The Sunday Small-For-All News Report: 11.05.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 11.05.2006
Cyber Sunday: As Empty and Expensive as Cyber Sex!!!
I've got nothing to say. I think this may be the first time that I haven't watched one minute of wrestling over the course of a week. Wait a second… I actually watched Raw this week. Good thing the show was so memorable, or else…
So welcome to a much abridged version of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report (even my lackey no-showed today). I'm saving up all my energy for today's Heat report as I hit my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY as a recapper at 411Mania. Don't worry as come January, I'll be throwing the biggest party of the winter for my Small-For-All anniversary. That's if I make it until then.
The 200 Words or Less WEAK in Review
On Raw, we had a craptastic build to tonight's PPV as we ended with yet another stare-down between John Cena, Big Show, and King Booker. In other news, legends returned to plead for a vote, Lita defeated Maria for a shot at the Women's Championship, and Cryme Tyme stole a television.
ECW saw Sabu qualify for the Extreme Elimination Chamber match at their December PPV. In the main event, the Big Show and Test defeated Rob Van Dam and Hardcore Holly thanks to the help of a gorilla. Plus, Trinity won a costume contest against Kelly Kelly and Ariel.
Smackdown ended with a pull-apart brawl between Finlay and Batista. Elsewhere, the tag champions remained victorious, MVP and Ken Kennedy got squashed by the Brothers of Destruction, and we have new feuds in the form of Lashley/Tatanka and the Boogeyman/The Miz. Hoo-rah!!!
Impact saw AJ Styles, Ron Killings, and Robert Roode advance to a triple-threat match next week. Styles had the biggest win as he also won the X-Division championship in the same match. How does that make sense? Speaking of nonsensical happenings, Christian and Rhyno squared off in another gimmick match without a winner.
Show of the week? Man, does wrestling depress me sometimes.
WWE NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Heh, McMahonwood
I still find it extremely amusing how the WWE wishes that they could be more like Hollywood with the use of the words "producers" and whatnot. Throw in the fact, that the WWE hires at least ten part-time waiters (I mean television writers) a year and I'm shocked that there's no McMahonwood sign in Vinne Mac's office.
I wonder what's next for the WWE. Movie poster pictures for their upcoming PPVs. Well…
Underworld 3: Starring the Animal!!!
AND
Looks kinda familiar. I know…
Well, It worked for Shawn Michaels…
WWE.com has reported that Vito posed (non-fully nude) for Playgirl magazine .
Considering that Vito has only been on Smackdown twice since the change to the CW network, I guess he could use any publicity he could get. Not that it will lead to a push for the "Fun-Loving Dress-Wearing My Mama's Watching This" superstar, but it will at least be used to piss JBL off more. Which means…
Who Wants to Be a WWE Producer?
According to the latest Wrestling Observer, Tully Blanchard has already quit the WWE as there was a big scene at one of the recent tapings when JBL went off on Tully, cutting a promo on him about how Tully treated him in Texas when he (JBL) had just broken into wrestling.
So what have we learned children. First, JBL is still an asshole even though he's done thumbing them. Second, the over/under on lasting as a WWE agent is one week. Lastly, who's the next retired superstar that wants a job? Barry Windham, perhaps.
Did Anything Else Happen This Week?
Our humble website reports that Sci-Fi Channel will be airing a one hour ECW special titled "The Best of ECW" on Tuesday, December 26th at 10PM ET instead of the usual ECW On Sci-Fi show. The reason is because WWE's talent will be on their Christmas break.
I wonder if many of these new "Best of" matches will be used in January's new ECW DVD. It should be a good preview of whether that DVD will be worth the money or not. Also of note, is whether any of the ECW roster will be used for the upcoming trip to the Middle East that the WWE takes every Christmas. Here's hoping the Big Show will get this year off…
Bye Bye Big Show
You know, I hate waking up on Sunday morning not to find feedback in my Gmail account but news of the Big Show retiring. Why can't this shit happen on a Saturday? Damn, Randle for having such a cushy position. Regardless, it looks as if Big Show's last match will be at Wrestlemania 23 against Hulk Hogan in a latter day Andre/Hogan encounter. Since plans with Austin are officially off (neither wants to job), it looks like the WWE will be riding Hogan's back once more to sell out the Motor City.
TNA NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODETTES!!!
Like Senshi, Sting Does Not Own a Television
According to the Wrestling Observer, "When Sting showed up for the PPV, he was completely unaware that Kurt Angle would be involved in the match as the special referee. He didn't complain about it, he just didn't know. Apparently, Sting doesn't watch Impact…
Lastly, Sting forgot to bring his trademark white face paint with him to the event. When he realized his mistake, TNA had people search through local stores, but they couldn't find any white face paint anywhere. Fortunately for Sting, a TNA official found an Insane Clown Posse fan in the stands with his face painted. They asked the fan if they could borrow his face paint, which he had in his car.
Yikes!!! Sting not knowing the special referee is pretty friggin' bad regardless if he watches TNA television or not. Considering the amount of hype that was put into the match (and moreso on Angle's appearance), I am shocked that TNA and Sting didn't really communicate about the match prior to the evening.
It Must be Russo…
There are talks that Jake "the Snake" will be revealed as the true father of Abyss.
If that's not bad for the company, this is…
From TNAWrestling.com, "Just days before his epic showdown with Samoa Joe at "Genesis", Angle will make his in-ring TNA debut against the winner of the "Fight For The Right" tournament!"
You know I hate when the WWE does this shit and it's much worse for TNA. Presently, there are not many major draws on TNA's show. Yet, Kurt Angle is one of them. So why are they pissing away a major draw (Angle's first match) on a taped television show? I'm gonna let Larry cover this one. But until then…
TNA: Privately Funded By Vince McMahon
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… CYBER SUNDAY PREVIEW!!!
I really don't have much to say here as I was expecting my lackey to have predictions. However, he no-showed which means HE's FIRED!!! (Though please simulate the Survivor Series for me.) The reason why I have nothing to say about this PPV is that it looks largely unmemorable and a true waste of $40. The last month of booking has killed any momentum the Unforgiven PPV gave Raw while totally sabotaging Smackdown's very good alternative-universe programming. Who really fucking cares about a special heel guest referee!!! Or what title belt will be up for grabs in a match that will end in a no-decision!!! Or what partner Ric Flair will select… actually, I like those stips. Speaking of stips, I really miss the "Pick the Gimmick Match" which led to two MOTYC cage matches from the previous two years or even the "Pick the IC contender from the full Raw roster" stipulation which really makes it feel like you could have a choice in the outcome (let's go Stevie Richards!!!). This year, by only having three men as choices (in both the IC and Umaga matches), there's really no fun in voting. How Super Crazy will be absent from this PPV also makes no fucking sense to me.
Anyway, enough rambling, here's the card…
Cryme Tyme vs Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch vs Viscera and Charlie Haas vs The Highlanders Fans Vote For Match Stipulation: Fatal Fourway, Tag Team Turmoil, Texas Tornado
Umaga vs Fan's Choice Fans Vote For Umaga's Opponent: Chris Benoit, Kane, Sandman
D-Generation X vs Edge and Randy Orton Fans Vote For Special Referee: Eric Bischoff, The Coach, Vince McMahon
Mickie James vs Lita - Women's Championship Fans Vote For Match Stipulation: No DQ, Diva Lumberjacks, Submission
The Spirit Squad (c) vs Ric Flair & Fan's Choice - World Tag Team Championship Fans Vote For Flair's Partner: Dusty Rhodes, Sergeant Slaughter, Roddy Piper
Jeff Hardy (c) vs Fan's Choice - Intercontinental Championship Fans Vote For Hardy's Opponent: Shelton Benjamin, Carlito, Johnny Nitro
John Cena vs Big Show vs King Booker - Triple Threat Match Fans Vote For Which Title Is Defended: WWE Championship, ECW Championship, World Heavyweight Championship
For those of you who are ordering the PPV, I sincerely hope it turns out much better than it looks on paper. And for those of you who are not, 411 will have LIVE COVERAGE starting at 8pm.
(Edit: The lackey has showed his face... here's DCW's predictions!!!)
For the final time, WWE Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 simulates another WWE PPV, this time Raw's Cyber Sunday. Starting from Survivor Series next month, PPVs will be simulated using Smackdown vs. Raw 2007, which is available from November 14th. So I would like to take this time to thank SDvs.R06 for the huge amounts of fun it has provided me with over the last year, as this is probably the last time I use the game at all.
SvR No Mercy Results: 80% Correct
DCW No Mercy Results: 80% Correct
So it was a tie for last month's No Mercy PPV, huh? Well this time around, I gauren-damn-tee 100% because I am a simulator… GAWD!
On to Cyber Sunday, where for the second straight Raw PPV, all four titles will be on the line! This is probably the hardest PPV to simulate because none of the matches are confirmed until the night itself, so to save me having to simulate 3 Jeff Hardy matches, I will simulate using the choice the WWE has been pushing for us to vote for. And if you don't like it, tough.
Smackdown vs. Raw 2006 Presents WWE Cyber Sunday 2006
Hardy gets a nice arm drag to start, and chops Carlito a couple of times. Hardy gets a blatant low blow, but the referee ignores it. Carlito then returns the favour with a low blow of his own, and a arm drag and Hardy bails.
The champ poses to the crowd a little and slides back in a four. Clothesline by Hardy. Leg drop. DDT by Hardy followed by a dropkick. Carlito slides out and Jeff follows. Eye poke by Carlito. Jeff launched into the barricade and Carlito stomps him. Carlito picks Jeff up, but Hardy surprises him and hits the Extreme Twist Of Fate! The champion slides back in the ring and Carlito is counted out @ 4:52!
Winner: Jeff Hardy by Count Out
Match Analysis: Urgh… talk about lame. It started off fine with Carlito getting the upper hand early, then Jeff building some good offence, but that ending was awful. Hopefully at the PPV tonight they are giving close to 20 minutes like Hardy and Nitro had at Unforgiven and they can put on a great back and forth match. I like both of these Superstars and I think they are more than capable of getting close to ****, but this was not that match. ½*
SvR Prediction: Jeff Hardy
DCW Prediction: Jeff Hardy
Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada vs. Chris Benoit (WWE has really pushed especially for any of these Superstars, so I'm going with Benoit, simply because that is who I voted for).
Right hand by Umaga, and a chop. Eye rake to the Wolverine, and a GERMAN SUPLEX to Benoit! Lefts to the former World Champ, and the Samoan Bulldozer hits a dropkick! Umaga blocks a chop and gets 2 off a Northern Lights Suplex. More big rights by Umaga. Now he removes a turnbuckle pad, and hits the Samoan Spike on Benoit! Benoit fights up and takes Umaga to the outside. Chinlock on the outside to Umaga. Back in, and Benoit hits a neckbreaker. Clothesline by Benoit, followed by an arm-breaker-DDT. Arm bar by Benoit, but Umaga has the ropes. Umaga throws Benoit out hard, then launches him into the ringpost. Back in, Benoit hits a backbreaker to the Bulldozer. Stiff clothesline. Umaga comes back with rights and lefts, but Benoit blocks one. Umaga attempts a sunset flip, but Benoit rolls through and dropkicks Umaga. Umaga low blows Benoit, and takes him up top and hits a superplex. Both men back up at 6, and rights by Benoit. Whip by Umaga and a one-man flapjack! 2 count. Benoit goes back to the armbar, but Umaga is too close to the ropes again. German by Benoit. Quick clotheslines. Benoit up top, but he misses an elbow drop! Umaga removes another turnbuckle, the hits a sweet leg-lariat on Benoit! Benoit fights back and DDTs Umaga, and the SAMOAN BULLDOZER IS BUSTED OPEN FOR THE FIRST TIME! Crippler Crossface applied! Umaga is close to tapping, but he is also close to the ropes! He gets to the ropes. He stumbles up, and Benoit applies the Crossface again! Estrada is up on the ring apron, and Benoit releases the hold. Dropkick by Umaga! Benoit runs at Umaga and throws him into the corner. Benoit charges but gets an elbow. Benoit takes Umaga down, and applies the Sharpshooter! Umaga again gets to the ropes before he submits. Chops by Benoit, and more, and more, and Umaga blocks another one – dropkick. Benoit hits a Northern Lights Suplex with a bridge for a 2 count. Running clotheslines by Benoit, but Umaga comes back with a huge clothesline for 2. Clubbing blows by Estrada's "manster." Benoit is down, and Umaga busts open Benoit with more rights. Another German Suplex to Umaga, followed by the Samoan Spike get the 3 count @ 17:56!
Winner: Umaga
Match Analysis: This was lot of fun to watch. Benoit was quite dominant for most of the match but Umaga's high impact moves proved too much for the Wolverine. The match had great psychology, too. Benoit worked the arm for most of the match, looking to use the Crossface to get the submission win, but, equally, Umaga had his strategy. High impact moves to head had Benoit bleeding and stumbling around a lot in this match. If given this sort of time at CS tonight, then a would expect a match of similar quality. Of course, if Kane is voted in, expect something below *, and if it's Sandman, expect a DQ finish, more than likely with a caning. *** 1/2
SvR Prediction: Umaga
DCW Prediction: Umaga
Texas Tornado Triple Threat Tag Team Match: Cryme Tyme vs. Cade and Murdoch vs. The Highlanders (This is the best SvR can do, so I took out Haas & Viscera as they have no chance of winning).
JTG attacks Murdoch with right hands, while Shad takes the fight to Robby of The Highlanders. Cade goes to the outside, and Rory follows. JTG hits a double-clothesline to Murdoch and Robby. Shad DDTs Murdoch. On the outside, JTG gets tossed into the steel steps by Lance Cade. Cade plants Rory on the floor. JTG climbs to the top rope, and misses a dive to the floor. Shad helps his partner out, then hits a big boot to Robby. Cade and Murdoch take Shad out with a double-suplex. In the ring, JTG applies a chinlock to Rory, but Robby is soon in to break that up. Dropkick by JTG, but he turns into a superkick by Lance Cade. Murdoch has a steel chair, but it is quickly taken off of him by Shad Gaspard. Robby and Rory work the knees of Cade. Murdock comes back to make the save, and tosses Robby to the floor. Murdoch follows him out and tosses him on the announcer's table. Robby lowblows him though, and then DDTs the Texan through the table! JTG now uses a chair to put Rory down for a 2 count. Shad and JTG beat down Rory some more, before Murdoch climbs back in and takes out Shad with a stiff clothesline. Outside, Cade tosses Robby into the ringpost, then back into the barricade. Shad takes Cade down and applies a Figure 4 Leg Lock! Murdoch breaks in up, so JTG comes in after him. The whole thing breaks down in a huge fist fight, which Cade and Murdoch get the better of, as they toss Shad to the floor. Robby comes back with a pair of clothesline to Cade, then a series of headbutts to JTG. Murdoch piledrives Rory, busting him open. Shad back in with a chair, and he takes out the Southern duo. Shad hits a nice DDT on Rory and picks up the win @ 8:44.
Winners: Cryme Tyme
Match Analysis: Again, this was a lot of fun, and very chaotic. Essentially it was a wild brawl but with nothing spectacular to blow you away. Expect Cryme Tyme to pick up the win tonight, regardless of the stipulation, or the addition of Big Vis and Charlie Haas. ***
No Disqualification Women's Championship Match: Mickie James vs. Lita
Slaps to start by Mickie to Lita. The former 3 times champ counters with a low blow, and throws James into the corner. Mounted punches by Lita. She Monkey Flips James out of the corner and covers for 2. James comes back with right hands, and plants Lita with a DDT. Mickie goes to work on the shoulder of Lita, but she fights out of it. Lou Thes press to Lita, followed by mounted punches. Mickie poses to the crowd, and turns into a Hurricanrana by Lita, who covers for a 2 count. Lita goes up top for a moonsault, but Mickie moved. Clothesline by James, and now she tosses Lita to the ropes, but the former Team Xtreme member holds on. Dropkick by Lita is blocked, and Mickie hits the Tornado DDT! One… Two… Thr- NO! Long 2 count there. Lita gets a low blow in, and Edge is here! Edge misses the Spear, but gets a few kicks in on Mickie, before the referee gets him out of the ring. Edge tosses a chair in to Lita, but Mickie takes it off of her and clocks her with it! The Mick Kick finishes @ 5:09!
Winner: And NEW WWE Women's Champion, Mickie James!
Match Analysis: Other than the finish, the No DQ rule wasn't brought into play. I would expect a much more Trish/Victoria style match from Survivor Series 02. Also, I can't see Edge helping Lita out either, as he is tied up in the DX feud. *¾
SvR Prediction: Mickie James
DCW Prediction: Mickie James
Johnny and Kenny are the two Squad members wrestling tonight, with Mitch at ringside. Flair and Kenny start. The Nature Boy delivers some stinging chops, and jabs, followed by a suplex. FLAIR STRUTS! Wooo! High knee drop to the youngest Squad member! Naitch rubs his forearm into the grill of Kenny. Kenny rakes the eye of Flair, and rolls him up for 2. Dusty in, rights to Kenny. And more. More. Slam to Kenny. Johnny is in, too, and he attacks Flair. Thumb to the eye of Johnny! Figure 4 Leglock on Johnny! Mitch is on the apron, the referee is distracted. Kenny breaks up the F4L with a chair. The referee regains control, and Kenny tags in Johnny. Flair into the corner, and Johnny follows up with the shoulder-rams to the gut. Flair thrown into the SS corner. Johnny tags in Kenny, and they double team Flair in the corner. Kenny picks up Flair, but the 16 time World champion fires back with 2 right hands. Johnny hits Flair from the apron, allowing Kenny to hit a Double A Spinebuster. Flair regains the advantage after a low blow, and tags in Dusty. Clothesline by Dusty, Kenny whipped into the corner. Rhodes follows up with clothesline in the corner. DDT! One… Two… Johnny breaks it up. Flair in, chops to Johnny. Eye rake! Mitch tosses a chair in, then climbs the apron again. The referee tosses Mitch from ringside. Lowblow by Kenny to Rhodes, DDT on the chair! The ref is trying to get Johnny out of the ring, which allows Flair to apply the F4L to Kenny, but he gets the ropes. Johnny comes in, Johnny Go Round kick to Dusty! Kenny covers and gets the 3 @ 8:00!
Winners: The Spirit Squad
Match Analysis: The biggest risk with the SvR simulator is anti-climatic finishes, like we saw in the opening match, but this was anything but. It was a good match with lots of action to boot. The crowd heat should be good for this match because of the legends involved, which usually only boosts the match rating. **
SvR Prediction: Spirit Squad
DCW Prediction: Flair and Rhodes
Special Guest Referee Tag Team Match: DX vs. Team Rated RKO
Eric Bischoff is Special Referee
No Lita at ringside, let's say it was because she got taken out by Mickie James. Orton starts with HBK. Orton applies a wristlock on Michaels, before turning it into a headlock. HBK fights out, but misses a flying forearm. Orton hits a few elbow drops, then a Harley Race high knee. HBK comes back with some chops and a left hand. Orton tosses Michaels against the ropes and back drops him. Michaels back is hurting so Orton smartly posts the knee and stretches HBK out. The Game comes in to break the hold and does. Orton slaps Michaels around a bit, then hits his neckbreaker. Orton poses, then tosses HBK to Rated RKO corner. He tags Edge and they spike piledrive him! Edge-O-Matic to HBK! One…Two…HHH breaks the pin. Orton in now, too, and business is picking up! Triple H tosses Edge to floor, but before he can follow him, Orton hits a sweet dropkick! HBK is up now, and nails Orton with a flying forearm! Nip-up! Atomic drop. Slam! Punches! Michaels up top, but Edge runs in a knocks him off. Trips takes out Edge with a big clothesline, but turns round into the RKO! Orton attempts another RKO to HBK, but Michaels pushes him off, and lands Sweet Chin Music! Spear to Michaels!!!! Edge goes for a pin, but Michaels was playing possum and rolls him up, and gets 3 @ 6:12!
Winners: DX
Match Analysis: Bischoff added nothing to this match, which won't be the case at the PPV. It was way too short to be anything really good. It was just there. **
SvR Prediction: DX
DCW Prediction: Team Rated R-KO
Triple Threat WWE Championship Champion of Champions Match:
John Cena vs. The Big Show vs. King Booker
Show goes after Booker to start. Headbutt to the King! Cena fires off with right hands to Show, who boots Cena right back in the face! Spinning kick to the back of Show's head by KB. Booker attempts a back suplex, but can't lift Show. Show body slams Booker. Throwback to Show by Cena! Five Knuckle Shuffle! Booker tosses Cena, and follows him outside. Clothesline by Cena. Cena back in, and attempts to suplex Show… and he does it! Axe kick to Cena! Booker picks Cena up, and puts him on the top rope. KB follows and nails a superplex to the WWE Champion! Show takes advantage of both men being down to walk all over Cena, literally. Show picks Cena up, and beales him across the ring. KB is up now, and charges at Show, but Show gets a clothesline in. Cena back up, and takes Show down with a big shoulder block. STFU!!! Show is close to tapping, but KB breaks the hold, and Scissors Kicks Cena! Bookend to Show!! KB picks up Cena, but The Champ surprises him, and hits a quick FU for 3 @ 7:33
Winner: John Cena
Match Analysis: Very bland stuff here. There was a lot of standing around and staring at each other as well, which really didn't help. When they got down and fought, it was a good fast paced match. *
SvR Prediction: John Cena
DCW Prediction: John Cena or Screwy Non-finish
PPV Analysis: For a PPV, this would not be good enough. Sure, there were some fun parts, the Umaga/Benoit match, most notably, but that was a small highlight in an otherwise bland show. Let's hope for something better tonight.
Enjoy Cyber Sunday tonight, and I'll be back in a few weeks for the SvR 07 Simulation for Survivor Series!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Plugs will return next week as I am off to see Borat. SEXY TIME, indeed!!!
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!
