Friendly Competition 3.17.07
Posted by Sam Caplan on 03.17.2007
If anyone was wondering why my columns are so poorly written, it's because I sit around backstage at 411 playing video games instead of doing research.
ECW On Sci Fi Results 3/14/2007
-The show opens with Randy Orton angrily confronting Edge because Edge got him booked against Bobby Lashley. Hey, I'd be pissed too if I was put in a position where I had to carry that stiff. He also wants to make absolutely sure that Edge has his back tonight, and Edge assures him that he does. Well, that's good enough for me. And how dare Edge do something so awful as get him a match with the World Champion. What a dick.
-The ECW Originals take on the New Breed in a battle royal. Sandman, Sabu, and Marcus Cor Von got eliminated almost immediately, and Van Dam gets in the top rope sunset flip powerbomb that Angle and Steiner had a little trouble with at the PPV, then he eliminates both Kevin Thorn and himself with a Cactus clothesline, leaving Dreamer against Elijah Burke and Matt Striker. Dreamer catches Striker on a corner charge and backdrops him out of the ring, and it comes down to Burke and Tommy Dreamer. Elijah Burke reminds me of that mutant taxi driver in Total Recall that has six kids to feed. Dreamer shocks the hell out of me by eliminating Burke to win the battle royal, and he looks as shocked as I am.
-Mick Foley makes the appearance he promised (or, more appropriately, threatened) to make on Raw the night before, mostly because he's got another book to sell. But while he's here, he cuts a promo to fire up the ECW Originals for their match at Wrestlemania. He says he's going to be in the crowd chanting ECW during the match, which I guess is the next best thing since he's not getting the match with Vince. He really is the guy that shows up at high school basketball games ten years after graduating so nobody forgets him.
-Another Snitsky promo, and then we come back to Hardcore Hobags dancing. Snitsky almost turns face by running in and going after them, but they bail and Snitsky is just left to squash a couple of jobbers instead, and puts one away with the big boot. Well, I guess since Test is gone, somebody needs to do his finishing move. Wouldn't it be great if he called his big boot the Foot Fetish?
-Backstage, Elijah Burke comes out and shows us the brand new New Breed t-shirt (which is a very cheap plug, but he does have six kids to feed) and tells CM Punk that he'd have a much better chance at Wrestlemania if he had the New Breed on his side. Punk seems as receptive to the idea as he did last week. That is to say not at all. Please turn heel, Punk. I'll be your best friend.
-ECW Champion Bobby Lashley defeated Randy Orton in a match that was terrible even by Greenhorn's standards. Normally I'd rail on Lashley's poor performance right here, but I've got a lot more to say about it later in the column. After this match is mercifully ended, Vince McMahon comes out and makes faces at Lashley as the show closes.
TNA Impact Results 3/16/2007
-Jim Cornette opens the show standing in the Six Sides Of Steel and announces that the main event of Lockdown will of course be the Lethal Lockdown match, and the two team captains will be Kurt Angle and NWA World Champion Christian Cage. Christian and Angle come out to react and Cornette tells them that it's up to them to put their teams together, and tells them to choose quickly and wisely. Christian tries to protest, but Cornette tells him to shut up because nobody wants to hear him and ends the segment. You'd think that Jim Cornette of all people would have more respect for the champion than that.
-AJ Styles comes out with a neck brace and a crutch and says that he's so upset that he doesn't want to call his wife and tell her that Rhino destroyed his neck, his back, his pussy and his crack in Elevation X, and instead demands that Rhino come out and call her to tell her what he did to AJ. Does this mean AJ hasn't been home since Sunday? I thought Christians were all about the family stuff. Rhino comes out and suggests that he may have already called AJ's wife, then threatens to kick his ass again. AJ backs off and says that he just wants it to be over, and Rhino respectfully accepts and they shake hands. Of course with this being pro wrestling and all, you know that the second Rhino turns his back AJ takes a swing at him with the crutch, but Rhino catches it and gives AJ the evil glare. However, one low blow is all it takes to turn it around and AJ starts the beatdown. After the commercial break, they're still brawling and Christian runs in with a second crutch and takes it to Rhino. Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe run in to make the save and the heels bail.
-LAX and Alex Shelley (who apparently used to rob bodegas with LAX) cut a generic promo on Team 3D, then we go to Chris Sabin playing video games backstage. Bob Backlund stops training long enough to point out what we are all thinking: shouldn't Sabin be training or doing something wrestling-related instead of playing damn video games? Backlund wanders off and Sabin makes the classic indy worker mistake by completely disregarding what the veteran is saying and goes back to his game. What does it say about TNA that Chris Sabin is more interested in a game than he is in the show?
-Jay Lethal defeated Jerry Lynn and Kazarian (or as he's now know, Kaz) in a great three way X-Division match that featured a really cool spot where Kazarian gave Lethal a northern lights suplex while he had Jerry Lynn in a sunset flip. After the match, Christopher Daniels and his new child molestor beard come in and lay them all out. I thought the point of all these promos was that he wanted to do something bigger than just go for the X-Division Title again?
-Christian Cage announces AJ Styles as the first member of his team and starts putting him over, but it seems that AJ joined because Christian promised him an NWA Title shot. Wait, didn't he also offer Tomko a title shot? Ah, the plot thickens.
-LAX and Alex Shelley make my night by defeating Team 3D again. 3D actually had put Shelley through a table, but 3D and the ref were distracted by Machete going after Johnny Rodz, which allowed Hernandez to roll Devon up for the win. After the match, Konnan says that now that they've beaten 3D in every match possible, they're going to ruin their legacy.
-Backstage, Raven tries to get Serotonin to cane Kazarian, but they refuse. Raven says that he doesn't care about wins and losses and never did, he just wants to make opponents feel like children getting beaten by their parents. I'd really like to see select excerpts from Scott Levy's childhood, I think it would be an absolutely fascinating experience. An impromptu S&M party breaks out, and Raven makes cryptic remarks because that's his thing.
-Jeremy Borash finds Eric Young backstage and while he can't personally do anything for him, he suggests that maybe Eric's friend can help him get out of the contract he signed. Robert Roode comes in and bores me to sleep before telling Borash to get lost, then tells Eric that things are going to get worse. I find that hard to imagine. Wouldn't it be funny if Eric's friend was Clarence Mason?
-Christian announces that the third member of his team at Lockdown will be Abyss. Abyss comes out but seems noncommittal, then Sting's music hits. Great, I thought this stupid angle was finally over. Hey, remember when we found out that Abyss shot his dad? Was that ever designed to go anywhere? Sting says that Abyss isn't on Christian's team and doesn't want to be on any team because he's tired of being led around by others and tells Abyss that the future is his. Christian calls Sting on his bullshit, but Cornette comes out and says that to find out whose side everyone is on, Sting and Abyss are going to face Christian and AJ Styles next week. That actually sounds cool, assuming they give it more than four minutes.
Overall Top Ten Ranking
As voted by me. This ranking is done on a week to week basis, includes wrestlers from both groups, is based on a combination of how well they produce in the ring and how much they entertain me, and is entirely subjective.
ECW World Champion: Bobby Lashley (Champion Since 12/3/2006)
NWA World Champion: Christian Cage (Champion Since 1/14/2007)
1)Tommy Dreamer
2)Elijah Burke
3)AJ Styles
4)Rhino
5)Alex Shelley
6)Rob Van Dam
7)Jay Lethal
8)Frankie Kazarian
9)Gene Snitsky
10)Christopher Daniels
Dickhead Of The Week: Mick Foley
I really hate to keep harping on him, but he really is the most pathetic man in wrestling. You know, his "I'm such a loser" schtick was a little endearing back when he was active full time, but now it's really pathetic how he only shows up in one of two situations, either a)he's pushing for a Wrestlemania spot so he can get the big payday, or b)he has something to sell. Seriously, what did Mick Foley add to ECW this week? He basically came out and made fun of himself and told us up front that the only reason he was here was to sell his book (which, by the way, I think the first two said everything that needed to be said and this is just a desperate attempt at raking in some more cash by promising backstage scuttlebutt), then gave a half-hearted speech to the ECW Originals and left. I think it's pretty lame how he exploits his connection to ECW like this without doing anything to justify showing up on the show other than to shill, but that's really all he's about these days. And another thing, these intense speeches he gives lose their edge each time out. You can only give so many heartfelt monologues before people are going to stop respecting them, and once that happens they're powerless. Go home, Mick.
Vital Social Issues N' Stuff With Stuart
Why was Randy Orton upset with Edge for getting him into a match with Bobby Lashley? I would look at a match with any World Champion as a good thing and even though I wasn't sure whether the title was on the line this week or not, it's still an opportunity for Orton. Even if the title's not on the line, a victory over Lashley would prove that he's at the World Championship level and give him momentum going into Money In The Bank. But instead, Orton acts like the elementary school kid who got pissed at his friend for getting him into a fight with the big kid who knows karate. This is why having non-wrestling people writing the shows is a bad idea, because they don't understand that the World Title is supposed to be the ultimate prize and that even being in the ring with the champion is supposed to be a prestigious thing.
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Speaking of Orton and Lashley, that match really, really sucked. I think we all know what I think about Bobby Lashley by now: he's was too green to be in the spot he's in and routinely blows the simplest of spots. So what does WWE do? If you said "throw him in there with another guy who has to be carried by better workers so that his matches are passable", give yourself a big pat on the back because you're absolutely right. What were they thinking throwing these two in there together? I mean, if they really wanted to get Orton killed by a World Champion, why not Batista? He doesn't have a much larger moveset than Lashley, but at least he's not known for blowing spots and also has enough experience in main events that he would be able to wing it for one night. Both men looked absolutely lost out there and it's just totally ridiculous, especially since the World Champion of any company is traditionally supposed to be a good enough worker that he can bring others up to his level. In Lashley's case, nobody really has far to go to get there.
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Now let's jump to the opposite side of the spectrum and look at a guy who's a great worker, Jay Lethal. I'll admit, I wasn't sold on Jay Lethal when I first saw him a couple of years ago, but he's since made a believer out of me. He's got an impressive physique and is a real prodigy, I think he's only 21 or 22 years old and he's already one of the smoothest workers around. He's a very good worker for being as young as he is and is a guy who isn't a great talker, but is good enough that he can let his ringwork do the talking for him. So what does it take for him to get pushed? It takes him impersonating Macho Man Randy Savage, who has been irrelevant for about eight years and is known these days mostly for being a punchline. Don't get me wrong, I laugh my ass off every time I see him on Impact, but guys who make you laugh by acting goofy aren't historically guys who end up in main events. Jay Lethal's better than that, and as entertaining as it is (for now, I'm sure Russo's going to drive it into the ground), I hope this leads to some angle where he blows off the Savage impersonations and "gets serious." But the scary thinig is that the association with Kevin Nash has led to angles for Alex Shelley, Austin Starr, Senshi, and now Jay Lethal. What's in store next month for Sonjay Dutt?
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While we're on the subject of mishandling X-Division talents, what's up with Chris Sabin playing video games backstage? I know he's supposed to be portrayed as a smartass who doesn't take his opponents seriously, but there's a difference between making fun of Jerry Lynn for being old and totally blowing off his job. It's especially glaring when he's the X-DIVISION CHAMPION, because he's the guy who should be taking things extra seriously since he's got a title to defend and should theoretically be scouting his potential competition. Furthermore, it makes the other X-Division guys look like losers because they ARE taking this seriously and none of them can beat the guy who sites around playing video games instead of concentrating on wrestling.
Links To Stuff You Can Read
Andy Clark gives the first ever Double Report Card in The Shimmy, and the guests of honor this week are Bobby Lashley and Umaga.
Julian Williams picks The Top Ten Wrestlemanias of all time.
Sam Berman brings the ROH in The Independent Mid-Card and tells us about Kikutaro vs Tank Toland from The Chicago Spectacular, Night One.
O'Dog continues his March Madness Tournament in The Goodness.
Even thought the name of the column makes it sound like grandma porn, Sam Berman still kicks out another good one in The Box In The Attic.
Finally, it's the big guns in week ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY of Fact Or Fiction, as Larry Csonka and Stephen Randle go one on one.
What Did We Learn This Week?
In all things, there is at least one lesson to be learned. Here I will impart upon you what I took away from the weekly television of ECW and TNA. You too can learn important life lessons from Kevin Thorn and Maverick Matt, and are encouraged to send in your own revalations.
This week on ECW On Sci-Fi, I learned that...
-Elijah Burke would make a great spokesman for the Mars Colony Welcome Committee.
-Randy Orton is almost as good at leading a match as Jackie Gayda.
-If Mick Foley didn't have a book to sell, the ECW Originals would not have had anyone to inspire them for Wrestlemania.
This week on TNA Impact, I learned that...
-AJ Styles goes on week long benders after PPVs.
-By the time Lockdown's over, everyone in TNA will be promised a shot at the NWA Title.
-Workrate is meaningless, the ability to impersonate old wrestlers is the true key to success in TNA.
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Well, that's another one in the books. Fun fun fun! I'll be back tomorrow with The Ominous Thoughts News Report, and it's full of ALL kinds of great stuff this week. You don't want to miss this one! See you tomorrow.
