Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People 09.28.06: Heroes of Burke County

Posted by Ryan Byers on 09.28.2006

Four untrained rednecks. Three minute long bladejobs. Two chains. One reviewer shaking his head.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Cheap Wrestling for Cheap People. This week, we've got something different. We've got something that I did on a complete and utter whim.

I recently visited Highspots.TV, a video on demand service that I reviewed in full a few months ago. I was just there out of curiosity, seeing what had been added recently. Being the cheapskate that I am, I made sure to check the "free videos" section, where I found a new offering labeled "Heroes of Burke County." I'd seen this program for sale on Highspots in DVD format before, but the product description wasn't complete enough to let me know exactly what it was. However, the file size was large enough to indicate to me that we were dealing with a full-length feature here . . . so I decided to download it and give it a shot.

What I saw was one of the most bizarre spectacles that I had ever seen in my life. This 45 minute documentary style film follows the exploits of a series of backyard wrestlers in North Carolina, some of whom may be inbred and all of whom sound like they've got a fifth grade education. Tops. I've watched the thing a couple of times now, and I still can't decide whether it's hilarious or a sad commentary on certain segments of our society. Go ahead and read my review to decide for yourself . . . and, if you dare, head over to Highspots and watch it for yourself.

We open with a generic interviewer guy and an individual named "Little Donnie." Just to fully set the scene, Donnie is pudgier than just about any professional wrestler that you've ever seen, and from the way he talks he may just be a notch or two above mentally handicapped. Donnie sets up clips of himself in a hardcore match, and then we go to highlights of him getting hit with and hitting people with various objects. He notes that in tonight's match he will be "dog chained with chains." He describes his wrestling style as "good."

Now we go to JC Steele, who is somehow even fatter than Donnie, though he's a bit more articulate. He's shown hitting the weakest chain shots in existence on Donnie, and JC refers to them as "pretty brutal." Then Steele is shown dry humping an opponent . . . oh, wait, he's supposed to be choking him.

Competitor Number Three: "Big Time" Bray, who is also obese and is sixteen years old. He gets shown in a match against a guy who actually has a physique and some trunks, which probably got him barred from BCW for looking too professional. Bray takes a ridiculous bump over the top rope, throwing himself over in such an obvious fashion that a three year old kid wouldn't buy it. He also introduces us to the BCW Tag Team Title belts, which of course are replica WWE titles with the logo scratched off. "Is that paint or white out?" asks the interviewer. Bray then notes that his favorite move is the cross body, and dear lord they actually show him hitting one. It looked like a shoot cross body, which is NOT a compliment for a move in which one man is supposed to be catching another.

Last but not least is Gorgeous Jeff, a "seventeen year veteran" and "ten time World Champion." He founded BCW, so there's the guy to send your death threats to. Sadly, he's too articulate to really be amusing. Note that I didn't say that he sounded SMART, but he's a Rhodes (not Dusty) Scholar compared to the other three men that we've seen thusfar. After his interview for the documentary, Jeff hits the ring and cuts a promo. He's bad, but not comedically bad. He brings out his tag team partner Bray, noting that they have a "father-son relationship." You know, I wouldn't claim either one of them as a relative unless I was absolutely forced to. Jeff apparently sees the light and agrees with me, as he ambushes Bray and gives him a neckbreaker. The Gorgeous One explains his action by saying that he hates the town that they're in . . . which happens to be Bray's hometown. Then he drops the bombshell: Tonight, Jeff will be COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT~! to show Bray who's boss.

Now we've got an interview with the Hammer, who appears to be a manager that's dressed as the biker from the Village People. Well, if the biker from the Village People wore short shorts and velcro orthopedic shoes. The interviewer clears up the first question that I had, as Hammer explains that he is not related to Van Hammer. He says that he doesn't wrestle in BCW, because the fans don't deserve to see his "skeel." I don't know what "skeel" is, but I'm guessing it's his finisher. He drops an even bigger bombshell than Jeff's, letting us know that WRESTLING IS NOT FAKE~! He'll show that to us if we get too close to him. He also notes that he's not very good at cutting promos, which is a great quality for a manager to have.

The main event of the evening is now set up, and it's a "Lightning Strikes" match, which is basically a tag team chain match. JC lets us know that he is unaware of where the name came from. Sadly, there will be no thumbtacks in the match tonight, as Donnie informs us that the last time the promotion used them their fans complained of getting flat tires. (The "card" is being held in a parking lot.)

And here we go with the contest itself. It's Donnie and Steele against Jeff and some random hillbilly . . . no word on what happened to Bray. Maybe it was past his bedtime. Everybody is adorned with chains. We've got a surprisingly large crowd of about fifty people, and most of the audience looks more like professional wrestlers than the guys in the ring. When the bell rings, it's Steele against random hillbilly and Donnie against Jeff. "Use the chain!" the crowd yells, and JC obliges him by sloooooowly driving it in to random hillbilly's head many times. I don't think I should have to say this, but the match is ridiculously bad. Jeff is the only individual who comes close to taking anything resembling a professional bump thanks to a cookie sheet shot from Donnie. All four mens' concept of selling consists of laying around and making noises that sound like they're having fairly uncomfortable sex. Hell, even the REFEREES are incompetent, as a pin attempt takes place in front of one of them for literally thirty seconds without a count being administered. Eventually the heels try to bail, but they can't because they're chained to the faces. So what's a good guy to do? They gently tug the chains, which for some reason causes the bad guys to tag turns slowly walking in to the ringpost. Well, at least the ring looks somewhat professional. It may also be the most charismatic participant in the match.

Jesus Christ, there's twenty minutes left in this abomination. I hope most of it is post-match promos. Then, as if things weren't bad enough, Donnie rolls under the ring and decides that it's time to blade. I don't know how heavily this is edited, but the film makes it look like the whole process takes roughly five minutes. At one point he rolls out from under the ring and asks the cameraman for help opening the razor that he has with him. When he FINALLY emerges, it looks like he nicked himself while shaving his unibrow. For some reason he tosses the blade to the referee for disposal instead of just leaving it under the ring. They must be really worried about those flat tires. Eventually he gets the blade back and lays in the corner, having an audible conversation with the cameraman about whether or not he's gotten enough color. Hearing the cameraman (who is clearly aware how big of a joke this is) encouraging him to cut his forehead just a few more times is simultaneously the most hilarious and disturbing thing I've ever seen.

Then we pan to a crowd shot, and holy shit there are actually WOMEN at this ridiculous event. I'm not talking about hideous sea hags either. Some of these women are actually good looking, and they're actually chanting for JC Steele. If this guy can get any kind of female interested in him, I suddenly feel five billion times more pathetic for being single. Hold on a second . . . PEOPLE'S ELBOW BY BRAY! PEOPLE'S ELBOW BY BRAY! Sadly, it's not the finish, and, even more sadly, he took one of the simplest moves in the history of professional wrestling and managed to screw it up. I'm still waiting for those post-match promos. Somebody please give them the signal to go home. Somehow an ironing board gets in to the ring, and Steele's torso is laid on it. Fortunately he was smart enough not to put his whole weight on the thing, because it would have collapsed. Bray comes off of the second rope with a splash on to JC, which sends them both through the ironing board. Steel decides to completely no-sell the fact that he was the one who took this move, immediately popping out from under his opponent and scoring the pin.

After the match, in true head booker fashion, Jeff decides that he's going to steal all of the heat by ambushing the victors and leaving them laying. I do finally get that post-match promo that I wanted, but there's nothing of note . . . aside from Donnie looking like he's holding back ten gallons of vomit through the whole thing.

Hammer gets one last moment in the spotlight, letting us all know that he thought the match sucked. That's the smartest thing anybody says in this video.

And that does it for Heroes of Burke County. If you're the sort of person who can be amused by poorly executed backyard wrestling, then it's for you. Again, it's a free download at Highspots, and you can get the whole thing on DVD for $10 if you're that big of a fan. Even if you don't want to watch the movie after reading my review, it's worth it to follow the link to read the comments that were left by some of the subjects of the piece. Some of them feel like they were "made fun of" and "exploited." Parish the thought.