Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 09.07.06: Scratching Fleas
Posted by Ryan Byers on 09.07.2006
The sub-title makes no sense, so maybe I should just make you aware that this column contains my review of what may be the worst pay per view of all time. That alone should entice you to read further.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. As always, I'm here to unearth some of the best deals on professional wrestling footage, and I'm ready to begin with that task right now.
Cheap Wrestling Tip #48: Flea Markets
The flea market is a fine American tradition at which individuals convene to peddle inexpensive wares. The majority of items at flea markets wind up being completely and utterly useless . . . tiny class trinkets that a sixty year old woman made, lousy kids' toys that break thirty seconds after they're purchased, and lots of stuff with Old Glory emblazened on it. Depending on the sort of flea market that you're visiting, the goods on display could be either second hand or sold for the first time. They could be either completely legitimate or bootlegged. However, if you're willing to go to enough of these damn things, you will eventually find some footage from wrestling's glory days. I don't know how it winds up there, and I tend not to ask, mainly because I don't want to make more than thirty seconds of eye contact with the people running these booths. Besides, it's there and it's inexpensive, what is there to question?
Here's one example of what I was able to find . . .
Title: Uncensored Released By: WCW Release Year: 1995 Run Time: 180 minutes Found At: A Flea Market Price: $6
A lot of people have said a lot of bad things about WCW. However, despite the fact that the company may have done a lot of really stupid things throughout its history, you can always say one positive thing about them. No matter what, WCW was always willing to try something different. Yet, at the same time, there were numerous occasions when that "something different" would turn in to a miserable failure. Witness, for example, nWo Souled Out . . . a pay per view hosted by a heel stable full of matches that favored their stars. Unique, but it bombed. The same could be said for WCW Uncensored, an entire event which was supposedly not sanctioned by WCW and full of gimmick matches that would take major feuds to the next level. This failed too, and is now considered one of the worst pay per views in history. Let's take a look at just why.
We start out with a three-shot of Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, and "Iron" Mike Tenay. Why does everybody named Mike immediately get the "Iron" nickname, and why don't any other names have similar correlations? It's always struck me as a little odd, and I finally have a public forum in which to vent about it. Thank god for that. However, curse god for bringing us one of the stupidest angles of all time leading in to this pay per view, which the announcers waste no time in setting up. Ric Flair had lost a career vs. career match to Hulk Hogan at the preceding Halloween Havoc (another horrid show), and Hogan had been feuding with Vader in the interim. Flair obviously held a grudge against the man who ended his career and, as such, was going to be in Vader's corner at Uncensored. Why could he be there? Because it's UNCENSORED, which the announce team repeatedly drives home throughout the night.
In order to counter Flair, Hogan wound up recruiting an "ultimate surprise," the man who he claimed would lead Hulkamania in to the 21st century. Despite numerous implications to the contrary, it wasn't the Ultimate Warrior. Instead, we got the Renegade. Yes, the Renegade, and I'm sure you've all heard more than enough about him. Could things get any MORE exciting? You're DAMN SKIPPY! Apparently Hogan's manager Jimmy Hart has completely disappeared, and the fingers are being pointed at our heel faction. Don't ask me how a Jimmy Hart disappearance was supposed to generate a ton of last minute buys. It's UNCENSORED!
Oh yeah, there's some non-Hogan stuff on the show too, ya know?
Match Numero Uno: Dustin Rhodes vs. The Blacktop Bully in a King of the Road Match
Whooo baby, where do we start with this one? The Bully is Barry Darsow, and he entered WCW as an obnoxious trucker who would sit in the front row of various events heckling wrestlers, particularly the Natural. This all somehow lead to a match, but not just any match. It was the first ever King of the Road match. The two men are on the back of a flatbed semi-truck, which has been fenced in by chicken wire and two by fours. The winner is the first to climb up the side of the structure and blow a horn hanging near the top of the truck's cab. Okay, so it's a cage match, right? Wrong. The truck is driving down the road, and it's reportedly moving at 55 miles per hour. It actually looks a lot more like 20 MPH (if that), and there are plenty more flaws where that came from. The truck is partitioned in to two sections by a board extending across the width of the bed, and the two men begin in the back. They both rush toward the front of the truck where the horn is, and Rhodes has a rather sizable head start until Darsow cuts him off with a low blow. He follows up with a double sledge and then sends Rhodes in to the side of the cage but simply trips and falls when attempting to perform the complex wrestling move known as walking. The Bully then tosses his man in to the back section of the truck and follows him there, where he sends him in to the fencing for a second time. The Bully goes for the horn, and Rhodes was in hot pursuit before he randomly decided to climb up the side of the cage. Just as randomly as he got up there, he gets down, leaving Darsow at the top of the cage with one leg hanging outside. Rhodes manages to knock him off with a fence post that is in the back of the truck for some reason. Okay, so maybe it was a truck hauling a load of fence posts. I can accept that. The Natural follows up with some punches and even manages to hit a piledriver. Dustin then grabs a bar running across the top of the cage and swings forward in to a kick to the Bully's chest. Rather than going for the horn, he tosses a bail of hay down on to the Bully. Okay, so maybe it was a truck hauling fence posts and hay. I can accept that. Oddly, Barry no sells the hay and comes back with a vertical suplex, followed by some choking with a good old piece of rope. Okay, so maybe it was a truck hauling fence posts, hay, and some rope. I can accept that. The rope doesn't keep Rhodes down for long, however, as he comes back by throwing a bucket of water at the former Demolition member.
Okay, so maybe it was a truck hauling fence posts, hay, rope, and buckets of water. I can acce . . . oh, fuck it, this is just getting ridiculous. Night is starting to fall as Dustin climbs up the side of the cage once again, but he falls down rather quickly. Apparently, the force of the fall was so great that it jarred the sun back up on to the other side of the horizon, because it's day again as soon as he gets up. Sadly, stuff like that happens more than once throughout the match. The two men trade a few punches en route to Dustin getting a backdrop suplex, but he again walks in to the back of the truck as opposed to moving forwards toward the horn. He comes back to the front of the truck and slams a crate that he happened to find in to the vehicle. Rhodes nails Double B as the cameras cut to a shot of several mobile homes in the background, which Heenan refers to as Tupelo, Mississippi's version of the condo. Scenic shots of farmland follow, as I begin to think that I might have accidentally switched over to the Travel Channel at some point. Sadly, that's not the case, as the cameras come back to the match and Dustin Rhodes slamming a trough in to his opponent's head. At this point the truck comes to a stop as it waits for a "church bus" to pass by according to Schiavone. I can understand all things holy wanting to escape the vicinity of this abomination. Darsow uses the stop to climb again, and Rhodes follows as the two battle it out while clinging to the cage rim. Both men wind up falling off (unfortunately to the inside of the cage), and Darsow gets the upper hand with another water bucket. The Bully then throws himself off of the dividing board and down on to Rhodes with a flying tackle, and the two wind up climbing again. They're on opposite sides of the horn vying for the honk, and Dustin goes to the eyes. Oddly enough, that doesn't work out for him so well, and he falls off. That leaves the Blacktop Bully to toot the horn and win the first and hopefully last King of the Road match.
Match Thoughts: Um, right. I will say that I respect the two men, especially Darsow, for attempting to work this match. Although the vehicle obviously wasn't moving at the advertised fifty-five miles per hour, there was still a very real threat of injury resulting from either attempting wrestling moves in a moving vehicle or hanging on the edge of the cage, perilously close to the road. However, this was hardly a wrestling match at all. The footage shot was heavily edited and in some cases even placed in different sequences in order to generate a final product that was anything but cohesive. The gimmick of motion limited far too much of what traditionally makes up a wrestling match, and the heavy editing makes me hesitant to even call it a match. 3/4*
Back in the arena, we have pyro. Pyro that was completely unsanctioned by WCW, because this is UNCENSORED!
Match Numero Dos: Meng w/ Col. Robert Parker vs. Jim Duggan in a martial arts match
Our special guest referee for this contest is Sonny Ono, prior to his becoming a heel manager. At this point, he was simply Eric Bischoff's karate fighter friend who happened to be an important link in the working agreement between WCW and New Japan Pro Wrestling. Ono's first action as an on screen personality in WCW is attempting to coax Hacksaw in to bowing to his opponent before the start of the martial arts match, which is apparently standard operating procedure. Just like any arrogant American would do, Duggan refuses to bow, and, after several minutes of the routine, he makes fun of the custom. This is misinterpreted by Ono as a legitimate bow, and we get the bell to start things off. Heenan gets in killer line two of the night, responding to Schiavone whining about how Duggan is at a disadvantage in a martial arts match. Brain: "He's at a disadvantage every time he wakes up." Ah, to be a heel announcer. You get a live mic and the ability to be a prick for three hour stretches of time. And people pay you to do it . . . where the hell do I sign up? Anyway, Meng starts off on the offensive, kicking Duggan and no-selling his punches. The man from Tonga replies with some chops that take Jimmy boy down, and Duggan takes off his boot. The boot shots are not sold by Meng either, and he comes down on Duggan with a bionic elbow before applying the nerve hold. Duggan takes off his other boot while he's in the hold, but misses with his might swing and falls victim to a choke hold from the former bodyguard. Have you noticed any difference between this martial arts match and a normal professional wrestling match yet? Neither have I, and it stays that way up until the finish. Duggan punches out of the choke hold, but Meng responds in kind and reapplies the nerve pinch, seemingly just so Hacksaw can elbow his way out of it. Some shoulderblocks from the patriot fail miserably, and Meng chops his man in the throat leading up to, you guessed it, more choking! Jim temporarily comes back with a cheap shot over Ono's head, but Meng puts him on his back again with a single chop and chokes away some more, just like Bruce Lee used to do. The nerve hold is slapped on for a third time, and Hacksaw's big babyface comeback culminates in him headbutting Meng, which actually knocks DUGGAN out. Those wacky Polynesians and their rock hard heads. More choking results, but Meng misses a couple of elbowdrops and eats the ten punch spot in the corner. Duggan then goes after Ono despite a complete lack of bias in the officiating, and Meng takes the opportunity to get on top of things once more. Duggan rallies and goes for his three point stance clothesline, but Meng doesn't sell it! I've been waiting for twenty years to see that! Rather than trying to go after Meng again, Duggan nails Rob Parker en route to turning around and being blasted in the face with Meng's kick o' fear for three.
Match Thoughts: Where do I start with this one? It's one of those bouts where the recap makes it seem much shorter than it actually was, simply because there was a whole lot of absolute NOTHING going on, and I refuse to repeatedly type things like "they're standing there now . . .still standing there . . . still standing there." There was no variance in the offence whatsoever, as everything was kick/choke/punch/kick, although I can't say I was expecting much more from these two. What's even worse was that the whole thing seemed devoid of transition. One man would just take a beating, decide it was his turn to be in the driver's seat, and then pop up to kick a little butt. Add to that a guest referee and a stipulation that did zero to add to the match, and I'm not a happy camper. 3/4*
Tonight, because it's UNCENSORED!, the first minute on the WCW hotline is free! If you call in now you can talk to some vanilla jobber who'll probably be out of the business five years from now . . . Stunning Steve something or other. Hey, is that Terry Taylor interviewing him?! Hell yeah, lemme call up just to talk to the Taylor Made Man!
Match Numero Tres: Johnny B. Badd w/ Rock Finnegan vs. WCW Television Champion Arn Anderson w/ Col. Robert Parker in a Boxer vs. Wrestler match
If I were trying to book a promotion in to the ground, the first thing I would do would be to put a guy in to a boxer vs. wrestler match against a mystery opponent and then reveal the mystery man to actually be a dog. Because "boxer" is a breed of dog, you see. That's why it's funny.
Anyway, we've got Randy Anderson refereeing this match, presumably because he's as much of an expert when it comes to boxing as Sonny Ono is when it comes to "martial arts." Tony tells us we're scheduled to go for ten three minute rounds, and I think we all would've gagged had that been the case. The first round is essentially Arn getting hammered for three straight minutes, as he continually tries to grab some part of Johnny's body to take him down but never actually manages. Double A does get in a kneelift, but it's pretty much all Johnny punching as the first round comes to an end. Round two is more of the same, as Arn is knocked down for an eight count. He finally does manage to grab a leg, but he misses his elbowdrop follow-up and gets pummeled some more as a result. Badd still dominates, and the round ends as Anderson goes down for the third time. Schiavone, believe it or not, does something useful by noting that there is no TKO rule. Finally, Arn manages to get some offense in during the rest period, as he CHEATS LIKE A BASTARD and gives Mero a big DDT in the center of the ring. Hey, I'm not complaining. Finnegan gets Badd over in the corner and sells the whole thing like Arn just gave him a paltry shove, but the champ breaks it up by ambushing his opponent before the rest period is even over. Badd is tossed over the top rope, and he astutely notes to Randy that there are, in fact, no DQ's tonight . . . IT'S UNCENSORED! Round three finally starts officially, and now it's Anderson's turn to dominate. He gets in a slam and goes to the eyes before choking the holy hell out of Badd and running his eyes across the top rope. A kneelift and some shoulders to the guy follow, and Col. Parker holds a stool up in the corner for Badd to be whipped in to! Arn looks to follow up . . . SPINEBUSTER! YEAH, BABY! Great one-two combo there, but Rock jumps on Anderson's back before he can actually capitalize. He's tossed out of the ring, and Double A goes right back to work on Badd, scoring with a jawbreaker. Badd manages to get in another flurry of punches, but Anderson tosses him to the outside to break that one up. The round comes to an end on that scene, and Anderson throws Badd over in to the corner with Rock. Finnegan decides that it's time to cut off Johnny's glove, and Anderson ambushes again before round four can actually start. Arn applies a headlock but gets shoved in to the turnbuckle by Badd, where Finnegan throws Johnny's spit bucket on to the champ's head. Badd nails the bucket with a right, then slips off his left and blasts the Enforcer as soon as the bucket comes off. That's enough for the ten count, and Johnny B. Badd is your winner.
Match Thoughts: Well, this was definitely better than I was expecting it to be, but my expectations were pretty damn low after those first two matches. They did everything right in the bout to keep the crowd in to it, and I miss Arn Anderson's spinebusters more and more every time I see one. However, the boxing exhibition in the first couple of rounds wasn't exactly the most exciting thing in the world, nor were the lame Rock Finnegan pep talks we were forced to endure during the rest periods. We'll call it *1/2.
Match Numero Cuatro: Randy Savage vs. Avalanche
And we jump from two longtime WCW favorites to the parade of Hulk Hogan's friends. Savage runs in like a madman and ambushes the bigger man to start, rocking him with a series of jabs. Tenta tries to come back with an avalanche (hence the name, I suppose) but misses, and Randy slaps on a headlock. The Macho Man is shoved off, and his repeated shoulderblocks fail, so he just slaps the guy. Makes sense to me. Avalanche responds by taking Randy off of his feet with a sholderblock, but Savage ducks a second . . . AND JOHN TENTA GOES SAILING OVER THE TOP ROPE AND TO THE FLOOR! Holy shit! Savage follows him out with a cross body from the top rope and sends the future Shark in to the post and stairs before we head back to the ring. Savage stupidly attempts a body slam, but ‘Quake falls on top for two and drops the legdrop/elbowdrop combo. That sets up the EARTHQUAKE FLEX! Definitely one of my favorite taunts in all of wrestling. See, he's big, and he flexes, but there's really no muscle to show. Gotta love it. Johnny boy stays on top with a belly to belly suplex and busts out a dropkick of all things! Dear god, did somebody tell Tenta they were going to kill his daughter if he didn't show some fire tonight? That surprising move gets two, but Savage puts his foot under the bottom rope to stop it. A slam follows for Tenta, but he misses his attempt to hit an elbowdrop. He recovers quickly and tosses the Macho Man out of the ring, and Savage actually takes a really nice looking bump off of it. Randy then gets posted, failing to get his hands up for protection, and we head back to the inside . . . or so I thought. Tenta plays the little game where the mammoth heel keeps swatting the smaller babyface off of the ring apron, which I always enjoy. When Avalanche tires of that, he tries to suplex Savage back in to the ring, but that's a no go. He transforms the move in to a neck snap over the top rope and tackles the big man off of the top rope for a one count. A series of lariats from the Macho Man do absolutely no good, and he then proves he's the stupidest man ever by going for a sunset flip. Tenta squashes him like a bug and steps on the man's chest before hitting a big splash for two. A slam sets up the Hogan-killer ass splash, but Randy roles out of the way at the last second. He then runs in to a back elbow from Savage, who rolls the former sumo star up for two. Macho goes up to the high rent district but gets caught coming off, and he's dropped down on to the turnbuckle. Big John then goes up to the second rope (again with the eerie motivation levels), but his attempt at a splash misses. This allows Savage to go up again. Tenta bails to get out of the way, but Randy adjusts and hits him with a double sledge down to the floor.
Then it happens. IT happens. A "woman" jumps out of the crowd and immediately begins assaulting Savage. Heenan speculates that it might be Sherri, but, as the figure gets in to the ring and starts strutting, everybody comes to realize that it's Ric Flair. Flair's assault sets up a slam and an ass splash from Avalanche before Hogan runs in and chases the bad guys away. Then, get this . . . Savage is announced as the winner by DQ. Thirty seconds beforehand, Schiavone had said that the match would continue despite the woman's interference, and they've been plugging all night that this is the show with NO FREAKING DQ'S. "Hulk's confused," says Tony. So are we all, my friend.
Match Thoughts: The ending was so obviously moronic that I don't think I really have to get in to it anymore. A lot of people are really down on the whole Flair in drag bit, but I personally don't mind it nearly as much as the totally illogical DQ. The drag run-in routine was actually used a good deal back in the territorial days, and I thought it was a nice nod to that era. As for the match itself, I thought it was going a lot better than it had any right to be before the big sack of stupid got tacked on to the end. Tenta was pulling out stuff that I forgot he could do, which is doubly impressive due to the fact that he didn't look to be in the best shape of his career during this one. Meanwhile, Savage was his usual loveable whack job self, bringing the intensity and really making you believe that he had the ability to take this monster of a man down. **, and it obviously could've done a lot better if the ending wasn't mind numbing.
Match Numero Cinco: Sting vs. Big Bubba Rogers
The Stinger, not unlike the babyfaces in the two previous matches, starts off incredibly strong by biting Bubba and then stomping on his fingers. There's the a big punch to the gut off of the ropes, and the Stinger puts on Bubba's hat while choking the man with his own jacket. Why isn't he getting DQ'ed like Earthquake? A dropkick sends Bubber out of the ring, and they do a bit right off of a house show card, where Sting teases destroying the hat, much to Bubba's chagrin. He does it too, as the poor chapeau gets a legdrop despite its doing absolutely nothing wrong. Rogers is so enraged that he heads back in to the ring, only to get back body dropped for his trouble. Sting stays on him by going to the eyes and getting in a kick to the face, followed up by a slam and an elbowdrop. Our valiant hero gouges the eyes again before sending his opponent in to the turnbuckle twice, and Bubba is once again sent to the outside, this time by a simple punch. The former Bossman tries to crotch his opponent on the ringpost, but he can't even get THAT right, as the Stinger kicks him off with no trouble whatsoever. Back on the inside, Sting piefaces Rogers with his foot, and a big splash from Sting hits. Up next, the bleached blond goes for an Irish whip, but Mr. Traylor slides out to the arena floor. Back on the inside, we run the ropes again, and the match takes a big turning point as Sting goes for a leapfrog but doesn't get up quite high enough, clipping his knee against Big Bubba's head. Bubba immediately clamps down on the limb like Arn and Ole on to a bad arm, kicking it down and applying a legbar. A legdrop follows up, and Tony again impresses by referring back to the serious knee injury that Sting suffered early in his WCW run. Traylor continues to wrench away on the knee joint and even stands on it, as Sting valiantly attempts to make a comeback. Our babyface does get in a few punches (being sure to put no weight on the leg in the process), but the Boss kicks it and applies a standing toe hold, laying in some slaps for good measure. Big Ray then gets off of the leg for a bit, draping the Stinger across the ropes and dropping his weight across the man's back. The slide outside punch follows, and the former bodyguard sets up for a piledriver, only to have Sting reverse it. That kills his knee, however, and Bubba goes right back to the toe hold, getting repeated two counts from it. A bit more twisting leads in to what looks to be a proto-version of the ankle lock, and Ray follows by dropping his knee down on the injured body part. A slam is next from our heel, and he goes up top but slips and falls, buying the Stinger some time. Sting goes up and drops a fist, which is stupid because it only hurts his knee more. He then pops off a bodyslam, which is equally as dumb for the same reason. Our hero then gets in some rather smart offense by applying the sleeper, letting go just long enough to ram Bubba in to the turnbuckle, and then reapplying the hold.
The Boss gets out of that by using his tie to assist in a jawbreaker, and he takes a wild swing at Sting, but the former champion dodges and drops Traylor with WICKED German suplex! Straight down on to the shoulders and neck with that one. A top rope splash from the Stinger gets two, and he follows up with a back elbow. However, as Traylor rebounds off of the ropes, he falls forward and inadvertently clips Sting's bad knee. A blind charge by Bubba is avoided, and Stinger goes for a bodyslam, but his bad joint finally gives way, and the man from Cobb Count falls on top for a three count in a major upset.
Match Thoughts: Simply put, this is probably the best US match that you'll ever see out of Ray Traylor EVER. At least it's the best one I've seen from him. The story with the knee was executed to near perfection, as Sting hobbled on it the whole time and never pulled off any knee related offense without stopping to sell the injury. In fact, one of my favorite parts of the whole bout was how the knee was "injured" in the first place, as it looked so awkward that I couldn't tell if the whole bit was real or not when I first watched the match. (On repeated viewings, though, it obviously is. Schiavone does have the exact dates for Sting's previous knee injuries, after all.) Anyway, this is a fabulous bout in terms of psychology, and it even managed to factor in to the finish. It's really a bizarre fluke of a match given who's in it and what card it's on, but that doesn't make it any less good. ***3/4
Match Numero Seis: WCW World Tag Team Champions Harlem Heat w/ Sister Sherri vs. The Nasty Boys in a Texas tornado match
While doing the introductions, Gary Michael Capetta tries for "Sista" Sherri, and it fails to the point of being comical. The Heat actually don't come out with Sherri, leaving the Nasties really confused, because apparently they've never watched wrestling before in their lives. Naturally, the champs bushwhack them from the audience, and it's on. By the way, if anybody doesn't know, Texas tornado rules essentially mean that the tag rule is out the window, and anybody can do anything that they want. There's a whole lot of punching going on in the early going, and the Heat dominates, as Stevie Ray takes Knobs down with a lariat, while Booker gets in a side kick on Sags before posting him. The brothers team up in the ring to deliver a stuff piledriver to Knobs, and then they toss Sags off to the apron before some more generic brawling breaks out. T gets in a Yakuza kick on Sags, but it's no sold for some reason, and some punch trading leads the two men out to the floor, where Booker is posted. Back on the inside, the Nasties get a double fist in on Stevie Ray, and Sherri is pulled in to the ring for a Pit Stop. (Or "Pity City," take your pick.) That allows the Harlem Heat to ambush the faces once again, but the Boys are quickly back in control, stuffing Stevie Ray in to a trash can on the outside, while Booker is tossed over the top rope by Knobs. All five parties involved in the match then dance their way back to the entrance, where a horrible gimmicked "concession area" has been set up. Yes, three little wooden booths are standing there, completely gated off from the audience by the security barriers. I'll bet that guy's business was booming.
It's here that things REALLY go downhill, as food and beverages are strewn all over the floor, and the wrestling match turns in to more of a "Who can fall down the most?" contest. Highlights include Stevie Ray using cotton candy to smother Jerry Sags. Knobs falls! Booker falls! Sherri falls! Mustard comes in to play, as everybody gets covered in the condiment. Booker falls! Sherri falls! Stevie falls! Somewhere in the mess, Booker gets a two count on Knobs, and Sags lays a lariat on to Stevie Ray. Knobs is then tossed through one of the stands by Book, and the thing is so shoddily constructed that it just folds up under his weight. Then we're treated to a shot of Sags headbutting Stevie Ray in the groin, as the bell rings and the Nasty Boys are declared the winners. I thought maybe there was some sort of weird Montreal thing going on, but it turns out that the camera completely missed Knobs pinning Booker after a front slam on the remnants of one of the stands.
Match Thoughts: Much like the Duggan/Meng match, this was much longer than I could've possibly made it sound, and the whole thing was just horrendous. Even when the two teams were in the ring or at the ringside area, there was just no structure whatsoever, and random stuff was just happening everywhere. Even in a good hardcore brawl you've got to have some deal of coherency for things to work out, and this was missing that all together. I don't think that I have to offer up any further description of how wrong all of the concession stuff was, either. Why have your wrestlers fight around on a liquid soaked concrete surface? That's just begging for a torn ACL. 3/4*
Match Numero Siete: WCW World Heavyweight Champion Hulk Hogan w/ The Renegade vs. WCW United States Champion Vader w/ Ric Flair in a leather strap match
Michael Buffer is out to do the introductions, and that always leads to a big heap o' fun. He immediately screws things up by announcing that this match has been sanctioned by the WCW board of directors, which takes the entire gimmick for the whole evening and flushes it down the toilet (again). Hogan, Flair, and Vader wind up in the ring together after the introductions, and Vader shoves the referee out of the ring, which is the last we'll see of him for the night. The heels tease ambushing Hogan as soon as he puts the strap around his wrist, but our hero is saved by some music that sounds eerily like the Ultimate Warrior's old theme. Yes, cue the Renegade. The crowd actually seems to buy in to the knock-off as well, and Flair gets chased around by the brute. That allows Hogan to take over on Vader, as he chokes the big man and punches him on the outside. Back on the inside, the Hulkster goes to the eyes and chokes some more before breaking out the big bite. You want revolutionary offense? You got it. The focus shifts to the Renegade chasing Flair around ringside as Hulk fires off some kneelifts in the corner and, surprise surprise, whips Vader. Flair then inserts himself in to the ring, but Renegade grabs his legs and holds him for Hogan to get in some strap shots on the Nature Boy. Renegade no sells some of Flair's chops and runs him off while Hogan takes Vader off of his feet with a single punch on the inside. Vader rolls out, but Mr. Wilson plays lumberjack and sends Big Van back in.
Fortunately, Vader mounts a comeback to keep this from having been a complete squash, as he gets in a front slam and a Vader Bomb out of virtually nowhere. You'd think that would at least be a tease for the finish, but no. Vader chokes and whips away as Jimmy Hart runs down to the ringside area, with his clothes tattered and limbs covered in tape. Yes, apparently this is the payoff to the big angle that the announcers have managed to mention during every match through the course of the evening. The payoff is seeing Jimmy Hart's naked chest. Damn. Anyway, Hogan rolls out of the ring as a result of his being assaulted, and it looks like Vader is about to use the dreaded steel chair, but Hart pulls it out of his hands. Good to see the Renegade doing his job. Vader turns to confront the Mouth of the South, allowing the Hulkster to grab the chair and use it on his opponent not once, not twice, but thrice. Hogan the backs up and takes a running chairshot at Vader, which also connects. Up next on Hulk's offensive checklist: Whip? Check. Choke? Check. Chair? Check. Fabulous, everybody's present and accounted for. Then Hulk rolls in to the ring and out the other side, which is a setup for him to use the strap to post Vader, which he does three times in rapid succession . . . and, hell, let's hit him with the chair one more time just for fun. Oh yeah, and because we haven't gotten the point yet, let's make Ric Flair run away from the Renegade again.
Hogan and Vader get back in to the ring, and Hulk crotches his man with the strap repeatedly, leading up to more whipping. Vader is then tossed from the ring and slammed on the floor, as Hogan doesn't even bother to pretend that the slam took the tiniest amount of effort. The Hulkster slaps two of the posts on the outside, which I'm guessing is just as good as touching the turnbuckles, but Vader breaks it by using the strap to whip him in to the guardrail. Back on the inside, the Baby Bull connects with a version of the chokeslam and a pump splash before whipping the opposition some more. A vertical suplex then connects from the big man, but he failed to realize that it's Hulk up time. The typical routine follows, and Hogan manages to pull Vader to three of the four turnbuckles after the legdrop, but Vader grabs the bottom rope as Hulk advances to the fourth. That allows a masked man to run in and distract Hogan, a continuation of an angle from the previous Clash of the Champions. Flair runs in and hits Hogan with the Kevin Sullivan Memorial Wooden Chair as a result, and all of the heels beat down the Hulk as Renegade stands on the outside, absolutely failing to do anything about it. Flair eventually pops out and corks Renegade with another Sullivan Chair while Vader makes it to turnbuckle number three on the inside.
Just as Mr. White is about to win, Flair rolls back in and prevents him from going to the fourth turnbuckle, claiming Vader should climb the ropes instead. Vader goes up to the second rope and misses a somersault press on to Hogan, planting his back firmly in to Sullivan Chair #3 in the process. Flair pulls Vader out of the ring for his own protection and goes after Hogan with Sullivan Chair #4, which Hulkster eats en route to Hulking up again. He dispatches Flair with the big boot and rips off his shirt before dragging the Nature Boy to all four corners of the ring. The bell sounds, as Hogan presumably won by dragging somebody other than his opponent, which makes you wonder why Jimmy Hart didn't just jump in to the strap and help Hulkster out by getting dragged around. I guess babyfaces are dumb. After the "win" Vader comes back in and assaults Hulk briefly, but the man from Venice Beach makes his own damn comeback against both Flair and Vader. Renegade comes in to scare them a bit, but Bollea made sure that he was the one to fire off all of the relevant shots. The two camps stare each other down before the masked man comes back with a chair...
It looks like the heels are about to take control, but we can't have that in the Hogan regime, oh no. Suddenly, a bound and gagged Arn Anderson stumbles out from backstage wearing what appears to be the previous masked man outfit, sans mask. At the same time, the masked man in the ring helps the good guys dispatch the bad guys and unmasks to be Randy Savage. Tupelo is happy, everybody celebrates, and the credits roll.
Match Thoughts: Much like the Nasties/Harlem Heat match, there was absolutely no structure whatsoever to this one. They seemed to go for the "more is better" approach with repeated chairshots, post shots, guardrail shots, and whatever else they could possible come up with, but it didn't work out. Why? Because when you use those sorts of things with no drama or build, they just wind up becoming everyday offensive moves as opposed to killer shots that take the match to the next level. And can I just say that Vader was selling far too much? Yeah, he was. *1/4
Overall
Though there was one match that was MUCH better than expected, Uncensored still managed to live up to its billing as one of the worst pay per views ever produced by a major wrestling promotion. Though the concept itself wasn't necessarily a bad one, it was ruined by either having gimmick matches where the workers involved really couldn't carry the gimmick (Hogan/Vader), the gimmick was stupid in and of itself (Rhodes/Bully), or the gimmick was completely ignored (Meng/Duggan, Savage/Avalanche). Unless you want to see Ray Traylor's finest moment, avoid this one at all costs. It doesn't even get bad enough to reach the level of perversely entertaining. Instead, it hovers right above that level and taunts you, as if to say, "Hey, look at me, I suck. If I sucked a little more I could be funny, but I suck just enough to make you as miserable as possible! Ha ha!"
