Friendly Competition 12.16.06
Posted by Sam Caplan on 12.16.2006
ECW is on the wrong day this week, Kurt Angle runs amok, Vital Social Issues N' Stuff, and I talk about what I learned on ECW and TNA this week. Plus, heads are about to start rolling!
Welcome back my friends, to the show that never ends. We're so glad you could attent, come inside, come inside. I'm your host, the man who ran the 59-second mile, Al Sharpton's only white friend, and the only man on the planet who knows what the Scroll Lock key is for...Stuart "F'N" Carapola! OH, HERRO! We've got plenty of fun fun fun, so let's jump right into it with...
ECW On Sci-Fi Results 12/16/2006
Taped on 12/12/2006 in Boston, Massachusetts
Note: this show didn't actually air as of this writing, it will air on Saturday when this column goes up. If anything major happens that wasn't covered by the spoilers, I'll mention it next week. Oh yeah, SPOILER ALERT!!
-Test defeated Rob Van Dam by sitting down and holding the ropes on a sunset flip attempt.
-Matt Striker comes out for a classroom segment and rips on the local Boston crowd. Balls Mahoney comes out and attacks, but Striker kicks him low and runs.
-CM Punk defeated Hardcore Holly by DQ when Holly was disqualified for excessive brutality. Punk came back and caught Holly in the Anaconda Vice, but by that point the whole thing was said to have fallen flat.
-Tommy Dreamer challenges the Great Khali, but Daivari answers instead. Dreamer wins again, but Khali does his one move to Dreamer, again on the floor.
-ECW World Champion Bobby Lashley defeated Paul Heyman's former security team and then beat them up with a nightstick afterward.
TNA Impact Results 12/14/2006
Taped on 12/11/2006 in Orlando, Florida
-Kurt Angle opens the show by threatening the well being of Jeremy Borash.
-Bobby Roode is in the ring with Miss Brooks, and when he's not happy, nobody's happy. He has a contract for Eric Young, but Kurt Angle comes out and menaces them away, then says he can't sleep at night knowing he lost to Joe, and he wants a rematch. Joe basically says "Fuck you, you said it was the last match. Get bent." Angle is pissed and attacks Don West because he sold him fake diamonds off of QVC. In a refreshing change of pace, the non-wrestler does not tap when put in a submission hold while not in the context of a wrestling match.
-But we don't have time to worry about Don West writhing in pain on the ground, because we have to get to Ron Killings' contractually obligated squash loss, this time to NWA World Champion Abyss. (7:45)
-Jim Cornette joins Tenay at ringside and makes LAX vs AMW tonight, and if AMW doesn't win the NWA Tag Team Title, they split as a team.
-Christian wants a title shot, and if he doesn't get it, Tomko will tell a secret about Abyss.
-Miss Brooks is in the back trying to get Eric Young to sign the contract, but Angle busts in looking for Joe, then before Eric can answer, he beats the shit out of him.
-Another hilarious PCS where they do Backlund pushups. Jay Lethal wins.
-Petey Williams beats Christopher Daniels in a non-title match due (3:50) to Daniels attacking Lynn for preventing Chris Sabin from attacking him.
-Kurt Angle's in the back stretching out Slick Johnson.
-After a recap of VKM's antics at the PPV, Kurt Angle drags So Cal Val into the ring ans steps on her hair. He wants her to wash the floor, make him something to eat, and then it's time for a little So Cal PAIN. Fortunately for women's rights supporters everywhere, the uber-tolerant Jim Cornette climbs into the ring and, while he can't force Joe into a singles rematch due to Joe's contract (which clearly states on line 43: "If Kurt Angle ever comes to TNA, I cannot be forced into a singles rematch with him."), but can put him in a tag match against Joe next week so he can convince Joe, Olympic style, to change his mind.
-AMW professes to be united, but lose to LAX when James Storm smashes a beer bottle over Harris' head, allowing LAX to get the win to retain (6:52). Hey, Cornette seems awful calm. I think I heard somewhere that he doesn't like Homicide. Storm and Petey Williams argue backstage over the incident.
-Cage and Tomko come out to tell the secret, but Abyss comes out and they brawl back and forth, but Sting appears and talks sense to Abyss. Abyss goozles Jim Mitchell, so Sting grabs the belt and runs. When did he join Cryme Tyme?
Thanks to Larry Csonka for match times.
Overall Top Ten Ranking
As voted by me. This ranking includes wrestlers from both groups and is entirely subjective.
ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley (Champion Since 12/3/2006)
NWA World Champion: Abyss (Champion Since 11/19/2006)
1)Samoa Joe
2)Kurt Angle
3)Test
4)CM Punk
5)Petey Williams
6)Christian Cage
7)Tommy Dreamer
8)Ron Killings
9)Hardcore Holly
10)Kevin Thorn
Dickhead Of The Week: Tommy Dreamer
For the second week in a row, he beats up poor little Shawn Daivari, then gets squashed by the guy who isn't supposed to be a wrestler right now. Somehow I get the feeling that Tommy's not going to be the guy to get a decent match out of the big lug. So let me get this straight, the guy gives up a cushy office job in the developmental territory to come back and work as a wrestler in ECW, the promotion he sunk his heart and soul into, only to be buried as a glorified jobber, not even put on TV for weeks on end, and then he finally gets brought back just to put over Khali? No offense, Tommy, but you're a fucking moron.
ECW News
A new ECW DVD will be released, it will be called ECW Extreme Rules and will come on two discs. The first disc will feature all matches from the original ECW run, while the second disc will feature all matches from the revived brand.
I think this will sell pretty well because of the old ECW footage and newer fans not knowing the difference. In all fairness, while I think having new ECW stuff on this DVD is an eye-roller in much the same way every career retrospective DVD has a match with Triple H on it, the new matches on this DVD aren't that bad.
Former ECW Tag Team Champion Danny Doring was released.
Not a big shock. He had almost no presence in the new brand, which brings us to...
There is speculation going around that since Paul Heyman is gone, any link to the original ECW vision is as well. Consequently, it is speculated that other, less-utilized names from the original ECW will be released as well.
I hope Tony Mamaluke didn't burn his bridges with ROH on the way out, looks like he might be looking for work. Seriously, what a bummer. I guarantee you that all these guys were coming in excited that things would finally be like the old days again, but instead had that memory ruined by the new version of ECW. Most of them have gotten little, if any, TV time and now, with no house shows to put them on, it's looking like there is definitely going to be major activity going on in Personnel in the next couple of weeks.
TNA News
TNA is expecting to get a lot of mainstream publicity out of the Pierzinski/Eckstein brawl at Turning Point.
I went into this in Fact Or Fiction, but I don't agree with this kind of thing. Like I said in FoF, this isn't Mike Tyson or Mr T we're talking about here, it's a couple of fucking baseball players. They may be strapping young lads, but when I think tough guy, I don't usually think pro baseball. If you really need somebody from the outside world, get Ortiz or Tyson or someone. If this leads to a match, it's stupid because it takes time away from the real wrestlers. If it doesn't, it's pointless.
Hermie Sadler has invited "Paul and Michael" to have a shootfight with VKM at the UWF/TNA show in South Hill, Virginia the night before Armageddon in Richmond.
I'm going to go against the grain here, I enjoy what VKM is doing and I think it's great because it's made the two of them more interesting than they're been in years. I don't want to see them winning the NWA Tag Team Title or anything, but if you had them doing this stuff and more gimmick-related things than actually wrestling, it would be great. But it looks like this is going to be another of those Eric Bischoff "Look, they didn't show up! They're afraid of us! We're the coolest motherfuckers around!!" moments.
Samoa Joe injured his knee at the Impact tapings and continues to work through sciatica. He was later diagnosed with a severe second degree sprain of his MCL. He's expected to miss the weekend shows, but will definitely work the Impact taping on Monday.
Joe is a fucking warrior. I've had sciatica and it really, really sucks, and I certainly can't imagine wrestling with it. But he's been dealing with that and the knee problems all year, but hasn't wanted to take time off because of the mega push he's getting, both in TNA and ROH. I have a lot of respect for him since he can continue to put on the matches he does in TNA, ROH, and elsewhere despite the pain. He deserves everything he gets.
Jim Ross, in his latest column, mentioned that he doesn't expect WWE to respond to VKM's grandstand challenge.
This doesn't come as any great shock to me, what about you? If he didn't respond to Bischoff in '98, there's no way he's going to acknowledge these two. I will say that you'd think they'd be more grateful because if it wasn't for the WWF pushing the New Age Outlaws, they'd probably both be stuck in indy hell in front of 15 people or worse right now.
TNA returns to the road this weekend, with house shows in Knightdale, NC on Friday the 15th and South Hill, Virginia on Saturday the 16th.
Let's hope there's no more cancellations. They can't afford for anything like that to ever happen again.
Vital Social Issues N' Stuff With Stuart
-Now that I've had a week to ponder on the situation, I have some advice for Mike Knox. Don't worry about the whole thing with Kelly. She's a whore. But then, is she really different from any other woman on the planet? See Mike, I have this philisophy, and it's that any woman worth having is basically a whore. You might not think so or want to think so, but it's true. It just depends what they're willing to whore themselves out for. Some whore themselves out to guys with money. Take a look at most lawyers and doctors. You know the type, the fat, piggy looking guys who couldn't get a date off a calendar if they didn't have money. But then they start pulling down a couple hundred grand a year and all of a sudden every woman on the planet wants them. The second kind are women who whore themselves out to good looking guys. Kelly falls under this particular classification. They don't care how you treat them or what you do for a living or even if you're capable of speech, as long as you look good and drive a nice car. In fact, they usually spend much of their free time stepping out with other people, such as CM Punk. The third kind is the kind that just looks for somebody to latch onto who will take care of them while they basically waste away watching soap operas all day. You'll have to do all the housework because she can never be bothered, and then to make matters worse, she'll quit her job about a month after you move in together and won't go back to work. So she'll sit at home all day doing nothing, not willing to look for a job or anything, and basically the only thing she'll accomplish is putting on about 50 pounds. This, of course, leaves you to not only do all the housework, but also pay all the bills yourself because her unemployment checks go straight to cigarettes, DVDs, and Pepsi. But it won't be all bad, with her home all day you'll definitely know for a fact that the internet, cable TV, and microwave are all working. I hear stuff like that happens to some guys.
But anyway, the moral of the story is that you're better off. Concentrate on wrestling and learning how to cut a promo instead of worrying about who your skank is stepping out with.
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Not to make light of the situation, but I just saw the video of the mortar attack situation while WWE was in Iraq, and I have to say that as bad as the product's gotten the last few years, it's about fucking time somebody tried to blow up a WWE show. I know I've played with the idea every now and then. I'd also be willing to bet that if Osama Bin Laden decided to blow up WWE shows instead of buildings containing thousands of innocent civilians, he might not be as reviled as he is. But this just goes to show that the terrorists can't fucking do anything right. I mean, how much larger a target do you need than a wrestling ring? For crissakes, it was the only thing out there that wasn't brown! Come one, do we have to put a big, flashing neon sign on the ring that says "BLOW ME UP, I HATE ALLAH"? No wonder they live in caves. Fucking losers.
The Weekly Execution Of AJ Styles
In my personal homage to Kenny from South Park, in this section I will execute my least favorite currently active wrestler, AJ Styles, on a weekly basis. As my way of giving back to the man, Mr Styles can be assured that, if he does nothing else in a given week, he has guaranteed column space here.
In honor of Angel Nievas Diaz, who was executed earlier this week in Florida, this week we're going to execut AJ Styles by lethal injection. However, those of you who are familiar with the story of Mr Diaz know that the first injection didn't kill him, so they had to give him a second one and it still took him 34 minutes to die. Now obviously, I can't afford to have this happen because I'm a busy man, so I'll just load him up with dose after dose until I'M convinced he's dead.
So here we are, we've got AJ strapped to the chair...what's that, AJ? I'm a what? Well, I guess this first one will have to be a double dose! Here we go...oops, needle went in a little too deep. I don't think it's supposed to come out the other side like that. So let's S-L-O-W-L-Y pull it out and try again somewhere else...there we go! Oh man, you gotta see his eyes rolling back into his head. That's awesome. So let's see...nah, looks like he's still alive. Oh wow, he can still talk too? That's not supposed to happen! Let's see what he's saying. You're gonna do what? To ME?? I can't print that! Okay, we gotta do something about that potty mouth, here comes the second one...in the nutsack. OOOOOH, that's a weird color for it to be turning.
Well, he's stopped talking now. Actually, he's still making weird moaning and grunting noises, but he's not actually able to form words. AJ, now's not the time to be cutting one of your usual promos, okay? BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Okay, back to business, and he's still alive. Let's give him another one, but where should I give it to him? In the arm? Nah. Up the ass? Nah, we did enough damage to that last week. AH, IN THE EYE! Hey, it's nice and close to the brain, this might finish the job quicker. So there we go...ah, it won't go in. Let me just keep jabbing it in here until I find a soft spot...nah, not happening. Well, let's try the other one, we'll give it one good, hard jab...THERE WE GO! Ewwwww, what's this stuff leaking out? Well, no matter, he won't be needing it. So let's go ahead and administer the injection. Okay, done.
Oh, AJ, not again! Man, we've got to teach you to control your bodily functions if we're going to keep doing these. AJ? Hm, let's check...WE'VE GOT FLATLINE! Another job well done. This was a fun one.
If you've got suggestions for any fun ways we can kill AJ Styles in a future column, pass them along tostuwrestling@hotmail.com.
Lots of ECW stuff this week, as Ronny discusses the fall of Paul Heyman in The Piledriver Report.
I think Samuel Berman and I are going to get on just fine. He looks at the Whitmer/Jacobs vs Strong/Evans match from ROH Manhattan Mayhem in the debut edition of The Independent Mid-Card.
Also debuting this week is Zac Calhoun, who brings us the inaugural edition of The Ripple Effect.
Larry's back with your favorite column and mine, Wrestling's 3R's.
Finally, it's time for shameless self-promotion, as this week I appear with my pal Ari Berenstein in Fact Or Fiction, plus my usual Friday spot in That Was Then, where I compare WWE to the war in Iraq.
What Did We Learn This Week?
In all things, there is at least one lesson to be learned. Here I will impart upon you what I took away from each week in ECW and TNA. You are encouraged to send in your own life lessons learned from such men as Kevin Thorn and Sonjay Dutt.
This week on ECW On Sci-Fi, I learned that...
-When Vince wants you to go to Iraq, you better fucking go to Iraq.
-When you have a wife and children to feed, giving up your cushy office job with benefits to go work as a job guy on a meaningless third-tier brand that has no house shows and only two annual PPVs to get bonuses from may not be the best career path to take.
-The Sean O'Haire Law still applies: When you're playing second fiddle to somebody who matters, and then the person who matters is suddenly gone, you're probably not going to be on TV much longer yourself.
This week on TNA Impact, I learned that...
-A good way to get what you want out of your job is to go around attacking coworkers. Bonus if they're Canadian.
-Chris Harris has a harder head than Tommy Dreamer.
-Being a born-again Christian doesn't mean you can't go around ripping off other people's bling.
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Well folks, that's another one in the can. I'll be back in seven with more Friendly Competition. Until then, if you have any ideas for The Weekly Execution Of AJ Styles or What Did We Learn This Week, or any other kind of feedback, send it along to stuwrestling@hotmail.com. Thanks for reading, and until next time...would you like a jelly baby?
