Truth B Told 3.01.07: Looks Ain’t Everything
Posted by Bayani Domingo on 03.01.2007
Real championship material may be less about the “Look” and more about the “Book”. Are wrestling fans still “size whores”?
If you took an informal pole of wrestling fans who first caught the "bug" back in the late 80's you'll probably hear a good number of them remember seeing a large tan, slightly balding blonde behemoth on their television screen. A muscular man who was larger than life, literally, who was a veritable "Hulk" amongst normal sized men. You might also hear about a man in colorful face paint and matching tassels, or a GIANT of a man with bushy black hair who seemed to be 8 feet tall, or even a platinum blonde playboy in a lavish robe spouting one-liners after one-liners at the perplexed audience. It used to be in the 80's and even 90's that men like Hogan, Flair, Ultimate Warrior, Andre the Giant, and countless others just had this larger than life look that drew people in and made them truly look like "Champions".
Back then you would rarely see men of that size and stature outside of a television screen. Bodybuilding had not yet hit its peak popularity around the world. Professional athletes in all sports were much smaller and less physically intimidating than they were today. Your normal everyday man was much smaller and less conscious and educated about the best way to increase their overall size and fitness. In a world of ‘average men' wrestlers, especially some of the top ones seemed to be truly awe inspiring.
Fast forward to today. We have quarterbacks in the NFL like Vince Young and Daunte Culpepper that are the size of linebackers. Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and Mark McGwire all hit over 60* homers in a season while sporting Scott Steiner like biceps. Your local gym is now filled with accountants, sales men, and butchers who are benching nearly 400 lbs or has a six pack because of the newest fitness crazes, gels, pills, and muscle shakes. The average athlete is bigger, not only that but you see more and more bulky muscle heads and underwear models now a day than you used to all because the means to achieve a better body are all at your finger tips now. With that in mind, what does that do to the "Championship Caliber" wrestler now? If Hulk Hogan was a monster back when the average man was going through more carbs and trans-fats than Khali goes through cruiserweights, how much bigger does the champion have to be now?
There is a growing paradigm in wrestling now as it seems like Vince McMahon and the "e" seem to be one of the few companies left in the world that believes that size truly does matter still. Look at the champions holding the belts now (height/weight average of what they are billed as): John Cena 6'2 250 lbs (ripped ex-body builder), Batista 6'5" 290 lbs (slightly larger ex-body builder), and Lashley 6'3" 275 lbs (big bulky ex-amateur wrestler). Some may question the legitimacy of their natural size as they did to Hulk Hogan back in the 80's. John Cena and Batista were both body builders, but Lashley as early as 1998 when he won his last NAIA wrestling championship was a mere 177 lbs. considering how injury prone Batista is, one could also make a case for him…especially because the man is one big ass half-Filipino guy. Actually, he's like the size of two normal sized Pinoys. Making him actually ½ Greek and 1 full Filipino. Yeah, do the math. Cena, the smallest of the bunch, on the other hand has managed to avoid injury. That may be due to him being smaller and less bulky, or possibly because he truly does follow the wellness program (stranger things have happened) or because he really doesn't do many moves that would be considered risky and leave himself open to injury. You know, like taking a step to break up a pin, or hitting a spinebuster…which "hypothetically" could tear "someone's" quad, a "second time" with a different quad.
Wrestlemania is just about here and it looks like at least two of the 3 championships could be defended in a little over a month. Cena is taking on HBK, while Batista is defending against the Undertaker. Right now it looks like the rumors have Lashley not even defending his ECW title, hell, he probably won't even be facing an ECW wrestler. When you look at the Undertaker you can see how his imposing size is in line with what those larger than life champions of yore looked like. Shawn Michaels on the other hand, does not fit your stereotypical size for a WWE champion. In fact he would be one of the smallest and lightest champions in the history of the WWE. Sure Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero were probably shorter than HBK, but each one was absolutely ripped when they won their titles. HBK has clearly shrunken in his old age and I would guess that only Rey Misterio Jr. at 5'6" (or 5'3" depending on who you ask) and 165 lbs would be definitively smaller than the "Show Stopper". Even then Rey Rey won the World Heavyweight Title, not the WWE title. Actually RVD or Chris Jericho would be a fairly close approximation in size to HBK at 6'0" and 230- 235 lbs, but even today R-V-D looks a tad bigger than H-B-K.
But funny thing, what about the rest of the feds out there in North America? TNA has Christian ,6'1" 227 lbs., as their champion. He beat out Abyss (6'8", 350) lbs for the title and Sting (6'3", 255 lbs) for the title. Now while each man brings a different "look" to the table it was clear that Christian was the smaller of the 3 and therefore got ‘back-up' in the form of a 6'6" 286 lbs Tyson Tomko and 6'1" 280 lbs Scott Steiner. TNA still managed to keep to the old sensibility that a "good big man will beat a good small man any day of the week, unless they get some serious help or the divine intervention from a dead Mexican with a mullet". I think it was Tully Blanchard that actually coined that phrase. Regardless there are clearly larger men on the roster than Christian with the muscles and bulk to "look" like a champion, however TNA decided to go against that conventional wisdom as they have in the past when they let cruiserweights (AJ Styles) and near cruiserweights (Jeff Jarrett/Ron Killings) win the title based on their "overness" as either a face or a heel.
This same principal of let the most "over" wrestler or the wrestler who "deserves to finally win the title" has come into play in the "e" as well. Benoit, Guerrero, Misterio, RVD, and Jericho are all great example. So when you look at that laundry list of wrestlers one would think that the "e" gets it as much as anyone else that size doesn't matter, especially since the millennium mark of 2000. but wait…does anyone remember how long Benoit's only title reign was? What about Misterio's horrible booking?
Sure Jericho was the first Unified World Champion, but after he dropped the title 3 months later to Triple H, how many more times did he win the belt? None. RVD basically messed up his own title reign, but seriously, how long do you think they would have kept the WWE title on him? Only Eddie Guerrero seemed to get any kind of lengthy title reign that looked legit. The only reason his reign ended so prematurely was apparently he asked to put it on JBL after he felt the pressure of the title weighing on him. He is even rumored to be winning it back soon before his untimely death. Okay, Benoit beat HHH and HBK again after and then Kane (perennial door mat), but 3 successful defenses at PPV's do not a title reign make. Especially when you lose it to Randy Orton. So while I applaud the "e" for making the occasional good choice when it comes to putting the title on wrestlers who may not have that desired "WWE size" that they like in a champion, they end up making their title reigns look either flimsy during their reigns or end up making them an after thought after their reign has come to an end.
Hey, don't think TNA gets off easy either. They let Jarrett (Bajillion) hold the title way too many times, as they did with AJ (3) and Ron Killings (2). AJ has been a mainly transitional champ each time he's held the title and Killings isn't even wrestling anymore, he's busy making gay cinematography. "A few good Black men"?? I wonder if his next project will be, "Dreamguys". While the "e" usually picks size and "look" over talent and in-ring ability, TNA usually pick name and legacy over loyalty and home grown talent. How else would Diesel, and Sycho Sid have so many title reigns between them and Ted DiBiase and Ricky Steamboat have none. Then again TNA has put the title on Christian Cage, Rhyno, and Sting upon their defections, yet Abyss got a measly 2 month reign, Monty Brown never got his shot, and deserving wrestlers like Christopher Daniels and Samoa Joe are still without a belt. But what about the rest of the non-televised wrestling world?
Let's take a quick look at some of the more notable Indy feds and their "World Champions":
Vampiro is champ in WSX because he is…the boss. Plus after Waltman he's the biggest "name" they have. Makes sense. Roderick Strong is the FIP champion and may at some point be the RoH champion. He's not ‘cut' in the traditional sense, but rather "solid" and "stocky". He's a power wrestler with a good size and movement as well as a good technical grappler. Considering FIP and RoH share similar rosters, he's on the larger side of the average for the wrestlers they employ. As far as Justice Pain, El Genrico, and Chuck Taylor go I'm not sure how to explain it as all three are champions for different reasons. CZW is the kind of federation that employs more hardcore groundings than technical expertise and Pain is one of the founding fathers so he is champion based on his "legacy" one would imagine. El Generico is one of the most "over" wrestlers in PWG and while he is an excellent work and "babyface", his reign may be short in the "Chris Benoit/Jericho/Misterio" mold as he isn't a dominating or intimidating champion at all. Much the way Human Tornado was before him. Clearly a ‘white luchadore' isn't the model of a champion we all grew up with. I don't know much about Chuck Taylor other than he makes a damn fine basketball shoe and the guy looks like a cast off from "Laguna Beach". I'm going with the "worker" over "size" reasoning here.
In general I give RoH the benefit of the doubt when it comes to picking ring work over ring look. Then again, they aren't used to having huge behemoths in the ring and billing themselves as a "wrestling" company and not "sports entertainment" goes a long way to that end. PWG has had a few wrestlers who carried the "look" and "name recognition" but recently has gone to promoting their own homegrown talent as champions in order to keep the title reigns more consistent as other names such as Frankie Kazarian and AJ Styles tend to be harder to nail down for extended periods of time when they may or may not be called up to work for one of the "big two". I think for the most part most Indy feds are used to ignoring a "look" of a wrestler so long as they have charisma, fan back or heat, and good in-ring ability. Although, not sure how Joey Ryan got his shot. Oh wait…he owns part of the company. I did mention the "boss" factor didn't I?
That really bares the question of whether most Indy feds don't book their champions to be huge monsters because they don't have the same access to them with the WWE snapping up all the "prime beef"? Or whether they don't book them because they are trying to be inherently anit-WWE? My contention has always been that a champion is only as strong as they are booked to be. Chris Benoit could have held the title for a year regardless of his size because the legitimacy of his skill, same as Danielson did in RoH. Jericho and Eddie both had the ability to "cheat to win" and coast off their charisma like The Rock and Stone Cold had before them. Even Rey Rey could have looked more credible if you gave him a chance to pull out some upset victories along the way instead of constantly mentioning how he could lose the belt at any moment and Eddie was somehow guiding his destiny. Christian's title reign could last for a while so long as they aren't stupid enough to turn Tomko on him, beating Samoa Joe could even seem plausible so long as they can figure a way for Joe to be injured prior to the match or be pinned illegally without the predictable 58 ref bumps. It's all in the booking. Heck, do you really think the WWE fans would accept Chris Masters or the Great Khali over Benoit and Mr. Kennedy?
I would think that today's fans are less in awe of the bulky brawler and meandering giant than technical wizards, entertaining high flyers, emotional underdogs, and charismatic performers. Back in the day we would watch these icons and muscle men and be in awe of their size and stature. They were larger than life flesh and blood super heroes that were the embodiment of everything we wished we could be. The size and strength to over come any villain. But as time wore on, those mastodons could be found in more and more familiar places. On the field, in ball parks, heck, maybe even the cubicle next to you. The larger than life character were still large, but perhaps not as giant as before. Later came the "everyman" the "Joe Q. Anybody" like Dusty Rhodes, DDP, or even Chris Benoit, the hard workers who scratched and clawed their way up to the top of the wrestling industry. We then began to get behind the underdogs and babyfaces who struggled to finally reach the pinnacle. Maybe seeing a little of ourselves in their plight and eventual victories. It felt good to see someone rise up against those odds against those very giants we once cheered.
Wrestling today is very different however. The landscape is littered with successful wrestlers from the very large and bulky, to the small and flippity flop. We want to see bad ass Samoans choke bitches out…or even smush them in a corner with their asses at 50 mph. *For you metric folks, that's like 80 Kilometers per hour* We enjoy seeing death defying twisting dives from the top rope or brutal submissions and vicious elbows. There is still a place in our hearts however for the "Superman" to come out and dominate his opponents by taking a beating, only to come back to save the day with 3 quick moves out of no where. But it isn't so black and white. Consider if you will the following scenario where HBK, CM Punk, and Mr. Kennedy are your Champions. Is it really out of the realm of possibility? Would you be willing to cheer them as you do Cena/Lashley/Batista? Would it be so hard to believe that a 5'11" 240 lbs Kurt Angle could take down any one of the current champions? What about if Y2J came back on the scene? Would you poo poo a comeback title run for him?
As much as we sit there and tell ourselves how stupid it is that Vince keeps wanting to push Randy Orton or Batista or Cena or even TEST down our throats as "Champions" because they have that "look", we still buy into it. I can't tell you how many times I've said to someone, "sure he's possibly the biggest heel this side of HHH and he could legitimately carry the belt to a decent title run, but Edge just looks too damn skinny and lanky to be believable against a bigger opponent". Then again that has more to do with his 4 foot running start tummy hug than anything else. Seeing a guy like Lashley go through the entire ECW heel roster all looks pretty awesome when you consider his size and the aura that goes with it. Plus, when Batista debuted the "Animal with an Intellect" gimmick after besting HHH, you had to be a little impressed. The trappings of girth and size seem to woo us at least some of the time, no matter how many times we try to tell us that it's all about the performance. *Yeah, that came out slightly gayer than I had intended*
The Truth
I look at guys like Mr. Perfect, Scott Hall, Rick Rude, Bam Bam Bigelow, etc. and wonder how it is those guys didn't get a title reign. They had good in ring ability, a unique look, AND good size. But you know, there was always someone bigger, someone buffer, someone taller and more chiseled who stood in their way. Whether it is Sycho Sid, Diesel, Yokozuna, Sgt. Slaughter, or the like. Those guys all had "the look" but didn't necessarily have the size that Vince wanted or the perceived star power in any case. I still remember watching Hulk Hogan and thinking how huge he must have been, then the Ultimate Warrior and Rick Rude who looked as if they had never had a transfatty acid in their life. But that was then. When all you had to do was body slam someone and drop a big leg drop or running splash on them to put them away. Now we know better than that. Or at least we like to think we do until you find yourself marking out like a 7 year old when Hulk Hogan comes to bury another young guy. Wrestlers are tougher now, a simple body slam isn't going to put anyone away and with the advent of submission moves, high risk top rope finishers, and inventive roll-ups that weren't around till the turn of the century we realize how the playing field has been leveled.
Chris Benoit can make "The Game" or Big Show tap out. AJ Styles can put away Abyss with a Spiral Tap from the top. Now don't get me wrong, I think that size does have its limitations however. Sure, Rey Misterio Jr. can hit a roll up on JBL out of no where. But there are only so many times we truly believe Rey Rey could beat a Batista or Booker T or even Randy Orton without really being destroyed. We're willing to accept him for a short term because of the build, not the retention. But I think Misterio is more the exception than the rule considering most wrestlers aren't shorter than the ring announcers who introduce them. I think we're finally getting to the point where we aren't as infatuated with size as Vince McMahon would have you believe we are…or at least as much as he is. So while guys like CM Kenta toil in the mid-card while Bob Holly and Test get main event slots, while Edge is made to look like a chump time and time again by Cena, while Booker T still to this day never got his rematch with Batista, you can only hope that Vince learn something from the Indys'. Sometimes, size just doesn't matter; it's what you do with it that counts. *let the penis jokes begin………NOW*
Coming Up Short
RoH is officially Dragon's Gate USA. So far the fat blonde Sammy Hagar looking student, Pelle Primeau, and myself are the only people not either in a stable in RoH or part of a tag team. I love it. I'm a huge fan of stables. So far it looks like the No Remorse Corp, Aries 20, and Jack Evan's crew will now be joined by Hero/Sweeney/Tank Toland, a possible new Lacey's Angels, and who ever McGuinness will team with once Morishima is back in Japan. So many openings in stables, it's like Orientation week in college, which club do you sign up for? Matt Sydal, Delirious, SHINGO, Irish Airborne, BJ Whitmer, Brent Albright, just to name a few are all free agents, it'll be interesting to see where they all land in the coming weeks. Gosh, so much is going on that you hardly notice that, hey, there's going to be NO WORLD CHAMPION for like 2 months. Maybe THAT is why RoH is getting so many new storylines, to detract from the fact that there is going to be no gold in RoH except for what the Briscoes have. Its times like these that having that "Pure Title" might have come in handy. Oh well, I guess for the time being the gold in RoH will be coming up short a little while longer.
6 Degrees of…
Greg Pryor took my suggestion a bit too literally this time:
I knew id win, but I promise I will keep it down to just 1 entry per week as opposed to the avalanche method that served me so well in the past...a bit like the training the prayers and the vitamins!!! Anyway since I get to throw down the gaunlet for this weeks 6DO here goes...early April is not only typically Wrestlemania time its also the end of the Tax year, plus B you said I could go limey if I wanted to so here goes. George Harrison (from my home city of Liverpool might I add) penned the Beatles song Taxman Link him in 6 moves to Wrestlings favourite Taxman IRS (Mike Rotunda)
So apparently it is that season. Have you don't your taxes yet? Luckily I don't have to declare my salary from 411 on my income taxes, which I've yet to start, this year. Mostly because I don't get paid. Well not in the traditional manner, mostly just under the table transactions and nubile young virgins every few months. Too bad the last ones they sent were the guys from HH. Just disturbing. Well from one of the founding fathers of Money Inc. to one of the founding fathers of the "British Invasion".
"British Invasion", which would be a slightly less intimidating angle for the WWF to have run back in the day instead of WCW/ECW. Basically it would have consisted of William Regal, David Taylor, and Matilda…if she hadn't been "put down" yet. Well it's a limey limey 6DO this week, good luck.
Whatchu talkin' bout readers?
If you live in West Virginia, turn to the East, point a finger and laugh your ass off:
Hey man,
I love your column and actually really respect you for coming up with a new topic every week. If I were a writer, I would just write 500 words about how ECW sucks every week. Anyway, I had a question since you urged us to look for indy wrestling. I found a wrestling Fed around Richmond, VA called NWA: VA, and it said they would be in Richmond on April 7 at the Ground Xero training facility. I was wondering if you could find out their address or where they are located because I can't. I would e-mail Steve Cook, but you know how he is with regard to non-Traci Brooks related questions. Totally useless. Thanks for the good columns, and if you know of any other feds around Richmond besides NWA: VA or Hermie Sadler's fed, let me know. Please do not include New Jack's fed as I'm not sure, as a white accountant, that I'm ready for that sort of
"experience".
Later B,
Charlie
Man, a 500 word column every week would be pretty damn short. Then again I guess you could apply for the next open spot in The Shimmy, those guys seem to drop like flies. Make sure at least 2 of those words are "Screw Flanders", if you could. Well a quick search of the Virginia Indy scene leads me to a good handful in West Virginia, no clue how far that is from ...East...Virginia...but I'm sure it's not close. Well if you already know about the United Wrestling Federation that Hermie Sadler runs then you're next best try is NWA Virginia here is there Wiki link. Also some thing called Vanguard Championship Wrestling which features folks I've never heard of. Actually your best bet is probably UWF considering they still get some decent TNA talent there...and Lita. So...T n' A either way.
I'm not sure what to say about this so....
[Edit. Upon reflection, this response may be too long to post and is only vaguely related to your last column. I do, however, have a point to make that deserves better than to wither away in forum land. If you post it, that's good. You also have permission to use the ideas for a future column; just give me a shout out.
I have really enjoyed your last two columns. I too sometimes wonder about who we are as wrestling fans and what our favorite form of entertainment actually is. Also, who are the people that hate it? These questions swirled through my mind over a year ago while I was watching Raw in my dorm room. My roommate had already declared wrestling to be "crap", but I have seen him mark out a couple times when he turns away from his computer. The confrontation between Trish and Micky comes to mind. He stood up and yelled in amazement after Micky planted Trish with a DDT and then looked up with a
bloody lip. That was another night; this night we watched on my tv (the only one in the room) but his girlfriend happened to be over. As I enjoyed the action, she absolutely crucified it. "This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It is so fake!" I gave her the spill about watching it as entertainment. She still muttered under her breath about how awful it was. Then, thinking it was over after the first hour main event, changed my tv over to Whose Line is it Anyway? (A much faker show I might add.) I'm an honor student, I do not deserve to have my intelligence insulted by a red headed skank! Ten deep breaths was all that kept me pulling a Steve Austin; I left peacefully. I was mad not because of the injustices that had occurred, but because wrestling as a whole is not stupid. A large portion, perhaps a majority, of human beings should all theoretically enjoy sports
entertainment. It is not a niche form of entertainment for brain-dead losers. Here's why:
Think about the origin of theatre in Greece. As a way of keeping it's citizens happy, the government allowed the population to celebrate the wine god, Dionysus with a festival every year (tradition). The event's first attraction was a play (story), followed by a satire of the play(comedy), there would sometimes be strippers (sex appeal), then there would be the Olympics (sport). When the Romans largely copied Greek theatre, they dropped
the Olympics and added the Gladiator battles (brutality). I have also read that they added ancient pyrotechnics for effect at their plays. Keep in mind that these mind that these events were meant to satiate the whole male population need for entertainment.
Tradition
Story
Sport
Brutality
Comedy
Sex appeal.
When your average Joe pops open a cold one and watches Raw circa 1999, he got all of this in one show. A Monday night tradition that was a microcosm of the Dionysus festival of old. The Romans were probably ECW fans. Different fans enjoy different element more than others but the product as a whole gives us the entertainment we desperately crave. With this knowledge in hand, I would be shocked if there was nothing like sports entertainment today. Enjoying it is not stupid, it is part of being human. So, why is it not mainstream? People who don't watch it are
I. Women. My theory is that their lack of testosterone makes entertainment based on physical conflict lose some of its appeal to the female audience. The festivals of old were designed for men after all.
ll. People who feel they are above it.
a. Moral high ground. The entertainment goes against their ethical standards.
b. Intellectual high ground.
c. You watch that fake stuff? The largest group, they are ignorant of sports
entertainments value's as entertainment and only see it as a fake sport.
d. People afraid of being labeled uncool. The irony is that in private they watch it from time to time. The social stigma outweighs the redeeming values.
e. People who naturally just do not see the appeal.
I would theorize that the readership of 411 is overwhelmingly introverted males. Not because reading about wrestling on the internet indicates that we do not talk to people. It indicates instead that we value what is personally pleasing over what is valued by our peers at school and work. This also explains are fascination with movies, games, etc. We're also overwhelmingly marks for random Asian Bitches. It would be fun to survey the readers just to see how similar we are but that's a whole other subject. Thanks for
Reading.
-Tommy Burnette
I'm pretty taken aback by all this as this was well thought out and to be honest, I'm surprised people didn't look at the parallels to Greek mythology much closer. To be honest when you look at the drama-dy that is the McMahon family, one could point to roots in Shakespeare as a possible outline for the farce that has become that family. For the most part, women and "intellects" do tend to poo poo wrestling as a whole but there are definitely some of both who enjoy it. Maybe one day I'll do a "Average Joe" type of round table discussion. If I do, I'll make sure to shoot you an invite Tommy.
6 Degrees Results
Greg Pryor sends in his token entry this week after a stunning upset last week:
1)Kevin Bacon...Bacon is a product which comes from a pig.
2)A pig is a slang term for a policeman
3)A wrestler who dressed liike a policeman was the big bossman
4)The Big Bossman always promised (in his early 1990s face run) to bring law
order and justice to the WWF.
5)Southern Justice were a tag team in the WWF formerly known as the Godwinns
6)As the Godwinns they were managed by Hillbilly Jim.
1) Kevin Bacon is in the movie Footlose
2) Another person with a loose foot was SID after his leg break
3) SID was defeated by the Undertaker to lose the WWF title
4) For Most of 1994 and 1995 the Undertaker fueded with the Million Dollar
Corporation
5) Which featured IRS, Nikolai Volkoff, Bam Bam Bigelow and King Kong Bundy
6) King Kong Bundy was Involved in a midget tag team match at Wrestlemania 3
which also involved Hillbilly Jim
Honorable Mention
James Giles
Long time, first time. Always a good read and the pics are great. I have two entries, one done in 5 steps:
1) Hillbilly Jim wrestled King Kong Bundy
2) Bundy appeared on Married with Children along with ‘Al Bundy' Ed O'Neill
3) O'Neill was also on the show with Tracy Lords
4) Tracy Lords guest starred on ‘Will and Grace' with Debra Messing
5) Debra Messing co-starred with Kevin Bacon as a boyfriend du jour
This one has six steps and I tried to be a little out there with the connections
1) Hillbilly Jim was introduced as a friend of Hulk Hogan
2) Hogan wrestled the Rock Dwayne Johnson
3) Rock co-starred in the Scorpion King with hottie Kelly Hu
4) Kelly Hu was on a few episodes of Nash Bridges, as was Corbin Bersen
5) Corbin Bersen was in the movie Tales from the Hood as was David Alan Grier
6) David Allen Grier was in the Woodsman with Kevin Bacon
Mark Satrang obviously hasn't been reading TBT:
B--
We're going for an all wrestling edition of the 6 degrees this week because when you get past all the random Asian bitches, talk about your girlfriend and nerd fights with a D-level MTV celebrity, isn't this column really all about wrestling?
Kevin Bacon was in a Few Good Men...
The best of the WrestleMania 21 movie parodies was the one about Few Good Men starring John Cena and JBL in the Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson roles...
JBL was a long time tag partner with Ron Simmons...
Simmons also had a long standing partnership in the old NWA with Butch Reed...
Butch Reed went against Koko B. Ware at WrestleMania 3...
Koko and Hillbilly Jim made up the jobber quotient of the MegaPowers tag team at Survivor Series '88...
Very wrestling heavy this week, but you know I think Mark missed the point...TBT is all about half naked hot Asian bitches....I just throw in the wrestling stuff so Csonka won't catch on...anymore than he already has.
#3
Hello sir. I have three 6DO's for this week:
#1 - movie based
1. Hillbilly Jim was in "Wrestling's Country Boys" with Rowdy Roddy Piper (as much as you can count on "Wrestling's Country Boys" as a movie).
2. Rowdy Roddy Piper was in "They Live" with Keith David.
3. Keith David was in "Head Of State" with Chris Rock.
4. Chris Rock was in "Dogma" with Kevin Smith.
5. Kevin Smith was in "Scream 3" with Neve Campbell.
6. Neve Campbell was in "Wild Things" with Kevin Bacon.
#2 - tv based
1. Hillbilly Jim was in "WWE Monday Night Raw - WWE Homecoming" with Hulk Hogan.
2. Hulk Hogan had a guest spot in two episodes of "The A-Team", which starred Mr. T.
3. Mr. T had a memorable guest spot in the episode 'Today I Am A Clown' on "The Simpsons", which boasted a recurring Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob.
4. Kelsey Grammer guest starred on an episode of "Wings" (for which he was nominated for an Emmy Award), which starred Thomas Haden Church as Lowell.
5. Thomas Haden Chruch also starred in the short-lived series "Ned & Stacey", his co-star being Debra Messing.
6. Debra Messing also starred in the series "Will & Grace", which guest starred Kevin Bacon in two episodes.
#3 - the sequels
1. Hillbilly Jim was a part of Wrestlemania 2, which also featured Hulk Hogan.
2. Hulk Hogan starred in "Thunder in Paradise II" with Carol Alt.
3. Carol Alt had a part in "Crackerjack 2", which starred Judge Reinhold.
4. Judge Reinhold starred in "The Santa Clause 2", which also starred Tim Allen.
5. Tim Allen was the voice fo Buzz Lightyear in "Toy Story 2", which had Tom Hanks as the voice of Woody.
6. Tom Hanks and Kevin Bacon both starred in "Apollo 13". (What, you didn't see Apollo 1 through 12?)
Regards, Corey Cotton
Well Double C, you brought up a show I had all but forgotten, Ned & Stacey actually was a guilty pleasure of mine for a good...3 episodes, before I knew what the hell they were talking about. Why does Grace always co-star with a gay guy?
#2
Andrew Jones takes time off from spring training with the Braves to turn in an entry:
Hello,
Honourable mentions last week, let's see what we can do this week:-
Kevin Bacon, long time actor has been in many film and TV shows, one of which was hit sit-com Frasier as Vic (Adventures in Paradise: Part 2 (1994). A show which stars Jane Leeves, Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce.
As well as doing 11ish years of Frasier Jane Leeves, Kelsey Grammer and David Hyde Pierce have all done voices in the Simpsons. Jane Leeves as Edwina (The Regina Monologues 2003), David Hyde Pierce as Cecil Terwilliger (Brother from Another Series (1997). Kelsey Grammer as Sideshow Bob (many). The Simpsons has in the past has also had as a Guest Voice Bret ‘The Hitman' Hart (The Old Man and the Lisa 1997).
Bret Hart has had many excellent wrestling matches one of which was with ‘Stone Cold' Steve Austin at WrestleMania 13.
Steve Austin had a match with Scott Hall at one of the best WrestleMania's in History WrestleMania X8.
Scott Hall was part of the NWO stable that ‘invaded' WCW in 1996 with Hulk Hogan.
Hulk Hogan was the wrestler that ‘trained' Hillbilly Jim in a series of TV segments on WWF/WWE TV.
Let's see what that does.
What that does is get you CLOSE, but no cigar. How Scott Hall was never part of the APA Barroom Brawl is beyond me.
#1.
With little more further ado....
Love the column as usual. when i think of casual fans i share your hatred of bookers as using their existence as justification for shitty story line and one shot celebrity deals. I think the casual fans they are after are kids and teenagers, who they hope they can convert into hardcore fans. thats just my take
anyways this is my second ever attempt at 6 degrees..
1. Hillbilly Jim in all his muscular glory would manage the Godwins in the mid 90's. One of the Godwins was phineas, who would later become every ones favorite wrestler naked Mideon.
2. Mideon, a.k.a dennis knight, was orginaly part of the tag team the Texicans in early 90's WCW. He and his tag team partner buff bagwell were in the lethal lottery at Battlebowl 93, one of the worst Pay per views ever. In their match knight was pinned by rick rude.
3. At Sring Stampede 94 the incredably sexy and dead Ric Rude would lose the covted western states heritage tittle, err, i mean WCW International World Heavyweight Champonship to the Stinger. But the most important event at that was Aaron Neville singing the National Anthem.
4. Aaron Neville and his love of coco butter were hillariously parioded by SNL cast member, the fat and golly Latino Horation Sanz sorry about that
5. Hortaio Sanz spent 8 glorious seasons on SNL, during that time the show was once hosted by America's favorite golly rapper turned actress Queen Latifah.
6. Queen Latifah starred in the BET comedy award winning movie Beauty Shop, which featured a cameo by the star of Footlose himself, Kevin Bacon
Jihad
Congrats Jihad, as the internet cafe is kicking me out and cutting off my free WiFi...I'm rushing to say....good job and send in an entry next we.....*damn it*
Plan B
Left Overs…
Saturday Night Main Event cancelled for March. But June is probably safe because of the lack of fresh new television shows. No, I'm not talking about RAW.
HHH back at SS reportedly. Which is a great time to come back, just in time for us to say, "damn, he does look chubby in those trunks".
John Cena, Bobby Lashley, Randy Orton, and Edge are all scheduled to appear on Deal or no Deal on Sunday. My guess is Edge will go ballistic after spearing 4 or 5 "brief case girls" before realizing a contract to wrestle Cena for the belt isn't in one of them…then Orton will shit in at least 3 of said brief cases.
Kane vs Khali is getting ready to blow the roof off of WM23. We may actually go the entire length of the match without one single wrestling move. Unless you count a giant chop to the noggin as a wrestling hold, in which case, it may set a new record for workrate in a WM match.
WSX may be back, well probably, but just not against ECW as it has failed to cut into their audience. Which truly is sad considering how bad ECW had been to this point. I guess the only wrestlers people want to see "blown up" is Tommy Dreamer and Balls Mahoney. Rest holds 12 seconds into a match make baby Jesus cry.
A1, Elix Skipper, and David Young are all released from TNA. TNA cited the reason as being not enough television time to get them on screen. TNA is now considering showing all episodes of Impact! with new Picture-in-Picture in order to fully utilize all their wrestlers. Their new slogan will currently be changed from "Our rings have 6 sides, but only one Angle" to "Our Rings have 6 sides, but only one Angle…every 12 seconds".
I got this bit of news from Hayhurst yesterday so if this is wrong blame him. But apparently Travis Hafner, the Cleveland Indians DH, is going to have a bobblehead of himself with the WWE Title belt given out at the 9/15/2007 game against the KC Royals because he is a huge fan of the "e". Which is great publicity considering the title belt is the ultimate physical personification of the WWE. As a cross promotion, the next time the "e" is in St. Louis they will be giving out bobbleheads of Chris Masters with a syringe of anabolic steroids and a red goatee.
Test was unceremoniously released by ECW this past week. Reasons were not given by ECW but something tells me that having a big hossy acne'd freak with weird facial piercings and a limited moveset, and a Big Boot on the program didn't make sense. Um…I mean, one with hair…because that would just be ridiculous….pffft…hair.
The wrestler on the ECW roster including such luminaries as Balls Mahoney, Stevie Richards, and Sylvan Grenier will now be referred to as "Superstars". In related news Charlie Haas will now be known as "Commander-in-Chief Charisma" and Rey Misterio Jr. will be billed as 7 feet tall and hailing from Lake Titicaca.
You realize that with 3 spots still open in the Money In The Bank match, they've already eliminated 3 good candidates (Nitro, Shelton, RVD). With Edge, CM Punk, King Booker, Jeff Hardy, and Mr. Kennedy already in the match and *SPOILER* two more qualifiers taking place on Smackdown this week I'm going to *SPOIL* the last participant for you. Randy Orton. It's pretty clear. With Edge and him having that little lover's spat on RAW and him having no other match really set it just makes sense. I'm not sure how the match is going to work with 8 guys though. If you've ever played the MitB match in the SDvsRAW video game you can't win that thing in under 20 mins. Or I'm guessing because I always just quit the game by that point. So one of three things happen, either the match goes 60 mins long, the ladder only comes into play after X amount of wrestlers are eliminated by pin or are thrown over the top rope, or someone puts in a cheat code and makes all the other participants tiny, but with huge heads so they can win. I'm going with the cheat code.
RoH will be in jolly old England this weekend, highlighted by the debut of PAC, who in my opinion is one of the best two high flyers in wrestling today (a toss up between him and Jack Evans). PAC was amazing the last two times I saw him at PWG live. This may be his chance to secure some serious bookings in the US and Japan. I could see him in Dragon Gate. Although he'd be a heel over there…cuz' his name is capitalized…duh.
Naruki Doi & SHINGO will be facing the Briscoe Brothers for the belts this weekend as well. If they win they will face Roddy and Davey for the titles. If the Briscoes win they will face any tag team from Europe who wants to "man up". Smart money says "Irish" Airborne. But the real dark horse here is a team known for it's brief foray into wrestling in the United States with perhaps some of the most innovative moves ever seen in the states. Man up, indeed.
Random Asian Bitch Lookin' Good Pic of the Week
Man, I haven't seen that much "Junk" on an Asian since they made Steamboat dress like a real dragon.
Austin Aries and ‘M-Dogg 20' Matt Cross are teaming up now to do battle against the "No Remorse Corp". Matt Cross as you may have seen on TV is teaming up with Teddy Hart on WSX, his team with the much scruffier Aries is tentatively being called "The Filth and the Furry".
Well I guess Mistico did get to wrestle a try out match during the Smackdown tour of California after all. Word has it that CMLL threatened to call the border patrol on him if he did. The best angle I could think of if they decide to bring in all these luchadors would be for JBL to come out of retirement and enter a feud with Rey Misterio Jr. where they debut a "Border Royal" match. JBL then stands in the center of the ring and any luchador that can make it over the top rope and into the ring while lasting 2 minutes without being thrown back out gets to stay in the company. Wait…did you just hear that? It sounds like Vince Russo copy and pasting this into his script for Impact! In 2 weeks.
Pimpin' In High Places
Being that I hate my job a little more every week, it's nice to have something to pass the day rather than trying to figure a good way to break through the fire walls to log into monster.com all day:
It's good to see Cook back after his extended "vacation" due to "burn out". Which, as we all know in the wrestling world only means two thing when you disappear for a few weeks "wellness" complications or…boob job! Make sure to Ask 411 about his "rage problem" or lovely Lady Lumps next week.
Sarnecky has March Madness on the Mind. Go now and choose David Arquette as the best champion EVER!!
Carapola watches a lot of wrestling on TV so YOU don't have to. Who am I kidding? You'll watch it anyways...then TiVo it and watch it again.
Jules wrote the perfect companion piece to my column this week as he looks at the top 10 big men in history. None of which include Ernie Ladd or Bobo Brazil...pffft....Black History Month INDEED!! Sorry, that was more a tone of disgust than a poor attempt to resurrect Funaki's dead gimmick....or was it?
D.WillyCox forgets that any good "Screwjob" should be rated at LEAST XXX. Or was that "foot job"....why can't it be both?
Fink's Payload pits the New Breed against the OG's. They should settle it like they do on the Indy circuit...best 2 out of 3 in "Gears of War".
The Shimmy grades out ‘Taker. Which is probably not wise considering at some point he hits a real rough Heidenrich/Nathan Jones/Great Khali patch.
JR and JZ bring you the HH is the READER APPROVED most positive column on 411. You know, that and $.25 will buy you a cup of coffee...or a BJ from Lita. But you know, the coffee is 99% less likely to give you VD. Still, a good read for all you who aren't glued to your TVs.
CoH is in a bit of a sticky wicket as they head over to Jolly old England sans the Championship belt. Look Ari, your new champion may be a gargantuan fat Japanese dude with an orange Joan Jett circa 1987 haircut, but at least....um... you have....THIS MAN.
Linkous says the 3rd round's on HIM. Of the TNA vs WWE round table that is....cheap bastard...how's about another wine cooler Jordy??
Hi/Lo wonders if No Way Out is in the right spot? Well where the hell would it be? They can't move it...there's No Way OUT!! *crickets crickets* Damn, the hell is that rimshot?
Why didn't anyone tell me that Filet-O-Fish are now $1.29 at McDonald's?? I know this has to do with the raise in minimum wage, but c'mon. It's LENT for Christ's sake. Literally. I can't believe they are gouging us for another $.30. It's clear what this is all about too. McDonalds is clearly a Scottish name. There are tons of Protestants in Scotland of course and it's well known that Protestants HATE Catholics. The Filet-O-Fish used to be $1 due to lent and now that they've hooked us, they're jacking up the price as a big F*ck You to the FoF buying community, mainly the Catholics. Yep, it's all so clear now. You know, so far I've caught all of 1 hour of wrestling this week, and that is all I really plan to catch. Half hour of ECW, Half hour of WSX. Slept through RAW, and hoping to God I can find something more interesting to do than watch Smackdown. Titty club…I think that qualifies. Anyone know of one in LA that specializes in fat chicks? Why spend $20 to get a dance from a skinny one, when you can get 2 for the same price from a fat chick, theoretically that is. Since one fat one is just like a simultaneous one from two skinny ones right? Right? Shit, it's like prom night all over again.
