News to Start Your Weekend 9.08.06
Posted by Nick Marsico on 09.08.2006
You oversensitive ninnies. Also, I'm bringing the use of a certain word... back.
So the word on the street is that last week my column somehow didn't go up correctly, and it was brought to my attention by a couple readers. I didn't find out about it until late last Saturday night and wasn't able to do anything about it until Sunday, but if you missed it, it has been put up and you can read it here. Anyway, I missed iMPACT this week due to sleep, as I pulled a Guy on the Couch from Half Baked and slept for all sorts of hours Thursday night, as I lacked a decent amount of sleep Wednesday due to procrastination and the half-assed 2 AM writing of a paper that I never actually ended up getting to my professor anyway. I got 3 hours of sleep and then spent 7 or so hours away from home, almost physically dying at one point in my dreadfully boring computer science class. Anybody up for learning the basics of what consists of a desktop PC and its accessories?
ALL ABOUT MONDAY
Chris Benoit's return; Punk in OVW... Finally it looks like Benoit is about ready to come back to SmackDown. All I know is that God help me if he ends up anywhere other than the CW network upon his return I will be all kinds of pissed. He has to come back and he has to immediately make some sort of impact in the heavyweight title division, or, hell, even get into a feud with Kennedy over the US Title. I just want the motherfucker back on my TV, ya know? I'm going to assume that they're going to wait until the CW actually is on the air in a couple weeks before they actually bring him back, though, which I'm fine with.
CM Punk's also now finally a big boy, as his fulltime OVW appearance schedule has been completed. He dropped the OVW Heavyweight Title to Chet "The Jet" Jablonski last week. Ya know, I actually saw Chet on a Ring of Honor show from mid-2003 back when he was wrestling out of the Heartland Wrestling Association (Les Thatcher's promotion/training ground, who, if they still don't, used to have a relationship with WWE), and if he's improved the amount a young wrestler should improve in 3 years' time, he might not be a bad idea for a call up to SmackDown sometime in the not to distant future, either. Hell, they did let him have the OVW belt, so that may be a good sign.
Full roster for new SD! series video game... It's disappointing. I think this year's gonna be the year that they finally don't trick me and I'll do the rent thing before I decide whether I want to buy it or not. Once I get this damned computer fixed I'll just do what I do when I'm on my desktop at home. Download No Mercy and play it on an emulator. Fuck the system, man, I'm bringing sex... back.
RAW thoughts... Yeah, I know everybody's saying it, but I guess when it came to RAW this week, art really did imitate life. Maria watching that paint dry is a metaphor for all of us as we die a little bit more inside while we watch RAW each week, maaaaaaaaaaan.
Surprise, surprise, Jeff Hardy is still Jeff Hardy. While his match might not have been awful in concept, the execution blew. Hardy just isn't a good wrestler, and if you're going to book him to go longer than 30 seconds, you're gonna have to put him in there with somebody who can carry him, not a greenhorn like Nitro. That said, the match wasn't unbearable or anything, but it was just more typical Jeff Hardy. He got all of his spots in and he got them in slowly and awkwardly, lacking any sort of semblance of crispness in the ring. Also, if you're going to half-ass the Twist of Fate like that, just fucking stop doing it already. 2 other people are already doing the move, and better. Not to mention that Kennedy's Kenton Bomb (which dumb Cole called the Swanton on SmackDown this past week) completely puts any Swanton Jeff has done in the past 5 years to shame (except for maybe the one at Bound for Glory last year, but it only looked any good because he did it from Shane McMahon like height). I'm annoyed that they wasted so much time on RAW with this to do the bullshit ending and book it again for PPV, though. If they wanted to do that, the match should have gone no longer than 5 minutes. Not that I'm complaining, because I don't give a fuck about the match anyway, but why would you give away a full length match on RAW if you're going to just book it again for the PPV that's only 13 days away? I can see if they were like SmackDown and didn't have a show until a month from now and could spend another 4 or so shows building to a rematch, but putting a full match, just without a finish, on a show with no build at all (Hardy won the #1 contendership a week prior to the match but the title shot wasn't announced until this past Sunday or Monday) and then booking it again for a pay-per-view that they only have one more RAW following that match to work with before the show is ridiculous. But really, it's WWE, that's what they do. Plus, it's Hardy and Nitro, so who really cares anyway?
Why the shit is Super Crazy on RAW, by the way? I mean I guess that indicates that somebody in management likes him, because it is the 'flagship broadcast' of the company (thanks, JR) and all. Hell, Masters got pinned clean, so at least that makes me happy.
The finish to the tag schmozz was pretty sweet. Nothing anybody who watches wrestling outside of WWE programming hasn't seen a million times before, but Murdoch took an awesome bump off the release German, so that was worth seeing. The match was short and meh, though, and somehow still seemed longer than the barely 3 minutes it got. Honestly, why even bother with this? They don't have to pretend they have a tag division because it's not like they're going to do anything with the two teams the Highlanders beat on RAW and they already had a feud going with the Squad as it was. They could have given the time to Flair, as he was just an afterthought and nothing more than a silly and contrived way to continue the Umaga/Kane feud. They should have booked Flair to beat up Umaga's house dress that he wears down to the ring every week. It always rules when Ric beats up clothes or any other inanimate object. I got to see him kick the shit out of Foley's second autobiography when I went to RAW back at the end of July. It was the only thing worth seeing, and it was a SuperShow.
Cryme Tyme rules. I've seen lots of complaining and backlash about it already all over message boards. Stop being oversensitive whiny bitches, people. I'll get CM Punk to slap the shit out of each and every one of you. I will.
The main event was fine but nothing special; I was just glad that we got that stuff to close RAW instead of the garbage McMahons/DX feud that at this point I feel resolute in saying will never, ever, come to a conclusion. RAW overall, as usual, just felt long and inconsequential. Oh well, if it didn't suck I wouldn't really have much to talk about, would I? That's part of the reason why I never talk about SmackDown. That, and the fact that it's already a week old by the time this column comes about, but I covered SmackDown for long enough since my time as Larry's right hand man with the 3 Rs through my year as the SD recapper and that short 2 months or so that I came back to do with a few months ago. I'm quite content in just watching and enjoying it, commercial-free, via download, since it's so friggin' hard to come by it on television. That's one thing that annoys the fuck out of me about people on message boards, too. You're fucking USING THE INTERNET and you POST ON A MESSAGE BOARD. I know that inherently people on the internet are going to lie, but if you don't want to watch SmackDown, don't say that you're not watching it because it's on at a bad time or because it's always being preempted. You can download the fucking show, in fantastic quality, from like a thousand places online. Pick one, pansies.
TUESDAY NEWSDAY
RAW security guards; US Open... Notable indy wrestlers who were part of the security team that DX beat up on RAW include Sal Rinauro and fat-fuck (who seems to have lost some weight, actually) Iceberg. Iceberg was the guy HBK destroyed with the chair at the beginning. I didn't even see Sal because I was too busy explaining and making fun of Iceberg to one of my roommates who I was watching the show with.
Oh, and RAW finally didn't get preempted by tennis on USA because somehow it took them 10 years to read the ratings and realize that nobody fucking watches tennis.
Senshi injury... He was wearing a neck brace this week at the iMPACT taping due to whiplash from years of wear and tear, but he'll still be wrestling Sabin at No Surrender. Man, Senshi's return really has been a bomb thus far, I'd say. He's done nothing. A couple decent matches, but nothing special, and he's not done ANYTHING story wise yet. I like Low Ki, but I certainly can do without him, especially if he's not going to be anything special in this run with TNA.
ECW on Sci-Fi thoughts... Sabu & Van Dam vs. Knox & Test started off quite slowly but got going pretty well as it moved along. The crossbody by Sabu that put EVERYBODY through the table was quite cool, and while I could use a lot less of Styles and Tazz yelling "this is EXTREME action you'll only see on Sci-Fi", especially if they're going to do it while all four guys are just wandering around the ring doing nothing, it was a fun match.
Hey, remember how I mentioned that people being up in arms over the new Cryme Tyme tag team? The same goes for the Steve Irwin comment that Striker made on Tuesday (it's now come out that Brian Gewirtz wrote the line, though). I love seeing people all angry about the comment and then talking about how great a person Irwin was and how it's so disrespectful, and how Steve is more than just some wacko who put himself in such danger every day and how he did all sorts of shit for environmentalism and charity and whatnot. So what? Better people than him die every day and nobody even gives a shit. Irwin was a celebrity and did the kind of shit that people with all sorts of money should be doing. Nothing is fucking sacred in this world, especially not a guy who dangled his child near the mouth of a hungry god damned crocodile.
If Joey Styles didn't want Ariel all over him, he should have stabbed her in the chest with his boner.
Man, who says boner anymore? Fuck it. Much like Shannon Moore is bringing sex... back, I'm bringing the use of the word boner... back. Oh, speaking of Moore, I wonder if he has heat on him again for using the Prince of Punk moniker. I think TNA owns the rights to that one. Not that they could really do much about it, since Vince has more money than he knows what to do with anyway.
I really don't have much else. Nothing much really happened and I couldn't care less about DX.
WEDNESDAY NEWS THING
Vince pushing himself... Apparently some of the wrestlers backstage are just now realizing that Vince really pushes himself hard. According to my sources, Val Venis and Rob Conway were the first to notice.
THURSDAY THERE WAS NEWS TOO
Styles lap dance; Israel tour canceled... Contrary to prior reports, the lap dance Ariel gave Joey Styles was not a rib or punishment, it was just a continuation of how she and Beth Phoenix acted in OVW. I already made the boner joke earlier, but maybe I should do it again. See, they call boners wood. And that's like a wooden stake. So Styles, if he wanted her off him, should have stabbed her with his boner. Because it's wood.
I'm bringing the use of the word boner... back.
Also, WWE has finally canceled their tour of Israel that they intended to already have done and I think had rescheduled for some time in September or October. Why they would have bothered trying to book that shit in the FUCKING FIRST PLACE is beyond me. Going to Iraq is one thing. There are a lot of our forces over there and there's a lot more safe (well, as safe as you can be in a war zone) area than there is in Israel, a war that isn't even one we're fighting. No insurance company would provide it for the tour. No shit? I'd SO have expected somebody to jump at the chance to insure a bunch of guys who potentially might fall on their heads beating each other up in a place with a ridiculous war going on. Maybe former US President David Palmer would want to pick up the insurance.
"We at WWE apologize for the remark alluding to the death of Steve Irwin which was made on ECW on Sci-Fi Tuesday night. The remark was, in the least, disrespectful to Mr. Irwin's fans and family."
They didn't do this when Cena made his John Ritter comment. BOOOOOURNS to WWE.
Warrior Warrior DVD lawsuit dropped... Click the link if you want the news. I'm only using this because I wanted to make a joke about the guy who Warrior was suing. And now, that joke:
Hey, I didn't know Berlyn produced documentaries!
Also, speaking of making jokes about the dead, Jerry "Malice" Tuite was Berlyn's bodyguard. The Berlyn Wall fell 14 years late in the wrestling world.
Thank you, thank you all! That concludes the obvious joke segment of the week.
HHH has heat with some wrestlers... People think the "bingo" comment was unnecessary. Meh, I guess it was, but it doesn't really matter. I don't know why I bothered even bringing this up. Okay then.
SHOW PREVIEWS
friday night smackdown...
- Finlay versus Rey Mysterio
- Mr. Kennedy versus. Jobber
- Brian Kendrick, Paul London & Ashley Massaro versus KC James, Idol Stevens & Michelle McCool
- Bobby Lashley versus William Regal
- Matt Hardy versus The Miz
- Batista versus King Booker (World Heavyweight Championship)
tna impact...
- AJ Styles & Christopher Daniels versus Matt Bentley & Frankie Kazarian
- Chris Sabin versus Alex Shelley
- Abyss versus Raven
wwe unforgiven...
- John Cena versus Edge (TLC Match, WWE Championship)
- Triple H & Shawn Michaels versus Big Show, Vince & Shane McMahon (Hell in a Cell)
- Carlito versus Randy Orton
- Jeff Hardy versus Johnny Nitro (Intercontinental Championship)
- Trish Stratus versus Lita (Trish's Retirement, Women's Championship)
- The Highlanders versus The Spirit Squad (World Tag Team Championship)
- Umaga versus Kane
TIME FOR SAYING SEE YOU LATER
See you later.
See, I actually said what I said I was going to say.
