The Top Ten 1.23.07: Royal Rumble Matches

Good day my dear friends and welcome to another regal edition of The Top Ten. This week we’re going to look at The Top Ten Royal Rumble matches so I hope you all have on your crowns, robes and concubines at your feet. I always look forward to the Rumble as I have never seen a rumble that I didn’t enjoy in some form. I love the aura of unpredictability surrounding the match, from not knowing the entry order to not knowing if there will be any guest appearances to not knowing who’s going to win the damn thing. This is the first rumble in a while that I have pretty much no idea who the hell is going to win it. My money is going with either Shawn Michaels (since it’s going to be in his hometown) or The Undertaker (since it’s pretty much guaranteed that he’s facing off with Batista at WM23). Either way, it should be a fun rumble as they have a TON of talent in the rumble this year.

I’d also like to take a second to remember Bam Bam Bigelow, who I feel was one of the best big men ever in the business. The fact that he was only 45 makes it even sadder as it seems that a lot of these great wrestlers are dying at early ages. He’s largely remembered for facing off against Lawrence Taylor in the main event of Wrestlemania 11, but the man had a great career far beyond that. His best work probably came in ECW as he was allowed to be more like “The Beast From The East” and had some classic matches with the likes of RVD and Taz. Bam Bam will surely be missed. I know that I for one am sick of hearing about my childhood wrestling idols dying so I hope that Vince is truly serious about the Wellness Policy so that future generations of fans won’t have to deal with so many of their idols dying far too early.

Reader Feedback

First up is Brian who proceeds to pay me some respect before ripping me a new asshole. Sounds like this club I know in the Village:

Hello Mr. Williams:

First off Happy New Year to you. Now that we have
dispensed the formalities, I must take issue with you
top 10 list. Your number 10 entry should have been
number one for the very reason you give. All the
other people on you list were not great workers at
all, but when you take a great worker like Terry
Taylor and dress him up like a chicken, it makes his
gimmick the worst of them all. Also, you left off
Doink the Clown. Matt Borne was also a great worker
in his day, but when you put clown makeup on him, it
makes for a bad gimmick because you disguise his
talent. And how could you forget the Ding Dongs in
the NWA in 1989, bells on the costume, a bell in the
corner, come on Mr. Williams, you are slipping! But a
good job none the less!

Brian makes a good point here, but I still don’t think The Red Rooster gimmick is as atrocious as some of the other gimmicks that were listed. It was a shame because they wasted a talented wrestler with a bad gimmick, but The Red Rooster gimmick wasn’t nearly as unwatchable as some of the other gimmicks. Shockmaster? Phantasio? Now THOSE are the cream ‘o the crap.

Next up is Steve who adds some more crappy gimmicks onto an already humongous pile of shit:

Julian,

While I can’t argue any of your choices as being bad gimmicks, I think there are a few that would be more worthy of your top 10. Some I can come up with are(in no order):

The Goon-Vince, somehow, thought it was a good idea to take a decent worker like “Wild” Bill Irwin and make him some thug of a hockey player…in the mid 90’s no less and about 20 years too late to cash in on hockey’s fighting era. Not to mention that he had the lamest finisher of all time: getting his opponent outside the ring and “boarding” him into the ring steps to win by count out.

Lazertron-C’mon, how can you leave this one out? Just another Hector Guerrero bad gimmick.

“King” Harley Race-Not the man, mind you. Just the gimmick. Taking probably arguably one of the best champions of all time and sticking him with this idiotic gimmick and never giving him a legit run at the title.

The New Breed-A tag team in the early 80’s who claimed to be from 2003. Funny, 2003 came and went and no New Breed.

Beaver Cleavage-Ugh.

And pretty much any mid-90’s gimmicks from the WWF like Big Bully Busick, TL Hopper, Duke Droese, Barry “Hole-In-One” Darsaw, Xanta Clause…this list is almost endless…Dean Douglas…OMG. Anyway, Just saying that the bad list is just as arguable as the good list. Good job anyway. And, man, does Vince have pictures of Steve Lombardi to make him do a gimmick as Knuckleball Scwartz?

Keep up the good work.

Steve has some very excellent crap here. I particularly want to vomit when remembering such gimmicks like Duke Droese, Dean Douglas, and Lazertron. I don’t remember The New Breed but it sounds like crap. All gimmicks dealing with the future suck because there will never be flying cars or robotic hookers. I’m still crossing my fingers for those robotic hookers, though.

Jobez reminds me of a forgotten opener that was all goodness. ALERT O’DOG:

Hi Julian,
I have a good honorable mention for you. Not sure if you remember No Way Out 2003 but the opener of that show was an absolutely kickass match between Jeff Hardy and Chris Jericho. They went at it for nearly 13 minutes and both guys definitely had had their wrestling boots on. What shocked everyone was how great Jeff looked in this match. While Jericho may be (rightfully) credited for pacing this match and keeping it together, Hardy more than held up his own end of the bargain and went hold for hold, counter for counter with Jericho. This was during the time when the IWC was down on Hardy for being sloppy and looking unmotivated in his matches and ultimately, he was released not too long after this. However, Jeff seemed to do a 180 degree turn for one night and the result was his greatest match that didn’t involve tables, ladders, chairs, or cages. Just an awesome opener.
Take care

This was a damn good match and that’s why I was shocked when Jeff was released shortly thereafter. But like Jobez said, Jeff was on his game for this night, but then he shortly thereafter reverted back to his old ways and he had to be shown the door to get his shit straight. This was still a damn good match that any fan of Jericho or Hardy should try to find as it was 15 minutes of pure entertainment.

And finally, we’ve got Dusty who corrects an error of mine as well as mentions another great opener:

Hey Julian,

Really good list that I enjoyed reading but there are a couple things I think you missed. First was the Southern Boys vs. Midnight Express from Great American Bash 91′ which is one of the best tag matches i’ve ever seen as well as one of the best opening matches. The second was a small error on your part. The Liger/Pillman match wasn’t to decide the first light-heavyweight champion. That was Ricky Morton vs. Brian Pillman from Halloween Havoc 91 which isn’t even on the commercial release of the PPV. Anyway the story is Liger beat Pillman at a house show? on Christmas Eve to win the belt in a match that is said to be even better then the Superbrawl match. Superbrawl was the re-match where Pillman wins the belt back. Anyway great column and keep it up.

Dusty

The Southern Boys/Midnight Express match is actually from the 1990 Great American Bash and it is definitely one of the best openers ever. It’s definitely my fault for forgetting about it, it’s often referred to as the best Midnight Express match ever and that is certainly HIGH praise considering the amount of great matches the Midnight Express had. I thought I screwed up with calling the Liger/Pillman match the first one for the Light Heavyweight Title. I think it’s because I try to forget how horrible the REAL match for the first Light Heavyweight Title between Ricky Morton and Pillman was. Can’t blame Pillman for that one, though. Morton was always better in a tag team than solo.

That’s all for the emails this week people. Thanks to all you guys that took the time out to write me, I truly appreciate it and if I haven’t responded to you yet, I will soon. Be sure to keep sending in all your feedback and general thoughts whether it be about the column or anything else you want to bitch about. Let’s get into this week’s list.

The Top Ten Royal Rumble Matches

Honorable Mention: The Rockers vs. The Orient Express (1991)
This match kicked off the 1991 edition of The Royal Rumble and it immediately got the crowd into the event by providing some high flying action. The Rockers dominated early until the OE took over and Shawn played the face in peril. Shawn eventually got the hot tag to Jannetty and the crowd absolutely exploded. Seriously, the pop Jannetty got when he got that hot tag was deafening. The end came when the Orients went for the catapult karate chop, but HBK broke that up which enabled Jannetty to get a sunset flip on Tanaka for the 3 count. This match was absolute balls to the wall action and demonstrated why The Rockers were so insanely popular at the time.

Honorable Mention: Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon (1993)
I remember this match being the match that made me turn into a huge Bret Hart mark because of the way he absolutely dissected Razor’s leg, I thought that was immensely cool because I had never seen psychology in a wrestling match like that before. I also remember Razor throwing his toothpick at a kid at ringside after Bret gave him his sunglasses and thinking that even though Razor was a heel, he was pretty damn cool. I think that was the first time I cheered for anything a heel did. Anyhow, this match was brilliant. Bret spent the majority of the match focusing on Razor’s leg, but Razor would fight back and nearly put the Hitman away a couple times. The match ended after Bret reversed a Razor’s Edge attempt into a backslide and once Razor kicked out of that, he applied the Sharpshooter for the submission. This match made me a huge fan of both men and is proof that when Scott Hall was sober, he was one of the best in the business.

Honorable Mention: The Rock vs. Mankind (1999)
This match is one that is very hard to watch, but you can’t help but look because of the sheer insanity of it. Mick Foley proved in this match why he is regarded as one of the craziest son-of-a-bitches to ever step foot in a wrestling ring. This match has gained an infamous reputation due to its inclusion on the “Between The Ropes” documentary as well as the knowledge that Mick’s family was ringside while he absorbed all this punishment. The match included Mankind getting knocked off a ledge in the crowd onto an electrical unit that caused sparks to fly everywhere, a people’s elbow to Mankind’s face with a chair on top of it, and at least 10 unprotected shots to Mick’s face with a chair. Absolutely brutal shit that is now the stuff of legend and is quite difficult to watch knowing the toll it took on Mick’s body and career.

Honorable Mention: Bret & Owen Hart vs. The Quebecers (1994)
This match is mainly remembered for being the one where Owen finally snapped and turned on Bret, but it was also a damn good tag match before the post-match actions took place. The Quebecers worked over Bret’s knee for the majority of the match with Owen on the apron begging for the hot tag. Bret avoided a double team move and finally had the opportunity to tag in Owen, but instead of doing that, he opted to apply the Sharpshooter to the fallen Pierre. His knee was in such bad shape, though, that it completely gave out on him and made him crumble to the mat which made the ref call for the bell and award the match to the Quebecers. Owen was absolutely pissed that Bret tried to pick up the win rather than tag him in, so once Bret was finally able to stand up, Owen kicked his leg out from under him and turned full blown heel, much to the crowd’s displeasure. This was a great match that combined superior in-ring action with a top-notch storyline and brought it all together in one enjoyable package.

Honorable Mention: Shawn Michaels vs. The Undertaker (1998)
This match is mainly remembered for being the one that caused Michaels to miss four years of action due to a back injury he sustained in it, but what is amazing is the fact that he sustained that injury fairly early in the match and was still able to put on a damn good match. This match was a casket match and it featured some absolutely brutal action which included ‘Taker getting a piledriver on steel steps, ‘Taker taking a wicked shot to his knees on the steel steps, and HBK getting backdropped onto the casket which would turn out being the move that made him retire for four years. The match ended when Kane, seemingly out to help his brother, turned on The Undertaker and chokeslammed him into the casket which allowed Michaels to pick up the win. This match featured remarkable action that was even more impressive considering that Michael’s had a severely damaged back for the majority of it.

10) Bret Hart vs. The Undertaker (1996)
Bret Hart and The Undertaker always had great chemistry together and this was another prime example of that as this match at the 1996 edition of The Royal Rumble was an instant classic. Bret came into this match as the WWE Champion and ‘Taker was trying to dethrone him, despite wearing a face mask due to having his face crushed by Yokozuna in the previous month. Bret did what he did best in this match and that was exploit a body part on his opponent, in this case The Undertaker’s knee, and work on in mercilessly. Undertaker sold the beatdown to his knee beautifully as he limped all around the ring and even failed to hit a Tombstone on Bret due to his knee being in such bad shape. The match ended when ‘Taker finally was able to hit the Tombstone, but Diesal came and pulled out the referee which caused a DQ. This was just a fantastic match that fans of matches with psychology attached to them would love.

9) Bret Hart vs. Diesel (1995)
This was a match for Diesel’s WWE Championship and it was proof positive that Bret Hart could pull out a classic match with virtually anybody. Well, to be fair, Nash could work a decent match during his original WWE run as he had some damn good matches with the likes of HBK, Hart and ‘Taker. Anyway, back to this match. This match originally was contested under normal rules under Shawn Michaels came out to stomp on Diesel’s already injured knee with cause referee Earl Hebner to make the match No DQ to endure there a winner. The match showed both men working on a body part as Bret worked over Diesel’s knees and Diesel worked on Bret’s ribs which he had injured earlier in the match after getting slammed into the ring post. The match also featured Owen Hart interfere and throw Bret sternum first into an exposed turnbuckle, which further damaged Bret’s already hurt ribs. The two men went back and forth until Bret caught Diesel in a small package, but Diesel was able to kick out and a ref bump occurred. This brought out various enemies of both competitors including HBK, Owen Hart, Jeff Jarrett and Bob Backlund which made the ref finally throw out the match seeing that there was no way the match could have a clean finish with these guys interfering all the time. It’s a true testimony to how good this match was that it could have so many run-ins and have a screwy ending, but still leave such a positive lasting impression on me as well as many other fans that I know.

8) Chris Jericho vs. The Rock (2002)
This is a match that I feel is unjustly overlooked when people talk about some of the best matches ever at The Royal Rumble. Jericho had won the Undisputed Championship the prior month at Vengeance and The Rock was poised to dethrone Jericho of his title. This match featured some absolutely awesome action and Jericho hung in tough with The Rock, making him seem like a true main eventer. Everytime that it seemed that The Rock might pull off the win, Jericho would reach in his bag of trickeration to stay alive. The ending to this match is one of my favorite ever as Jericho used not one, not two, but THREE illegal maneuvers to pick up the W. First he gave The Rock a low blow, then threw him into an exposed turnbuckle and then rolled Rocky up with his feet on the rope. THREE TIMES THE HEELERY!! I felt this match made Jericho seem like a big time heel capable of using his cheating ways to outsmart his opponents ala Ric Flair & HHH, but alas Jericho would be promptly bitched out at Wrestlemania 18 and would never get another chance to run with the big belt. Shame I say, he was a damn good champ.

7) The Dudley Boyz vs. The Hardy Boyz (2000)
This match was a pre-cursor to all the TLC matches that would follow between these two teams as well as Edge & Christian and I think this match can stand next to any of those matches and fair pretty well. The amount of insane shit these guys pulled out during this match had never been seen by a WWE audience and it was the match that really made these two teams become insanely popular in the ‘E. Some of the insanity in this match included Matt getting powerbombed from the top turnbuckle through a table propped up on ring steps, Bubba getting driven through a table by a Matt legdrop off a ladder as well as a Jeff splash off the top rope, Bubba getting knocked off an entranceway through a stack of tables, and Jeff doing a swanton off said entranceway through D-Von who was propped up on a table. Absolutely awesome stuff that holds up very well to this day and can be compared to any of the TLC wars that we’ve all seen.

6) The 2001 Royal Rumble Match
This was the rumble match that featured Stone Cold making his march towards reclaiming the WWE Championship after being out for a year due to a neck injury. This rumble also featured Drew Carey making a brief cameo before shitting himself due to an encounter with Kane and promptly eliminating himself as well as a brief appearance by The Honky Tonk Man until Kane killed him dead and disposed of him. Kane also lasted very long in this rumble after entering at #6 and making it to the final two along with Austin. Kane was an absolute monster in this rumble and it took Austin delivering a stunner as well as a bunch of chairshots to finally eliminate the Big Red Machine. They also hinted in this match of the future Wrestlemania 17 main event as Austin and Rock would face off for a brief period which the crowd absolutely went wild for. Just a fantastic rumble match all around.

5) Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho (2001)
This match is also from the 2001 edition of The Royal Rumble and it was one of the better ladder matches that you’ll ever see. This match featured some of the best action I’ve ever seen in a ladder match as everytime you thought that one man finally had the match won, they would get knocked down. Some of the awesome action in this match included Jericho applying The Walls Of Jericho on the TOP of the ladder, Jericho seesawing the ladder in Benoit’s face, and Benoit taking an absolutely SICKALICIOUS bump by taking a chairshot to the face while in midair after diving through the ropes. Jericho picked up the win, but in a match this good, it really didn’t matter who the winner was. A great effort by both men that stands as one of the greatest ladder matches ever.

4) The 1992 Royal Rumble Match
Yup, this is the one. The one where Flair entered at #3 and went the distance to pick up his first WWE Championship. This match would have already been automatically memorable for being the only one that decided a new WWE Champion, but the fact that Flair put in such an incredible performance makes it even more memorable. One of the things that greatly added to this match was Bobby Heenan on commentary who absolutely freaked out when seeing how early Flair entered the Rumble and thinking it was then impossible for Flair to win the match. Flair then amazed the commentary team and the crowd by going the distance and making the Final Four (which incidentally was probably the best Final Four ever with Flair, Hogan, Sid and Savage). Flair then won the match after Sid eliminated Hogan and Hogan, being the poster boy for sportsmanship, held onto Sid’s hand which allowed Flair to dump Sid and pick up the title. Flair set a new record at the time by lasting in the Rumble for over an hour and became instantly credible to all WWE fans. A picture perfect Royal Rumble.

3) The 2004 Royal Rumble Match
Many people call the ’92 Rumble the best one ever, but for my money, the 2004 edition of the rumble is hands down the best ever. It intertwined so many different storylines into one completely satisfying experience. You had Kane, who thought he had finally killed off his brother, encounter the Deadman on the TitanTron and ultimately proceed to freak out. You had Mick Foley make his return after being absent for months to eliminate Randy Orton and set up their feud. You had Brock Lesnar interfere in the match to F5 Goldberg and set up their Wrestlemania match. And of course you had Chris Benoit, who entered at #1, win the rumble by eliminating The Mother Fucking Big Show! I’ve never seen a rumble that was rewarding on as many levels as this one. Everything just clicked and it remains my favorite rumble ever and I doubt I’ll ever see another rumble that can surpass this one in terms of the sheer excitement I felt watching it.

2) Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle (2003)
If you love technical wrestling, this may well be one of your favorite matches ever and I know many people who consider this the greatest pure wrestling match of all time. These two men went out and gave the Boston fans as well as the fans at home a match for the ages that people still talk about constantly to this day. Trying to even recap this match would be impossible because there’s so many awesome moves and counters that take place during in, that I would have to literally recap the entire match to do it justice. I must say that I do love that spot where they kept switching germans and Benoit germans Kurt completely over onto his face. Absolutely awesome. Anyhow, this match is an absolute classic that is required viewing for any wrestling fan.

1) Cactus Jack vs. HHH (2000)
I fucking LOVE this match. It’s one of my five favorite matches ever so I have an obvious bias towards it, but I don’t think anyone can deny that this is one of the best matches in both of these guys career’s and that’s saying a lot considering the illustrious careers The Game and Foley have had. This match was absolutely brutal and featured some of the most cringe-inducing action I’ve ever watched. Whether it was HHH getting absolutely SMACKED in the face with a 2×4 wrapped in barbed wire or Foley piledriving HHH on the announce table that wouldn’t budge or Cactus taking a Pedigree and landing face first in tacks, this is one of the most violent matches you’ll ever see. This is the match that really cemented HHH as a main eventer because after he beat Mick Foley clean at his own game, the fans had to take notice and realize that The Game was indeed the real deal. This match is an unforgettable classic that will be talked about for generations.

Drive-By Pimpin’

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The Sign-Off

That’s all for this week my pretties. Join me next week when the topic will be The Top Ten Triple H Matches. Ohh stop with the damn hate mail already, I haven’t even wrote the column yet.