The Sunday Small-For-All News Report: 12.03.06
Posted by Jeff Small on 12.03.2006
Meltzer is a Latter-Day Trogdor, The Lita/Michael Richards Connection, High School Musical Starring Torrie Wilson and the Spirit Squad, Angle is Still Insane, Nash is Still a Genius, and Another Simulated PPV Highlight This Week’s Small-For-All!!!
And welcome back kiddies to another pulse-pounding edition of the Sunday Small-For-All News Report!!! We are smack dab in a PPV frenzy as tonight is the first true ECW PPV since Guilty As Charged 2001. And luckily, there is no ECW vs. Outsiders theme on this PPV (which I thought boosted the first ECW ONS but plagued the second). Tonight's December to Dismember PPV can be monumental for a couple of reasons: lowest live attendance, least amount of matches announced heading into the PPV (though in actually this was always a calling-card of ECW), and the possibility of that this PPV will do the lowest WWE PPV since In Your House- It's Time from 10 years ago. Now the pessimist in me is relishing at this fact, but the optimist in me says "Hey, who would have thought that the WWE would still be around ten years later?" Or maybe "Who would have thought that Al Snow might be wrestling on both of these bottom-feeding PPV?" Or lastly, "Jeff, why the fuck do you still watch wrestling?" That's what my mom says at least.
Anyway, enough jibba-jabbering from me. Because if I don't stop now, I won't stop later cause I can't stop. AIN'T NO STOPPIN' ME NOW!!!
Speaking of Shelton Benjamin…
Emancipation McMahonination
According to this week's Wrestling Observer Newsletter, " The idea is to put him [Monty Brown] on Raw. This is mainly because in their eyes Smackdown has a young up and coming African Amercian star (MVP), ECW has one (Lashley) and now Raw will have Brown (and before you ask, no, Shelton Benjamin doesn't count.)
Oh wow, leave it to Meltzer to BURN Mr. Benjamin. He's SUPREME INSULT MASTER!!!
I almost feel sorry for Mr. Benjamin. First off, the guy has loads of talent but has been coasting along for years. Outside of a couple of big spots in ladder matches, he hasn't had one consistent good match since May 2005 when he fought Shawn Michaels. His heel work is awful for the most part considering he relies way too much on restholds (he's like a black Randy Orton). Throw in the fact that it does not look as if he cares about receiving a push or not (he's getting paid either way) and I don't blame the WWE for sparingly using him. Shelton is much better off either in a tag team or as a face singles wrestler. His highspots and athleticism is what keeps him standing out from the rest of the pack and as a heel, he rarely needs to rely upon that. So WWE, either turn him face or have him tag back up with Charlie Haas. God knows Haas (and Carlito and Rob Conway and Val Venis and Super Crazy and Chris Masters and the entire Raw midcard) needs something to do, too.
And look, now I'm off on a tangent.
Shall I continue? Sure.
You Mean the Company is not Building Around the Highlanders?
Another BURN victim here courtesy of Meltzer as "There are zero plans to have tag titles stay on top guys in the future. Edge and Orton only got the belts due to Pipers injury and when they're done with them they'll go back to Highlander level guys."
So what does Meltzer mean by Highlander level guys? The Highlanders still have not defeated anyone special in their WWE run unless they took out Eugene when I was not paying attention. Is he implying that all low-card stereotypes will rotate with pseudo-pushes? Cause it's bad enough we have Scotsmen, Afro-Americans, cheerleaders, cowboys, and a horny black man and his white wingman on Raw. Throw in after-school suckups, evil Englishmen, and two funny-looking cruiserweights and that's quite the tag division. Still better than last year's Smackdown which featured Heidenreich and friends(!), evil fitness instructors, penises, evil Englishmen, and drunk Mexicans. I'm giving MNM a pass here because they are really the only team still around a year later (and even that's just used to boost buyrates).
So What's the Deal with MNMs?
So after tonight's PPV, where do we go from here in terms of the Hardyz and MNM? Well talk is buzzing that the Hardyz will stay intact on Raw while Joey Mercury is off to ECW. Yes, Smackdown is getting the shaft once again. At least, we won't have to watch any more Hardy/Helms matches for the near future. (credit goes to Meltzer).
OK… on the count of three, raise your hand if you want to see something really scary!!!
1…
2…
3…
Yup, that's Lita. And if that's not scary enough, she's the lead singer!!! And judging by the song "White Boy", it sounds as if she writes her own lyrics too. Here's a sample:
White Boy White Boy
Don't Be Crazy
White Boy White Boy
Don't Be Crazy
White Boy White Boy White Boy
Don't You Go Crazy
No wonder, Michael Richards is one of her top Eight friends on MySpace. It's still better than K-fed's attempt at making music for the record.
If you want to pretend it's Halloween all over again, head over to Lita's MySpace page to brave your darkest fears once again.
More Super Scary Secret Newz
According to Trogdor once again (cause he's a BURNINATOR!!!), " The WWE have hired Brian Friedman and Nick Florez, two choreographers to set up new individualistic ring entrances for the women."
Great just what we need: another reason to push Vito!!!
In Lighter News…
According to the Figure 4 Weekly, "the spot at Survivor Series with Shawn Michaels asking his team who Mike Knox was based on something that actually happened during a creative meeting where Shawn really did ask "Who's Mike Knox?""
Now that's something that's funnier than anything DX has done since their reunion in July. I must admit that the HBK comedy spots were awesome in their Survivor Series tag match. Of course, I wish that that match went for another 10 minutes instead of the New Age rapid-fire elimination sequence that has plagued many traditional Survivor Series matches since 03. For the record, I enjoyed this year's Survivor Series largely in part to the fact that I was at a bar that was filled with wrestling fans and I had a good amount of beer in me. Pity tonight's PPV is not being shown.
I'm Tired of Rumors Startin…
I know many of you will love this next news piece…
From the Torch, "In fact, the dating among the male and female wrestlers is said to be at an all-time high lately, with some moving from one to another "like it's high school now; week to week it's different," says one source. "First it was Maria and Carlito, then Maria and C.M. Punk. That's just one of several examples." Torrie Wilson, who is separated from Billy Kidman, is dating a member of the Spirit Squad... One longtime WWE talent believes that Lita got upset with the chauvinistic attitude in WWE. "It's a men's club, even with Steph around. The men are all knights in shining amour and the women are all seen as whores"... "
Relief is on its way as Vince wants to hire 10-15 more bikini models (as reported here on 411). Got to hand it to Vince for running a multi-million dollar brothel when the company isn't on air.
Big question is "Which Spirit Squad member is Torrie dating?"
Well, we know it's not Kenny since he's already engaged to Mickie James. And we know it's not Mikey since he's shorter than her (BURN). And so is Johnny. So that leaves Nicky and Mitch. And I hope to God it's not Mitch. Anyone but Mitch.
Enough WWE news, let's see what's in store for TNA:
TNA NEWZ OF THE WEAK DOODETTES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do You Think I'm Loco?
And now's the part of the column when I further speak of Kurt Angle's ascension into Ultimate Warrior territory.
Of course, CSONKA broke the news on Tuesday regarding Kurt Angle's belief that Chris Sabin should become the latter-day Pig Pen from Peanuts. While I'm happy for Csonka for actually reporting this news, I kind of wish I heard about it a day earlier so I could have used it in my SUPER SWEEPS EDITION.
In this week's news…
According to Meltzer, "Angle's rubbing everyone up the wrong way by constantly telling people backstage he's the greatest wrestler of all time. He's also telling people that he'll be running the company soon enough. Jarrett is still sticking up for Angle 100% as you'd expect."
I wonder who will play Linus? Maybe Lance Hoty. Speaking of everyone's favorite Testicle…
Getting' Rowdy
Lance Hoyt and Christy Hemme have suggested to the bookers that they get their hair braided and go with Ron Killings as a tag team and manager. Killings himself has asked for a release but Terry Taylor told him they won't let him go so he can go to the WWE.
Poor Killings. I'm kind of afraid to see how Hoyt would look in braids. Probably like Weird-Al after one of his rap parodies.
Remember A-1? Yeah, neither do I
In another TNA is fascinating moment, according to the Observer, "Because he hasn't been used much they were talking about taking up a collection of $10 each to fly A-1 into the next tapings so he can see everyone."
Poor A-1. He should really go to Japan because if A-train and even Chuck Palumbo can have luck overseas, it's worth a shot for everyone's favorite steak sauce.
Reason 747 Why Kevin Nash is a Genius (and I Still Hate Him)
From the same source as above, Nash has been telling friends he has an eye on Cornette's figurehead commissioner as the feeling is that Cornette won't last long with Russo and there's a race to see who quits first between Jim and Vince."
At least then we get to see Nash bury the entire roster DX style. I can't wait…
AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT… ECW DECEMBER TO DISMEMBER PREDICTIONS!!!
Usually this is the part of the show when I state "here's the card for those in the know." Funny thing is that for this PPV, I (along with the whole IWC) is not in the know as only four matches have been made official (though there are only two were announced on television.) Those four matches are:
Hardcore Holly vs. the Sandman
Davari vs. Tommy Dreamer
Over at the Staff Predictions Page , you can see what the 411 Staff believes will be added to the card. I already am 1 for 1 as I predicted the Davari/Dreamer match before it was announced. What can you say: I'm a Prediction… GOD!!!
But alas, that's enough for me as I can say with 99% confidence that I do not have enough information that the PPV will be good tonight. Hell, I firmly believe that the Elimination Chamber will make or break the PPV (just like the New Year's Revolution shows) and I can't see it being strong enough with the talent listed in the match. I suggest you stay tuned to 411 for Live Coverage and send Larry some pity notes. It's all your fault that he has to watch the show.
And now to do the simulation, I turn it over to my lackey, Daniel Wilcox!!!
Welcome back to the Smackdown vs. Raw Simulator! For the first time, Smackdown vs. Raw 07 simulates an ECW PPV. At the time of me writing this, there are only four matches announced for the show, so this will be rather short. However, I will be treating you all to a Bonus Match involving former Extremists. Let's get straight to it, Smackdown vs. Raw Simulation… To The EXTREME!
Smackdown vs. Raw 2007 Presents ECW December To Dismember
Hardcore Holly vs. The Sandman
Chops by Holly to start. Sandman comes back with a pair of knees, and whips Holly into a corner, and follows up with a clothesline. Slam by Sandman. Holly kicks him off and goes on the attack with big right hands, before nailing a delayed vertical suplex. Rights to the head of Sandman now, and a keylock applied by Holly. Sandman fights back with a DDT that gets a 2 count. Sandman rolls out now, and Holly follows him a few seconds later. Holly rakes Sandman's eyes and tosses him into the barricade. Holly continues to beat down Sandman by the barricade, before sliding back in the ring at a count of 7. Sandman recovers and crawls in at 9, but Holly goes right back on the attack and hits a snap suplex. Holly posts the back and stretches Sandman out, but Sandy has the ropes. Hardcore Holly refuses to release the hold until a count of 4. Holly throws Sandman, but he comes back with a running swinging neckbreaker. Clothesline by Sandman, followed up by a big powerslam into a cover for 2. Lowblow by Holly, and a small package gets a long 2 count. Holly goes after Sandy again, but he is playing possum and rolls up Holly for another near fall. Holly comes right back at Sandman with a stiff clothesline that turns Sandman inside and out! Sandy counters Holly and gets a backslide for 2. Sandman crotches Holly on the ropes, and wears himself out doing so. The more I see that move on this game, the more I hate it. Holly slams Sandman, and hoes up top, and totally misses a missile dropkick because Sandman slid out of the ring at the last second. Sandy comes back in nails a crossbody for 2. Holly gets another low blow in, and finishes off Sandman with the Alabama Slam @ 6:22!
Winner: Hardcore Holly
Match Analysis: This match surprised me as it was rather fun to watch, and quite fast paced. Neither is the best wrestler but they turned in a solid performance here, just don't expect anything more at the PPV tonight. **
SvR Prediction: Hardcore Holly
DCW Prediction: Tough one, but I see faces going over in the other matches, so Holly wins.
Davari w/ The Great Khali vs. Tommy Dreamer
Dreamer starts with right hands to Daivari, but Daivari counters with a pair of deep arm drags. Dropkick by Daivari, followed up by… a Sharpshooter! Dreamer fights, and crawls to the ropes, but Daivari doesn't break the hold until a 4 count. Daivari crotches Dreamer on the top rope, and wears him down. Daivari is smart enough not to tire himself out, so he goes right back to work with an armbar, but again, Dreamer is too near the ropes. Tommy gets throw into the corner, where Daivari springboards and hits a sweet kick to the face of the ECW Original. Dreamer battles back with right hands, and a clothesline. Powerslam by Dreamer, followed up with a series of elbow drops. Tommy's fired up, but Daivari stops with a chop-block. Daivari continues to work the leg of Dreamer, more specifically, the knee. Tommy fights back and manages to nail a superplex on Daivari that keeps both men down. Dreamer is up first, and he climbs back up the turnbuckles. Daivari stops him by dropkicking his feet out from under him. Daivari plants Dreamer with a DDT, but he kicks out at 2. Tommy fights back with more rights, and a few chops, before hitting his own DDT! Dreamer picks him up, and nails the Death Valley Driver to get the win @ 5:12!
Winner: Tommy Dreamer
Match Analysis: For a 5 minute match, this is about as good as you will get. It's very basic, and really just fine. Nothing more, nothing less. **
SvR Prediction: Dreamer
DCW Prediction: Daivari
The Hardy Boyz vs. Mercury and Nitro w/ Melina (MNM)
Jeff and Nitro start us off. Jeff goes straight to work with a jawbreaker, sending Nitro reeling, so he immediately tags in Mercury. Mercury charges but gets taken over with a hip toss. Clothesline by Jeff, and another one. Mercury rakes the eyes and delivers a sweet super kick to Hardy, sending him flying halfway across the ring. Snapmare by Mercury, into a submission move, posting the spine. Matt charges in to break it up, but Nitro remains on the apron. Side Effect to Mercury! Jeff goes up top now, and attempts a 450 Splash! Mercury gets his knees up, though, and Jeff crashes and burns. Tornado DDT by Mercury! Tag to Nitro, who puts the boots to Hardy. Nitro throws Hardy back into the MNM corner and tags Mercury. They double team him in the corner before Nitro gets out of the ring. Mercury gets Hardy up in a fireman's carry position, and falls back into a Samoan drop. Mercury picks up Hardy, but he fights back with shots to the gut. Flying forearm by Jeff, followed by the double leg drop to the gut! Mercury gets a thumb to the eye, and charges at Hardy but gets a drop toehold. Hardy connects with the Extreme Twist of Fate! One…Two… Nitro in to break it up. Matt is in as well, and all four men brawl. Matt takes Mercury to the floor, where he proceeds to bounce Mercury's head off the steel steps several times. Meanwhile, Jeff backdrops Nitro over the top rope, and dives over with a plancha! Melina charges at Jeff, but she gets taken down by a quick clothesline. Nitro gets a low blow on Jeff and tosses him into the ring post. Nitro tosses Jeff back in, and climbs to the top rope. He comes off with an elbow drop that connects! Matt back in, and he delivers rights to Nitro. Matt whips him into a corner, and nails his clothesline/bulldog combo. Mercury slides back in a rolls up Hardy for 2! The referee has finally managed to regain some control. Nitro is tagged in now, and he hits a standing moonsault on Jeff. Jeff fights back and takes Nitro up top and delivers a devastating superplex! Both men are down, but Hardy gets up first. Tag to Matt! Hardy wastes no time going to the top rope. He goes for the Extreme Leg Drop, but Nitro gets up and knocks him off the turnbuckles. Hardy's busting out all the Extreme moves, because it's ECW I guess. Nitro plants Hardy with a DDT. Matt fights back and counters a suplex attempt, blocking it, and turning it into a suplex of his own. Nitro bails, causing everyone to brawl on the outside again. Jeff takes down Nitro with a hurricanrana, while Mercury beats down Matt in the ring. Mercury hits a Super kick while the referee admonishes Jeff, so Nitro covers and gets the upset win @ 12:49!
Winners: MNM
Match Analysis: This match was a lot of fun, with a real WWE tag match style to it, with a face being isolated for most of the match. The finish wasn't the best, as it came off a little anti-climatic, but this was total non-stop action (no pun intended) that deserves ***
SvR Prediction: MNM
DCW Prediction: The freshly reunited team with long hair…wait…oh…okay, Hardyz
Entry #3 is none other than the latest IWC darling CM Punk. Punk runs right into a knee of Big Show, and a chokeslam! But it only gets 2, and Lashley recovers to come off the top rope and take Show down with a axe handle. Lashley tries to back suplex Show, but can't do it. CM Punk gets back up and nails a beautiful lariat to Lashley. Step-up enziguri to Show gets 2.
Entry #4 is… Sabu! Sabu goes straight to the top rope and comes off with a big crossbody that connects with Lashley for 2. Big boot by Show to Sabu. CM Punk can't toss Show over the rope, but instead Show clotheslines him down. Show is looking dominant when Sabu hits a hurricanrana! Lashley follows that up with an explosive Spear that is enough to eliminate the champion @ 2:52.
Lashley throws Sabu as Test enters at #5. We will have a new ECW champ tonight. Test runs right into a powerslam of Lashley. Punk flies through the air with a reverse elbow that takes Sabu down. Test nails Lashley with a pumphandle slam for 2. Outside on the steel, Test battles Punk, with Punk throwing Test into one of the empty glass chambers., and against the chain wall. Punk scales the side of the Chamber, and flies off with a crossbody that takes down Test! Sabu comes off the top rope with a leg drop that gets 2 on Lashley.
Rob Van Dam is the final entrant at #6! RVD with kicks to Sabu. Step-over wheel kick busts the death defying extremists wide open. Punk hits a spike DDT to Test on the outside to eliminate him @ 4:42!
There are now just the 4 faces left. Punk squares off with Van Dam, and Lashley brawls with Sabu on the steel. RVD hits a split-legged moonsault on Punk, but he gets a shoulder up at 2. RVD attempts Rolling Thunder, but Punk avoids it and nails another lariat. Punk dives over the top rope and takes out Lashley and Sabu! Sabu recovers quickly though, and hits an electric chair drop on Punk. Lashley gets back in the ring, but Van Dam comes off the top with a thrust kick. Rolling Thunder connects!
One…Two… Lashley kicked out! Van Dam goes outside, climbs the wall, and hops onto the Chamber. He looks around, sees Lashley's prone body, and leaps! FIVE STAR FROG SPLASH FROM THE CHAMBER! MISSES! Lashley moved! He scoops a battered Van Dam, and hits the Dominator for the elimination @ 7:21!
Sabu, Punk, and Lashley remain. Sabu and Lashley hit a double suplex on Punk, before going at each other. Rights by Lashley, kick to the mid-section, gets Sabu on his shoulder for the Dominator, but Sabu slides off. Roll up by Sabu on Lashley gets 3! Lashley is gone at 8:18!
Punk with kicks to Sabu, but Sabu comes back with a wheel kick. Leg drop by Sabu gets 2. Punk counters Sabu and hits a Russian Leg sweep. That gets 2, but Punk goes to the top rope. Then he pulls him self to the top of the Chamber! Sabu races to meet him, and does, he throws him off! Sabu hits attempts an elbow drop, but Punk got the knees up! Punk up, and he hits a version of the Death Valley Driver. Punk goes up top, and hits a Kurt Angle-style moonsault! That's enough for the win and the title @ 11:30!
Winner: And NEW ECW Champion, CM Punk!
Match Analysis: Well there was certainly a lot of action to call, but for the most part it was a bit of a mess. It was mostly your usual brawl with a few neat spots thrown. As far as Chamber matches go, this was fairly average, but it didn't have any drama to it. This was probably due to the fact there was only a minute between participants enter the match, an option that should be changeable in my opinion, as the match tonight has 5 minute intervals. ***¼ I'm really pulling for Punk to win, and have a long run as champ, running through the entire roster, because he is the only guy in my opinion that can carry the company into the future, along with RVD. A heel Punk vs. face RVD should be ECW's contribution to Mania. Book it now!
SvR Prediction: CM Punk
DCW Prediction: Punk
PPV Analysis: You can't really recommend a PPV with a measly 4 matches, but the tag match and Chamber were fun to watch, and even Sandman/Holly was good. Add a few more matches to the card, like FBI vs. Burke/Terkay, Moore and Balls vs. Thorn and Striker in Extreme Rules, and maybe even Ariel vs. Kelly Kelly, and you have yourself a decent looking PPV. 5/10
I promised a bonus match, and it's on it's way, but first, how did my predictions stack up against the Simulator for Survivor Series?
SvR: 3/7
Wow, that really is poor, even for a video game.
DCW: 5/7
Oh, yeah, SvR got owned! I believe that makes it 2-0 to me!
Bonus Match – To The Extreme!
Two former legends of ECW go head-to-head in an Extreme Rules (hardcore) contest!
First out, it's Tazz! The Human Suplex Machine!
And his opponent, The Wrestling Machine, Kurt F'n Angle!
Okay, he wasn't there long, but he is a legend, and formerly of ECW.
Extreme Rules: Tazz vs. Kurt Angle
This is a rematch from the 2000 Royal Rumble, Tazz's WWE debut. Tazz goes behind Angle early, and nails a belly-to-back suplex with bridge, that gets an immediate 2 count. Gut wrench suplex by Tazz. Angle fights back, and takes Tazz down by the leg, and works over the knee of the ECW veteran. Angle bails outside, and picks up a chair conveniently placed at ringside. Tazz grabs it off of him, and DDTs Angle on the chair! Angle's head is hurting him already. Tazz nails Angle with a blatant low blow, but anything goes in Extreme Rules. Capture suplex by Tazz. Angle manages a go-behind and takes Tazz down, before riding him and slapping him around a bit. This seems to piss Tazz off, because he charges at Angle, but gets hip-tossed. Belly-to-belly by Angle. Kurt applies a chicken-wing type hold, but Tazz fights out of it. Angle tosses Tazz outside, and proceeds to launch him into the ring steps. Tazz tosses Angle into the barricade, and clotheslines him over it, into the crowd! Tazz finds a steel trash can, and he batters Angle with it for a while, before being handed an umbrella by a fan. Kurt takes that off of him though, and hits an Angle Slam! Kurt sets up a table parallel with the big structure. He tries to lay Tazz on the table, but Tazz fights back and tosses Angle into the fans, who throw him right back. "Get that TNA scum away from us!" Tazz applies the Tazzmission, but releases it after a few seconds. Angle manages to throw Tazz into some electrical equipment, and climbs back into the ringside area. Angle has the ring bell, and he clocks Tazz coming back over the barricade! Tazz is busted open now! Tazz reverses a whip and takes Kurt into the ringpost. Tazz bounces Angle's head off said post, before rolling him back in the ring. Low blow by Angle. Angle Slam! And that's enough for 3 @ 6:52! ***
Well that wraps up the December To Dismember Simulation, but I will return in a few weeks for Smackdown's Armageddon PPV, which includes more brawls between Taker and Kennedy, MVP and Kane, as well as the new World champ Batista teaming with WWE Champ John Cena to battle King Booker and Finlay! Plus, I've another bonus match in store as we recreate the 6 Man Hell In A Cell from Armageddon 2000!
Until then, enjoy December To Dismember tonight!
COMING ATTRACTIONS
Questions to think about: Will I bring back the Plugz at some point? What about this week's WEAK in Review? Will I stop ripping off Meltzer's "bread and butter"? What about Fred?
For answers to these questions and many others, tune in next week!!!
Enjoy December to Dismember!
Randle's in tomorrow!
For the Sunday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!
