Truth B Told 9.14.06: It Ain’t Racist If It’s Funny
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 09.14.2006
To me that is. And ain't that all that really matters?
I hope you're prepared, cuz' I warned you last week I was going to go back to hard hitting wrestling journalism, the like that 411 hasn't seen since the days of...Grayson Hamill. *The hell ever happen to that guy??* So I'm going to touch upon a subject that I've been threatening to for sometime. Yeah, it was bound to happen sometime. I figure now is the perfect time to take a look peak at the McMahon empire and try to see what the different between "Edgy" and "Satirical" and "Straight up Racist"....RACIST!!!! There has been much made out of this new "Cryme Tyme" gimmick that has been getting some play on RAW via vignettes. While the first one had them knocking over a smoothie place the other had them beating up and mugging a preppy looking white guy. Some people think it's extremely stereotypical and racist that 2 young black men are being portrayed as "gangstas" and "hoodlums". Others think it's funny to see geeky lookin' White boys beat up by Black dudes. While still others question the social ramifications of a large publicly owned corporation portraying minority men who are at the highest risk of falling into a pattern of negative behavior in situations in which criminal behavior is satirized and therefore dehumanized in a manner which would suggest that the consequences of their actions only serve as a method of entertainment and ignore the larger problem that lack of education and job training leads to such situations in areas of poverty and under employment. Me? I just think it's funny to see white folks get robbed. Hey…it's Truth B Told, not Truth be helpin' some dude getting' jacked for his money clip and iPod.
Well let's look at a few of the somewhat "questionable" gimmicks happening around the WWE and rate them on the "Truth B Told Scale of Racism":
Cryme Tyme
So I've been thinking long and hard about this one as right now it's the most prominent example of a "stereotype gone wrong". While some may argue that this is merely a ‘gimmick' this is rather alarming. I say this because I really question rather Vince would have let this gimmick be done by a tag team of White wrestlers. I somehow doubt it. John Cena was supposed to be a "Thug" but never really did anything Thuggish, more than cheat in the ring or try to rhyme during his promos. Look at Los Guerreros who lied, cheated, and stole. They were portrayed as being dishonest, but not criminals. Kyo Dai was supposed to be Tajiri's back up and patterned after the Japanese Yakuza, but didn't really employ any real gang tactics or behaviors. In fact, did they ever even have a promo or vignette?? There actually was another team who was shown in vignettes committing crimes, or at least alluding to them however. The FBI was shown a few times discussing ‘events' that lead to them getting certain merchandise through some various fortitudinous situations. It was all very "Sopranos-esque". I believe Palumbo was even called "Big Pussy" on occasion. Backstage.
Now looking at the 3 other examples in this situation how does "Cryme Tyme" rank? I think there is probably more emphasis on Cryme Tyme because a) Its on RAW, and the other cases happened on Smackdown…and let's face it…who watches Smackdown??, b) These vignettes are being prior to their debut instead of after, and c) they feature African American males. I'm going to make a very bold statement here, but I think when it comes to recognizing and admonishing stereotypes or perceived racist comments or actions, the African American community seems to garner more attention than other cultures. Mainly I think because they are more vocal. The Asian American community is perceived as being the "model minority" and so well assimilated into American culture that people don't think they are affected. As well as the fact that there is a language barrier as well being the smaller than the Black and Latino communities. Asians are also stereotyped as being very passive and compliant, and while they is somewhat true, they are often ignored. *How do you like THAT sociology, huh??*
The Latino community suffers a similar language barrier although they have a much larger prescence in the United States. I think because for the most part the Latino and Asian American communities haven't had to suffer the same injustices for the most part, that African Americans have had to, and for as long as they had to, they are sometimes taken lightly. As far as Italian Americans go… I have no clue. I should have asked Marisco or Stu about that. I assume they're Italian but I have no idea. I think the stereotype that most Italians are Mobsters is ridiculous. They aren't…they also sell gelato and run espresso shops…that are secret fronts for the mob. Fair enough. In all seriousness though these are ridiculous stereotypes to be sure, but are they really harmful? Is this perpetuating a harmful stereotype or is it merely taking an unimaginative, uninspired, and uncreative route to create fairly 1 dimensional characters on the part of the "Creative" writing staff?
While I don't believe that kids are going to watch the WWE and think that crime is cool and will go out and start robbing folks, I do believe that the stereotype that most young Black men are gang bangers may still be perpetuated. Do you think that the WWE would ever create a Latino tag team known as the "Border Hoppers"? Or a Jewish team called "We Killed Jesus"? Uh…okay, maybe not that exact name, cuz' that's not really catchy. I mean, could you image that team getting over and the crowd chanting "We Killed Jesus *clap clap clapclapclap*" One could argue that at least the WWE is bringing in wrestlers of color. Although, this was probably a gimmick they could have avoided. So far "One Man Gang" and Cena have been their other real attempts at Gang members and they have come up a bit short in my opinion.
I will say though that it's a bit too early to pass judgment on this angle. In fact, this could really just end up being the Black version of Los Guerreros…without the work rate…and mullets. I think it all depends on whether these guys come in as ‘faces' or ‘heels'. My preference would be as ‘faces' only because this could be a fairly hilarious gimmick if not done too seriously. The first time a gun is pulled during a match or someone is scene buying drugs from them and this has gotten way out of hand. Although, how funny would it be to explain a wrestler being suspended per the wellness plan, by showing a backstage segment with said wrestler purchasing something from "Cryme Tyme"? Hell, if they run that angle they should be moved to ECW. The thing is that if they really want to be a ‘face' team, they should immediately beat the crap out of Cena for being a poser. Otherwise, what the hell are they doing on RAW? No real gangsta would stand for that kinda shit. Cena's about as gangsta as Meeh… Coo… Clar… K-Fed at a J.Crew fashion show. Stomp that muthafucka!! Besides, it would be nice to have a…2nd Black ‘face' in the WWE. No, Lashley doesn't count twice, no matter how big he is.
I guess the bottom line, for me at least, is that right now, this is a very stereotypical gimmick. Two young black men are gangstas who are robbing folks and commiting crimes. It isn't racist…yet. This is another WWE idea that they think is pushing the envelope in order to illicit a reaction from the audience. Is it "cheap heat", it kind of is. Does it play into ‘White middle America's' pre-existing stereotypes? Yes it sure enough does. Does it perhaps provide two characters that the young Black urban audience might get behind? Perhaps. Although, I tell you right now, if they job them out to the cheerleaders and Scottish time travelers then there will be hell to pay. Besides, how the hell can two guys who are supposedly from the street lose to two rednecks from the South? Oh lord, the inevitable Cade/Murdoch vs Cryme Tyme feud could be delicious…ly RACIST!!
TBT Racist Scale: Carlos Mencia
Great Khali
To be honest, Khali's wrestling is more offensive than his gimmick. Basically he's a big Indian dude who can't speak intelligible English. Except for the Punjabi Prison match and the fact that he apparently roamed the jungles fighting tigers and shit, nothing else has been alluded to his Indian heritage. No red dot, no curry, no mention of his big Bollywood Adult Movie coming up entitled "Up in dat New Dheli Belly". Chalk it up to another "foreigner" who can't speak English on his own. Actually, make that Asian "foreigner". Man, if it wasn't for Ricky Steamboat, the Mid-West would probably assume the only words we know are "Sucky Sucky 5 dolla" and "Me choppy your pee pee".
TBT Racist Scale: The Casting Directors for Any MTV show.
Fit Finlay
His name is Finlay, and he likes to fight. Well, um, I dunno how really stereotypical that is. I mean, sure it's a stereotype that Irishmen like to fight, but he's also a wrestler. So yes, it's a stereotype, but I guess it's a necessary one if he's gonna actually, be in a profession where fighting is important. The shamrock on the tights and the shillelagh are indicative of him being a "proud Irishman" and sure the nick name "Fighting Irish Bastard" is a bit strong, but still its their to establish his roots and his attitude. Then again…the Leprechaun?? Granted the rumors were that Johnny Ace saddled him with the gimmick after he didn't like him getting over, but…sadly, the Lil' Bastard is over. Waaaaay over. Now that tips the scale on the stereotype scale. Granted it could be worse, its not like Finlay is coming to the ring drunk and beating up is female valet, but still you gotta wonder. I think the best angle would be to have Finlay and Tatanka hook up as a tag team. Their one true bond? Fire water…as the Irish call it. Or ‘Whiskey' to the old Native Americans. They could even keep the midget and have him dress up like a bottle of booze and call him, "The 1/5".
TBT Racist Scale: Abercrombie and Fitch's hiring practices
William Regal
Willy's act has been way toned down, to the point where I'm giving this a pass. I mean the man is English, and his involvement with "King" Booker has been relatively mild and palatable. In fact, this is one of the few gimmicks that seems rather soft. Why isn't this guy slightly more effeminate and his teeth seem unusually straight. At least have the guy run some segments where he's eating "Spotted Dick"…then have Vince ask him to wipe it off when he's done.
TBT Racist Scale: Lita Mouth (not discriminating at all)
Jimmy Wang Yang
This shit is just ridiculous. For real. Basically the WWE thinks we have no idea who this guy is. Like we don't remember he was Chinese in WCW, Japanese on Smackdown a while back, and now he's just a good ol' boy…Never meanin' no harm. Beats all you never saw ,Been in trouble with the law since the day he was born. The thing about this that gets to me is the way they are setting this up. Basically they're making fun of Asians as well as rednecks. So I guess if you make fun of everyone than no one can be offended right? Wrong. I didn't like the fact that he actually used the word "yellow" and alluded that there is nothing Asian about him. Kind of like Lucy Liu, and Panda Express. I don't get this cartoonish angle at all, unless it's just a way to make fun of Asian people who try to be something so opposite from what we're expected to be. But after reading the Smackdown spoilers for tonight…this angle may take an entirely too blatantly racist turn.
This really hasn't had a chance to be played out yet so perhaps I should just reserve my judgment, but this is just horrible. I think the saddest thing about all this is the fact that Jimmy can't even just be Korean. He's actually half Korean and white. But apparently you're either Chinese or Japanese if you're Asian and that's it in wrestling. The WWE never mentions that Batista is half Filipino as was Al Snow. NO wait… he only ate that dog for the Big Bossman feud. Uh…nevermind then. At least have Yang pull a Stone Cold and after a big win have people throw him two cartons of Soy Milk to celebrate. Maybe an angle where he's a math wizard and name all his moves after mathematical equations. The "Baseball Slide Rule", maybe change the Figure 4 to the "Quadratic Equation", or 3.14 Star Splash. I dunno, just talkin' out my ass here. Basically this is a retarded gimmick and to be honest, it's kind of the Asian version of "Curly Bill" from the West Texas Rednecks. What really makes me sad is that Jimmy is the first Asian American in the WWE to be allowed to pretend he can speak perfect English…and trust me y'all, I reckon it's a bit worsen than yer average English…YEEEEE Haw!!
TBT Racist Scale: David Stern
Teddy Long
So what I can figure is that Teddy is a cross between the old WWF manager, Slick, and Samuel L Jackson. Playa. I mean, Holla Holla for the Dolla Dolla my nizzles, but for shizzles I can't belizzle this crock of horizzle shizzle. Dizzle.
TBT Racist Scale: Homey the Clown
The Highlanders
You know, for some reason I'm sure there are a few Scottish people perturbed by this whole "Braveheart" style tag team, but other than the kilts, I'm not sure what makes them so Scottish. I mean, the accents and all, and the fact they are both actually from Scotland, but really that's all. Hell, I'm not even sure what an stereotype is for Scots, is it that they don't know how to use a urinal or that they enjoy lettin' people head butt them? Are the Scots the new Samoans for the 90's? Eh, well I'm not sure how many people think that all Scotsmen are as unsophisticated and backwater as these guys are, but still, not quite as bad as others. Then again, I'm waitin' for people
TBT Racist Scale: Hill Billy Jim-ish
Uuuuuuuumaga
Yeah, this isn't that great either. Basically an island savage. Do they exist? Perhaps. I'm sure there are some Pacific Islanders who don't speak English, but I'm sure they are few and far between. The one thing I know though is that once they get a Cuban guy to teach them to spike their thumb into someone's neck by tying a visual to a cigar…it's all Champagne wishes and Caviar dreams.
TBT Racist Scale: Stephanie McMahon's cleavage (Just more so than necessary)
Carlito Caribbean Cool
I'm not even sure what part of the Caribbean Carlito is from. But you know, I'm not 100% sure any of his gimmick is really prejudice or stereotypical. Unless every person from the Caribbean has an afro and spits fruit at people. Or white girls from Canada can't keep their hands off of them. *there is where I get my first e-mail from the Caribbean that somehow proves that point* oh and since when are apples from the Caribbean? Shouldn't it be a pineapple or coconut or something? Imagine Carlito takin' the time to cut upon a coconut, extract some of the meat…chew it…then spit it out. Now that….that would be…like 3 minutes. Seriously, maybe more.
TBT Racist Scale: Like Charlie Haas's Charisma. Fairly non-existent.
Rene Dupree / Sylvan Grenier
So what I'm getting from this is that French men are gay and French Canadian men are just slightly less so. Hmmm… racist? Nope. Stereotypical. Yes. True? I dunno, we got any French Canadian writers here on 411?
TBT Racist Scale: Where Rob Conway's ‘push' went. Aka, Who cares??
Fairly Recent Gimmicks
Kerwin White
Kerwin White was probably one of the most offensive gimmicks in the past few years. Basically some people looked at it like the WWE was making fun of Caucasians, but in reality when you analyze it, Chavo basically said that the reason he was a loser was because he was Mexican. By renouncing his heritage and becoming White, he would then become a winner. well that's at least what I read into it. Then again, I also got from the WWE that if I beat up a chick's boyfriend and keep beating him up, that she'd sleep with me and I could totally knock her up and force her to marry me. Works for me anyways. I hear that's how Tom Cruiser got his chick.
Mohammed Hassan
The WWE actually had the making of a good character on their hands. Mohammed Hassan should have came in as a face, been mistreated or made fun of and then slowly turned heel. What happened was just a modern day "Iron Sheik" and it failed miserably. Especially after the whole "Smackdown Terrorist Attack" incident. That was just great timing too. Like Matt Striker's comments on ECW. Or when Christopher Reeves got that bicycle from Gene Hackman as a get well soon gift. For some reason the "e" has issues with creating characters that aren't just 1 dimensional, would it kill them to give a wrestler more depth than the
These are all pretty good examples of some very poor decisions made by the creative writing staff, but as we learned from last week's column for those of you who read it…all 18 of you, things could always be worse. So let's look at a few gimmicks that the "e" hasn't touched yet. The key word…yet.
Chicano Heat
Chavo wants to atone for his past indiscretions by embracing his Latino Heritage. Chavo contends that he is proud of his Mexican roots and will fight anyone who challenges him. He is now the "Fighting Mexican Bastardo" this then brings out Fit Finlay. This begins a long feud where Finlay wins the first match with his trusty shillelagh, so the next match Chavo counters that by using his own weapon of choice. A bag of oranges. He also debuts his new finisher, the Wet Back breaker. CHavo also finds a way to neutralize Lil' Bastard as he now brings his "real life" nephew Dominic to the ring with him. Dominic passes the time before he's needed by selling chiclets to crowd and then picking their pockets while they aren't looking. Chavo needs back up in the big 6 man Tag Match at Wrestlemania against Finlay, Regal, and Kennedy so he brings in a new Tag Team, Dirty Sanchez and Jose Cuervo... known as "Espectáculo de burro".
Shelly
Shelton Benjamin is embroiled in a feud with Haas who has decided to drop the Chuck Nor-Haas look and team up with the Highlanders as a Rowdy Chucky Haas type gimmick. Shelton goes on to confront Haas in the ring when he's distracted by the newly turned heel Rory and Robbie. He turns around just as Chuck breaks a watermelon over his head. Shelton decides that he's gone soft and needs to get back to his roots. He then joins Cryme Tyme in a feud with Haas and the Highlanders and goes back to his OVW gimmick. He gets a set of grills and starts wearing a band-aid under his left eye. He Changes move to the "Cross Face Fried Chicken Wing" .
"Don" King Booker T
After the brilliant Smackdown writers decide that EVERY European stereotype should be joined as heels under "King" Booker, they bring back Palumbo to reform the FBI, sans the dresses. Vito and Palumbo start calling Booker "The Don" and doing his bidding. Booker still carries over the "King" gimmick and now is "Don King" Booker. After losing a no holds barred match to new WH Champion Batista after he tied his braids to the bottom rope and pinned him, Booker decides to wear his hair ala Marge Simpson to prevent it the next time. Booker then convinces Bobby Lashley to turn on Batista and go after his belt. "Don King" Booker then retires to become his manager. Bobby Lashley then starts cutting wildly incoherent promos using all the big words that he's memorized from is "Word of the Day" toilette paper that was a gift from Booker. Only in America….Only in America.
Puro Adrenaline
Paul Heyman decides that he wants to build the cruiserweight division in ECW so he actually does bring in some guys from Japan. First he brings back Tajiri, then he brings back Kenzo Suzuki, then he mines the Japan HUSTLE promotion one last time to bring in the crown jewel…Razor Ramon HG. They challenge any cruiserweight from any company to take them on because "they're not yellow". The new stable dominate the competition by stealing other well known finishing moves. The often employ the Nip Hop Drop from the top rope, and the double team back of the head clothesline that they call "Pearl Habor"..
Spankowitz
Brian Kendrick aka Spanky and Paul London break up after failing to win back the Tag Titles from "Teacher's Pets". In a crisis of faith Spanky converts to Judaism. He decides that London's lack of faith is what cost them their titles. Spankowitz teams up with a newly reformed Mashuganuh Shane Helms. With a newly expanded moveset featuring the Draddleshock, Shooting Star of David Press, and generally counters London's "American strong style" with his own brand of martial arts. Jew-do.
The Truth
Okay, okay, okay, so the term "Racist" is a little strong. After all, it's only wrestling, right? It would be like getting upset if on an episode of "American Idol" Paul Abdul was gushing on about a contestant and made an off colored comment. "That was fantastic…all I can say is *Stands up and makes touchdown gesture*, you look and sounded great, I can't believe you're only 16, if you were 2 years older, or if you'd sign this non-disclosure agreement, I would have you hitting the high notes all night long. Just a great job". While some people argue that television shows and networks have a duty to not promote hate, stereotypes, or prejudgices when they air their programs. However it seems that wrestling has basically been left alone in that respect. There are much more important things to pay attention to, like the violence. So basically because wrestling is so ‘violent' and ‘corny' its not taken seriously by anyone else. *Oh by the way kids, violence against women isn't ok, unless they cost you some kind of match the previous week, then feel free to put them through some wood. Uh…not put some wood through…nevermind*
There are some pretty borderline gimmicks that some people feel are offensive. But the problem is that no one is willing not to watch an entire show because of one or two gimmicks they disagree with. So the dances goes on. Basically the WWE just keeps pushing the line hoping to create their own controversy hoping it will result in ratings. Which is stupid because one controversial angle won't make someone who doesn't like wrestling suddenly decide that they really deeply care about Hacksaw Jim Duggans and Eugene. In other cases the "e" just got lazy and decided to keep rehashing old tired, and semi-stereotypical gimmicks. Oh well, its all a part of the entertainment, either you take the good with the bad, or you just watch TNA. *Oh btw, if we see a Jewish Spanky or the Cross face Fried chicken wing, I expect to see my check in the mail WWE*
Coming Up Short
So let me get this right. DX was hyped and brought back in order to get…Vince McMahon over? That's really it right? They feud with the Spirit Squad because Vince sends them after DX. They briefly feud with and lose to Umaga because Vince makes him his own Savage Hitman. *Hmm…Macho man and Bret united??* Then it's the ECW champ on RAW so that the McMahons can get one last match? Shit, great job Vince, way to put over young talent by jobbing them to DX while you get to masturbate in front of a live audience every Monday night. Well so far DX's run is like Vince's dick is gonna be in 2 years after all the steroid abuse…coming up short.
6 Degrees of…
Mark Satrang got an uncontested win last week, no such luck this week however. B--
I feel like that kid that gets told the party is one place and then everyone else goes to somewhere else to lose me. But if everyone else went to Andy Clark's then frankly I don't think that's a party I want to be at. Ah, what the hell, I suck. But I do get to pick a degree for next week. How can I top Nicky from the Spirit Squad or The Warlord? *looks through Obsessed With Wrestling's massive profile list at work* Oh yeah, here we go, one of my all time favorites, a guy who's way underrated and should be where Test and Mike Knox are right now: Sean O'Haire.
Hey, hey hey now Mark, let's not be hasty, Andy happens to throw one HELL of a party. In fact he was gracious enough to invite me to one last month, but I already had plans. He insisted I bring my girl along with me too. What a guy…it was a theme party too, something about Swing dancing, or swinging…something. I just remember he mentioned something about keys…and a bowl…I dunno, kinda fuzzy on what the e-vite said but I remember JT said it was a total "Spot fest". Whatever that means.
Funny you should mention O'Haire as he too was one of my favorite gimmicks that fell flat. The problem is that the "e" was short sided in tying him to Roddy Piper instead of just letting him run on his own. Plus…that was a great ‘heel goatee'. A true ‘face' can't grow a choice goatee like that…pure heel. Well, I have no real good link up in mind so maybe I'll just try this real flimsy one.
Don't trust a man who only tells you what you want to hear. Sure O'Haire was the "Devil's Advocate", but Dr. Phil....is the devil himself. Well, not himself, more like middle management in the Devil's privately held company. Just wait till it goes public... alright, enough slackin' get to work!!
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Lots of feedback this week, B likes....B likes.
Pete drops by to ask where Maria's been:
Been meaning to write for while and tell you how much I love your column. Sure I dabble in a little of MeeThinks and I'm a hardcore EWR fan thanks to Hayhurst but I can always count on TBT for some insight and some genuine laugh out loud moments. Thanks for all the hard work. BTW, I can't wait to see Maria interview the Boogeyman or a returning Chris Benoit...I'm just sayin'.
Pete
Well Petey glad that TBT can provide the necessary service of providing low brow humor for you, we aims to please. I'll admit that there are definitely a few columns I make sure to read every week and without a doubt I myself NEVER miss a week of TBT. Seriously, that is just great stuff. That's not just lip service either. No no, that's Lita's job. Any who, Maria is due back in the next week or two as RAW has been kind of stale, I think its time Maria went on the road to Smackdown and ECW to get the news that's so hard hitting it's almost guaranteed to fail the wellness program
Not sure what to make of this next guy but...well...see for yourself.
that leftover about Lita becoming Super Mamavergas was fucking hilarious!! I laughed for a long time about that one, didn't help that I was trying to feed my 7 month old son(future lucha star) at the time. I wonder how many people are actually going to get it. If you print any of this, or comment on it, please refer to me as Simon Cabron.
Thanks, and keep up the good work!!!!
Well Cabron...I'm glad that a little well placed humor in espanol could incite a little laughter. Now while the surgeon general suggests that TBT be kept at least 10 feet from infants at all time, I'm sure the mini-luchador will one day enjoyed the time honored tradition of making Lita jokes at every possible moment. And to think I was going to go with the tidbit about Lita retiring soon and hosting the New RAW A.M. which would be called "Prostituta Gigante".
My Homeboy Travis homewood approves of the new, "all spots, less psychology" turn that TBT has taken:
Look feedback!!! Another good column. Makes me feel completely justified in starting the DON'T FIRE DOMINGO chants during the short lived Cook regime. Although he says I should hit you up for some hot random asian bitches for trying to keep you on 411. any way have a good week and can't wait till next weeks column.
Well I definitely appreciate the support, there is a growing sentiment backstage at 411 that I will just never be a real "Draw" but I say, bull pucky to that. Its all politics Travis...Politics. Now while I can't actually hook you up with a real LIVE random hot Asian chick I can point you to some of the place they might frequent. Boba shops, Forever 21, Sanrio Stores, high school. Just to name a few. Well, that is in America. If you're across the pond then I have no idea. But I'll tell you this much, I absolutely REFUSE to give you some kind of idea where to indulge your Asia Phile desire in the LA area. That's just wrong. Besides, who needs a RHAB anyways right? Riiiiight? Dude, zip it back up and answer me already.
Wow, this week's feedback just gets weirder and weirder, like dating Mickie James, one would imagine:
B,
Please do me a favor! When you post the Random Asian Bitch, please, please please either make a link to more of her or tell us her name so we can do "research" on our own. You would make this sumbitch very happy!
Thanks, Bill from Waterbury, CT
Bill, Bill, Billy Bill Bill. If I TOLD you where to find the RHAB's then why would you need to read my column every week? The bold and honest insight into the industry? The knee slapping comedy? No. Its the hot Asian bitches. They're the sizzle and the steak, BABY!! Besides, it would be irresponsible of me to tell you that if you type Hiromi Oshima into a Google Image search you'd get like a dozen naked pictures of her. No way, forget it pal. Nice try.
6 Degrees Results
It's either feast or famine at when it comes to 6DO, this week, it's Fat Thursday:
Last week's winner, and only contestant, Mark Satrang enters a fairly Muppet light entry:
Anyways this week's entries, Kermit to New Jack:
1) Kermit once guested hosted "The Tonight Show" in 1979, that was normally hosted by Johnny Carson...
2) Carson gave up his hosting gig to Jay Leno in 1992...
3) Leno beat Hollywood Hogan and Eric Bischoff at Road Wild. His tag team partner was Diamond Dallas Page...
4) DDP won the European Title off of Christian...
5) Christian and D-Von Dudley were two of the six men that re-ushered in great tag team wrestling in the late '90s/early 2000's with the TLC matches...
6) D-Von Dudley was actually Mass Transit's tag team partner the night New Jack cut him up...
Not bad, not bad, but bringing up one of the worst PPV matches I had ever seen didn't endure you much to the judging panel. Jay Leno has more PPV wins right now than Bryan Danielson does. How sad is that?
Honorable Mention
Good effort from Fixxer315:
Here's a chain from New Jack to Kermit the Frog
New Jack's ECW Theme song was "Natural Born Killaz" by Dr. Dre & Ice Cube
Ice Cue starred in Boyz N the Hood, with Cuba Gooding Jr.
Cuba Gooding Jr. appeared in Rat Race (2000) with Seth Green
Seth Green appeared in Austin Powers Goldmember with Michael Caine
Michael Caine starred in Dirty Rotten Scoundrels with Steve Martin
Steve Martin did a cameo appearace in the Muppet Movie, staring Kermit the Frog.
You can also shorten this by one if you consider that Michael Caine was in a Muppet Christmas Carol.
That was a mighty solid effort, however one has to wonder what even happened to Cuba? The man was gettin' a serious push from Hollywood then he ended up with some bad matches and now he's like curtain jerkin' against Eugene on Heat. Just sad. Not so much where Cuba is, but that I can't stop using wrestling as an analogy for everything. Seriously, I've actually accused women of "no selling me" in bed. I mean, I figured we'd just improvise due to the time constraints and go right to "the finish". Hey, it's what true veterans do, am I right? Well that and I also tend to make them play my "entrance" music right before I....
Chen Arbel must have lost his mind after mentioning one of the worst TV shows hat Hulk Hogan has ever starred in. Wait...where's that list again?:
Cuh-rrrrazy. But not as hard as you'd think. Here I go, reclaiming my throne (after a streak of... 1 >_> ):
1. Kermit was in the Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005) along with Quentin Tarantino, playing himself.
2. Tarantino directed Reservoir Dogs, featuring the late Chris Penn as "Nice Guy" Eddie Cabot.
3. Penn was in Brosnan/Hayek/Harelson vehicle After The Sunset, along with Obba Babatundé.
4. Obba guest starred in the Hogan-led Thunder In Paradise, a show in which another guest star was Terry Funk (And Sting too).
5. In MLW Wargames in 2003, Funk led the Funkin' Army: Himself, Sabu, Dr. Death and the Sandman.
6. Also in 2003, in TNA, Sandman won the Hard 10 hardcore tournament. The man he beat in the finals? New Jack.
Yeah, when I think of Hulk Hogan, I think ‘obba' too. Then again, you know how funny us ‘china men' talk.
#3
Kermit the Frog is a Jim Henson creation, as is "The Dark Crystal".
Frank Oz, was one of the chief puppeteers in The Dark Crystal
Frank Oz was also involved in the Sesame Street series.
Michel Jackson appeared in the 1978, A Special Sesame Street Christmas.
In the Michael Jackson video for "bad", Wesley Snipes played Mini Max, MJ's nemesis in the video.
Wesley Snipes starred in New Jack City, which obviously shares its name with New Jack.
Vaughn Danger Swift
Yep, I was hoping someone would link either Snipes or Ice T to New Jack. Either that or talking about how after New Jack failed, they just called him "Classic Jack". Seriously, it beats the hell out of that nasty "Crystal Jack" back in the 90;s.
#2
DJP has alot of time on his hands. Either that or his company doesn't monitor his internet usage enough? Good bless America.
Well, first time for everything:
1) Kermit the Frog costarred with Hulk Hogan in the film Muppets From Space
2) Hulk Hogan won the WWE tag team titles with Edge on July 4, 2002 Smackdown.
3) Edge slept with Matt Hardy's girlfriend, Lita. (Of course, who hasn't?)
4) Lita and the Hardy Boys teamed up against the Dudley Boys and Stacey Keibler on Smackdown in late February, 2002.
5) D-Von Dudley teamed up with Mass Transit in Revere, Massachusetts in the original ECW.
6) Mass Transit was the victim of New Jack in that match, where New Jack claimed he was going to "Kill this fat mother fucker."
but perhaps you like more celebrity oriented ideas...
1) Kermit the Frog costarred with Tim Curry in the movie Muppet Treasure Island.
2) Tim Curry starred in Rocky Horror Picture Show as Dr. Frank N. Furter, a sweet transvestite.
3) Speaking of Sweet Transvestites, in the film Mrs. Doubtfire, Robin Williams plays a transvestite.
4) Robin Williams plays a gay drag club owner in the film The Birdcage.
5) The internation symbol for Gay Lesbian Bisexual and Transgender is a pink triangle, which is also a song on the album Pinkerton by Weezer.
6) Weezer sings the song El Scorcho with the line "watchin' Grunge legdrop New Jack through a press table" bases on a picture in PWI.
finally, the muppet version!
1) Kermit the Frog is part of a trans species relationship with Miss Piggy.
2) Miss Piggy is the object of lust by Gonzo in the show Muppet Babies.
3) Gonzo, in grown up life, is also in love with Camilla the Chicken.
4) Camilla is easily distinguished by her blue eyelides.
5) Another muppet with blue eyelids is "The Reject" Shannon Moore, part of the new ECW.
6) In the original ECW, New Jack was one of the most hardcore of the original kings of violence.
Wait, Shannon Moore isn't a muppet? (Cue Ron Simmons voice) Well I'll be damned!
You know, maybe Shannon Moore is a muppet. I think I remember him being the Drummer in that band, Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem.
#1.
A 6DO virgin gets his cherry popped at #1 this week, good job Rich C
Kermit to New Jack
Lets see if we can't hit a little of everything.
1. Kermit the frog was voiced by Jim Henson.
2. Jim Henson once had a recurring skit on Saturday Night Live, which was once hosted by former kiddy and cop favorite Pee Wee Herman.
3. Pee Wee Herman stared in "Pee Wee's Big Adventure " (insert cheap joke here), which also had a small part for Kevin Arnold's older brother Jason Hervey.
4. Jason Hervey left his day job and decided to show up at Clash of the Champions XV (taking a phone to the head from one Paul E. Dangerously), which was headed lined by a world title defense from Ric "Space Mountain" Flair… WOOOOOOOO!
5. Ric Flair and his 4 horsemen buddies spent most of the late 80's beating the crap out of my favorite tag team Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson.... The Rock and Roll Express (hey I was 11 at the time).
6. While in Smokey Mountain Wrestling the Rock and Roll Express had a memorable tag fued with the Gangstas, which of course consisted of Mustafa Saed and one New Jack.
By the way, who in their right mind would go from 2 kiddie personality to the inventors of the Double Drop kick with a little space mountain in between?
I knew that publicly masturbating kids show host could be linked back in less than 2 degrees to that lovable wholesome Pee Wee Herman. Seriously, if MY tongue was like the same length as my body...I wouldn't even have time to write this week's column. Look, if wanting to have the ability to orally pleasure yourself is considerd "Gay", then...call me Rene Dupree. I'm Hardcore, I'm Hardcore. Well good job Richie, now get to thinkin' up a good contestant for next week.
Left Overs…
Nice jump chubby. Who says that Jeff Hardy couldn't stop himself from getting high? I think the only thing the Caramel Addict Enigma has been snortin' lately is Andouille Sausage.
You ever have that dream about these young and eager Cheerleaders rolling around with sweaty topless plaid skirt wearing...Scottish guys? Great, well they better not fuck with my love of French maids damn it.
Way to carry that ECW banner Big Show, right to RAW. Hardcore Giant or Hardcore Prostitute. You be the judge. No, I will. Hooker.
Brad Armstrong in ECW? Wow, what a Buzzkill.
Shannon Moore had more silent promo time than he did time in the ring vs CM Punk. Well the "Princess of Punk" should be happy, after he was slapped around by CM Punk and pinned by Punk, at least HE didn't have to valet for Michael Shane for 3 years.
Look, anytime you put Balls up against Thornes, you know nothing good is gonna come out of it. Except maybe blood.
The Rock has a busy schedule as he promotes his movie "Gridiron Gang". He visits David Letterman, then Conan O'Brian, then ‘The Best Damn Sports Show', then will round it off by visiting the "Hair Club For Men". I don't know what's receding quicker, The Rock's hairline or Chris Master's body.
How the hell does a Lamborghini just catch on fire? With your parents in it? Luckily no one was hurt because Hulk wouldn't have been able to put himself off if his plastic hip caught on fire. In order to Stop, Drop, and Roll, you have to lie down for more than 2 seconds.
CM Punk vs Mike Knox? It's not punk's fault Kelly Kellyington McKellyberger was all up on his nuts. The man has fucked some of wrestling's finest divas. I wish he would change his catch phrase though to reflect that, "I'm drug free and alcohol free, my addict, is mildly used diva tang... ".
Maybe its just me but Rene Dupree just looks weird, like his body. It just looks like an odd jumble of shapes that were put together haphazardly. I'm serious, his chest looks like a box full of legos.
Batista will be making a cameo on Smallville as a sort of cross promotion for CW and WWE. Makes perfect sense to me, if anyone could come from a city called Metro-polis, it's Batista.
Colt Cabana, Jack Evans, Claudio Castagnoli and Jimmy Jacobs will participate in a 4-corner survival match in RoH this weekend. So that means CC vs JJ vs CC vs J....E. Damn it Jack, get with the program would ya?
For cheating on the wellness program you now get 30 days without pay, but you still work TV and PPV's so storylines can continue. Its like finding out your girlfriend cheated on you, then telling her "For the next 30 days, we're going dutch". That'll learn her.
Spirit Squad, Umaga ,SMackdown Heel Mid-carders, Cade & Murdoch, I'm willing to bet that the next McMahon Chronies are the Mean Street Posse...oh wait...they showed up before Umaga.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Oh SURE, it's easy for YOU to take those things off, we gotta do it no look behind the back
Kanyon accuses WWE for firing him for wanting to come out, which is just ridiculous in my opinion. I mean, how often can you find a guy that is more than willing to "do the job" for any sweaty hunk of muscle you ask him to? Oh that's right, the deck of the Starship Enterprise.
The lap dance Joey Styles received from Ariel (Shelly Martinez) on ECW was Vince idea of "making him humble" is it? Shit, he should be glad the Iron Sheik didn't get his shot.
Pimpin' In High Places
If you Pimp Them, they will...ignore you. For the most part:
Just S'pose begs the question, what would have happened had Kurt Angle joined ECW. I mean...earlier, not now. Cuz' we all know the answer to that. It's C. Just like most scan tron tests in Middle School.
Csonka talks about something pretty deep, pay your respects, go read it, and show some love.
Ask 411 is proof positive that no matter how long the internet exists...people are just too lazy to look up Lenny Lane's theme music.
Sforcina finishes off Kane in Evo Scheme. But I don't mean "finishes off" in an extra $80 at a strip club kinda way. Or do I?
Jules has the Top 10 table dances. Wait...lemme see that again...oh...spots. Yeah, I've left a few "Spots" on a few tables myself. Um....move along folks, move along.
Clarkorcina wants to know what you'd do with the TLC match between Cena and Edge. My suggestion? Forget the 10,000 tacks match, make it the 10,000 ladders match. Yeah, try to get in the ring now fuckers.
I'm convinced that the Crosby, Stills, and Alex The J's think that "Cryme Tyme" is all good fun. Sure, until they knock over a Jamba Juice near you. Then whatcha gonna do huh? HUH? WELL?? Oh yeah, Robecks.
It's Ary Tyme, now that RoH is done with CZW, something tells me that CHIKARA ain't far away. American Dragon vs Retail Dragon vs Dragon Dragon. Oh yeah...that's more Dragon than you can shake a Dragon at.
You know, I'm not hyper sensitive when it comes to race, everyone has the right to make fun of everyone, it's America, not some backwards ass country run by some moronic dictator that wants to control the minds and voices of everyone...like America. Sheeesh. I think when it comes to race and religion we should all be a little more sensitive than we normally would just to be courteous to our fellow man, besides, we're all human beings right? Except for chicks...they're simply our play things, they don't have feelings. *except you sweetie...he..hehe...he....shit...note to self, disconnect girlfriend's internet this weekend*Oh, well nothing really nothing funny to end this with except for this little quiz: Take a look at this Chick for 3 seconds, then close the window. Go ahead. Ready? Okay...now what color were her eyes? The answer? Who cares. I'm fuckin' dead when I get home tonight.
