Truth B Told 8.24.06: PPV Titles to the XXXtreme
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 08.24.2006
Remember when the original PPV was in motel rooms. Awww the good ol’ days.
Oh sweet sassy molassy, by the time you are reading this I will be half way through the 2nd to last day at my current job. Starting Monday I'll have a brand new employer, a little more coin in my pocket and without a laptop and internet service. Crap. I'm not sure how I'll swing a column next week but I'll do my best to figure something out. Even if it calls for a guest columnist…or 3. Then again I'm kinda like the Randy Orton of 411 here so the chances of finding someone to even cover for me seems about as likely as a Taker/Khali Ultimate X match. Man, that would indeed be the shortest match in history.
So this is going to be a bit of a short column this week as I found out recently that I have roughly 4 tons of random paperwork in my cubicle that needs to be sorted through, filed, and sorted. Man, maybe I should have started organizing my shit about 3 years ago…oh well, at least it gives me an excuse to not do any real work till I leave tomorrow. I mean, piss in the coffee pot, take a shit on the copy machine and then leave. Sorry, I should be more precise. Any who this week's column is going to seem about as random as a donkey punch at mass, but it is waaaaay over due. And by overdue I mean something I can randomly write up in 30 minutes or less. Yep, today we take a brief look at the PPV. No, nothing useful and informative like the history behind them or going through and chronicling them throughout the years, I actually have to give it up to Byers and the dedicated men and…boys who have been participating in the Summerslam round tables, good stuff. Too bad I've never actually watched a Summerslam or I'd be right there with them.
This week's column will be dedicated to a subject that has probably never been tackled in it's entirety on 411. this all comes from one distinct notion, one brilliant observation I had one day: Why the hell do most wrestling PPV's sound like titles to porn movies?
Yeah, that's really what this week's column is about. No shit. C'mon…don't click over to see what else is on Thursdays…trust me, the Fink's Payload can wait…just keep reading, because deep down inside, you know you want to. I will admit that while this all kind of came out of the announcement that ECW's first PPV will be titled "December to Dismember" I kept thinking that while this isn't exactly very ‘porny' this is a very John Carpenter. It also made me realize that perhaps there is more to just naming a PPV than looking up obscure Asia Carrera movie titles. I mean, clearly this title means something, it is not only graphic, not only gory, not only suggesting that there will be suffering and disfigurement to the EXTREME it also means that…Vince couldn't get a PPV together a month earlier and just re-use the "November to Remember" name.
So let's go ahead and take a look at some of the WWE's PPV's and decide whether it sounds more like a hedonistic display of almost fully naked men and women cavorting while oiled up trying to pin each other to the ground for long periods of time or…its all that but….you know…they're fully naked:
New Years Revolution - Okay, so this one is safe. Too bad the PPV is rarely memorable
Royal Rumble - Ok, safe again.
No Way Out - C'mon…this has old Tracy Lords film written all over it.
Wrestlemania - Safe…until MudWrestlemania comes out.
Backlash - I think I saw this once on Cinemax. I'm fairly sure Shannon Tweed was in it.
Judgment Day - Yeah, I'm calling porn on this one too.
King of the Ring - Damn, if they had just inserted the word "cock" before ‘Ring' this would be all porned up.
Bad Blood / ECW ONS - Bad Blood, which was awfully porny, was replaced by ECW's ‘One Night Stand' which is so porn-able that I can almost hear imagine the ‘goat play' as I type this.
Great American Bash - I'm not going to tell you what 411 columnist loaned me his copy of "Great American Bukakke", but even I was disgusted…after the 2nd hour.
Vengence - So tell me again why most times "vengeance" involves a threesome with the cheating boyfriends two roommates? Or so I'm told. Damn, why didn't my old roommate ever get caught?
Summerslam - I hope Summer Haze isn't shooting this ‘blockbuster' hit yet because Vince is going after EVERY copyright now. Okay, so not porny…yet.
Unforgiven - Sure Clint Eastwood starred in the clean version of this title, but something tells me that any other movie with the title "Unforgive" would entail a whole lot of gettin' on your hands and knees and begging. Oh yeah…begging.
No Mercy - Do I even have to tell you?
Cyber Sunday / Taboo Tuesday - Taboo Tuesday? Check. Cyber Sunday? Check. White Chicks/Black Dicks Wednesday? Uh…man, I ain't hangin' out at that bar.
Survivor Series - Another tough one, but I'll say this one is innocent.
Armageddon - Arma-get-it-on.
Hmmm…interesting. About half and half there. but still, way too much potential porn to be ignored. Let's see how TNA stacks up:
Final Resolution - Sounds more like a Nazi/Holocaust movie, so we'll give it a pass.
Against All Odds - Yep, porn.
Destination X - I'd like to see 2 more X's in the title, but still mighty porny.
Lockdown - You're kididn' me right?
Sacrifice - To truly sacrifice you must give till it hurts. Uh…that's usually the plot at least right?
Slammiversary - I'd rather spend the $29.95 on Analversary but I guess it passes the test.
Victory Road - I'm just waiting for when Victoria is finally let go by the "e" and has to find some kind of means to support herself. Enter her XXX debut "Victoria Road". It's a long and bumpy ride…all up the ol' "Dirty Road".
Hard Justice - Heh…heh heh.
No Surrender - Tee Hee….yep.
Bound for Glory - Bound and Gagged for Glory more like it…
Genesis - You know, I've actually seen a movie with this title. No, seriously.
Turning Point - Yeah, this actually for some reason kinda seems like it would be just as believable as a gay porno title as a straight one. No reason for that statement, just you know…damn, crap, I hope I remember to edit out this line before I submit this crappy column.
Oh man, now I know what they call themselves T n' A. Sheesh. Bunch of flippy spot monkey perverts. Wait a second…G Spot Monkeys…damn someone tell me how to copyright that title. Could make literally HUNDREDS of dollars.
Hmmm…how about the most "XXXtreme" company in the biz? ECW had some mighty questionably titled PPV's in it's day. For instance:
Guilty as Charged, Holiday Hell, Anarchy Rulz, Heat Wave, Hardcore Heaven, Living Dangerously.
Oh yeah, porn-ish PPV's are XXXtreme. Considering that Jasmine St. Claire was once part of the roster and at least 2 of their former valets have posed nude, I think ECW has a real advantage over the competition.
I can just hear the RoHbots now wondering why I haven't mentioned that little Super Indy that could. Well they've actually done a pretty good job of keeping it clean.
Hell Freezes Over, Tag Wars 2006, Best In The World, Better Than Our Best, How We Roll, Ring of Homicide, Chi-Town Struggle, Death Before Dishonor, Dragons Gate Challenge.
Well that is except for: Throwdown, Dissension, Destiny, Unscripted II, and In Your Face. Which of course is not of the caliber of "On Your Face", but still an entertaining viewing.
Man, Gabe is serioiusly slipping. If Rob Feinstein was still in charge we'd have some porntastic shows such as : Breast In The World, Tag Whores 2006, How we Ho, and Ring of Homocide. Uh…let's just forget about that last one okay?
The Truth
Well clearly PPV's are the same whether you're tryin' to watch them through the squiggly lines of an Easy 8 motel or downloading them…uh…"legally" on the internet. So there you have it, clear undeniable proof that wrestling and pornography are forever linked. Actually, I guess Vince had a lot to do with that…and on a continuous basis, well at least as far as fake breasted bimbos with no discernable talent goes. God bless his heart. God bless his perverted twisted little black heart.
Coming Up Short
Guys…Samoa Joe has only been in TNA for like…14 months. He has plenty of time to win the Heavyweight Title. Geeez…you saw what happened with Randy Orton right? So calm the hell down. The last thing we need is for Samoa Joe to win the title too soon and end up with nothing else to do, ala AJ Styles. I mean seriously, the guy has held ever TNA title like 37 times. I think a little while longer for Joe to remain beltless will ensure that once his title reign does happen, it won't end up coming up short.
6 Degrees of…
Man… I think I'm going kinda soft in my old age. No, not that kind of "need a blue diamond shaped pill soft" I mean…nevermind. Well this week Chris Wingert made a suggestion that was so crazy I just couldn't say no. that and I was so lazy, I couldn't be bothered to do better. So hold on to your hats as we link the Foot lovin' "7 foot" freak to this man….
Yikes. Old blues eyes and the baby bootin' hoss meister? Well I guess Sinatra probably punched more than a few pregnant ladies in the stomach too. Eh, either way…go get ‘em!!
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Nothing…that's what they're "talkin' bout". Get on the stick people….send me some feedback. Well not for this week's column…it sucks. But maybe next week's. Maybe.
"6 Degrees of….", Results.
3 entries this week makes it pretty easy. Then again this was an unusually strong week from 3 6DO regulars.
#3
Daniel Wilcox is playing the odds this week.
I'm back for my second go at your 6 degrees and by the way, I am undefeated.
Attempts at 6 Degrees: 1
1st Place finishes: 1
That's a 100% record
Anyway:
Masahiro Chono to David Beckham
1) One of Chon's signature moves was the STF (Step-over toe-hold facelock) a move which is currently a finishing move of WWE's John Cena, with the name STF-U
2) John Cena made Triple H tap-out to the STFU on April 2nd 2006 at WrestleMania 22
3) Triple H became the 9th person to lose to The Undertaker at WrestleMania on April 1st 2001
4) Undertaker has had several rivalries with Stone Cold Steve Austin
5) Austin is starring in the 2007 WWE film The Condemned which is rumoured to also feature footballer/actor Vinnie Jones
6) Between 1992-1998, Jones was part of the Wimbledon F.C. aka The Crazy Gang team that conceded this goal to David Beckham
Sorry D-Wil, but you were actually pretty close to the top. I do enjoy a good interactive entry, except you committed a TBT cardinal sin and mentioned the "submission move which must not be named" twice. I've decided that the STFU is less a submission hold as much as it is a nice big hug while your crotch is rubbed up on a man's butt cheeks. Yes. You were probably thinking the exact same thing.
#2.
Mark Satrang takes a shot in the dark as he seems to have no faith in TBT and the driving force that strives to bring you something random each and every week.
B--
I don't know if you're having a column this week or not but here's some filler for ya to pad your column with.
Chono to Beckham...
1-Becks had a movie named after him "Bend It Like Beckham," despite he never appearing in the film. Kiera Knightley did however...
2-Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom hung out together in the insanely successful "Pirates of the Carribbean" franchise..
3-Bloom and Sean Astin hung out together in the insanely successful "Lord of Ring" franchise...
4-Astin and Adam Sandler have worked together in a couple films, including "50 First Dates" and "Click"...
5-Sandler paired up with a lot of sports and wrestling luminaries in "Longest Yard," including Bill Goldberg...
6-Goldberg was apparently shot on by Chono during a match in WCW...
Man, I'm not even sure if "shot" is the correct wording. I mean, you can "shoot" on someone, or be "shooting" on someone, but somehow "shot" just seems weird. Is that just me? I dunno. But regardless, I hate Orlando Bloom. I can't seem to figure out what part he plays in the history of life except for constantly playing second fiddle to a more talented actor. That and dressing up like a fruity fairy who shoots arrows real real good. Good for you Orlando, you have justified your place in the universe. Fruit booty.
#1.
Greg Pryor put out a steady stream of entries this week. Solid, if not spectacular, but hell, works for Chris Benoit right? Or rather it did when he wasn't semi-retired. Or just tired. I think right now he's just tired. Poor wittle wolverine.
Now not being an jolly good English bloke some of my degrees may be a little strange to my North American counterparts...but believe me they are true!! So instead of the tidal wave of entries...heres a mere TYPHOON of entries...entries that will SHOCK the world...Im the MASTER of that you know...these entries are all heavily researched so much effort has gone into them it would take less effort to TUG a BOAT. Sorry I just felt like raggin on Fred Ottman!
Hey B thats sad news about your laptop...start saving up if theres no column I cant be top of 6DO again...and without a war to fight the warrior might as well be dead! (Apollo Creed Rocky IV)
1)David Beckham had a film with his name in called Bend it Like Beckham Which starred a young Keira Knightly
2)Keira Knightly starred in the movie Pirates of The Caribeaan which also starred orlando bloom
3)Orlando Bloom starred in the movie Troy which featured a cameo by Nathan Jones
4)Nathan Jones was part of a team at Survivor Series 2003 captained by Brock Lesnar
5)Brock Lesnar was successful in his match on sd! In July/August 2002 against Hulk Hogan
6)Hulk Hogan defeated Maso Chono on October 13th 2003 in Japan
1)Maso Chono won the NWA Heavyweight title by defeating Rick Rude
2)Rick Rude just before leaving the wwf was involved in a fued with the big bossman
3)The Big Boss Man years later was involved in the infamous kennel from Hell Fued with Al Snow
4)Al Snow won the lost the Hardcore title to Bob Holly at St. Valentines Day Masscare 1999 who was replacing the injured Road Dogg
5)Road Dogg won the Hardcore title by beating Mankind
6)Mankind during a UK only PPV (No Mercy May 1999) got on the Mic and congratulated Manchester United on winning the English Premiership title one of the teams star players David Beckham
1)David Beckham was rumoured to have an affair with Rebecca Loos
2)Rebecca Loos was a participant on the British reality tv show the farm as was Ron Jeremy
3)Ron Jeremy starred in the Boondock Saints along with Willem Dafoe
4)Willem Dafoe starred in Spiderman as did Macho Man Randy Savage
5)Macho Man Randy Savage was in a 6 man tag match at TNA turning point which
also featured Jeff Jarrett
6)Jeff Jarrett attacked Hulk Hogan with the guitar in Japan after Hogans match with Maso Chono.
1)David Beckham plays for football team Real Madrid
2)Madrid is the birthplace of WWE Superstar Glenn Jacobs (Kane)
3)Jacobs had many personas in the WWF before Kane one being Diesel
4)The Original Diesel character was portrayed by Kevin Nash
5)Kevin Nash along with Scott Hall jumped to WCW in May 1996 starting what would become the nWo
6)One part of the nWo was the nWo Japan which featured Maso Chono
1)David Beckham here in the UK is the face of sunglasses brand Police
2)The Police are a band who had such hits as Roxanne
3)Roxanne was also the name of a movie starring Steve Martin
4)Steve Martin voiced character Ray Patterson on Simpsons Episode Trash of the Titans who was head of the Garbage Men
5)Duke the Dumpster Drose was a garbage man in the WWF who won his Free for
all match at the 1996 royal rumble against future DX member HHH
6)Another future DX member was Rick Rude who lost the NWA title to Maso Chono.
Yowza, that was quite a deluge of entries. The main thing I took away from that is…Kane is from Spain. Who knew? Well Greg you blew your shot last time you won 6DO, lets see if you can make up for it this time around.
Left Overs…
Slow news week + No free time = No left overs this week…
Well, okay, fine, maybe just the most important one…
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Okay, for the lack of content this week, I'm just making it up with a few extra RAB's..
oh and…
Yay for replacing content with semi-porn!!
Pimpin' In High Places
No time for real links this week, but as usual check out these fine columns this week. As well as the one really shitty one. Try to figure out which one it is…I dare you:
Your News My Views, The Triple Threat, High Road Load Road, Column of Honor, Hidden Highlights, Evo Scheme, Forgotten Goodness, Meethinks, Top 10, Fact Or Fiction, News From Cook's Corner, The Shimmy…etc…etc….etc. Oh btw, read FACT OR FICTION this week….just…u know…cuz'. *wink wink*
Yeah, I know, I know, this week's column was kinda a clusterfuck, but gimme a break people, I got a lot of stuff going on. I promise that in the next week or so TBT will be back on track. Seriously. With any luck my girlfriend will get her new lap top this week and God willing it will be able to pick up WiFi from my apartment. Too bad it's not actually my WiFi, but I'm sure whose ever it was would be more than willing to share if they knew that by doing so the dozens…and dozens of TBT readers would get their regularly long and drawn out column every week. If not…I got no idea. Man, I just re-read my column and dang...what the hell was I thinking this week? Uh...is there such thing as a "do over" on 411? Oh and I did actually get an inquiry or two about why I didn't respond to a certain columnist's "shoot" comments on me last week. To be fair, I had already submitted my column before I even found out about it. and to be honest, it's freedom of speech and I respect anyone who speaks their mind and is unafraid to be open and honest about their opinions. So to that end, I only have this to say to that individual. Touchae. No wait, that isn't spelled right. No wait…I got it, I mean to say: Douchè!
