News From Cook's Corner 09.14.06
Posted by Steve Cook on 09.14.2006
All hail the King of Tomfoolery! Witness his news bites! Laugh at his lame jokes! Bow before The Cook Regime!
"www.411mania.com
its one of those websites that think they know everything about the world which includes music,politics,movies,wrestling etc etc
they once did a nice string of CZW show reviews from late 2003.But most of the time they are egotistical assholes who suck on the feet on "whats hot""
That's pretty much accurate. But let me assure you kind folks that I have never sucked on anybody's feet. Foot fetishes aren't my kinda thing.
Welcome to the Corner. This week we've got Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Cincinnati Bengal Coach Marvin Lewis, and musical guest Jessica Simpson. I kid, we don't actually have any of those people on tap. But we do have lots of wrestling news and tomfoolery, so hopefully you'll stick around and spend your Thursday morning/afternoon/evening reading the best Thursday wrestling news column since Sforcina did one for a couple weeks.
Fantasy Football Update: I went 2-2 in Week 1. The most impressive showing was from my Necro Butchers, who got the most overall points in the 911 league. The Cook Regime clinched a narrow victory over Caleb Newby's Express on Monday night thanks to Ryan Fucking Longwell and the Oakland offense not being able to do anything against San Diego. Frank Gore's 26 points was not enough to lead Southern Comfort to victory, as they suffered a narrow 4 point defeat, and Edgewood Disunited featured a miserable –5 point performance from Jake Plummer in a Week 1 asskicking. My two victories can be credited to the Baltimore Ravens defense, who racked up 25 points in their drubbing of the Tampa Bay Bucs. With Oakland facing them this week, they should be able to turn in a similar performance.
You can check out my blog in the next day or two for my Week 2 NFL picks. I was 11-5 last week, which was good enough for 3rd in the forum contest. My picks of Carolina, Tampa Bay, Tennessee, Denver & Washington did not pan out so well. I hate most of these teams anyway, so no sweat off my back. Speaking of upcoming events, I'll be recapping tonight's TNA Impact episode. As the former author of TNA Impact Insight, I'm looking forward to a one night only return to the gig that got me here, though it came about due to the worst of circumstances.
You know, I'm really not sure if people like the fantasy updates or not. I saw people online bitching and moaning about Tony Kornheiser mentioning that Santana Moss was on his fantasy team on Monday Night Football, but I thought that was funny. Fantasy Football is one of my passions though, so I may be biased.
Time for da news!
But first…errors?
We actually got a couple of things wrong here at the Corner last week. I would blame massive amounts of alcohol, but I wasn't back on the drunk wagon until a day or so after publication…Bobby Eaton did not have a heart attack but was in the hospital for a couple of days, and wrestled this past weekend. And Joey Styles was not getting ribbed with the Ariel lapdance stuff. We like to get things right at the Corner…it's tough sometimes with the misinformation often found on the Internet and the lack of funding to provide sources and reporting capabilities, but we do the best with what we have.
Which tonight is a can of Jolt Cola. I thought they outlawed this stuff!
Orton & others suspended without pay, still working on TV
WWE noticed a major flaw in their Wellness policy when they started implementing it…it really started fucking up their television shows when they needed to send people home. So they've come up with a new clause to keep from doing such a thing…people found to have failed drug tests will be suspended without pay but will still work on television and PPVs. Randy Orton (surprise!) is the first wrestler to be working under these conditions, as is still appearing on Raw and will face Carlito at Unforgiven despite his failure of a recent drug test. Balls Mahoney has also reportedly been suspended for failing a drug test, but is still feuding with Kevin Thorn on the ECW show. Developmental talent Ryan O'Reilly is in the same boat, it is unknown whether his recent suspension will affect his placement on ECW house shows.
Many people have condemned this move saying that it doesn't properly punish the druggies, but the way I see it is this: What bigger punishment is there to a druggie than not being able to afford to buy their drugs? Smart move by WWE here, it gives the workers incentive to clean up while not screwing up their booking plans. This should prevent future instances where everybody on Smackdown tests positive except King Booker, Finlay & Regal.
Brad Armstrong signed by WWE
The former WCW star and son of Bullet Bob will be working for ECW in a few weeks. Fuck Hayhurst and his dismissal of this item, Brad Armstrong was one of the best workers that never really got a chance to shine in the big time. Unless you consider that cup of coffee he had with the WCW Light Heavyweight Title in 1992 a chance to shine. He is now the best worker in ECW, with his brother Scott at second. They hope he can have the same effect on ECW's younger talent that Fit Finlay has had on workers like Bobby Lashley on SmackDown.
Gagne Fired
Greg Gagne was let go by WWE on Tuesday after serving as OVW booker since ECW's return forced Paul Heyman to give up the position. For now Al Snow and OVW trainer Danny Davis will replace him. Gagne had frequently been criticized within WWE for being behind the times…having not seen OVW in several months I can't tell you whether he did a good job with the show or not. 411's Steve Sullivan could though, and I imagine he'll be covering this issue sometime in the next week or so.
Until then, let's entertain ourselves by looking at this picture:
Greg Gagne dressed up like Rambo…I don't care who you are, that right there's funny.
Sources say that Gagne was fired because Johnny Ace didn't like him. Well there's a shocker right there. You'd think Johnny would be in a better mood, what with his nephew having that big game for Ohio State against Texas.
No Guardrails for No Surrender
Jeremy Borash reported in the weekly TNA audio podcast that there will be no guardrails set up around ringside for the No Surrender PPV coming up in less than 2 weeks. Now, there are plenty of indy shows that don't have guardrails and they don't seem to have problems with fans entering the ring or anything like that. But this seems to further one thing about TNA that I'm really not understanding lately…
It seems like their main motivation these days is to piss their current fanbase off. They're going to have this "Fan Lumberjack Match" at the PPV where some fans will be given belts to whip Jeff Jarrett (or Samoa Joe, but really, you gotta be pretty damn drunk to even consider whipping that guy) with, and now they're taking down their guardrails to "increase fan interaction". Which would be fine if they were doing things that made their fans happy, but they're still pushing Jeff Jarrett down everybody's throats and most of this is centered around getting him more over as a heel. I won't deny Jarrett is over as a heel with TNA's audience, but it's been proven over the past four years that he's not going to draw anybody from the outside with his act.
But here's what I don't get…TNA's trying to get their fans more involved, and I don't blame them for that, but I have to say that maybe it isn't a great idea to get them involved by continuing to piss them off. I don't think it's a problem from a physical standpoint, as the wrestlers should have no problem handling the usual gang of fools you see wandering around the Impact Zone, but here's the catch…eventually if you keep pissing off your fanbase, they're going to give up on you. Maybe they'll come back someday, maybe not, but if you keep pissing on their legs and telling them it's raining, they won't believe you forever.
TNA has plenty of things going for it, but they also have things going against it. And unlike WWE, they don't have a track record of being really really hot in the past. That's why WWE can afford to piss off their fans on a regular basis and still draw reasonably good TV ratings. It's kinda like people picking out a restaurant to go to…WWE is like McDonalds. Maybe sometimes the cashier will mess up your order or your burger will not taste as good as it normally does, but people usually forgive them for this and return later figuring they'll get it right the next time. TNA is like that new restaurant in town that you're going to because it's new…if they mess up your order or your experience there isn't very good, you're much less likely to come back.
For all the complaining about WWE we do online, most of us still watch it. Most of TNA's detractors either haven't watched their show or watched it once or twice and gave up on it. They might watch it occasionally, but they don't care about missing it like they do if they miss Raw, even if Raw happens to be terrible that week. Raw has established itself as a Monday night tradition for wrestling fans, it was the show where Steve Austin, The Rock, and countless others provided good entertainment for many years. Even when Raw isn't very good from the standards of anybody rational, people still say "well it's still better than Smackdown" out of habit.
So my advice to TNA would be to serve up a menu that people will like, and to treat their audience like they matter in a way other than trying to work up anger against Jeff Jarrett. And unfortunately for Jeff Jarrett, he's kinda like a fish sandwich …you can replace "fish sandwich" with whatever item at a restaurant you never order. Most of us don't want him on our plate and if you make every item on the menu something with him involved, a lot of people will leave the restaurant and not come back unless something drastic changes. I've given up on TNA realizing this, but I'll still make a point of saying it every now and then.
Who Betta Than Kanyon? X-Pac? You gotta be shitting me…
Raw's house show in Tampa, Florida last weekend was fairly interesting due to the appearance of two people not seen in WWE in quite some time. Sean Waltman made an appearance during the main event with D-Generation X. Triple H invited him to the show, and while there are no current plans to bring him in, that could change.
Chris Kanyon was not invited but he appeared in the front row anyway, holding up a couple of signs in the front row before being ejected. He claimed that Stephanie McMahon had cleared him to do his angle, but nobody else agreed with that take on it. I gave up trying to figure out what was going on with Kanyon when he posted that stupid blog about Chris Kanyon the character being possibly gay but the man behind it is not, or maybe he is, or……yeah, I don't give a fuck.
Hey, if you're gay, more power to you. But I'm not going to give a fuck about it, and if you're going to try to use it to get yourself over or claim that everybody else is biased against you because of it…fuck off. It's that simple. And while WWE deserves to be bashed for a lot of the things they do, you certainly can't accuse them of being biased against homosexuals. Two words: Pat Patterson. If they hated gay people, do you think he would have been Vince's right hand man for twenty years? Give me a break.
Hemme had a Hernia…which is ironic because she gave many of us Hemorrhoids when she was in the Diva Search
Christy underwent surgery to repair said hernia and will be unable to continue her wrestling training for six weeks. The $64,000 question…where the hell does she wrestle? Cause it sure ain't in TNA.
This does lead to a funny story from the Wrestling Observer though…Christy was scheduled to work the TNA vs. AAA show in Mexico on the 17th, but she may still be able to manage Traci Brooks on the show. AAA was not interested in using Gail Kim because she looks too exotic and Oriental to work the American women vs. Mexican women angle. Because apparently Traci is from the U.S.A. News to me, and as her official Internet stalker I really should know these things.
Update on the Truth
Well, actually there is no update on his status with TNA as far as getting a release goes. I lied. Apparently an idea was pitched where Truth would join LAX, but Jeff Jarrett shot it down and said that Killings would get pushed when TNA gets a second hour of programming. I'm starting to believe that's what they tell anybody who thinks they aren't getting pushed enough. It's like how Ashish tells me that I'll get a bigger push when Csonka, Randle & Dunn leave the site. Or like how a girl will tell me that they would date me if they didn't have a boyfriend. Boy, if I had a dollar for every time that happened…
THIS IS NOT WRESTLING NEWS
Cecile Barker, who is CEO of the record company that signed Brooke Hogan, owned the car that Nick Hogan wrecked the other day. Something tells me that he's really regretting the decision to sign Brooke right about now.
And if you actually care about this, get a life.
Rock No More?
The Rock has been all over television lately promoting his new movie Gridiron Gang (which reportedly is the best movie he has been in so far)…interesting of note to some people is probably the fact that starting with his next movie he will be promoted as Dwayne Johnson instead of as "The Rock". He's probably at the point where he can do that and people will still know who the hell he is, so good for him.
He has also stated that he has no plans to return to pro wrestling. Damn our luck.
Batista to appear on Smallville
The odds of anybody other than JT caring about this is nil, so let's continue…
Volkoff loses miserably in election
Nikolai Volkoff's quest to become a member of the Maryland House of Delegates came to an end Tuesday night, as he finished in 5th place out of 5 people in the Republican primary election with 6% of the vote. Volkoff had a number of things going against him in this election, like portraying a Communist on TV for almost a decade, not being able to speak in public without an interpreter, and being 85 years old. Nevertheless, it would have been fun if Volkoff was elected, so damn you Maryland Republicans!
Seriously, Volkoff's no worse a choice for public office than George W. Bush. But then again, just about anybody fits in that category…
And before anybody writes in (ha, like that'll happen!), I know he isn't actually 85 years old. But age is often a very important factor in deciding who to elect to office, and Volkoff is certainly no spring chicken. Trust me, I have a degree in Political Science. I know what I'm talking about here.
Update on a former Heart Breaker Throb
Former Heart Throb John "Romeo" Roselli has done some work on the HBO series "Rome," and an international commercial for Burlington Coat Factory. Additionally, Roselli has a gig on FUSE's "Pants Dance Off." Wow…who would have thought this guy's career after wrestling would go at least as well as Chris Jericho's? One thing's for sure, Jericho hasn't been on anything good as "Rome".
New Jack in a fight? Who'da thunk it?
New Jack allegedly got in a fight with a security guard at an indy show held last night in Philadelphia. Apparently he asked for Sprite at the refreshment stand and they didn't have it so the woman there gave him a 7-Up. New Jack allegedly threw the drink in the woman's face. It is then reported that the cops showed up, New Jack challenged them to a fight, and then punched one of the cops.
I have to say "allegedly" about all of this because I fear New Jack. Don't you?
Plugs
I got 10 bucks saying that The Triple Threat can't all show up for the same column for the rest of this month.
Speaking of people not showing up, what happened to Rajah from High Road Low Road?
He may be gone, but Mike Hamflett is back after a year's absence. He's apparently taken the time off to read lots of wrestling books.
Weyer shines a spotlight on people he wants to change promotions.
I got 7 out of 8 on Meehan's "Guess The Action Figures". Unfortunately, neither of my Al Snows had black hair and they both had "HELP ME" written on the forehead. Oddly enough, one of them had blonde hair and the other had brown. I didn't realize how much the Snowman was about changing the hair color.
Gamble STILL lives! I don't think he should get too excited about Pitt beating the Cincinnati Bearcats though, considering Cincy is going in as a 58 point underdog against Ohio State.
I need to plug Hidden Highlights because JT whines like a little girl whenever I don't. And don't forget to vote for me against that dirty Jeff Small next week.
The Corner certainly issues its condolences to Larry Csonka on the loss of his father earlier this week.
And don't forget to check out Fact or Fiction starring ME~! Oh yeah, and Sarnecky too. I believe this is the 43rd time we have faced each other…we must have good chemistry or something. I wish I had chemistry with somebody more attractive.
Corner Quickies
Here's some short takes on some news items or events that haven't been discussed yet…
I've been a pretty big Colt Cabana fan since the first time I've seen him wrestle, but I'm not sure I like what he's been doing lately. To be specific, I can't believe that Colt went and screwed around with Lacey in the shower. He should know that Lacey is Jimmy Jacobs' girl, damn it! I've always believed that you don't mess around with women that are already in relationships…would you want somebody doing your girl behind your back? Certainly not. Cabana better watch his back…Jacobs might not be as big as he is, but he's fighting with the power of love, damn it!
And as Back To The Future taught us, with the power of love, anything is possible. Or something like that, I think I just combined two songs there. It's been awhile since I've seen it.
Speaking of ROH, I can't be the only one looking forward to Kamala taking the ROH title from Bryan Danielson on the 30th. Am I?
I can't wait until this CW network finally premieres and I can watch SmackDown again. It's completely off the air now in Cincinnati, which pisses me off to no end. I'm convinced that the people on here who talk about seeing it in WOTW are the only people who can still watch it.
Brian Gerwitz apparently went out into the crowd and introduced himself to a fan who had a "Fire Brian Gerwitz" sign at Raw this week. This poses an interesting question…does this make Gerwitz cool for being nice to his haters, or does it make him a needy mark that craves attention any way he can get it? The answer is probably somewhere in between.
Trish Stratus retires from wrestling this Sunday, and all of your favorite IWC pundits are falling over themselves to kiss her ass and declare her the greatest woman to ever wrestle, nay, the greatest woman to ever live! I don't know if she's the greatest woman to ever live, but she was one heck of a talent and Raw will not be the same without her. Well, actually it probably will be…but damn it, who will our IWC pundits jerk it to on Monday nights now?
Mickie James? OK then.
Of course, I have a lot of room to talk…Impact hasn't been the same to me for months now.
So Blade: The Series is finally over for this season. Did anybody else understand what that show was all about? I lost track around episode 3 or so.
Big football weekend…Louisville takes on Miami in one of the toughest games on our schedule, and the Bengals take on the Browns in a rivalry game. The Browns are not anywhere near the team the Bengals are, but our games always seem to be closer than expected. I'm hoping for 2 victories here, and 4 victories from my fantasy teams…that would be the BEST WEEKEND EVER~!
Tune in next week when I pander for votes in the positivity debate. Obviously y'all like to be bribed, so I'll have to come up with something special. See ya then!
