The Sunday Small-For-All News Report: 08.13.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 08.13.2006
You would think that TNA would stop stealing their PPV titles from Skinamax movies by now
Welcome back kids to another always influential edition of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report. I must say that I am SHOCKED, yes SHOCKED that there is some Saturday news this week. Hell, you can tell that bossman Ashish is either surprised or pissed off that there is news to post since you know he secretly wishes to take the weekends off. Just look at that exclamation point he uses in this line from the main page " Some Saturday News! " Dude's in disbelief. And so am I.
Now some of you might wonder whether it's smart of me talking about my boss like that. Don't worry, it's not like he probably reads this. And if he does, well I guess I won't be invited back to Fact or Fiction ever again. By the way, did you see how much I kicked that Smackdown recapper's ass this week? Heat's the true B-show of the WWE.
Ok, enough with this nonsense. Let's move on to more topical subjects like Goldberg squashing the entire TNA roster, why Edge still hasn't replaced the Spinner Belt, and most importantly, what country really hates John Cena. Oh yes, this one's going to be good.
The 285 Words or Less Weak In Review
Author's sidenote: I figure that since this is a Sunday column, I should wrap up all the events of the week. And I added this stipulation to keep me from rambling and also to see if I really can actually stay under a limit. The limit originally started at 100 words or less but I failed that. The limit you see above was determined after writing the following:
This week's Raw finished the epic Umaga/people-with-PPV-matches feud as he took out Triple H with a running thumb to the neck. Elsewhere, Foley and Flair continued their war of the words though Flair wasn't buried as much as he normally is. Edge and Lita actually got some face time in order to wreck havoc on the lovebirds Trilito while their opponent at Summerslam got to punk out Big Vis. Finally, Kane won a shot at the IC title by defeating Shelton Benjamin. Expect the two to fight again this week.
ECW saw Kurt Angle and Sabu go to a no-contest when Rob Van Dam returned and punked out both of them. Elsewhere, we were treated to TWO Mike Knox matches as he defeated both Tommy Dreamer and the Sandman. And I think that's about it.
Smackdown continued their streak of decent shows with a lineup that put over fresh faces such as Batista, Gregory Helms, and Luke Perry. Yes, Luke Perry. Elsewhere, in the Diva Search competition, Jen imitated Stone Cold Steve Austin by getting in a fight with another chick; the team of KC James and Idol Stevens defeated the tag champions in a non-title match; and Vito took out Sylvan.
Impact built to tonight's PPV by effectively hyping some of the main matches. Christian still tried to earn Sting's trust by defeating Scott Steiner. Samoa Joe, Rhino, and Monty Brown brawled to hype their three way. LAX took the momentum going into the PPV with a win over Chris Daniels. And there might be a X Division match at the PPV but you would have to go to the TNA website to learn more about it.
Show of the week? Eh, I guess I will go with TNA even though Smackdown was solid. Raw was definitely the worst show of the week as they continue to focus on non-wrestlers. What I like about TNA and Smackdown is that they have the ability to push their young wrestlers (and so does ECW to an extent). The young'ums might not be great yet, but they are at least getting time to develop.
WWE NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck Summerslam, Let's Talk Unforgiven
I must say that this year's Summerslam build has been quite underwhelming. Just watching the Edge/Cena video package shows how lackluster their build has been. While the Jericho/Cena build wasn't the greatest (the rock vs. rap show was retarded), it at least received six weeks worth of build. This week, we got nothing except that John Cena should not have a problem picking up a 250ish pound Edge since he was able to FU Viscera. That and Trish Stratus takes a better bump than most men.
I'm serious, nothing was accomplished on Raw to hype their match. It's not that difficult to build to a championship match. For instance, since a DQ can seriously affect Edge's title reign at the PPV, why doesn't he just beat the shit out of Cena on Raw to try to weaken him down before their match? He should have started punking out Cena two weeks ago with chairs, tables, whatever. Then again, I bet they are saving it for next month... Why?
SPOILER ALERT
According to the Wrestling Observer, the main event at Unforigven is John Cena vs. Edge in a TLC match for the WWE Championship. The plan is for Cena to win the title in front of his hometown at Summerslam and for Edge to challenge in his specialty match in his hometown.
SPOILER OUT
Speaking of Unforgiven, according to the WON, Trish Stratus will have her blow-off match at September's PPV in her hometown, too
I assume this will be a loser leaves WWE match against Mickie James. It should be a good send-off for the Greatest WWE Diva Ever as their Backlash match never got off the ground due to Trish's injury. Personally, the women's match is my MOTN from Wrestlemania 22 so Unforgiven is already shaping up to be the best Raw PPV of the year.
At least, the Shawn Michaels vs. the McMahons feud will finally be over…Or will it?
HBK and Ma$e Belong to the Same Church Apparently!
According to the latest Observer, " Shawn Michaels recently signed a 5-year contract for $1.5 million per year which shocked a lot of people, including Michaels himself. "
Jesus!
The Question is Would Tom Cruise Have Sued?
Again from the Observer, " There was an apparent pitch a few months ago to do a scientology angle/gimmick with MNM, which was abandoned due to the split. "
L. Ron!
Actually, I'm going to comment on this as unlike other WWE gimmicks, this one actually made a tad bit sense. In Hollywood (MNM's hometown), scientology is all the rage so it makes sense for the group to be members to fit in with the rest of that lifestyle. Plus, it actually would have given the group more of a personality (and some mic time) as the skits could have been actually funny. Hell, they could have recruited Eugene from Raw as one of their followers. Man, I'm buzzing with ideas today.
Last Viewer Standing is the Real Winner
According to PWInsider, The Great Khali/Undertaker match was pulled due to an already stacked card and Khali can't be counted on having a good match
Finally, a little common sense from the WWE. Boston barely survived the epic Evening Gown Match between Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco from the King of the Ring 2000. Khali/Taker would have sent the city into ruins. Of course, why it took the WWE this long to realize that Khali sucks in the ring is unbeknownst to me, but not surprising. The only repercussion to pushing this match up is that Smackdown (which hasn't built to Summerslam at all) will lose two 15 minute segments this week (the LMS and Diva Search) to hype the PPV.
If you really love CM Punk, Watch ECW Please
According to the Observer, " Punk's debut was the worst ECW segment since the show debuted ratingswise, losing 113,000 viewers. "
I guess all the fans already changed the channel prior to the main event. As always, ratings don't mean shit as are any of those 113,000 viewers PPV buyers? Probably not. Plus, the pre-main event spot is normally the deadspot of the show as that's when the Diva search/Umaga squash/ Vito match is normally shown. I wouldn't worry too much about it for CM Punk as the word of mouth should have been strong enough from the first match to help keep his momentum. Of course, he needs a stronger opponent this week, but that's not my job.
TNA NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODETTES!!!!!!!!
Now All We Need is the Warrior For TNA Domination
According to Goldberg's website, " "I was all set to wrestle August 20th for Gladiator Championship Wrestling, which would have been awesome, mostly because it would have been a one-shot appearance for that promotion. However, it will not happen because I signed a 90-day holding deal with Spike TV, so I could not do the Gladiator event because it eventually would go on TV and it conflicted with my Spike deal.
A holding deal means that I am contractually-bound to not working for another network for the 90 days. And that's anything, not just wrestling. I cannot appear on another cable network during the holding deal.
The holding deal definitely means that I now will talk with TNA Wrestling, but nothing further than that.
I'm meeting with Spike next week. More soon...."
Now, most of you are probably saying to yourself, what's the point of a holding deal? For wrestlers like Goldberg, it's the only way they will be able to wrestle outside of the McMahon empire. You see, TNA cannot pay Goldberg what he wants. There's no way the company (which is still not making money) can afford Goldberg's asking price. TNA is not the New York Knicks, ya know.
So for Goldberg, he is trying to sign a deal with Spike TV to wrestler for TNA. Spike TV can afford to pay part, if not all, of Goldberg's salary because A) they have the money (especially since Blade: The Series is cancelled) and B) they believe that Goldberg will increase not only TNA's ratings but the network in general. Of course, we all know that Goldberg will not be the savior of TNA. Good storylines, compelling new characters (like Samoa Joe), and a better timeslot will lead to TNA's emergence. Not a man who believes in squashing the entire X Division to get over. Bill, TNA already has one Kevin Nash.
Of course, you know TNA is salivating at this opportunity as a Spear vs. Gore vs. Pounce match would be unprecedented in the history of sports entertainment. Smell the buyrates, now.
Personally, I think Goldberg would be a cancer to TNA but I'm just a Negative Nancy. I have to start thinking more positively if I want to win the Great Positivity Debate 3.
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT…. TNA HARD JUSTICE PREVIEW!!!!
Tonight is TNA's Hard Justice PPV. Considering last month's PPV was the worst the company has put on in a long time, here's hoping they rebound with a slobberknocker. Judging by the card, the two three way matches have a chance of being excellent followed by the Tag Team Championship match. If any of those matches disappoint, we might be in for a long night. Here's the card for those not in the know:
NWA Tag Team Titles: AJ Styles and Chris Daniels vs. LAX
X-Division Title: Senshi vs. Petey Williams vs. Jay Lethal
#1 Contender for the NWA Tag Titles: James Gang vs. AMW vs. Kazarian & Maverick Matt vs. The Naturals #1 Contender for the X-Division Title: Kevin Nash vs. Chris Sabin Falls Count Anywhere: Monty Brown vs. Samoa Joe vs. Rhino
Brother Runt vs. Abyss
Eric Young vs. Johnny Devine
Sirelda vs. Gail Kim
Now to talk more about tonight's PPV, here's me…
Five Questions with ME!!!
Question 1: Nine Matches? Is Vince Russo booking this PPV?
As I stated last month, the use of nine matches is unnecessary. At last month's Victory Road, a couple of the matches really could have been scrapped (the Diamonds in the Rough had a match, for instance). While I understand the need for each of these matches, the women's match won't be pretty and neither will be the Abyss squash. These matches could have been saved for an Impact.
Question 2: Will Christian Cage turn on Sting?
You would think that after being turned on by like 100 different partners, Sting would finally stop trusting people. This turn is blatantly obvious and won't be nearly as effective as TNA would like. The main event will need this sort of interference in order to be passable as the last time these two men fought we had interference by 8 Stings and I think a football team. Then again, WCW 2000 is a blur to me.
Question 3: Will Kevin Nash put over Chris Sabin in their match?
What do you think? I've already stated my opinion on Nash many a times and while he has been entertaining in his role, he, not an X Division star, will be getting a title shot in the upcoming months.
Question 4: Joe/Rhino/Brown: Who should win? Who will win?
Obviously, Joe should win if he's being pushed as the challenger at Bound for Glory. Then again, Joe's been quite unspectacular in three-ways (the only match he has lost in) and he can still look like a badass without getting pinned. Brown is definitely the weakling in this match so look for him to do the job.
Question 5: What's next for TNA?
After Hard Justice, there will be six weeks before the next TNA PPV. During this time, the company should blow off a couple of long-standing feuds and start fresh for the upcoming period. They have enough time to book a good enough Unbreakable card that will build to Bound for Glory and I'm confident the company will use their time wisely. I still believe that Jarrett/Joe is the way to go for BFG and we shall have a better picture after tonight's PPV.
Man, I got nothing to steal from Randle this week. I guess he can't call me the Annoying Bugger this week. First off, I'm not even Australian. Second, is there anything I would really want to steal from a Canadian? Except for maybe Niagara Falls. They have that awesome WWE: the Ride on the Canadian side.
Next week, I promise it will be the BEST Sunday Small-For-All News Report you will ever read. I definitely need something to counteract that massive juggernaut known as Snakes on a Plane.
Until then…
Enjoy Hard Justice.
Randle's in tomorrow.
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
