The Quick Talkdown 11.18.06: Bible Storylines Can Save WWE

Posted by Phill Feltham on 11.18.2006

Read how Shawn Michaels and the Bible can restart WWE's money marketing machine.

BIBLE STORYLINES CAN SAVE WWE
By Phill Feltham

Does everyone remember the Undertaker's Ministry? The dark days when Mabel became Viscera and the clumbsy Phineas took on an even sillier gimmick. Would something like that ever work today in the WWE of today?

Right now, it would be hard to sell because the "WWE Attitude" era is a distant memory. Nowadays, we have wrestler cheerleaders in tights fighting old geezers, angry Kurt Angles trying to turn the wrestling purist entity, TNA, into the Kurt Angle Show.

TNA continues to build momentum with their recent prime time TV debut on SPIKE, while the WWE, however continues to recycle itself despite the recent signing of former TNA superstar Monty Brown. Many will argue with me and that's fine. We live in a democracy and we have columns for a reason, right? But I'm not here to bitch, but to provide solutions.

The world patiently waits for the second coming of "Stone Cold" Steve Austin or The Rock, but I'm here to tell you, friends, that without compelling storylines that won't happen.

The solution is easy... the Deadly Seven. Huh? That's right.. the Deadly Seven. This is a faction mixed with popular and unknown wrestlers in a dark movement. The group must come across as a dark and dangerous satan worshiping group. Of course, you don't bring out talent who start singing the praises of the devil, but a group who just comes accross as pure evil. Think of it as the NWO angle merging with the Undertaker's Ministry Of Darkness.

At one time, the Undertaker would have been prime to head this faction, but alas, once he went biker, those chances flew out the window. No, this requires a character who has been known for years using one gimmick. Someone who is outgoing and someone who can bring in a crowd. My choice is non other than Shawn Michaels.

Shock value already. Let me explain. Shawn is now a practicing Christian and having him go dark. Why would he do it? Think of the end of DX. Think of Triple H "joining the McMahon family". Triple H would betray his "best friend" and embarrass him on TV.

The embarrasment in itself would be enough to create controversy. During the final days of Jesus Christ, the Saviour was brutally whipped by the Romans wearing nothing but rags and a crown of thorns. Triple H and the McMahons could create controversy and beat Shawn with something a little worse than a belt. To show that there is a religous reference, the betrayal would have to be done around Easter time to give it effectiveness. Shawn would be attacked in the locker room and then brought to the ring in robes wearing a "crown of thorns".

This embarrasment would be enough to change Shawn and then bring him back to extract revenge against Triple H and the McMahons. This, however, would lead to a series of even weirder events in the coming months.

Eugene (as weird as he is) can be the perfect scapegoat here. He can start panicing saying, "He's coming!" "He's coming!" Eugene would annoy everyone especially Vince McMahon with his crazy and incoherent propaganda. Vince, of course, laughs it off and thinks Eugene is just being crazy. Then during a tag match involving the Spirit Squad, the lights go out. One of the four girly Spirit Squad members disappear.

The next week, the missing Spirit Squad member returns wearing dark wrestling gear, marked with an "S". He attacks the McMahons, his personality totally changed than what it was before.

Eugene comes out later that night saying, "You see! You see! They're coming!! They're seven!! He is SEVEN!" Two more weeks of the McMahons dealing with the Spirit Squad member (now named Eclipse) is enough time for the lights to go out again, this time in a lower card. This time, a familiar face comes to the ring to assist Spirit Squad Eclipse win a match against Shane McMahon. The Boogey Man is the second member of the Deadly Seven.

Weeks pass by. The lights once again go out. Charlie Hass and Val Venis are in a tagging together fighting jobbers, suddenly, the lights start to flicker. Horrible screams can be heard throughout the arena as the ground beneath Venis and Hass opens up and are obsorbed into the abyss below. The lights than go out for a good couple of minutes. When the lights go on... Rory and Robbie McAllister are standing in the ring wearing nothing but red. Their beards are redder than ever and now share common face paint like their confidant, the Boogey Man. Spirit Squad Eclipse emerges from the locker room.

"Genesis... Revelations... come and guard the Deadly Seven! Make way for the Crimson Guards!"

Eugene continues to be the mouth piece acting as a fortune teller making the predictions on when each member will debut. For the next member, Eugene starts becoming even more incoherent. He starts chanting, "A bird is coming! A bird is coming!"

The next member is introduced at the end of a major PPV. In the main event match involving Triple H and the World Championship, the match would end in a no contest because Eugene would emerge from the locker room going nuts.

"The bird is coming! He's coming NOW!" he screams.

All of a sudden a wrestler soars down from the top of the arena. The WWE would cause much controversy because Owen Hart died the same way this wrestler is being introduced. Triple H attacks Eugene while 'The Bird' perches himself on the turnbuckle in a Raven-Esque fashion. Triple H is stunned. He doesn't recognize.. but wait... JEFF HARDY!! Hardy goes on an incoherent Ultimate Warrior like rant concluding with his Deadly Seven ring name "THE WHITE PHOENIX". The bird has arrived indeed.

Two members left. One wrestler would be the leader and the other would be the second. This would all be said during Hardy's speech the next night on RAW.

Fearing the worst, McMahon starts slapping fines and suspensions on members of the Deadly Seven. He uses everything from cage matches, crooked referees and rent-a-cops. Nothing works. The Internet is also buzzing on the last two members saying Shawn Michaels would be in around WrestleMania time to lead the group.

It's Royal Rumble time. Eugene is no longer the mouth piece as he was silenced by the Crimson Guards on an earlier RAW. "The White Phoenix" Jeff Hardy declares, "He has served his purpose."

Thanks to some fancy political maneuvering, Hardy is able to secure a spot for each of the Deadly Seven members in the Royal Rumble match. He also positioned the 30th spot to the 6th member.

Half the Deadly Seven members are eliminated in the Royal Rumble match early on, however, Spirit Squad Eclipse, "the White Phoenix" Jeff Hardy and say Randy Orton are the last three members in the ring. The sixth member of the Deadly Seven was supposed to come out, but didn't. Orton is able to turn the tide and is setting up to eliminate both members of the Deadly Seven.

Lights go out.

".... You think I'm cute... you know I'm sexy!"

Shawn Michaels ISN'T the seventh member after all! He will NOT be leading the faction. Orton is quickly eliminated. Then in a ritual type fashion, Spirit Squad Eclipse and the White Phoenix climb over the top ropes and eliminate themselves. Shawn Michaels wins the spot for a WrestleMania title shot against possible champion, Triple H.

But who's the leader of the Deadly Seven? YOU CHOOSE!!

I have an idea in mind, but I'm open for suggestions. Send your comments to [e-mail] and we'll unmask the leader of the Deadly Seven next week. Comments regarding this storyline and also welcome, however make it smart. Empty minded emails will only get my delete key. See you next week!