The Thursday Small-For-All News Report: 03.22.07
Posted by Jeff Small on 03.22.2007
Is It Wrestlemania Yet?
Welcome back to another comcastic edition of the Small-For-All. But before we start; kudos again must go to the WWE for building up the Wrestlemania card so far in advance. It's a shame however that with the card set in stone the shows have been in cruise control. Then again, why should I complain when I know I'm getting the best built Wrestlemania since 17? A little over one week, bitches!!!
Ok now we can officially begin. In today's edition, we talk Orlando, wellness tests, the debate over Michelle McCool's sluttiness, the kraziness known as Kurt Angle, and most importantly, Easter Baskets!!! Especially Easter Baskets.
I know I'm excited and here's hoping you are too…
WWE NEWZ BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Wellness Goes Wrong
The big story this past week is that Sports Illustrated has named more wrestlers involved in the Great Steroids and HGH debate. The latest inductees to this "hall of shame" include Edge, Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero, Randy Orton, and Gregory… Helms. From the article,
"In total, there were 11 professional wrestlers listed in the documents that we saw. Some of these wrestlers are working as independents; some are out of the business entirely; others are first-tier stars. Consider Randy Orton, who allegedly received eight prescriptions for six different drugs -- stanozolol, nandrolone, anastrozole, Clomiphene citrate, oxandrolone and testosterone -- between March 2004 and August 2004. (Through the WWE, Orton declined comment.) Interestingly, according to the documents, Orton's prescriptions came from the same two doctors whose names appeared on the prescriptions in major league outfielder Gary Matthews Jr.'s file."
"The skill-set required for pro wrestling is obviously different from that of most other competitive sports. According to the documents two prominent wrestlers, Adam Copeland, a.k.a. Edge, and Shane Helms, a.k.a. The Hurricane, received HGH. (Through the WWE, Copeland and Helms didn't respond to a request for comment.) But virtually all the others allegedly received a wide variety of anabolic steroids. In each case these were supplied by Applied, the Mobile, Ala., compounding pharmacy that was raided last fall."
The WWE responded not too long after the SI's article's appearance with this brief statement: All of the allegations set forth in a recent SI.com article mentioning WWE predate the initiation of WWE's current Talent Wellness Program.
Of course, the backstage actions of the WWE that Tuesday night showed that the company took the article's implications very seriously. Why's that? Because the Smackdown roster was subjected to WELLNESS TESTING~
Now while I doubt that anyone will lose their Wrestlemania spot because of the TESTING~, there's a good chance that possible outcomes might be changed. Or even upcoming post-Wrestlemania storylines. So sorry London and Kendrick fans: there's no reason why these two ‘roid heads should be allowed to keep their tag titles after Wrestlemania.
Lastly, as for the five men listed in the SI article, only one of them has went public so far. In Edge's latest My Space blog, he admits to taking steroids only after coming back from neck surgery. And I believe him. When Edge returned in April 2004, he was at least 15 pounds too large. His mobility was slower, his matches suffered, and thankfully, he shed that weight before his current heel turn.
TNA To Invade Wrestlemania 24!!!
Because you know Russo hasn't thought of that one already.
According to a WWE Press Release, Wrestlemania 24 will be held in at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando, Florida.
Considering I was just at the Champs Sports Bowl in Orlando (same stadium), I definitely say that this venue is a good choice for a variety of reasons. First off, it's Florida. Secondly, there's a Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville only minutes from the stadium. Lastly, Hogan vs. Austin will be headlining the card along with a Randy Orton title match. I swear!!!
Hey Kids, Now's the Time for a Random "Picture This" Statement
Picture This: There's a better chance of the Extreme Expose getting a spot on the Wrestlemania card than any of the tag teams in the WWE.
Smackdown Spoiled Raw
On this week's Smackdown:
The ramifications of Eugene's Hair Cuttery appointment. Yeah right, no one really cares about Eugene.
A possible Wrestlemania match occurs. I mean we should already know that neither team had any chance of making the card, but it was a nice pipe dream.
Speaking of people with no chance of making it on the card, here comes Jimmy Wang Yang.
Even without the Dudley Boyz, a black man gets the tables this week.
Hey remember when Gregory Helms stated that he wanted some heavyweight competition? Yeah, neither do I.
In the main event, we learn that the Wrestlemania Main Event > two members of Money in the Bank. Well obviously.
MEXICAN Baskets!!!
File this under the Too Good to be True category. Hey kids, do you like to celebrate Easter but think the Easter Buddy is too much of a pussy? Sure the Bunny couldn't break out of the Masterlock, but you know who could? Triple H. And that's why this Easter… own the Triple H Easter Basket!!! By the way, the M&M easter egg is supposed to be squashed…
File this under the I Wish it were True category. From the Figure 4 Newsletter, "SmackDown Diva Michelle McCool recently divorced her husband of several years, so she's back to being Michelle McCool as opposed to Michelle McCool-Alexander. The two were a couple since high school…. In unrelated news, McCool is said to be a big favorite amongst some of the older guys in the company."
I can just see the conversation now…
Finlay: Hi I'm Finlay, this is Michelle McCool-Alexander.
Michelle: Just Michelle McCool.
Finlay: No Alexander?
Michelle: No. Thank you very much for meeting with us, have you been waiting long?
Essa Rios: No, not long.
Finlay: Uh, Michelle what happened?
Michelle: Finlay!
Finlay: Is Alexander dead?
Michelle: Finlay, we got divorced, okay?
Finlay: Whoa, you're kidding me! Do you wanna talk about it?
In last week's Small-For-All, I predicted that one of the members of Team Angle will be Jeff Jarrett. And according to this week's Torch audio update, I'm RIGHT . Suck on that kids.
Other news from the Audio Update include:
Chris Harris has backstage heat for complaining so much. This is the main reason why the blind angle has been drawn out.
Yay, great for us fans. You know if you really need to punish someone at least do so in an enjoyable manner.
Jim Cornette went over Jackie and Gail's match with them before the PPV. Jim and the rest of management were really disappointed in the effort that both ladies put in and this has furthered soured TNA on starting a women's division.
Poor Christy Hemme. Actually, poor TNA fans for having to sit through months of VKM crap before having it turn into a VKM/Hemme feud. Again, TNA why must you insult your fans! It's bad enough that the WWE does it so much!
The Bashams will be Christy Hemme's final mystery tag team in the current storyline. The former Dicks may be used in this storyline as well.
But I thought the Dicks hated each other. And really isn't one of them still in OVW? If TNA really wanted to use a former WWE employee, why don't they hire Gunner Scott?
Jeff Jarrett was against TNA re-signing Sting. He told Dixie that Sting didn't hold up his end of the deal last year but Jeff didn't get his way.
This really surprises me considering you would expect Jarrett would want Sting to stick around at least long enough for Sting to return the job. Really TNA had no choice in resigning Sting considering it took them almost one year to put the title on him. And it took almost one month of bad Russo booking to flush Sting's credibility down the drain.
TNA wants to sign Chavo Guerrero when his WWE deals expires this summer. WWE gave him the Cruiser title as way to get him to re-sign but he has told many backstage that the Cruiser title means nothing to him at all at this point.
Chavo means jack shit to the WWE right now (hence the Cruiserweight title) and I don't see him being anything more in TNA. While technically sound, Chavo does not have the style that would appease most X-Division fans. Even though he's a name, I sure as hell wouldn't want to build a company around him.
RVD's deal is up in August. He has yet to re-sign and TNA has had contact with him through a third party.
I still believe that RVD will resign with the WWE. Money talks kids!
Kurt Angle is not considered a locker room leader backstage. He dresses alone and doesn't really hang around with the boys. He chews tobacco as well for those who care.
No, I don't. Speaking of Angle…
This Week's Krazy Kurt Komment
On his neck: "I have a great doctor, Dr. Jho in Pittsburgh. He's the one who saved my career. The reason why I'll get passed for fights is that I never had fusion. I had minimally invasive surgery. All they do is cut out the problem; in other words, if a disk gets jammed and it's blocking the nerves to my arms and I can't raise my arms because my nerves are blocked, he'll go in and he'll clip out just a couple millimeters so that nerve is open again and the passageway to my arm is fine, and I'm able to utilize my arm again."
When can we call him Frankenstein? Seriously, if Angle needs to keep getting snipped in his neck in order for him to move his arms, he really shouldn't be wrestling. Hell, he should be sipping on a dry Martini somewhere in the islands. Rather, Angle wants to fight some legitimate badass in the quest to become Apollo Creed circa Rocky IV.
Make Jeff Signs Winner
Actually, I'm going to postpone unveiling the winners for another week. Sorry kids, but I'm out of time.
COMING ATTRACTIONS
And so ends another edition of the Small-For-All. Next week, my lackey returns to simulate Wrestlemania (you are on notice, lackey). As for the rest of you, continue getting pumped for Wrestlemania. Because next week, that word will be in every sentence I right. That's right: next week it's the Wrestlemania-For-All!!! Until then...
For the Thursday Small-For-All News Report, I'm Jeff Small… and you're not!!!!!!!!!!!!!
