Just S'pose - 12.24.06
Posted by Ron Gamble on 12.24.2006
"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" - Clarence, "It's a Wonderful Life"
For the record, I did not know prior to last week that my column had been moved to Sunday. It makes perfect sense, since I'm always having some type of computer problems, whether with my old Cowputer or my newer Dude Machine. If only I could get these things corrected...
The past three games with the Steelers have been incredible. They completely demolished the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Breveland Clowns, and the Carolina Panthers for their first three-game winning streak of the season. Tampa only avoided a shutout by kicking a field goal on the very last play of the game, the Clowns got lucky on a 45-yard pass late in the fourth, and Carolina got a field goal in the second quarter to avoid the zero. Today, as this is posted, Da Stillers host the Baltimore Ravens (or, as Myron Cope called them, the Balto Birdies). Last time they played, on November 26, the Ravens controlled the entire game, winning 27-0. This week, revenge!
I have barely mentioned the Pittsburgh Penguins on here lately, but the time has come to concentrate on them. After all, it looks like Da Stillers have only two games left in their season, so we'll move seamlessly into hockey.
And, just as I get into writing about the team with the brightest future in the league (Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Jordan Staal, anyone?), we find out the promise of a new arena provided gratis by a casino company has gone away. For those of you not familiar with the full story, Isle of Capri Casino was fighting for the rights to be the only licensed casino in Pittsburgh, and promised that if the state of Pennsylvania awarded them the license, Isle of Capri would build a $290 million dollar arena for the city, with the main tenant the Pens.
On Wednesday, Pennsylvania awarded the license to... someone else! The Pens are for sale, their lease with Mellon Arena (aka The Igloo) expires after the season, and the NHL has now revoked their demand that any new owner keep the team in Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh's mayor has pledged that a new arena deal will be completed to keep the team in the 'Burgh, but so many prospective buyers want to buy them and move to Winnipeg, Portland, Kansas City, Houston, etc.
On Thursday, current owner and former hockey god Mario Lemieux announced the team was no longer for sale, but that he was actively seeking out a new location for the team. I don't know if I can root for the "Portland Penguins," the "Winnipeg Jets II," the "Cleveland Steamers," or any other team that used to play in The Igloo.
On to the festivities!
LOOK, DADDY! TEACHER SAYS EVERY TIME A BELL RINGS, A WRESTLER LOSES A MATCH!
Bret Hart looked at the state of wrestling one day and asked himself, "What has happened? I tried my best to make professional wrestling an honorable profession, but people continue to laugh at it. I wanted to be remembered as 'the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be,' but for some reason, no one remembers me except as 'the guy that got screwed by Vince McMahon.' I wonder how bad things could have been? I wonder how bad things would be if I were never born?"
Suddenly, an object fell from the sky and landed about fifteen feet from him. Bret ran over to it, and found it was a human-like creature. What's more, it was still alive.
"I'll show you, Bret," it said, as Bret fell backwards in astonishment. The thing sat up, turned toward him, and spoke again. "My name is Cecil, and I've been sent to show you what things would be like if you were never born."
"..." was Bret's shocked reply.
"Bret, trust me. I'll show you some things you won't like, and other things you'll be happy about, but as of this moment, we will look back at what wrestling would have been like if you were never born. Ready?"
"..."
"Okay, here we go!" Cecil snapped his fingers, and they were instantly in Atlanta, Georgia in 1979. The ring announcer spoke to the crowd gathered in the television studio on a Saturday morning.
"...and his opponent, 235 pounds, from Marietta, Georgia, Jack Roberts!"
"Hey, that's Jacques Rougeau!" said Bret, the first words he spoke since Cecil fell from the sky.
"That's right, only here, his name has been 'Americanized' to Jack Roberts. The Georgia people didn't think their fans would cheer for a wrestler with a French name. You see, he was here in Georgia at the same time as you, but you got the mid-level push, while Jacques was known as 'enhancement talent.' He was a star in Quebec, but in Georgia, he never got to win. Since there's no 'Bret Hart from Montana' here, the bookers in Georgia needed someone to fill that spot, and Jacques got the push."
"Well, things went well for him, right?"
"We'll see more about Jacques in the future. In the meantime, we have to move on." Cecil snapped his fingers, and they were transported to another familiar place.
"Hey, we're in Calgary! I know this locker room! This is 1983?"
"Yes."
"And, there's Dad, and Smith, and Bruce, and Keith, and... look at Owen. He's about, what, 17?"
"No, 18. He's not ready to get into the ring yet, and... well, I can't tell you more yet. You'll see soon enough."
"What?"
"Trust me. I can't tell you yet. But, with eleven years between Dean and Owen, and Ross not ready to become a full-time wrestler, they need someone to take Stampede Wrestling to the next level. Without you there, Stu can't placec that mantel on a family member that he knows the crowd will love. So, he went with someone else, outside the family."
"Who?"
"Look at the ring."
The announcer yelled into the microphone. "His opponent, weighing in at 278 pounds, here is the Olympic Hero, Allen Coage!"
"Bad News Allen?"
"No, Bret. Olympic Hero Allen Coage. He never quite gets the crowd's full support, and attendance drops. None of the other Hart brothers are able to challenge him as far as size and talent, but he can't touch them when it comes to support. Stampede Wrestling stumbles, and when the time comes for Vince McMahon to offer to buy different territories, your father decides to listen. But, with no great draw, the price drops to about half of what he offered in real life. Stu declines the offer, and Stampede Wrestling is forced out of business two years later. Your father's life's work ends with a whimper, and he dies in 1992. Your mother Helen, heartbroken, dies six months later."
Bret stared at the scene in front of him, knowing that the good times he knew would never reach this reality. He blinked, looked at Cecil, and said, "What's next?"
"Next would be..." *SNAP!* "...1985, in the WWF."
"Ah. This was back when Vince McMahon was reasonably honorable. Who takes my place in the Hart Foundation?"
"No one. Because you're not here, Jim Neidhart never makes it to the WWF. He is still in Calgary at this point, but after Stampede Wrestling goes under in 1986, he'll continue to wrestle on the independent scene around Canada and the western US. He'll retire in 1994, and he and Ellie will have a nice life together."
"Okay, what about Jimmy?"
"Jimmy Hart? He's right over there, with his star tag team."
Bret looked where Cecil pointed, and saw two men wearing robes reading "Fabuleux Jacques" and "Fabuleux Raymond."
Bret shook his head in disbelief, then looked at Cecil. "The Rougeaus?"
"The Rougeaus. Jack Roberts in Georgia was able to go back to his real name, bring his brother to the WWF, and the two of them became a good tag team. But, they were never allowed to move up the ladder. They never had even a title match, and in 1987, when their contract expired, they went back to Montreal."
"But what about Jimmy?"
"Jimmy Hart stayed another year or so until his contract expired in late 1988, but because he was seen as a manager of mid-level talent, he was never taken seriously after the Rougeaus left. He returned to Memphis, quit wrestling altogether, and opened a chain of retaurants called 'Jimmy Hart's Mouth-Smackin' Chicken.' He has seventeen restaurants in Tennessee."
"So, even though he didn't make it in wrestling, he turned out okay, right?"
"Yes, he did. And so did the Rougeaus."
"So, where's the part where I find out their lives went horribly wrong?"
"Pardon me?"
"You heard me," Bret said plainly. "I watch 'It's a Wonderful Life' every year. I know that when you take one person out of the equation, everyone else that person knew is supposed to suffer. Bad things happen to my family's company because I'm not there, so you're telling me no one else suffers because of my absence?"
"I never said that, Bret. Everybody who you knew is missing something in their lives. Just because someone doesn't seem to be suffering, that doesn't mean his life isn't sadder.
"Jimmy Hart always wanted to be in the wrestling business, but after his experience in the WWF, he was soured on wrestling altogether. Now and then, Jerry Lawler asks him to show up for a reunion show, and the occasional fan will walk into one of his restaurants with a megaphone hoping to get an autograph, but that's all he does with the business. He still looks at himself and wonders what should have been."
Bret looked down at the ground, thinking about what happened to his friend. After about fifteen seconds, he asked softly, "What about Owen?"
Cecil smiled slyly. "We'll come back to him. But first..." *SNAP!*
They stood in a business office. A large WWF logo hung on a wall behind the large desk. Bret recognized the office as Vince McMahon's in what was formerly known as Titan Tower, but the attitude of the man sitting at the desk was nothing like the man he knew as Vince McMahon. This one was listening to the opinions of the younger men in the room, but instead of getting opinions, he seemed to be taking notes on what the younger men were saying.
"What is Vince doing? And why is he letting those guys talk to him like that?"
"He's taking orders from them, is what's happening. The men here are Kevin Nash, Scott Hall, Pete Polaco, Sean Waltman, Paul Leveque, and Michael Hickenbottom. They are known as The Clique, and they pretty much run the company. Vince is more or less a figurehead, and these men tell him what to do."
"But, why?"
"Because a couple years ago, after Hulk Hogan left the company, he needed someone to take the lead. He let Scott Hall, also known as Razor Ramon, win the title from Yokozuna, and business boomed. He became so convinced that Scott and his friends knew the way to keep the company growing, that he listened to them exclusively, and lost all other opinions. Now, the company is made up of Scott's friends and a bunch of other people who can't get hired on anywhere else."
"What about the title? What happened after Scott lost the title?"
"Well, he lost it to Kevin Nash. From there, it went back to Scott, then to Shawn Michaels, back to Kevin, then to Hunter Hearst-Helmsley, back to Scott, back to Shawn, over to Lightning Kid, then to PJ Walker, back to Scott--"
"Okay, okay. I get the idea. How long does this go on?"
"Well, in 1998, Vince decides to change things up a little, in an effot to try to catch up to WCW. He starts something he calls 'WWF Attitude,' which allows people like Brian Pillman, Billy Gunn, Al Snow, Mick Foley, Rocky Maivia, and Steve Austin to put touches of their own personalities into their characters, but none of them get the chance to move up to the top tier. Business continues to stagnate, and although the WWF never goes out of business, they certainly settle into the number two position in North American wrestling companies."
"You didn't mention Owen," Bret says, hesitatingly. "Does this mean he avoids... you know?"
"Ah, yes. It's time for you to see for yourself. Let's go back to Calgary." *SNAP!*
Bret looks down at the man sitting in the wheelchair. It is his own baby brother.
"What year is this, Cecil?"
"It's 2006."
"So, Owen's alive?"
"Yes, he is, but he's paralyzed from the waist down. Martha, Oje, and Athena all help take care of him, but he will never walk again."
Bret bent over to look at Owen's face, and went to hug him, before remembering Owen could not see or feel him. To this Owen, he never existed. "What happened?"
"Well, Bret, Owen saw that Stampede Wrestling was going bankrupt, and he realized that, even though he was the last Hart brother, his presence in the company would do nothing to help them. So, he went into construction to try to earn as much money as he could so he could retire early. One day, while working on a high rise building in Edmonton, he hooked his safety harness to the building frame, but the harness broke, and he fell about twenty-five feet. He landed flat on his back, but the damage to his spinal cord was irreparable.
"Owen and Martha sued the company that made the harness, and they won over $12 million, but they won't be able to live in their dream house on the British Columbia shore. All of the money they won in the lawsuit will go toward his health care. He's alive, and he'll spend about twenty-five more years with Martha than in the world you know, but his quality of life is not great. He is highly depressed, and has even contemplated suicide a few times."
Bret looked sadly at his brother for another minute, then stood up. "What about Martha? How is she holding up?"
"At first, she was angry at the world for allowing this to happen to her husband. After the anger went away, she was relieved he was still alive. She still loves him, but at the end of the day when she's exhausted after taking care of her husband and two children, well..."
As if on cue, the sound of a woman sobbing creeps into the room. Bret and Cecil walked into the room, where Martha was sitting on the edge of the bed, head in hands, crying. Instinctively, Bret walked over to her before remembering, again, there was nothing he could do to comfort his sister-in-law. He dropped his head and closed his eyes for about a minute before whispering, "What's next, Cecil."
"That's it, Bret. These are all the people whose lives you have affected in noticeable ways. There are literally millions of others who will never know what it is to watch you in the ring, and hundreds of kids who will never have the dream of becoming a wrestler just like you, but your absence in their lives is more omission than outright effect. You say that you've seen 'It's a Wonderful Life' many times, so you know that one person's life touches so many others. You may avoid the events in Montreal, and you may avoid the kick from Goldberg that gave you a concussion that ended your career, but you'll also never get to experience giving your sunglasses to kids around the world, or teaming with your brothers and brothers-in-law. The bad things in your career will never happen, but neither will the good. Is it worth the trade?"
Bret thought for a few seconds, then turned to Cecil and said, "No, I guess it isn't worth the trade. Take me home, Cecil."
One snap later, and Bret was sitting back in his home, alone. He sat in stunned silence for five seconds, then smiled to himself. It was a wonderful life, after all.
REMEMBER, BRET: NO MAN IS A FAILURE WHO HAS TITLES.
I've given Bret a lot of grief over the years for taking his character too seriously. I still believe that, but I've also come to understand it a bit more over the years. While thinking about who I could write this about, Bret was the first one I could think of who made sense. I hope you enjoyed it. If not, well, I'll try again next year.
As for the next column, I have an idea that will be fun if I can pull it off. No hints!
Well, maybe one: it involves a wrestler doing something different than what actually happened.
I will see you again on the first weekend of the NFL playoffs, where I will be an interested bystander with probably no rooting interest. Until then, as always, have a Merry... line?
