Truth B Told 11.02.06: Better Off Indy
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 11.02.2006
Is the WWE a dream come true, or a dream come screwed?
The WWE must think this is the off-season because they are scouting free agents like crazy. First it's Colt Cabana, Claudio Castagnoli and Monty Brown. Then word gets out that they may be interested in Chris Hero, after someone saw a tape of his word in England, and now the latest rumor is Bob Sapp?? So between Bobby Lashley, Monty Brown, and Bob Sapp, I think we can all surmise that Vince has a sweet tooth, and the only cure is mounds and mounds of chocolate. Hmm…that may either be a joke about Black wrestlers…or Vince having a fetish for being shit on. Either one works here. Something odd I thought was when it was reported that someone had to see a tape of Hero in England, I mean, doesn't Vince have guys checking out the Indy and international scenes as a full-time job? How hard could it be? You could hire a damn teenager to keep tabs on the Indy scene and pay them in DVD's and autographed Diva lingerie pics. Hell, I'd sign up for a year for a copy of "Royal Rumble" and a hummer from Mickie James. But I digress. Vince himself probably doesn't know KENTA from Senshi or Roderick Strong from Andy Roddick. I'm sure he's still trying to get Johnny Ace to sign that hot Puro free agent people keep talking about, Benny Hana.
One could argue that Vince is merely looking for the best "prospects" around, knowing that with attrition, as long as a few guys pan out then the other dozen or so that don't weren't any great loss. Another argument is that Vince didn't want to play with those toys until someone else decided they wanted to. But the real question is: Does Vince end up just breaking those toys in the end? Let's look at some of the guys Vince has signed off the Indy circuit in the past 3 or so years and see how they've done. Keep in mind guys like Cena, Orton, Batista, etc. basically grew up in OVW and weren't on the Indy circuit long enough to be established stars, hence there is no way to know how good they really were before Vince got his "choco-holic" hands on them. So we'll go in descending order from the guys who benefited the most from Vince's ownership…I mean, influence, to those who might have been better off in the Indys.
Carlito
Give the Devil his due, Carlito is one of the best examples of the WWE taking a fairly well known Indy talent (or International in Carlito's case) and elevating him to a new level in the WWE. Well that is if you consider going from being a multi-time champion in one federation to a mid-carder on a grander scale. In the WWC (World Wrestling Council) in Puerto Rico, Carlito was the 8 time Universal Title holder. Beating Ray Gonzalez 3 times, Vampiro, Sabu, Konnan, and Bronco. He also held the Tag Titles there twice with his brother Eddie and with Konnan. In the WWE he beat John Cena for the U.S. title in his Smackdown debut and beat Shelton Benjamin for the I.C. title on his RAW debut. Then he…um… feuded with Shelton…and teamed with and then feuded with Chris Masters…for like a week. Then he…um… turned face and kissed Trish Stratus and….er…um… jobbed to Randy Orton…well maybe he should debut on ECW so he'd get another title.
Okay, granted, the booking gods haven't been so kind to Carlito but the man has been recognized as being in the next generation of superstars to take WWE to the next decade. He also has been embraced by the IWC and many are looking at him as a near lock to hold a big belt in the near future. While some in Puerto Rico may not look at the Intercontinental and U.S. titles as a step up…the rest of the wrestling world does. I've never actually heard anyone say, "Sure, he's the U.S. champ…but that don't mean SHIT compared to the Madagascan Champ…I'm talkin' Mad-a-gas-car". Or have I? The ‘e' managed to actually elevate a guy, although perhaps not as much as he could be, and not totally limit his potential at the same time. Then again, raise of hands for those hoping while he was teaming with Masters he would have stolen the "Afro Ram" from D-Ray3000? While Carlito's promos have become fewer and far between, his in-ring work has undoubtedly improved. Good job Vinny Mac.
CM Punk
The IWC Messiah for so many years, the straight edge Indy legend was being wooed by both TNA and WWE. Who knew that the WWE was the right place for him to go. ECW is actually a great fit for him…as a heel. Problem is that he's a face right now, and this is the ‘new' WWECW and right now he's stuck in mid-card hell on ECW. His programs with Justin Credible, Shannon Moore, and now Mike Knox isn't exactly setting the world a blaze. Problem is the guys he should be going after, RVD, Sabu, and Sandman are all faces so unless he goes heel he really has no compelling feuds. Other than that he's been relegated to garbage time duty while jobbing out every wrestler that ECW ever decided should have extended vignettes for prior to debuting.
Punk's straight edge gimmick has been kept fairly intact although like I said before a heel turn would work nicely in him going after known boozers and abusers in the form of the rest of the ECW originals. Maybe then we wouldn't keep getting the same cookie cutter matches each week. Also I hate how neither of the announcers seem to know what part of the body the ‘Anaconda Vice' really works as a submission hold. To their credit however, WWECW has made CM Punk look like the heir to the ECW throne in his vignettes, mic work, and ability to job out seemingly everyone not wearing a sweater vest. My greatest fear was that CM Punk would end up being a cartoonish version of his Indy gimmick and basically end up becoming Stevie Richard's Right to Censor character. Which also would have been cool in a way…Punk dressed as a Jehovah's Witness?? "Excuse me…have you opened your heart and let Jesus Christ into your heart? No? Well hope about opening up your ass so I can put my boot in it." Hmm…then again, maybe I just stumbled into Punk's and Maria's scripted foreplay. Just replace the word ‘boot' with the word…uh…nevermind. WWE has a potential winner on their hands if they can do something, ANYTHING to advance his character and give him someone decent to feud with. And for God's sake, bring back the TV title already if you're not going to give RVD the belt back for Punk to go after. Or…at least the Webcast Title. Let's get 2006 here people.
Mickie James
She went from wrestling all over the country to being Raven's back up in TNA to being CM Punk's personal nut rag, to becoming the most compelling new Diva in years, to becoming an after thought in the new unfocused Women's division on RAW and being the Demi Moore to Ken Doane's Ashton Kutcher. Quite a couple of years for the former Alexis Laree. To be honest, going from being Punk's nut rag to Ken Doane may or may not be a step down depending on how the next year plays out. Could be worse…at least she's fuckin' the best Spirit Squader out of the bunch. Imagine the poor skank who has to fake it for Mitch every week? Poor Nicky. Anyhow, Mickie James rise from being an Indy main stay to being one of the top two divas on a national stage. Then sunk back to relative obscurity amongst a slew of untalented bimbos on RAW, who also is inexplicably a ‘face' now. Well I'm going to give the ‘e' points on at least making her a house hold name. However I think the real credit goes to Mickie's ability to play a convincing lesbian psycho, having a ‘serious' badunkadunk, and giving us one of the most memorable Wrestlemania moments that will never be seen on DVD.
Paul London
Former student of HBK's, RoH graduate, and well traveled Indy high flyer, London took his game to the WWE and ended up capturing some gold, Cruiserweight AND 2-time Tag Champion. Too bad his style has been fairly stunted in the WWE as he's been relatively grounded and has had to rely on his A.S.S. to compete in the tag ranks. Shackling the best "Shooting Star Press" in wrestling just seems criminal. London has gotten some run in the CW division…when they had one, and currently has held the Tag Titles for a good long while. Currently The Hooliganz have been feuding with the Teacher's Pets along with….um….yeah. The Tag Division on Smackdown is as sparse as the CW division. London has at least done well outside of his ‘losing streak' gimmick and if he could get back to his ‘high risk' ways would be a lot better off. Well at least he's no worse than he'd be on the Indy circuit. Plus, with less risky moves, I'm sure his career will be extended for at least a few more years. Well, a few more years of underachieving.
Melina
Melina Perez went from a Tough Enough reject to a Diva in a short amount of time, her SoCal training at UPW and EWF got her ready for her in-ring work which…never really materialized on Smackdown. Lately she's seen some in-ring action but it's clear her ring rust and lack of opportunity to practice has hindered her. Melina is one of the most well known Divas right now, but clearly if the ‘e' gave a shit about the women's division they would concentrate on Victoria, Mickie, Beth Pheonix, Lita, and Melina. Well regardless of if she ever becomes a real wrestler or just eye candy Melina's rise to stardom can be traced to one source…dat ASS!! Yeah, WWE be damned, that entrance of hers is top notch. Highlighting an ass I'd gladly eat breakfast off of, and a rack I'd take my milk and cookies on.
Matt Striker
From relative obscurity on the Indy scene Matt Striker (not to be confused with the unibrowed ‘Matt Stryker' of RoH infamy) gained notoriety for being fired from his job as a school teacher. Sexual misconduct? Inappropratiate relations with a student? Selling bootleg copies of the teacher's edition of calculus? Nope. He took a few too many sick days instead of ‘vacation days'. Matt Striker worked his way up from the lower card on RAW to the mid-card on ECW. Wait? Did I say ‘worked up'?? I guess that's like working up from genital warts to gonorrhea. Never the less Striker has risen to at least a good amount of fame. Too bad as a heel his wrestling ability has been stunted as he has to rely on heel tactics and stalling in order to gain that non-existent heel heat. For the most part however Striker has at least improved his mic work and has a gimmick that fits him perfectly. I think Striker has definitely grown while in the WWECW and if he's every given the go ahead to cut loose a lot of people would be surprised as his athleticism. Definitely a good move for Striker, although I'd love to see him with a valet, perhaps someone like Michelle McCool who would bring teenage boys into the ring and dance for them. Why not?
Mikey
Mike Mondo had made his rounds around the Indys but landed a deal with the WWE out of no where. He possessed none of the typical traits that Vince is usually looking for, namely size and lack of charisma. However he found his way to OVW and then as a member of the Spirit Squad and Tag Team champs. Quite a step up from a guy who was considered ‘solid' if not spectacular. Definitely his stay in the WWE has upped his stock and while one would believe that he is probably on a short list of potential cuts the next time the roster is thinned, the WWE definitely boosted his stock. Well, at least marginally. Maybe after he's released in the future he can get a slightly less gay gimmick like a male figure skater or ‘Hot Dog on a Stick Boy'.
Brian Kendrick
Well…he's a Tag Team Champion. He also got to dress like a turkey one year. And he, um… got to streak after O'Haire told him to. And…that's…about it. At least he got to keep his finisher though, too bad he rarely gets to finish a match with it. then again, would he have been better off on the Indy circuit or in TNA? Doubtful, but I don't see his run in the WWE producing much more than a possible CW title run. And that ain't sayin' much. The thing is though, that Spanky was doing fairly well in Japan as Leonardo Spanky. Named because of his resemblance to a famous ‘Leonardo' who has been in a movie or 3. Yes, you guessed it…the Ninja turtle. In Japan and on the Indy scene Spanky may have made a decent living. Maybe not WWE money, but good enough. Well that's okay, because once Vince decides to drop the CW division for a revamped "Juniors" Division he'll be able to command a little more coin.
Joey Mercury
One half of one of the best tag teams to debut in a while, they even won the Tag Belts. Too bad they were jobbed out to Rey Rey and Batista for some short sided booking, but they won them back. Only to lose them again to the Hooliganz, sadly ‘Wellness' got a hold of Joey Mercury and he hasn't been seen or heard from since. If he doesn't end up back with MNM, he might as well be released because as a singles worker, he is the steak, but not the sizzle. The problem is that without a tag team partner, Joey has about as much personality as Chris Master's foreskin. He could end up on ECW at any time, my hope would be an alliance with CM Punk but I doubt it. Well Joey Matthews was well known on the Indy circuit for years and even spent time in ECW. What going to the WWE got him was his 15 mins of fame and a washed board stomach. Not bad. I just hope he is spending the time away getting better and learning Japanese. His other options seem limited.
Mike Knox
Knox had been kicking around the SoCal Indy scene for sometime and his signing to a WWE Developmental was not a big surprise as he has good size…and girth. Just how Vince likes ‘em. Knox's resemblance to Non from Superman 2 is uncanny. The only difference being Non's superior workrate and promo skills. Knox went from a lumbering hoss on the Indy circuit to a … just cut and paste that and change "Indy circuit" to "ECW". He'll also end up being CM Punk's bitch sooner than later, but at least he gets Kelly Kelly as a valet for the time being. Even if Test is actually giving her the "Test Drive" behind the scenes. Knox didn't have much going for him prior to his signing and, well, after all is said and done and he ends up forming a foot fetish tag team with Snitsky before he's cut he'll leave with pretty much the same.
Great Khali
It could be worse right? I mean, who else gets to fell the Undertaker with a single overhand chop? Right? He was a raw talent that no one but a Japanese fed coud love. When your biggest accomplishment is killing a man in the ring, well…where can you really go but down? Well he terrorized the Smackdown cruiserweights as well as workrates for a few months and God help us if he's on ECW now. Hmm, how soon till we end up with a Big Show / Great Khali feud that no one asked for? Stay tuned!! Just kidding, turn the fuckin' channel and RUUUUUUUUN. RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!
Sylvester Turkay
Another SoCal talent, this is one tough Turkay. The man was known as "Predator" in UPW and was known for his bruising style and menacing size. What he was unknown for was his fetish for shitting on amputee hookers while dressed up like a fireman and screaming "why won't you hug me mommy…WHYYYY??" Lil' known fact. Go ahead and share that with your friends. Basically Turkay's career in the WWE has consisted of 3 or 4 squash matches and one of the worst movesets in the industry. MMA doesn't work when you're squashing cruisers. Well, not that he had a great career prior but he definitely hasn't done much better for himself. I'm sure that'll all change in WWECW right? *rolls eyes* Why do I feel like WWECW is quickly becoming the land of misfit toys? I'm fully expecting Turkay to go away and come back as a wrestler with a crocodile head and mismatched arms and legs. Like when my brother used to ‘play God' with our G.I. Joe's back in the day. Although, Scarlet's rack looked mighty fetching on Heavy Metal's frame.
Paul Birchall
He kicked around the Indys for a while, mostly in England. He always had a ‘good prospect' label coming up, especially for someone who was athletic as he was for his size. He spent some time with Regal, which was nothing but good. Then became a pirate…which was….something. then as soon as he was starting to get over…he got hurt and now, no one knows. Well my hope is he hooks back up with Regal or teams with Harry Smith, but for now, he's kinda in purgatory. The saving grace in all this is that this Halloween seems to be the year of the pirate and Pauly already had a jump on the competition. The chances of him coming back to steal away Krystal Marshall from The Miz, as a bumbling Englishman is high, just watch out for any hints. If Michael Cole starts calling her "The Devine" Krystall Marshall… the jig is up.
Jillian Hall
"The Bombshell" Macaela Mercedes spent most of career prior to the WWE in the now defunct GLORY promotion. She then got signed to a developmental contract which also entailed other…"Developments" happening in her boobular region. Jillian was known as a great athlete in OVW, even hitting a 450 splash as her finisher. I have no clue what she finishes with now. She debuted with a nasty piece of shit on her face and luckily…I guess, was attacked by the boogeyman and her ‘mole' was bitten off. Yeah, after reading that, I can't believe the creative writing staff thought that would be the best way to debut a big tittied blonde bitch who can actually wrestle. To her credit Jillian is probably the best wrestler left on Smackdown, to her discredit, nobody gives a shit.
MVP
The former, Antonio Banks, spent a lot of time in FIP, NWA Florida, and RoH among various other East Coast Indy scenes. He apparently showed some decent potential on the Indy scene and had an array of aerial and submission moves at his disposal. He also…wrestled for TNA a few times. Um…MVP also is…a…mammal. Uh…he likes…hamburgers. Shit, that's all I got on the guy. When Flash Funk shows up and wants his ring gear back we'll all be waiting with baited breath for that feud to culminate in a "Funk-jabi Prison Match" but till then I could give two shits and a Slim Jim about the guy.
Davari
Well, at least he's wrestling now. Too bad no one is going to see it on ECW. Wait, that's not fair…I meant to say, no one will CARE since it's on ECW. Besides, he has a total of 2 cruiserweights to work with. Once he's feuded with Shannon Moore and Lil' Guido, then what? Elijah Burke I guess in a battle of minorities with big bodyguards. Yay!! What I didn't understand was why Davari, who was expertly working on Moore's hand during his WWECW debut ended up finishing with a DDT. Not sure the logic in letting cruiserweights finish with generic mid-card finishers. What next? The DVD or Roll of the Dice? The important part to all this is now Davari is wrestling so he is finally able to show off his talents…in 3 minute matches. My guess is he'll be a part time wrestler and part time manager once Khali gets well enough to lumber around and beat up guys named Balls and Dreamer. Well at least this is a step up for Davari as he goes from mid-card heel manager to lower card wrestler on ECW. Wait…is that a step up? Let's just pretend it is okay?
Shane Twins
Um…yeah, they went from being wrestling Dicks in TNA to…wrestling the Dicks on Smackdown. Great. Well good thing they aren't being used yet because a tag team with experience and size would only be useful…EVERYWHERE in the ‘e'. Sheeez.
TNA poachees
Let's not forget about the handful of guys that the "e" have picked up off the TNA mid-card scrap heap as well:
Shannon Moore
One week he beats AJ Styles, the next he's filming his 100th straight vignette before debuting as CM Punk's personal bitch. So I guess that means CM Punk > Shannon Moore > AJ Styles. How is that math for ya? The "Prince of Punk" must be a reference to a prison term because Shannon Moore has been getting nothing but ‘Punked' since he arrived back in the WWECW. Well, looks like TNA's loss is ECW's bigger loss after all.
Frankie Kazarian
Going from jobbing to a NASCAR driver to a 4 week long Velocity winning streak? How could you possibly give that up Frankie? Well good news for him as Russo-nomics will ensure he'll have something to do. Will it make sense? Probably not. But his 2 month run in OVW/WE didn't either. He was "The Future" alright, and if he stayed on Smackdown, his future would be looking like a chop to the head by the Great Khali.
Jeff Hardy
IC title holder, back in the spotlight and engaged in the hottest division in the WWE. The RAW mid-card. Not bad for "Rainbow Brite", thank God they haven't let him talk in weeks. Now if they could only get the guy a mouth piece…but first they'd have to take that bong out his mouth. Oddly enough, by virtue of being on RAW instead of SD his move back to the comfy 3.0 ratings of RAW makes this a winning move.
Mikey Batts
In TNA he teamed with Jerrelle Clark as the jobber X-Division tag team NOT involving Shark Boy. In the ‘e' he…well he never made it as he was cut from OVW after they decided not to actually build a CW division. Good thinking Vince, how we can spend more time pushing "The Miz"… off a fuckin' cliff!!
Trytan/Ryan Wilson
No clue what the plan is for this guy. He's big, tall, and immobile with no potential to really improve in the ring without almost killing someone like he almost did to Monty Brown in that forgettable feud they had last year. So at some point he either cameos or goes the way of ‘Fake Kane'. Either way, I hope he ends up going the way of….no I mean, just going away.
The Truth
The WWE has done a great job of spotting new talent relatively early and developing them in the past 5 or 6 years. Picking up unknown guys like John Cena, Randy Orton, Batista, Johnny Nitro, Ken Kennedy, and…yeah, okay Chris Masters. The problem is that once they start trying to sign top Indy talent. Well, they just don't know what to do with them most of the time. Carlito has stalled a bit, but his in-ring has gotten back to his pre-WWE days and has load of potential. CM Punk also has great potential, although ECW should only be a stepping stone till he goes to Smackdown. Don't fool yourself, with the HHHBK around there is almost zero chance he'll be on the "A" show. Still I wouldn't be surprised to see CM Punk in the title picture by year's end or even holding the WWECW belt by the end of next year. When it comes to divas the WWE has managed to strike gold with Mickie and Melina who otherwise may have ended up still roaming the Indy circuit, sticking to fitness modeling, or doing softcore on Cinemax….or hardcore in Hustler in Mickie's case. Hey, wait a sec….DAMN that Vince.
It's a duel edge sword to sign with the WWE because you get greater exposure than anywhere else in wrestling, however there haven't been any wrestlers who have gotten to utilize their talents to the fullest due to the ‘WWE Style' they have to adapt to. I would probably never suggest to an Indy wrestler I would probably never suggest to an Indy wrestler to pass up the WWE unless they had a lucrative deal with TNA or even in Japan on the table. Like it or lump it, the WWE is almost every wrestler's dream for a reason. to pass up the WWE unless they had a lucrative deal with TNA or even in Japan on the table. Like it or lump it, the WWE is almost every wrestler's dream for a reason. The sad thing is that most of these guys improve very little in their ring work, but at least they get a chance to ply their trade to a greater audience as well as work on their mic skills. Or in The Great Khali's case, his incoherent growling. I'm still convinced his promos are perfectly witty and well executed, the only problem is he's delivering them in Cambodian. I'm sure somewhere Low Ki is slowly clapping…building up the tempo…and now…standing on his feet.
My greatest fear is that the Kings of Wrestling will be separated and each given ridiculous gimmicks. Also Monty will end up as Lashley's ‘older brother' and end up being Harlem Heat 2K7. Its to the point where some guys will never be well known until they hit the "e" but after they are, their fans who supported them in the Indies won't even recognize them. Still, you gotta follow your dream, and if you never try to make it to a sold out Madison Square Garden, then what really are you wrestling for? I just hope one day, someone emerges from the muck of the creative writing staff that might just figure out that guys who are successful on the Indy circuit, might just translate over to the big stage without a complete overhaul. Who needs Colt Cabana to become a serious mute bounty hunter to get over? Who wants Bryan Danielson to portray a magical wizard on Monday nights? And who wants Rebecca Knox to get ridiculously large breasts and start traipsing around a ring wearing nothing more than a thong and bra while wrestling around with other mostly …naked….oiled up….chicks who..um…on second thought…
Coming Up Short
Please for the love of Scientology don't let Kelly Kelly become CM Punk's valet. That would basically kill any kinda cool vibe Punk has been getting lately. The fact that he has a shirt now is great, problem is, Kelly Kelly as a valet would be a total anchor. Tracy Brooks, Alexis Laree, all perfectly fine fits during his career, but KELLY KELLY?? I also don't know what's up with Punk going all goth lately with the black dye job and the matching mutton chops. He looks like a tattooed Bill Sikes now. *Yay for obscure Theater references* Well anyways, CM Punk doesn't need, want, or should tolerate a valet as vapid as that blonde bimbo. Saddling him with such an anchor so early in his push could be coming up waaaaay too short.
6 Degrees of…
Mark Satrang is slowly becoming the Ric Flair of 6DO.
B--
Hmmm...now being a five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time 6DO winner (seriously, I need to get a life...) makes the choice obvious for my entrant in this week's 6DO. Why yes, you guessed right, none other than...GI Bro.
All Hail King BOOKUH….All Hail King…wait a sec…what about G.I. Bro?? Yeah, I think this week all entries must be directly linked to Booker T's old G.I. Bro gimmick, so anyone simply linking Booker T. is out of the running. But who do I have in mind to link to the Bro-ster? Well we all know that Booker T. was the more talented than his older sibling who was also in the ‘entertainment' business. Someone who will always be looked at as the real star of the family, even though Stevie Ray was all kinds of awesome in his own way. So this week, let's look at another younger sibling who out shown their older sibling…
Yeah, I don't even remember Hillary Duff's older sister's name. although her role in "Napoleon Dynamite" shall live on forever in the hearts and minds of…well geeks everywhere. So there you have it. G.I. Bro to Hillary Duff. You got 6 degrees to get there, if anyone is thinking of trying to skip ahead by using the "Booker T is black…like Kobe Bryant….who likes raping white women…of which Hillary Duff is" link is barking up the wrong tree.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Well I guess some feedback is better than no feed…naw, that's a damn dirty lie. Well at least this week we have confirmation to the theory that NO ONE in LA knows how to drive, regardless of race, creed, sex, or access to a gun:
First, I gotta agree with you on the whole Asian/Mexican driving thing. I even mentioned it once in one of my blogs read by dozens and dozens of apathetic people. Here's an excerpt.
"You know, Asians get a lot of flack for being bad drivers, but I don't see any Mexicans winning any street races. I don't see them getting insurance either, but that's a different story."
I actually live in Hollywood and deal with this every morning on my daily commute to West LA. I've considered purchasing a gun just to scare them with it. With that said, can't say I agree with you whole heartedly on Angle.
First, to say that Angle was held back is ludicrous. The guy was in 7 Wrestlemania's and main evented (or co-main evented) in 3. He was a 6 time world champ, and was awarded several other numerous accolades. Kurt Angle also never really had to pay any dues. Let's not forget Triple H was being jobbed out to Mark Mero and Henry O for his first couple of years and then who could forget the squash of Wrestlemania 12 to the Warrior.
He pissed me off because he wasn't treated like Christian or Matt Hardy, he was a top guy, just not THE top guy. There is a reason for that. Kurt Angle was never the most popular guy in the company nor the most hated. He's too good in ring to be the most hated and he's kind of annoying as a baby face. Unless we're expecting 6 years olds to start growling at other human beings now.
Also, I understand his argument for Hunter being on the booking committee or whatever, but what the fuck is Jarrett Doing? He's not watering the plants. I just don't think he has a legit reason to be pissed off and he comes off as a bitter little baby who just didn't get his way. Pout on your own time Uncle Fester. He's going to get a rude awakening when this Joe/Angle feud does not set the wrestling world on fire and make TNA a plausible
threat to WWE, which it won't. Keep in mind that I bet everyone that's watching TNA
are already a big population of the Kurt Angle Fellatio Club. Are you a subscriber?
Anyway, he's a little too big for his britches, and I'd like to see a little less pissing and moaning from him and more proactive action.
Didn't really read your column this week because I care so little about indie wrestlers. So here is a list of things I care just as little about as the Indy Scene:
Brangelina, Religion, Recycling, Soccer, Hair Products, The Republican National Convention, A Woman's Feelings, Confusing Filipino and Mexican names, Michael Bolton, Michael Bolton's Hair, Michael Bolton's Nose Hair, Dogs in sweaters, Long Walks, Atkins, All of Echo Park, All of Silverlake, and pretty much everything else in between. Write better columns!
Your No.1 Fan. Okay, that's a lie.
Rob Fisher
Well first off, I can sympathize with you Robby boy, I work in West LA and basically I've come to realize that driving in LA is like being a proctologist. You're surrounded by assholes all day long. That being said, Kurt Angle was never "The Man" in the WWE. There was Stone Cold, HHH, HBK, The Rock, and Undertaker before him, then when they all started retiring and Angle was supposed to carry the ball, Vince decided HHH still would get to be the man and Stone Cold would be brought back from time to time. Angle never got the ball. The ball went to Brock Lesner and then look what happened to said ball. Angle helped MAKE Cena and Lesner. Vince just never thought Angle could do it himself and when he was in the spotlight he was a goofball and coward, his ruthlessness was never truly revealed till right before he left. In terms of "paying their dues". How long did Orton, Cena, or Lesner pay theirs? While he comes off as bitter and having a chip on his shoulder apparently that is just par for the course when you go from the "E" to the …"A". I will agree though, too whiney, but hey, you gotta sell a promo, what easier way than trashing your "ex" right? While I've always liked Angle, he's not even on my top 5 list of favorite wrestlers. Top 10 for sure, but the man has just been booked as a transitional champ too often for me to care that much about him anymore. Now if the Joe feud pays off…then someone is coming off that 5.
As far as not caring about Indy wrestling, that's all fine and good. Some people aren't true wrestling fans. Yeah, I said it. Anyone who has never ventured past televised wrestling is merely a fair-weather fan. Which is cool, I mean, only watching RAW or TNA is great, especially while you're killing time for your toe nails to dry or your bleach to set while you're highlighting your bangs. No biggie. If however you are just cheap, in SoCal alone there is plenty of cheap, or even FREE wrestling happening this month. Saturday is a free NWA TV taping in North Hollywood at 11 am. 2 weeks from now is the free WSX tapings. If you wanna put $20 or $40 to good use PWG presents All Star Weekend 4 in Reseda on the 17th and 18th. Seriously, check it out before you go putting it up there with Madonna's political views, women who bring their dogs into malls, trying to remember if Hillary Duff is legal yet, trying to remember who Hillary Duff's sister is, and people who call you "chief". Give it a try. What are ya? Yella? No wait…I guess I am.
Okay, your guess is as good as mine…so here's Rusty F'n Nailz:
fuckin words...outlawz on the rise im takin a 3 weweek break from the shit. i read alomst everyu toher cojlumn on this itch. fuckin funnyh. but i gtos to do it. if u wouldnt be such a pussy iid cournd run shit. imorotal. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.,dbkat 4real
I'm fairly sure this is an excerpt from an old Great Khali promo. Oh well.
6 Degrees Results
Close but no Cigar
Penn Jillette was on Sin City Spectacular with Rena Mero
Rena Mero was on Velocity with Amy Dumas
Amy Dumas was on Fear Factor with Nora Greenwald
Nora Greenwald was on WCW Monday Nitro with Michael Buffer
Michael Buffer was in Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star with Barry Williams
Barry Williams was on Fear Factor with Teller
Sir Owen
Okay…..so "Sir Owen" linked Penn Jillette to….Teller. Uh. Ok. Looks like we know someone who just tosses the directions before they start assembling their Ikea furniture. Then wonder why the couch has two extra brackets and a handle in the middle of the center cushion.
#3
Hi! I've never tried your "6 degrees" game before, but I'll give it a shot:
1. Molly Holly was at Wrestlemania X-8 (she won the Hardcore Title!), a PPV which also featured Hulk Hogan...
2. ...who had a well-known feud with Zeus...
3. ...also known as "Tiny" Lister, an actor who was featured in the movie "Jackie Brown"...
4. ...which starred Pam Grier, who also appeared in the "Prodigal Son"
episode of "Miami Vice"...
5. ...the same episode that Penn Jillette was in.
6. Hey, look, an extra step. I'll take Penn Jilette to Teller for the bonus point, please.
Fun!
--Karlos
Um…okay, well points for effort. But you had a choice of Penn OR Teller as step 6. Eh, at least it's closer than going from Teller back to Penn.
#2
Mark Satrang
B--
This week's show...
Penn & Teller have made many TV guest star appearances, more recently appearing on an episode of The West Wing where they performed their flag burning magic trick. Martin Sheen was the President of the United States on the West Wing...
Sheen's son Charlie, went to Santa Monice High School with Sean Penn and Rob Lowe (imagine the drugs and hookers those three have accumulated now)...
Lowe, not only a co-star of Martin Sheen's on West Wing, also co-starred in Wayne's World with Tia Carrere...
Carrere and Stacy Kiebler competed against each other on the second season of Dancing With the Stars...
Keibler was known as Super Stacy in 2005 when she managed Rosey and The Hurricane…
The Hurricane's first superhero sidekick was actually "Might Molly" Nora Greenwald...
Not bad, not bad at all. Although I think you made a mistake when you said Tia Carrere competed against Stacy Keibler in Dancing with the Stars. There was no competition, Stacy was the only real star of that competion, pants down…
#1.
Chris Page gets his 6DO cherry popped. Someone get a towel or something…
Molly Holly to Penn in six moves? OK, let's see...
1) Molly Holly once had her head shaved as part of a wrestling storyline, as did Eddie Guerrero in the famous Hair vs Mask match in AAA.
2) Eddie Guerrero played the role of Black Tiger in Japan to feud with the anime-based Tiger Mask.
3) Another famous Japanese cartoon is Pokemon.
4) Pokeman was once lampooned in an episode of South Park (Chinpokemon) as was the Bill Cosby written Fat Albert (Fat Abbot).
5) Bill Cosby starred in the shortly lived eponymous sitcom 'Cosby', a remake of the old British sitcom 'One Foot in the Grave' whose theme tune was sung by former Monty Python star Eric Idle.
6) Eric Idle once played an encyclopedia salesman in a Monty Python sketch, as did, on an episode of Friends, Penn Jilette.
How about that for starters?
Uh, Starters? You didn't send anything else in. That was a Starter and dessert. I particularly enjoyed the use of international links in this entry as going from AAA to New Japan is quite a task. That and I'm a Monty Python fan. Which is weird…cuz' a) I never got beaten up in High School for yelling "Neep Neep" at someone, b) I never played Dungeons and Dragons, and c) I've never used the phrase, "well getting to 2nd base TWICE is just like hitting a homerun right?". Good job Christopher take a day off to bask in the glory that has been bestowed upon you and then get back to me with your person, place, thing, or member of "3 Count" that you want linked up on "6 Degrees" next week.
Left Overs…
The Miz and Krystal are apparently an "Item" on Smackdown. Man, sucks for Krystal, she ended up with a bigger asshole than the white girl Kobe Bryant raped.
I'm kinda wonder how Kevin Thorn didn't include the Count from Sesame St. on his list of vampires? I'm assuming it was jealousy. I mean, what is the last time Kevin Thorn got the "1 hahaha….2 hahaha….3 hahaha".
Jobby Wang Yang tanks it again t his week.. Oh shit…my bad, I meant *Spoiler*. Awww fuck it. I think I know why his neck is so read, it's mat burn from being on his back so much.
This week Colt Cabana along with Dave Prazak and Adam Pierce were in a car accident. Colt Cabana was driving the car without shoes on and had to have one of his pink toes amputated as a result. This is sad sad news for Colt, however it could have been worse as Pierce said he had to convince Colt minutes before entering the car to actually put his pants back on before driving.
This Saturday Delirious gets his title shot vs Bryan Danielson in Boston. This is the perfect setting for this "Cinderella Story" as Boston is a city known for turning dreams into miracles. Yep, Boston doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". Also, they are kinda fuzzy on the word "Playoffs" as well.
Big Show vs RVD vs Sabu vs 3 Other Extremists at December to Dismember, in an Elimination Chamber match should be interesting, especially with Paul Heyman vowing to make it EXTREME!! My guess is that he plans to make the eliminations not by Pin fall, not by submission, not by 10 count, but by…..yes….HIGH CARD. Feel the extremocityness!!
Great Khali, Davari, Sylvester Turkay, and Elijah Burke to ECW is now official. That move officially increases the number of minority wrestlers from 1 to 4. Huzzah!! There was apparently however a misunderstanding for why Burke was send to ECW instead of moving into the Cruiserweight division on Smackdown. Stephanie McMahon was overhead having a conversation with Johnny Ace about giving ECW a "Black Eye" and well…yeah, you can see how that went down.
K-Fed cost the WWE $15K per appearance. Ron Simmons saying "DAMN", about $50 a pop. Do your math people. Do your math.
Wow, Trinity sure did…grow up, didn't she? I'm telling you that from the neck down she's a knockout. Apparently all she needed was a set of ginormous knockers. I wonder if that is a prerequisite for all divas in the WWE? Like if it's part of a gift basket they get: Lotion from Bath and Body Works, Coupon for Gold's Gym, Vanilla Power Bar, Mint Milano cookies, set of size D bazongas. Sure makes X-mas shopping this year easy.
After watching RAW the past few weeks, I think Lance Cade might have gotten that same gift basket, but he got the size DD's and a honey baked ham in his.
Joy Giovanni may be back to the WWE. No, no one remembers her other than being Big Show's girlfriend for a while on Smackdown. No truth to the rumors that it was actually a ‘shoot' angle and she was actually dating Show. Which makes sense, she was tiny, sex with Big Show would be impossible. He'd have to like…Roll her onto his dick like a Trojan. I just hope he remembered to pinch her head to leave room for the reservoir tip.
Kurt Angle's wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy last week. No word on whether Angle opted for a straight headbutt to the child rather than the traditional slap on the ass.
"The New DX", "Best of WWECW", and "John Cena: Look what's happened since my last DVD a year ago" is coming out. Great, a lil' premature guys. What's next? "Best of CM Punk: Makin' bitches tap". I hear the DVD extras are amazing as Punk himself included footage from his own personal collection including snippets of sex tapes involving Traci Brooks, Mickie James, and Maria.
Okay, I just realized something. ECW has 2 Giants, a vampire, w witch, a Sandman, and an Arabian Knight. Holy shit, when did Heyman start booking Warcraft??
If you've read the spoilers, you already know that 5 of the Elimination Chamber participants have been decided. Leaving the rest of the ECW PPV card to look something like this: Shit, Crap, Clusterfuck, Feces, steaming pile, ECW Diva dance off. At this point, I expect the Puerto Rican flag to have more stars than Csonka will give the rest of the WWECW PPV.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Accommodating? Sure, she won't bend over backwards for you though, but forward is just as good.
Apparently, Legendary Luchador Huracan Ramirez died this week at the ripe old age of 80 after spending 36 years in the ring. You may be familiar with a move he created and popularized in lucha libre…Hurcan Ramirez….HURACAN Ramirez…no…not the RamirezStar Press….Retards.
BONUS Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Damn, why doesn't MY girlfriend have more slumber parties??
Pimpin' In High Places
Tons to read here at 411, not literally a ton, then again if you added up all of the weight of the collective writing staff...who knows? Wow...we're a load of fat asses. Shit, where was I going with this?:
Ask 411 is just chock FULL of interesting information....none of which will be on the finals. What final?? Shit...well you probably already missed it then.
The GPD3. JT/P never learn, why not just give the people two possible votes. This time around they have:
a) Team Positivity Won
b) Randle Won
c) Randle Won but he owes me $5 so screw him
d) Team HH won, but JT once touched me in a place covered by my bathing suit....JP just took pictures and laughed....I still cry to this day.
e) How the FUCK did Domingo lose to Clark the last time around.
f) Ryan Howard for MVP.
Csonka gives his passive aggressive X-mas list in YNMV. Here's a hint: ECW, No. Bootlegged naked pics of Maria., Yes.
Sully is like the Barbara Walters of 411. I mean, the tough interview part, not the whole...old...lady with a...lisp...thing. Tune in for Boris Alexiev who is BOUND to be the leader of the New Bolsheviks.
Wanna seeMeehan dressed up as a Macho Macho Man? Yeah, I wonder if he busts out this little outfit while role playing after Halloween. "OH yeah baby, Snap into a Slim John".
Evo Scheme was a bit confusing. I thought "The Dangerous Alliance" was the name of the drug cocktail you have to take up to 6 months after boning Lita?
Jules goes over Sting's greatest Hits. It's a tough cut since every little thing he does is magic.
O'Dog just remembered Survivor Series 1996. I just remembered Taboo Tuesday 2005. Now....I just forgot it.
Finky Finky tries to book the Survivor Series Matches. Hell, let's go Cryme Tyme/Shelton/Ron Simmons vs The Spirit Squad. Yep, someone's gettin' shanked.
Hamflizzle has a storyline...one that involves Rowdy Roddy. I have one that involves a dead Thai hooker in my trunk...I mean...I HOPE there isn't any dead Thai hooker in my trunk..hehheh...heh.........heh.
Double Threat this week is short a threat. So... what does that mean? I guess it means last week they were "Double Trouble"? "Double Team"? "Double Penetr.... nevermind.
HH holds it down and shills one last time before the GPDIII: Phantom Voting.
Ari takes time out from bidding on Colt Cabana's toe on eBay to write a column. Let's all pray for a n internet outage shall we?
Linkous pits Bret Hart against Samoa Joe. Um...yeah....Bret Hart from 1994 right? Otherwise, Joe is gonna choke him out like a Thai hooker....um.... I mean... "hypothetically".
Stu's Hardcore, so much so that he got 24 stitches himself just for the hell of it. In his EYEBALL!!
Hi/Lo clocks in. I'm just sayin', but if the ghost of Rajah starts haunting new Friday columns like "The Grudge"...hey, fuck it, I'm on Thursdays anyways right?
Weyer has a spotlight on a Magnum and Nikita. Sounds like a Gay Russian porno. Tune in to find out.
Fruity asses.
Hmm, sooo…this is what its like to start running out of ideas for columns. What should I do next week? A WCW where are they now? Perhaps Wrestling Power Couples? 10 reasons why K-Fed/Cena is a hotter feud than DX/McMahon. Maybe just naked pictures of Divas. How does that sound. No words, no jokes, just buttassnaked divas as far as the one eyed bandit can see. Eh, well I'm sure something will come up. Maybe I'll come some ideas on how to make ECW matter again. They really had the perfect mix going as they could have made Kevin Thorn Goth instead of a ‘vampire', then had him go head to head with Emo (Shannon Moore), Straight Edge (CM Punk), Pothead (RVD), School Bully (Test), and that chick that you wanted to go to prom with, but didn't because she wanted to with some other guy but he didn't really wanna go cuz' he was only a sophomore (….), damn, my bad, I think I just ended up booking my High School experience by accident.
