Truth B Told 2.08.06: EC-Dub-ate
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 02.08.2007
ECW is becoming the greasy infected pimple on the butt of wrestling, is it time to squeeze that sucker? Speaking of that, my first “Celebrity” feud. Great segue, no?
ECW sucks ass. Not even in a good way, like that, time in college when that girl you were dating Junior year got really drunk and you told her that everybody "rims" in college and you wouldn't tell her friends and you'd totally get her a breakfast burrito when you woke up, but you snuck out anyways and told all your buddies the next day. Cuz' you were going to dump her for that chick in your Microeconomics class anyways. Yeah, that was cool. But ECW is nothing like that. Not even the ‘promise'of a breakfast burrito. ECW is being booked on a weekly basis like a continual "RAW Roulette". No one knows who is going to be feuding with who or why next. It seems that they finally figured out a running storyline with the Originals vs the New Breed, but I think we all know how that is going to end up.
The real question we have to ask ourselves is whether or not ECW should continue and not whether it WILL continue. Really there are only two entities that will decide whether it will or not, the Sci-Fi Channel and Vince McMahon. The Sci-Fi channel may decide that due to the disappointing ratings it is not worth keeping ECW around after the first of this year. Because the show started in the high 2.0's and are in the mid 1.0's it looks like the show has lost at least 1/3 of it's audience. Now to be fair, a 1.4 or 1.5, which I believe has been around the average lately, is still pretty good for Sci-Fi in that time slot so even a disappointment like losing the audience still means better ratings than they've had. Plus they are still reaping the benefits of the ad revenue so I doubt they'd cut ties so soon. I would assume they would keep it around for at LEAST one more year, by that time, ratings could dip far enough towards the 1.0 -0.8 range that it might not be worth keeping around.
Vince McMahon has had some odd motivations for doing what he has been doing to ECW lately. One would think he used the re-launch as a way to capitalize on the nostalgia of the brand, then curiously enough he basically buried the entire roster of the originals and drove away all but a few of the ECW old fan base. He's put Bobby Lashley, who may still be a future "Main Event" wrestler, on the brand and made him a champion, but he's also banished a lot of RAW and Smackdown rejects to the brand. Now it looks like he's taking Dusty Rhodes, who has been credited along with Michael Hayes as turning around Smackdown, and put him in ECW.
The rumors are that Vince is giving ECW just enough rope to hang itself, so either it is going to sink or swim on it's own now. Vince isn't making the kind of money with ECW as with other brands mainly because the merchandise/PPV sales aren't there. Plus, no one is buying inter-brand PPV's based on ECW's involvement. That makes it conceivable that Vince could be giving ECW the poison pill soon. Then again, why would Vince show up on a show unless he wanted to try to spike the ratings, right? Problem is, he showed up just to kill off the "originals", casting his lot in with the likes of: Marcus Cor Von, Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorn, and Matt Striker. Yeah, THOSE guys are going to turn the brand around. Well at least they brought back Snitsky right? Cuz' clearly his comedy face turn was received so well that shaving him and making him heel will work like gang busters right? Right?
This is a real "make it or break it" time in ECW and right now it looks like they are gearing up to give ECW a shot to "shine" for a bit, well at least as far as it would be considered for the "C" show. It may not seem like it but for the first time it seems like ECW has some kind of direction with their booking. Well as far as the undercard goes. They also seem to be building up Lashley as a monster. Right now they have the opportunity to really make an impact. I'm basing this on a roster that has a few "diamonds in the rough". No, not Elix and David Young, I'm talking about CM Punk, Rob Van Dam, Marcus Corvon, Elijah Burke, Matt Striker, and Bobby Lashley. Those guys are a solid enough core to work around. Throw in a few other potentially decent mid-carders and you got yourself a decent enough roster for an hour long show. Right now it looks like most of the Originals are on the way out, so getting over the new guys may be ECW's best bet. Face it, it ain't going to make a damn bit of difference if Dreamer, Balls, Sandman, and Sabu are gone from the roster. The guys who were watching ECW mainly for those wrestlers are already long gone. RVD is really the guy you can't afford to lose, but it seems like a foregone conclusion already. So what do you do? You put over someone strong in a "Loser Leaves ECW" match. that someone SHOULD be Punk, but it looks like it won't. So I guess it will either be Monty, I mean Marcus or Burke. At this point, you have to go with Corvon, at the very least it gives the impression that the "e" will push new wrestlers they recruit or jump ship. Right now when you look at the Matt Hardy's or CM Punks who chose WWE to TNA you don't see much more than a steady job and a steady..."job".
I think ECW could be built up in a way to rival TNA and WSX in terms of work rate and athleticism. Right now you've got alot of guys in the developmental system that could benefit from the exposure and could get over in a situation where they are "technically" brought up into the big leagues, but without the added pressure of being on one of the big shows. ECW being the "C" show also gives them more freedom to try out new things. See how Marcus Corvon and Elijah Burke do better you move them to a new brand. Would Lashley be a legit champ in any other brand? Probably not, but in ECW he's completely credible. The blessing and curse of ECW is that the roster can share the same backstage mentors/teachers/trainers as Smackdown, but they also share the same pen chance for egos. Right now RVD and CM Punk's "reported" attitudes are hurt their careers as much as ECW because THAT is a shoot/work feud that could sell from arguably the two guys who are most "over" with the fans. If CM Punk falls in line he could become THE guy in ECW, especially if he gets an "Ace" to back him up and in another few months a real dark "Horse" clears up his commitments. He could get a real second (city) chance at redemption.
What Vince potentially has is a real Quadruple A team in ECW. They talk about it all the time in baseball, how a prospect is too good for the minors, but not "Major League Ready" yet. Well that could be ECW. A chance for guys to get the experience of working in front of a big crowd and on TV against some seasoned veterans. It also gives Vince an almost "Banishment Island" type of alternative to just taking guys off TV or releasing them. Sure the argument is that fans don't want to watch a show that is for "Greenhorns and Rejects", but they are right now anyways aren't they? The typical WWE fan will watch whatever Vince puts out, no matter how bad it is. So what's wrong with acknowledging ECW as the "red headed stepchild" and actually benefiting from it? Think how quickly guys like Orton, or Kenny, or Nitro would shape up if they knew moving to ECW for an undisclosed amount of time would be in the cards for them? At this point, trying to masquerade ECW as an "equal" of the other two brands is just as insulting to the fans as telling them to their face they'll be tuning into Sci-Fi to see a "work in progress".
The Truth
ECW is a dead brand. At least the idea that it would be anything like the old ECW. It also isn't working out as a 3rd brand. So why not tinker with it a bit and use it for what something positive, a training ground and "time out" for new rookies and the attitude challenged? Right now it looks like Sci-Fi will probably pick up the 2nd year of the contract (wait, have they already done that?) so unless ratings are cut in half plan on seeing more Holly and Test classic matches. I say go ahead and kill off the originals, but you might not want to throw the baby out with the bath water. Guys like RVD and even Nunzio, and perhaps Sabu can still be useful. So long as they know their place and are utilized well enough, but face it. ECW is dead…long live WWECW.
Coming Up Short
For those who don't care about Indy wrestling, never been to an Indy show, or just came here for the hot Asian ass…feel free to scroll down. For anyone who has ever been to a poorly run Indy show, stick around a bit, take your shoes off, can I get you a Dr. Pepper?
I went to Next Generation Wrestling last weekend. It's a small Indy show in El Monte outside of LA. *Now let me preface this by saying I really enjoyed the ‘wrestling aspect' of the show and the workers really work their asses off to put on a good performance for the crowd to get into* This is the 2nd show. Last show it started an hour and a half late. This time it only started an hour late, but ended up with 2 random delays due to "technical difficulties". Not only that, but they changed from one random "authority figure" to another one who looks like a short Ruben Studdard, that is just ‘Sorry for 2007'. On top of that…one of the referees wears jeans and the ring announcer has on like plaid coolots. The hell is up with that? He's horrible too. I've kind of decided that while I love Indy wrestling, maybe toooooo much Indy wrestling is a bad thing. Especially when like 10 guys get together and try to finance a little ‘fed' when they aren't able to get their stuff together. So while it's great to see new and different things pop up every once in a while and people taking risks by trying to put on a show the audience will enjoy. I would love to hear from a real promoter out there about the kind of stuff they go through putting on a show. Yeah, I know it ain't easy and things are sometimes out of your control, but it seems like for some feds, a little preparation can go along way.
I only ask 4 things of you aspiring Indy promoters: 1) Give me good wrestlers AND good wrestling, 2) Try to start on time and get your shit together and matches worked out prior to 15 minutes before ‘Bell Time' was supposed to happen, 3) Make sure your referees wear black slacks…I don't need "Boot Cut" Johnson out there trying to have a gimmick, and 4) Ring announcers should be clear, they should be concise, they should be professional, and they should also have pant legs. Period. No room for discussion on this. Coolots, board shorts, Sh-ants….none of that shit. Pants. Then hopefully your Indy fed, like your ring announcer, won't be coming up shorts. I mean short.
6 Degrees of…
Apparently Doug Csikos thinks he's too good for 6DO now that he won last week. He didn't even bother to claim his prize. Man, love ‘em and leave ‘em, and I think Doug and 6DO would be together forever. Oh well. In the news lately has been the crazy female astronaut who drove 900 miles in a diaper to take out a romantic rival over another fellow astronaut space captain. Too bad the crazy bitch was already married with kids. Yikes, well going from one crazy masked stalker bitch to another is no problem for TBT…
Okay, "stalker", "ninja", same difference right? Or did you miss those 3 weeks that she came back to help Raven retain the all important Hardcore title on Sunday Night Heat? Well anyways, we got an astroNUT case and a DXer turned Ninja, turned Yoga instructor (really she is), go get to it guys!!
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
Say hello to my little friend…Tony Montana writes in about a missed brush with GREATNESS:
First off, Im an avid reader of TBT.
With numerous porn references, perverted innuendos, and blatant distaste for Amy Dumas whats not to love right.
From a writing standpoint, your style seems to flow so effortlessly that it never seems too long and is always entertaining, even when the content is not something Im usually into or have taken the time to get into (i.e. Indy shows and what not).
While I consider myself a fan of wrestling, and have done so for a long time, I do know there is more out there.
at any rate I do have a reason for writing. I was reading the most recent edition of TBT regarding WSX and although I have yet to see said show something you said boasted the necessity to introduce myself.
You told your audience that you viewed the Royal Rumble at a sorts bar in Buena Park, CA and saw numerous men with breasts. After reading that I felt the need to concur with your observation. I was also there. I live in So Cal and by reading your columns I know you do to but to know that you were in the same room watchin Royal Rumble that I was was a bit refreshing. not in a homoerotic sort of way but simply a wrestling fan sort of way. with wrestling fans being a dying breed, you are the voice (sometimes) of the masses and it was nice to know you were there.
without venturing into an area of wow Bayani watched the Rumble with me (cuz youre not that special) I find all of this interesting cuz I took a friend and his cousin with me and found myself not being able to talk to them about anything. then I look to the rambunxious table in the corner and say to myself i bet the conversation over there would be much more appealing.
The athmosphere and knowledge that true fans hold is always better than that of a guy who says he didn't even hit him! Tony why do you watch this crap?
I watch it cuz its entertained me for years.
At any rate it was nice watchin the Rumble with you and maybe I shall see you in Buena Park for the next PPV and maybe (hopefully) I could sit amongst the cynical.
-Tony
First off Tony, I actually AM that special. No, not "Eugene" special. But special none the less. Chances are that "rambunctious" table you saw in the corner was part of the crew I came with. If they were singing "John Cena Sucks" in time to his entrance music it most certainly was. I actually enjoyed the setting as it was cool to watch the PPV with so many fans who had so many polarized opinions on who to ‘boo' and cheer. Except for those who ‘booed' my homie Batista. Can't stand to see the (half) brown man rise up can you? Haters. Watching a Sport/show/performance/what have you that you love with other fans who truly appreciate it and get the back ground and history of it is always that much more enjoyable as long as they aren't obnoxious about it. Hence why a lot of Indy shows are so fun, while their message boards are straight up ass. Anyways it was funny how quiet most of the crowd was though as not to distract or take away from others viewing the PPV. Luckily the sound crew pumped up the speakers loud enough for not only everyone to hear, but go permanently sterile as well. Then again…should wrestling fans even breed in the first place? I'll leave that question up to the theologians. You definitely won't see me there for "No Mercy" but at $8 a pop, I might not be able to keep myself away for a WM23 appearance. So if you see me cutting in line (cuz' no way am I waiting an hour at the door to get in) just keep it on the DL.
Yeah, I didn't believe it either at first but apparently someone was a little offended at a joke I made in last week's column…it was none other than …Andy Milonakis??
Wow super ignorant.....Shows that bomb into oblivion after a couple of weeks? We're currently shooting season 3, what should I do with these checks? Are they going to bounce? After a full season being #1 on EW's must list and a full article in Rolling Stone.......boy you don't research a damn thing, huh. All good, see you at the bottom.
Since I'm so hurting right now or something.
Now at first I wasn't sure if this was the real guy or someone that made up an account just to "rib" me or an imposture. Funny thing about "being on the air", you know, "Making the Band" is still around too, but I got noooo fuckin' clue who's on that show. Just cuz' a show is around, doesn't make it ‘relevant'. Hell, I even saw parts of a few shows during the first episodes, but seriously, who the talks about Andy Milonakis show now a day? I think it's gone from "you gotta check this kid out" to "oh shit, that's still on?" Either way, at least I wiki'ed him to get the right spelling of his name so I consider my research DONE. *And let's not even talk about the validity of Wikipedia as a credible source, Wiki not only knows how often you masturbate it also knows which episode of "Gilmore Girls" you do it to most frequently* It even mentioned that the first season was on MTV, 2nd season on MTV2, and 3rd season was thought cancelled. Cuz' there isn't such thing as MTV3. Oh and I ain't sure how much money you're clockin' off the royalties, but hey, good for you buddy, making a dollar do something you love, that's the American dream. That and a threesome with twins. Yeah, Japanese ones.
But of course I couldn't let it stop at that so of course I had to respond in kind in my own, TBT-ish way. I won't bore you with the details but it was along the lines of "I don't really believe this is Milonakis, but if it is… I don't like your show… good deal you made some cash, but face it, it ain't the hotness it might have been a few years ago, accept it and do whatcha do…". Well, in a smarkier more TBT-ish way of course. But here's what he said.
I would like to address everything in your email but wow, it's long....and the points that you make are so hidden amongst all your self fellating, you seem to really be in love with your words. Anyway.....Season 2's new eps aired on MTV2 and every ep of the
season replayed on regular MTV two days later....Also it's on MTV all over the world......It's just pretty lame when people write flat out lies to try to sound funny on weblogs, it's like the fucking Shock Jock radio DJ mentality, putting things down is fine but don't twist facts just to suite your stupid disses........Yes, we have a season 3 because the show, and we do amazing numbers on itunes and comcast on demand.......I don't know why I feel the need to defend myself but once in awhile when I read someone who posts complete bullshit, I feel like it's worth it to defend it....but it's clearly not........also, about the hookers that refuse to blow me, can you help me out with that department? I figure you know, being an internet blogger you get a lot of hot chicks
Man, self-fellating would be awesome. I gotta figure out which rib I gotta have taken out to get in on that action. To be honest, I haven't seen the show on MTV or advertised anywhere. I don't want to presume to speak for everyone around the world, but if people are still watching it, it's more of a "guilty pleasure" than a "must see" now a days, which is cool. One of my guilty pleasures…attempting to find the yoga position that allows me to self fellate. As far as "writing flat out lies", it was satire…it was an exaggeration… kind of like wearing a pancake on your face and yelling at old people. And is right, you shouldn't have to defend yourself for doing something you love doing and getting paid for it…in some amount of money, no clue how much, but hey, I write here for free…in my spare time…he is one up on me.
But am I really the 411 "Shock Jock" of the wrestling zone? Perhaps, but I also think I bring a good bit of knowledge, insight and… semi porn to the zone. Mostly "shock" though… and them Asian bitches. That also explains why I don't research each and every obscure reference I make as a joke. I don't write to ensure my "journalistic integrity" remains in tact by keeping things 100% factual, I do it to entertain and keep things light so everyone doesn't blow a gasket over Vince burying this person and Russo messing up that storyline. Plus, I happen to have pulled some pretty nice ‘trim' in my day, especially for an "Internet Blogger". Also, I think I might enjoy the term "Internet Blogger" *tsk tsk Andy, where is YOUR research?* more than Internet Wrestling Columnist Demi-God. Then again if I was merely a "blogger" I'd have 7 times more posts on the internet and my page would have AFI or My Chemical Romance as the background music. What? Black Parade was a decent album. Damn shit like this almost makes me miss Steve Cook. Almost. Well it doesn't end there as I figure it's pointless to trade barbs with a guy who has dined with kings, queens, and probably Kurt Loder…so I sent a rebuttal in a more toned down manner…and low and behold what I got back:
that email wasn't as bad.....you must like to talk....yeah my show is really fucking stupid, that's the point......just like wrestling is the lowest form of entertainment, can we agree? Maybe not....I'm not going to get into a cursing match with you, unless you want to because I have some really good zingers using the word "fuck" and or "cunt".......
Of course I can take criticism, I had the guy who wrote the worst review of my show ever do a commentary track on my DVD.....bashing it for a full 22 minutes......If that's not self deprecating I don't know what is.......Your stupid post pissed me off because it was so
wrong and ignorant.....Believe me if you had a whole column about why my show sucked, you wouldn't be privy to my genius attack email........It was just a dickhead comment that was untrue for the sake of laughter, and oh boy, I'm sure you got amazing laughter from that super creative blow job joke......I laughed the laugh of ages and then some........OK, enough time wasted......I'm not one of those internet losers that likes to just spew bile at another person, your post was gay and wrong so I sent you an email making a case for myself........I'm done though, carry on. One of my fans sent me a
link to your website, yes, I still have fans for the 3 days that my show was on the air..... I think it's funny that it was on a wrestling site because I truly hate wrestling more than
anything.......I mean, I know spreading peanut butter on my face is pointless but fuck...wrestling....wowwww.....
love
Andy
I'll say this much to start off, Milonakis suffers from a congenital growth hormone problem and he turned that into a positive. No joke, I have to respect a person for battling adversity and turning something that might have lead to a very hard life into something positive and an outlet for something life affirming. That's probably very inspiration to a lot of people suffering the same problem. So props to him on that, it's got to be hard to make it in a business with that kind of built in obstacle already. It would be like if I wrote this column and I was blind…or Jeff Small. But, fact remains. I didn't like his show when it was on MTV UNO… maybe the 3rd season is bomb as hell, but hey, I don't get MTV Tres. Still, it's just one man's opinion. I'm sure someone else will write in to defend his show next week…. I'll just sit here and wait for the deluge of responses.
That being said, I'm actually going to say that my column is just a BIT more intellectual that ‘T.A.M.S', based on me never having peanut butter on my face. Genital, yes. But what I do in the privacy of my own Amsterdam hotel with two 16 year old hookers is my business and my business *and a small film distribution company's* alone. I actually find it funny that he looks at wrestling as lower entertainment than his own. Eh, it's probably down there pretty far. But really, it's like the pot calling Ron Killings Black. I actually enjoy the curse words: Ass Monkey, Dick hole, and ‘you shit fuck'. All goodies. As far as "wrong and ignorant", like I said, it's a joke, it wasn't meant to be 100% factual, just funny, or at least entertaining, or at least enough for someone to say "oh shit, that's right, that little chubby kid…that wasn't a kid, I remember that guy". That hooker part was just the syrup on the pancake. Besides…Fat Hooker Jokes = Ratings. It's a proven fact, like the Pythagorean Theorem. So yeah, that's it. I was hoping for K-Fed or Lita to finally write in one day, but no, I got Andy Milonakis.
So in summation: a) I respect Andy for overcoming an affliction (not sure "disability" is the right term) in order to make something of himself, b) I thought his show was shitty, c) If you are a big TAMS fan he has a 3rd season coming out, c) There is no Mtv3 so it may show up on iTunes or Mtv 2 or in Andy's apartment every Sunday Night, d) Andy thinks he pulls hotter chicks than me, e) I'm apparently a big gay, stupid, blogger, who doesn't check his facts, f) I'm a columnist who could give a shit about fact checking shows I don't watch, g) Andy Milonakis does not get turned down by fat hookers, h) Meaning he should give Tammy Sytch a call, i) No, even Andy could do better than Tammy, j) Actually, maybe he can't, k) Andy thinks his show is a higher form of entertainment than wrestling, l) Pancake face > Extreme Expose, m) Wrestling > everything else on TAMS, n) TAMS like wrestling is not to be taken seriously what so ever, o) I respect Milonakis for sticking to his guns and keeping up a line of communication which is more logical than I would have thought possible considering his show, p) The chances of Andy reading this column this week just to see if he appears is pretty damn high, q) RVD is probably somewhere pretty damn high, r) I will never give up the fat hooker jokes, s) I now officially hate pancakes, t) I still think the show is shitty.
XOXO,
tbt
6 Degrees Results
#3
Greg Pryor is back in full force. I hate to break it to him, but Greg, buddy, a full degree isn't linking a guy to himself in a different character/pseudo-name/gimmick. I'm sure next time you'll do a bang up job though:
Considering I had absolutely no clue who either man was on this weeks 6DO I
think I did pretty damn well. I want that number 1 spot again!! Try to name
the people QUITE CLEARLY, so us brits who never watched love boat are still
in with a chance...because the way it is there was more chance of an ECW non
Vince invented guy winning the Royal Rumble!!
1)Don Crisis was also known as D-Ray 3000
2)Another 3000 was Bran Van 3000 who released the song drinking in LA
3)LA is the setting for the film Boyz in the Hood starring Laurence Fishburne
4)Laurence fishburne played Othello in the film of the same name
5)This was not the only version of the film made there was another 6 years
earlier
6)This version was directed by Ted Lange aka Issac from love boat
1)The D-Ray part of D-Ray 3000, is a mixture of D-Von and Bubba Ray the
Dudley Boyz
2)The Dudley Boyz fought in the triangle ladder match at Wrestlemania which
also featured Edge and Christian
3)Edge and Christian featured in another wrestlemania match with ladders…the
money in the bank ladder match in 2005 when wrestlemania goes Hollywood
4)Hollywood was the setting for the TV show the fall guy
5)The fall guy featured Ted Lange playing a bartender…but not for the first time
6)In Love Boat he also played a bar tender named issac.
1)Ted Lange starred in Love Boat
2)A film about Love on a boat was Titanic
3)Which starred Kate Winslet
4)Kate Winslet starred in The Life of David Gale with Kevin Spacey
5)Kevin Spaceys character in American Beauty went through a mid life crisis
6)Another type of crisis is ex TNA wrestler Don Crisis
1)Issac in Love Boat was played by Ted Lange
2)Jessica Lange starred in Cape Fear which featured DeNiro as Max Cady
3)This type of character was portrayed in wwf by Dan Spivey as Waylon Mercy
4)No Mercy 2000 opened up with a table elimination match
5)Too Cool were the second team eliminated Scotty 2 Hotty and Brian Christopher
6)On September 18th 2004 Brian Christopher defeated Dray 3000 at Twin Wrestling entertainment.
1) DRay 3000 has also been known as Don Crisis
2) A very famous crisis was the cuban misile crisis
3) Another cuban is fidel castro who no-one can seem to kill/finish off
4) A bit like the Undertaker...an undertaker is somebody who works in the
public sector
5) As is a bartender
6) The Bartender in Love Boat was Issac played by Ted Lange.
The man is a trooper, no doubt about it, and the 2nd to last entry wasn't too bad. It's kind of like a TNA PPV in a way: hit and miss, and Ted Lange makes an appearance. Well, almost like a TNA PPV.
#2
Mark Satrang gets extra points for an early entry this week, but juuuuust misses the top spot:
B--
Work is real slow today so here's a quick and fast entry to get you started for next week...
D-Ray 3000 to Isaac Washington
1) Ted "Isaac Washington" Lange co-starred on Love Boat with Ted McGinley...
2) McGinley has had many great roles, including his run as Gordon on the under-apprecriated SportsNight, opposite Felicity Huffman...
3) Huffman is now making some serious bank co-starring with Teri Hatcher, among others, on Desperate Housewifes, (can you imagine Joey Styles screaming "Catfight! when that group of Divas gets into it?)...
4) Hatcher got her first big break as Lois Lane on The Adventures of Lois & Clark, opposite "Superman" Dean Cain...
5) Dean Cain shares a first name with another fellow superhero, Dean "Shark Boy" Roll...
6) Sharky and D-Ray 3000 tore up TNA in late 2004 as the best tag team since Shark Boy and New Jack or Shark Boy and Norman Smiley...
This actually would have been #1. most weeks had it not been for one hellacioius entry by…
#1.
6Do newbie Mark Craig leaves quite an impression on the judges…er….me:
Hey there, long-time reader of the column on 411. I think you hold the distinction of the only Wrestling Net Bloke I've ever e-mailed before just now, many moons ago... But don't quote me on that. I'm just gonna be greedy and have my first crack at Six degrees, as my opinions on wrestling are, uh... Meaningless.
Ahem...
Degree #1 - Ted Lange to John Forsythe
The dashingly handsome and spectacularly befroed Ted Lange was, of course, the advice dispensing bartender Isaac Washington on "The Love Boat". However, I recently had a confusing memory from my past confirmed when I found out that most of the crew of the Pacific Princess did indeed guest star in a two part episode of "Charlie's Angels". The episode, "Love Boat Angels", originally aired 12 September 1979 as the opening two-part episode of Season 4 AND the first episode to feature Shelley Hack as new Angel Tiffany Welles, replacing the awesome Kate Jackson... It was nice to find out I wasn't on an acid trip as a youngster and it's a nice way of linking Lange to Charlie himself, John Forsythe!
Degree #2 - John Forsythe to Lucy Liu
The also dashingly handsome John Forsythe was the voice of Charles Townsend
throught Charlie's Angels. Of course, being as he was confined to a speaking box, you'll have to take my word on the 'dashingly' handsome part. He was the only original cast-member of the TV show to make the leap to feature film with 2000's "Charlie's Angels" and 2003's sequel "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle", the Angels in this case being played by ex-JT love-muffin Cameron Diaz, ex-anyone-who'd-give-crack-to-a-twelve-year-old sex monkey Drew Barrymore and, of course, hot asian chick Lucy Liu!
Degree #3 - Lucy Liu to Quentin Tarantino
As well as being extremely hot, Lucy Liu is a fine actress. Despite being in both Charlie's Angels films, she has also been wicked awesome at being awesomely wicked in Ally McBeal, a lucky Jackie Chan's love interest in "Shanghai Noon" and, uh... Other stuff I'm sure. Most notable, for obvious reasons, is her role as uber-samurai crazy-bitch crime-boss O-Ren Ishii in 2003's "Kill Bill: Volume 1", directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Degree #4 - Quentin Tarantino to Robert Rodriguez
Starting his career writing screenplays like the ace "True Romance", QT would go on to world-wide fame with smash hits "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction", neither of which are relevant to Six Degrees, but if you've never seen them, you should. A contemporary of Tarantino's, whom he has worked with in various capacities over the years, will be directing "Planet Terror" opposite QT's "Death Proof" in this year's double-bill old-school slash-fest "Grindhouse". That man is Robert Rodriguez.
Degree #5 - Robert Rodriguez to Shark Boy
Rodriguez (who, like QT, isn't dashingly handsome) has made a name for himself as a the maverick Director/Writer/Editor/Producer/etc. behind some truly excellent and violent action films like "Desperado", "Once Upon A Time In Mexico" and "Sin City". However, he also has penchant for making films his children can enjoy in the "Spy Kids" Trilogy and 2005's "The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3D". One man who got a lot of enjoyment out of this particular film was Dean Roll, who successfully and rightfully got a nice little earner off Miramax films as he has long been wrestling using the
name of Shark Boy!
Degree #6 - Shark Boy to Chris Tighe
The dashingly handsome Shark Boy was a cult favourite in WCW before it closed and soon found himself in NWA:TNA. He went through a series of partners, including a memorable team with New Jack and a nice pairing with Mad Mikey (the late Crash Holly), but it was the team that started on the July 7th 2004 TNA show that really stuck. The titanic pairing of Shark Boy and D-Ray 3000! While AMW racked up the most title wins, AJ & Daniels get the most plaudits and LAX are the hottest team currently, the true greatest tag-team in TNA was Shark Boy and D-Ray 3000! No man (or woman, child, cat
or midget) was safe from their dreaded Fro Ram! A nation mourned when, by January 2005, the team dissolved with no explanation.... Presumably Jeff Jarrett holding down the true talent. However, D-RAy made a surprise appearance at Bound For Glory 2006 on October 22nd, taking part in the KEVIN NASH OPEN INVITATIONAL X-DIVISION GAUNTLET BATTLE ROYAL where he was, for a short time, reunited with his (hetero) partner! We'll have to wait and see what this means for D-Ray and, indeed, for his alter ego of Mild-Mannered Indy Wrestker, Chris Tighe!
Wow, that was too long. Fun though. Keep writing and peace out!
Markish
Damn, I truly have nothing to add to that as that was probably the most complete and perfect "6 Degrees of…" entry that has ever been submitted. Sure Mark took about the same amount of time to write his entry as I did this column, but it was well worth it as he wins the right to name one degree for next week's column. Spot on Mark.
Left Overs…
Dusty Rhodes is rumored to be clubberin' down in ECW now after Dave Lasagna or whatever his name is asked for his help in ECW. Is it only a matter of time before CM Punk starts rockin' the Black and Yellow polka dots? Now if they only find him a fat black bitch with flabby pancake titties to accompany him to the ring…wait…isn't Mark Henry still on the payroll?
I just got word that after Team 3D finishes their lackluster feud with LAX they will be starring in the next big screen adaptation of a popular video game. Oh Testify!!
CIMA, Dragon Kid, and Ryo Saito are booked for the March 30-31 shows in Detroit. Which makes sense since they may actually form a stable in Dragon Gate. See, Blood Generation basically dissolved, and recently Genki Horiguchi turned on Do Fixer after they seemingly made up following a lot of tension so he could join the Muscle Outlaw'z and now CIMA has been pushing DK and Saito to…um… shit, you know, this is why we need a damn Puro correspondent on this site. Cuz' I spend too much time surfing for Japanese models and porn stars to keep up with the wrestling. And really…which would you rather me spend my time finding info for? I thought so. Yes, let TBT feed your Asiaphilic needs…mmm… tasty.
CM Punk, RVD, Melina, Johnny Nitro, and now Carlito are in the WWE "Dog House". Coincidentally, that would be a damn fine stable, but the real news is that the "e" is actually starting to lay into their young talent more for their attitudes backstage. Which is a very "old school" way of keeping their people in line. One would hate to see someone with a bad attitude get a real push in the ring. They should wait till AFTER they've been with the company a while to start beating up rookies, holding guys down, and sticking their fingers up newbie's asses. Same as they do here at 411. Um…btw, I hear we're looking to hire more columnists.
Lance Storm is now officially boycotting TNA television. However Storm is not actually a Nielson family so that doesn't really mean shit. The downside of this however, is that his possible tag team with his ‘heel' brother James will never take place in TNA. I guess "The Storm Gang" t-shirts can be permanently boxed up now.
The "e" is looking to push Super Crazy as a comedy act. They are also looking to get Shocker and Mistico to work a few dates. Yep, in the WWE Mexicans really DO get pushes. They get to push a mop, they get to push a broom…
Kip James had "Heat" on him backstage in TNA for commenting that if the WWE came calling with an offer he'd go back in a heart beat. Which is great, because then "Heat" would have Kip James on it.
ECW pulled a 1.7 with Vince McMahon and the Undertaker showing up on the show. WSX pulled a 1.0 with Justin Credible and New Jack showing up. Yes, the delta between Vince/'Taker and Credible/New Jack is .7. Amazing, I have a feeling that .7 is just a Blue Meanie away.
"The Gravedigger" Shawn Michaels, managed to bury the two tops heels single-handedly on Monday night as he beat Edge and Orton to face John Cena. While it looks like Edge vs Orton might be a WM23 match, who is the "face" here? The guy that fucks your girlfriend while you're ‘away on business' or the guy who shits in the gym bags of talentless large breasted bimbos and generally thinks he's better than 99.99% of the human population? Somehow…the answer is K-Fed. Who knew?
In WSX news, PWG Champion The Human Tornado beats "The Southern Alterboy Stomper" Luke Hawx. For those who don't know, this is a reassignment of an angle they were planning on doing with New Jack and Chris Hammrick before they weren't resigned after the pilot, where a Black wrestler and the "Good ol' Boy" have differences of opinions. No, not racial tension, but merely whether or not the announcer Kris Kloss has a Jeff Jarrett "'do" or an Ellen DeGeneres "'do". I think there is room for compromise there.
Also for those who are curious, "6-Pac" Sean Waltman's finishing move was called the "6-Factor" on WSX because Vince owns the name "X-Factor" as it relates to wrestling due to the stable that used to involve Waltman/Credible/Albert. Which also means that Aaron Aguilera will also have to change his current finishing move called the "Jesus" Ididntevengetawinonvelocity Driver.
Look RAW bookers, even on paper having a huge Samoan guy facing "Balls" just isn't a good idea….even in gay Samoan porn.
So now that Samoa Joe is only going to work a couple RoH dates a year in "special matches" or so I'm hearing now, who is going to step up fill Joe's spot? Hard to say really, but I'm sure RoH will be fine without Joe…and Danielson who is hurt, and…AJ and Daniels probably working less matches. After all, they still have Jimmy Rave right? Nah, Jimmy ain't HALF the man Joe is. Literally…I mean Jimmy can't weigh more than a buck fifty right?
ECW Originals vs ECW New Breed. Um… Vampire/Teacher/Boxer/Jungle Cat vs Drunk/Pothead/Druggy/Druggy/Tommy Dreamer. It's like a fight broke out in a strip club on Halloween.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Yeah, I'm a sucker for a nice smile... and no bra.
Random Andy Milonakis Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
How'd you like to pour some hyzurp on that? Huh??
Roddy Piper is filming an Mtv movie based on "My Super Sweet 16", he plays a father. I'm waiting for the scene where he punches the "daughter" right in her mouth for yelling at him because he got her the wrong Mercedes for her birthday. The part of the daughter will be played by one of the Spirit Squad of course.
Pimpin' In High Places
No witty intro into the links this week, just go check it out, maybe someone is feuding with Tom Green:
Ask 411 bids a fond farewell to Byers as his last fill in column till Cook is back. Man, wait till Steve finds out Ryan stole all the green M&M's from his jar and left all that Russian goat porn on his computer.
Csonka's Take is the kind of column that would actually research a good chubby comedian joke. Cuz' Csonka cares. Sometimes…too much. Or not enough, I can't tell the difference, I'm too busy watching MTV 4.
Evo Scheme lost a retirement match with Fink's Payload earlier this week. Yeah, smell the irony in that. Well I'm sure it'll pop up again some day under a new gimmick... like Marquis Ski Matik
Slimmer has the top HBK matches ever. But don't worry, Jules will be back next week. Hmmm.."Slimmer Jules"…sounds like a diet plan for your nut sack. Yeah, no good place to make that joke, that's why I save it for the end people.
O'Dog gets ‘wood' over Mr. Kennedy. Which is sad, because my brutha from another mutha is going to cut through him like a Filipino through balut. And subsequently balut through a Filipino about 30 mins later.
Fink's Payload brings you their take on the "First Rummer's Up". I mean #1 contenders.
The Shimmy thinks he knows WM23. But could he foresee Boogeyman vs Lil' Bastard in a TLC match? That's Tables, Leprechauns, and (night) Crawlers. Or maybe Khali vs Umaga, loser eats Scotty 2 Hotty. Yep, smells like buy rate.
CoH is taking up a collection to send Samoa Joe flowers and a 10 lbs pack of See's for Valentines Day. Sorry Ari, but all the creamy nougat and milk chocolate in the world ain't going to bring him back. If you love him Ari…you must let him go.
Threat to the 3rd power talks about the Rumble, HBK, and WSX. And their feelings….it's good to share guys.
Hi/Lo are the last men standing. Which is good, unless it's musical chairs.
Crazy week this week. The most ironic thing about the TBT vs Milonakis dealio is that for Andy saying he hated wrestlng, we must have at least a few fans in common. Well according to him, at least one. I just can't believe someone would rat me out. Go ahead and come forward and I'll promise to be leniant. If not, it's 48 straight hours of "The Best of Heidenrich"...with commentary the WSX announce team. *Segue* If you watched WSX this week I showed up a few times. There were two clear shots of me in the first 15 minutes. Here is a clue…when Luke Hawx comes out…look for a Filipino dude in a red shirt. My girl also shows up on WSXtra during Matt Classic's entrance. She says the camera puts on 10 lbs. She was shot from the belly button up. So I guess it added 8 lbs to her head. HA!! Man, I'm not gettin' any this weekend now. But I found WSX watchable so long as you mute it. Kris Kloss comes from the "Good Ol' JR" school of announcing. Hype the show and the wrestlers, then miscall half the moves. I can't wait till he starts calling everything an "Impaler". Well hell, at least he's better than Brett Ernst, who actually makes me want to punch his mother in her left eye for thinking the "pull out method" was going to work. Oh yeah, Pro Wrestling Guerrilla has a show this weekend on Saturday in Van Nuys. Go see it. Tell me what you think. If you don't like it, I'll refund exactly 1% of your ticket sales at the next show. At least, that's my 2 cents.
