD2K and you got a deal. Then again.. why does the Black Stable always gotta be heels….Racism I Tells ya…RACISM. Abyss would be a huge blow to TNA and unless they got another potential monster of super star, say, Lashley in return I wouldn't see it happening. But you're right, Abyss vs Kane, Taker, Khali, etc would be okay in my book. I think Kenny and X-pac are fine, especially now that WWE is suspending all the steroid users and bring back all the potheads lately, clearly X-Pac would never be accused of being on the ‘Juice'. Unless that's the new slang term for crack.
Greg Pryor screwed the pooch last week:
I didn't understand the ruling that I had to pick this weeks 6 Degrees!! Dam Naggitt! Got a really good one aswell...if I've missed the boat I've missed the boat...but in any event you can re-instate my idea somewhere down the road then here it is....
From One Snake to Another!
Link Sensi John Kreese (Martin Kove) From Karate Kid- Leader of the Cobra Kai to another snake Jake the snake roberts!
Well Dagnabbit you certainly cocked that one up. But you know, that wouldn't be a bad ‘6 degrees' one week, I'm storing that in the memory bank. Man, tell me sittin' between those guys on a plane wouldn't…you know…I'm saving that joke up for after I see the movie…so moving on…
Awww, its great to see the staff at 411 looking after each other:
The answer to that JT would be…JP's mama. But don't tell him that…we're waiting for just the right moment. You know, oddly enough they had one of those random moments on RAW this week when he just says that for no apparent reason…hmmm. Seriously, if the writing staff is reading this column….God Help us all. Oh, and what the fuck is the wait on bussing in all those Hot Asian Bitches on Smackdown?? Actually I'm considering trying to get DX to endorse a creation of my own that incorporates both HHH's in your face attitude with HBK's faith. It would simply say: WTF…WJD??
Ahhh shit, it looks like not everyone is happy with a little well toned Asian "Trim":
Ey partna. Small really wants to fuck u up. He said next time ur surfin the 'net to DUCK! cuz he got some cyber slugs for u! But anyway, I'ma be real about it and say I think ur misrepresenting my "Asian bitches be lookin good MOST of the time" shit. C'mon mayne, I said MOST of the time. All the pics u got is usually fine ass lil tiny broads. How bout some pics of Bull Nakano for dudes that like that shit! Gotta have somethin for the skinny niggas! (Friday after Next) But for real, why not add a new dimension and represent properly for ur culture. Yall do got some wack ass hoes out there in Asia-land and I think u could bring Cook out of his deep depression by offering some pics of bitches like the one on MAD TV! Holla~
Rusty F'n Nailz
Well damn, I didn't realize Small had it out for me. I mean, I've had feuds with a lot of folks on this site, but far be it from me to take a Velocity Recapper seriously. I mean RAW AM recapper…or was that WCW Thunder, shit, I forget. Well ya know, I gotta admit Rusty that most people just wanna see the hot bitches. I mean for ever one of these or these there is definitely one of THESE but we try not to think about that. Well for a brutha who might like a bit more meat on their bones how about THIS. I will definitely keep my eyes open for some nice thick lovely Asian bitches in the future however, but regardless of the amount of humps, I think the only think Cook would be looking for is the Lady Lump…in the front of "her" jeans and adam's apple.
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
No ranking this week, It's late and I'm tired. I do appreciate all the entries this week. A lot of them were good so here they all are and look for the winner this week below:
Frank OMara
1.mel gibson was in braveheart with brian cox
2.brian cox was in super troopers with jimmy noonan who played galikanoukus the bunty soap truckdriver
3.jimmy noonan is the one of the heads of security for wwe raw(thank you imdb.com), which is owned by vince mcmahon
4.vince mcmahon bought cm punk(gotta be nice to have money)
5.cm punk was a former roh world champion, the american dragon bryan danielson is the current chanpion.
6.bryan danielson beat roh pure champion nigel mcguiness on 7/29 in cleveland
mel to nigel in exactly 6 steps, not bad for the first time playing. now give me my first win for that.
Mark Satrang
B-
Yeah its late...I know...
Nigel McGuinness to Mel Gibson
1) Mel Gibson's arch rival in Mad Max 2 was a gentleman by the name of Lord Humungus...
2) Lord Humoungus was also the name of Sid Eudy's first's wrestling charachter...
3) Sid Eudy's most famous moniker, Sid Vicious, is also the same stage name of Simon John Ritchie-Beverly of the Sex Pistols...
4) The Sex Pistols were inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in 2006, even though they declined the invitation, alongside other bands like Black Sabbath...
5) Black Sabbath front man Ozzy Osbourne appeared in the British Bulldogs' corner at WrestleMania 2...
6) British Bulldog Davey Boy Smith wrestled Bret Hart in the main event of SummerSlam '92, an event that a young Nigel McGuinness attended live...
Jerry Chandler
1) Nigel McGuiness wrestled at TNA: Genesis 2005 which also featured Traci Brooks
2) Tracy was in Zombie Beach Party with Jennifer Deschamps
3) Jennifer Deschamps was in 2103: The Deadly Wake with Malcolm McDowell
4) Malcolm McDowell was in Fist of the North Star with Melvin Van Peebles
5) Melvin Van Peebles did a cameo in Last Action Hero where Tina Turner did a cameo as The Mayor
6) Tina Turner was in Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome with Mel "F$@#%$# Jew B$#%#s) Gibson
Brent Castellanos
1. Mel made "the Passion of the Christ", which is a heavily favored movie in the Christian circles which,
2. Shawn Michaels has been reborn as, and he had a feud with
3. Chris Jericho in 2003, who was partnered with
4. Christian for a year, winning the tag titles and he wrestled with
5. Colt Cabana in Ring of Honor at "How We Roll" and he had a long feud with the one, the only,.....6. Nigel McGuiness
Luke Southworth
Hey there Bayani.
Good funny column, and some nice ideas too- even if I think some of them were a bit off (Would the WWE really take Cassidy Riley, Frankie Kazarian (Again) or A1!?)
Anyways I guess I should really enter 6 Degrees this week!
I decided to reciprocate the international loving.
Mel Gibson is well known for playing Scottish William Wallace in Braveheart
Sophie Marceau, Princess Isabelle in Braveheart is a French actress. She played Electra King in 1999 Bond flick The World is Not Enough.
Another famous Bond character is Hawaiian born Toshiyuki 'Harold' Sakata- best known for playing Odd Job in Goldfinger.
Sakata introduced the Japanese legend Rikidozan- the "Father of Puroresu"
Brian Danielson is American Dragon- and he's known as one of the "Fathers of ROH"
Nigel McGuinness is his English opponent on August 12th in Liverpool- a ROH show which I should be attending!
How's that!?
Cheerio, toodle pip and all that!
***Sorry just had to interject here, but what the hell does that last line mean? I mean, it sounds like a balanced breakfast to me? Some Cheerios and a toodle pip? Or is that dirty? Is it? Is it like something dirty or sexual? I don't know, someone get me a good English to American dictionary cuz' one day I wanna try to do an entire column interlaced with ‘English' slang. That is all, you bloody whankers***
Ryan Gleason
In light of Gibson's recent comments, this 6-degrees entry relies on characters and people who may seem a bit...off, in some regards.
1) Mel Gibson starred with Danny Glover (who ran around in his underwear, clucking like a chicken) in the Lethal Weapon series.
2) Danny Glover voiced the character of Barbatus in the movie Antz, which also featured Dan Aykroyd as a "snooty wasp" named Chip.
3) Dan Aykroyd was a slightly off-kilter scientist in Ghostbusters, which also had a possessed health-nut accountant (Louis Tully), played by Rick Moranis.
4) Rick Moranis played Dark Helmet in Mel Brooks' classic spoof Spaceballs, which also featured a Mog (half man, half dog - he's his own best friend) named Barf, played by John Candy.
5) John Candy was a pessimistic announcer in Rookie of the Year, which featured a pitching coach who endorsed the ideas of hot ice, vomit bag leftovers, and pinball machines, played by Daniel Stern.
6) In the movie Home Alone, Daniel Stern plays an inept criminal who gets an iron dropped on his head - which also happens to be the weapon of choice for one Nigel McGuiness.
#1.
Chen Arbel
Hey Bayani,
long time on-and-off reader. Here's a crack at Six Degrees of Mel Gibson and That Limey:
1. In Braveheart, Mel Gibson threw rocks around with Hamish Campbell, played by Brendan Gleeson. (I could easily go with "Gleeson is Kingdom-born, and Nigel's a limey too", but...)
2. Gleeson would go on to play Menelaus in Troy, which also featured Nathan Jones.
3. In 2003, everyone's favorite lactating ex-con was in a program in which he teamed with The Undertaker.
4. The first notch on 'Taker's Wrestlemania belt belongs to Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka.
5. Snuka's son wrestles in OVW as Deuce Shade, a "Throwback to the 70s" type character.
6. In September 2005 Elijah Burke, Seth Skyfire and Deuce Shade teamed in OVW, beating CM Punk, Paul Burchill and Nigel McGuinness.
Gibson-Gleeson seemed much more concrete than going the Mad Max/Road Warriors route or with "Jamie Noble was in ROH as James Gibson, thus sharing a last name with Mel." Another route would be:
1. Gibson directed Passion of the Christ.
2. Christ was crucified, as was Raven, by CM Punk.
3. CM Punk and Colt Cabana lost to Chad Collyer and Nigel McGuinness on ROH's New Frontiers.
I always liked Snuka, plus I just like the idea of a sXe guy, a pirate, and an English dude beating up 3 guys named Elijah, Seth, and Deuce. WTF indeed. Plus, it gives me the chance to make fun of Sforcina and point out that so far "Team Australia" in the World Cup of Wrestling consists of NaJo, The Bushwhackers, and … "Future Shock". Okay Chen, you better damn well be a more ON than OFF reader now, and don't forget to send in your 1 link next week. Be it wrestler or non-wrestler, send me one name…and for be that name Nathan Jones…well, let's just pray it isn't.
Left Overs…
I hope you guys realize the only man who can stop Kevin Thorne's reign of terror is in ECW is returning soon to Smackdown after his battle with a serious Staph infection. Oh shit…that doesn't sound right…oh wait…he's Hardcore HOLLY … I must have missed that second ‘L'.
Let me do the math for you people: Island Savage > 5 Male Cheerleaders. Hey, math don't lie.
People are giving Batista a lot of shit over his ECW cameo last week. People are saying that John Cena did a better job of handling the situation and working heel at the last second. Well no shit. He was working against RVD at ONS: Fuck Buddy, for the WWE title. Clearly RVD was an UBER face and working heel wasn't a problem. But Batista was working against the biggest heel in ECW and BOTH him and Big Show were getting booed I mean, what the hell was he supposed to do? Try to be a bigger heel? Unless he would have brought out the corpse of Chris Candito and Batista Bombed it onto Francine, I doubt it would have helped.
OH SHIT, Simon Dean..I mean Mike Bucci will soon be head of Talent Development under Johnny Ace. This means he'll no longer be on the Smackdown active roster soon. In order to replace the Simon Dean character the writers have brought in an area rug. It will basically just be brought in once every week to just lay on the mat for 3 seconds, so far at house shows the transition has been seemless.
I'm fuckin' confused here man, so Kristall and Michelle McCool are heel Divas? And Ashley and Jillian Hall are faces? At this point does anyone even care? I mean, big boobs and ass vs big boobs and ass doesn't even need a huge empirical dilemma such as good vs evil, all it really needs is a thong and few a nip slip every so often.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
I remember someone telling me what an upside down triangle meant before, but in this case…I'd just pay to watch.
Someone give Idol Stevens and KC James a damn gimmick already. I love how these guys have such opposite gimmicks in OVW but are somehow a tag team in the "E", hell I got something for you, team Conway and Stevens and let them do a similar gimmick on Smackdown then bring James over to tag with a returning victim of the ‘wellness program'. That's right, with Good Ol' J.R. as their manager, who could KC Masterpiece go wrong?? Bah GAWD!!
Why is there so much damn PORN in the airport newsstands? I fully understand a Playboy and Penthouse there, but there are like 18 different porn mags on the news stand. Who the hell is buying porn at the airport? I'd love to once…just ONCE buy like 7 porno mags and just have them all opened and strewn across my lap during a flight. Too bad it wasn't this trip up here to Seattle, cuz' I guarantee those Lesbians would have traded me a cross word or two for some snatch-tastic porn.
Pimpin' In High Places
I ain't got no time for linking folks. Its already like…2 am up here as I type this. So…I dunno go read some folks. I usually end up reading Hidden Highlights, Column of Honor, The Triple Threat, High Road/Load Road, one of the 18 columns Csonka writes, Shining a Spotlight, Small's Sunday thingamabob, The Top 10, and…yeah, Cook. God help me but I do, if only to find out what my employment status is for this week.
Short column this week. Its not because I don't care, its because I don't care more than I do about enjoying my vacation. Just shot my first half round of golf today with my big Bro. Man do I suck, well not bad for my first time ever holding a golf club, I only lost one ball. But enough about Meehan. I also am looking forward to a load more of Fish n' Chips and coffee. Plus, it'll be nice to see my ‘LBM' again in about…5 days. Well, I wish I had something truly epic to end this week's column with, but I guess THIS will have to do.
