Truth B Told 9.07.06: Worst Case Scenario
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 09.07.2006
Hey, it could be worse, at least I haven't seen a "HOO-RAH" t-shirt yet.
What the heck is with all this doom and gloom lately? It seems like Kurt Angle's dismissal/release/debacle has set off a firestorm of speculation lately. Well on the horizon it looks like Chris Benoit is coming back. Although it looks like Rey Rey will be taking some time off. JBL is doing pretty well as a commentator, although who knows when or if he'll come back to the ring. Undertaker is...well, working...sometimes...when he feels like it. Then again HBK is set to take some time off too. And as far as The Rock or Chris Jericho coming back? Forget about it. Oh yeah, and suck in all the Trish Stratus you can now...I know I would. With a straw. Wow, perhaps things are pretty bad after all. But you know, things could always get worse. How worse? Well TBT is your guide to the WWE's Worst Case Scenerios. So sit back and be glad that none of these sad fates are befalling your favorite wrestlers...at least for now. Muahahahahahahah!! Ha!! *cough cough* Ha:
Straight Edgy
After an initial drug screening by a "Dr. Levesque" and an additional requested back up test by a "Dr. Hickenbottom", CM Punk inexplicably falls victim to the wellness program. Swearing that is was simply all the poppy seed muffins he's been eating...off Maria's ass, CM Punk is then suspended for 90 days. During that time Justin Credible, Balls Mahoney, Sandman, Sabu, and RVD all quit ECW figuring that they don't stand a chance in HELL of passing if Punk didn't. This leads to Mike Knox gettin' a push as the top face for ECW and eventually winning the title off of Big Show. Mike Knox then forms his own stable called the "Skool of Hard Knox". Eventually CM Punk returns in 90 days as is informed that he will now serve as the "Stevie" to Knox's Raven. Punk is then seen crying in his locker as he cuts all of his shirts in half at the mid-drift point while chugging a fifth of Hennessey.
Masters of the Puniverse
Wellness strikes again as the former "Masterpiece" Chris Masters seems to be practically dehydrating each week before our very eyes. In a last ditch effort to utilize the now rapidly balding and shrinking Masters the WWE decides to pull out another old storyline and sends him over to Smackdown after his losses keep piling up to Super Crazy. Masters spends about 3 weeks at Smackdown while losing to Paul London, Jamie Noble, and finally Funaki. Masters then ‘disappears' for 2 months.
When he returns he is put directly on RAW to rekindle his feud with Super Crazy as… "The LuchaPiece" El Hombre Blanco. This lasts 3 weeks as El Hombre Blanco is absolutely horrible. His first match in sees him hit exactly ½ head scissors, a botched "BlancoCanrana", and his new flashier finisher, the tornado…LuchaLock. His twisting "Mexicali Hammer" injures Super Crazy after their second match and he is finally dispatched the 3rd week as Rey Misterio makes a one time appearance in a "Loser Leaves Lucha" match. The next month Masters is repackaged as an Infomercial Gugu hocking his newest invention, the spray on toupee called "The Master Hairpiece".
That's not Cool, eh?
Having become more increasingly frustrated by the way he is being used Carlito finally lashes out backstage. Unfortunately he directs that tirade at one, Johnny Ace. Carlito is then immediately moved back to Smackdown, although this time he is moved back as a full on heel. Carlito is still being cheered by the fans when the "creative" writing staff decide to re-package him in a way that would guarantee he would become a heel to the fans, thus is born: Carlito "Canadian" Cool. Carlito's heel run is then actually becoming somewhat successful as his newest trademark, takin' a big bite of his hot "bacon" and Cheese sandwich and spitting it at his opponent in the ‘Centre' of the ring. Carlito dubs himself, "Kilogram for Kilogram" the best Canadian athlete in wrestling today. Just as Carlito is getting over Johnny Ace decides it would be a great idea to feud him with another wrestling claiming to be the best Canadian wrestler in the business: "Sexual Chocolate Moose" Mark Henry. 2 weeks after Carlito is put on the injured list with a 2 torn hamstrings, a ruptured disc in his back and a bite mark on his forehead.
Get yer' Boogey On
The Boogeyman makes his triumphant return…to ECW. It looks like a match made in heaven as the Sci-Fi channel is pleased with the character and it's near cult-like following. So much so that they convince Vince to bring back The Zombie to team up with Boogey and the newly face turned Vampire. This band of scary misfits runs wild over the ECW roster. Soon they get more and more interview segments, then they start making small cameos on other original Sci-Fi channel shows, of course the first action figures come out. Then the unimaginable happens, the WWE releases their first wrestler induced ceral. Boogeyberry Cereal is a HIT with the kids. Unfortunately the ‘toy surprise' isn't such a great hit as real life live worms are put into every box of cereal. After the lawsuits are settled Boogeyman gets injured again, Kevin Thorn is released, and the only remaining member, The Zombie, is stuck on a slow moving treadmill to lower cardville. Population CW Anderson.
The Passion of HBK
HBK becomes more and more agitated with Vince's insistence on using what he deems "blastphemous" references in his promos. The culmination of this hits when Vince debuts Boris Alexiev and Jack Bull from OVW as an atheist tag team called "The Heretics". HBK, still fuming over having to put over Umaga and his thumb of doom, is furious over having to put this character over. HBK is beaten 3 times in a row by their double team Crucifix Powerbomb known as the "Faith No More". HBK finally has enough and quits and joins TNA. 3 months later he debuts with a returning Sting and teams up with AJ Styles in a stable known as "The Reservoir Dogmas".
He's Hardcore Alright
Hurting for talent to replace the recent exodus from ECW, Val Venis is added to the roster under his previous gimmick as a porn star. His first match is against Mike Knox and after Knox beats him by cheating, Venis gets some measure of retribution by giving Kelly Kelly the top rope splash. He then beats Nunzio and afterwards gives Trinity the same splash from the top rope. Val Venis cuts a promo in the ring that he'll be more than glad to give any woman in ECW the "money shot", just make sure to open your mouth and say ahhhhh. He is then interrupted and confronted by Rene Dupress who claims that HE is the most "hardcore" star in all of ECW. He calls Venis a coward and says that only a coward would give a woman a "Money Shot" and that he's a real man, and as a real man, will give any man in the ECW a "money shot" that stands in his way.
Over the weeks the two battle and each time Venis prepares for the "Money shot" on Dupree he sees Dupree smiling down below and opening his mouth with his eyes closed. He stops and ends up rolling him up with the tights or winning by count out. Each week Dupree cuts a vignette similar to Val Venis' old ones as he talks about each of his adult films like: Shaving Brian's Privates, Butt Pirates of the Caribbean, and Harry Peter and the Purple Head Snake Charmer. At the ECW PPV Rene plants Val with the ‘Gay 4 Pay Driver' and shouts "In your FACE" as he gives Val the Money Shot he's been so hard up to give him for months. Rene then goes on to hold the newly re-born TV title and insists that each match will be fought under "XXXtreme Rulez". Meaning a hot oil match.
Beware the Thumb
Needing to even the score, Vince brings in Umaga's cousin, Umaki, to be rid of DX once and for all. Sonny Siaki plays his role perfectly, even employing the same dangerous thumb of death as his finisher. Umaki and Umaga are battling DX in a 4 sides of Steel match when Umaki accidentally misses the "Samoan Spike" to the neck and somehow accidentally spikes HHH in the eye. DX still come out on top thanks to HBK, but after the match HHH is flown to a hospital to have his eye checked out. Fearing the worse HHH has surgery to repair his damaged cornea but due to complications he dies afterwards due to a blood clot. A tribute show is had for HHH and after a few months, realizing that her child would need a father, Stephanie McMahon marries… Randy Orton.
This is another Fein Mess…
Smackdown is desperate for any kind of writing talent they can get so they hire Rob Feinstein. In a stroke of ‘genius' Feinstein decides that this whole Rey/Guerreros feud needs a shot in the arm so he decides to work an angle where Chavo and Vicki try to re-adopt Rey's son Dominic because Eddie would have wanted it that way. Rob Feinstein takes his time going over the script with Dominic in his office. A little too much time it seems as Dominic accuses Rob of sexually assaulting him after asking him to try on various wrestling outfits as he takes pictures. The allegations are made public all over the internet but is quickly settled in house. Dominic is clearly the victim and has been visibly distraught and shaken by the horrific abuse he has suffered at the hands of Feinstein. Dominic is still brought on TV as part of an angle but soon turns on both Rey, Chavo, and his mother and is turned heel the week after he comes back.
I ain't sayin' he's got Gold Dig it. But he ain't messin' with no old Bigot.
World Heavyweight Champion Booker T is presenting the award for "Best Colored Wrestler in a Support Role" at the 2006 Slammys, but is conspicuously absent from the list of candidates for "Wrestler of The Year" that include: John Cena, Edge, HBK, HHH, Big Show, Randy Orton, and even Hulk Hogan. After Cena wins the WotY award Booker T goes up on stage to present with Jonathon Coachman. Coach is just about to announce the winner when Booker grabs the mike to exclaim, "Vince McMahon don't care about Black wrestlers". Coach is stunned and silent for 3 seconds before stammering out, "T-t-t-tatanka". Booker T then loses his title in a 30 second Squash at the next PPV to Sylvester Turkay and retires.
The Truth
Angle is released/fired, Trish retires, many wrestlers are pondering retirement, suspended for "wellness issues", or injured. Sure it's bad. Sure the newest crop of rookies and repackaged rejects seems hopeless. But it could be worse right? Mae Young hasn't been brought back to become Blackzilla's new love interest right? Then again, Lashley could use a mouthpiece. Wait…those are dentures. Well anyways, just remember that no matter how bad it may seem, you always have…uh… football season.
Coming Up Short
Davey Richards came into last weekend's Battle of Los Angeles as one of 3 favorites to win the whole tournament. He has been coming off a monster push in PWG and is getting a good push in RoH at the moment. I'm not sure how RoH fans feel about Davey but by most accounts he seems to be doing quite well for himself. Originally slated to take on the lucha-ish and technically proficient TJ Perkins (Aka Puma in TNA), TJ was replaced by, what had to be a very surprised Ronin (aka Mighty Morphin Ronin Ranger, aka HEYYYYY Kool Aid). While this was one of Ronin's best matches in PWG, it was a bit underwhelming for Davey's first round. His second round match up versus Austin Aries was much better as Aries came out with his RoH persona instead of his "Austin Starr" gimmick. Davey's semi-final match with Roderick Strong was excellent as well as Strong was probably in the running for BoLA MVP. Davey won BoLA 2006 with a with a surprise victory over Dragon Gate top gun, CIMA in the finals after the planned 3-way became a singles match after Super Dragon "was taken out" by PWG Champ Joey Ryan.
So what does Davey Richards do after winning the most prestigious Indy tournament on the West Coast?? He immediately declares he's coming for the title… Tag Title that is. WTF?? The problem I have with this is that winning the biggest tournament in PWG or any Indy fed should get you an automatic shot at the main title belt. If they weren't going to translate this momentum into a title run, why not let someone like CIMA (my pick for who SHOULD have won the whole thing), Jack Evans, Roderick Strong or El Generico (arguably the guys who were all BoLA MVP candidates) win the tournament? Last year PWG had Chris Bosh win BoLA, then he ended up losing title shot after title shot and got his tag title back months and months later. For me, Davey had a great effort at BoLA and had some very good matches, but if you hold a tournament, fly in 20 or so incredible Indy wrestlers and hype this up as the true biggest show of the year, you have to let the winner of that tournament ride that momentum into something bigger than just the tag titles. The issues here is that this either makes it looks like the BoLA winner doesn't care as much about the singles belt as the tag team titles. This kind of makes that "World Heavyweight" title look kind of weak. I mean, imagine if Rey Misterio had won the Royal Rumble this year and decided to wrestle the Spirit Squad for the Tag Belts instead of Angle. For me, letting this kind of momentum go to waste just seems like PWG may be coming up short.
*Ed Note: BoLA was AWESOME by the way, major props to PWG and the participants this year. Go buy the DVD on pre-sale….now. I mean, after you're done reading the rest of the column…but before you start surfing for more internet porn…ahh hell, just open up a new window and do both if you must*
6 Degrees of…
Nick Gisonna seems to think he has options. See what happens when you give a guy a little bit of power?
Thanks, man.
For my pick, I'd either like to see Kermit the Frog. If you've done Kermit already (in the 6 degrees of separation, sicko), then lets go with Robocop. If you want me to pick a wrestler instead of the celebrity, I'd want to choose New Jack.
Alright, then.
Nick
You are a sick f*ck Nick. Just sick. Hey, you know why Kermit doesn't go down on Miss Piggy? He's Jewish. Well I'm fairly sure this guy isn't though...
There you have it, let's see if we can beat last week's entries...oh, it will be hard, but I'm sure somehow, some way it can be done. In 6 degrees hopefully.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Nuthin'...y'all ain't talkin' bout shit this week ya heard?? Not any feedback, not any comments, not even one dude askin' me how the hell I got my own column and remained employed this long. Makin' me the Scotty 2 Hottie of 411. Wait...let's just say Funaki...cuz'...u know...I'm Asian and all.
6 Degrees Results
Wow, you guys made it real easy this week, I appreciate it.
Honorable Mention
Big Fat Zero.
#3
No One.
#2
Nada.
#1.
Mark Satrang wins by default. I hope you feel like a real big man Mark…real big. Then again, its like having a hot chick at a bar tell you she'll let you go home with her because she wants to get back at her cheating boyfriend. Only, angry revenge sex beats getting to link Elvira and Ariel any day: B--
Ok this weeks left overs had me laughing my ass off at work. Good thing I was the only one around in the office. I must comment you lately on your columns recently. They have been great. These ones where you think our phoning it in with the failed gimmicks, the PPV porn, the trades one, they've been some of the best. Your humor's your best work.
I also can't believe you jobbed me out to some people who didn't even use all the degrees, or follow the rules. I think I just got a concussion banging my head against the glass ceiling.
Anyways, for punctuality's sake, here's six degrees for you, a mere hours after TBT was posted.
Skinner to Crocodile Dundee...
1) "Crocodile Dundee" Paul Hogan ripped off his own movie when he started in 1994's "Lightning Jack" alongside Cuba Gooding, Jr...
2) Cuba, who was since gone on to make a string of shitty movies like Boat Trip, Snow Dogs and Rat Race, actually won a Best Supporting Oscar for Jerry Macguire, also starring Tom Cruise...
3) Cruise, who may or may not be certifiably nuts, did put on a fantastic performance in "A Few Good Men"...
4) "A Few Good Men" was turned into probably the best done WrestleMania 21 movie parody, this one starring The Coach, John Cena and JBL...
5) JBL, during his money-making Blackjack Bradshaw persona, had many run-ins with the Godwinns, including Canadian Stampede, WrestleMania 13 and Survivor Series '97. The Godwinns' favorite maneuver was the cleverly titled Slop Drop...
6) The Slop Drop was actually originally Skinner's finisher, another clever masterpiece called the Gator Breaker...
At least someone enjoys leftovers. Besides Ken Doane that is. You know, I've kinda gone on a kick where there has been little to really light my fire going on in wrestling lately so I'm basically relying on slapstick columns to pull me through. Next week you may be in for a surprise as I pull a Lance Storm and get serious for a moment. Oh, and btw, when you send in your choices for 6DO next week…try to get it in before 11pm on Weds if you could.
Left Overs…
The Miz debuts against tatanka and still has to win w/ his feet on the ropes, because clearly Tatanka is a force to be reckoned with. I say team him with Matt Hardy since the biggest pussy in the industry is going to need the biggest douche bag they can find to help him clean up his shit.
Jeff Hardy took a moment to help laid down some white lines on RAW this week. Oddly enough, he didn't snort a single one of them. On camera.
William Regal REFUSES to wrestle Italian men in drag. Phew...that's a load off my mind, looks like Trinity dodged a bullet there for a minute.
Jimmy Wang Yang is a redneck. He's a Korean Redneck. Let that just sink in for a second. You know what the most disturbing part of that gimmick is...the MOST disturbing part?? The man's name is two euphemisms for a penis. Basically his name is Penis Penis Yang.
MVP looks like a big ass Andre Rison to me for some reason. I'm just waiting for the angle where Krystal Marshall burns down his mansion. Don't go chasin' waterfalls Montel.
"Teacher's Pets" as a tag team name?? I guess that works better than, "Two Random Low Carders Whose Gimmick Revolves Around A Stacy Keibler Wanna Be". Mainly because that's just too fuckin' long. I mean seriously, could you imagine tryin' to fit that all in during your Smackdown vs RAW 07' entrance?
Super Crazy may have pulled off an upset by beating Chris Masters on RAW, there is even talk of calling him by his former moniker, Super Loco, again. This bodes well for the entire RAW roster as they try to bring in more of the Latino audience. To this end, Lita will now go back to her original name, Super Mamavergas.
Here ys the WWE to bryng you more great moments yn racyst stereotypes…Cryme Tyme, knock over a smoothye shop. Because CLEARLY, a brutha from the street gots to get hys Strawberry Mango Tango on. That's all they talk about yn the hood. Nothyng lyke debutyng one of the fyrst all Black tag team yn a whyle and saddlyng them wyth a "cryminal gymmyck". But hey, that's just my Fyfty Cents on yt.
Carlito is selling for Lita? Isn't that Edge's job? Ohhh...that was Edge SELLING Lita, nevermind...carry on people.
The Dragon Gate guys did not disappoint at the Battle of LA. Dragon Kid was entertaining, although it was clear he had a problem working at a much slower pace than he was used to. H-A-G-E was great, he was by far the most charismatic of the bunch and was just clean and solid in the ring. CIMA was one of the MVP's of the tournament and was extremely personable in person... although, I had no idea he had a Southern Accent. Yeeee HAW!!
Delirious was definitely a highly of the weekend at BoLA as he was entertaining as hell to watch in the ring. He was also a really cool guy in person, but more importantly he also cut one of the best Ric Flair impersonations EVER in a ring. Drunk Ric Flair that is.
Team Ultimate X? Seems like this could be an interesting match between the Phenomenal Angels and LAX. My guess is Hernandez tosses AJ at the titles and knocks them down. Then again, the chances are pretty damn good that we'll have the first ever...X-Division "Chicken Fight". Homicide better pray to GOD he's not on the bottom.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Do you realize how hard it was finding a picture of this chick that WASN'T nude?? Trust me, it was hard....or at least semi
10,000 thumbtack match is impressive, but one big fuckin' thumbtack would be cooler, imagine the booking meeting when they try to figure that one out.
From now on I think I'm going to start referring to it as "getting Shannon Moore slapped". I think from now on CM Punk should interrupt EVERY vignette to "Shannon Moore slap" someone. Rene Dupree, Balls Mahoney, Sally Struthers. "For just pennies a day, you can help feed and clothe a darling little boy like Pablo…uh….who are you?", "…You're a fatty *SLAP".
Pimpin' In High Places
If you Pimp Them, they will...ignore you. For the most part:
Csonka swears they'll be life after Trish. Sure they'll be life, but not in the crotchular region.
Cook has news, but no Traci Brooks to speak of, yet again. The poor lil' guy, someone e-mail him some giant boobs or something.
Ask 411 answers some questions. I'm still waiting for Clarke to have his first edition where he answers each question with a question. Which I could totally do. Too bad 95% of them would be, "what the f*ck kinda question is that?"
Evo Scheme features Kane...again. Damn, I guess there really are only re-runs on now a days.
O'Dog remembers the WWF/NFL battle royal. Man, those were the days, when an NFL player could go over the top...and not be fined $5,000 by the league.
Clarkorcina bring you a load of Fink, but apparently you have to pay for it. Or something, shit, I don't know.
AC had so much feedback he dedicated a whole column to it. So that's where all my damn feedback wen this week.
I'm convinced that the Hansons don't actually read my column. Basically just assume I got some hot Asian bitches and read the teaser. Oh well, so long as they keep linking those hidden pictures of Random Armenian Bitches lookin' Adrian Brody-ish. Well, you gotta look really hard to find the link, but it's there.
The J's got some highlights. Which is okay, I mean so long as it's tasteful and lightens their faces a bit more.
It's a Hardcore Stu. I believe that involves carrots, celery, onion, and 5'3" posers wearing too much eye make up. Oh and Potatoes. Can't forget those potatoes.
Ari talks about the little Indy fed that's known as the PWG of the East Coast. He's lucky they stole all the good wrestlers for the 10/7 show. Damn, that's just a Cryme y tells ya.
Another week of the wild, wooly, and witty. If I do say so myself. Which I do. I spent last weekend taking in all the Indy wrestling I could possibly take and loving every minute of it. Well maybe not loving the 100 degree weather in the San Fernando Valley, nor the 80 degree temperature inside after half of the air conditioning went out, but let's say most of those minutes. In fact I didn't hardly have time to see RAW, Smackdown, ECW or TNA this past week. But you know what…I'm sure there is no way it could have compared to seeing Colt Cabana straddle Delirious like a horse while he crouched motionless in the corner while taking pictures. Then again, all the paint at the American Legion's Hall was dry, so I did miss out on that. Well tune in next week as we buck tradition and go a little bit more serious next week. But not TOO serious. Hell, I gotta have some excuse for tellin' my girl why she has all these semi (or not so semi) porn sites listed in her laptop browser history right?
