Just S'pose...9.13.06
Posted by Ron Gamble on 09.13.2006
It's a new day in The World Acc... no, I'm not falling back on that already.
What in the wide, wide world of sports is a'goin' on here?
That's how Slim Pickens might put it, if he were an avid reader of my former incarnation of this column, and if he were still alive. However, instead, you get to read my interpretation of events if things were just slightly different than what we know now. You will see events that are now interpreted clearly by hindsight as if they were altered by taking, as Bugs Bunny might say, taking that right turn at Albuquerque, instead of the normal left.
This first section will look at your responses to the previous week's column. Let me know where I went right or where I was completely wrong by emailing my at the bottom of the page.
In that spirit, let's look at an email I got from Andre Brown about GSN's "50 Greatest Game Shows of All Time," and my own changes to the list:
I loved the series on Game Shows…I think there should be some love for the kids shows. Where's Double Dare (with one of the most recognizable theme songs ever), Finders Keepers, or even if you remember the old show Fun House with J.D. Roth on WGN. I always thought the game show Debt with Wink Martindale was pretty interesting, along with High Rollers. And Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?!?!?!? A few more to throw out there!
"Double Dare" and "Fun House" were okay, but I wouldn't include either of them in the list. I do not remember "Finders Keepers" at all. "Debt" was another good game, but I don't think it had enough exposure or lasted long enough to get any serious love. "High Rollers" is a game I would have included, but I wasn't sure which game to throw out. It would probably be "Hollywood Showdown," which seemed to be included because it was a GSN original, and was nothing more than a twist on "Jackpot!" By the way, "Jackpot!" should also have been included, and I would have removed "3's a Crowd" to include it.
But, How in the World could I forget "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" What was I thinking? I loved that show, and I was in college when it was on! I would have loved to have been on that show, even if I was 15 years older than the normal contestants. I'm telling you, I would have killed on the European map.
It will also be where I give you the weekly report on my life (since you all care so much about me) and my favorite football teams. Last week, Da Stillers started the weekend off right by beating the Miami 'Phins, 28-17. Hey, Nick! You want to throw a flag on the field to challenge a play? Throw it like Dan Marino next time. You know, overhand!
Then, on Friday, Pitt beat Cincinnati 33-16, and Brooke beat Anacostia (DC) 42-16. For the Bruins, quarterback Jimmy Reitter threw just six passes, but he completed all six for 153 yards and a touchdown. Meanwhile, Scott Victorio ran for 125 yards and two touchdowns, and he only had eight carries. Now THAT is efficiency, my friends.
Da Stillers are now 1-0, with a trip to Jacksonville for the Monday night game next week. Pitt is 2-0 and will host Michigan State on Saturday. Brooke, meanwhile, is 2-1 and hosts Edison (OH) on Friday.
In a final note here in the prologue, let me give my heartfelt condolences to Larry Csonka on the loss of his father. I have heard that the second worst feeling one can have (following the death of a child) is losing one's parents. I am lucky that I have not felt that loss in my life, and I wish Larry Godspeed during his time of mourning.
On to the new stuff and things!
JUST S'POSE...
October 26, 1996, and the evening had gone well. Paul Heyman was pleased with the first few matches on that evening's card of mayhem and violence at the ECW Arena, and he had even seen his special guest applaud at the efforts given out by the maniacs in the ring. He was a little nervous at the same time, because when he asked Raven what he had planned for Sandman on this night, Raven simply smiled and said, "Just wait, Paulie. Sandman and I have it worked out, and it'll kick up our story to another level."
Sandman went to the ring, and demanded that Raven come out this minute. He talked about Raven stealing his former wife, Lori, and how he didn't care about that two-bit slut. Taking his son, Tyler, however, was a new low. He finished his opening monologue by demanding Raven come to the ring now and get the beating he deserves.
Instead, Tyler came running out to the ring, looking behind him a couple times. He ran up the steps, up to his dad, and hugged him hard. The crowd cheered, and Sandman cried a little. He got down on one knee, looked Tyler right in the eyes, and hugged him again. After they broke, Tyler grabbed his father's face, looked at him for a second, and kissed him. He then backed away from his father quickly.
Suddenly, a scream came over the building's loudspeaker. "NOW!" Raven screamed, and several barrels worth of beer dumped right down on Sandman's head. He fell from the sheer weight of it, and while down, Raven, Stevie Richards, and The Blue Meanie jumped in the ring and beat him. They tied his hands and feet together, and Raven screamed at him, "You drunk! Tyler told me how you would rather drink your life away than spend time with him! Now, you'll pay!"
They stuck several beer labels on his body in several places, "branding" him. Raven continued, "My old man hated me, and I wanted to kick his ass so badly, but I never could. I'm not gonna let that happen to Tyler!" He then said something to Stevie and Meanie, and they grabbed Sandman's prone body, lifted him up, and dropped him over the top rope to the floor below. Sandman landed with a sickening, crunching thud, as Raven walked to the locker room. He then came back with a crowbar, dug the prying end into his forehead, then beat him. After a minute of this, Stevie and Meanie grabbed the loose end of the rope and drug him to the locker room.
Raven then climbed back into the ring and screamed, "I did that for Tyler!" The crowd continued to boo loudly while he taunted them all. Raven then looked around the building, spotting the special guest in the building. "What, Kurt Angle? You don't like what I did? Why don't you jump in here and do something about it?"
In the reality we know, Raven, Stevie Richards, and Blue Meanie really tied Sandman to a cross, "crucifying" him. Rave completed the visual with a crown of barbed wire on Sandman's head. Kurt Angle, who was in the building this night, and whom Paul Heyman planned to offer a long-term contract to wrestle exclusively in ECW, stormed out of the building, stopping long enough to threaten to sue if he was shown on the same program as the "crucifixion." But, Just S'pose Raven Didn't Crucify Sandman on that night. What might have happened?
Angle jumped up and started to run toward the ring, answering Raven's challenge. ECW security stopped him, but Raven kept taunting him. After a few more minutes, Raven went back to the locker room, where he was met by Paul Heyman.
"I was so f****** nervous before you went out there, but you did something great there!" Paul shook Raven's hand. Raven, meanwhile, wanted to make sure Sandman was okay. He thought he might have hit him a little hard a couple times with the crowbar, but would produce nothing worse than a bruise. He found Sandman getting a few stitches in the back of the room, but over all, he was doing okay. This would definitely kick up their feud. After all, Tyler kissed his father just like Judas kissed Jesus, right before the Roman soldiers came to arrest him.
Paul, however, had something else he needed to do. He went to find Kurt Angle, just to make sure he was still enjoying the show. He found him in the special seating section cordoned off for visiting wrestlers and dignitaries. Paul came up to him and said, "So, what do you think so far?"
Angle turned, noticed it was Heyman, and smiled. "So far, it's everything you told me it would be. So, when do I get to see some real wrestling action?"
Heyman knew what Angle meant, so he tried not to wince too noticeably. "Shane Douglas' match is coming up after this one, so I hope you'll like it." Heyman changed the subject. "So, what happened out there with Raven?"
"He challenged me, so I thought I'd play along. But I have another question for you. Suppose I decide to sign with you. Do you think they'll really accept me here? I mean, I don't go through tables or set myself on fire, or anything like that."
"Kurt, watch Shane's match, then we'll talk some more after the show's over." That night, Douglas went to the ring, grabbed the house mic, and said, "I hear Kurt Angle's still in the house. Where is he?" Angle stood up, to the cheers of the crowd.
"Kurt Angle, I want to say, it's great to see another champion from Pittsburgh in the house. One of these days, you and I will have to get together and find out who really is the greatest wrestler from Pittsburgh. But in the meantime, I want you to watch my match. Feel free to take notes, because I am about to put on a clinic for these idiots in the arena." The crowd booed, while Kurt just smiled and sat down.
Douglas was right about one thing: it certainly was a clinic. The thing is, it wasn't a clinic on how to be an expert wrestler; it was a clinic on how to be a heat machine. No matter what he did, Douglas had the crowd right in the palm of his hand.
About ten minutes into the match, Paul Heyman knelt behind his special guest, and said, "So, what did I tell you? Is Shane something or what?"
"Yeah, he's something, alright. He's a terrible example of a wrestler. I mean, look at those headlocks. Are the fans here supposed to believe he's really a wrestler? I mean, I can see daylight between his forearm and the guy's head. If this is your idea of a great wrestler, then we really have nothing more to talk about."
"Kurt," Heyman desperately interrupted. "Shane is a good technical wrestler, but his real talent is in how he riles up the fans. Do you hear that? Everyone in the building hates him, mainly because he's winning. How many times did you ever experience that?
"You need to remember one thing: the main difference between amateur and professional wrestling," he continued, "is that the fans of pro wrestling care. They don't root for a man because he wears the uniform of a certain team. After all, if you're on a school wrestling team, the team members change from one year to the next. Next thing you know, amateur wrestling is just like what Jerry Seinfeld said about pro football; everyone's rooting for laundry. But in pro wrestling, they cheer for one guy specifically because he is not another guy they hate.
"Whenever we go to Pittsburgh, everyone cheers for Shane. Do you know why? Because he's from Pittsburgh, just like you. Whenever we go anywhere else in the country, he is the most hated man on the roster, because he tells everyone he's going to win, and he does it in such an obnoxious manner that no matter who he's facing, the other guy is loved by the crowd. Shane Douglas could be wrestling Adolf Hitler in Israel, and after a ten-minute promo, the crowd would be chanting for Hitler.
"Whenever Taz is in the ring, he scares everyone, because he tells everyone is he the scariest, most dangerous motherf***** on the planet. Whenever the Dudley Boys are in the ring, the fans cheer, because they go in there and make people laugh. Sandman is a guy who will knock back a few beers with the entire arena, Sabu will make himself bleed in hopes of making his opponent bleed more. Raven makes everyone leery because everyone in this arena knows someone just like him, who was abused as a child and now sees his father in everyone else.
"Y'see, Kurt, pro wrestling is not about wins and losses. It's theater in the round, in a 400 square foot area, for everyone to see. "
Heyman took a breath, waiting to see if his speech had managed to make any difference in Angle's thinking. His unspoken question was answered when Kurt asked, "So, if I sign with you, where do you see me in this ‘theater in the round?'"
Mrs. Heyman's baby boy had done it again.
Two weeks later, ECW television opened with announcer Joey Styles telling the audience, in breathless tones, that he was promised by Paul Heyman there was huge news to announce during the hour. Some matches from the show at ECW Arena in late October were shown, and with five minutes left in the show, they replayed a small portion of the previous week's show, where Joey Styles introduced Kurt Angle to the ECW faithful. His introduction and waving to the crowd was interrupted by Taz, challenging him to a match. After the video, Heyman appeared in camera with Styles.
"Ladies and gentlemen, you just saw Taz challenge Olympic gold medalist Kurt Angle to a match. While that match will not happen, I can tell you that I spoke to Kurt Angle after the show in ECW Arena, and if the cameraman can zoom in on this —" he held up a group of papers held together by staples – "you will see Kurt Angle's signature at the bottom. He has signed a two-year contract to compete here in ECW. The best amateur wrestler in the entire world is turning pro, and he's doing it right here – in E! C! Double-You!"
What happens next? Come back next week, for part two of our story, "Just S'pose… Kurt Angle signed with ECW in 1996?"
