WRestling’s 3R’s 12.08.06: RetRo Turning Point, Sting tries to convert Abyss, Victoria is CRAZY Awesome, Show’s Last Stand, Finlay brings the Awesome, and More!
Posted by Larry Csonka on 12.08.2006
Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop drinking Christmas Whiskey…wait, I didn’t stop.
The 3R's of wRestling!
Introducción~!
Welcome back kids for another edition of Wrestling's 3R's! As always I am Larry Csonka, along with me is my tag team partner "The Whole Geoffin Show" Geoff Eubanks. Long ass column this week kids, so this is the intro, welcome and enjoy!
Here is a quick explanation of the 3 R's. I will take the 4 main shows (5 if I go RetRo) of the week: TNA Impact, WWE Raw, ECW on Sci-Fi and WWE Smackdown. If we have a PPV, that show will get a special PPV edition of the R's all to its own. I then group my feelings on the shows in 3 categories: The Right, the wRong and the Ridiculous. The Right is stuff that worked very well: a great promo, a great match and so on. PuRgatoRy is a section between the right and wrong. It shows equal traits from both sides that cannot be ignored and need discussed. It is not a bad place per say, as things can get remedied or go the wrong way the very next week. The wRong is what it sounds like: bad matches, bad or boring promos and so on. The Ridiculous is stuff that had no right on TV: Stupid angles, Diva searches and so on. And there is always a possibility of a 5th R, which is as bad as they come, unless you are TNA. They have a special R all of their own, the 6th R; the Russo-FN-Riffic~!
This column is supposed to be analytical, and at the right time very critical of the shows, it was the whole reason it was created. This is not a "mark" column, nor a "smark" column, I cannot speak for Geoff, but my goal is to analyze the show from many different fronts, reward the good and call out the bad. There are also occasions where I will bring out a 4th, 5th or even a 6th R to the column, so beware of those~! I will not apologize for my opinions, they are as they are, whether very positive or negative.
iMpact!:
iMpact 11.30.06:
The Right:
Sting/Abyss/Cage/Tomko - I am really digging this whole thing right now. Christian and Tomko made their way to the ring to kick things off this week. Christian officially introduced Tomko to the crowd. He said that he was the only man he could trust in the business, and since TNA wants to screw him he would put the screws to TNA. He promised to take out Abyss and Sting before the PPV so he could get his title back. Abyss and Mitchell came out but Mitchell held back the champ, and then "Sting" dropped from the ceiling. But it was a dummy and the real Sting hit the ring and cleaned house. Sting then told Abyss that he wanted to talk to him alone, no Mitchell, just them man to man.
Later in the show they had their man to man meeting was in front of the crowd, not exactly private, but good. Sting in essence was preaching to Abyss, to get into his mind. And then he called him Chris and ALMOAST ruined the segment. Abyss is a monster, a protected gimmick and you cannot ruin that. But in true Russo fashion they had to use his real name. All they had to do to make Abyss seem more human is have Sting say, "You are the champion, a great athlete; but more importantly Abyss…you are a man." There, simple and done with. Moving on, Mitchell was on the screen laughing. He said Sting was wasting his time. The spiritual pipe dreams are just that. Sting and Abyss are one in the same, and the rage at Genesis proved that. Before Sting tries to save souls, he should save his own. Sting said that Abyss should worry about himself because he makes his won choices. Sting left Abyss in the ring and then Tomko and Christian attacked. Sting ran them off and then extended the hand to Abyss, but Mitchell came out and stopped that as Sting smiled.
This is awesome because at the PPV Mitchell played mind games with Sting and it cost him the title. Now Sting is using his "faith" to play mind games with the monster and try and create a rift between he and Mitchell. A game for Abyss' soul if you will, and it is damn good stuff.
puRgatory:
The AJ sit down interview - This seems to be getting blasted by about 99% of the net right now. While it was FAR from perfect, I think that it did serve a purpose. One of the biggest complaints about TNA is that people have no character to connect with. Well, they are trying here with AJ Styles. It wasn't the best way to do it. I mean, he is a heel because he was poor? Did Tenay remind him of his alcoholic father? And that was funny as hell when he and Tenay were yelling back and forth, I laughed but also got the point. Then Rhino appeared, and AJ was great here. "Oh isn't THIS convenient!" They had some back and forth and this is building to the match, because AJ feels Rhino is stealing his thunder. So while not the best of executions the point was made and build is important.
Serotonin - So we had a video package for Raven's New Movement, now called Serotonin. They are coming soon, so basically we are supposed to forget that they already debuted and got jobbed the fuck out aright away. Also, they are named after a monoamine neurotransmitter synthesized in serotonergic neurons in the central nervous system (CNS) and enterochromaffin cells in the gastrointestinal tract. So they got that going for them.
LAX vs. Angle/Joe - This is a true sense of purgatory. Angle and LAX were having a fun little deal since Petey was taken out earlier in the evening. Speaking of LAX taking out people, they were great all night through their beat downs. They were great and helped build to this match. So they are beating down Angle and Joe appears, as per the agreement to watch each other's back. Joe got the tag and then he and Angle ran wild and got double submissions, only for the bell to ring. This was ruled a no contest due to Joe not being in the match. LAX's lawyer was there yelling at Cornette, which is why this went down that way. Now the thing I hated was the fact that they blew their wad on Angle and Joe vs. anyone. This is one of those things that they could have built to over weeks and months, but threw together in a one-hour show. So while it was fun, it just wasn't booked smartly.
The wRong:
Where the hell is the wrestling? - Oh where, oh where has my wrestling gone? Oh where, oh where can it be? They have a 60-minute show, 42-45 after commercials. They gave us just over NINE-MINUTES OF WRESTLING! This is supposed to be out alternative, the new motto is "TNA: WE ARE WRESTLING!" Well the last few weeks you could have fooled me! I am all for building and saving the "good matches" for PPV, but they have to give us SOMETHING on TV to make us want to order the PPV.
The backstage shakeup… - One thing I do want to address is the "backstage" shake up we were witness to last week on TV. I didn't like what I saw to be honest with you. First of all you had Goldylocks 2.0 replacing Borash as the backstage interviewer. Apparently she is someone from SPIKE TV, but she is horrendous. Since Borash is now not doing that, he was back at the "Genesis Central" type deal to hype DVD's and the PPV. This is idiotic because that is Don West's job. The man is a professional pitchman! He worked for a shopping network selling shit for a living! But you decide to put Borash there. I like Borash and thought he did a great job as backstage interviewer. He will do a good shill job but West is truly best there. The backstage chick, Goldylocks 2.0 make ECW's Rebecca look animated. All in all this did not make me happy.
The Ridiculous:
Lance Hoyt & Ron Killings vs. Austin Starr & Alex Shelley - A rematch of the shittiest match from the last PPV…what have I done to deserve this? So yeah, they had another match, it was bad, Shelley and Starr continued on with their wacky feud as a team deal and Shelley gets the win for his team. BUT you see that clearly isn't enough. Starr grabs his camera and shows the ref, that his tag team partner cheated, and has the win for HIS TEAM taken away to mess with Shelley. Yeah, this was a horrible match, a horrible angle with not that much sense going into it, ridiculous. I would say Russo-riffic but they would have done this with out him.
THE RUSSO-FN-RIFFIC~~~!:
X-DIVISION #1 CONTENDER'S MATCH - Jay Lethal vs. Chris Sabin vs. Sonjay Dutt - So this week we had a #1 Contenders match for the X Title. I am all for #1 contender's matches. But first of all, where is Senshi? Is he injured? He lost the X Title and has never gotten a rematch. But anyway they have Lethal, Sabin and Dutt, which when you hear those names you would expect a fun, if not pretty damn good match. WRONG! Why? Because they got right around ONE MINUTE AND FIFTY-SEVEN SECONDS! Let me tell you, unless this is a squash match you can do exactly DICK in 1:57. This was a pathetic attempt to crown a new challenger for the title. I mean, if it was going to be so short, why even bring out Daniels for commentary? He came out and sat down, said why he was here and the match was over. This was just horrible booking, and that is what it comes down to, shitty booking. I do not blame the guys at all because they were told that they had "2-minutes" and to go out there and "do cool shit." This whole this is just horrible and really hurts the division.
Miss Brooks vs. Eric Young - Wow…just wow. The push of Roode has dead stopped with Russo at the helm. Roode is losing matches, teasing dissention with Brooks constantly and has lost all steam. Now you have Brooks basically making her own matches for PPV with Young. And to make it worse, they will be having a bikini match. A bikini match. Eric Young is dead and I am sad.
The VKM - So they want WWE to stop stupid programming. Irony as this is horrible TV. Anyway, that means that they are begging their competition to stop sucking and to get better? Seriously? And then they went to a house show and shot footage. Then they bought tickets to the show and went in. THEY JUST HELPED THE COMPETITION BY GIVING THEM REVENUE~! For the love of Christ could this be any stupider?
Well, well, well. Big doings at Titan Tower, apparently. Now granted, I didn't actually see the ECW PPV, December to Dismember, but someone in my neighborhood must have ordered it, because I had to close the windows from the stench. I'll let Larrold do the bulk of the asskickings in this regard, because, well, it's his job to do so, not mine (sucks to be you, boss…thank goodness for those bottles of holiday whiskey!). However, as a staunch (old school) ECW mark and subscriber to the Paul Heyman Kool-Aid of the Month Club, I am blind PISSED over the way things went down following that $40 abortion with respect to Heyman and The World's Most Dangerous Grampa. I'd have LOVED to have been a yellow jacket on the wall in THAT meeting, lemme tell ya (and I say yellow jacket, because, if I were a fly, I couldn't swoop down and repeatedly sting Vince in the neck when he pulled his power-play on Heyman).
This was why I was scared to death when Vince exhumed ECW (notice I didn't say resurrected…). We all knew he'd not allow Heyman control of the book, because, although he'd never admit it, even VINCE knows Heyman is the better booker of the two, and it was only a matter of time before the one hour Heyman was given would outshine both Raw and SmackDown!. Thus, Vince had to smear his filthy fingerprints all over the brand and make it as convoluted and pointless as the rest of his programming, knowing that he had the luxury of taking credit for the show if it was a success and blaming Heyman if it failed. Well, here was, by word of mouth, the absolute worst PPV of the year (and possibly ever), and 24 hours later, Heyman could damn well be done with the company.
I say, FUCKING GOOD. Heyman is too damned good for that asshole in Connecticut and always has been. This isn't the first time Vince has sabotaged Heyman, either, which is what contributed to the last time ECW went under; granted, Vince certainly can't be made to shoulder all of that blame and I'm not trying to imply that he did, but he damn sure had a hand in it…go ahead, challenge me.
As far as I'm concerned, Heyman could use a tan. You know, spend some time down in Orlando. I'd LOVE for TNA oust Vince Russo (he's doing their product no favors), hire Heyman instead, and then see Russo and Vince reconcile their differences to re-create the system of checks-and-balances that made the Attitude Era so fun. In this scenario, WWE wins because they'd likely make more money if the shows stopped being a televised diuretic; TNA wins because Heyman brought his own company to prominence from nothing once, he could do it again in TNA, especially with Dixie slapping his hand away from her purse; and WE win because wrestling would be fun and competitive again. The only one who loses is Jim Cornette, because of the massive coronary he'd suffer. Oh, and Mike Lafave (whom I'm re-naming "The Sixth Spirit Squad member"), too, because he thinks WWE is so much better now than it was during the Attitude Era. But then, really, considering the fact that he's swallowed all that Conservative rhetoric for so long such that he supports W and his Republican-mandated mass genocide in Iraq, why should his views on WWE surprise me?
And considering that Rob…Van…Dam was reportedly so disgusted with the manner in which shit went down on Sunday, he can't WAIT for his contract to expire (six to nine months) so he can get the HELL outta WWE. Wonder where he might end up…?
Speaking of Lafave, Vince's personal cheerleader, after SURVIVOR SERIES, I got an IM from him proclaiming that I owed him a prostitute. Apparently in a drunken phone conversation, I babbled that I'd get him a hooker if Kennedy won the First Blood match (not that I consider that to be much of a victory at all, but we'll get to that in a moment). I vaguely did recall that conversation so, being a man of my word, I made a quick phone call and made arrangements. "Your mom will be right over," I typed. Of course, she'd have to share Mikey with MVP, whose dick hasn't left Lafave's mouth in weeks. Love ya, Mikey. Hugs.
The Right:
When commentary is the best aspect to a show, you know you're in trouble – The only thing this week that was 100% above reproach was the commentary between JBL and Michael Cole. Not only was the banter entertaining as usual (although, JBL, if you're considered to be intelligent by the fucktards at Fox News, is that really a complement…? Also, it truly doesn't surprise me that Cole Slaw admires Dr. Phil…really, are you gonna take weight loss tips from a guy his size? That'd be like getting marriage advice from Pam Anderson…), but it was RIFE with a rare commodity in today's WWE…CONTINUITY.
Cole attempted to give the MNM/Brian Kendrick & Paul London contest an added air of consistency by driving home the fact that it was the current WWETTCs who relieved MNM of the belts back in May. That really helped the match, IMO, because it took it from one of McMahonagement's "fuck the brand split", desperate pre-PPV ploy-to-bump-the-buy-rate schmozzes and transformed it into a rematch of significance, a crucial difference in appreciating what we saw.
Also, when JBL was harping on Benoit for having "battered" Vickie Guerrero with malice and forethought,
Cole clocked him with the fact that JBL shoved his former image consultant, Jillian Hall, into The Boogeyman in order to save himself from the drooling idiot. JBL snapped back immediately with, "But I didn't hit her!"
I know this stuff seems miniscule and nitpicky, but in the end, that which separates a good wrestling show from a great one (and a good performer from a great one, as well!) are the little things like continuity such as was displayed by our commentators tonight. It seems that, anymore, WWE is unconcerned with real storytelling, the kind which is paramount in creating legacies for its performers, offering instead threadbare plots by which to string together what feel like televised house shows. As such, attention to continuity by the commentators is refreshing to say the least!
NO BOOGEYMAN!!! – Nuff said, bitches! "Suspended", huh? Wonder if he hurt himself again…? Gee, hope he's not in any pain…I doubt this crap between he and Miz is done, though…
Furthermore - This was a rather milquetoast show in my opinion; not to suggest that it was bland, because it was quite entertaining…the best WWE produced this week (not that that means much, if anything, though). However, as we're seeing in disturbingly increasing amounts on Friday nights, there was just nothing tonight that truly shone as being completely RIGHT, not without something wRong attached to it somehow, like the hot date you know is gonna put out at the end of the night, if you can stand the banal conversation through dinner. God, that was bad…hahaha! However, looking at the same situation through Mike Lafave's rose-colored glasses, nothing wRong tonight was without some kind of redeeming value somewhere, as well, leaving us with a somewhat convoluted show collectively, but it means we've got a really bloated section devoted to…
Purgatory:
All is Right in the world – This was the quote from our new World Champion as he hit the ring. Uh-huh. If that's the case, why's he dressed like the mom on Suite Life of Zack & Cody? Have Big Dave and Vito opened credit accounts at Forever 21? And what's with this spinny-bouncy thing he's added to his entrance?! Seriously, I'm expecting an explosion to emit from him when he does it and, when the light subsides, to see Linda Carter in her old Wonder Woman costume standing there instead.
Finlay: "My name is Finlay…and I love to FIGHT!"
Batista: "My name is Dave…and I love to SPIN! WHEE!"
I just imagine Pat Patterson and Sylvan giving each other manicures in the back in terry-cloth robes, heads wrapped in towels, glancing up at the monitor, exchanging exasperated glances and the full 360 "Oh, God" rolled eyes before going back to one another's nails, muttering, "Fag."
Ooooo! The delectable Queen Sharmell (looking especially delectable tonight!) was PISSSSSED! She looked like Whitney Houston when the coke dealer doesn't return her calls. I half expected her to come stomping down the aisle being all, "All hail King Bookah! Ah SAID all hail King Bookah, motherfuckers!" Really, if I were Big Dave, I'd be more afraid of Sharmell…a pissed off sistah can take skin off your face at twenty paces with a glance!
I'm always a little dubious to buy the audible ovation the performers receive on SD!, being a taped show, because crowd reaction can easily be dubbed after the fact; rather I rely on what I see, and it appeared that Batista was truly over…good for him, good for the fans and, hopefully, good for business, because SD! really needs Batista to be a franchise champion. Let's hope for the best!
His WT reign got off to a swimming start tonight as he asserted his dominance in a fantastic match…one which might actually have been saved for ARMAGEDDON, quite frankly, but I'm always grateful for a contest of this quality on free TV…it's one of the myriad characteristics that sets SD! above the other two brands, IMO. And I am all for Batista expanding his repertoire, especially since Wellness has taken the upper portion of his power game (notice how he never attempts The Batista Bomb on Bookah anymore…?), but I just hope and pray he's careful with that forward-rolling fireman's carry, as that's a career-ender waiting to happen.
Although I'd totally have bought Finlay going over tonight (what a great story…five years undefeated in the UK but never holding a world title, retiring to be a road manager, then coming back to the active roster to win the WT in WWE…I'd totally mark out!), and if for no OTHER reason than to show him gratitude for taking Lashley from a green kid to ECW WHC in just a few months; Finlay carried himself exquisitely tonight. He made Batista look like a beast, but didn't sacrifice his own heat in the process…a true pro, proving he can more than hang with the current and former WCs simultaneously and almost walk with the gold.
As for My Sovereign Lord, though, I'm rather ambivalent that his official rematch also included Finlay, as it's my belief that a former champion deserves a one-on-one rematch, free and clear, with the next-in-line guy, in this case, Finlay, bubbling just under. I'm concerned, because this is just the same manner in which Chris Jericho was buried after he dropped the Undisputed Title to HHH, although, in fairness, Finlay brings perhaps a touch more credibility to the ring than did Stephanie McMahon. I also question Bookah riding the apron/steps for ¼ of the match, but…oh, and I have something to say about Batista's tag partner, too, but that's a little farther down.
All in all, great match, if I don't agree with the triple threat stip, but, in the long run, I question where we go from here now that Batista has already gone over his top two contenders cleanly his first night with the belt.
Chris Benoit: Woman beater or cow tipper? – The lead-in promo for the Benoit/Chavo Guerrero match felt like a bad episode of Judge Judy (and I'd LOVE to hear what Stone Cold Judy'd say to Chavo and Vickie Guerrero!). So if Vickie's that hurt, why is Chavo leading her to ringside like a cow to market?
I loved the finish to this match. Vickie, outraged over the fact that Benoit would employ Los Tres Amigos, an Eddie signature (or perhaps she was upset that he was doing it so BADLY, in which case, I'm on Bessie's side), on Chavo, hobbled up on the apron in protest. Chavo, seeing his shot to both win the match and further incriminate Benoit (as was the plan between Vickie and him all along, no doubt), reprised his actions from the PPV, shoving Benoit directly at her. Benoit, being the honorable man that he is, stopped himself, wishing to cause Vickie no further harm, even though she was already so terrified, milk sprayed from every udder. Chavo, seeing Benoit so distracted, rolled up his opponent and clutched onto Benoit's trunks as if he was riding Vickie around the ranch for the non-title win, vindicating himself somewhat for having tapped to The Crossface at SURVIVOR SERIES.
Now, of course, none of us enjoy this "Eddie's estate" crap; he's been dead a year and they're just now getting to his estate? Are you kidding me? And, to me, it appears as if it will eventually come to light that Benoit's got a cut of Eddie's estate coming and LOS GUERREROS NUEVOS are trying to keep it from him, thus keeping the money for themselves, a story that makes me cringe so completely my skin turns inside out and makes me yearn for the good old days of the Rey/Chavo program. However, for now, I simply suggest focusing on the matches and ignoring the cow pies the adjoining story is leaving on the way to the ring till Vickie is becomes housetrained.
(BTW, anyone else think we're not getting out of this program without seeing Vickie in The Crossface…? UGH.)
The definition of puRgatory – Throwing conventional logic out the window (a necessity to enjoy WWE anymore, I'm finding), at the very best, we had a messy, convoluted clusterfuck of a match between the teams of MNM and London & Kendrick, held together by Cole & JBL's commentary, as mentioned above. If I'm going to be soft on this match at all, it's because 1) I LOVE MNM and it was so good to see them back together again and on SD! *coughwheretheybelongcough*; 2) it was just plain good to see Joey Mercury again, speaking as a fan since THE BADSTREET BOYS back in MPW and through ECW; 3) it gave MNM some much-needed legs to the ECW PPV with an underhanded win when 4) William Regal & Dave Taylor jumped the WWETTCs on the sly, costing them the match, allowing MNM some momentum while still throwing another log on the fire in the program which will almost certainly see a WWETTT change and split the current champions. There are ways to go about packing a lot of action and information into a relatively brief segment, but this is not an example of how to do it effectively. Nonetheless, that which was supposed to have come across managed to wade through the frenetic sloppiness of the segment, but not with much grace. Basically, puRgatory 101.
Oh, yeah, and Johnny Nitro's foot-long roots are simply unforgivable. I don't care about the eight-pack, man, skip an afternoon in the gym and make a hair appointment. You look like a Bakersfield stripper, not a Sunset Boulevard playboy.
The Wrong:
Okay, I tap – I'm just through trying to make sense of the situation involving Kennedy, THE BROTHERS OF DESTRUCTION and Mrs. Lafave, aka Montel Vontavius Porter. Lafave and I got into a heated IM conversation over this situation yesterday, which is why I'm taking the piss out of him this week. He accused me of over-thinking the situation and I dared him to think about it at all. Fret not, we're still friends…at least we were before this column's posted…hahaha!
Our basic quandary with respect to this storyline stems from our divergent views with regard to what really helps get over a new talent. It's his belief that MVP getting the wins in the cage match and street fight, as well as Kennedy winning the First Blood match at SURVIVOR SERIES are the important things, I believe his words were, "That's all people will remember; that's what goes down in the record book." I responded that the victory is a shallow and an empty one if Kennedy gets his ass beat before *and* after the match, and especially if it wasn't even he who split open Taker. (I also question who actually has ownership of this record book and how often fans finger through it, but that's another matter.)
It just seems to me that 1) Kennedy has earned the Right to fare a little better than this against top talent; 2) this is a crucial time in his career where he's going to have to rise up and get it done when it counts, proving that he's a performer who warrants moving up the roster or becomes Bob Holly; 3) Kennedy is still a young talent and has his entire career ahead of him, whereas Taker, let's face it, has had his day and is in the twilight of his career. It *should* be his duty to put over upcoming talent struggling to make it and become names themselves. Considering Taker should have done just that TWICE with Randy Orton and didn't, it gives me a sinking feeling that Kennedy may be headed in the same direction, which is criminal.
What I also despise (and this didn't strike me until I typed the previous sentence, so I have none of Lafave's sage input on this matter) is the fact that, whereas Kennedy's been around for a bit and has proven himself a solid talent worthy of facing a name like Taker, MVP waltzes in the door and gets attached to Kennedy and LOS HERMANOS and I have to ask WHY? He's shown only a little skill on the mic and with respect to characterization (although if he's a total pompous asshole IRL, then it's not much of a stretch for him, is it? Hahaha, J/K, I'm sure he's a fine human being) and has displayed about as much ring savvy as a Honky-Tonk Man or a Roddy Piper. As a matter of fact, all he's really proven to me is that he needs to stop shopping at the little girl's section at Kohl's and accessorizing in the girls' bicycle department. How does he warrant getting such a push as this, to ride on the coattails of a Kennedy and to get so many junk victories in lame gimmick matches against a neutered monster like Kane?
Ugh. This is such a fucked up mess…must…stop…thinking…before…*SPROING!* Yup. There went a neuron. However, I'm putting this in puRgatory for now, because, I am taking Lafave's advice and not thinking about it and just enjoying it, just like his old Scout master told him at Jamboree.
Arbitrary titties anyone? – Wow, Layla's already learned more wrestling moves in three months than has The Boogeyman in three years. Not really sure why we had this little speed bump of a ladies match between Layla and Kristal, but it was a damn sight better than that Divas battle royal on Raw, with the exception of watching Candice Michelle get her nose flattened. I love comedy spots. Pays her back for all the pain that spike-in-the-head voice of hers has caused me all this time.
Hey, speaking of comedy spots, I'm curious…what's your favorite funny-ha-ha moment on WWE-TV? I know mine, but I want you to e-mail me yours!
Ridiculous:
Here goes another neuron – Loyal readers have to know what's coming here. Let me try to get this all straight. Matt Hardy is on SD!. Jeff Hardy is on Raw. Johnny Nitro is on Raw. Joey Mercury was on painkillers, but Betty Ford cured him and now he's just wandering around lost; however, all four performers appeared on the ECW PPV! AAUUGGHH!!! And now we have John Cena coming to a SD! PPV to be involved in our WT scene?! WHAT THE FUCK?!! Yeah, kids, that brand extension's just going gigiddy-goddam gangbusters!
BEYOND THE R's
And now for a second opinion that actually makes sense! - I was stoked to have received an e-mail from my old buddy Brandon Tihane. I've valued his input in the past and this week was no difference. He requires no further introduction, I'll just let him take it away:
Aloha. You haven't heard much from me lately because...well...I'm not really watching Smackdown. Or Raw. Or TNA. Or ECW. Or any wrestling on television lately. It's really hit a point where I just don't feel any of it is worth my time anymore.
Raw is full of bad angles and big egos. I'd rather watch Heroes.
If ECW didn't have CM Punk, it'd be totally skippable right now. Let's face it, that brand has zero direction and no must see matches to make up for that.
Impact is full of matches which are just too short to be good and now Russo booking. Skipped.
And Smackdown, which is BY FAR the best of them, but still completely missable to me. Now, to be fair I don't get home from work until an hour into the show, so it's not exactly convenient for me. But the thing is, it doesn't seem worth taping either. Aside from one or two above average matches, the show is generally really dead in the water. You have Undertaker and Kane inexplicably on good terms again and squashing Kennedy and MVP while putting them over (a Taker specialty) and Big Dave getting a big push despite having lost pretty much all momentum and talent through the duration of his injury. And let's not forget the total ignorance of the brand extension, with Cena being on there enough to be a member of the roster!
It's not *all* bad. Don't get me wrong. There's still hope yet. But seriously, WWE need to pull their heads out of their asses and realize what they have on Smackdown. Specifically...
Benoit
Finlay
London
Spanky
Noble
Regal
Booker
Kennedy
Kane
Helms
ALL those wrestlers range anywhere from good to great as far as ringwork goes, and most are quite over as well. And yet Regal and the cruisers can't get more than five minutes to work with while Kane and Kennedy are being made to look like idiot jobbers, Benoit's in yet another tasteless Eddie storyline, and Booker and Finlay are being jobbed out to Batista regularly. And sadly, anyone else on the roster just feels like filler.
As good as the matches are, it's just not interesting to watch. Even Raw captures my attention more when I swing by it. And without that "must see" value, the ratings aren't gonna get any better.
Just felt like sending my rantings to you after reading this week's R's. Thought you may get a kick out of em.
Keep up the good work mate.
Thank you, sir, and thank you for your views! I didn't just get a kick out of your rantings, I got a whole goddam enzugiri! With the exception of Raw and its ability to capture my interest, I agree with every syllable! Enjoy all your free-time! As for the rest of you, have a great week and do yourself a favor…this Monday, turn the TV off and take your best girl, guy or whoever it is you date to dinner and forget Raw is on. I'll bet you'll have a better time and you might just get laid.
Remember people, show Geoff some love by emailing him here: yostankmama@hotmail.com
RAW!:
Raw 12.04.06:
The Right:
Who's the crazy bitch now? - Victoria is back and she is awesome. After an eternity of horrendous misuse she has been put back into the women's title scene and it is as if she never left. I loved her coming to the ring with her "hit list" ala Kill Bill, with Candice already checked off. She then decimated Maria and when Mickie's sweet ass came out to check on her, she got the beat down and the Widow's Peak, as Victoria yelled, "Who's the crazy bitch now?" Simplistic booking at its best and this is a damn fine little program here, that should produce some fun matches. Rock on Victoria, rock on.
8-Man Tag Team Main Event - So hey now, we had some "rasslin" on a wrestling show, how the hell did that happen? First of all I am loving the Hardy's/MNM stuff. They work really well together and f they tried, added in FBI, London and Kendrick, as well as Regal and Taylor, the WGTT, Highlanders and The Redneck Whirling Dervish and made the tag title span all three brands, the tag team division would rock like no one's business. Oh to dream. Anyway the Hardy's/MNM stuff is good stuff and I am really liking the interaction. The DX/Rated RKO stuff is fun too, when they aren't burying RKO and when you add it altogether you get good times. Also, MY GOD the heels won! About time.
In the end my only major gripe is that of how they handled the booking of Kenny. They set it up earlier in the evening, and the ribbing by RKO was fine as long as followed up on. He made his appearance in the main and laid out HBK with the chair, and the RKO/MNM team picked up the win due to his help/distraction. I am just not sure of the end. Did DX really need to take him out? If it plays out that RKO accepts him due to him taking out HBK and taking a bullet for them that is cool, if not, he has just been buried again and that will suck. Overall though, good stuff.
puRgatory:
Building Cena/Umaga - First of all, I hate the KFED shit, but they did a good job tonight of keeping it fresh in the minds of the fans so that is something. Moving on. They teased Cena vs. Umaga tonight, but smartly held off until the January PPV. They set up Masters vs. Cena in the challenge, but the title would be on the line. Cena did a good job selling the move, the ref bump was predictable and it should have been ended when the ref saw Cena have the hold on Masters, but oh well. Also, what happened to Masters vs. Carlito? Is that forgotten already? I am fine with that though. Then Cena and Umaga had a great brawl/pull apart and the crowd was actually hot for it. In the end they had a backstage segment where Armando said Umaga and Cena couldn't touch for the rest of the year, I like that. Then Cena outsmarted him and Armando got in trouble with Coach, so he now has to face Cena next week. Some good and bad, but overall it could have been worse.
That looked like tag teams… - I don't know about you guys, but I think there was a match on Raw this week…that had, actual tag teams in it! The Highlanders and the Redneck Whirling Dervish actually escaped HEAT hell and made Raw! The match was fine, they didn't get a lot of time, but it was tag team wrestling on Raw, so hoorah. I refuse to get my hopes up though, but I wish they would let there be a tag division. Put the WGTT back together, MNM, The Hardy's and those guys would be a good thing. Also I would put the tag titles on all programs and have them travel since they have said a big fuck you to the brand extension, but there would be tag team goodness with the FBI, London and Kendrick, as well as Regal and Taylor thrown in. But also, that will not happen, but a small bright spot nonetheless. One thing, Cade and Murdoch need to stop changing their look. It annoys me.
The wRong:
Cryme Tyme likes old white people - Why does Cryme Tyme suck now? I mean, why are they now in useless, boring, non-funny skits? Last week was boring as hell as they made fun of Kramer's little fit, Sheik did it MUCH better as he ranted. Anyway that was blah, but I really didn't feel the need to say anything. This week they go to an old person's home and we are supposed to love it? Why? Why are they not on Raw right now? They are undefeated, they beat the tag champs two times and are relegated to skits instead of title matches or hell, regular matches. Enjoy the treadmill guys, as they run your gimmick into the ground, speaking of that, Damn.
Shelton - So after the Cryme Tyme skit, Shelton was hanging out with Todd Grisham, Duggan and Super Crazy. I am sure this is a regular occurrence. Anyway Shelton was insulted that they would laugh, and that they don't understand the plight of the black man. He and Crazy they set up a match, a random match. Sure he is showing personality, none. He is awful when he talks, uninspired and bland. This kid needs a mouthpiece and bad. I miss mama. Also you are killing him as a heel. Shelton got over on his cool moves and natural ability, which are restrained when he is a heel. So he faces Super Crazy in a bland match and wins. It means nothing. It is over, Shelton wins and no one cares. Haas then appears to celebrate with him while Shelton looks on puzzled. Just reunite these men, they are doing NOTHING apart.
The Ridiculous:
Carlito sucks - My God I think that Carlito is getting worse every week. I don't even want to hear that he was in there with Viscera. This match sucked and Carlito sucked a HUGE COCK in this match. His punches are horrendous. His rope running is still beyond bad, to the point the Viscera CAUGHT UP TO HIM while running behind him. Wrap your brains around that, the 500lb man caught up to him! Then he totally blows the finish as he TRIES to be Hayabusa with the senton into the Asai Moonsault. He totally blew the last move, and because he knows no better just went for the pin. It looked horrible. If this is the future of wrestling, we're fucked.
Eugene - The Eugene stuff sucks. No one cares because they waited so long to do this. Also, why would the crowd care that he beat down Val Venis? Val hasn't been on Raw in forever. You cannot get heel heat and face sympathy when there are people out there that no one cares about. At least people can connect with Duggan. Horrendous. Add into that he about tried to rape these women out there and it was just so bad. Please send him to OVW and let him come back as Nick Dimsmore, wrestling master.
ECW on Sci-Fi!:
ECW on Sci-Fi!: 12.05.06:
The Right:
Short Takes - Short takes is the little invention I made a while back. Basically there are always some things on a show that are right and wrong, but aren't big enough for a right or wrong of their own. So what we do is put them all under one banner, and we have short takes.
Selling the injuries: One thing that made me a happy camper this week was that the guys in the Elimination Chamber, that took punishment, seemed to be selling it rather well. RVD had a bandage for being busted open, Punk had his arm taped up, Test was constantly holding his ribs and Holly seemed to keep stretching out his back. Also Tommy Dreamer was al taped up and walking like he came from his grave to his match. This is all important I feel as it seems to be a lost art at times, selling even days later. While Sabu blew his off at times, overall it was a nice touch and one I appreciated.
Paul's Promo: Paul's promo to open the show was a very good one. He put over Big Show big time, the brutality of the match and the blood that was spilled. This was good as later on when Lashley wins it adds to the fact that he beat a dominating force. Good work by Paul, which will be missed.
Show's Promo: I feel that Show picked up from Paul and really added the right feel to his match with his promo. Show has his moments on the mic and I feel that he wanted to make this as important as possible being it was his last night. He did a good job I feel, and I will miss Show.
puRgatory:
Lashley vs. Show - I won't badger on too much about this but this was a solid power match. But who in their right mind thought that 17-minutes for these guys was a good idea? Especially with that finish. I mean, I was trying to figure out who blew up first but it was too close to call. I think if trimmed down to 12-14-minutes this would have been a lot better. At least Lashley went over as a dominating force.
RVD/Punk/Sabu vs. Test/Holly/Security Drones - A solid opening match here, and it plays off of previous feuds and what happened in the chamber and PPV. Adding Punk into the mix with established stars is a smart move and while they won't be blow away matches, I thing these guys will deliver really solid matches and be a centerpiece of the promotion. In the end though I wonder where exactly this goes. Without Heyman, there will be a serious lack of direction. Why is the security still around when he is gone? Did Test and Holly hire them? Will this be explained? We need answers and direction, which we don't have yet.
The wRong:
Daivari/Dreamer/Khali - This feud…MUST continue! While I appreciate the efforts to build up feuds and establish mid-card acts, I am not sure this is the right one to go with. Daivari beats Dreamer at the PPV and Khali decimates him, yet he is able to come out for the match. I understand that and Dreamer should have lost again due to the injuries. Instead he beats Daivari when he can barely move, clean as a whistle and then gets beat down again. Rise, wash and repeat kids.
The Ridiculous:
Nothing of Note
RetRo TNA TURNING POINT 2005:
Match Results:
Pre-Show Match: Lance Hoyt and The Naturals defeated John Bolen, Joe Doering and Buck Quartermain @ 7:15 via pin *
Matt Bentley and Austin Aries defeated Alex Shelley and Roderick Strong @ 8:15 via pin ***¼
Raven defeated Chris K @ 6:11 via pin **
Team Canada defeated the 4LK @ 7:27 via pin**½
Base-Brawl Match: Dale Torborg, Chris Sabin and Sonjay Dutt defeated the Diamonds in the Rough @ 8:22 via pin **
Christian Cage defeated Monty Brown @ 12:45 via pin ***
Tables Match: Team 3D defeated AMW @ 10:51 via Tables ***¼
X Title Match: Samoa Joe defeated AJ Styles @ 19:05 via Submission ****¾
NWA Title Match: Jeff Jarrett defeated Rhino @ 17:33 via pin ***
The Right:
The Era of Joe begins… - The era of Joe has fully begun my friends. He has been a machine since arriving in TNA, but now has defeated AJ Styles again, this time for the X Title. These two men beat the holy hell out of each other, to the point that Joe had a dislocated Jaw and AJ tore his lip open. The brutality was so much and it really gave you a sense of realism that is often lost; and in a way reminded me of Joe vs. Kobashi in that sense. AJ played the determined underdog, fighting with everything he had to take down the seemingly unstoppable Joe. Joe was just the constant ass kicker that wanted nothing but to destroy AJ and take the title, by any means necessary. This was a true war for 19:00 and for me made the PPV a must buy. Finally, if they would have went home 2-minutes earlier, I would have given this ****; it was glorious as is though I must say but going home with that teased muscle buster from the 2nd rope would have been amazing.
Monty vs. Christian/Team 3D vs. AMW - I enjoyed this match. Both men had a lot to prove. Monty still has a lot to prove as far as being a main event guy, and he stepped it up for sure here. Christian had to prove that he was used wrong in the E, and also that he could carry Monty, who is still green, to a good match. I think they accomplished everything they went in there to do. Monty looked good, Christian stepped up his game and in the end good things happened.
As for the tables match, I was really surprised that a lot of people said the Dudleyz were off their game and that the match wasn't that good. I disagree. This was exactly what it should have been, especially without the titles on the line. It was a war, plain and simple. They beat the living hell out of each other. Team 3D was out for revenge due to AMW getting the upper hand on them most of the time. Everyone looked motivated and I think we got what we wanted from the match. This should set up the tag title match next month, and AMW going over to keep the feud rolling.
Abyss vs. Sabu - I really didn't know how to rate this match, which is why when you read the full recap there is no rating for the match. This is different than other hardcore matches they have ran. What I will say is that they brutalized each other and did their best to live up to the "Massacre" part of the show. The fans also appreciated it as after Sabu left and they were cutting Abyss from the sandwiched barbed wire boards; they started chanting, "Thank you." These two guys are crazy bastards, and they mutilated themselves for our entertainment. Thanks guys, thanks for all you do.
Base-brawl does it's job/The X Division delivers - "A.J. Pierzynski home plate-attack on Simon Diamond landed at No. 9 on ESPN's Top 10 sporting moments from this past weekend."
"Johnny Damon said he enjoys watching wrestling on TV, but bringing his wife and kids to the TNA show in-person, "was awesome." "This was exactly what I thought it would be, and I loved it," Damon said."
All of the mainstream publicity they could have dreamed of for this angle they got. Do not kid yourself, this match was designed for this and this alone. They got the publicity they wanted out of the deal, and that is what this was designed to do. In the end they need all of the media they can get, and anytime Sabin and Dutt can shine on PPV, it's a good night as well.
Speaking of X Division guys shining; Bentley, Aries, Strong and Shelley all did so and in a difficult spot. They had to come on about 14-minutes after the Barbed Wire Massacre match, and I can tell you that NO ONE wanted that spot on the card. I could see it now.
Tenay: Bentley, Aries, Strong, Shelley; good news, you are all on the Turning Point card, tag match.
Bentley, Aries, Strong and Shelley: Cool, PPV payoff, sweet.
Tenay: Oh one other thing, you have to follow Sabu and Abyss's Barbed wire match.
Bentley, Aries, Strong and Shelley: FUCK!
To their credit they went out there and had a great match and didn't let what was on first bother them. It was a tight tag match, with good work and some cool and innovative stuff. If they kept these guys as teams for the time it wouldn't bother me one bit. Good work fellas.
The wRong:
Daniels Is back? Also, Switching stipulations? - I think having Daniels back tonight was a bit of a mistake. I really think they should have drawn it out a bit more. The good thing they did was when Joe hit him in the head; Daniels dropped and sold the concussion. Just a small thing I guess, I will admit that it was excellent that they kept him off of TV for a full month between the PPV's.
Also, it WAS announced on the website that the Tag match with AMW and 3D was for the titles, and then they changed it up. I hate when they do that shit, please stop.
Elix Skipper - It is funny, I get a lot of people asking me, "Why is Elix getting shit on so much? Last year at this time he was the awesome with the top of the cage RANA…now he is a total jobber." I can answer this for you, HE ALMOST KILLS PEOPLE!
I had tried to stay on the "Primetime" bandwagon. The man is a tremendous athlete and can do some damn good things. They gave it a go with him vs. Daniels, and the match was good. But since the Lockdown PPV, Elix might as well be called Oxy Clean, because dude is a spot remover. This PPV he about killed young Sonjay Dutt on the tilt a whirl spot, where Elix lost control and tossed young Mr. Dutt onto his face. With TNA stacking the roster and adding in new talent, I think they need to just let him go. Sorry dude, but we can't afford you killing people.
The Ridiculous:
JJ and his army defeat Rhino…OH NOES! A Bat, Boots and a coat! Sting's gear will be the new face of TNA! - The PPV was going really well on Sunday. Things were clicking, the matches were great and it just felt right. And then after JJ defeated Rhino with 5 Canadians, 1 hockey stick, 2 chairs on the 2nd rope stroke and a guitar…STING'S GEAR DEBUTED! Let me say that the match DID keep Rhino strong, but with Christian winning his match and Sting coming, he has no chance at the title anytime soon. Hopefully they can follow upon things and keep him strong for another shot at the belt eventually.
Now remember when I said that the announcement of the Elimination Chamber was met with Apathy? Well, so was Sting's gear. They had all of this momentum going and then the PPV totally ended on a flat note because Sting's gear just wasn't over. I think they should have been more careful in signing Sting's gear to be the new face of TNA, because it wasn't over with the crowd.
Pig Tails? - Come on Kip, pig tails? I cannot defend you any more man, that and last months "ref gear" just scream, "Queer eye for the wrestling guy." Not that there is anything wrong with that, but damn. In the end, you deserved the chair shot for you shitty fashion sense.
The Ri-GOD-DAMN-diculous:
Jeff Hardy - It was back at Hard Justice that Jeff Hardy "accidentally" missed 5 flights to Orlando. I think I said something to the effect of, "Maybe he was too busy with his "Aluminati" art, bastardizing music or here's a stretch; drugged out of his fucking mind. He apparently showed up AFTER the PPV and signed autographs for his little Hardy Party. Piss on you dude, my good nature apparently got the better of me again. Crawl in a trailer and smoke your brains out you worthless piece of shit, no one needs you, you unprofessional little prick."
So he gets suspended for a while, not fired. They only suspended him because they were trying to lure Matt Hardy to TNA. Matt eventually went back to the E so he could lose to Edge, move to SD and go back to Velocity duty. His choice. Then Jeff actually had a few decent performances, and was doing ok.
Now we come to Turning Point, 7-montha later and he no shows a PPV again. Now some people said, "Well I would no show as well. From #1 contender match to Pre-show, that's bullshit." WRONG! Bullshit is not honoring your contract and once again fucking over the company you work for, bullshit is being out for yourself and fucking over any good will you had with the fans and the company. The solution is plain and simple. TNA, you need to listen up.
You do not need Jeff Hardy. Jeff Hardy has been a plague on your company since day 1. He hasn't brought in higher ratings or buyrates. Most of his performances have been bad, sloppy and or uninspired; he has been dangerous. In the end he doesn't care about TNA, the wrestlers, the fans or anyone but himself. So fuck you Jeff Hardy. TNA, pull your heads from your asses, realize the talent you have and FIRE him now. Not later, don't give him another chance. He already has burned the bridges, get rid of him now and don't look back.
And Jeff, they have drug testing in the E now, just sayin.
Final thoughts:
The big matches all delivered at *** or more. There was a lot of hype going into the show, and they did what they had to in order to deliver. With all of those matches delivering, and AJ and Joe kicking all kinds of ass, I will go with an 8.2 out of 10 for the show and this is a definite "thumbs up" and you need to see the replay.
READER RANT TIME!
From Matthew on Survivor Series -
Finally got to watch SS 2006 last night, and the first thing I thought of when Batista used the belt against King Booker was that it was an homage to Eddie's title win over Brock at NWO 2004. If you listen, the announcers' commentary is almost an exact duplicate of what was said when Eddie acted like he was going to use the belt to KO Brock – "Not this way!" "Batista cheated!" and Cole referring to the belt as the "Championship". I agree that it wasn't very well executed, but I think that it was a nice, subtle, *appropriate* tribute to Eddie – not the ham-fisted "tributes" that Chavo and Rey have been victim to over the past year. Just my $0.02.
From Brett on various things -
While I agree that jobbing Bukre and Turkay to the Hardys wasn't a good idea at least there was some sort of logic behind doing it. Turkay's 1st WWE match was against Matt Hardy on Smackdown and the 1st person to get a pin on Turkay in a WWE ring was you guessed it Matt Hardy, now this wasn't mentioned but I did find it to be a nice little touch even if it was totally
accidental on the part of the WWE.
As for the Hardy's and MNM being a one night only, I'm wondering if it is, there is a card doing the rounds for a upcoming House Show in New Jersey on December
28th, 2 interesting matches are apparently on that card.
Shelton Benjamin vs. Carlito vs. Chris Masters for the IC title and Hardy's vs. MNM in a "One Night Only Re-Match"
Now, I'm not sure how reliable this card is as on November 5th the same house show was rumored to contain a Jeff Hardy, Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin, Carlito 4 way for the IC Title and some even rumored this to be a ladder match.
Anyway, really enjoy reading the 3R's each week so keep up the good work.
From Tim on TNA -
I haven't watched TNA in months (no cable at my place) but I make sure to read your re-caps every week. I just have to say that TNA of late has really been disappointing to read about. Last week's show didn't even have 10 minutes of wrestling and of the three matches featured only one had a semi-clean finish (the X-Division two minute wonder). The whole thing stinks of Russo, the same vibe I get when I read about his time at WCW.
It's sad, I used to be such a huge TNA mark. I would tell people that TNA was better than other wrestling, that it wasn't about stupid storylines. Now it's looking to be just as bad as WWE. For instance, the way the Abyss angle is heading I'm getting Katie Vick flashbacks. The only way this will work for me is if Abyss refuses Sting's help and stays the monster that I'm a fan of. I don't want to see Abyss emote, I want to see him Black Hole Slam his opponents into thumbtacks. No need to clutter him up with a stupid back-story. I hope things get turned around soon. I'd hate to see TNA falter when it should be growing.
And finally from Johnny Kinard of "A lot of things" -
Good column (per usual) last week. While my friend and I were discussing pro wrestling, I had a few thoughts that I wanted to share. First and foremost, I have been having a problem with the gimmick of MVP. Now I'm not sure if the guy playing the role really know more on how to wrestle than he's letting on, or if he read the "Kevin Nash's Move set" pamphlet, but he is not doing it for me. The problem is that MVP is nothing special. He had at least five matches, and in not one match did he do anything that made me go, "hmm, impressive, or, "nice move". The fact that he is the highest paid wrestler on the roster before having his first match made Teddy Long look like a damn idiot. To be honest, I think that the MVP gimmick should've been used for Monty Brown. Think about it, the man is a former professional football player, he main-evented for TNA, he's a good talker, and a lot of people already know about him though his football and/or TNA career. He could've appeared a month before his first match, hyping his accomplishments in football and TNA, having an entourage around him at all times, that sort of thing. What we see on Smackdown is a guy whom dresses like Flash Funk 2006 that could be a player…one day.
The second thing is the Spirit Squad mass burial. When I read this on the re-cap, I was thinking EXCATALY what you wrote. The worst part about this wasn't even the fact that the Spirit Squad were shipped out of WWE by two people whom ALWAYS whipped their asses despite the fact that there are five of them to their two. No, what DX has managed to do was de-values the Tag Team titles without ever having to fight for them! Seriously, the Spirit Squad were beaten so many times by DX (while holding the Tag straps) that the average fan would think that DX were the unofficial Tag Team champs. Then, at Survivor Series, Team RKO, (whom co-captains were the Tag champs) was shutout by Team DX. It's as if a message were being sent to the WWE viewer; DX is so dominate, they do not even need the Tag titles. I mean, damn, even the Road Warriors weren't this dominate in their heyday. DX has been together for over 6 months and as a duo has yet to suffer a beat down or even been outsmarted. Sure, Shawn Michaels have been embarrassed a couple of times, but never with Triple H in the same building. Hell, the ONLY time I can recall Trips suffering a beat down solo was against Umaga four months ago. Hell, they are like the Umaga's of Tag Team wrestling.
